Sick, Twisted and Toxic.

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I’m not even sure what to say at this point. I’m in such a sick, twisted and toxic situation but I know what I need to do. It’s doing it that I’m so afraid of and I don’t know why.

The Russian, as far as I know, didn’t go through with cheating on me but he heavily considered it. He doesn’t know that I’m fully aware of those details but I know. That Friday/early Saturday when I made that post was the downfall of the relationship. That Saturday he came over so we could talk like adults. Since our texting conversation the night before was not a good one at all.

He apologized for the things he said and how things escalated. We sat in my kitchen to talk. How it ended? Him saying that maybe at this time being boyfriend/girlfriend isn’t working right now. That he loves me and cares for me but doesn’t know if he is in love with me. Great, we are right back here again. Obviously. So I asked him what it was he wanted, and in typical fashion, he said friends or even friends with benefits. This literally feels like August of last year when we broke up. And then for three months he dragged me along in this limbo until I couldn’t take it anymore.

I can tell things are starting to be how they were, because in my moments of weakness I allow him to see me. And of course, we sleep together. Over the weekend he spent the night and we got extremely drunk together. He said some things that really confused me but I know I can’t do this all over again. I just don’t have it in me anymore.

Hell, he will only text me when he wants to see me. Which is exactly what he did before when we first broke up. He slowly worked his way in. And every time after I see him I take like 12 steps back and get sad again. I love him and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him, but this I cannot keep doing.

I have a feeling he will want to see me tonight. As it is the finale of a show we had been watching together. And if he does, I’ll let him come over. We can watch the show but afterwards we won’t have sex. I’m going to tell him I can’t be his “FWB” and I can’t keep doing this. I’ll tell him that even though I love him more than anyone or anything, I have to love myself and allowing myself to be in this situation is not loving myself. I deserve more than that and if he isn’t willing to give me that then we have to stop.

I can’t get over him if he still comes around and gets into my head that things will get better or change. Because that’s what happened last year and those months were so hard for me. I really think he has some serious commitment and emotional issues he either isn’t aware of or wants to deal with. In one month, barely, he went from being so loving and caring, telling me how much he loved me and missed me, how happy he was we got back together. To being the Russian I did not like, with his unavailability emotionally, picking fights, pointing out anything I do wrong, etc.

Once we have this discussion and he’s aware of it, I will be doing what is called the “No Contact Rule” from here on out. I don’t know what will happen: will things change with him, will I finally get peace and be able to just move on, will he realize he’s made a huge mistake and try to win me back, or will he just move onto the next one?

A sick part of me want’s him to realize he made this huge mistake and want me back. How awful is that? After everything he’s put me through, since the very beginning I would still want him. Why? I’m so confused at this point. Ugh.

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Just Don’t Know What to Do.

Why does it seem things always have to become so damn hard?

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When the Russian wanted me back, he made all these huge gestures and made big statements about love and us. Then it seemed around February it changed. I’m not sure if he got too comfortable, we moved too fast too soon, he is unsure or if I’m overthinking everything. After the holidays and my birthday things were just amazing. He told me he loved me on a regular basis, complimented me, talked to me and was always reassuring if I ever had questions or worries.

He finally had surgery for his back, that recovery time was hard because he basically lived with me for a month. I am so use to having my space at some point so we would bicker every now and then. I will say some of that could be blamed on me. He was always around and I was always having to cater to him, which in turn got to be exhausting because in my mind he should still be catering to me. Especially since I never did anything wrong.

When his house was finally finished he moved in and I became a little sad. In a sick way, as much as I wanted my own space I still wanted to see him and talk to him very day. So I became paranoid he’d go back to how he was before, and I’d never really see him. Then he’d just forget about me.

It just seems like lately we have been arguing so much more. I’m trying to change certain things or fix things, but it sometimes seems like it is not enough. He hasn’t told me he loves me in a month. Which I had finally brought up to him in an argument. Part of me wonders if I’m trying to push him away, or maybe he is trying to push me away. He doesn’t include me in as much anymore. He will say things like, “We don’t have to be so formal anymore.” Or, if he’s doing work at his business or home, instead of asking me to help he basically implies I should be a better girlfriend and just offer. But I never know what he’s doing. And previously, even when we weren’t officially dating, he would ask me to help and I always did.

He’s also starting to become controlling again. And mean. Very, very mean. He nitpicks on me for almost any and everything. The way I ask questions, give my opinion, drive, take care of my contacts, or whatever else he can think of he will tell me how I’m doing it wrong. What bothers me the most about that is he will now tell me, if I ask if he’s sure he wants this or me, is he tells me I’m being either insecure, needy or need to much reassurance and by me being that way pushes him away.

I just don’t know what to do at this point. Do I leave him and this relationship? Do I take a break? Do I give up all hope? I can’t stay in this weird limbo anymore and I certainly cannot bring it up to again or else I’ll get “in trouble” like a child.

We had a decent weekend together. Spent more time together from Thursday to last night than we have in almost two weeks. I’ll have to talk about that more later. I’m just so frustrated and confused. I have no one else I can really talk to about this anymore. My mom wants me to just leave him as she can’t stand him or the way he’s been treating me anymore. I’m somewhat mad at my best friend since she won’t be supportive or anything anymore even though I was there for her relationship problems. And we all know I can’t talk to him.

 

So what now?

Things Change, But Do They Change Forever?

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I wish I had posted my draft post I had been working on the weekend after Thanksgiving. Mainly because some serious shit went down and it has turned into this funny but amazing moment that I can’t wait to share with you all! So let me take you back to the week of Thanksgiving, about three weeks ago I believe. The Russian and I had seen each other a few times. We cooked at my house then he asked me the next day to help with stuff at his new house. Everything was fine and dandy really. He had been acting a lot more like a “boyfriend” and wanting to be around me. So things had kind of been getting better.

The night before Thanksgiving I spent with some friends and we went out. The next day was Thanksgiving and we kind of chit-chatted back and forth. That night he went shopping and picked up a movie for me all on his own. I was a little surprised but happy. I had been telling my close friends I planned on talking to him about where this was going and what this even was. Well, come Friday he never asked to see me or really seem to want to talk to me. I had gone to talk to my therapist that afternoon, I just started to see her, and she really hit home with me about a few things.

