And the Clock Keeps Ticking….


Wow, it has been a while since I last blogged! With the craziness of the holidays, work and my birthday I think time just slipped away. Well, when we last discussed what was going on the Russian was still very random with his conversations with me. Well, the week of Christmas he spoke to me the most he has in well over a month. I unfortunately lost a close family friend over the holidays and he found out about and told me he was here for me if I needed him, which of course, I didn’t go to him for any kind of comforting. Then on Christmas day he sent me a “Merry Christmas!” text, which in response I just sent the same thing to him.

Well the next day I was off from work that afternoon and our conversation went like his:

Him: “Anyone at work today?”

Me: “I left at 12. It was literally a ghost town.”

Him: “I’m almost there.”

Me: “I went this morning and was bored out of my mind.”

Him: “I had 1 vacation day left so I figured two halves would be more bearable. I was going crazy Monday.”

Him: “Have you seen the Hobbit yet?”

Me: “I had a half day today and then I took tomorrow off.”

Me: “No I haven’t seen it yet.”

Him: “That’s right, you haven’t seen the first one huh?”

Me: “No, I think this on will be more interesting though. The other one put me to sleep.”

Him: “I’m shocked!”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “I loved the first one…and I thought you shared good movie judgment!”

Me: “I have excellent movie judgment! I guess I didn’t give it a fair chance and just fell asleep lol.”

Him: “That I can live with”

Me: “Oh I’m so relieved.”

Him: (He sends this like grumpy face emoji)

Me: (I send the sly face emoji)

Him: “Don’t give me that sly look.”

Me: “I believe I already did.”

Him: “You heard me”

Me: (I then sent my glare emoji)

Alright so that was our conversation Thursday. Now let me say in my own defense, I have an amazing taste in movies. My personal movie collection is vast and absolutely amazing. I had attempted to watch the Hobbit late one night and just all the brightness and cheerfulness of it kind of bored me a little bit. So I fell asleep. I know it probably gets better and that I’ll love it. I just wanted to clear that up!!

Well the next day he told me “Happy Birthday!!” and I just sent back a thank you text. I figured that would be that for the day. Well to my surprise it wasn’t.

Him: (He sends me this funny picture)

Me: “Hahaha that’s awesome”

Him: “Funny enough for a rare fb post lol”

Me: “Lol that’s true. Is that in town?”

Him: “Yeah ____”

Me: “Figures lol”

Him: “Reallllly funny!”

Me: “It’s pretty hilarious!”

Him: “Birthday plans?”

Me: “I haven’t really thought of anything big besides going somewhere to drink.”

Him: “We may try Sully’s and Stand.”

Me: “I haven’t been to Stand yet. Is it any good?”

Him: “Heard it was but I haven’t been inside”

Me: “I never go uptown anymore so I forget about those places.”

Him: “I’m tired of the usual places and smoke.”

Him: “_____ smoke blows”

Me: “Oh I refuse to go anywhere smoky, it’s just gross.”

Him: “Same for me”

Him: “Where do you go?”

Now at this point in the conversation I’m starting to get curious. Because we have discussed bars and hangout places early on when we were getting to know each other.

Me: “It’s been usually JJs but I got tired of it. And I cant be in smoky bars cause I’ve been sick.”

Me: “Otherwise I can kind of stand smoky places if they aren’t packed.”

Him: “Shitty choices we have”

Me: “Yep, the joys of a boring city.”

Him: “I haven’t been to that new Indian place yet.”

Me: “It’s pretty cool, the food kind of sucks.”

And that was the end of that conversation for the day. Well that night I went out for dinner and drinks with several of my friends. I had a pretty good time, lots of laughs and inappropriate jokes. The next day goes by and I go out to one of the places he mentioned he was going to the night before. I was a little weary of running into him. Especially since the boyfriend does kind of know him, not on a friend basis but just through other people. Thankfully, no run ins and the night goes on without any problems.

The next morning the boyfriend and I get up to go get breakfast. As soon as I sit down my phone goes off.

