Sick, Twisted and Toxic.


I’m not even sure what to say at this point. I’m in such a sick, twisted and toxic situation but I know what I need to do. It’s doing it that I’m so afraid of and I don’t know why.

The Russian, as far as I know, didn’t go through with cheating on me but he heavily considered it. He doesn’t know that I’m fully aware of those details but I know. That Friday/early Saturday when I made that post was the downfall of the relationship. That Saturday he came over so we could talk like adults. Since our texting conversation the night before was not a good one at all.

He apologized for the things he said and how things escalated. We sat in my kitchen to talk. How it ended? Him saying that maybe at this time being boyfriend/girlfriend isn’t working right now. That he loves me and cares for me but doesn’t know if he is in love with me. Great, we are right back here again. Obviously. So I asked him what it was he wanted, and in typical fashion, he said friends or even friends with benefits. This literally feels like August of last year when we broke up. And then for three months he dragged me along in this limbo until I couldn’t take it anymore.

I can tell things are starting to be how they were, because in my moments of weakness I allow him to see me. And of course, we sleep together. Over the weekend he spent the night and we got extremely drunk together. He said some things that really confused me but I know I can’t do this all over again. I just don’t have it in me anymore.

Hell, he will only text me when he wants to see me. Which is exactly what he did before when we first broke up. He slowly worked his way in. And every time after I see him I take like 12 steps back and get sad again. I love him and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him, but this I cannot keep doing.

I have a feeling he will want to see me tonight. As it is the finale of a show we had been watching together. And if he does, I’ll let him come over. We can watch the show but afterwards we won’t have sex. I’m going to tell him I can’t be his “FWB” and I can’t keep doing this. I’ll tell him that even though I love him more than anyone or anything, I have to love myself and allowing myself to be in this situation is not loving myself. I deserve more than that and if he isn’t willing to give me that then we have to stop.

I can’t get over him if he still comes around and gets into my head that things will get better or change. Because that’s what happened last year and those months were so hard for me. I really think he has some serious commitment and emotional issues he either isn’t aware of or wants to deal with. In one month, barely, he went from being so loving and caring, telling me how much he loved me and missed me, how happy he was we got back together. To being the Russian I did not like, with his unavailability emotionally, picking fights, pointing out anything I do wrong, etc.

Once we have this discussion and he’s aware of it, I will be doing what is called the “No Contact Rule” from here on out. I don’t know what will happen: will things change with him, will I finally get peace and be able to just move on, will he realize he’s made a huge mistake and try to win me back, or will he just move onto the next one?

A sick part of me want’s him to realize he made this huge mistake and want me back. How awful is that? After everything he’s put me through, since the very beginning I would still want him. Why? I’m so confused at this point. Ugh.


Feelings and What? Pt. Two


I didn’t text him or anything when I got home. I just did things around my house and tried to keep myself busy. Well, surprise surprise, he started to text me. He was asking about my interview the next day and if I planned on doing a half day for work. I definitely got the feeling he was digging for me to keep the conversation with him. I wasn’t putting a ton of effort in my responses back.

Him: “Ted (creep from work) asked me, ‘How did you convince (me) to go out with the lowly likes of you lol’”

Me: “Seriously? What a creep.”

Him: “I didn’t answer…he put lol but still”

Me: “That’s just rude, he’s probably jealous you didn’t ask him out lol”

Him: “Gross…disturbing”

Me: “I know lol it still is so rude he even said that”

Thinking back to that it makes me wonder if maybe this “Ted” guy and his comment made the Russian stop to think about things. Ted had asked me out a few times before, when I had just ended my relationship, but I was never interested. He is the definition of creepy. I had told the Russian about him so he knows about him; it was funny to us because he works for the company we worked for.

Well, we talked basically that entire night. He was flirty with me and kept the conversation going himself. Well, I had my interview the next day and it went really, really well. He made sure to text me an hour or so after it to ask me how it went. We talked for a little bit and the conversation ended.

That was until he asked me out for a date that night. I was pretty surprised he wanted to see me, but it was nice he wanted us to go on an actual date. He told me the plans were for dinner and a movie that night. When he came over it was still fairly early, we decided on a later movie so we could eat beforehand and not be rushed. When I opened the door for him he instantly went in for a hug, I returned one but kept my butt poked out. As usual he put his hand on my lower back and pushed me against him. We had one drink before we left and sat at my kitchen table to just talk. He told me I looked extremely hot, which was the point, then when we saw the time we both agreed it was time to go. He grabbed my jacket and helped me put it on, which was a first for him to do. Of course, after he put it on me he slapped my ass.

He opened my doors, car and buildings, for everywhere we went. On the way to the restaurant he told me he was glad I had wanted to see him, especially with him being weird right now but that he really wanted to see me. When we got to the restaurant we were seated pretty quickly. He knows what I like to eat so he ordered an appetizer for us and then ordered our meal. We both agreed we’d want popcorn at the theater so we shared an entrée, plus I don’t eat large portions and he knows this. Over dinner we talked about all kinds of topics, it felt a lot like a date. It was nice to have that moment and kind of refocused everything. When he walked us to the truck he of course opened my door and once again, slapped my ass. So much for backing off the physical things huh?

After dinner we still had about 40 minutes till the movie, the theater is across the city so we took a long way to the theater and just listened to music together while playing with each other. It was really nice to have him flirting with me again and make me feel just genuinely wanted. He made me promise him I wouldn’t let him eat all the popcorn once we got into the movie, because we both tend to start really snacking if we have to wait a while before it starts. Once we were seated for the movie I put the popcorn on the other side of me so it was out of his reach. The theater actually filled up pretty quickly to our surprise. The movie itself was a very good one, we both really enjoyed it. During the movie he would put his hand on my knee and stroke it, he’d also fidget some until I would touch his hand or his arm. Of course, I was wearing tights so he hand to move his hand every now and then because it got hot pretty quickly.

The movie ended fairly late but he wanted to come inside my house afterwards. I wasn’t sure what to say but I let him in and I proceeded to sit on one side of the couch with my legs tucked under me but turned away from him. He sat beside me, turned the tv and we just talked for a while. Eventually he laid his head in my lap like he use to do, this time however I did not instantly rub his head or touch him. This I’m pretty sure bothered him because he’d reach up to touch me. Eventually he made me lay across his chest but still was able to keep his head in my lap. I laid like that but didn’t touch him or anything. Even though he was extremely hard and made sure to…make it move because he knows I like that. He was pretty persistent with touching me and being a little frisky but I kept telling him no and pushing his hand away. Eventually I’m sitting on top of him as we continue this game of cat and mouse. He got my bra off but I remained fully clothed. Well, as I’m sitting there we actually just joke and play together. He makes me play the airplane game with him, where I balance my stomach on his feet, and then a bunch of other different ways. It was actually fun for me and really reminded me of the old Russian. Well as he brings me back to sitting on his lap he pulls me down to him and proceeds to really kiss me.


He hasn’t just kissed me or made out with me in a long time so this was a big weakness for me. We kissed for a rather long time which was just amazing. At some point I sit myself up and he then proceeds to touch my breasts under my shirt, then he proceeds to suck on them. Well after a few seconds I regain my strength and lean back. He grabs my legs and puts my feet on his chest. Somehow I accidently hit his member and I immediately touched it and told him I was sorry. It didn’t hurt him because he was harder than a rock. Well he then asks me if I’d kiss it better. I get quiet and kind of look away.

Me: “You told me you didn’t want to do this anymore, I’m trying to respect your wishes.”

Him: “I know what I said and I probably shouldn’t have said all that. It isn’t that I don’t want you, I can’t help myself when you’re near me.”

Him: “I’ve had a really great time tonight so far, it’s been so much fun.”

Me: “I completely agree. Tonight really reminded me of the old you and I really liked it.”

I probably forgot to mention that he’s been getting deeper into his religion and has been reading about pre-marital sex and that’s a big reason why he wanted to take a big step back from the sexual things. Which I agreed with and said okay to doing because I felt it was important to further this relationship.

