Starving For Truth

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Is it typical for men to be such complicated creatures?  I sit and type this while at work on my last day for the week. Yay holidays! I don’t have anything to do as some of our servers are down and I can’t really do anything without one so I’ll just write.

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And I’m not sure if anyone is really wondering or not but the Russian did finally text me back. Here’s a recap of the conversation: Russian had asked me about NYE and if I had any plans or what I typically did for that night. Considering I was dating someone for several years we always went out and drank the night away or took out of town trips. I mentioned the basics of this “just go out or go out of town” to him. He on the other hand mentioned family stuff he typically does. I then sent the following text:

Me: “Are you inviting me for Wednesday?”

THREE HOURS LATER.

Him: “I hadn’t yet but I was planning on it :)”

Me: “Well that’s good to know lol :)”

And that was all that was said last night. Nothing else.

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Granted, we do spend a lot of time together but that’s more his doing than mine. He’s usually the one asking to see me or do something. Which is exactly what I prefer, every now and then I’ll ask him if he’d like to see me. But as mentioned before Mondays are usually a gaming night for him and I know this.

Is this what it’s like to truly miss someone? I just want to see him and lean my head on his shoulder then feel him put his head against mine. I’m so bad at admitting my feelings to people because in my past as soon as I do they either run away or just take advantage of that. So I’ve been testing the waters with him by sending cute texts or telling him something in person. But he still confuses me sometimes.
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Is it because he finally caught the pretty, shiny toy and now that interest has faded? Am I still too intimidating for him sometimes? Or am I just making dramatic scenarios up in my head as an excuse to pull back emotionally? Ugh. The man did spend quite a lot of money on me for Christmas and my birthday so it isn’t like he would just jump back right after that, right?


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I would feel so much better if he would just ask to see me and then hold me for a little while. Also, some sex would be really great too. My last relationship was basically sexless and I’m quite a sex fiend, my friends basically call me a man because of my sex drive and constant thoughts of it. You would think after years of being deprived of it and told no, even if it was just typically five minutes, I would be use to not getting it. But man, once you’ve had really good sex you just can’t stop it like that. And I’ve had the best sex of my life with the Russian so it’s hard when you don’t have it for a while.

I know I agreed that we needed to focus on the relationship itself and not just the sexual side; we both know that chemistry isn’t going anywhere. Hell, he’s told me when I touch him, in a nonsexual way, he basically tingles all over. I know it was my choice not to have sex on my period though because I just really hate the messiness of it. I’ve got to get on that birth control that you only have your period once every three months.


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Basically this is just me ranting and getting emotions out with no holding back. I apologize for this, I’m just in a cluster fuck of emotions and thoughts right now. See, this is what happens when you aren’t cuddled or fucked in a while. Weird thoughts happen and you just need to be held, cared for and then fucked.

Any thoughts? Or has anyone felt this way before? Share your thoughts! I’m here all day….literally.


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I’m Here For You

I meant to post this before my previous “You are mine” posts. This may help in explaining a few things if anyone found themselves confused!

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Things have taken some unexpected turns since my last post. I should resist the urge to write when I’m on my period because those emotions tend to be all over the place.

Well, the last time I posted the Russian and I had decided to slow things down sexually. Which I can agree with (some) because as we try to form a relationship we need to focus on other things besides amazing sex. That week we didn’t have sex at all. He was going out of town from Friday to Sunday so I really only saw him two days. I did spend the night with him each night and every morning we fooled around. I pretty much have his “move” figured out in the mornings. Alarms go off, he rolls me over and we cuddle for a while, then he proceeds to roll me on top of him to hold me and then fun finally begins. Like clockwork people. So Wednesday and Friday morning this same routine happened, he got a BJ and I got, well, revved up and then nothing. Bummer to say the least.

While he was out of town we spoke pretty much the entire weekend, which was really nice considering he was with guys all weekend playing video games. When he got back that Sunday of course he asked to see me, so I went over and we just talked about a bunch of random stuff. That next week was very intense and kind of thought provoking.