Him: “How was your bday? Where’d ya go?”

Me: “It was a good one. I just wanted to do dinner and drinks Friday, my best friend had to work the next do. And then last night I went to Sully’s.”

Him: “Sounds like a good weekend. My buddy and I went to _____ Friday night til about 10 then Stand, Sully’s and another bar. Last night I just watched the game.”

(Also, we apparently were at the same resturant Friday night. I’m not sure if he saw me or not but I didn’t see him there so he probably didn’t. Which is a shame because, not to be full of myself, but I looked smoking hot that night.)

Him: (He sends me a picture)

Me: I heard about that, didn’t a guy break something?”

Him: You didn’t see the pic I sent?”

Me: “I just did haha that looks pretty fucking painful.”

Him: “His foot is 90 degrees out of place”

Him: “Snap!”

Me: “I’m sure he immediately regretted that decision lol”

Him: “Uh yeah lol”

Me: “Lol I would like to have seen his face as that shit was happening”

Him: “He was screaming and it was flopping around”

Me: “Oh gross lol so apparently the do kick fairly hard”

Him: “We were all screaming lol it was pretty gnarly”

Me: “I would imagine so lol the idea of that makes me cringe”

And there you go people. That was about a day and a half ago, since then I haven’t heard from him. I’m not sure if he is just talking to me to be nice or if he is attempting to get back into my good graces again. In all honesty it is nice speaking to him because we had good conversations together and got on really well.

Oh and for those who have been following this saga and are wondering about my movies I still have not gotten those back, I mentioned this to my mum and she told me just to go buy some more. If you didn’t guess she is not his biggest fan at the moment.

Things with the boyfriend are exactly the same. He really upset me when I told him my family friend passed away I got pretty sad and almost started crying in public. He told me to just stop and have fun because he wasn’t ready to leave the bar yet. I finally put my foot down and said I wanted to go home that I couldn’t stay in public like this. Granted, he was kinder when we got home but just the fact he didn’t understand to just bring me home then really bothers me.

Truthfully, I know the reason I haven’t just left him is because I’m simply terrified of being alone. It is such a petty fear but it is very true. Who wants to be alone? Plus, I obviously have terrible judgment when it comes to men.

Since the holidays are finally over I can keep everything more up to date than I have been! Until then, take care and have a Happy New Year!!

An Endless Cycle…Apparently.


I’m sorry I have neglected writing the past few days! Adult life can get so busy sometimes. Add in the fact I can’t really write when I’m home since this is a “secret” blog. Where I left off last time was waiting on the Russian to return my movies. That was a week ago. And as of today I still have not gotten them back from him. He still randomly will text me. He sent me a message about cupcakes last week, asking if I had brought some because they looked like some I’ve brought in the past.

The most recent conversation was Sunday. He has been building his house and doing the finishing touches on his bathroom, which he included my opinions in designing it. Douche. So he sent me a picture of the bathroom finished:

Me – “It looks really good finished.”

Him – “Thank you 🙂 I’m so glad to be done”

Him “That was a bitch of a project to do alone”

Me – “I would think so, seems like a pain in the ass.”

Him – “Very messy”

Me – “At least it is done now.”

Him – “Yep and saved about 1500-2000 doing it myself”

Me – “That’s good you saved that much”

Insert Gollum meme I sent him

Him – “LMAO”

Him – “I used a golem quote earlier”

Me – “That’s just nerdy.”

Him – “My buddy said ‘They is crazy’ and I said ‘yes precious, they is’ lol”

Me – “Lol nice”


And that was it for that conversation. Nothing about my movies, what he did or anything I’m not quite sure why he keeps this up. I recently told my best friend about this and said “You know, he hit it and quit it….so he needs to just quit it.” I still feel like this is true. He took time out of his life and mine pretending to care about getting to know me. I mean he literally told me all kinds of things about himself, his family, life, dreams and all this shit for nothing. That’s what bothers me the most because I really began to like him. And he would make a great friend to have but apparently I was wrong.