I told him that by him being this was really confused me because I want to do the date nights and then have nights together like this too. But I was trying to respect his wishes and not be all about the physical things. I asked him if the only reason he wanted me around was for this (hooking up). He got pretty upset and said no, that it isn’t even remotely true. I do believe him because we have many moments when we don’t do sexual things but it just throws me off when he’s like that.

Well we stop but then something happens and I basically tease him by sucking on his finger in a pretty provocative way. Well I do this for a few minutes, watching his mouth open slightly as his eyes closed and rolled up. Finally he yanked his hand away from me, stood up to go to my kitchen for gum, then came back and stood in front of me. He pulled me up and wrapped my arms around his shoulders as he walked us into my room. He shut the door a little then pulled me against him and started to kiss me again. He took my shirt off and I started to touch him. That’s the hardest he’s been in a long time, almost painfully hard. Just me touching him through his jeans made his body start to almost convulse instinctively. I slowly made my way to just touching him through his jeans and he continued to kiss me and grab my chest. He did try to touch me but I kept resisting him and telling him no. He was extremely persistent and didn’t like me telling him no. Finally I had him standing by my bed naked and me still partially clothed. He asked me if I’d suck his cock and well, we all know I can’t resist when he asks me like that. Plus, I adore this man and adore his cock. I kneeled down in front of him and slowly wrapped my lips around his head, just to tease him. I felt his whole body just relax as he moaned.

He grabbed my hair in his hands and let me stay kneeling for a little while. Then he pulled us up to the bed so we would be more comfortable. He took my high waist shorts off so I was just in my tights while sucking him. After a while he pulled me up to face him and he grinded himself against me while I was in the tights. He loved the fabric, it was something he hadn’t experience before and I’d say he liked the way it felt. Somehow he slid himself into my tights and proceeded to grind himself against the outside of my entrance, no penetration at this point. It feels great and he moans as he says, “God, you’re so wet and I haven’t touched you yet.”

After we do that for a little while I move back down to continue giving him a BJ. As I said before I can now deep throat him and he’s starting to be able to thrust a few times while I’m doing that. It’s still taking some practice but I’m getting there, as I told him we would. He moves on the bed and pulls me back up to do what we had been doing. While doing that he slowly slides into me. I had to remove the tights after a while, sadly. We didn’t use a condom this time, of course we said we’d get one after just a second but everyone knows that doesn’t happen. We proceed to have pretty passionate sex. He’s touching me and being very responsive and vocal. He also directs me in a way he wants me to be on top of him, because of the amount of foreplay we had and the fact he had an erection for at least two hours he couldn’t hold back any longer. He told me before he came so I was able to move down and finish him with my mouth.

I wasn’t able to have an orgasm during the sex, I came close but it just didn’t happen. As I rolled off of him I distanced myself a little since I know how he is but he instantly grabbed me and pulled me close to him. He continued to play with me until I had three orgasms. When he finished he brought his fingers to my mouth and I proceeded to suck myself off of him. He did surprise me because he held me for a while afterwards. Rubbing my arm, side and playing with my hair while just holding me. He kissed my forehead and then went to rinse off. Neither one of us realized it was basically 4 am at this point so after he rinsed off and got dressed I put on some sweat pants and a tank top, we went to the living room for a little bit to talk and then I walked him out. We kissed and hugged good bye.

I had this feeling of worry and regret because after the week I had I promised myself no more sexual things with him. Especially since that is what he wanted. The next day I didn’t hear from him till later that night asking what I was up to.

Him: “Do you feel like hanging out with an old man?”

Me: “I don’t think I’d mind that, you want some company?”

Him: “Love some”

Him: “I’m planning to go to church in the morning if you wanna come too”

Me: “I’d like that a lot…should I bring stuff with me or will I be coming back to my house tonight?”

Him: “Just bring stuff”

So I went over there and we actually had a fun night together. We watched a movie and had a few drinks before going to bed. I wasn’t sexual with him and kept things from getting there. Well he had set an alarm for us and told me to make sure he was up at a certain time. He’s been having a major issue sleeping so when the alarm went off he woke me up and I sat up to start getting ready. That’s when he told me in the saddest voice that he got no sleep at all. So I sat back in the bed and then he just made me lay down. Well he was on his phone typing then handed it over to me:

Him: “I’ve been up since 5:30 and can’t fall back asleep…will you help me go to sleep?”

Me: “How can I help you fall asleep?”

Him: “BJ”

I let out a little groan and laugh then set his phone down, he grabbed it from me.

Him: “Please 😦 “

Me: “I guess I could help a little”

I did help him fall back asleep. He got a pretty hot BJ that lasted about 30 minutes. He also was very interested in touching my hair, face and breasts. After he came he held me for a little while and then we both passed out. Once we got up we spent a little more time together. Watching tv, talking and him showing some designs he had down for his business. After a few hours I left and went home.

He did text me later that night. This week he’s talked to me every day, and actually kept a conversation with me. Two days ago he asked if I wanted to go walking in his neighborhood and I of course did. We did several miles until it started to get colder and darker. We talked the entire time and he was very protective over me while walking. He kept moving me away from traffic and making sure I was safe from vehicles. After he asked if I wanted to go to his mom’s house and see what they were doing. So we went in there and I ate dinner with him and his mom. His sister had left after a little while but it was nice to feel included. After we ate, we all visited for a little while longer and then I got up to leave. His mom walked us out, hugged us both, and the Russian walked me to my car. We were playful and kissed goodbye a few times. Nothing physical happened, we just spent some time together. Once I got home he started texting me and asking me about my work schedule so he would know if we could go walking again this week.

Of course we talked basically all night. Yesterday we talked during the day and then he asked me to go walk with him again. We did and were probably even more playful. At one point, because it was chilly, he kept putting his cold hands on my neck and under my shirt so I tried to retaliate and we ended up chasing each other a few blocks. It was probably the most fun I’ve had in a long time with him, just being in that moment and honestly not caring who was watching or what we looked like. Well, after that we went back to his place to shower, change and then get some food. After I showered he was playing his video game so when he went to shower I continued playing. After his we talked about dinner, ordered food and waited to go pick it up he turned on a show he had been watching. I set up my Netflix account at his house and since he’s had trouble sleeping he’s been watching it late at night.

On the way to get dinner he told me that if for some reason he isn’t really playful or cheery with me later it’s because he’s just tired. I told him I appreciated him telling me that and if he didn’t really feel like having company I’d understand and it wouldn’t be a big deal. He said that wasn’t the case at all he just didn’t want me to get my feelings hurt if he wasn’t playful. Well, it turned out he was still pretty playful and in a good mood. After we ate we kept watching this show of his and talking. After a few episodes he asked me to make a drink and I was about to until he made me lay on the pillow in his lap. He started to really slap my ass, to prove a point after I gave him a hard time about not doing that very hard. Once he gave me three or four extremely hard slaps he then started to just play with my hair. It was fun because we basically goof off with each other and it isn’t weird. As usual, he did take my bra off. I jokingly tried to block one of my boobs from him and in the cutest voice he said, “Stop it, I just want to play.” So I let him continue with that. He did at one point try to get his hand down my pants but I wouldn’t let him touch me. He was very persistent and didn’t like me telling him no. He kept changing the name for it as a joke we do, but he wanted to just touch my clit. Well I kept my strength and didn’t let him. He once again had a massive erection and made sure I was aware of it in ways only he can do. He eventually laid down with his head by my feet and my head in his lap. He just rubbed and massaged my legs for a while and I proceeded to playfully poke him in his belly button. It’s weird but something I enjoy doing when he lets me.

In typical Russian fashion he put my hand directly onto him and said if I was going to fidget and play with something than it needed to be something useful. I didn’t really respond to the comment and didn’t move to instantly grab him. That got to him and he made another comment then unbuttoned his pants to free his member. I proceeded to lightly touch it but nothing more. He asked me if I saw something that happened on the show and I reminded him at the angle I was at I couldn’t see it. So he sat me up and tried to position me so he was basically lying between my thighs. I knew where that would lead so I moved and had him just lay in my lap. He laid me forward so I was lying across his stomach/chest. I continued to play with him using just my hands until he brought the head of his cock to my lips.