We didn’t really talk much Monday with him working long hours and then on Mondays he has his “guy night” to play Halo or other games.  Tuesday we talked here and there, then of course had our usual night together. We attempted to watch a movie but we ended up having one of our typical deep talks. I have been dealing with issues at my job with a coworker basically bullying me. So I vented to him about it and we discussed ways I can work on looking on the more positive side of things.

I mentioned to him that my best friend was dealing with a situation with her ex boyfriend. He was going through his own type of depression and dealing with a lot. He’s the same age as my Russian. I told him that he told my friend he didn’t see himself with her in 10 years and wasn’t sure because he knew he should be falling in love with her but didn’t feel that way. She of course left him because she does love him but didn’t want to stay like that. I told him now her ex is trying to slowly make his way back into her life in usual fashion: nice gestures, reminding her of old memories, offering support, etc.

He told me that maybe the depression he was going through was clouding his feelings and when she wasn’t super understanding of him during this time caused him to want to pull away. He then mentioned how I have been handling his emotional issues/depression very well. Which I told him of course I was, I knew what he was going through since he told me and I can appreciate it more in order to be there for him but not be overbearing or take things too personal.

It was really nice that night because he was so affectionate for the first time in a long time. We actually made out like a couple of teenagers. Just kissing and touching each other. He would make me lay on top of him and just cuddle. When we got in bed we continued fooling around and this led to me giving a pretty good BJ. I stayed the night with him and just cuddled with him the rest of the night. That next morning he woke me up (since he has to be up earlier than me) and we proceeded to fool around a little. He pulled me on top of him (like always) and we proceeded to basically grind against each other. We were just in our undies so he proceeded to tease me and lightly spank my pussy. At one point I’m grinding against him getting close to an orgasm but I stop. We hadn’t had sex still in two weeks at this point but I wasn’t going to ask for it. Well, after I stopped myself from finishing he whispers in my ear, “Go ahead and get one.” Well, I took that as get me an orgasm so I continued what I was doing until I did. Turns out, he meant get a condom. Duh. Well, he didn’t mind what I did and actually called it hot. After mine of course he asked if I could help him with his and I then proceeded to give him another BJ. This one was a little bit rougher which was extremely sexy. I like knowing how much he wants me and how much of an affect I can have on him. Afterwards we did cuddle for a few minutes and then he got up to get ready for work.

We both went onto work as normal. Well the next day he basically had some major revelation about where his life was going and what he wanted with his life. He basically had a breakdown I think.

He sent me an urgent text about it and then called me when I got off work. He told me he was going to talk to someone he views as a mentor and wanted to know if he could come by after he left that man’s house. I told him I would be home and he could come over if he wanted.

Well I clean up around the house some, take a shower and think maybe he calmed down so he won’t be coming by. Well, of course he calls me and asks if I’ve eaten yet. I tell him no and wherever he wants to stop is fine with me. I can tell in his voice he’s really upset and probably on the verge of crying. He tells me he can’t really think clearly so I tell him where to go, what to get and tell him to just get to my house. When he pulls up and walks to my door I go to let him in and his face just broke my heart.

He looked completely exhausted, broken and sad all at one time. When he walked in the door he set the food on my kitchen table and then turned to me for a hug. I wrapped my arms around him and let him just lean into me. We just stood there and held each other for a long time, I knew that’s what he really needed and didn’t break the hug until he did. So we just sat at my kitchen table and talked about everything he was going through about his career choice. I won’t go into heavy detail but we spent a good five hours just talking.

He recently had started just laying his head in my lap so he could fully relax and let me comfort him basically. The first time he did it was that night on my kitchen floor. Long story short but after we ate for some reason he just sat on my kitchen floor and I sat in front of him. After a while he ended up just putting his head in my lap and laying there. When we moved to my couch we just continued talking and intermittently he would lay down with his head in my lap.