She actually had me read the old English poem, “The Spider and the Fly” while I was in my session. It really hit home with me in so many ways. Talking to her kind of made it clear to me the Russian was playing with me for his own benefit and that I needed to honestly end things with him. Well, late that night he ended up calling me asking if I would come pick him up from the bar. I was going to but he ended up driving to my house. We watched a movie, he passed out drunk on my couch and then when we went to my bed at around 5 am we had sex.

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Here is when things get rough. That morning, we fooled around a little then were lying in bed together. He was looking through his phone and I just so happened to see a particular girl’s name on his phone. The one who had been seeing him before me, and the same one he had been texting a few months ago. I instantly rolled away to put my panties back on, while doing so I let out a weird laugh and started to shake my head. He instantly was like, “She’s just a friend and I can text who I want. You shouldn’t be looking at my phone anyways.” I just nodded my head. He instantly changes the subject and starts to talk to me about his house. The last thing I even cared to hear about at that point. He then says he wants to show me some new stuff he put up in the house and I agree to go. Stupid me. While I was getting ready he let me dog out, but told me I had some packages outside. He brought them in of course. I knew what they were but didn’t open them.

As we are driving to his house he asks me what came in the mail. I just shrugged and said, “Nothing, stuff I have to send back.” He looked at me and asked me again what it was. I said the same thing so he says back, “Is it something you got for Christmas but now don’t want to give it to someone?” I nodded my head and just said, “Yep.” We get to his house and he’s showing me around and all that. He mentions something and then that’s when I basically lost it. After a long conversation, and him telling me again that he told me he had already said he didn’t have those feelings for me and that he didn’t believe I actually loved him cause I allowed him to keep seeing me I just went into full on bitch mode. I told him that the only reason I allowed him in my life after the first break up was because I am in love with him and want to be with him. But since he has told me this I no longer wanted him in my life and that our relationship was no longer beneficial to me. He did not like that. He then tried to say he wanted us to still be friends and I told him that would not be happening as he is now my official ex and I never speak to my exes.

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I also told him I would no longer be his “support system” and he could have one of his other girls do that for him. I also said I didn’t care about updates on his life, business or anything else. A lot more was said from me but it’s a lot. I finally stopped allowing him to back-peddle and put blame on me. Well, the funny part is we rode together so he had to bring me back to my house. That was a fun car ride. He kept asking me about my thoughts on his house, I finally busted out laughing and said, “Seriously? I don’t give two shits what you do. Ask someone else who cares.” He instantly got all upset and said he was sorry and maybe he was just an asshole, “You are an asshole, be honest with yourself,” was my response. We get to my house and he asks if I can give him a hug or if I was just going to leave. I gave him a half-assed hug then told him I needed my key back.

I jumped out of his car and never looked back. I immediately called my closest friends to let me know what happened and to get comfort from them. It was a rough few days. I had finals coming up and work was going to be hectic. Well, three days after that conversation he sends me a text, “Hey just wanted to say I’m still here if you need anything and good luck on your finals.” I never responded to that. And those that have followed this since the beginning know that I have never gone without responding to him. I held strong and continued doing schoolwork. After several days without real sleep I was exhausted and grumpy.

Come Saturday of that same week he sends me another text, “Thinkin about ya…hope you’re doing well :)” to which I never responded again. I had more school stuff to do and stayed focus. Well, come Monday he sends me another text while I was working out. “Miss my ace in the hole trim painter right now :/” I had never felt stronger before. Instead of thinking about missing him, I laughed and thought, I’m sure you do since I did so much shit for you willingly and without complaint.

The next night some friends of mine offered to take me out for dinner and drinks to celebrate finals being done. I hadn’t been out in a while like that so I got all dolled up. It was a great night, he didn’t cross my mind and I got roaring drunk. Which made work even more fun the next day. On Thursday I went to work and then worked out afterwards. I was doing stuff at my house when my FaceBook messenger went off. Well, after two weeks this is when I became weak:

Him: Not sure if you blocked my cell but I hope you’re doing okay :/

(I waited about 30 minutes)

Me: Didn’t block you. Been super busy with finals.

Him: How’d they go

Me: I’ll be finished tomorrow. Then I’ll know for sure.

Him: Well good luck! I’m sure it’ll turn out well. I feel so much better getting a response can’t even tell you

Me: Why do you feel better?

Him: I won’t get into it tonight before your final. I’ll let you study but I hope it goes well

Me: Okay

So the cynic in my mind is thinking he just wants to make sure I’ll answer so he can get the rest of his stuff from me or whatever. I don’t think much about it after that. The next day I’m at work starting my day when my phone goes off and who can it be? The Russian.

Him: Good luck! 🙂

Me: Thanks

Him: Will you let me know when you’re done with your final?

Me: It’s just a paper. I’ve already written it so I just have to edit it then submit.

Him: Oh cool

Him: I’m putting my last fixture together and the have to meet the inspector at 11. Can we talk after that?

Me: Um sure, what about?

Him: I’d rather tell you in person

Me: Is this something bad?

Him: I don’t think so. It could be bad for me but not you

Me: Bad for you? Is it gonna upset me or anything like that? If it’s something like that a call would be better to be honest.

Him: I really don’t think so

Me: Alright. Well where do you want to meet?

Him: I can drive over if that’s ok

Me: Okay, my lunch is 12 to 1.

Him: Oh you’re working today too?

Me: Yeah, I had to.

Him: Would you rather wait till you get off?

Me: I have an event to go to for work at 7 tonight.

Him: Ok well I’ll meet you at your house at 12?

So this all happens at around 10 that morning. My stomach was literally sick the rest of the morning. To be honest, I was expecting him to tell me he had met someone else and just wanted to be honest with me about it. Then get the rest of his stuff from my house. Well, he texts me a little before 12 to ask if he could pick me up food and I said yes.

I get to my house before him and that’s basically when everything changed.

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The End is the Beginning is the End

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I think this may be the hardest post I’ve had to right so far. The Russian and I have officially broken up. The weirdest part? I basically sensed that it was going to happen. The last few weeks just have not been good for us. I was doing things that he wanted and getting nothing in return. He basically stopped giving me any kind of affection besides sex. When he asked to come over last Thursday my sixth sense kicked in.

