No Set Expectation

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It’s been a week since my last post and what a week indeed.

I went out of town for about two days last week and was able to be out of the office for those two days.

On the second day I was out I heard from the Russian. Nothing extravagant but he was trying to joke and play with me, and I also heard from him on the next day as well. He wanted to know if I was going to an event in our city and I told him I wasn’t sure. I ended up going to the event but I didn’t mention it to him.

We didn’t speak on that Friday but the next day was his birthday and I sent him the usual “Happy Birthday!!” text. We ended up speaking pretty much the entire day. He had asked me what my plans were for the night and I stated I had dinner plans then was thinking of going to my hometown for the night. We joked with each other as we talked like we usually do.

He didn’t have anything planned for his birthday that night and inevitably he asked if I wanted to go hang out at his friend from work’s house. The friend pretty much knows the situation, since this whole thing pretty much started at his house. So when I get there the Russian is in the kitchen with his friend’s girlfriend’s little girl. We start joking together and making fun of the Russian. She is a sweet little girl and it was fun talking to her.

We all three eventually sit in the living room watching tv and continuing to make fun of the Russian. He tells me to be sweet and I roll my eyes and continue to act like a smart ass. I wasn’t going to be all sweet to him.

When she leaves with her mom it’s just the Russian, his friend and I in the kitchen talking and drinking. Eventually he decides it’s time to leave and he asks if I’m going to follow him back to his place. I kind of shrug and say sure. He walks me to my car, gives me a hug, kisses my cheek and tells me that I look really pretty tonight. I laughed and got into my car.

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As I’m following him he texts me every now and then while we drive. I know, no texting and driving but it happens and I eventually tell him to worry about his driving. We get to his house and I park in my usual spot and get out. He meets me in the garage and puts his arms around me then kisses my cheek and neck. He lingers by my neck for a little bit and then I follow him into his house.

He puts the DVD we left off on the last time and makes us a drink. I joke with him about something and he tells me I’m not being very nice. I remind him I’m only playing with him. He makes a comment that the nicer he is to me the more of a smart ass I become to him. I kind of shrug and smile. We start the show and he pulls me into him so I’m leaning on him more. He continues to play with my legs and arms. Every now and then he would play with my hair and kiss on me. Eventually he leans me forward and asks if it’s okay if he kisses me. I nod my head and we kiss for a little while. Eventually we resume watching the show and talk about what is going on and joking around. We finish that drink and he asks if I want another and I say sure. As we start another episode he again leans me forward but this time it’s to take my bra off, as usual, and then we lay down on the couch.

At some point I turn to face him and we start to kiss pretty heavily, one thing leads to another and I start touching his member. Then he whispers what I like to hear and I’m slowly making my way down to suck his dick. As this proceeds on he’s talking to me and touching me. He always keeps one hand in my hair so it stays out of my face. This continues on for a long time, I’d say at least 30 minutes. When he finishes he pulls me up to lay on top of him and we lay like that for a little while. I joke about something and he starts the show again. As usual, a woman’s breasts are shown on the show and he makes the comment that he really likes mine and that they are very nice. I say thanks and laugh, he asks me why I laughed and I just say, “Well what else am I supposed to say when you compliment my tits?” He grabs my hair and tells me to be nice.

As expected, at some point things get intense again and I start to give him another blow job. I also had been drinking for a while at this point and I look at him more during this one. He makes a comment that if I don’t stop looking at him like I was he was going to fuck me. This continues on for I’d say about 20 minutes, he keeps saying how badly he wants to be inside me and all that. I don’t stop what I’m doing and he finishes. He again pulls me on top of him and I lay on top of him for a while. Eventually I guess we fall asleep like that. Something happens, he might have snored, but I kind of woke up to check my phone. It’s about 3 am and I definitely wasn’t thinking it was that late.

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He asks me if I want to just stay the night there. I believe I said something like, “If it’s okay with you” and he tells me he wouldn’t offer if it wasn’t. So we lay like that for a little bit more.

Then he says if I’m going to stay there we may as well go to bed. At some point, after he has pulled his pants up and I’ve put my shirt back on I make some smart ass comment and he pushes me down on the couch and he gets on top of me. He grinds against me, pretty much teasing me and then he pulls me up and walks me to his bed.

He takes his sleeping pills and lays down in front of me but pulls me towards him so I’m big spoon. Well I kind of wiggle around to get comfortable and sigh a lot. This is just something I do. He tells me, “If you don’t stop with those noises you’re going to get me in trouble.” I laugh and tell him I can’t help it I’m just getting comfy.

I have a hard time sleeping in places I’m not familiar with. You would think I’d be familiar as hell in his house but I’m not. So it took me a little while to fall asleep but eventually I do. At some point I wake up and he’s kind of wrapped around me sleeping. I adjust myself to get more comfortable and go back to asleep. He gets up at some point to go to the bathroom and he comes back. I had apparently taken my shirt off in my sleep as I normally do, just a heads up. My back was to him and he pulls me closer to him and he starts to rub on my back and then my legs. Then he starts to try to put his hands down my pants. At this point I’m definitely awake. I stop him and tell him no, mainly because I’m due for a wax but also I didn’t want to have sex because apparently he just gets weird after sex. I finally tell him that I’m waiting for my wax this week and I don’t want him touching me. He informs me he doesn’t care about that and I tell him that I do. He, being a man of course, starts a conversation about shaving and waxing trying to distract me from his hand. I inform him I do both but I prefer waxing and if I shave it’ll set my schedule off. Eventually he gets the hint and stays out of my underwear but he proceeds to play with me until I have a few orgasms. He starts to get himself worked up and I give him another (yes that’s three!) blow job. This was at, seven am maybe?

We fall asleep again for another hour or two, I wake up and he’s rubbing on my ass and my back. One thing leads to another and….you guessed it, number four happened. He at first asked if I was sure because I had done a lot already, I remind him that I really enjoy doing this. So that one happens and after he finishes we lay together for a while, he runs his hand up and down my back and plays with my hair. I make a comment about his bed and he says yeah it forces you to lie next to me. I then say “Yes, that was unfortunate.” And he rolls over and pins me down to tickle me. After we have been lying around and joking we both sit up to get dressed. He gives me some water and we talk for a little bit. Poor guy had to witness me with not only bed head and crazy sexed up hair, but also my makeup was pretty much gone, I had mascara under my eyes and my eyes and lips were both puffy. I definitely didn’t look cute.

He walks me to my car and tells me he’s glad I came and stayed. I tell him the same and we kiss goodbye, he tells me to be careful. I drive back to the house and get there while the boyfriend is gone. I quickly jumped in the shower just to rinse off. I realize my lips are indeed puffy and swollen, that’s an obvious sign something was up.

Thankfully I was home alone for a few hours so I was able to rest a little and relax. I had just texted the Russian I made it home and he had said “Ok”. We haven’t spoken but I feel after spending the night together it must be a little weird for him. Plus, I haven’t had a “sleep over” in over four years so I’m weird about it too.

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I’m not sure what to think about this though, I don’t know if he expects to hear from me first or if I should give it some time. I’m definitely okay with giving it time; I’d prefer not to talk to him first.

I didn’t get to ask him about why we hadn’t spoken but I also know that at this time, whatever this is, I can’t set any expectations for him. And he can’t set any for me either.