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As it got later he went back to his house, we didn’t make a lot of progress but it did him good just to be able to talk and think out loud to me, then listen to my thoughts on what he should do. He ended up taking that next day off to speak with his family and close friends about what he was thinking, as well as keeping me informed of things. That night he asked me to come over again to just really look at the details of what he wanted to do and just be there for support. Which is what I’m best at and exactly what I did for him during the time I was there. That night we drank rather heavily once we finished looking over things and just enjoyed being near each other. Of course, he did lay in my lap a few times which basically makes me melt every time he does it. I stayed the night with him and helped him prepare for his day ahead.

As the day progressed he kept me updated on how things were going and what he was doing. That night of course he asked if I wanted to see him and it was one of the sweeter ways he’s done that.

Him: “We hanging out tonight?”

Me: “I would like to if you’re cool with it”

Him: “I would love to”

That right there instantly made me smile. So that night he came over to my house and we talked for a little bit on how his day went and then we left to get some food. After we got back and ate dinner he offered to help me rearrange my furniture. After spending an hour doing so we finally got it the way I wanted it so we settled in to watch a movie and drink even more. We talk during the movie, as usual, and don’t even finish it before we fall asleep on the couch together. I wake up before him and drag him to my bed so we can actually sleep comfortably.

That morning we wake up and get pretty frisky with each other. I stopped expecting sex and hadn’t brought it up since the conversation we had a few weeks ago. Well that morning while I was giving him head and practicing a new technique I read about he pulled me  up to him and asked if I wanted him inside me. I instantly closed my eyes and had to control a moan that crept up into my throat. I shook my head slightly letting him know that yes I did. He asked me to go get one of the condoms from my bathroom, which I happily obliged doing.

It had been over two weeks since we last had sex and I was slightly nervous about how this was going to happen. It was pretty amazing, even though I was slightly out of practice and my stamina was down a little. I was on top the majority of the time of course, but we did change positions several times. That man drives me crazy in bed. After many orgasms he finally asked me if he could have his turn to orgasm and I told him he could. He did and afterward we just laid in bed together. Normally, as you all know, he would jump up to shower and all that. This time he just put my head on his chest and held me.

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After a short nap, not even 15 minutes, he asked if I would give him a BJ. I was so shocked but happy to do it. I gave him one and it wasn’t as long as the normal ones of course, but it was still fun. He laid in my bed for a while since I was showering to get ready for the day. When I finished he asked if I had any food and I said “We have the leftovers from last night and I have a few things I can do for breakfast.” He playfully told me, “Then make me some damn breakfast woman!” So while he showered I scrambled a few eggs, seared some of the leftover steak and fixed up the rest of everything. We ate breakfast together and then he did some exercises for his back while I watched.

We actually spent the entire weekend together, just like old times. That Saturday we just played around at my house and had lunch together. Then we just watched Christmas movies while cuddling on my couch for a few hours until we got hungry again. He took me to go get some lunch at one of our favorite places. On the drive back to my house he asks me if I’d like to go to church with him tomorrow. I was a little surprised, because he has mentioned taking me before but never actually upfront asked me. I told him I would really like that and would go with him. He tells me I should just pack up what I want to wear for tomorrow and I can just stay with him that night. Well we do just that. I pack an overnight bag, he picks up my dog and we head to his house. We run inside a local grocery store to pick up a few snacks, a new movie and of course some alcohol. That night we just spent together watching the movie and drinking. He was so tired from everything that had been happening he literally passed out while I played with his hair. He eventually laid down and put his head in my lap. I finished the movie and then we went to sleep.

We woke up and got ready to go to church together for the first time. Once we were both ready we took his vehicle and headed that way. I met a few of his family members there and it was a nice service that Sunday. Afterwards we get lunch together and go back to his house. After changing we lay down to take a nap and I actually do try to sleep since I am tired. He does too but he cuddles me more and we get playful eventually with each other and that led to some pretty great sex. Afterwards a little later he drove me home and helped me unload everything and my dog into my house. We said our goodbyes and it was really sweet. We hadn’t spent a weekend together like that in a while. And since it was before the holidays I was sure it wouldn’t happen quite like that for a little while. But he did still manage to surprise me later on in this month.

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You Are Mine Part Two

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Later that weekend he took me to a Christmas party that he dad was hosting. I have met his dad a few times previously so that made things easier in breaking the ice with the family. It was actually a fun night and I was really happy he finally brought me around some of his family.

That next week was of course the week of Christmas. I spent Sunday and Monday at his house. He spent Tuesday with me and then I stayed with him Christmas night and then Saturday night. Tuesday was a very interesting one to say the least. He came over after eating dinner with his mom and sister so we basically just sat on the couch drinking and talking.

At one point he went to the guest bathroom instead of mine, which he does every now and then, he comes back out and looks funny. He tells me he noticed there was a drop on the toilet seat lid. I looked at him and said, “Well that’s your bathroom basically and you’re the only guy ever in there.” I could tell he was letting bad memories come back and he was just saying he’s usually good at cleaning up after himself and seeing that made his heart drop. I touched his face and told him, “I can tell you the only other men in that bathroom were my dad, little brothers and my gay best friend. But he last came over the weekend I moved it.”

He shook his head and said I know it just was me letting myself think bad things. I reminded him that the last time he used that bathroom we got really drunk and he took his sleeping pill before using it. That was like a light bulb that went off and he remembered. I even told him I hadn’t been home that much and was with him every night last week. He has such strong insecurities and I know the way we started doesn’t help but progress gets made every day.

Now, I had been meaning to talk to him about Christmas and explain to him that I wasn’t expecting anything and he shouldn’t feel obligated to get me anything. Well he very convincingly said he wanted to get some chapstick out of his vehicle. I told him to not be ridiculous because it was cold out and I had some in my purse. He insists and goes outside.

He returns with two packages wrapped with bows on them. I look at him with a complete shocked facial expression. I immediately tell him, “Oh you did not have to get me anything!! I was just about to say something about it!” I had already gotten him a few things but wasn’t ready to give them to him.

He just smiles and tells me to come get them. I walk over to grab the packages and sit back on my couch. He sits next to me and before I open them I lean over and kiss him on the cheek. There were two boxes. A larger one and a smaller one, I start to open the smaller one since it was on top and looked like a DVD. He stops me and asks that I open that last. I open the first one and it was something he had made for me for my home. I love it and immediately set it up in my kitchen. I open the second one and notice it was a DVD about an activity he does that I’ve wanted to do but since buying the house I couldn’t really afford it at the moment.

Well, I thought he had just given me a DVD on scuba diving and what it all entails so I tell him thank you and kiss him. He looks confused and asks me if I really understand what it means. I tell him, “Yeah it’s a video on scuba diving duh.” He starts to laugh and says, “No pretty girl, that is just a part of your gift. I’m paying for your lessons to get certified. And I also have a gift card for all the necessities you need to start off with.”

I was completely shocked. This was such a wonderful and unexpected gift, especially since we hadn’t even discussed doing gifts at all. I know he spent a good deal of money on this so I was just speechless. I pretty much jumped in his lap and started cuddling him and kissing him all over. I told him thank you a million times that night and pretty much the entire week. He gave them to me early because he said he can’t hold onto gifts and he wasn’t sure when I’d want to do gifts. Needless to say it was a wonderful evening together. We talked a lot, drank more, cuddled on the couch and eventually went to bed.

That morning we woke up and in typical fashion we started slowly fooling around with each other. Unfortunately, I started my period that night so he made sure to take care of me but there was no sex. Lots of orgasms though, for the both of us. I gave him four or five BJs, I can’t exactly remember the number but it was amazing. Each one was more intense than the other and I couldn’t get enough of it. We basically circled the bed multiple times in different positions so he could touch me and so I was still able to suck him. I also successfully deep throated him multiple times, finally! It did cause my throat to hurt a little but it was so incredibly sexy. The moans he would make when I did it and the way he’d ask me to do it again and if I was okay. He was definitely caring during the entire process.