I don’t know if it was the angle, the fact all the lights were still on or because we were 100% sober but that particular BJ really rocked his world. At one point while I was sucking he asked if I still wanted a drink, I told him I did and he said he’d make one but he may have to take me with him. I figured that would probably a fun thing to try and do. So I nodded and kept doing what I was doing waiting for him to wiggle around and us move. Well, I must have changed pressure or a movement on him because not even 30 seconds later he was telling me he was coming, not the “I’m going to” he normally gives me, he literally just couldn’t stop it. After as he laid in my lap he told me he wasn’t sure what happened but I did something and it just couldn’t be helped. That was probably one of the quickest ones I had given him, long foreplay helps make him reach his orgasm easier. Which I don’t mind giving him long BJs but my jaw appreciated the break for once.

The rest of that night we had one drink, a rather strong one, and then continued watching this show and talking. When it was time for bed he actually slept in a normal position with me that he hasn’t done in a while. Typically for him to get comfy he’d lay the opposite direction of me. By that I mean his head are by my feet and his feet are by my head.  Well he actually slept next to me and I got to rub his head and scratch his back till it put us both to sleep. When I woke up this morning I was just excited he slept next to me like that all night that well, I rewarded him with another BJ. However, this one lasted an hour and a half. It was pretty intense and he could have come a lot sooner but when he asked if I was “ready for some cum” I shook my head no and slowed my pace. He groaned loudly and told me that I was the boss and for me to tell him when he could. I didn’t deep throat him as much because that makes him go pretty quickly.

After “torturing” him for a while longer I asked if he was ready to cum and he showed me that he was ready. After he held me for a little while and then I got up to start getting ready for work. He rolled over to my side of the bed, buried himself under the covers and said, “I’m so comfortable…going back to sleep now.” I got ready for work in his bathroom and when I finished I hated waking him up to tell him bye but he woke a little and told me he was dreaming. He hasn’t slept good in a while so I left quietly.

I will say I’m glad I resisted his advances for more than what we did, I should probably decline doing those as well but I enjoy it just as much. He’s more than likely still asleep so I’ll wait to hear from him.

And that’s my life up to today…literally. I was a little over an hour late to work but I’m leaving this job after next week and well, no one cared. Plus, it was so worth it.

If anyone has any thoughts they’d like to share or any suggestions/opinions on what’s been going on with the Russian feel free to share! I’ll say things are going in a good direction, but we will see what good ole V-Day holds for us. Wish me luck!

It Was a Beautiful Weekend…And Then, Shit.


If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times. Any time I take any steps forward with the Russian something comes along and drags everything back…

This weekend is the perfect example and I just don’t know what to do at this point. The Russian finally asked me to come over and have dinner with his mom and him then watch a movie. This is something they do often but he’s never asked me to come over before. So when he did I was so excited. And that wasn’t even it, he also finally asked me if I wanted to come along with his family for a day trip to see a cousin in another city. This was something he had brought up before but didn’t invite me and I told him that it made me a little sad. But I had never brought it  up since then and just left it alone. Well those two days went great.


I had a lot of fun just spending time with his family and him in a different environment than we normally are in. It made me actually feel like his girlfriend for once which was nice. Especially since I’ve just been feeling funny about this relationship for some reason. Equate it to my hormones being weird from a longer period or whatever but I can’t help those feelings.

Well, after we returned to town from the day trip we went back to the Russian’s house for drinks and some down time. It had been an exhausting day for the both of us. That night we had a small disagreement but got passed it and the night went on. I had been on my period all last week (literally from Saturday to Saturday) and hadn’t received any type of…satisfaction in a while. Well he must have felt bad about it so he thankfully gave me an orgasm (sadly, just one) with his hands. After he finished with me I leaned against him out of breath but still very much turned on. He then grabbed my hand and placed in on his hard cock. I slowly started to grasp it and slightly jerk him off. Basically I was just teasing him for a good amount of time. Eventually he pulled his shorts down more and tried to get me to start sucking on him. I teased him more by not letting him into my mouth, just licking him slowly or just putting the head of him into my mouth.


I did start giving him a full blow job. As I’ve said in another post I can finally deep throat him and he’s pretty much addicted to that which makes me feel really good about myself. He wants me to get to the point he can, well, I guess you’d say throat fuck me. Some moments he can do it a little before I feel the need to come back up and other times not at all. So that’s a continued work in progress. Also, it is hard to deep throat back to back for me, which is what he asks for sometimes but I can either do it two or three times or just once and need a break that I’ll focus on other things. After he came we just laid with each other for a little while and then turned the movie back on.

At some point in the night I developed a terrible migraine that I tried to make go away by laying in his lap with an ice pack. Eventually I just went and laid in bed to rest and wait for him. He came and laid down with me later and everything was fine. Or so I thought.

At around 4ish in the morning my dog gets up and he wakes up to check on her. He grabbed my phone for light, which is perfectly fine, then he sees her and come back to bed. I see him playing on his phone so I put my hand on his leg and say, “Can’t go back to sleep?” And he says, “Nope” so I take that as a sign to give him another BJ. I know it could help him sleep plus I was hoping we’d have sex for the first time in a while. Well he starts to get a little hard then I start to suck on him. And he isn’t getting hard at all, he would a little bit and then nothing. So I stopped and asked if he wanted me to keepgoing and he told me yes, I asked if he was sure and he again said yes. I started going at it again and as before, nothing was happening. So I stopped and sat up to look at him. He shines his phone in my face and asks, “Why are random guys calling you at 4 in the morning?” I literally had no idea what he was talking about. So I respond, “Uh I have no idea why anyone would call at 4 in the morning. Who called?” He tells me to check my phone. I do because at this point I’m beyond confused and I’m also curious as to who is calling me.

I look and it’s a guy I graduated high school with, who I dated back in middle school! Never even had a hook up with him or anything sexual. He is also in a very serious relationship and I didn’t even know he had my number. So I explain this to the Russian and it’s plainly obvious he just does not believe me, because, he claims this happened with his ex. Fuck me right? I tell him I have no idea why this guy called, obviously it was just a mistake and that if I had anything to hide I sure as shit wouldn’t leave my phone sitting face up without a lock on it for him to see. I even tell him he could easily go through my phone if he wanted to. It’s like a round and round thing we go, it’s pretty obvious he still doesn’t really believe so I just don’t know what to do. I tried to call the guy back but he didn’t answer.  I tell him that I haven’t seen, spoken to or shown any interest in any other guys since he came alone or since we became official. That I don’t want anyone else and I wouldn’t jeopardize something I worked hard for and risked a lot for to just end up leaving him. Well eventually he says we should just go to sleep because nothing will get accomplished this late at night.

I don’t really fall back asleep till 7:30 that morning, I stayed up reading on my phone until I got tired. I was just so upset at the thought he didn’t believe or trust me and that I might lose him over absolutely nothing. Well we didn’t get out of bed till almost 2 that afternoon. He got up to shower and all that so I got up, brushed my teeth and washed my face then waited for him to come back into the room. He comes back in and changes then sits on the couch with me. My dog goes to him and lays in his lap he instantly starts petting her and being playful with her. We pretty much sit there in this weird silence and I just don’t know what even to say. So eventually I ask him, “So are we going to talk about things or should I just leave?” He tells me he is completely exhausted because he couldn’t sleep good, apparently my dog was moving around a lot and kept waking him up.


Well we discussed it somewhat but nothing really got accomplished because I could tell he was too tired to really process anything. He told me he was going to go to either his mom or dad’s house that night then try and go to bed early. He asked what our (my dog and I) plans were and I just said go home and catch up on house stuff. I hadn’t been there since 6 pm Friday night.


Well before I left I told him I just wanted to ask one question before I left. “Are you going to want to end things?” And his response was a simple, “No, I don’t think so.” Well a few minutes after that I gathered all my stuff up, loaded my vehicle and put my pup in there with everything. He walked me to my car, opened the door and then we just stood there kind of awkwardly not knowing what to say or do. So he pulled me in for a hug, kissed my cheek and forehead then we kissed each other bye. He told me, “Well I had a really good weekend…well except for earlier.” I nodded my head and said I did too. I then just stood there and said, “Well I guess I’ll see you some other time then?” And he smile and said yeah.