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I finally have found a house I love and we are slowly starting the paperwork process. I did tell the Russian this because he asked if I was still house hunting. I suspect he thinks I’ll just stop looking for houses when he’s out of the picture but at this point in time I think it is necessary I move out. With all that has gone on I need some space to think.

So we will see what happens next….

 

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Am I Really That Easy To Let Go Of?

ImageSo here we are one whole week later and still…nothing.

I’m not sure what to think or do at this point, besides wanting to slap the shit out of the Russian. As I should have known he has pulled his infamous disappearing act on me again. You would think I’d know better, at least I was expecting it this time around. One of these days I’ll learn my lesson when it comes to men like him.

I recently found a house that I absolutely adore and want. So we will see how that progresses. Things with the boyfriend are slowly getting worse; he had gone out Friday night and stayed out the entire night. Not getting back to the house till 9 am the next day. I decided to go to my parents’ house and this had been planned for a few days. I just had to get away from him and the house. It was nice just getting away and thinking. He did clean the house some on Sunday which was nice, but when I got home we immediately got into an argument and he went into one room to watch TV and I stayed in the living room.

Yesterday was St. Patty’s Day and since I’ll be going out of town today and not returning till late on Wednesday I had decided to just stay home and try to spend time with him. He wanted to go out to a bar I hate, even after I told him I wanted to spend time with him. He went out and didn’t get home till a little after midnight.

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I’m happy I’ll be leaving work soon and not coming in tomorrow. I can continue playing my avoid the Russian game and the boyfriend. I almost had a run in with him this morning and he did see me. But I just waited in my car for a few minutes before I walked into the office.

Very mature of me right? Ugh.

Lesson learned; don’t sleep with your coworker. Especially if they are going to continue playing with you, leading you and then acting like you don’t fucking exist.

I also have a feeling this will be the way I act when he tries and approaches me again, which I know we all can agree with, he will:

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You’re So Far Away

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What is it that person a person want something? That craving urge that you just have to have something. Where does this come from? And why can’t I make it stop?

I have been asking myself lately what it is that I want? Unfortunately, I have not been able to really answer that question. One thing I want to know is why do people claim to want something, but fall away when they are close to getting what they wanted?

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I feel this way right now in regards to the Russian. If you read my post from last week you’ll remember that he was (as I felt) going down the same path as before. But he spoke to me a little every day. However, over the weekend he spoke to me like before. Friday night he was texting me from 1:30 in the morning to a little after 4. He had his guy friends over gaming and he finally told me that was what he had to get things ready for. I had randomly told him I like to game too, even though I had revealed this to him when we were first getting to know each other.

He claimed I was just trying to say the right stuff and I told him I had been gaming since I was young. I did say that I’m not the best at it but I just like to play.

The next day I heard from him a little, then during the later part of the afternoon he was talking to me more. Then again he was texting me late at night while they were playing again.

Him: “You should have came and played with us”

Me: “Well I didn’t get an invitation! You’re playing again tonight?”

Him: “Yea”

Me: “Not my fault you didn’t ask me old man”

Him: “We’ll have to play one day”

Then the conversation carried on a little until I passed out. The next day he texted me during the afternoon asking what I was doing and as usual, I was cleaning on a Sunday. He said he was being lazy and that I should come take a break at his house. He then asked if I’d be able to watch a few episodes of the show we have been watching or just for a few minutes. I told him I could probably watch a few episodes before leaving.

I think this was the second Sunday we’ve ever hung out together. The last one was only because I was leaving my parents’ house and he was on my way to my house.

Now when I got there he was laying on his couch already, so I laid down in front of him and put my back against his chest. We started talking a little about what was on tv and were joking around. This was one of the times we spent together not drinking or anything. Eventually he starts the show and picks it up where we had left it off last time. When the credits were starting he made me turn to face him and made some comment about me putting my ass towards him and then he kissed me. It was fairly enough, to the point he paused the show and pulled me on top of him. He had then began to play with my breasts and eventually slowly made his way to take my bra off. Once he did that he really started fondling them at that point. Eventually we stopped kissing and he had me laying on top of him, with my head laying on his. I felt like I was hurting him so I moved down a little and put my head on his chest.

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We continued to watch the show at this point. Laughing and talking at certain points together. During this point I’d kiss on his cheek or neck because I know he likes that but also I like doing that as well. He would rub on my back and squeeze my hip from time to time. Eventually we started to kiss again and things eventually picked up some speed, he started to make me…I think the term would be “grind” against him. To the point I couldn’t take it anymore so I leaned up to his ear and whispered, “May I suck your dick sir?” And he groaned and just said, “Please.”

I made my way down and started doing that to him. As usual, it was great for him and me. I didn’t want to stop and he usually lasts for a long time, I’m talking anywhere between 15 to 30 minutes and I love that. At some point he asks if he can take my shirt off and I nod my head yes. I continue sucking his dick until he comes. When he’s finished I slide myself up and lay there in his arms. He jokingly says something like all that hard work wore him out. I laugh and say something smart back. He comments on how fast my heart is beating and I remind him what I just got done doing. We lay like that for a little while and then he starts the show back up and I roll over.

I’m still topless so he continues to play with my breasts throughout that episode finishing and then the next one started. Every now and then I’d turn my head to kiss him and he’d kiss me but then he’d turn my head back to the tv. I kept playing with him about that a few times, eventually I resumed watching the show. Since I was laying in front of him he would put his hand on my hip and rub on my side. He had the arm that was under my stretched out, so every now and then I’d play with his hand and fingers; he would do the same to me.

At some point I was facing him again and we started kissing again. I eventually reached my hand down to feel him and, not surprisingly, he was hard again. After more kissing and touching he asked if I wanted to taste him again, I said yes but kept kissing him. He put his mouth next to my ear and asked me, “Will you please suck my dick again?” I moaned a little because he knows how much that turns me on. I then whispered for him to say it again, which he did, and then I started to suck his dick again.

This whole time, like last, he’s whispering little things to me and calling me baby like usual. This time it takes him about the same amount of time, maybe closer to 15 minutes to come again. He pulls me up to him afterwards and I lay next to him on my stomach, with my arms stretched up a little. He starts to massage my neck and shoulders. I eventually put my head and his chest and we lay there like that for a little bit longer.

This had been well over two hours at this point. I tell him I should probably go soon, I grab for my bra and shirt and put them both back on. He walks me to my car then kisses me and hugs me bye. He then tells me to behave myself and I tell him to do the same.

I decided to stop by the local book store and while I was browsing I realized I never told him I made it home. When I get there I text him, he asks if I got lost and I explained where I was. He called me a nerd and joked with me.

The next day I texted him first, nothing serious just something funny about me having to deal with paint fumes, he seemed concerned a little until I explained it. But then yesterday I didn’t hear from him at all, and today is Wednesday. The day we usually hang out with each other and I still haven’t heard anything from him.

This is what I’m talking about when it comes to him. Why does he do this to me? It’s so confusing sometimes. I’m not the one to go chasing after him because I felt like last week it was weird but then over the weekend things were getting back to normal. I don’t know if he’s doing his weird, awkward post get together thing. Which I wish would just stop because that is so annoying.

I just don’t know how to take him at all, and I don’t want to burden my friends with this because I feel the two who know this get tired of me talking about him.

So I’ll just vent here in the hopes someone can answer my questions for me.

Until then…

 

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I Want To Be Yours

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So much has happened since Valentine’s Day. I may have to break this post into two separate parts! I’m trying to focus on where to begin….