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Afterwards we both just laid in my bed completely satisfied but happy. He left later that afternoon and I went to stay at my parent’s house for the night.

I came back home the night of Christmas and he asked to see me again. This time he brought me to meet more of his family and spend time with them. It was really great to meet his family and spend time with them and of course with him as well. I gave him his Christmas presents that night and he couldn’t resist giving me my birthday presents early. Mine is right after Christmas so he gave me my gifts that night. I was completely shocked he even did anything and I told him again he didn’t have to at all. He did very well and I was quite happy. I stayed the night and the next day he had some family stuff planned so I went home to relax and enjoy some of my gifts.

For my birthday he took me out for a really nice dinner and to see a new movie we both wanted to see. Because of my period I really just wasn’t in one of the best moods, I was feeling a little slighted by my family and he had made a joke about something I said that I took the wrong way. So I was a little tense when I first arrived at his house (we agreed I would meet him at his house since that’s where I wanted to stay for the night) and eventually I told him what was wrong and he apologized and I was fine. After dinner and the movie we went back to his house, had a drink, watched a little television and then went to sleep.

That morning though, man he definitely woke me up with a surprise. He had been having trouble sleeping so to help he switched ends of the bed. Meaning I was sleeping the normal way in a bed and he was opposite. His head down by my feet, I wasn’t exactly pleased with the arrangement but I knew he just needed sleep and did want me there. Well he rolled over at some point and started to just cuddle my legs. He’d rub them or just hug them closer to him. At some point he eventually got me turned over and lying on top of him with my legs spread in front of him. Since I was on the last day of my period he couldn’t do much but oh, what he did.

He started slowly, massaging my legs and then my ass. He would slowly rub the inside of my thighs and then work back on my ass. I would moan a little while he massaged me because it did feel really great. Eventually he started to slowly rub my clit through my panties, he’d put a little pressure on it and then stop and move his hands. After teasing me like that for a while he then moved my panties to the side and continued to rub my clit more aggressively. I came I don’t how many times from that, I miss the sex believe me, but he can still do things to me that drive me insane. He then somehow grabs one of my hands and puts it on his dick with is rock hard. I grasp it and play with him until I sit up on my knees and hands so I can suck his dick. He continues to play with me but I tell him that it’s hard for me to concentrate when he’s doing that so good. I’m in a different angle this time so I’m doing a few new things to him and I can tell he really enjoys it.

He’s got his hands firmly wrapped in my hair and every now and then he would put one on my throat or face just to touch me. At one point he seductively asks me:

“Which way do you prefer it?” He then pulls my mouth off of him so I can respond, “I really like both, it’s a little harder to deep throat this way though.”

I continue at that angle for a little longer than he spins himself around and we are in what I call the typical BJ position. He continues to have his hands in my hair and he talks to me a little in the way he knows I like. After he came I lay on his chest for a little bit before we decide to actually get out of bed. I felt like things were a little weird between the two of us when I was leaving. More than likely those wonderful additional emotions my periods make me feel. He’s been going through a lot lately too so that probably doesn’t help either.

When I got home he asked if I made it safely and all that jazz.

But today has been awkward. He was texting me and things went like this during the conversation:

Him: “Aren’t you going somewhere this week?”

Me: “Me? No I didn’t plan on it. I’m taking off after Tuesday but I’m not going anywhere. Are you?”

Him: “I knew you were off but I thought you were going somewhere for some reason. Nope I’m not going anywhere”

Him: “Wednesday night we always go to my uncle’s and Friday I’m going to a boat show with him”

Me: “Oh okay that sounds fun”

Him: “What do you normally do?”

Me: “I don’t really have any traditional plans. It was always either go out or go out of town. My parents don’t really do anything special besides like a lunch/dinner on New Year’s Day lol”

Him: “The dermatologist antibiotic isn’t eligible until 1/1 lol”

Me: “How awesome lol how much will that be?”

Him: “Not sure but might not need it”

Me: “You don’t think?”