To basically sum it all up, he told me “I love you” for the first time in our relationship. But he followed it with “But I don’t know if I’m in love with you” which really stabbed that knife in a little deeper. We both sat on my couch crying while this happened. He talked a lot more than I did. I knew there was no point in me saying much because I couldn’t change his mind. He told me maybe he was making the biggest mistake of his life and maybe he’s damaged. He said nothing was wrong with me, I’m a wonderful girlfriend and we get along great, plus our physical chemistry was off the charts. I treat him amazing but still…nothing. Just like it was back in February.

In normal guy fashion he asked me if I was going to be okay. I told him that I was and am in love with him so I won’t be okay for a while but I will be eventually. We talked more but it was a slight blur to me. When he left I called my mom and closest friends to tell them. Oh, and cry uncontrollably. The whole weekend we didn’t speak to each other. Mainly because he asked me if I wanted us to be friends or him just completely disappear. I told him I couldn’t really think at that moment about it.

Sunday  morning he sent me a text saying, “Just wanted to say hi and hope your weekend was ok.” Then that afternoon he sent me a text asking if I was home. I still have a lot of his stuff here so I figured he wanted to get it. But he just asked for some specific thing. I told him I was home and if he wanted to get whatever that was fine. He came over. We kind of talked, I’ll give an overview. He asked about my weekend again, I said it was okay and my family came in. I asked about his and he said it was okay just really weird (considering we were together basically every single day for a year). He got what he needed and told me he would get the rest of it later unless I wanted him to now.

I knew I couldn’t handle him being in my home for much longer without crying I just told him he could get it later, that was fine with me. He gave me a hug. Then told me that maybe if we are both still single we can maybe have dinner or see a movie, he even was nice enough to say, “Nothing physical, not like that.” Which we all know is complete shit.

We had more small talk before he left and then he did. I crashed on my couch and bawled my eyes out. Knowing I’ve been demoted to something like that hurt even more because I’m still in love with him. Deeply so and it just broke my heart all over again.

Later that night he texted me after a show we use to watch together ended. We talked about it and then nothing.

Today, he told me he was going to be traveling out of state again for work. This is how that conversation went:

Him: “Back to ______ tomorrow”

Me: “That’s gonna be fun”

Him: “Wanna come?”

Me: “Lol I have to work”

Him: “lol”

Me: “I have to be at an event so I can’t work from home”

Him: “I wouldn’t have expected you to sacrifice a day for driving with me lol”

Me: “Lol uh huh”

Him: “Really didn’t think you would lol”

Me: “Lol I just cant, you picked a day I actually have to work”

I know what you all are going to say. I should have told him to just stop and leave me alone, that he was dragging me on and needed to leave it alone. I still have the old mind set that I want to do whatever he asks and drop everything for him. I know I shouldn’t, and I won’t anymore.

If someone could explain to me why, if you aren’t in love with someone but know they are, why keep doing this to them? If it was me, I wouldn’t be reaching out to him because I would realize how much it hurts him. It sucks not hearing from him but it reopens the wounds every time he reaches out to me. I haven’t thought about him since Sunday and then he texts me.

Now, I’m officially single and not quite sure what to even do with myself. I haven’t really “dated” or been single in over 5 years so what now? Also, I’m horrified that I may never have good sex again. Is that awful to think about? Ugh. I’m really sad and confused right now. Any advice would definitely be accepted right now.

Part of me wants him to just wake up and realize what he’s losing then do whatever it takes to win me back. But I know that more than likely won’t happen. And if it doesn’t, I just want him to leave me alone and let me move on. I already have had guys ask me on dates and all that, but I know I’m not ready for that because they would just be a rebound. Mainly because my heart isn’t ready for that again. I’m kind of in a “fuck love” type of mood now. I’m also aware that since my sex life is nothing now I’m going to be really aggravated which will make work even better.

Well, send me your positive thoughts as I go through a new journey now. Brightside?! I can blog as much as I want now! I have a brand new laptop and a whole lotta free time on my hands.

Really Need Some Help

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I know it’s been a long time since my last post and I’m sorry. Life has been hectic and a lot has been going on for me. But at this point in time I could really use some opinions and help. I’m still with the Russian and we’ve been doing the typical couple things, like taking trips together, spending basically every single day together and making decisions. I should probably start off by saying the past month has been hardest for the Russian and I. We’ve been arguing more with each other about little things and I know most of it is my fault. I made the biggest mistake and I shouldn’t have even thought about it. I went through his phone and I found something that I can’t let go of no matter what I try.

This happened after he got extremely drunk and had been pretty rude to me before he passed out. When he was completely out I decided to just look at his phone, not intending to even find anything but of course, I did. I happened to find this app called “Sbox” and it was password protected, it was the same password to get into his phone. When I put that in all my feelings changed. He still had a lot of the pictures I had sent him a while back, but he also had pictures of another girl he didn’t date but had pictures together on social media. She also has a boyfriend now. I know the pictures are old because some are before mine but the others are mixed with mine. I didn’t even know what to think or feel at that moment. I’m a pretty open person and porn doesn’t bother me, I would have much preferred him having looked at porn than keeping these photos.

It isn’t something I’ve brought up to him yet, mainly because I don’t know if I should or even how. Since seeing that it’s made it almost hard for me to have any trust in him anymore. I don’t know what to do because even he has noticed how I’ve been different. He picks up his phone to text or it goes off and my anxiety levels just go up. I now am just afraid maybe he’s cheating on me or doing something he shouldn’t. We got into a pretty big disagreement almost two weeks ago. I used the wrong word when describing our relationship and made him think I didn’t view this as a serious relationship. I had to apologize a million times to him and do all these things to make up for it. Which, I get I hurt his feelings and it wasn’t intentional at all but he never apologized for when he hurt me back at the beginning of the year. I even brought that up and it was like I should realize he was in a rough place and should just forget about it.

Now there’s like a wall between us. From his back pain and mood swings causing me to not feel wanted to now all this I don’t know what to do. I want to be with him and when we are our normal selves everything is perfect but I can’t help having these terrible feelings. I just need help with what to even do. So any opinions would be greatly appreciated. I can give more details if it’s necessary but I just had to get this little bit out first.