I try to keep the conversations kind of distant; I’m not going to through in my usual happy exclamation marks or emojis after all this. Even though I want to and I was so excited about his bathroom, I have to remind myself to keep my distance.

Well things with the boyfriend are on a seesaw it seems. One day things are good and then others I’m reminded of why I have the feelings I just want to leave. He can be so attentive at one moment and then another it is just like I’m in the background.

I feel so torn by what I’ve done and it is starting to eat away at me. My mom thinks I should wait till after the holidays to really tell him how I’ve been feeling and suggest moving out. She knows me well because she knows the main reason I didn’t really end things before is because I’m terrified of being alone. And the incident with the Russian doesn’t help me feel better about that. It’s not going to be a very happy holiday season for me with all this on my mind but I’m hoping it gets better.

I’m sure if I had my movies I’d be a little happier.

And It Continues




So last night the Russian contacted me and actually attempted to hold a conversation with me. My phone had died so I stuck it on the charger and went about doing laundry and various other nighttime chores. I check my phone and see his name.


Charles Manson history on LMN…Channel….”


I instantly stop what I’m doing. First off, in our months of talking to each other I confessed my secret fondness for learning about serial killers and documentaries about them. So not only did he see this and think of me, he wanted to share.


I responded:


He’s the perfect example of what too much LSD can do to you.”


He writes back:


It’s pretty interesting.”


The conversation continues with us discussing Manson’s women and how insane they are. Then he brings up a football team we both like and how they are doing. The conversation ends. It lasted for maybe an hour? At no point did he mention the fact he hasn’t spoken to me in a week or the fact he blew me off after having sex for the third time.


Insert this morning, I head to work and try to prepare myself for the inevitable run ins. I get a text message from him:


Brought your movies today.”


I should mention I left my favorite movies at his house several weeks ago, I had forgotten about them until recently. I was ready to accept the fact I’d never see them again. I respond to him with a simple, “Cool,” and I have yet to hear anything else from him. He hasn’t come by my office to drop them off or asked me to meet at one of our vehicles. I have a feeling he’s going to want to meet because he can’t openly hand me movies without questions being asked around the office.


Now the wait continues to see how this progresses. The sad part is, I just want to have an honest talk with him and maybe try and get back what was there but I know I won’t because I simply got played.


Ugh, this sucks.

Where Has the Time Gone?


Five years. Five long, sometimes happy, years is how long I’ve been with the boyfriend. We are your American dream couple. Young, college-educated, good looking (except in the mornings), we both have good jobs with steady incomes. We are both children of divorce and the only children as a result of our parents’ marriages. I have twin brothers from my mom and stepdad, he is a legitimate only child.

We met the usual college way, in a local bar through friends. My friends knew some of his and vice-versa. Insert your usual bar talk, likes and dislikes of the music, college plans, relationship status and all the fun stuff. I do remember asking if he was a psychopath because my last ex was one and I couldn’t deal with two in a row. Thankfully, he isn’t crazy.

Our relationship blossomed fairly nicely. We both had exes constantly trying to interfere with the new relationship which did cause us to have some fights. We moved in with each other fairly quickly. Actually, he moved in with me to be correct. We got a dog together about four months into the relationship. I know, I know we moved really fast with each other. I see that now.

As the relationship grew we started to not only love each other more but we learned things about each other. I am not a clean freak like my mom, if something needs to be done I’d do it but it wasn’t first on my list. He realized he does not like this about me. The main argument in our relationship is that factor. I will admit I have gotten much better at it and he knows but it will probably always be that way with me. I noticed fairly early that for a young man his age he isn’t very…sexual. It is usually me that initiates anything with him. Except lately. Since the Russian I just don’t feel right and I’ve pretty much used any and every excuse in the book to get out of it. Which is very odd for me because I LOOOOVEEE sex. Any way, any where and almost any how I enjoy it.