That drive home was just terrible. I cried my eyes out and called my mom to tell her everything that had happened.  She knew it was ridiculous because once I told her who the guy was she actually laughed and couldn’t believe it. Mainly because this guy is about to get engaged and obviously madly in love with his girlfriend (who I have always really liked) he’s been with for a few years. AND I HAVEN’T SEEN HIM IN YEARS AND ONLY SPEAK TO HIM RARELY. I didn’t even know he had my number. She thinks I should be madder at him than anything but I don’t have it in me. I’m frustrated he didn’t give me the benefit of the doubt and jumped to the worst possible thing. I told my best friend him being that way makes me almost worried he may be doing something wrong if he gets that upset.

I finally got in touch with the guy who called me and got the answer I knew was right, here is that conversation:

Friend: “Hey (real name), sorry about calling you last night.”

Me: “Hey, why did you call me at 4 am last night?”

Friend: “I’m sorry, I was drunk and don’t think I meant to”

Me: “Okay, I wasn’t sure why. I figured it was just a mistake but wanted to make sure. Thanks.”

(I then thought to myself, I planned to show this to the Russian and should just get all my thoughts out there.)

Me: “I know it was an accident but I’d appreciate it if it didn’t happen again though. My boyfriend saw that you called and got really upset with me. I didn’t even have an answer for why you’d call, because I didn’t even know why. He means a lot to me and so does our relationship that I don’t want to jeopardize it over nothing.”

Friend: “It won’t happen again. I’m very sorry. I have been with (real name) for four and a half year. I promise it was nothing like that. Please pass my apologies along to your boyfriend.”

Me: “I will and I appreciate the apology. I knew it was just a mistake. I’m glad you and (real name) are doing good. I love you two as a couple and hope the best for you both!”

Friend: “Thank you. I wish you two the best too.”

I easily could have taken an uglier approach to it because I was super pissed about this situation but I grew up with this guy and his parents are friends with mine. I didn’t want to burn a bridge or have word get around I was a mean and bitchy person. Not like I am an angel or anything. Plus, I genuinely like the guy. We grew up together with the same group and he was one of the nicer ones to me in high school when I hit a rough time and his girlfriend is honestly the cutest and sweetest thing.

The Russian did text me later Sunday night:

Him: “Ever seen the frozen ground?”

Me: “No, I’ve never even heard of it”

An hour or so later:

Him: “It was really good”

Me: “What was it about?”

Him: “An Alaskan serial killer”

Him: “Based on a true story”

Me: “Hm it does sound interesting”

Him: “I’d give it 7.5-8”

Me: “Coming from you that’s impressive!”

And that was it, I have yet to hear anything from him since then and I know that’s his MO when he’s upset. So once that got squashed with my friend I plan to share this with the Russian whenever I see him in person, if that ever happens again. It’ll hopefully put his mind at ease when he sees that it was honestly a mistake and meant nothing. Hell, I have drunk dialed the wrong people before and didn’t remember it till they said something about it.


So yeah, that’s my life in a nutshell right now. What do you think, reader?

Did I handle things correctly? What would you have done in this situation? How should I approach things with the Russian when this is discussed again? Have you ever had this situation happen to you? Share your thoughts!


You Are Mine Part Two


Later that weekend he took me to a Christmas party that his dad was hosting. I have met his dad a few times previously so that made things easier in breaking the ice with the family. It was actually a fun night and I was really happy he finally brought me around some of his family.

That next week was of course the week of Christmas. I spent Sunday and Monday at his house. He spent Tuesday with me and then I stayed with him Christmas night and then Saturday night. Tuesday was a very interesting one to say the least. He came over after eating dinner with his mom and sister so we basically just sat on the couch drinking and talking.

At one point he went to the guest bathroom instead of mine, which he does every now and then, he comes back out and looks funny. He tells me he noticed there was a drop on the toilet seat lid. I looked at him and said, “Well that’s your bathroom basically and you’re the only guy ever in there.” I could tell he was letting bad memories come back and he was just saying he’s usually good at cleaning up after himself and seeing that made his heart drop. I touched his face and told him, “I can tell you the only other men in that bathroom were my dad, little brothers and my gay best friend. But he last came over the weekend I moved it.”

He shook his head and said I know it just was me letting myself think bad things. I reminded him that the last time he used that bathroom we got really drunk and he took his sleeping pill before using it. That was like a light bulb that went off and he remembered. I even told him I hadn’t been home that much and was with him every night last week. He has such strong insecurities and I know the way we started doesn’t help but progress gets made every day.

Now, I had been meaning to talk to him about Christmas and explain to him that I wasn’t expecting anything and he shouldn’t feel obligated to get me anything. Well he very convincingly said he wanted to get some chapstick out of his vehicle. I told him to not be ridiculous because it was cold out and I had some in my purse. He insists and goes outside.

He returns with two packages wrapped with bows on them. I look at him with a complete shocked facial expression. I immediately tell him, “Oh you did not have to get me anything!! I was just about to say something about it!” I had already gotten him a few things but wasn’t ready to give them to him.

He just smiles and tells me to come get them. I walk over to grab the packages and sit back on my couch. He sits next to me and before I open them I lean over and kiss him on the cheek. There were two boxes. A larger one and a smaller one, I start to open the smaller one since it was on top and looked like a DVD. He stops me and asks that I open that last. I open the first one and it was something he had made for me for my home. I love it and immediately set it up in my kitchen. I open the second one and notice it was a DVD about an activity he does that I’ve wanted to do but since buying the house I couldn’t really afford it at the moment.

Well, I thought he had just given me a DVD on scuba diving and what it all entails so I tell him thank you and kiss him. He looks confused and asks me if I really understand what it means. I tell him, “Yeah it’s a video on scuba diving duh.” He starts to laugh and says, “No pretty girl, that is just a part of your gift. I’m paying for your lessons to get certified. And I also have a gift card for all the necessities you need to start off with.”

I was completely shocked. This was such a wonderful and unexpected gift, especially since we hadn’t even discussed doing gifts at all. I know he spent a good deal of money on this so I was just speechless. I pretty much jumped in his lap and started cuddling him and kissing him all over. I told him thank you a million times that night and pretty much the entire week. He gave them to me early because he said he can’t hold onto gifts and he wasn’t sure when I’d want to do gifts. Needless to say it was a wonderful evening together. We talked a lot, drank more, cuddled on the couch and eventually went to bed.

That morning we woke up and in typical fashion we started slowly fooling around with each other. Unfortunately, I started my period that night so he made sure to take care of me but there was no sex. Lots of orgasms though, for the both of us. I gave him four or five BJs, I can’t exactly remember the number but it was amazing. Each one was more intense than the other and I couldn’t get enough of it. We basically circled the bed multiple times in different positions so he could touch me and so I was still able to suck him. I also successfully deep throated him multiple times, finally! It did cause my throat to hurt a little but it was so incredibly sexy. The moans he would make when I did it and the way he’d ask me to do it again and if I was okay. He was definitely caring during the entire process.


Afterwards we both just laid in my bed completely satisfied but happy. He left later that afternoon and I went to stay at my parent’s house for the night.

I came back home the night of Christmas and he asked to see me again. This time he brought me to meet more of his family and spend time with them. It was really great to meet his family and spend time with them and of course with him as well. I gave him his Christmas presents that night and he couldn’t resist giving me my birthday presents early. Mine is right after Christmas so he gave me my gifts that night. I was completely shocked he even did anything and I told him again he didn’t have to at all. He did very well and I was quite happy. I stayed the night and the next day he had some family stuff planned so I went home to relax and enjoy some of my gifts.

For my birthday he took me out for a really nice dinner and to see a new movie we both wanted to see. Because of my period I really just wasn’t in one of the best moods, I was feeling a little slighted by my family and he had made a joke about something I said that I took the wrong way. So I was a little tense when I first arrived at his house (we agreed I would meet him at his house since that’s where I wanted to stay for the night) and eventually I told him what was wrong and he apologized and I was fine. After dinner and the movie we went back to his house, had a drink, watched a little television and then went to sleep.