Going Forward in Many Ways Pt. 1

The past two weekends were actually a very good one if I do say so myself. Which was a surprise to me considering how my Russian was acting a few weeks back. Two Fridays ago during the day the Russian asked me what I wanted to do that night. I took it as maybe he wanted to do something different so I suggested a date night. Well he was accepting but then with certain time limitations we decided a date night would have to wait but we could just cook at my place and hang out. I had just finished getting myself put together when he got to my house. He then informed me we had been invited to Fred’s house to drink and just hang out. I had to change since my inside clothes would not have allowed me to survive in the coldness outside.

We picked up our own drinks and headed to Fred’s house. We were there for just a few hours, we had already agreed to just stay for a little while. Neither one of us wanted to run the risk of drinking too much and driving even though I had already been nominated for DD if we stayed late. When we left we picked up some food and went back to my house. That night we drank, watched movies and just had a pretty fun time together. He was talkative about different things and as it got later we both decided it was time for bed. He’s starting to cuddle with me more at night now which is really nice. That night he actually cuddled me and stayed more on my side than his. He was pretty playful with me before bed. Before I took my pants off he proceeded to smack my ass and then he took his belt off. He playfully spanked me with it and I responded with, “Don’t tease a girl with a good time.” Well he really started to spank me with it, then after I had taken my jeans off he actually spanked me with it. Uh, ouch but hot.

The next morning he woke up very early and then woke me up by placing my hand on his dick. Needless to say he got a BJ and then we went back to sleep. At some point he switched ends of the bed but was still lying next to me, I woke up and start scratching his legs and feet to fall back asleep. Well, he was still completely naked under the covers and he let me know it. I started giving him another BJ and then he asked me to get us a condom. We had sex, of course I was on top again, but he was more involved and attentive. I managed to actually have a few orgasms before he came. Afterwards we both showered and got dressed. I was expecting him to leave since he had his guys’ night later. Surprisingly he wanted to stay. So I made us lunch and he stayed till almost 7 p.m., we watched Hulu the entire time and cuddled on the couch. We didn’t even do anything sexual, just laid on the couch holding each other and talking.

The next day was the BBQ and so I got up Sunday morning to start making brownies. I was a little nervous I guess that the Russian would cancel on me, especially the last time he drank with this friend he had a very long hangover. But surprisingly he texted me to make sure I was up and then he came over. We got everything together and went to the BBQ. It actually was really fun, the man my Russian is friends with is actually a genuinely really nice guy. He made me feel really welcomed and was a great host. His family that was there were all nice and we had a pretty fun afternoon. We left after a few hours and went to the Russians. I helped him rearrange his furniture, clean and other things. I had offered earlier in the week to upload my Hulu account on his Xbox if he wanted me to (he already has my Netflix) so he asked if I would do that while I was there. I did and we started a new show he’s been addicted to that I really like too. He fixed us some ice cream and we just vegged out for a few hours. We fooled around for a little bit, I honestly wasn’t in the mood to give him a BJ because I was just tired from moving things. I ended up giving one but I wouldn’t fully deep throat him like he loves. Well, I actually wanted him to beg for it because I was just feeling sassy.

He ended up literally begging for it and he knew that’s what I wanted. Afterwards we laid on the couch for a while and then I headed home. I actually brought up the lack of foreplay on my part during one of our hangouts this week. It benefited me later on actually, which was really nice.

Tuesday he came over and we actually cooked together for the first time. We talked the entire time and it was funny watching him cook since he has openly admitted to never cooking before. It was a good meal and afterwards he did the dishes while I picked up the kitchen. I was so surprised he actually offered to hand wash the dishes. When my ex and I cooked he would never help with the dishes. He’d halfway help me cook and then dump everything in the sink for me. Another great reason I’m glad I left that man-child.

We started watching our show again after eating and I guess the Russian thought something was wrong with me. I was just being quiet and to myself which I’m sure threw him off. He kept asking what was wrong and why I was quiet and not fidgeting with him. I tend to fidget with my hand a lot so I’m always either scratching him or massaging him to not pick on my hair or hands. So he basically put himself all over me so I would fidget with him and he was doing some pretty cute things to get me to fidget. He’d lean back against me and rub his face against mine like and cat then say, “Are you gonna make me beg just for you to fidget?!” I gave in and he seemed relieved. We actually had a rare singing night. Somehow we just started listening to music and he began to sing for me. I don’t really think I have a good voice, I can harmonize really well but it’s just not my thing. Well he was really getting into it but also trying to teach me to sing higher and louder. Surprisingly, he liked me voice and thought it was really good. After a few hours of this we finally went to bed.

After joking around with each other in my bathroom, meaning he peed while I was in there and then wouldn’t leave until I went to the bathroom. Which was weird for me because I’m just an oddball. He slept on my side of the bed that night and we cuddled together the entire night. The next morning I tried to get up for work but he pulled me down to him and held me for a while longer. Then things got frisky, and in the end he got an extremely long blow job. That day was my weekly girls’ night so we did talk during the day and then that night we stopped. I figured it was because of that, he did send me a funny video on FaceBook later that night.

The next day he asked how the night went and all that. He did actually manage to ask me early in the day if I wanted dinner with him. We had a nice meal and then watched a movie at my house. We’re actually starting to watch some old gangster movies, since he hasn’t ever really watched them and bought this giant collection. During the movie he actually was extremely affectionate with me and we didn’t even drink that night. At some point he rearranged himself and pushed me to sit up so he could massage my back. After he did that for a while he leaned me back against him and just held me like that for a long time. Then eventually he was lying across my lap so I could rub his back for him. He’d keep asking for me to kiss on him or just to touch him. It was definitely odd for me to have him act this way. He also asked how we would be able to watch our favorite show when it comes back on, Game of Thrones, then suggested one of us get HBO again and we just split the cost. I was a little surprised just because this is somewhat of future planning but I agreed to it. He had decided to leave after the movie had ended but it was still fairly early. I was a little annoyed and disappointed with him, but it made sense and I got over it later. He did actually remember to let me know he was home but he knew I was annoyed so we didn’t talk any further.

Onto this past weekend….

Always Making Some Mistake

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Well apparently I really messed up Tuesday night and I didn’t even realize it. During the day Wednesday we chatted a little bit but it wasn’t our normal talk and he seemed a little shorter with me than normal. I knew not to expect to see him plus I had a girls night planned with a friend already. Well, while at dinner I was texting him and trying to play with him. This is when I realized I did something wrong.