So let’s forward to year two, maybe three, in the relationship. New apartment, new jobs, he has just graduated from college and I’m still in school. I noticed he was getting much more protective over his phone. Now I’m not one to dig and go through people’s stuff without a reason to. And this pretty much screamed, “Do it!” I go through his phone and unfortunately, I strike gold. A girl he graduated with had been texting him some slightly inappropriate things. “I miss getting to hang out” things like that. I don’t mention it because I’m trying to think of a reasonable way to bring it up. The next day after we go out I check it again. Low and behold he sent a “I wish you could have been there last night” and I kind of lost it.

He found out I looked through his phone and attempted to say I was overreacting. So I said the usual, if I did it you would be pissed statement and he didn’t disagree. Well that really put a damper on the relationship at that point. I no longer trusted him and I was pretty pissed too. He is world renowned for shoving shit under the rug and pretending everything is fine. We have huge arguments and the next day he acts like it’s nothing and everything is all good.

So I say fast-forward six months. And we are at year four, maybe close to that. It had been a rough summer for year three. He was always going out, either bringing me with him or dropping me off at the house. I did and still do blame this on his particular single friend, Frank. Once Frank became single things really changed. All the boyfriend wanted to do was go out, drink and repeat all weekend long. I finally told him how miserable I was with this schedule and how I didn’t think I could anymore. I even told him, “If you want to be single that’s fine, I’m sick of this and I just need to know.” He did his usual I’m sorry dance, taking me out to dinner and paying attention to me. This usually lasts about two weeks. I did this dance for the rest of the year. Anytime I didn’t feel like staying out later or staying in he would tell me I wasn’t fun or I was acting like his mom. I slowly starting just doing whatever he wanted and not asking questions or complaining. Because if I complained, I would never hear the end of it. I think I had lost my will to fight at this point.

I graduated during year four and it didn’t seem like a big event for him. The night before my graduation he went out till about 3 am, got pretty drunk and came home. He was my ride to graduation that morning so he got up, took to graduation then went back home. He managed to change and get to graduation in time. No flowers or card for me after. He didn’t get a card till right before and wrote in it while I watched. He didn’t get me even a little gift because he didn’t think it could be better than my parents’ gift. I just accepted it and moved on. I didn’t make a big deal out of it.
I got to go on a trip out of town with my mom as a birthday gift and the night before he had people over till 2 am. Knowing I had to be up at 4:45 am to get ready to catch my flight. We didn’t even have goodbye sex. At this point I think we were at a month or so with no sex. I just left and he was fine with it. We barely spoke while I was gone, if I tried to call he wouldn’t answer or whatever. I return for my trip and have an interview for my current job. I get the job and am so excited over it. Did we have any celebration? Nope because Frank already had plans and that was what we were doing.

Go two months later, he goes on a weekend trip out of town with Frank and other guys. He barely talks to me during this trip. Which is fine I was busy and had shit to do. He comes back home later than night and of course we do nothing together just Hello and Good night. The next weekend we were supposed to go to my parents’ house and the night before we got in a fight while out. He brings me to the house and I thought we would both be going in. To my surprise, he is just dropping me off at 2 am so he can continue staying out because “I’m being horrible to be around and ruining his night.” I just say I’m sorry and okay and go into the house. He stays out till 6 am, comes home and goes to sleep on the couch without telling me he is even home. I get up and see he isn’t there so I go into the living room and just say, “You come home and don’t even tell me? I’ve been worried sick all night.”

He gets up to go help Frank with some stupid fucking thing and tells me he may or may not be going with me today. I get immediately upset by this, I call my best friend and tell her I really feel like this is the end of our relationship. I go by and see him at Frank’s before I leave and just tell him bye. I get to my parents’ house and just sink into a depression. He calls me and tells me he’s going out and he misses me and our dogs. I take an ambien and pass out.

