Keeping Score


Ten days. 240 hours. 14400 minutes.

That’s how long it has been since I last heard from the Russian. And I wouldn’t even consider that a conversation, just an “Ok” and that was it.

I spent the night with this “man” last Saturday. From about 9 pm to 10:30 am I was with him. Not only was I with him but he was sweet on me, touching me and all that stupid touchy feely shit. Gave him how many blowjobs? Oh that’s right, FOUR.


Do I sound pissed? Because I am.

I’m not hurt or sad, I’m pissed. Pissed I once again let a guy just use me for his own needs. Instead of being honest and telling me what he wanted he lied and made me believe there was something there.

This is why I fear being single. All these ridiculous games one plays for no other reason but to get what they want. What’s sad is I use to be able to play these games and I didn’t even like doing it.

I’m sick of men and their stupid fucking games, because we all know they continue to get away with it and probably always will. Why? I believe if a woman confronted a man about it he would turn it completely around on her and make her feel like shit. WHY? Because they know we tend to be emotional creatures and if we feel we have hurt someone or something stupid like that we will cave.


The funny part? Not all women are emotional creatures. I may have moments when I feel emotional or get sad. Those are few and far between. The majority of the time I get annoyed and aggravated when people try to play on me emotions.

Like when the Russian told me, “That’s my face” one night we were together. Was him playing my emotions, because I never knew he felt that way about me. Oh wait, he didn’t. I just believed he did which caused me to really think about things with him.


Fucking asshole.

I put my relationship and future at a serious risk for HIM. And for what?? Nothing. Another notch in his headboard and another number in his count. Not only did I do that but I have such serious thoughts and regrets that I honestly have to separate from my boyfriend. Because I have seen what real passion can be like, what it should be like to feel wanted and desired.

Even if the asshole that did it is obviously just playing me.

And what’s even worse? I miss him. I miss the way he could make me laugh, I miss joking with him and just spending time with him.


Even though it is apparent that was all a game.


Disillusioned Young One – 0

Let the games continue.



Am I Really That Easy To Let Go Of?

ImageSo here we are one whole week later and still…nothing.

I’m not sure what to think or do at this point, besides wanting to slap the shit out of the Russian. As I should have known he has pulled his infamous disappearing act on me again. You would think I’d know better, at least I was expecting it this time around. One of these days I’ll learn my lesson when it comes to men like him.

I recently found a house that I absolutely adore and want. So we will see how that progresses. Things with the boyfriend are slowly getting worse; he had gone out Friday night and stayed out the entire night. Not getting back to the house till 9 am the next day. I decided to go to my parents’ house and this had been planned for a few days. I just had to get away from him and the house. It was nice just getting away and thinking. He did clean the house some on Sunday which was nice, but when I got home we immediately got into an argument and he went into one room to watch TV and I stayed in the living room.

Yesterday was St. Patty’s Day and since I’ll be going out of town today and not returning till late on Wednesday I had decided to just stay home and try to spend time with him. He wanted to go out to a bar I hate, even after I told him I wanted to spend time with him. He went out and didn’t get home till a little after midnight.


I’m happy I’ll be leaving work soon and not coming in tomorrow. I can continue playing my avoid the Russian game and the boyfriend. I almost had a run in with him this morning and he did see me. But I just waited in my car for a few minutes before I walked into the office.

Very mature of me right? Ugh.

Lesson learned; don’t sleep with your coworker. Especially if they are going to continue playing with you, leading you and then acting like you don’t fucking exist.

I also have a feeling this will be the way I act when he tries and approaches me again, which I know we all can agree with, he will:


You’re So Far Away


What is it that person a person want something? That craving urge that you just have to have something. Where does this come from? And why can’t I make it stop?

I have been asking myself lately what it is that I want? Unfortunately, I have not been able to really answer that question. One thing I want to know is why do people claim to want something, but fall away when they are close to getting what they wanted?



I feel this way right now in regards to the Russian. If you read my post from last week you’ll remember that he was (as I felt) going down the same path as before. But he spoke to me a little every day. However, over the weekend he spoke to me like before. Friday night he was texting me from 1:30 in the morning to a little after 4. He had his guy friends over gaming and he finally told me that was what he had to get things ready for. I had randomly told him I like to game too, even though I had revealed this to him when we were first getting to know each other.

He claimed I was just trying to say the right stuff and I told him I had been gaming since I was young. I did say that I’m not the best at it but I just like to play.

The next day I heard from him a little, then during the later part of the afternoon he was talking to me more. Then again he was texting me late at night while they were playing again.