After our Thursday rendezvous before Valentine’s Day things went as I had expected. I didn’t hear from the Russian on that particular day, I wasn’t expecting to because I think that would have been weird for both of us. The next day I spent packing for my trip I was preparing for and we were texting on and off during that day. As the day wore on he eventually asked me how my V-Day was…I told him that as usual I didn’t get anything from the boyfriend. He cooked some dinner but that was it, no flowers, no card and not anything sexual. The Russian then revealed to me he had wanted to ask me to come over but felt stupid because of the situation. I told him I would have tried but it may have been too hard. So Saturday night he was at one of his friends’ houses that I’ve been to and sent me a picture of the food there. I told him I was jealous and that he was being mean by showing me. He told me that he wasn’t sure if I would have time to see him before my trip and that’s why he didn’t ask me to come over.

He also told me he didn’t know what he was going to do Wednesday since he wouldn’t see me and that is our usual night to see each other.

We both told each other that we wanted to see each other before I left but it didn’t get to happen. While I was away for the next four days we spoke every day and usually all day. I would send him pictures of what I was doing and things like that. He would tell me to behave and things like that.

The boyfriend and I, on the other hand, barely even spoke to each other. The night before I left he went out and didn’t get back to the house till about 45 minutes before I had to leave. I was so aggravated that I did not even wake him up before I left. He did the EXACT same thing to me last year and I should have expected it. And when I returned from my trip he decided to work late and go to the gym before seeing me. So I saw him for maybe two hours before we went to sleep.

The next day the Russian and I decided to see each other, it made me feel a little nervous since I had just returned from a trip but I really wanted to see him. That night we watched our show again, and then things intensified quite a bit. We did our usual kissing each other and things like that, but I finally let him touch me again. And after a certain amount of time, the discussion of sex came up.

I told him I really wanted to and I wanted him inside me. He had asked me if I was sure and I said, “Yes, as long as you don’t pull a disappearing act on me again.” He grabbed my face and told me that wouldn’t happen and that I knew why it happened.

I ended up with some various…mark on me this time as well. From him slapping my ass one of my ass cheeks was and is still bruised up. It definitely didn’t hurt at the time. Then I had some finger marks on my legs but those went away fairly quickly. And then, now this is awkward to explain, but I had a small bruise on my cheek from when he playfully bit me. We had been playing with each other and he bit my cheek, I told him it hurt a little and he didn’t believe me so I bit his shoulder. That apparently gave him a mark as well!

So we did, quite a few times that night. And it was just as great as I remembered it to be. I didn’t leave there till much later than I had planned. He was texting me on my way back, asking me questions and things like that. I pretty much snuck into my house and the boyfriend thought I was home two hours earlier than I actually was.

The Russian had texted me that Friday, pretty much all day. When he is busy at work I don’t hear a lot from him but that’s okay. And then that night we were texting, I was jealous he was watching the show without me and he said I can come over whenever I want. I told him I maybe could Saturday but he told me he had plans with one of his buddies. I told him that was fine and probably a good idea we waited to see each other again. Well the next day we were talking again and he asked me what my plans were. I told him nothing special, just cleaning and things like that. He tells me his buddy cancelled on him and the he’d be going over to the friend’s house he was at last weekend. The one whose house I had hung out at a lot with him before he pulled his disappearing act. He then asked me if I wanted to go, and I told him I would try and see if I could get away.

I was able to with some convincing of my boyfriend. I have a feeling he may be starting to get a little suspicious. So I went over to…Ben’s house and stayed over there for a little while. It was fun, we drank and just chatted like we all use to. Eventually though, the Russian got a little too intoxicated and I ended up having to drive him home. The plan was to go back to his house anyway so that wasn’t terrible. The ride home was funny and he joked around with me. However, he did get somewhat sick once we got to his house. At one point I was a little worried about him but he came back into the room and said he felt better. He was telling me how sorry he was for how drunk he got and that I deserved better and that he was being a terrible date. I told him it was okay and I forgive him, we all get drunk and it happens/

Well, we went and laid down in his bed. I was laying behind him and had my legs tangled in his with my arms around him. He was laying there and told me, “This feels perfect.” Eventually I asked him if I took my pants off would he judge me and he said no. I took my pants off just to get comfortable plus it was hot. Well one thing led to another and he hand his hands on me. As he is playing with me I, of course, start getting extremely aroused and reach forward to touch him. And lucky me, he is extremely hard. He rolls over and I proceed to start sucking on his cock. He starts whispering how badly he wants to be inside me and I moan in agreement. He tells me to reach into his drawer and get a condom, which I do.

Once he’s ready I straddled him and inserted his dick inside me. Every time we start it always hurts me a little, he is so big and it blows my mind. Well I stay on top of him for a while and this causes me to have several orgasms. Eventually I turn myself sideways and we fuck like that until I have an orgasm, and then I turn full reverse cowgirl on him. He loved that; he would slap my ass or grab my arms and pull me back onto him. He still was able to maintain control even when he was on the bottom. When I turned back around I propped myself up and he fucked me so hard. I ended up having to stop him at one point because it became too much. After multiple orgasms that way I told him I wanted him on top of me and behind me. So he put on a new condom and got on top of me.

He usually likes to throw my legs up on his shoulders or hold them up high. Where as, I prefer when I can feel him on top of me and either wrap my legs around his waist or put them flat down and hold myself up a little. Up until this point he is telling me how amazing I feel, how beautiful/sexy/gorgeous I am and then he tells me that his dick is mine. Just mine. I kind of make a “Uh huh” noise and he grabs onto my face and tells me again and asks if I want it. I tell him yes.

He then flips me over and proceeds to fuck me from behind. This is one of my favorite positions. And he is amazing at it, he knows when to go faster and harder and then when to go slower. In between him slapping my ass and pulling my hair, I have even more orgasms. Eventually we stop, this had been going on for I’d say at least an hour now, if not longer.

He starts to play with my clit and I tell him to go easy, once I’ve had so many orgasms I get very tender there. As I’m sure other ladies can agree with me. He takes that condom off and I start to touch his dick again, it’s still hard. A little pre-ejaculate comes out and I get it on my thumb so I licked it off. He asked me what that was for and I told him. He groaned and asked me if I would suck his dick. I happily obliged. Up until then he hadn’t came yet and I was starting to feel bad. I told him I wanted him to cum for me and he directed me in what he wanted. So I proceed that way until I said I wanted to fuck him till he came, he asked if I was sure and I said yes. I grabbed another condom and I get on top of him again. I have this move I do when I’m on top and I had been using it on him. He asked me if I would do that again while he fucked me. So as I was doing it, I had another orgasm which led him to cum as well. It was such an intense feeling.

Well we fall asleep naked and in each others arms. I literally passed out cold. I woke up with a start and jumped to check the time. I had a feeling it had to of been daylight. Thankfully it wasn’t as late as I had expected but I needed to leave. I started getting dressed and I told him I needed to go but I wish I could stay. He told me he did too, he held me and then walked me out.

As I was leaving he was texting me asking if his snoring had woken me up and I said no, I just woke up. He told me he hoped I enjoyed myself because he enjoyed me. We texted a little and then I got home. The boyfriend was in the living room laying on the couch. I woke him up and we went to the bedroom to go to sleep. He asked me a few details about the night but that was it. The next day he acted like it was nothing and went on and did his usual things.