The next day I stay with my mom till probably 6 or 7 pm that night. When I get to the house he is getting there at the same time. We eat and then I start the inevitable conversation about us. One thing leads to another and we say we probably should take a break and probably not live together anymore. Now you may wonder how a couple goes on a break all while living together. Let me tell you, it isn’t easy or fun. Plus, having to go to work the next day unable to control my crying and swollen, red eyes is just not professional. Thankfully, I was working with just women so they all understood and left me to just work in my office with little interruption except to check if I was still okay. The days went on terribly slow, me in one bedroom and him in the other. He had slowly started moving his clothes and bathroom stuff into the other room and bathroom. We barely talked and I became a clean freak. I spent the afternoon of the second day cleaning the walls and baseboards. Mainly to keep my mind occupied while he proceeded to hang out with Frank every, single night.

That weekend was the worst weekend for me. He went out every night, I had to deal with my first tire blowout and he left me on the side of the highway waiting for a tow truck and then he went out without coming home till the next afternoon.

Now, I have never been one to freak out and chase someone. If a person doesn’t want to speak to me I just deal with it and I won’t speak to that person. So the night he didn’t return home I barely got any sleep. I texted twice and called once. His phone was dead and I knew that. I had called my mom and was just a hot mess of emotions. I was in the process of packing a bag to go stay with them for a few days when he showed up. I just looked at him and said, “So you’re alive and okay?” and he of course was being all apologetic and I, once again, just took it no questions asked. Even though now I know better and should have been in a rage.

So we slowly get back together and things get better for a while. Then it just slowly regressed to how it has always been: barely any affection, no date nights, very little sex, etc. Insert the Russian a little later and then we are here. After our last fight about him doing the same thing that happened last summer he’s been more affectionate and trying more but I know it will have the same end result.
By the way, still no sex. I haven’t had any since the Russian last month. I’m an incredibly cranky young lady but I’m tired of initiating and either being turned down or not getting what I want.

That’s It?


So apparently either the Russian is an idiot or just trying to make himself feel better about the situation. So after not speaking to me for about two weeks I had the inevitable run in at the office. He was in his vehicle and I had just parked mine at the office. He was blocking the drive way so I had to walk past his truck with him in it. I summed up all my strength and just walked (well strutted) past his truck. I didn’t even look his way.

Unexpectedly I received a text from him:

“Not even a wave?”

“Did you honestly expect a wave, really?”

“Yea I did.”

“Well I don’t see how you could possibly have expected one but okay.”

And that was it. I never imagined a grown man could be so stupid or just pretend to be. Well after I regained my calmness and fought off the urge to go upstairs and slap him I was fine.

The boyfriend and I had been continuing our usual pretending things were fine. Over the weekend he pulled his old shit, consisting of him going out without me and not coming home till 4 or 5 in the morning. Not that I care he goes out but he doesn’t talk to me at all. He did this Wednesday night; he was out till 4 am claiming he lost his keys. I haven’t talked about this relationship yet but he always has forgotten about me in many ways. I’m always a second thought when it comes to my needs.

Well Thursday morning the Russian sends me a funny meme. I read it and don’t respond. He texts,

Don’t pretend you didn’t laugh!”

My response was, “It is funny.”  

And then he sends, “That’s what I thought!”

I breakdown and send him a funny meme in return which he responds with “Lmao!”

And that was that until I actually ran into him in the office. Thankfully we had our Ugly Christmas sweater party and I looked pretty cute I must say. I was mid walk when he came around the corner and I instantly had an eyebrow go up. This is an uncontrollable thing for me when I run into someone I don’t like. He was holding a plate full of food and he says Hi to me and I just nod. He then stops and smiles at me and says, “Don’t judge me!” I just said “Uh huh” and continued walking. I’m pretty proud that I never stopped walking during this exchange.

I feel like one of those idiot girls who gets hung up on a douche bag. Which use to be my MO when I was a young 18 year old and naïve but I learned my lesson. It probably would be easier if we didn’t work together. If I didn’t love my job and finally be in a field my degree is in I probably would consider just leaving. I won’t of course, I love my job.