Him: “You should have came and played with us”

Me: “Well I didn’t get an invitation! You’re playing again tonight?”

Him: “Yea”

Me: “Not my fault you didn’t ask me old man”

Him: “We’ll have to play one day”

Then the conversation carried on a little until I passed out. The next day he texted me during the afternoon asking what I was doing and as usual, I was cleaning on a Sunday. He said he was being lazy and that I should come take a break at his house. He then asked if I’d be able to watch a few episodes of the show we have been watching or just for a few minutes. I told him I could probably watch a few episodes before leaving.

I think this was the second Sunday we’ve ever hung out together. The last one was only because I was leaving my parents’ house and he was on my way to my house.

Now when I got there he was laying on his couch already, so I laid down in front of him and put my back against his chest. We started talking a little about what was on tv and were joking around. This was one of the times we spent together not drinking or anything. Eventually he starts the show and picks it up where we had left it off last time. When the credits were starting he made me turn to face him and made some comment about me putting my ass towards him and then he kissed me. It was fairly enough, to the point he paused the show and pulled me on top of him. He had then began to play with my breasts and eventually slowly made his way to take my bra off. Once he did that he really started fondling them at that point. Eventually we stopped kissing and he had me laying on top of him, with my head laying on his. I felt like I was hurting him so I moved down a little and put my head on his chest.



We continued to watch the show at this point. Laughing and talking at certain points together. During this point I’d kiss on his cheek or neck because I know he likes that but also I like doing that as well. He would rub on my back and squeeze my hip from time to time. Eventually we started to kiss again and things eventually picked up some speed, he started to make me…I think the term would be “grind” against him. To the point I couldn’t take it anymore so I leaned up to his ear and whispered, “May I suck your dick sir?” And he groaned and just said, “Please.”

I made my way down and started doing that to him. As usual, it was great for him and me. I didn’t want to stop and he usually lasts for a long time, I’m talking anywhere between 15 to 30 minutes and I love that. At some point he asks if he can take my shirt off and I nod my head yes. I continue sucking his dick until he comes. When he’s finished I slide myself up and lay there in his arms. He jokingly says something like all that hard work wore him out. I laugh and say something smart back. He comments on how fast my heart is beating and I remind him what I just got done doing. We lay like that for a little while and then he starts the show back up and I roll over.

I’m still topless so he continues to play with my breasts throughout that episode finishing and then the next one started. Every now and then I’d turn my head to kiss him and he’d kiss me but then he’d turn my head back to the tv. I kept playing with him about that a few times, eventually I resumed watching the show. Since I was laying in front of him he would put his hand on my hip and rub on my side. He had the arm that was under my stretched out, so every now and then I’d play with his hand and fingers; he would do the same to me.

At some point I was facing him again and we started kissing again. I eventually reached my hand down to feel him and, not surprisingly, he was hard again. After more kissing and touching he asked if I wanted to taste him again, I said yes but kept kissing him. He put his mouth next to my ear and asked me, “Will you please suck my dick again?” I moaned a little because he knows how much that turns me on. I then whispered for him to say it again, which he did, and then I started to suck his dick again.

This whole time, like last, he’s whispering little things to me and calling me baby like usual. This time it takes him about the same amount of time, maybe closer to 15 minutes to come again. He pulls me up to him afterwards and I lay next to him on my stomach, with my arms stretched up a little. He starts to massage my neck and shoulders. I eventually put my head and his chest and we lay there like that for a little bit longer.

This had been well over two hours at this point. I tell him I should probably go soon, I grab for my bra and shirt and put them both back on. He walks me to my car then kisses me and hugs me bye. He then tells me to behave myself and I tell him to do the same.

I decided to stop by the local book store and while I was browsing I realized I never told him I made it home. When I get there I text him, he asks if I got lost and I explained where I was. He called me a nerd and joked with me.

The next day I texted him first, nothing serious just something funny about me having to deal with paint fumes, he seemed concerned a little until I explained it. But then yesterday I didn’t hear from him at all, and today is Wednesday. The day we usually hang out with each other and I still haven’t heard anything from him.

This is what I’m talking about when it comes to him. Why does he do this to me? It’s so confusing sometimes. I’m not the one to go chasing after him because I felt like last week it was weird but then over the weekend things were getting back to normal. I don’t know if he’s doing his weird, awkward post get together thing. Which I wish would just stop because that is so annoying.

I just don’t know how to take him at all, and I don’t want to burden my friends with this because I feel the two who know this get tired of me talking about him.