The Russian texted me fairly early the day after (yesterday) and talked to me pretty much the entire day which was a surprise. He wanted to know what happened because he couldn’t remember certain things at Ben’s house and I explained some details and we laughed about it. Eventually we got onto the topic of the sex and I told him I had passed out right after he finished and he asked why. I explained why and he wanted to know how many orgasms I had. I told him an estimate and he told me he’d probably die if he had that many…once again I told him that’s why I passed out.

Eventually the conversation got to me being bored and alone; he told me I need to tell him when I was so he could invite me over. I asked him if he was ready for another go around, he tells me he had woken up ready. I revealed to him that I wanted to have sex with him again before I had left that night too.

The sex with him was absolutely amazing; he was so attentive to me and what I wanted. And the way he will look at me is so sexy. I couldn’t believe how long he lasted and how willing he was to keep going with me.

I’m just not use to that at all and I’ve told him this.

Well today we’ve been talking on and off, we are both working. But the topic of me house hunting came up. He’s been looking at houses too, just because of his living situation he may not be staying there permanently. Well we were talking about duplexes, and I know he was joking but the conversation went like this:

Him: “How about I buy one and rent you a room”

Me: “Lol I can be a very demanding tenant”

Him: “Sexually or seriously?”

Me: “Both I would say lol”

He then asks a question using a phrase I guess we are using for sex and I say that would be enough to keep me happy.

Now, I hope he was joking but I couldn’t believe he said that to me. Then he was asking about rent and things like that.

I will say, I’m so relieved that he didn’t pull another disappearing act on me. I really had a feeling that he would and I would be back to where I started. I’m worried about us getting more feelings for each other though, especially since I’m still living with my boyfriend. I really want to tell me boyfriend tonight that I want space and need to find my own place but I don’t know how to even begin that conversation.

I’m in so much deep shit right now I just don’t know what to do. We shall see though, I’m hoping soon that a house that fits my needs will make its way to me soon.

Until next time!

What’s Going On In That Beautiful Mind?

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I can’t wait to see him tonight. I literally have been looking forward to this all day today. It isn’t our usual day to see each other so I’m a little nervous. I’m not sure what to expect but I know I’ll be happy once I see him.

I have a lot to write about from the past few days but I’ll wait until after tonight’s rendezvous so I can include that as well. I just had to get it off my chest that I’m excited to see him again. How pathetic is that? I can gross myself out with my sappiness sometimes. I’m so tired of the once a week rendezvous’ but I know it has to stay this way until I get other things straightened out.

Until tomorrow…

That’s My Face

Image“When I saw him put his hands on your face I wanted to yell at him not to touch you, because that’s my face. But I couldn’t because that wouldn’t have ended well.”

That one sentence the Russian told me Wednesday night made me catch my breath. It was the first time in a while he voiced his feelings for me. The reason he said that was because he had been in the same place as the boyfriend and I had been Saturday night.

After the Thursday we had spent together last week I didn’t really hear from him until the Sunday after we saw each other. It was kind of awkward starting the conversation. We hadn’t actually seen each other out like that since we started this…whatever this is. But once we got past the awkward parts it got to how it always has been, just talking to each other and asking questions.

Seeing him Wednesday I feel made him reveal more of his feelings towards me. Once I picked up some food, he had been craving steak, I went to his house as usual. Us eating together is such a normal thing, we joke and laugh together. He has no problem giving me shit or taking my sarcasm and jokes. He paid me back for the food, I told him he didn’t have to but he insisted since it wasn’t like burgers or pasta.

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We continued where we left off on the show and cuddled on the couch with our drinks. (That’s how we usually look on the couch)

I really and truthfully don’t know how to think of him. I feel myself falling for him every time I think about that night. During our time together of course we kissed and did some of the usual things we do together. But at one point he pauses the show to ask me some questions. I’m sure I’ve said before that he has some dominant tendencies and one of the things he likes to do is touch and grab my throat.

I know there are some people who are thinking, “What the fuck?!” It isn’t something I’ve ever done before but the way he does it is such a turn on that it’s crazy to me. Well, he wanted to know why I liked it when he did that. I quietly explained that I wasn’t sure why but it just felt good. He says, “There’s no way you haven’t been grabbed like that before. I mean, who wouldn’t want to wrap you up like that and kiss you?” I just shrug and say well it has never been done before. He asked me why, I just tell him everyone has always acted like I was some delicate flower that would just break.the-notebook-face

He then mentions that he saw my boyfriend touch my face Saturday night and then said the above comment. He then added, “I shouldn’t feel that way but I can’t help it.” I honestly was shocked and didn’t know how to respond. I couldn’t tell him the thought of that broke my heart, because I want to be his. All of me.

I just laid my head against his chest and closed my eyes for a minute. He then just wrapped his arms around me and held me closer. He pressed play and the show continued on.

After we were watching it for a while, he did his usual thing where he touches my face and then squeezes my cheeks. I kind of fidget and tell him to stop because I don’t like that. He tells me I have no reason to do that, I need to stop worrying about what people think, especially him. He kind of whispers that into my ear. So I try and relax so he can touch on my face, then he starts to massage on my jaw and then my neck. I instinctively start to make little noises, not trying to sound sexy but just because it felt good.

He tells me, “If you don’t stop making those noises we’re going to have a problem.” I laugh and say, “I’m sorry but I can’t help it. It just feels nice.”

He pauses the show again, “Do you have any idea how pretty you are?” He always asks me this question, mainly because I don’t think I’m that pretty. He starts brushing my hair back and tells me to keep my eyes closed and not to move unless he moves me. He then proceeds to touch my face, running his fingers down my face to my jaw line. He then touches my neck and tilts my head to the right. He proceeds to do the same thing on the other side of my face. It’s so intense and personal for me, I’ve never just let a man stare and touch me like that.

When he’s done he says quietly, “You’re face is so symmetrical, you’re so beautiful.” I whisper thanks to him and open my eyes. “Come on, you have to know you are so far above average looking. Why else would you take those model pictures?” He’s always asked about my portfolio pictures. I just say that lots of girls take those kinds of pictures it isn’t a rare thing. He says, “But they don’t look like you.”

I tell him thank you again and just look at him. I go to lay back down on him and my phone goes off. I pick it up and see it’s from the boyfriend asking what I was doing. I said watching TV with the girls. The Russian takes my phone and looks at it. I set it back down and he says I kind of feel bad. I nod my head and get quiet. He looks at me and says “The only reason I don’t want either of us to get in trouble is so he doesn’t find out what is going on and gets hurt. Because I’ve been there before and I don’t want to make someone hurt like I did.” I kind of blatantly say if you want me to leave I will. He grabs me and says, “Don’t say that shit. I just don’t want him finding out and everything getting out of hand.” I nod my head and say I agree. He pulls me close to him and tells me I need to get my own place. I tell him I’m trying and he smiles.

The Russian has told me his last serious girlfriend cheated on him once, but it wasn’t like what we are doing he says. The rest of the night continues on. We play with each other and kiss more. When it gets later I tell him I probably should leave once the episode we are watching ends. I say I don’t want to but I should.

He asks me if we should just pause the show for a little bit. I look at him and say if you want to we can. He pauses it and sits me on top of him. We start to kiss and it’s so passionate. We kiss in the way he showed me earlier and I can tell that’s what he really likes. He grabs a handful of my hair and pulls me back from him. I look at him and he pulls my ear to his mouth. He whispers those words he knows I love hearing. I slowly make my way down and start giving him a blow job.

Not to blow my own horn but I know I rock his world every time I do this for him. He gets so into it that it makes it more fun for me. He will play with my hair and talk to me during. When we finally reached the climax and I sat up to look at him he had his eyes closed and was smiling. When he looked at me he groaned and said, “You’re going to drive me crazy with that.” I laugh and lay down next to him. When I finally stand up to get dressed he does the same. I’m not sure what or how it happened but next thing I know he picks me up and I wrap my legs around him. We kiss like that for a while and he slowly put his hand down my pants. I whisper how badly I want him and he quietly says, “You aren’t ready yet.” He sets me down and I walk to my car.

This is probably one of my favorite parts. He kept pulling me back against him and kisses my lips, neck, face and just laughs with me. I tell him he needs to quit teasing me. He then pins me against my car and kisses me hard. “Don’t call me a tease.” He tells me as he quickly puts his hand down my pants and quickly slides a finger inside me. I was in such a shock he did that I didn’t even stop him. He eventually brings his hand out and wraps his arms around me.

I’m getting ready to go out of town on a little vacation for four days and tells me I better behave myself. I say yes sir and laugh. He opens my car door and puts me in my car. He continues to kiss me so deeply. Then he wants to make sure I’m okay to drive home, I tell him I’m fine. Then, “Do you have your phone?” I nod, and smile. “Show me you have it.” I pull it out of my pocket, “See sir, I have my phone!” He does this adorable little drunk dance and tells me to text him that I made it home okay. I tell him I will. He does this dance again and says, “I’ll beat that ass if you don’t let me know you’re home safe!!” I laugh out loud and say I will and not to worry. He then leans into my car again and gives me such a deep kiss. He holds me like that for a little while and then says, “Alright little girl hit the road.”

I get home safely (obviously) I texted him and told him I was home. I thanked him for inviting me over (a little inside joke between us) the next morning he said he was glad I came and that he was more drunk than he thought. I laughed and asked if he remembered the dance he did. He didn’t and was surprised at himself.

We talked some that next day, just back and forth kind of stuff. That night I thought he seemed a little grumpy and he told me he was tired. Then he joked with me about something and that was it.

Considering today is Valentine’s Day I didn’t really expect to hear from him. It is a “love” holiday. Is it bad that I wish it would be him sending me flowers or taking me to eat somewhere? Considering the boyfriend hasn’t and probably isn’t doing anything for me it makes me sad.

I’m going to use the time I’ll be away to really figure out what it is I really want. I won’t be around either of them for a few days. But I already know what I want don’t I? I want my Russian and I want to be his.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone, I hope it started and will end better than mine.

Just Be Sweet

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Spending time with him just makes me happy. The way we play and joke with each other is so natural, it just doesn’t seem real to me. It’s so strange for these feelings to happen to me. I literally look forward to just spending time with him, even if it is just eating at his house and watching movies.

Last night was so much fun for me and it is starting to get harder and harder to stay away from him. I’ve learned ways he likes to be touched and kissed. It’s odd for me knowing I can do small things to him that causes him to catch his breath. We ate, watched a some episodes of his favorite show and cuddled during the time we were together. He played with my hair and hands like he always does. A few times he kissed the top of my head and would hold me closer to him.

It’s strange to me when he compliments me too. I just don’t know how to take them sometimes, I guess I just don’t feel that way about myself. But he can be so affectionate and funny with me I almost want to believe him.

Of course at one point he mentioned that my bra must be really uncomfortable and that he was implementing a “no bra” policy for me at his house. I laughed it off and said whatever. Eventually we were kissing and one thing led to another and he pulled me into his lap. He starts to massage my back, shoulders and neck until he slowly makes his way to my breasts and he starts massaging them. He then, very seductively I will say, slowly removed my bra and then said, “That’s much better.” Then he of course starting rubbing on me and made his way down to my clit. He continues to maneuver his hands until I have my first of several orgasms that night.

I’ve learned over the past few months with him that he has some dominate tendencies in him that are extreme turn-ons for me. I’m always the one men choose to treat like a delicate flower and I get tired of that. But with him he has no problem taking a handful of my hair and pulling it if I smart off to him or grabbing my face and putting it on his shoulder or make me kiss on his face. He asked me last night if I was okay with him doing that and I told him I liked it. Oh and the skills he has for smacking my ass are amazing, he does it in such a way that while it stings for a second it still feels good.

Of course I did ensure he came a few times too. Twice actually. There is something about him and his dick that I can’t get enough of, and even though I have always enjoyed BJs, with him it’s like I just want to do that all night. I was tempted to do it a third time but there wasn’t enough time. I have to actually work on my gag reflex though because I have never actually had one but he has such a large member that I actually gagged for the first time.

I will say, I told him a while back that I love when he will ask me to suck his dick. The way he says it makes it even sexier to me and I like knowing he wants it that much. Well, last night he told me he wanted me to ask him. And it was the sexiest thing, when I asked him, “Please, may I suck your cock sir?” his eyes rolled back and I felt his dick pulse. It was amazing. During the second round for him I positioned myself in a few different ways as to try and better deep throat him. Which it drives him crazy when I do that and it leads him to getting more forceful with me. He’s always pulling my hair back and holding it for me while I’m…servicing him.

After the second time I was laying next to him and I said something along the lines of I’m glad you enjoyed yourself. He then tells me that me doing that is his favorite thing…ever. I tell him he doesn’t have to lie to me, but he grabs my face and tells me I need to just believe him. Then he kisses me. I swear, I could easily have an orgasm just from kissing him.

I always feel like I talk about the sexual side of things with us and I’m sure that’s true, but the conversations we have are always amazing. And then when we are lying together and he just touches me with these sweet caresses and will kiss my hair or squeeze me a little tighter. These moments really make me think he actually cares for me. But I really think he’s afraid to admit that to both himself and me, because once feelings are legitimately involved I think that’s when things get more confusing.

He already shows some signs of jealousy in certain aspects, and I do the same thing. I never admit or reveal mine but I know they are there. We haven’t talked today but I expected that, I’m sure I will hear from him soon. I don’t know why he doesn’t seem to grasp that I don’t like to just message him first but oh well.

Is it bad that I already am longing to kiss him? Or even just be next to him? It’s like an ache I feel sometimes, maybe it’s just because we had just seen each other and that emotion is still there.

God, I have to get things figured out and fast.

 

Just Stay With Me

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I apologize for the delay in my postings, my company’s IT department is being finicky and I’ve had problems accessing my blog! And it’s nearly impossible for me to do this from home unless the boyfriend isn’t around. Now let me think of where I left off…

After the rendezvous in my previous post, which was on a Wednesday, and we had continued talking to each other during the week. On Friday, we were texting each other back and forth. Just being super flirty and what not. Somehow we got on the topic of rating each other, I think I had said , jokingly, if he wasn’t such a good conservationist I probably wouldn’t be that interested  in him. He rated himself a 7-7.5/10 and said that number isn’t the reason I talk to him. I had told him I rated him higher and he didn’t believe. Then we were talking about the rating system and how 10s are hard to come by but that 9s are model worthy. He then tells me I’m more than able to be a paid model (I use to do some modeling before but pursued school to get my degree). He then rates me as a 9/10 which blows my mind. After this discussion I change the subject to what he was doing, which was watching a particular show.