Me: “But you’re being mean! I’m pouting over here (that was said in a Boston accent)”

Him: “Suck it up. You called me a pussy several times yesterday so I have zero remorse”

Me: “When did I call you that?!”

Him: “You know when”

Me: “That’s a slight blur but I don’t remember saying that…I’m sorry ;/ “

Him: “Yeah I didn’t like it at all ;/ “

Me: “I’m so sorry, I don’t even remember saying that and I won’t say it again I promise. Are you mad at me about that?”

Him: “I’m not actively mad about it. It was a huge turn off though”

Me: “I figured you were mad about it, I probably was thinking of a way to rile you up. Lesson learned.”

He then sent me one more text asking me a question that didn’t pertain to that conversation, I answered it and then he said nothing else to me. Okay. I do not recall calling him a pussy while we were rolling around on the bed. I feel bad that I did but I know myself well enough and probably was just trying to get to me a little rougher with me. So I must have told him to either stop being one or I called him one. Insert foot straight into my mouth. Great, so once again step forwards and more steps back.

Yesterday we talked off and on during the day. He told me the time we would be going to this BBQ on Sunday. I once again tried to joke with him about things and he joked back a little but not that much. After we talked then I didn’t hear from him for a while, I was a little upset when he didn’t even ask to see me or if I had plans. Well he randomly told me he had dinner with his brother. I have been all for him to have these dinners with him and be a present big brother for his younger brother. We talked about the dinner and how it went. He didn’t honestly seem to be trying too hard to keep the conversation going. We hadn’t talked about the weekend yet but I was assuming I would see him before Sunday. Then he sent me this an hour later.

Him: “Just an FYI, I’m gonna watch the UFC fights Saturday night with Clay”

Me: “Oh okay”

I’m not against him doing that at all, I’m glad he’s seeing his friend and all that. But is it selfish of me to think well when are you going to see me? I was slightly frustrated so I decided to try and get to the bottom of things.

Me: “Can I ask you something?”

Him: “Ok”

Me: “I kinda feel like you’re upset with me, am I somewhat right?”

Him: “No why”

Me: “I guess just the way you’ve been, usually that signals to me something’s wrong. So I wanted to ask and find out if it had something to do with me, and if so, what exactly it is”

Him: “The other day was weird but I didn’t know I was acting funny…and if I am, how?”

Me: “You’re just being a little distant with me compared to how you normally are. I thought you were mad or upset with me.”

Him: “I moved”

Me: “I know you did I helped you.”

Him: “Yea…so I’m not home alone”

Him: “Watching a movie with my grandmother right now”

Me: “I know you’re not and that’s not what I meant. I’m sorry for bringing it up.”

And that was just the end of it. He didn’t text me after that movie and has yet to say anything to me. It isn’t like I knew he was watching a movie with her, he easily could have said something earlier and I wouldn’t have brought that up then. It’s like he threw my worry under the rug and maybe I’m worrying for no reason but if you could see his texts and our conversations compared to last week/weekend/early this week to the past few days even you’d notice something was different. And it isn’t like I’m initiating any conversations but at the same time I know better. Just like today I don’t really know if I’ll even see him and I know I won’t Saturday. If Sunday still happens I’ll be really surprised. The last time he watched the fights with Clay he got so drunk his hangover lasted the entire next two days. I had to bring him food that morning and baby him the entire day.

I feel like I’m constantly walking this thin line between him really caring for me and being happy with me and me being this big disappointment. I want to know when I do things like that because they don’t typically happen. I make mistakes, everyone does, but to throw a mistake in my face and calling it a huge turn off makes me wonder. He has done things to turn me off but I don’t hold it against him, I don’t think I’ve told him of those moments. I just make sure they don’t happen again and maybe that’s what he is just doing. I also now feel even more uncomfortable about any sexual moments. I’ve been so on edge with the “slow down” on sex with him and not initiating anything that now I’m not sure how to be.

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Eh, I just don’t know what to do. I’ll see if he says anything to me or even asks to see me. I just am confused I guess. I will just let him decide if he wants to see me any time this weekend. I already have people that want to make plans with me but he knows he usually has first priority of my time. Maybe time apart this weekend wouldn’t be a bad thing when I think of it.

Oh well. Thoughts, opinions and advice are always welcome as usual!

Why Can’t I…You Know. Part Two

tumblr_n32298nlyv1rkbqbko1_500The next day after everyone left he asked me to come over to help him move the rest of his things. After we finished we went to his mom’s house to visit and eat with her. I know they have had a hard relationship in the past and she isn’t perfect but I do like his mom. He also was affectionate to me in front of her. During dinner we joked around and he was winking at me during stuff. We all sat on couches to relax a little before leaving and he had been sitting on the arm rest of the couch I was on. He slid down next to me and put my legs over his lap for us to sit like that together.

We eventually left and went back to his place for the last night. He’s going to be moving in with his mom for a while (long story but it’s understandable) so this was his last night there. The rest of the night we drank and watched movies. I gave him one BJ after the first movie had ended and we were starting the second. I was still slightly on my period so he was aware. During the second movie his phone went off at around midnight. He thought at first it was mine ringing and he actually reached forward to grab and check it. It took me back a little bit but I didn’t say anything. His phone was on the other side of the room so he walked over, checked it and told me it was a guy friend of his. He told me why he thought he was calling but it wasn’t 100% believable to me but I didn’t say anything else about it.

Well he resumed laying down with me on his couch and tried to start touching me. I wasn’t able to reach an orgasm…again and so I told him this. He stopped after a little while and noticed I was a little off. He asked what was wrong and I told him I was just frustrated I couldn’t have an orgasm. He immediately asked if it was because I wasn’t attracted to him anymore. I told him that definitely wasn’t why I just was having an issue and it bothered me. Well, he stood up and I laid back down to close my eyes for a little bit. He came back with his phone and made me look to see the guy who called was who he said it was. I told him while I appreciated that it wasn’t the reason. He said, “Well you’re probably just worried about making a mess and can’t relax.” So he laid on his back and grabbed me to put my laying on my back while in top of him. He immediately started going to town on my clit and rubbing more all over. Whatever he did that time started to work because I was able to have a few orgasms and actually had to tell him to stop because the pressure and feeling I was experiencing was getting to be too much. So he stopped and then laid down again. He was very aroused at this point so I gave him another BJ while the movie was still going. I was able to do something he had requested a few times and that basically drove him insane. Meaning going all the way down and then back up again, multiple times in a row. Afterwards it was time to either leave or go to sleep. Considering I was slightly intoxicated he suggested I just sleep there and he’d be sure I got up for work.

I finally convinced him to cuddle with me a little before going to sleep. I told him just to hold me and when he was ready to try and sleep nudge me a little so I can roll away. HE FINALLY DID THAT. After a few minutes he said “Alright little girl, good night and sweet dreams” then actually kissed me goodnight.

He woke me up the next morning and off to work I went. That afternoon we talked after my first day and all that. He had dinner with an older guy he use to work with but actually called me on the phone afterwards. We talked for about 30 minutes about how his dinner was and all that. He actually mentioned that his friend wants to meet me and invited us over for a BBQ this Sunday. I was really surprised but told him I would be up for it. We got off the phone when he was at his mom’s but we talked for a few minutes before he went in. He texted me for a while after we got off the phone.

The next day we basically talked the entire day. I initiated the conversation, which was first, but it went good. He asked to see me when I got off work, to help him finish up some things at his old place. We did some stuff for a little while but then decided to just relax and watch some Netflix. We ended up just doing shots of vodka for some reason. We’ve been doing one or two when we drink, on the weekends, to kind of help the process. Well somehow things got frisky and fast. I mention I’m starting to get really drunk, like, can’t feel my face or other limbs drunk. He starts to undo my jeans and make his way down my pants. He tells me to take my bra off while he does that. Then he pulls me into his lap and completely removes my jeans and panties.

He leads me to his bed and throws me down on it. He walks away to get a condom then comes back to the bed. We immediately start to make out and I remove his pants. I start to give him a BJ and deep throat him as he asks me to. He then puts his condom on and while I’m on top he slides into me. I’m going to stop there and just be honest with my readers. During the first round of sex I was not able to have an orgasm, didn’t even get that close to it. After he came he held me for a while then made a comment about me dripping on him. I then rolled off of him and to my side, he was like I ruined it didn’t i? And I just shrugged and said I was sorry, I was still turned on and couldn’t help it. Then he reached for me and started to finger me. I told him I wanted to have my orgasm while he was inside me so he asked if I wanted him to go rinse of and get a new condom. I told him yes and that’s what he did. Now, again when he came back I gave him a BJ for him to get hard and then I got back on top. Notice a pattern?

This girl is tired of being on top every. single. time. Well, sadly I was so close to orgasming during the second time but I went down while he went up and hurt his member a little bit. So we had to stop sex. He started to finger me more and it got intense with some dirty talk. I also was basically playing a little game with him. Resisting him and then telling him I couldn’t come but wanting him to keep going. He got frustrated I guess because I was holding his arm and he was using his other to hold me down so he stopped.

So he showered again and then came back. I had already gotten dressed again and was beyond frustrated to be totally honest. We spent a little more time together and then I helped him load his truck up before we left. I told him I was sorry for messing up the night and his response was, “Don’t worry about it. Those things happen.” Well we kissed goodbye and I left. I immediately called my best friend to discuss what happened and if I was overreacting.

I had decided not to text him when I got home. He knew we had done those shots and I was driving home inebriated so if he wanted to check on me he could on his own. I wasn’t expecting him to text honestly but he did. We talked for about an hour then both went to sleep.

I have a confession to make. A main reason for my orgasms is an emotional connection with the man I’m seeing. I need to know I have feelings for him and he does too. I’ve just always been that way. So after the conversation he had with me a month ago about not having deep feelings for me and not knowing why I think is a main factor for me. I’m sure it gets to him because I’m going from him giving me a minimum of 5 orgasms to over 15 once to now struggling for just one.

Plus, I’m so tired of always being on top. I am giving him BJs that last a while and being on top. To me it’s like is he just comfortable and knows I’m great at being on top. But sometimes a girl just wants to lay there and be fucked. Plus I love feeling the weight of a man on top of me. Eh, I’m not sure what to do besides ask him to freshen up his moves in other positions.

I just miss the days of multiple orgasms is that terrible of me? Feel free to share your thoughts, opinions or even experience with something like this.

Why Can’t I….You Know. Part One.

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I feel like discussing more on this feeling I have of being scared of being in love. Things haven’t taken a turn for the worst or anything dear readers, if anything, over this weekend things progressed and have gotten better. Well, except for my lack of reaching orgasms.

I started a new job yesterday and while I’m happy and excited for it, I’m still unsure of things. I have a house note I must pay so I need to work, just the work I’ll be doing is kind of stressful because if I don’t produce then I won’t be getting paid that well. Oh the joys of having the degree I have in this city.

Back to the Russian! He keeps on surprising me over these last few weeks. We had some very intense and serious talks last week in regards to his health and his worries with life. I really appreciate when he’s more open with my about these things, it helps me feel more stable with the relationship.

Last week we spent a fair amount of time together. His other Valentine’s gift came in on Tuesday and I happened to be off that day. So he came over to my house to watch it with me. He brought over a ton of food so we actually wouldn’t have to leave the house for dinner that night as well. It was a fun night together. We ate, talked, drank and cuddled together the entire afternoon and night. Also, apparently I had a little too much attitude that day because he literally spanked the hell out of me a few times. One of my ass cheeks is still a little bruised. I’m not complaining since I basically asked for it. He spent the night with me that night. We fell asleep on my couch but at around 2 am he woke me up and brought me to bed. We slept together and he got a morning surprise that was so good he was texting me on my way to work about it.

We talked a lot off and on that day. He had a family thing he tried to plan that night that completely fell through so we just talked that night. Thursday he asked me over for lunch and also for, well, a BJ. I took a long lunch that day and we spent some time together beforehand, then during I’d say it lasted at least 45 minutes. I’m definitely getting better at deep throating him and it’s driving him nuts. The only time my gag reflex even shows up is when I’ve gone all the way down, go back to the top and try to go back down again. Sometimes I can do it successfully with no issue and other times I have issues with it. After about the third time it causes me to gag. Of course, he enjoys when I do gag since it reminds him of his size.