So I’ll just vent here in the hopes someone can answer my questions for me.

Until then…



You Still Mark My Skin

ImageThe marks he left on my skin are still there and it is so hard to not look at them. I remember the night perfectly and all the fun we had. Telling me you were mine and that I was yours.

But apparently those marks will be all I have until they too disappear.

Today would be one of our usual days to see each other. I hadn’t expected to hear from him about it but he did surprise me. The Russian texted me about it yesterday morning:

Him: “Hey I’m not gonna make it this week”

(He means seeing me like we usual do)

Me: “Okay lol that’s fine”

Him: “My buddy is coming in Thursday or Friday and I have stuff I need to get done before”

Me: “Alrighty lol that’s fine old man”



I try to keep things normal and not sound harsh or upset. Because he said the last time he cancelled plans and I just said “Lol okay” he took it that I was mad.

How can a person who not even a week ago was talking to me every day and wanting me to move out to spend more time with me just do this? Was it just the sex? Is he afraid of his feelings? Or, worst case scenario, he’s seeing other people and someone else has his attention for now.

Foolishly I hope he’s just afraid of his feelings but I should be smarter about it.

So, I carry on with life. Keep looking for my own place and act like I’m not mad at my…the Russian. I don’t think mad is the right word, disappointed is better.

I have to remind myself some days, even when the Russian was present still, that I am an attractive, young woman who has a lot to offer and doesn’t need to settle. I don’t have to settle for a complacent boyfriend who is only attentive when I beg for it. I don’t have to settle for mediocrity. I don’t have to settle for bullshit answers and excuses.


I need to get out of this funk. Put a smile on my face and focus on myself and my future.

All the while thinking of the marks and secretly not wanting them to go away.  



Here We Go Again It Seems

hotmessWell it seems like the same thing that happened back in November is about to happen again. And this time I have no idea why and it hurts a lot more.

Last week we saw each other twice. One day it was for lunch, we ate together, talked and then laid down with each other. Of course, we fooled around some, no sex though. And everything was normal with us. He had a planned dinner with his family that night so we talked to each other while he was participating in that. And we were having a genuine conversation that night, discussing his family and mine. And literally every day we spoke to each other and had good conversations. It was completely normal and it was really nice.

Well Thursday we planned to see each other and we did. He asked if I would pick up some alcohol for us since he was out. I did of course and headed to his house.

At this point, my boyfriend was starting to act suspicious of what I was doing. Before he would never ask what was going on when I would be “hanging out” with my girl friends. He did that night. I explained to him what the plan was and he seemed okay with it. Well as I got to the Russians house I was a little nervous about the boyfriend.

The Russian fixed us drinks and we sat on the couch to watch the show. Now, a heads up to something, I had been on my period so I probably was letting things get to me that shouldn’t have. It seemed he wasn’t quite as affectionate as normal, I made a joke about it and we laughed it off. We ended up constantly playing with each other and tickling each other a lot. He kept telling me to watch the show when I’d kiss on him, he said because I would always say he’s distracting me from it. (I joke about it, as does he) So eventually things turn sexual, we start kissing heavily and I make my way down to suck his dick.

As I’m doing so, he is telling me that he wants to fuck me and be inside me. I had a hard time resisting that and I said something along the lines of “Not tonight” and he reaches down to reach inside my pants and I kind of squirm away. He pulls me up and asks why, I just tell him “Because” and he questions me about my need for control and if there is a reason for it. I tell him that’s not it and I want to but just…can’t right now. He looks at me and asks, “Is it that week?” I nod my head and resume my way back down to his dick. He then says, “I don’t care about that. I just want to be inside you.” I tell him I’ve never had sex during my period, which I haven’t it’s not something I care to do with the mess I assume it makes. He tells me he doesn’t care and if it makes a mess we can take a shower. I kind of shrug it off and he then says something that made me stop and confused me, “We don’t have to use one you, that’s the main reason of them. It wouldn’t bother me.” I assumed he was talking condoms and I just said, “I know you don’t care but I’ve never done that before and I don’t want to have a mess on our hands.” He tells me to go check myself and see if it’s okay. I kind of look at him and he asks if that day was the first day, I say no and he tells me it will be fine.