The next day we talk pretty much all day. He found some of my portfolio pictures on my Facebook and asked if there were anymore to see. I sent him some that aren’t on there and he just about lost it. He was telling me he really like how my hair was done for one shoot and how if I showed up at his house like that he’d have a hard time restraining himself. Well as the day progresses we talk back and forth. Sending each other funny pictures and such as well. This is the most we had talked to each other since November.

That Saturday the boyfriend and I got into an argument so I decided to go see my parents and I ended up staying at their house for the night. We had some family over and they were joking with me betting I couldn’t still fit into my old cheerleading uniforms. I put on one of my favorite ones and took pictures and sent them to the Russian. He said he liked my vanity and thought one of my bracelets was a collar (which is weird). And of course he liked the outfit. We got to talking and I had asked why I would bring collars to my parent’s house, his response:

Him: “I should have assumed you were there but I never looked passed you to see you were on the second floor of whichecer place you were at. My eyes hit the mirror and you and seemed to stop there.”

The conversation continues until we both pass out.

Then it continues on Sunday when he wakes up. We start talking about family and things like that. After a few hours later he reveals he is watching “The Godfather” and asks if I had ever seen it.  We then get into a debate about movies and shows; I’m shocked he’s never seen that movie and some other classics. Eventually I start the drive back from my parent’s home back to my town. When I tell the Russian this he asks if I’d be able to make a pit stop to see him. I was pretty much in some pajamas since my stay with my parents was pretty impromptu and I told him this. So I go over to his house, he had just gotten out of the shower. This was the first time he had ever seen me fresh out of a shower with no make up on so I was a little nervous. He hadn’t eaten yet so we left to get food. As we got, he ate while I watched tv and talked to me.

After he finished eating he laid on the couch with me and had me lay on his chest. As usual, we started kissing but kept it fairly controlled. I’ve noticed he really likes just to be kissed on, like his face, neck and places like that. So I’d occasionally kiss him like that. Well eventually one thing leads to another and I am on top of him while we kiss. He keeps his hand on the outside of my pants but rubs my clit, which he knows drives me wild. He does this and at first I was trying not to have an orgasm but he quietly tells me, “Come for me,” and I do that. It’s the first time I had actually let myself do that with him in a while. I, of course, return the favor and give him a blow job. There is something about doing that to him that drives me crazy, I’ve always really enjoyed giving BJs but with him it’s like I can’t get enough.

Unfortunately I had to leave shortly after all this in order for nothing to seem suspicious. I get back to the house and we text for a little while.

One thing I’ve noticed with the Russian is after we’ve been together he gets shy or something for a day or so. The next day, we didn’t talk until later that afternoon. It’s as if he feels weird afterwards or waits for me to talk to him. And I’m old fashioned and pretty stubborn so I normally won’t say anything. The next day, Tuesday, we were off from work and I literally didn’t hear from him till later that afternoon but we talk normal. The next day, which was Wednesday, has become I guess our usual hang out nights. Well I didn’t hear anything from him but sent him a text about how slow the day was going and he joked around with me about it and that was it…until later.

Him: “Totally forgot today was Wednesday…”

Me: “Oh did you?”

Him: “You didn’t”

Me: “I’m well aware of what day it is lol”

Him: “I didn’t get the hint when you texted at 3:30. I was stupid busy and went straight from work to get a massage after work”

Me: “Lol I just figured you were busy and had plans”

Him: “I just got home”

I then asked him how his massage went and all that. I then make a comment and say it’s his own fault he’s home alone.

Him: “You could’ve reminded me snob!”

Me: “Snob? That’s not nice. And I honestly didn’t think you wanted to so I didn’t mention it lol”

Him: “That’s not the case at all.”

Me: “Well not to sound too forward but if you don’t have plans I can probably hang out tomorrow.”

Him: “You need to get your own place!  ____ and I are both off Friday so we’re gonna either grill and drink or go to ______ or something and eat.”

I then tell him that I know that and I have plans to go look at houses the next week. So we start a discussion about houses, location and what I’m looking for. And then after we talk for a little while longer we both go the sleep.

The next afternoon he tells me he thought he saw me in the hallway so he decided to make a funny face but it wasn’t me it was another woman in the office. She kind of has the same hair color as me and is tallish. He was asking if other people confused us and I said a few have but she is married. When I mentioned I notice wedding rings on people he made a comment and I asked what he meant:

Him: “Because rings mean you can fool around and the won’t tell on you?”

Me: “Uh no lol I think once you’re at that level of a relationship of being engaged or married you shouldn’t feel the need to fool around at all. Of course, the doesn’t stop people but still.”

Him: “Good answer”

Me: “That’s not something you mess around with in my book.”

Him: “Agreed. Most people agree and cheat too though”

Me: “That’s just not my thing, once you’re committed like that you need to be open and honest if something is wrong. Worst case scenario you can go to therapy and work that shit out.”

Him: “Or even worse divorce…but don’t cheat”

Me: “Yeah if you’re at that point in the relationship just separate and divorce. But that’s like the very worst thing. I never want to go through a divorce.”

Him: “Me either coming from that”

Me: “Yeah me too.”

There are moments during our conversations that I feel he is trying to scope me out and see how I respond to things. Now I know I have other readers who currently are in affairs and I don’t judge you…look what I’m doing! That’s just my views on marriage, because I see my mom and stepdad’s marriage and I aspire to that greatly. I’d never want to cheat on my spouse or vice versa. I just wanted to clear that up! 🙂

 

 

Since that was Thursday night and I knew he would be out I didn’t really want to bother him with texting so I didn’t reach out to him. He did how ever text me much later that night.

Him: “Sup _____”

That was at 1 a.m. and he used a pretty derogative word knowing it would crack me up but I won’t share it here.

Him: “Really…”  He sent that at 2:15 a.m.

He knows I’m normally a night owl but I had taken some sleep aid so I could catch up on my sleep. I told him this when I woke up that morning.

We ended up talking throughout the day and quoting movies to each other. He eventually asks what my plans were for the night and I at that time didn’t have any. I asked him and he said he planned on being home since his friends were getting married the next ngiht. I asked if he wanted company and he said yes. Now this will be our first Friday hangout, either in a long time or even ever.

I was able to go over there on a Friday and we proceeded to hangout. When I got there it was about 6:45 p.m. and he was making drinks for us. I go inside and we decide on a movie we had talked about earlier.

The movie starts and we’re just drinking and laughing like we normally do. As it gets to certain parts we would say them at the same time and things like that. He always points that out to me, I’m pretty oblivious to it actually. Well as usual we start kissing each other and things progress. He ends up pulling me onto his lap and starts to play with my clit and causing me to have several orgasms; I of course return the favor to him. After this part he makes us more drinks and we talk about movies and what we will watch next. He gets one that I hadn’t seen before and we start watching it.

If things get sporadic, bear with me, I had been drinking that night. Well, I didn’t have a set curfew and the boyfriend didn’t seem that interested in where I was going or where I was so I barely heard from him.

During the second movie I am interested in it and we watch it seriously for a little while. Then things just kind of get crazy. We were playing with each other and I tried to tickle him again, he pulls me over his lap and proceeds to slap my ass. Now, I will say I love that. I’ve always enjoyed that and some hair pulling. Both of these facts he knows. So he proceeds to play with me and slapping my ass…quite hard too. To the point I’m on the verge of having another orgasm, he pulls my hair and slaps my ass a few more times until I come. I then get out of his lap and kneel in front of him to give him a blow job. As I’m mid BJ he’s telling me how pretty I look doing that, etc. And then he stops me and pulls me on top of him saying, “Come here to me” and lays me down on him. To which we fall asleep like that, his arms wrapped around me and me curled up on him. Eventually we get up and he takes me to his bed.