The Russian actually got me my very own king size bed for my house. I have been really wanting one but haven’t gone through with it, well the opportunity came up and he gave me one. Thursday after work I met him and we loaded it up to bring over to my house. He was a little down on himself when I got there to help because his back was really bothering him. After we talked a little bit he seemed to be in a better, more playful mood. We got the bed unloaded and set up at my house. He helped me move my old bed into one of my spare rooms too which was nice. After all those chores he fixed us a drink and we finally sat on my couch to relax and watch the last of the Harry Potter movies. We actually didn’t do much that night out of the ordinary. At about midnight I asked him if we could go to bed and so he basically carried me to bed. Now that I have such a large bed he can’t complain about sleepovers anymore!

Over the weekend he actually had a “guy’s weekend” with some local friends since a few of his best friends would be coming from out of town. Since Friday was my last day of work and I was a little upset about a few things he asked if I’d come over after I left to help him do some things at his place. I left on my last day fairly early so I went over to his place, we went and had a late lunch then ran a few errands in order to get things he needed. We probably spent five or more hour just organizing, packing, cleaning and moving things at his place. A surprise BJ did happen at one point but that isn’t a shocker.

We weren’t really keeping track of time because then one of his guy friends showed up and it surprised us. I gathered my stuff to leave but the Russian told me I could stay and visit. Well a second guy showed up and I hung out with them for another hour or so. They already knew things about me which I take as a good thing. It shows the Russian has been talking about me. I went ahead and got food the Russian and I since we hadn’t eaten yet. I ate with them and then shortly after that I told him I needed to go. I hadn’t been home all day and my poor dog was lonely. Plus, I wanted to shower and get out of my work clothes. This was close to 10 p.m. and guy night was basically starting. He walked me to my vehicle, kissed and hugged me goodbye and thanked me for all my help that day.

That night he sent me a little text about something I forgot and we joked a little but then I passed out. The next day I woke up a little late but then I got surprised. He asked me what I was doing that afternoon:

Him: “We’re gonna eat at 1 at Dave’s then go to the exhibit show if you feel like going”

(My city had a weekend show/exhibit)

Me: “Sure, do you want me to meet you at Dave’s or at the exhibit?”

Him: “Whichever you feel like. I know Dave’s is short notice. But _____’s wife is going btw”

Me: “Okay, I can probably make Dave’s”

Him: “Okay cool, the one in _____.”

Me: “That’s what I thought.”

So I basically rushed myself into finishing getting ready and then driving over to that area for lunch. Plus, this was my moment to meet his actual best friend. Lunch was fun, Dave’s is a fairly laid back place. We took our time eating and just talking for at least an hour or so. After, the other guy’s wife left and we all rode in one vehicle to the exhibit. That was a lot of fun. We ran into some of his family there and chatted with them for a bit. Going in and out of different exhibits was when we had the most fun. His friends and I joked the whole time together and the Russian was loving it. He got a little “handsy” a few times but I didn’t mind.

Afterwards they brought me back to my vehicle and the Russian kissed me goodbye. His friends told me bye and that it was nice meeting me. That night I didn’t plan on hearing from him, it was a man weekend after all, but he did surprise me.

Him: “Had fun?”

Me: “I really did, thank you for inviting me 🙂 did you have fun?”

Him: “Yep it was a good time”

Him: “I wanted to throw you in a bathroom (sly emoji face)”

Me: “Oh really?”

Him: “One of those would be fun to have”

Me: “Oh they definitely would be. Everyone would know what was going on if you threw me in a bathroom btw…it did cross my mind a few times though”

Him: “Yeah it would be obvious”

Him: “Could get a few strokes in if you had on short shorts or a dress”

Me: “Very true, if I had those on we’d have really been in trouble”

The conversation went a little further but you get the gist. He texted me off and on much later that night. Quoting movies to me and wanting to know what I did that night.

To be continued….

Terrified of the Loving Feelings.

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Why is love such a scary feeling? I’m absolutely terrified of allowing myself to love the Russian. In fact, I’m so terrified just writing this down makes my chest get tight and my breathing speed up. Is it I’m afraid he won’t ever feel the same way? Or, is it because I’m scared that the love will run out like it did with my previous relationship and then what? I know the reasons why everything failed in my past relationship. We moved things way too fast, we didn’t take the time to really get to know each other, we weren’t compatible at all sexually and I was so young. Love when you’re 19 is different than love when you’re more of a grown up.

Valentine’s Day did show me the Russian definitely cares for me and I think to myself he is falling in love with me. He completely surprised me this weekend, which was a really great thing. We didn’t see each other Friday night, which was fine since I had seen him three days in a row and had a sleepover. Saturday he woke up early to tell me “Happy Valentine’s Day” and we chatted the rest of the day. I had spent some time with my family since they came to my city for a day. I did some shopping and got a few gifts from my mom for this “special” day. The Russian was very curious who I was spending time with but never really asked me what I wanted to do for that night. Well as I was heading to my house he asked where I was and when I’d be home. I told him I had finished shopping and was heading home.

My best friend had called me to talk about her date the night before and catch up on things. As I pulled into my drive way I looked under my carport and there was my Russian sitting in his truck. I immediately tell my best friend he’s there and I’ll call her back. He helped me unload my car but wouldn’t let me come near his truck. I had gotten him an additional gift but it was in my front seat. As he unloaded the trunk of my car I darted inside. The remains of me making his surprise laid on my coffee table so I scrambled to clean everything up and tuck this away.

After unloading everything he went back to his truck then came inside with flowers and gifts. I was completely shocked and couldn’t stop smiling. He gave me three, long-stemmed red roses that I put in the vase he had made for me. The gift was a new blu-ray player that streams Netflix and Hulu for my room. He knew I had been bringing the one he got me for Christmas back and forth from the living room. He instantly went and set it up for me in my room. He also got me a pint of my favorite ice cream and some candy he knows I love.

For him I made him some “coupons” ranging from me making him dinner to sexual activities. I did include some blank ones he can use for whatever he likes. I also got the newest season of his favorite show, it comes out officially tomorrow so he has to wait but he knows about it. Then I got him a small cookie cake that said “Be Mine” on it. He seemed to really like everything and got a kick out of the coupons. He told me he was thinking of us doing something a little different than normal but wanted to see how I’d feel about it. He said we could eat dinner earlier than normal, start drinking a lot earlier than normal that would allow us to get really drunk (he said it would be his way of making up for disappointing me Thursday night) and watch some romantic movies. He brought over the only romantic movies he owns and we watched both of them.