That morning though, man he definitely woke me up with a surprise. He had been having trouble sleeping so to help he switched ends of the bed. Meaning I was sleeping the normal way in a bed and he was opposite. His head down by my feet, I wasn’t exactly pleased with the arrangement but I knew he just needed sleep and did want me there. Well he rolled over at some point and started to just cuddle my legs. He’d rub them or just hug them closer to him. At some point he eventually got me turned over and lying on top of him with my legs spread in front of him. Since I was on the last day of my period he couldn’t do much but oh, what he did.

He started slowly, massaging my legs and then my ass. He would slowly rub the inside of my thighs and then work back on my ass. I would moan a little while he massaged me because it did feel really great. Eventually he started to slowly rub my clit through my panties, he’d put a little pressure on it and then stop and move his hands. After teasing me like that for a while he then moved my panties to the side and continued to rub my clit more aggressively. I came I don’t how many times from that, I miss the sex believe me, but he can still do things to me that drive me insane. He then somehow grabs one of my hands and puts it on his dick with is rock hard. I grasp it and play with him until I sit up on my knees and hands so I can suck his dick. He continues to play with me but I tell him that it’s hard for me to concentrate when he’s doing that so good. I’m in a different angle this time so I’m doing a few new things to him and I can tell he really enjoys it.

He’s got his hands firmly wrapped in my hair and every now and then he would put one on my throat or face just to touch me. At one point he seductively asks me:

“Which way do you prefer it?” He then pulls my mouth off of him so I can respond, “I really like both, it’s a little harder to deep throat this way though.”

I continue at that angle for a little longer than he spins himself around and we are in what I call the typical BJ position. He continues to have his hands in my hair and he talks to me a little in the way he knows I like. After he came I lay on his chest for a little bit before we decide to actually get out of bed. I felt like things were a little weird between the two of us when I was leaving. More than likely those wonderful additional emotions my periods make me feel. He’s been going through a lot lately too so that probably doesn’t help either.

When I got home he asked if I made it safely and all that jazz.

But today has been awkward. He was texting me and things went like this during the conversation:

Him: “Aren’t you going somewhere this week?”

Me: “Me? No I didn’t plan on it. I’m taking off after Tuesday but I’m not going anywhere. Are you?”

Him: “I knew you were off but I thought you were going somewhere for some reason. Nope I’m not going anywhere”

Him: “Wednesday night we always go to my uncle’s and Friday I’m going to a boat show with him”

Me: “Oh okay that sounds fun”

Him: “What do you normally do?”

Me: “I don’t really have any traditional plans. It was always either go out or go out of town. My parents don’t really do anything special besides like a lunch/dinner on New Year’s Day lol”

Him: “The dermatologist antibiotic isn’t eligible until 1/1 lol”

Me: “How awesome lol how much will that be?”

Him: “Not sure but might not need it”

Me: “You don’t think?”

Me: “Are you inviting me for Wednesday?”


And that was the last text I sent, asking about Wednesday since he brought it up. I wasn’t going to but I just wanted to know since isn’t it typical for couples to be together on NYE? I sent it two hours ago and haven’t gotten a response back. I’m not sure what to think or expect at this point. I won’t text him again since I asked a direct question and he hasn’t answered yet. Any thoughts? I’m just confused since he mentioned all those details but hasn’t responded yet. I know he’s probably doing other things but it bothers me a little he has yet to respond.


One Year


One year. One year since the giant debacle with the Russian came to a screeching halt. One year of so many ups, downs, confusions, feelings and many other descriptive words.

It’s been since September that I’ve done an actual post and I’m so sorry. Life gets to be so hectic sometimes but so much has actually happened. Some good and some bad, which is pretty much the usual way things go for this relationship with the Russian.

So I will say that the Russian officially left the company that we both work for. He was having countless issues and a better job opportunity came up so he took it. I’m very happy for him and know he’s going to do great with the company. I had voiced a concern about it to him that starting this new job would be an easy way for him to get me out of his life. He actually said it before I could finish my sentence and he didn’t want me to feel that way. We’ve had the exclusive talk which we both agreed to be exclusive. Tried to have the “title/what are we” talk, didn’t go very well or as planned. But I can understand where he comes from, he’s been damaged so much emotionally and it doesn’t help he sometimes has to think about how this relationship began. Plus, it has only been since May that I ended my almost six year relationship. And I’ve only been living on my own for about five months.

But if I can, I’d like to just fully express how I’m feeling about this entire situation. It will probably help to get this out now so I can come back to it later. When I’m not about to be done with my period and full of extra emotions and I’m rambling already, sorry!

I’m starting to get that feeling in the pit of my stomach that maybe this won’t turn out like I had hoped. That maybe he will decide he doesn’t want this or just pull another disappearing act. I’ve had a few people tell me it’s obvious that cares for me and even has the big “L” word when it comes to me. But he has so many emotional and trust issues that I also have to go against at the same time. There are moments when he is affectionate like I need and I can honestly see the relationship beginning to actually take form. Other times, it’s so hard for me to read him that I don’t know where anything is even going.

He has called himself by “boyfriend” before but then when I asked about a title in the relationship he basically explained to me again his emotional issues and why he doesn’t want to rush anything with this. Only because we’ve been out and “dating” for just a few months.

We still do have amazing sex, at one point we were spending Friday to Sunday together. Going on dates, drinking and having sex multiple times a day like teenagers and it was amazing. It was probably the happiest months I’ve had in years. But of course, as my luck has it, he starts to either overthink things or get scared of the commitment that would follow. I think in his mind it isn’t a good way to start a relationship with so much sex. He’s even said that to me when we discussed something he had said previously. Now I let him initiate things and I don’t do it at all anymore. No more, “May I suck your dick sir?” because I’m not sure if I should or if he wouldn’t like that. Remember how open, affectionate and talkative he was over the summer? He’s changed from that.

He rarely kisses anymore which completely upsets me. I absolutely love to kiss, it’s how I show affection and how I like to receive it. So when we don’t kiss it makes me feel bad about myself. Mainly because it reminds me of how past relationships would go, the guy is always the one who stops with the affection and I’m left doubting myself. I’ve brought this up and he claims he is still “learning” on how to be affectionate that way. In his mind maybe affection is just reserved for sex and can’t be just a normal thing. Who knows? He is starting to try and figure out what some of his issues come from and he thinks they are more spiritual.

I can understand how he feels but I guess I just take the brunt of him going through all this. Because we go from spending almost every day together, with many sleepovers, to only seeing each other two to three times a week. Now, I know he started a new job and we do talk daily. I think I just miss how his schedule use to be, he has to get to work so early and it’s hard to have late nights with me.


Am I being ridiculous? I really believe he wants to be with me but I think it’s so hard reading those emotions of his and just wondering what he wants. I’m also torn because I view him as my boyfriend, and I’m sure he views me as his girlfriend, so I tell him little things I’m doing if he asks and he tells me what he’s doing. I still never text him first, it’s something I don’t think I’ll ever really change.

Shit. I hate going through this right now. It doesn’t help we still haven’t done the introduction to our parents. I’ve met his father at different events but he’s never intentionally taken me to meet his family. I haven’t either but I told him I wanted to bring him after he introduced me to his. Again, he told me he had rushed that phase before and would be completely invested in the relationship then the girl would just leave him. I instantly wanted to roll my eyes because, hello, how long has this thing been going on? Obviously I’m not going to just leave him. Maybe strangle him, but not just leave.

Some weeks are better than others and maybe that’s just the cause of this relationship and how it all started. I’m not sure. I do know I want things to work with him and I want to help him the best I can. I thought dating men in their 30s would be less complicated; apparently this 20something wasn’t quite right.

Any thoughts on the situation? I know I haven’t posted in so long and I’m leaving out a lot of details. I’ll be able to talk about those a little later. I’m proud to say my company has finally released the block for WordPress. This does make my life even better! I’m so happy to be back, dear readers and I hope I don’t disappoint!