This is where things get interesting. He takes his pants off and pulls my shirt off (the bra has long been removed at this point). He puts me on top of him where I proceed to grind on him as if we were having sex. He’s touching me all over, but I still don’t let him into my pants. So we roll around on the bed together, touching each other and kissing. At one point though, he proceeds to pull my pants down and puts his dick in my pants. I believe I literally said, “Whoa!” and he said the usual, “I’m not going to try and fuck you, I just want to feel you near me.” And I told him he needs to not do that because it’s just teasing the both of us.

Eventually, I’m laying on my side and he’s behind me cuddling me. And of course, we end up falling asleep together. I don’t wake up until he squeezes my arm and asks me what time it is. That’s when I realize it is 3:30 in the morning. I check my phone and the boyfriend texted me only once. So I gather all my stuff and get ready to leave. He hugs me and kisses me goodnight, telling me he doesn’t want me to leave but to be careful.

I get home and the boyfriend is passed out asleep. I get into bed and go to sleep. I wake up in the morning after the boyfriend has left that morning. And thankfully I did wait, because the Russian left bruises in the shape of a hand on my right ass cheek!!

Now we fast forward through the day, and as usual he doesn’t really talk to me the next day which I’m fine with. But he texts me late that night after the wedding and in his usual fashion he tells me he’s “waiting on me” and causes me to think.

The next we talk some but it isn’t a whole lot. I did inform him he left a mark on me and he seemed fairly pleased with himself over that fact (men). During this week we’ve talked more and when Wednesday came along he told me he was going to have dinner with his dad that night. I was fine with that and even told him it was okay with me.

Later that night he tells me he wished he would have cancelled dinner so he could have spent time with me…this definitely caught me off guard.

And tonight I will be seeing the Russian again and I’m sure it’ll be an interesting night again. Is it bad that I can’t wait just to see him? And that I can’t wait to smell him and feel his arms around me.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m officially in trouble.

In Case You Ever Foolishly Forget, I’m Never Not Thinking of You

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Well the Russian and I had yet another rendezvous last night. It wasn’t a well planned one as we decided to hang out a few hours in advance. When I got there I guess I was a little awkward…but then I should back up and explain why.

During the earlier part in the week we were talking about whatever, I think about an injury he is dealing with, and I was showing sympathy towards him about it. He then made a comment implying he’s got a girl a day that can baby him if he needs it. I thinking he was joking so I said “Oh congratulations” and he said “You were the last one to come” and to this I glared at him (emoji) which led to this conversation:

Him: “What?”

Me: “Oh don’t what me”

Him: “One…I’m being truthful. Two…you live with a guy…Three so don’t squint at me!”

I think I said “What the fuck?!” out loud at that point. I mean, I’m not an idiot; he is a single guy and can do whatever the hell he wants but just to so blatantly say that shocked me. I just played it off as whatever and didn’t really respond to him. So he goes on to try and joke with me that I’m late for my appointment to “tata” him since he’s hurt. We joke about this and move on.

As the night wears on he starts to actually ask me questions about myself that are kind of in depth. The first one being if I felt bad about seeing him. Now, I should explain that at first I felt like shit. Literal shit. I had problems sleeping, eating and just relaxing. I’m still a gigantic ball of anxiety because of what is happening. Add in the fact I have never cheated before and don’t even know how to keep a secret like this to myself. Well I explained to the Russian that it weighs a lot on my conscience and that I don’t feel bad anymore which is weird for me since I didn’t think it would ever go away.

He then asked me if I was being completely honest about never cheating before, to which I told him yes. I tell him that I’m not good at hiding stuff, which is very true. I’m the one who (before this) had no problem letting anyone go through my phone, social media sites or anything. I don’t hide stuff. He then brought up the fact I seem calm when he has called while we were together. I told him that after years of practice with my mom I can control my tone of voice over the phone, but in face to face situations I just can’t lie. I physically make it obvious. But, back to the phone, I told him if I didn’t watch my tone my voice would get shaky and weird.

I was curious about these questions because I’ve often wondered how a relationship with him would progress (if it even did) considering the circumstances. I would be afraid he’d have trust issues with me, which would be expected I mean, look at this situation. I feel I’d have to reassure him for a long time I wasn’t “messing around” with anyone. My nature is to only have eyes for the person I’m with, I literally don’t see other men when I’m with someone else. But somehow, I saw him.

Well the discussion continues with him asking me questions about my past and things like that. Somehow the conversation got to yelling in arguments and I told him I don’t do yelling. If you yell at me I literally just shut down and leave. I explained this to him and he agreed with me that he doesn’t like yelling or tolerate it. That’s all cool and fine. So now I can fast forward to last night.

I guess I was giving off a weird body language to him. I did have a wall up when I first got there, after how the conversation went Monday I just felt the need to be that way. Not in a mean way, just not be super sweet. He apparently caught on to this quickly. He asked if I was mad at him or something, I laughed and said “No, if I was mad you would know” and he said he thought I didn’t yell, to which I replied there are more ways to show you’re mad than yelling.

Well we put the movie in and cuddle on his couch. The movie was okay, I wasn’t super impressed with it. Well we were drinking and talking during it which was really nice. Then he starts playing with my hands and hair. We get slightly frisky and have a fairly steamy kissing session. At that point he gets up to fix us more drinks and we adjust our seating arrangements. This time, I am like I was the last time, my back laying against his chest and he’s kind of seated up. Well he then sits me up to remove my bra, because, “It’s getting in the way.” So I lay back and he continues to play with my hair and hands. I instinctively reach up with my left arm and wrap my arm around his head. I play with his hair, massage his neck and touch on his face. I didn’t realize what I was doing till I could feel him hugging me tighter at certain times and then I slowed down with that. But he would kiss my head and just rub me. Well the movie started getting a little slow and we got friskier.

I seductively started sucking on his finger and slowly I started doing it more. This lead to him groping my breasts more, which caused him to realize how sensitive they are and he kept on with that. He did a few times try to sneak his hand down my pants. And he knows I usually resist that, only because that to me is personal and since I had finally let him not only touch me there before but also fuck me, I’m much more cautious now.

So he, for lack of a better word, rubbed my clit through my pants. Which ended with me coming and having an extremely hard time keeping my resistance up. Well we calm down a little after that to watch the movie some more. It was getting closer to the end and we were mainly cracking jokes about it and not paying much attention. Well we started kissing again, I know I’ve said it before but the Russian is an amazing kisser.