It actually was a very fun afternoon and night. He got a surprise blow job early in the afternoon. We were sitting on my couch talking and joking with each other while waiting to get food. At some point he jokingly put my hand down his pants to mess with him. I did for a little bit then stopped. He dragged me to the hallway in my home where we stood together and made out quite heavily and passionately. At some point his pants were unzipped and his dick was out. He wasn’t expecting a full BJ but he was so responsive and I was pretty focused on doing a good job. He came pretty quickly and then we went to eat. We had a really nice meal and talked with each other for a long time. He told me about an incident that had happened with his mom that upset him. I like that he opens up to me about issues and we can talk through it.

I should mention the whole time he was with me in my house and at the restaurant he couldn’t keep his hands off me. I had been wearing these leggings that are a favorite of his and apparently make my ass irresistible. He took a lot of pleasure in slapping it or spanking me if I was “mouthing off” to him. I won’t lie, I basically was asking for it after the first few times he did it. Mainly by egging him on or saying he couldn’t make it hurt if he tried. FYI, a backhand to the ass is quite painful…but also quite the turn on too.

He was upset that his grandmother called his mom to ask if she wanted to do something for Valentine’s Day, his grandmother is a widow and his mother is single. His mom told her no apparently. He was a little upset because he thought she should do something with her since they both don’t have plans. He then told me he had thought about taking all of us to dinner but didn’t want to ruin the day for me. I did tell him I would have been perfectly okay with that but he said he knew it wouldn’t work well. She also had made some comments last week about the way he had treated me (she thought he was being mean and mistreating me) so he told her that’s why he doesn’t bring me around a lot because of this happening. It was a lot for him and I felt bad because he does have a kind heart, he just wants everyone to be happy but takes it hard when it doesn’t happen.

Once we got back to my house we put in the first movie and started drinking. It was such a fun night we literally spent the entire time talking, laughing, goofing off, kissing and just cuddling with each other. It was so nice because he’d just grab my face to kiss me and he’d hold me against him while rubbing me. He did unintentionally hurt my feelings with the way he said something but he instantly explained himself and pulled me back against him. We ate the entire cookie cake while sitting on the couch together. He told me what his actual favorite cookies are so I know what to do for his birthday. It was so nice for us to be completely relaxed with each other but keep things interesting and no weird or awkward moments. I was so shocked with the PDA he was giving me but I loved every moment of it.

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We both achieved the goal of getting extremely drunk. We passed out on my couch together. He was holding me just like he use to and wouldn’t let me move if I tried to or if I wiggled around. Eventually at about 6 am we went to my room to actually sleep, that didn’t happen of course. Once we were both in bed and holding each other we started to both get turned on. I made my way down to give him another blow job, this one lasted a long time. He was back to trying to touch me and feel me. I wouldn’t let him and that drove him crazy. Mainly I was just trying to stick by what he said but also because I knew I’d be starting soon and if we had sex he’d make me start early. He kept begging me to go get a condom for him and I kept just shaking my head no. This drives him insane, completely insane.

After what I’d say was an hour of me sucking him and deep throating him, something we’ve discovered I can finally do well, he is now interested in seeing if and for how long he can, as he says, fuck my throat. It depends on how much I’ve deep throated him if he will be able to thrust his hips up or me just lightly move my head up and down. He pulled me up at one point so fast, slid my panties to this side and looked me very fiercely in the eyes. He kept his eye contact while he slid himself into me. I instinctively started to ride him in the way that makes me have an orgasm. Of course, him being inside me bare like that made him feel too close to orgasming so he pulled me off and wanted me to continue the BJ. I almost started but I saw I had bled on him some and told him I did. He was surprised I had started but I reminded him that I warned him earlier and he just told me to go grab a condom. I stopped and asked if he was sure, he then proceeded to push me off the bed, slap my ass and told me to hurry.

He put the condom on and I proceeded to getting on top of him and riding him. If I can be honest readers, I’m having a hard time reaching and having an orgasm with the Russian. I had seen something a while back from before we were exclusive, I know I shouldn’t care, but that really rubbed me the wrong way. Add in the fact he told me previously he was confused with his feelings and spiritual aspects have me all in my head when we are having sex. I don’t know if he’s aware of his or not yet. Well, the combination of a long blow job and the way I was riding him caused him to cum quicker than he expected. He even told me it was my fault since he was trying his hardest not to. He did take care of me afterwards and with him rubbing my clit gave me three orgasms. It took a little time though but once I have the first one the others continue to come a lot easier.

After he showered and I cleaned up we laid back down and attempted to sleep again. I passed out and slept some but when he doesn’t sleep well it wakes me up, so I would scratch his head, arms or back to help him relax. During one of these moments he rolls over a little, takes underwear off and put my hand on his cock. It shouldn’t have surprised me that he was hard. I gave him another long blow job, but this time we spent more time with me practicing deep throating and allowing him to thrust into my throat. I will say it got easier the more he did it but I did have moments I had to pull back. I kind of experimented with him being a little rougher with me. You know, telling him if he wanted me take it all he should be more forceful about it and other things like that. He told me he wanted to but was afraid of scaring me, I told I would let him know if it was getting too far. Once he came again he held me in bed for another 30 minutes or so. It was after 12 when we finally crawled out of bed. He actually surprised me and ended up spending the afternoon with me.

We laid on my couch and watched Netflix for several hours. At around dinner time he used one of coupons for me to go pick up food for us. He paid of course but didn’t want to leave the house. He left later that night so we could both shower and get ready for the dreaded Monday coming up.

It was a great weekend and the moments we had together really made me fall for him more. Which just scares me. Is it crazy or dumb of me to love this man? I really think he may finally be falling for me and I really want him to because I could maybe relax about all of this. I won’t tell him my feelings until we talk about his again. Is it bad I wish I’d have talked to him about it while we were drinking heavily? I know I would have gotten an honest answer from him about it.

At least this year for Valentine’s I actually had a man that wanted to do something and surprised me. That was a first in almost three years. I think back to last year when he revealed to me that he wanted to do something with me but wasn’t sure it would be possible for me to get away for the night. What a difference a year makes, huh?

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