I’m Scared You’ll Forget About Me


I’m officially paranoid I may have messed things up with the Russian over the weekend. Maybe I didn’t and I’m making a bigger deal of things but I’m not sure.

Friday night we didn’t see each other but we talked most of the day and night. The next day I spent getting things arranged for my move and did stuff around my house all day and afternoon. While we were talking we decided to see each other that night for our usual thing. I picked up food and more alcohol since he was out. I got there and while we ate we watched the newest episodes of the show he got me hooked on until I was finally caught up. Admittedly, I was drinking faster than normal so I was slightly drunk early on.

We were flipping through the channels watching different things and joking around. To me he was acting a little distant and, thanks to dear alcohol, I voiced that he was acting weird and he said you always say that if I’m not all over you, I tell him it isn’t that but he needed to quit it. We joked around more and laughed it off. At some point, we were watching this thing that led us to have a discussion about politics and women. I’m all for talking about these things but not when I’m drinking. He was making me slightly annoyed and I kept saying I don’t want to have this argument right now but he kept on with it. I told him while I respect his opinions he was being slightly insulting in his comparisons and examples.


We finally stopped talking about that and decided to watch a movie. We were playing with each other in his kitchen so things went back to normal. We started the movie and I was leaning on him. After a while he kept putting his hands on my face and playing with my lips, I grabbed his finger between my teeth and he made the comment “Oh is that all you got?” Wellllll…in my mind I barely bit down but apparently it was harder than I intended. He made a comment I hurt him and he was kind of pouting about it. I apologized to him and all that jazz. I could tell he was annoyed so I leaned to the other side of the couch to keep watching the movie. He started to get more playful with me after a while so I felt better.

I started to notice he was getting tired, it was fairly late, so I just mentioned I can leave if he’s ready to go to bed. He told me he didn’t want me to leave he was just yawning. Well a little later he asked if I wouldn’t mind heating up my leftovers for him. I told him I didn’t mind so I heated the food up for him and brought it into the living room. After he ate he decided he wanted to try out his new mattress and asked me to come try it too. When he got in it he felt one side and then the other and said, “Yep this is my side of the bed” and pulled me close to him. As I’ve said before he prefers to be “little spoon” but would hold onto my arm and lace his legs over mine. Well after a little while we both fell asleep. I didn’t plan on it since I wasn’t tired but it is a comfy bed. I woke up after almost two hours and was, well, horny.

I reached my hand down and started to touch his member. He started to groan a little but didn’t wake up, I kept on with it until I had his pants undone. Eventually I rolled him over and started to suck on him. He woke up at that point. After a little while he pulled me up and said he had to go to the bathroom. When he came back he laid down again but just pulled me back against his back. He positioned me a certain way so I took that as he didn’t want to continue on since he was tired. I didn’t try anything else but I did roll over because I got hot. Probably two seconds after I rolled over he reached over and started rubbing his hand over my ass and then stuck his hand down the back of my shorts. He then pulled his hand out and rolled me over. He then put my arm a certain way around him and then put my legs around his. I wasn’t sure about what he wanted but I whispered that he was killing me with this.

He played all shy but then stood up and turned some music on so it wouldn’t be so quiet. He came back and resumed the same position he was in earlier but this time he put his hand down my shorts and proceeded to give me an orgasm and then another. At some point he rolled over and I started to suck his dick again. After doing so for a little while he pulled me up and asked me, “Do you want to keep sucking my dick or do you want me to fuck you?” I told him I always want to do both but it was up to him. He then grabbed onto my hair and said, “What do you want?” I then told him I wanted to fuck him. I reached into his drawer and pulled out a condom and the lube. I resumed sucking his dick until he put lube on my hand. I rubbed the lube on him while he got the condom ready, I stopped while he put it on.

I probably only have one thought, I can’t call it a complaint because I had way too many orgasms to complain. I’m always on top it feels like. Always. And it isn’t like he doesn’t do things while I am on top and I do enjoy being on top but sometimes a girl just wants to feel the weight of a man on top of her or even from behind. But I did get him to cum with me on top which I felt proud of doing. I have this one move I do that apparently drives him crazy and he kept asking me to do it the normal way I do and then at different angles.

We had sex for well over an hour, maybe almost two. Plenty of hair pulling, ass slapping and dirty talking all those things I love. Before he came he asked me that when he did cum if I would keep jacking him off till he was done. I almost was a smart ass and said, “If I let you cum on my face do think I’d say no to that?” I didn’t say that though. When he came he pulled himself out of me and I proceeded to do as he asked. We lay together for a little while after, I was laying on his chest trying to catch my breath and he held me like that.

When we got up I got dressed and got some water. It was almost 5 in the morning so I was starting to wonder if he’d ask me to stay or not. That was a no. He walked me out to my car and kissed me goodbye and told me to let him know that I made it back to the house.

I did but I knew I wouldn’t hear from him because it was so late and he’s even told me he always sees that I text him and he tries to text back but sometimes just falls asleep.

The next day I felt so stupid for my behavior. And maybe you don’t think it was that bad but I just feel like I messed up. We did talk Sunday night. He asked if I watched the newest episode, which I didn’t get to, and then we talked about my house. Monday he actually parked his truck right next to mine. Which was intentional because there were plenty of spots besides that one. Later that night after a stressful meeting I sent him a text:

Me: “These meetings make me want to shoot myself in the knee sometimes”

Him: “Not the face?”

Me: “The knee would be a better way to suffer…I don’t want to die lol”

But that was it. He didn’t ask about the meeting or anything. I haven’t heard anything from him I’m sure I will again but it causes me to think even more that I did something wrong and pissed him off. I don’t think he should be that mad over it, mainly because he does stuff to me I don’t like. Like touching my face or being drunk and saying dumb shit like he has before. Maybe I’m making a mountain out of a molehill but the fact we haven’t really talked doesn’t make me feel any better.

What are your thoughts? Ever do anything stupid like that and immediately regret doing it? How did you handle the situation afterward? 


Oh Those Things You Do


Last night was very unexpected to say the least. If you are wondering, dear reader, did I go meet the Russian at the bar last night the answer to that question is not really.

I hadn’t heard from him that afternoon so I had sent him a text letting him know my friends had bailed on me for the night. We talked about for a little bit, and then an hour or so later he mentioned that my roommate came up and talked to him for a minute. Talk about awkward and weird. He told me that it made him feel like an asshole. I can understand that because this situation is so strange and he knows the ex and I didn’t end on horrible terms so the Russian feels like he doesn’t have a reason to dislike him.

He asked me if I came to the bar and I told him that I had no one I could meet there besides him. He was a little sad and I told him that since it’s work guys there if we started drinking around each other and became too touchy around them it would make things very obvious. He agreed and asked what I was doing later, I had no plans since I was already in bed. We talked back and forth for a little while then I fell asleep. He sent me a text around midnight asking if I was up. I had been in and out of being awake so I told him I was and he asked if I would mind picking him up. He told me that he did have a ride with his friends but if I wasn’t tired he’d like me to get him.

So I drove over to get him, I will admit I was slightly nervous since my ex was still there and he could have easily seen the Russian get into my car. Thankfully that didn’t happen though. Once we were in my car driving he was telling me about the night and how things went with him seeing my ex. Then he told me about some stuff at work that had progressed. It was actually a fun ride together. He was buzzed but not completely drunk so that made it better.

Once we are inside he can see the shorts I’m in and makes a comment about them, then pulls me in for a hug. I kiss his neck and start to pull away but he holds me tighter. He then tells me he’s trying to take a picture of my ass in these shorts. Men. He finally gets a picture he likes and we sit in the living room. I wasn’t going to drink since it was already late and I didn’t need to wake up with a hangover again. As we are sitting he gives me more details about what was going on with work and it seems that slowly, but surely things are getting better.

He asks me if I have a curfew tonight and I tell him I never have a curfew, but that I just try to be somewhat respectful to the ex to avoid any fights or me getting kicked out.