I still feel emotions when it comes to the Russian and I wish I didn’t. I know what he did was fucked up and that if given the opportunity to sleep with me again he would probably try it. Of course, if I go another month without sex it could possibly happen. Shit.

That afternoon I had yet another talk with the boyfriend and it was the same stuff all over again. I feel like he’s starting to cling to me because he can sense I am distancing myself from him. Which sucks because my normal self is so affectionate and loving. I can’t bring myself to just leave him yet. I’m trying to wait till after the holidays have ended. I’ve slowly started the process of looking for my own place to live, but I want to find something I can commit to before I tell him I’m leaving. Because I know how awkward it is to live with someone while broken up since we did that earlier in the year.

It is so hard for me to believe that my feelings for this guy have changed so much over the past year. I literally was madly in love with him but I don’t if I finally realized what was going on in the relationship or that I woke up and saw that just because we are perfect on paper doesn’t mean that’s enough.

I know that no relationship is perfect and that we all have our moments but I still feel like there should be some sort of passion still there for the person. I’m extremely passionate and I love sex so the fact that we have pretty much stopped doing anything sexual or passionate really weighs heavily on me.

Plus I also now realize that if I cheated now it could happen again if I allowed it as I had allowed it with the Russian. Who I fucking either want to punch or kiss at this point and it is mainly because I haven’t been kissed in a few days and I miss it.

Love Triangle

Love Triangle

Something I always believed in was if you can find that one person who completed you, your life would be wonderful and no matter what you can make through anything.

Apparently, I believed incorrectly.

I have been in a committed relationship for the past five years. It’s fairly serious, I mean, we have furniture and animals together. It’s as close to a marriage as you can get without the paperwork. Unfortunately, we are both in our young to mid 20s and act like we are really in our 70s. By that, I mean barely any sex life, arguments over which brand of milk to get and an uncool acceptance of each others bodily functions and fluids. I have loved this man unconditionally for so long, however, I had also allowed myself to stop putting myself first. And so did he.

Slowly but surely we drifted apart at one point during this year. Things got of track and we lost sight of ourselves and each other. Insert a typical break (break up) scenario, all while still living together. Eventually, as expected, we got back together and things were okay. Just for a little while.

Insert the third side of the triangle. I’ll call the Russian. The Russian and I work together, thankfully not in the same departments or on the same floor. At some point in time the Russian and I started flirting. Pretty innocent at first, funny emails and the occasional poking fun at each other. That all changed when he gave me a compliment that should have made me set him straight. Instead, I let it continue.

It continued to the exchange of phone numbers. Then the exchange of text messages. It all started sooooooo innocent. Questions about work, life, dreams, goals and all that jazz. Several lunches filled with curiosity and laughter. Then it took a turn for the….inappropriate. Sex became a topic of discussion, not sex with each other, just in general. This lead of course, to questions about my relationship. I wasn’t satisfied with the lack of attention I was getting and the Russian seemed eager to discuss that with me. He cared to know about the relationship and how things had progressed to where they had gotten.

Insert the first hangout outside of work, insert alcohol and what do you get? Back rubs, ass grabs and an unexpected make out session. It had been so long since someone had kissed me like that I didn’t know what to do. I could blame it on the alcohol, but I wasn’t that drunk. I want to blame it on the way he smelled and the fact he had been grabbing my ass and pulling my hair playfully. But in all honesty, I just wanted to feel wanted again. I wanted the feeling of a man who knew what he wanted from me and showed me how he wanted it. After that moment, I knew I was fucked.

Things intensified, I was having more “girl nights” and “shopping trips” just to spend time with the Russian. We were only kissing and it was amazing. Two things about the Russian, he’s an older man and he is a fucking amazing kisser. I couldn’t get enough of it. That’s all I wanted was to kiss him, nothing else even mattered. We spent our time watching movies and getting to know each other. He was so kind and sweet on me. Always wanting to love on me and make sure I was feeling good and having fun. From playing with my hair, kissing my forehead and giving me massages.