Well things progressed further to the point I’m on top on him and unbuttoning his pants. He knows how much I like to be asked to suck his dick and he proceeds to ask. And that begins. I’ve always enjoyed performing this activity with my previous boyfriends and I find myself enjoying it even more with him. He plays with my hair and tells me how he’s feeling and is very responsive to what I’m doing. Well this continues on till he finishes, after which he pulls me up to him and kisses me. Then he lays me beside him while he rubs my back. Well he end up just laying there talking to each other, me topless and him with no bottoms. I then go back and forth between playing with his member and touching his face with my other hand. We get friskier and I teased him with another blow job but stopped. We talk dirty to each other and he tells me how much of a turn on I am. Well once we finally come to terms that I need to leave I stand to get dressed and he bends me over the couch to play with my ass and pretty much tease himself and me. Once we finally get dressed and I’m walking to leave he’s hugging me harder and kissing me more, saying he wished I didn’t have to go. And I agreed with him. I then drive home much later than I should have been. I get to my house and let the boyfriend know I’m home. I text the Russian and tell him I’m home. I passed out but this morning I saw he sent, “Thanks for letting me know, sweet dreams :)”

So that was my night, and all I can think of is I can’t wait to see him again. I had tried Sunday to talk with the boyfriend about how I had been feeling and what I wanted. It did not go as expected. I’m pretty terrible at expressing my real feelings and what I want. The discussion gets to the living situation and he states that if we lived separately than he wouldn’t want us to continue seeing each other. And I can understand that but at the same time, I’m afraid to let the relationship go because of my fear of being alone. So now I’m just torn on what to do. The Russian I know isn’t going to wait forever, even if he is actually wanting to be with me. But what happens if I leave my boyfriend and just feel immediate regret? I’m on the verge of calling a medium or psychic who will charge me for advice.

Oh well. Until next time dear readers!

What a Tangled Web We Weave

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Much to my surprise after our midweek rendezvous I heard from the Russian a lot over the weekend. Friday we didn’t really talk that much, he sent me a text about a picture I posted and we had a little conversation. The boyfriend had decided to go out Friday night and I wanted to stay in. Well I was up and at 1:30 I got a text from the Russian.

 

Him: “Yo”

Me: “Yo”

Him: “Sip”

Him: “Sup lol”

Me: “Just watching tv lol you?”

Him: “Hoping you were out”

Me: “Not tonight why?”

Him: “Maybe I like ya”

Me: “Lol just a maybe?”

Him: “I shouldn’t but I do”

At this point I’m in a stage of shock. Because this is the Russian I remember, he would tell me he missed me, liked me or cared for me but he hasn’t in so long. So the conversation continues.

Him: “The bar sucked….was hoping you were somewhere”

Me: “Did it? I thought about going tonight”

Him: “Wish you woulda”

Me: “Maybe I do too”

Him:”??”

Me: “Wish I would have gone”

Him: “No I understood, Maybe though? I was there…lol”

Me: “Lol I know you were there and maybe a little more than maybe ;)”

 

He then sent me a random quote and were talking about that for a little bit. I then asked him where he was.

Him: “_______ lol”

Me: “Haha having it your way huh?”

Him: “Almost”

Him: “You’d be in the passenger seat if I had it my way”

Me: “Mmm is that right?”

Him: “Yep”

Me: “Lol good to know, since you kinda like me”

Him: “Maybe but I know I shouldn’t”

Me: “Why do you say you shouldn’t?”

Him: “It’s pretty obvious lol”

Him: “Right?”

Me: “Kind of I guess lol”

Him: “You tell me”

Me: “You’re the one saying you shouldn’t not me lol”

Him: “Well no matter how dumb I may feel…you see who I’m texting”

Me: “If it makes you feel less dumb…I like that it’s me you’re texting”

Him: “Maybe slightly”

Me: “Just a little bit?”

Him: “Some”

Me: “Good :)”

 

The conversation continued with us talking about what I was reading and stuff with his family that was going on. Then it got interesting again.

Him: “Why did I wanna hang out with you again woman? Lol”

Me: “Uh I have no idea lol”

Him: “Oh lol”

Me: “Why did you want to hang out with me again? Lol”

Him: “That was my question”

Me: “Yeah well I’m asking now lol”

Him: “I enjoy hanging out with you. Had a really good time the other day even before the end of the night”

Me: “Well good I’m glad 🙂 And I had a good time too, you’re not too bad to hang out with ;)”

 

Then he was joking about me being awake this late at night which then led to a discussion about my relationship. Those are always harder for me to talk about with him because I don’t want to give him every detail. At the same time, I wonder if he’s taking notes on what not to do with me.

He then passes out, we had been talking for about three hours and it was now past 4 am. I heard from him the next day but just a little. He then asked me what I was doing that night which I said I hadn’t made any plans yet. He tells me he’s hanging out with a guy friend and drinking. He then tells me he was getting phone calls from a blocked number and asked if it could be my boyfriend. Which I knew it wasn’t because he was sitting next to me at the time. I made a joke about someone stalking him and his response was that he hopes she’s cute. I said something along the lines of “Haha good luck with that” and he sent back “Lol kiiiiidding” I just told him I know with a smiley face.

I went on to tell him that where I was at was incredibly boring and he was surprised I was bored. When he told me what he was doing it sounded more fun to me. I love when I can just hang out and drink, watch movies or relax. I don’t mind bars but they get old after a while. Well I told him this and he said:

Him: “I thought you were unhappy cause you were bored…..wouldn’t being out at bars be more thrilling than movies and drinks!”

Me: “Not necessarily lol. Movies and drinks can be much more fun than a bar sometimes!”

Him: “What do you mean like Wednesday?”

Me: “Lol yeah like Wednesday”

Him: “:)))”

Me: (I sent a smiling/blushing emoji)

Him: “What are you doin talking to me”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Him: “Out with people and the boyfriend talking to the boring old man”

Me: “Well maybe I kinda like ya”

Him: “Oh yeah?”

Me: “Maybe”

Him: (He sends me our glare face emoji)

Me: “;) Don’t you glare!”

Him: “Why should I?”

Me: “Number one, because I said so. And number two, there no reason to glare.”

Him: “So which one matters?”

Me: “Well they both matter lol but you have no reason to glare”

Him: “Maybe”

Me: “Oh don’t maybe me!”

Him: “You did first”

Me: “You know I’m playing!!

Him: “I wish you were playing with something else”

Me: “You and me both”

Him: “Oh yea?”

Me: “Definitely”

Him: “What would that be?”

Me: “You know what I’m talking about”

Him: “??”

Me: “Don’t play dumb old man!”

We then get into a banter of exchanging movie quotes with each other, but it seems so natural and just flows easily. The next day we didn’t really talk. I was busy around my house and I’m not sure what he was doing. But we ended up talking later that night. Some how it got brought up that I could have texted him earlier and we wouldn’t be talking so late at night. I explained to him that it goes both ways and that I’m a little old fashioned in that sense. He explained to me that he doesn’t want to try and text me at a bad time. I told him if it wasn’t a good time I’d just not text back right away or tell him.

I’m so torn on what to do. Because lately the boyfriend has been talking more about “us” doing updates to our current house and things in our future. I don’t really respond to those statements, I literally feel myself pulling away from him and I don’t know what to do. I look at him and just think how is it that just a year ago I couldn’t imagine life without him. I would have done anything for him to act towards me then as he does now, but for some reason I don’t feel the same way anymore and that hurts. I want to talk to my mum about it but she will be so upset I met with the Russian again. She’s protective of me and doesn’t like that he hurt me a month and a half ago.

I just think to myself, if and when, (because it has to happen) the boyfriend and I end things will the Russian still be there? And if so, what then? I can’t ask him these kinds of things at all. We haven’t even talked about seeing each other again. And I won’t bring that up unless he does. And I want to see him again, badly. His company is so great and he makes me laugh every time I’m around him.

In other words, I’m royally fucked. Until next time!