We are playing with the tv when he mentions that he still hasn’t seen a certain movie yet and would like to take me but knows we could get caught. I then tell him that my ex is going out of town for the entire weekend. He tells me we can still be seen by someone, I kind of shrug my shoulders and say if we meet in the theater and it will dark no one could really say anything.

I had mentioned to him a while back about using an app on his game station to stream movies/television shows so he asks if I wouldn’t mind helping him with it. He then asks me if I want an orgasm before or after we start downloading this program, I tell him after and stand up to turn on the game station. He quickly grabs me and sits me on his lap while spreading my legs. He then slides his hand up my shorts and continues on till I have an orgasm. Well, maybe more like three. When he finally stops he lets me stand up again and get the remote.

Well we slowly start the process and talk the entire time. I ask him how the night was and we talk about that for a little bit. I mention to him that a coworker that we are both friends with had mentioned going that night and asked if I had heard about it. He stops me right there and tells me that this coworker is already aware of our situation. I look at him and ask what does he know? The Russian tells me that he knows we see each other and I’m completely shocked. Mainly because I am close to this coworker and he never mentioned knowing to me but I’ll admit when I think about certain things he would say now make sense. And the Russian mentions that the coworker told him he had brought up inviting me but that I played it off really well. He also tells me that he was trying to see how much he could trust both of us. We passed too, in case you were wondering.

I ask him why he’s always testing me and he says that he just wants to learn more about me. But that he believes I’d ever intentionally disappoint him or let him down. I told him I would try not to, no one is perfect though.

When the program finally downloads we start setting everything up, once it’s set up he forwardly asks me, “Would you like to watch a movie or make out?” I raise an eyebrow and look at him, “Well that’s right to the point huh?” He laughs and tells me we can do whatever I want. I lean over and start kissing his neck again, “So I guess that’s your answer huh?” I smile at him and shake my head. He then goes to get something and comes back to the living room. I make a comment that we need to turn the tv on or something because it’s so quiet, he then hands me his phone and tells me to start some music. I look through his list and pick an artist to make fun of him.

We laugh about and he starts to jokingly sing along with it. I start to kiss on his neck and then make my way to his lips. We start kissing and then I begin to slowly grind myself against him. I do this for a little bit till he pulls my face away from his and says, “Please.” I tilt my head and say, “Please what?” He shifts himself, grabs my face and says, “Please suck my dick.” I smile at him and slide down the couch to do what he asks. So after I’ve been giving him what he asked for he pulls me up and towards him to ask me if I want him to fuck me. I tell him yes of course. I then straddle him and I start to slowly put him inside me and when I have him maybe a quarter of the way in he lifts his hips up and suddenly pushes himself all the way inside me. This causes me to yell out since I wasn’t prepared for that. We only do me on top and sideways while on top, after some very intense and multiple orgasms he stands us up and walks me to the end of the couch. He lays me across the armrest and proceeds to fuck me from behind. And he knows I’m sore from the spankings he gave me last time but he gave me a few more until I had to ask him to stop. That really surprised him so he stopped for a little while. Before he came he asked me if I would give him another BJ until he came. Which I did but I teased him a lot with it. I know how he likes it so I would get him right to the edge and then I’d stop and change speeds. He caught onto that after a little while. Whenever he came I continued what I was doing until well after.

He pulled me up to his chest where I laid for a little while. I was completely exhausted and could have just passed out then and there. We finally get up, I get dressed but he continues to walk around naked which I just love. He kisses me bye and tells me to let him know when I’m home and I do. It wasn’t too late thankfully.

We’ve talked a bit today so we will see if he wants to see me this weekend since I’ll be by myself. It’s so weird how back and forth he can get sometimes but the chemistry between us is just intense. Oh Russian, the things you do to me.

When You’re a Good Girl


I have this (pretty rational) fear that even once I’ve moved into my own place that the Russian will continue to pull his random disappearing acts on me. This time he went seven days without speaking to me after we spent multiple days together, including me picking him up from a bar. I wasn’t all that surprised because I knew it was bound to happen soon, things were just going too well for a while.

Over the last weekend I got super annoyed with the roommate (ex). He tried to have sex with me again and I had once again realized that was the reason he had been being nicer to me lately. Well, one night over the weekend he decided to go out and not return back to the house till 10:30 the next morning. I know I shouldn’t feel mad or upset by that considering what my feelings consist of with the Russian, but he still really pissed me off. Mainly because I know if I did that he would have been SUPER mad and probably try to come find me.

Well yesterday as I was leaving work to go run some errands I saw that the Russian had sent me a text about my driving as he usually does. We talked a little back and forth about it, he threw out the “we” word a couple of times and then that was it. Or so I thought any way. After I had finished working out I picked up some food then went to the house. The roommate came in later but decided to leave and meet some friends. So I went to bed with Netflix and some cookies. At some point a little later the Russian texted me.

I wasn’t sure what to expect but the conversation was actually a somewhat serious one about some work stuff he has been dealing with. It was a deep talk about these issues he’s having and what steps he’s having to take to either fix them or look for another job. Well once things got a little less serious I made a joke about him messing a word up.

Me: “Btw it’s poll* not pole lol”

Him: “I put poll but it autofucked me”

Him: “Pole is what I give you”

Him: “When you’re a good girl”

Me: “You messed up multiple times though soooo operator error!”

Me: “And aren’t I always a good girl??”

Him: “No ma’am. I even thought about it. Thank you for pointing it out but I do understand the definitions”

Me: “Lol I’m just playing with you sir! It’s not often you make a mistake twice so I have to give you a little bit of a hard time ;)”

Him: “I know :)”

As usual, he had to get a dirty remark in there but there is one thing I’ve noticed about him. He can never just be wrong, he has to always be right. Which is how I can be sometimes but that’s another post. We continued to talk about the work stuff a little more but then I passed out.  I just don’t get it or him. At least he didn’t wait two weeks to talk to me like last time. But to me, we’ve already discussed these issues and he should realize he doesn’t have to keep distancing himself. I know this thing has been going on for about nine months now but I’m officially moving out and you’d think he would accept that and now put in a real effort with me.

Who knows though? I just had to get that out of my system. Sad thing is? I’ll text him later to see how his meeting went and let him talk to me about it again. WHY? Because since I have a vagina I get these emotions that make me care sometimes. Does anybody else hate that??


Just Fucking Rip Them!


I’m not sure how to really even begin this post. As usual a lot has happened since my last post and even since last week.

I officially have found a house that I love, I made an official offer on it and it was accepted. Closing is expected to be early this summer so keep your fingers crossed for me! The only problem is I haven’t shared this information with the boyfriend yet. My family and I agree that I should wait till it’s closer to the date otherwise living together for another two months would be quite awkward. Also, he could get angry and just completely kick me out which wouldn’t be good either.

Well the Russian and I are in our usual weird limbo. Last week we saw each other on Thursday night and let me say, that was one to remember.

**Kind reminder, there will be sex discussed in this post so turn back now if you don’t want to read about it!**

We were both off that Friday so after a drawn out conversation that dealt with us playing cat and mouse we decided to see each other on Thursday. At some point in the conversation I will say he mentioned our “extended quietnesses” (his own words). I didn’t get a real answer on it as I had passed out after it was brought up in a playful way. The days before that we spoke a lot with each other. A lot about my new house, a major project he’s been working on and then a few other things too.

That Thursday we talked pretty much the entire day since he was off. So when it got closer to the time we decided to meet he asked if I wanted to pick up some food for us and I did.

When I got to his house we sat down to eat and start the show. We were just talking a lot with each other and joking around. After we ate and watched about half of an episode he asked if I wanted a drink and I said yes so he fixed us drinks. I think this was one of the times when we just talked a lot with each other. We joked around so much and had some random conversations. When it came time for a second drink I was surprised at how early it was so I asked for another. By that second drink I was definitely feeling it and I could tell he was too.


He gets to be so silly around me once he’s comfortable, we kept making jokes about the show we were watching and he would crack me up about that all night. Or we would say the same thing at the same time and he would be sure to point it out to me when it happened. Sometimes I feel so comfortable around him I can’t help but wonder what will happen when I’m officially on my own. I guess that’s something we will see later.