Me: “Are you inviting me for Wednesday?”

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And that was the last text I sent, asking about Wednesday since he brought it up. I wasn’t going to but I just wanted to know since isn’t it typical for couples to be together on NYE? I sent it two hours ago and haven’t gotten a response back. I’m not sure what to think or expect at this point. I won’t text him again since I asked a direct question and he hasn’t answered yet. Any thoughts? I’m just confused since he mentioned all those details but hasn’t responded yet. I know he’s probably doing other things but it bothers me a little he has yet to respond.

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You Are Mine Part One

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Well it’s all official now. The Russian is officially mine now. What is he you may ask, because there are many things he has been and could be. Well, in his own words I’m his “girlfriend” and no longer available. While he, being a grown man in his 30s I don’t feel like boyfriend is the right term for him. My man? Significant other? Or is boyfriend acceptable? I just like calling him mine.

I’m sure you’re interested in how that conversation happened and the events leading up to it. Well last week was a rough one for him. The reality of him quitting his career to start up something new really hit him and he started to let his moods get to him more. So I just offered my support to him and let him express any emotions or doubts he had about this decision. I think over the course of the week it brought us closer because he realized he didn’t have to worry about me judging him or not wanting to be around him.

Towards the end of the week (we had our usual sleepovers earlier in the week) I asked him what his plans were for that Thursday night. He casually mentioned seeing some family of his but didn’t invite me. Which did upset me a little but he had brought me to his family’s church the previous Sunday so I knew he was making progress. Well when he told me there were doing something I just said okay and continued with our conversation. At some point we hit a little sweet part and then he asked if I’d like for him to come by after his family stuff, I said sure and he came by around 7 p.m. that night.

The family event didn’t really go that well since several members didn’t show up and he was a little stressed about the holidays. So we just turned on the tv, fixed some drinks and started talking. The talking is mainly what we did all night. Not about anything specific for a while, which is what I like, we just talked about anything that came to us. Well as it got a little later and the conversations got a little deeper. As we were sitting on my couch he pulls me on his lap and just holds me close to him and leans me back so my right ear is next to his mouth as he talks.

Him: “I know I’m not good at showing you the appreciation and affection you deserve but I hope you can tell I’m trying to get better at it.”

Me: “I can tell that you are and I really like it. You are an affectionate person whether you realize it or not.”

Him: “I hope you also know just how much I care for you. I really do and want it to be something you know.”

Me: “I had hoped you cared for me, it’s something we’ve never really discussed so I’m just not sure of what you’re feeling sometimes. Especially since you mentioned you weren’t sure what you were feeling for me.”

(Keep in mind that during this conversation we are basically whispering back and forth to each other while he caresses my back and plays with my hair)

Him: “I like you. Obviously.”

Me: (laughing) “Well, I like you too.”

Him: “No, I mean I really, really like you. A lot. You’re so sweet and amazing. And I like you a lot.”

Me: “I like you a lot too of course.”

Him: “You know what I mean though by saying that.”

Me: “Uh, that you like me?”

Him: “No, not just like you. But I don’t want to scare you away by saying it so fast.”

(I finally realized what exactly he meant)

Me: “That’s something you say when you really want to. Don’t say it if you aren’t ready because that’s something that carries a lot of meaning and responsibility.”

He then leans me back and smiles, “You’re so mature for your age it blows my mind.” He then leans into me so I’m holding him against me.

Him: “I want to say it but I just don’t want to scare you.”

Me: “You wouldn’t scare me but you’ll say it when you’re ready.”

He then again leans back and looks at me while pushing my hair back behind my ear.

Him: “So when are we going to make this thing official?”

Me: “Make what official?”

Him: “Oh don’t play dumb! You know what. This. Us. Are you ready for this to be the real thing?”

I stare back at him, contemplating between kissing him and slapping him. Really Russian?

Me: “I would really like that. I’d like it more if it was something you wanted as well.”

Him: “I wouldn’t be asking if it wasn’t. So, are you going to be my girlfriend? Officially and everything?”

Me: “I would really like to be. Yes.”

Him: “Good, that’s exactly what I wanted to hear. Now, how do you want to tell people? Just tell our friends or would you like to make it “FaceBook official?” Because I’m okay with either one.”

Me: “To be honest, I’d like both. That way people will know and we won’t have to do a huge announcement.”

He then proceeds to take his mobile phone out and post it on Facebook. When it asks for your anniversary date he jokingly says, “Well should we put 2013? Because technically that’s when we started seeing each other.”

I glare at him and remind him that he’d have to put a break up one around December till February for when he disappeared. He laughed and asked if I’d ever let that go. I’m sure you can guess that answer dear reader.

Well after we cuddled more and talked he asked if I was tired and ready for bed. I did have work the next morning and was a little tired. So he took me to my room and we laid in bed together with him holding me. He then asks me if I’m really sure it’s what I want to be with him, I tell him yes of course it is. We then do that gross thing couples do when they go back and forth saying why they want the other person. We do this and just kiss until we both pass out.

The next morning we talked about it some because I wanted to make sure he still felt the same way and wasn’t making a mistake. And in typical Russian fashion he said no but he was a little worried about my job and if they would say anything. I reminded him they knew about him and it was okay. Well we leave my house, I’m in my car and he’s in his truck. This was our conversation that morning:

Him: “I’m worried for you that it says it’s me”

Me: “Well then take it off.”

Him: “I want it to say you’re taken though :)”

Him: “Check yours”

Him: “Were you not worried about work?”

That’s when I saw he took the names off the relationship status. It said we were both taken but no names.

Me: “Not really since they know about you.”

Him: “Want me to put it back then?”

Me: “That’s up to you.”

Him: “Be careful!” (I had passed him on the road)

Him: “Let’s leave it for people like your nosy friend lol”

Me: “Leave it like it is?”

Him: “It’s up to you”

Him: “I was kidding as in leave it so she still can’t see who you’re dating just to rub it in.”

Me: “She can’t see anything, I blocked her remember?”

Him: “Is that a real question?”

Me: “It’s rhetorical, I know you don’t remember anything lol”

Me: “Let’s just leave it, that’s obvious you feel better doing it that way.”

Him: “Only if it doesn’t bug you in the slightest”

Me: “It doesn’t. You don’t work for the company, you left. So it’s not an issue they can even bring up. Plus, like I said they know about you.”

Him: “So add it?”

At this point my level of aggravation was so high my coworkers were concerned something was really wrong.

Me: “Lol is it what you want to do? I don’t want you to add it if it bugs you. It doesn’t bother me at all but I don’t want you to add it if it isn’t what you want.”

Him: “It’s just less for the nosey people to talk about…it’s blowing up btw lol”

Me: “Okay.”

I had decided at that point when I saw him again in person I would suggest he rethink this relationship if he was already worried about my work seeing it. Then he texted me.

Him: “Check your Facebook”

I look to see he had added me to his relationship status.

Me: “I appreciate that.”

Him: “It obviously didn’t shut anyone up so what’s the point lol”

So there you go. This whole thing is now completely official and the Russian is now…mine I guess you could say. And in turn I’m his, which is what I have been wanting for a while now.

This is the part where I break the post into two parts. I’ll be posting the second part shortly dear readers!

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One Year

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One year. One year since the giant debacle with the Russian came to a screeching halt. One year of so many ups, downs, confusions, feelings and many other descriptive words.

It’s been since September that I’ve done an actual post and I’m so sorry. Life gets to be so hectic sometimes but so much has actually happened. Some good and some bad, which is pretty much the usual way things go for this relationship with the Russian.

So I will say that the Russian officially left the company that we both work for. He was having countless issues and a better job opportunity came up so he took it. I’m very happy for him and know he’s going to do great with the company. I had voiced a concern about it to him that starting this new job would be an easy way for him to get me out of his life. He actually said it before I could finish my sentence and he didn’t want me to feel that way. We’ve had the exclusive talk which we both agreed to be exclusive. Tried to have the “title/what are we” talk, didn’t go very well or as planned. But I can understand where he comes from, he’s been damaged so much emotionally and it doesn’t help he sometimes has to think about how this relationship began. Plus, it has only been since May that I ended my almost six year relationship. And I’ve only been living on my own for about five months.