As things always do they escalated further, one night after drinking things finally got more sexual. I finally was introduced to the….other Russian. Now, I have not had sexual relations with that many men. Not that I’m a prude but I value myself and what I’ve got. So, back to the other Russian. Oh. My. God. From the moment I just touched it with my hands I couldn’t stop.

Things progressed slowly from there. I still never let him touch my nether region. He could mess with the top and grab the ass all he wanted, but that I wasn’t going to let happen.

One of the first nights I spent at his home was just intense. He never actually touched me but he gave me so many orgasms I was shocked. Maybe it was the fact I hadn’t had that happen in a long time or just the fact it was inappropriate. Whatever the reason it happened. Still no sex at this point. I gave him a few things and that was amazing to the both of us.

This carried on for a few more weeks. This “affair” had been going on for, let’s say, two to three months at this point. My boyfriend had and has no idea about any of this.

One night things progressed further and faster than I would have liked. I had too much to drink and so had he. One thing led to another and we had sex. Twice. In one night. I was disappointed that I let it happen but it was still amazing. The next day, I barely heard from him.

I was so disappointed that I let this happen. The next day, I didn’t hear from him until later in the day. And let me say, we would talk all day, every day. Texting nonstop and sharing things with each other. He always was talking to me. Hell, we kept each other up at night with the texting. Well the topic of the sex we had came up and it was weird at first but then things went back to normal once we talked about it. A weekend rendezvous was being planned and I thought things were going along smoothly. Or so I fucking thought.

About halfway through the week, we decided to have a Wednesday movie night. And of course, we had sex and various other activities. Insert an after sex shower and movie. I thought things ended well. We cuddled afterwards, the Russian played with my hair as usual. Great. I leave to go home, feeling perfectly fine. Besides the fact I had committed to cheating and deceiving my boyfriend.

I hear nothing from the Russian, he tells me he dropped something off in my office and checks to make sure I got it. I ask about the weekend….he might be busy. Sign number one shit is up.

I just say okay and move on.

Four days later I hear from him. One thing and that is it. And now we are at a week later and still nothing.

I am a combination of pissed, disappointed and just upset. Here I am in this relationship with another guy and had actually been thinking of maybe being with this guy. This Russian who did nothing but apparently play me.

What makes it worse is the fact I called it from the beginning. I even admitted to him I thought of him as a player. My gut feeling has always been right. I haven’t had the time to really grieve and get over this because of the fact I live with my boyfriend.

So I’ve been dealing with mixed emotions. My boyfriend has been trying harder lately to win my affection back. (I will write about our relationship in my next blog.) But with the Russian I actually thought I could see something with us. I thought this “man” could actually be more to me than just an office flirt.

Now, not only to I have to deal with getting played. I have to deal with getting played by a coworker. Thankfully in the past week I have not seen him. I’ve had to drive past him a few times. Once he did a quick turn around and followed me back to the office. He didn’t attempt to speak to me, but I didn’t let him have that opportunity so I’m not sure of his reasoning. I dread the moment I actually have to see him face to face. I am a pretty strong person, but at this point I would be tempted to either slap him or just glare.

I’m just confused. And fucked. Literally. I know what I did was bad and I know it is relationship ending thing. At the same time, it is as if I will soon be dealing with two relationships ending. I can’t see myself continuing my relationship with my current boyfriend without him knowing. Everyday it weighs more and more on me.

I have very few people I’ve talked about this. Two. Neither of them understand what happened. If I could copy some of the texts on here I would. A player wouldn’t invest that much time in someone like the Russian did. A player wouldn’t talk about future things and tell me personal things. Or would they? I just don’t know.

And I am not the one to cheat. I never have before. Not even during any of my high school relationships. Hell, I was the one cheated on most of the time. I know how it feels but for some reason I let this happen.

I’m just looking for advice on what to do. Do I bring it up with him or do I just keep it all to myself and ignore him when I see him? Eventually I am going to have to see the Russian. I’m going to have to look into his eyes and keep my calmness about me.

I’m just hoping that day isn’t tomorrow.