Back to the story. So we had been sitting on the couch during this time and I was wearing shorts. So he was rubbing on my legs and holding my hand. I had been really picking on him, mainly calling him the usual nicknames I do and he was pretending to pout about it so I kissed on his face like I know he likes. I kissed his cheek and slowly made my way to his lips, I kissed the corner of his mouth and then he turned to face me and he starts to touch my cheeks. I make a face a pull back a little and he tells me to stop that and says, “You need to get over this face thing because I like to touch your face.” So I let him touch my cheeks and then we started to kiss very deep. He’s running his hands through my hair and touching my face and throat like he normally likes to do.


When we finally came up for air we resumed watching the show but this time he had me pulled right up against him. My memory gets a little hazy here so just hang on.

We started to kiss again and he slipped his hand between my legs and started gripping my thighs. After more kissing he slid his hand up and started to touch me through my shorts. At some point he had his hand down the front of my shorts. He made a comment about my waxing and how long it usually lasts. He then starts to touch me until he slides a finger inside me. I keep my eyes open and on his facial reactions, he closes his eyes, arches his back a little and moans. He becomes aware I was staring at him so he starts moving his finger faster and deeper into me. Causing me to close my eyes and really enjoy myself.

After he does this for a little bit he turns so his back is against the arm rest and I turn to face him. He stands me up and I take my shorts off, he then asks me to stand over him while I’m just in my shirt and panties. These are those that are the “cheeky” ones that the portion that covers your ass is all lace. As I’m standing over him he touches my ass and starts talking to me. He gives me all these compliments on my ass and that he wishes he could photograph this moment. I laugh and tell him to keep wishing cause that won’t happen. (I was horny, not stupid at that moment) As it continues, I finally turn around and straddle him. He moves to try and take my panties off so I jump off the couch and take a few steps away. He sits up and gives me a look then tells me to come back over there. I tell him to come catch me and I walk to the bed. He grabs me real quick and carries me to his bed. As I sit on the bed he grabs a condom and a bottle of lube then he sets them on the bed.


He lays down and I sit on top of him. After he takes my shirt off I’m only in my panties. This is when things got intense. He’s rubbing on my ass and makes a remark about ripping my panties off me. I tell him I’ve never had someone do that and I wish he would. He tells me it might hurt me and I said, “Just fucking rip them!” And that is exactly what he did, in literally two seconds he ripped my pretty lace panties right off of me.Image

At that point things progressed quickly. He puts some lube on my hand that I then rub on his dick while he reached for the condom. When he had that on he rolled me onto my back and asked if I wanted him, I said, “Yes Sir” and he pushed himself inside of me. He had to go slow at first like he normally does and then things really started going. We had sex with him on top with my legs in the air and wrapped around him, I was on top in about four different positions, then he was behind me as I laid on the bed and then before he came he had me leaning over the bed while he was behind me. This was well over an hour by the time he came.

It still is crazy to me that he can last that long. He got up so we could find our clothes and go back to the couch. I found my shirt and he threw me my shorts after finding my panties ripped. He made a comment about them and wanting to keep them. I laughed and told him no. For some reason we couldn’t find his shorts anywhere so he just put on the cutest pair of boxers. He said they were his favorite cause of how soft they were. I liked them because I could easily see the bulge of his member. That statement made him laugh a lot.

We resumed watching the show together and were talking about random stuff again. At some point he got frisky and started touching me again. He tried to get hard again but considering we just had sex and had been drinking it didn’t happen at that moment, so he asked if I’d take a nap with him. We both were laying on the couch in just our shirts. He held me to where he had me wrapped in his arms and my head was laying on his chest. Any time I moved just a little he would hold onto me tighter and wouldn’t let me move. So I let him sleep for a little bit. I wasn’t tired but it was nice just laying like that with him.


Eventually he woke up and so did his member. We resumed where we left off before the nap. I was sitting on top of him and straddled him. One thing he does that I really like is when he can take control while he’s underneath me. He will hold my hips still and, well, just really fuck me. At some point he lifts me up and carries me to the large chair in his living room and bends me over it. He really starts to go when he’s behind me. It’s almost too much for me because I was still a little sore. Then he starts to get more into slapping my ass. Which he had done before but I think in that position he was able to really do it. He favors his right hand so he slaps my left ass cheek the most. For the first time I had to tell him to go easier because it was starting to border on actually hurting. He was surprised by that but he switched hands and ass cheeks. I lean myself up so my back is against his chest and he lifts me up while he continues to fuck me.


I don’t know how but he then turns me around and lays me on the armrest. He asks if I want him to cum and I tell him “Yes Sir” and he keeps going, I had so many orgasms at this point I can’t even guess. Whenever he comes he pulls me against him and holds me. As I walk around to get dressed he’s standing there completely naked and I couldn’t help but just stare at him. Maybe it was the added alcohol or the fact I was like a horny teenager but I know my look was one of those hungry and greedy looks. He made a comment that if I didn’t stop staring like that we’d have a problem. I told him to either put some underwear on or another condom.

Once I’m dressed he just wraps a towel around himself and after a playful game of him trying to take my panties we walk to my car. We talk a little more and then he kisses me goodbye, tries to take my panties again and then I finally leave.

As usual, we didn’t talk the next day but I was busy with family stuff and he knew that. The day after that he sent me a text with his usual “Yo” and I responded but he never sent anything back. So we didn’t talk over the weekend. But Monday afternoon he was parking his truck behind my car while I was leaving to run an errand.

Him: “Did you even notice that was me speed demon?”

Me: “I had a feeling it was you lol and I wasn’t even driving that fast”

Well we didn’t talk yesterday but then today he’s been texting me more. As usual he was critiquing my driving and telling me I need to drive slower, I tell him I will drive slower and I can almost tell it’s the dominate personality in him trying to come out.

Ahhh this man drives me insane with these “extended quietnesses” as he liked to put it. I don’t know if it’s because he wants me to text him or if he’s just being weird because of this entire situation.

Oh well, we will see what happens. So that was my last week and a half, how was yours?

Keeping Score


Ten days. 240 hours. 14400 minutes.

That’s how long it has been since I last heard from the Russian. And I wouldn’t even consider that a conversation, just an “Ok” and that was it.

I spent the night with this “man” last Saturday. From about 9 pm to 10:30 am I was with him. Not only was I with him but he was sweet on me, touching me and all that stupid touchy feely shit. Gave him how many blowjobs? Oh that’s right, FOUR.


Do I sound pissed? Because I am.

I’m not hurt or sad, I’m pissed. Pissed I once again let a guy just use me for his own needs. Instead of being honest and telling me what he wanted he lied and made me believe there was something there.

This is why I fear being single. All these ridiculous games one plays for no other reason but to get what they want. What’s sad is I use to be able to play these games and I didn’t even like doing it.

I’m sick of men and their stupid fucking games, because we all know they continue to get away with it and probably always will. Why? I believe if a woman confronted a man about it he would turn it completely around on her and make her feel like shit. WHY? Because they know we tend to be emotional creatures and if we feel we have hurt someone or something stupid like that we will cave.


The funny part? Not all women are emotional creatures. I may have moments when I feel emotional or get sad. Those are few and far between. The majority of the time I get annoyed and aggravated when people try to play on me emotions.

Like when the Russian told me, “That’s my face” one night we were together. Was him playing my emotions, because I never knew he felt that way about me. Oh wait, he didn’t. I just believed he did which caused me to really think about things with him.


Fucking asshole.

I put my relationship and future at a serious risk for HIM. And for what?? Nothing. Another notch in his headboard and another number in his count. Not only did I do that but I have such serious thoughts and regrets that I honestly have to separate from my boyfriend. Because I have seen what real passion can be like, what it should be like to feel wanted and desired.

Even if the asshole that did it is obviously just playing me.

And what’s even worse? I miss him. I miss the way he could make me laugh, I miss joking with him and just spending time with him.


Even though it is apparent that was all a game.


Disillusioned Young One – 0

Let the games continue.