But if I can, I’d like to just fully express how I’m feeling about this entire situation. It will probably help to get this out now so I can come back to it later. When I’m not about to be done with my period and full of extra emotions and I’m rambling already, sorry!

I’m starting to get that feeling in the pit of my stomach that maybe this won’t turn out like I had hoped. That maybe he will decide he doesn’t want this or just pull another disappearing act. I’ve had a few people tell me it’s obvious that cares for me and even has the big “L” word when it comes to me. But he has so many emotional and trust issues that I also have to go against at the same time. There are moments when he is affectionate like I need and I can honestly see the relationship beginning to actually take form. Other times, it’s so hard for me to read him that I don’t know where anything is even going.

He has called himself by “boyfriend” before but then when I asked about a title in the relationship he basically explained to me again his emotional issues and why he doesn’t want to rush anything with this. Only because we’ve been out and “dating” for just a few months.

We still do have amazing sex, at one point we were spending Friday to Sunday together. Going on dates, drinking and having sex multiple times a day like teenagers and it was amazing. It was probably the happiest months I’ve had in years. But of course, as my luck has it, he starts to either overthink things or get scared of the commitment that would follow. I think in his mind it isn’t a good way to start a relationship with so much sex. He’s even said that to me when we discussed something he had said previously. Now I let him initiate things and I don’t do it at all anymore. No more, “May I suck your dick sir?” because I’m not sure if I should or if he wouldn’t like that. Remember how open, affectionate and talkative he was over the summer? He’s changed from that.

He rarely kisses anymore which completely upsets me. I absolutely love to kiss, it’s how I show affection and how I like to receive it. So when we don’t kiss it makes me feel bad about myself. Mainly because it reminds me of how past relationships would go, the guy is always the one who stops with the affection and I’m left doubting myself. I’ve brought this up and he claims he is still “learning” on how to be affectionate that way. In his mind maybe affection is just reserved for sex and can’t be just a normal thing. Who knows? He is starting to try and figure out what some of his issues come from and he thinks they are more spiritual.

I can understand how he feels but I guess I just take the brunt of him going through all this. Because we go from spending almost every day together, with many sleepovers, to only seeing each other two to three times a week. Now, I know he started a new job and we do talk daily. I think I just miss how his schedule use to be, he has to get to work so early and it’s hard to have late nights with me.

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Am I being ridiculous? I really believe he wants to be with me but I think it’s so hard reading those emotions of his and just wondering what he wants. I’m also torn because I view him as my boyfriend, and I’m sure he views me as his girlfriend, so I tell him little things I’m doing if he asks and he tells me what he’s doing. I still never text him first, it’s something I don’t think I’ll ever really change.

Shit. I hate going through this right now. It doesn’t help we still haven’t done the introduction to our parents. I’ve met his father at different events but he’s never intentionally taken me to meet his family. I haven’t either but I told him I wanted to bring him after he introduced me to his. Again, he told me he had rushed that phase before and would be completely invested in the relationship then the girl would just leave him. I instantly wanted to roll my eyes because, hello, how long has this thing been going on? Obviously I’m not going to just leave him. Maybe strangle him, but not just leave.

Some weeks are better than others and maybe that’s just the cause of this relationship and how it all started. I’m not sure. I do know I want things to work with him and I want to help him the best I can. I thought dating men in their 30s would be less complicated; apparently this 20something wasn’t quite right.

Any thoughts on the situation? I know I haven’t posted in so long and I’m leaving out a lot of details. I’ll be able to talk about those a little later. I’m proud to say my company has finally released the block for WordPress. This does make my life even better! I’m so happy to be back, dear readers and I hope I don’t disappoint!

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