I go to the bathroom and…check myself; it doesn’t appear to be too bad so I go back out. He goes into the bathroom after me and I resume sitting on the couch, topless. He comes back in and says, “So is everything good?” I give a little nod and he tells me to take my pants off. I do so and he pulls a condom out, much to my relief. I like the Russian but I’m not an idiot. I climb on top of him in the reverse cowgirl position and we fuck like that, then with me on top sideways, and then normal girl on top. Eventually we move to a different area and he starts to fuck me from behind. I had been having a hard time relaxing till this point because I’m just paranoid I would leave a huge red stain on his furniture or something. Well he pulls out and I turn around, look down and thankfully there is no mess on him or me. Whew. Well he proceeds to remove the condom, stating, “See, no mess.” He asks me to suck his cock until he came. So I kneel down and proceed to do so, after he came I stand up and he grabs me and squeezes me against him.

I start to put my clothes back on and he throws his shorts back on. He comments that there was no mess and I didn’t need to be worried. Well after I pretty much just leave, it wasn’t as warm a good bye as usual but I could just be over analyzing it. I text him when I get home and he just says, “Good job ___” a nickname he calls me and then that’s it.

The next day he sends me a meme picture, I laugh at it and later send him one. He laughs at it and then I ask how his day was, since he was off.

Him: “Not bad. Worked out and since then I’ve been putting up the trim around the door and grouting the threshold. My back is not happy at all.”

Him: “Yours?”

Me: “I told you to go easy on your back old man lol and mine was okay, just the usual running around.”

And that was it for the entire day Friday, he didn’t ask about the sex like he usually would or try to hold any other conversation. So I write it off and go on with my night.

The next day went like this:

Me: “I looked at four houses today”

Him: “Any winners?”

Me: (Longish explanation of what I say, saying I loved two and was hopeful about them)

Him: “Not a bad day”

Me: “Nope”

Him: (Sends me a picture of the work he did on part of his house)

Me: “That looks really good, the color goes with the floor nicely”

Him: “Thank ya”

Me: “You did that by yourself?”

Him: “Yep”

Me: “Impressive old man, impressive”

Him: “I like the cedar look”

Me: “Yeah I do too, it’s nice”

And that’s it for Saturday. He just seemed so stand offish with me and I didn’t want to continue the conversation with him if he seems that way. The next day…nothing. I didn’t hear from him nor did I text him. Today I sent him another funny meme and he just responded with an “Lol” and nothing else.4680702886_56a6f2f5c9_z

I just don’t know how to take that at all. One minute he’s telling me his feelings and that he can’t wait till I move out and have my won place. And then now he’s acting cold with me. I’m trying not to jump to any conclusions but after being burned by him before I’m super cautious.

So what do I do? Give him a few days and just see what happens or prepare for the worst? In that case, he disappears on me again and I have to just deal with it.

Fuck. I am going to be so angry if this happens all over again and feel like a complete idiot.

Things with the boyfriend are absolutely no better. We got into a HUGE argument last night that involved me stating I had been thinking we shouldn’t live together anymore, that I just wasn’t happy and I didn’t know what would make me happy. I remind him that he pays no attention to me and only does when he wants something or if he notices I’m not all over him. Which I haven’t been since January. I told him I was tired of the fact if I wasn’t initiating everything then nothing would happen. He got upset and angry when I mentioned moving out. He said he wasn’t sure how that would work since we barely see each other and we live together. I told him exactly, we are like best friends that live together. He became really quiet at that point and I just walked away.

We slept in the same bed last night and he told me he wanted to try harder to prove that I’m a priority to him and I just broke down crying. I said, “You’ve said that before and it will last maybe two weeks and then nothing. It goes back to me feeling like I mean nothing to you. I don’t want to get my hopes up again but if you want to try then try. I can’t promise anything to you though.”

He woke up this morning like nothing was even wrong or discussed the night before.

So here I am, upset about the Russian and what he may or may not be doing. Upset with the boyfriend for finally wanting to prove himself but more than likely failing and showing me I don’t mean anything. Is it bad that I want the Russian to prove HIMSELF for once? But I have that intuition that I’ll end up disappointed by both of them.

Please, share your thoughts on all this because I have no idea on what to do next or expect.



An Endless Cycle…Apparently.


I’m sorry I have neglected writing the past few days! Adult life can get so busy sometimes. Add in the fact I can’t really write when I’m home since this is a “secret” blog. Where I left off last time was waiting on the Russian to return my movies. That was a week ago. And as of today I still have not gotten them back from him. He still randomly will text me. He sent me a message about cupcakes last week, asking if I had brought some because they looked like some I’ve brought in the past.

The most recent conversation was Sunday. He has been building his house and doing the finishing touches on his bathroom, which he included my opinions in designing it. