Sick, Twisted and Toxic.

I’m not even sure what to say at this point. I’m in such a sick, twisted and toxic situation but I know what I need to do. It’s doing it that I’m so afraid of and I don’t know why.

The Russian, as far as I know, didn’t go through with cheating on me but he heavily considered it. He doesn’t know that I’m fully aware of those details but I know. That Friday/early Saturday when I made that post was the downfall of the relationship. That Saturday he came over so we could talk like adults. Since our texting conversation the night before was not a good one at all.

He apologized for the things he said and how things escalated. We sat in my kitchen to talk. How it ended? Him saying that maybe at this time being boyfriend/girlfriend isn’t working right now. That he loves me and cares for me but doesn’t know if he is in love with me. Great, we are right back here again. Obviously. So I asked him what it was he wanted, and in typical fashion, he said friends or even friends with benefits. This literally feels like August of last year when we broke up. And then for three months he dragged me along in this limbo until I couldn’t take it anymore.

I can tell things are starting to be how they were, because in my moments of weakness I allow him to see me. And of course, we sleep together. Over the weekend he spent the night and we got extremely drunk together. He said some things that really confused me but I know I can’t do this all over again. I just don’t have it in me anymore.

Hell, he will only text me when he wants to see me. Which is exactly what he did before when we first broke up. He slowly worked his way in. And every time after I see him I take like 12 steps back and get sad again. I love him and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him, but this I cannot keep doing.

I have a feeling he will want to see me tonight. As it is the finale of a show we had been watching together. And if he does, I’ll let him come over. We can watch the show but afterwards we won’t have sex. I’m going to tell him I can’t be his “FWB” and I can’t keep doing this. I’ll tell him that even though I love him more than anyone or anything, I have to love myself and allowing myself to be in this situation is not loving myself. I deserve more than that and if he isn’t willing to give me that then we have to stop.

I can’t get over him if he still comes around and gets into my head that things will get better or change. Because that’s what happened last year and those months were so hard for me. I really think he has some serious commitment and emotional issues he either isn’t aware of or wants to deal with. In one month, barely, he went from being so loving and caring, telling me how much he loved me and missed me, how happy he was we got back together. To being the Russian I did not like, with his unavailability emotionally, picking fights, pointing out anything I do wrong, etc.

Once we have this discussion and he’s aware of it, I will be doing what is called the “No Contact Rule” from here on out. I don’t know what will happen: will things change with him, will I finally get peace and be able to just move on, will he realize he’s made a huge mistake and try to win me back, or will he just move onto the next one?

A sick part of me want’s him to realize he made this huge mistake and want me back. How awful is that? After everything he’s put me through, since the very beginning I would still want him. Why? I’m so confused at this point. Ugh.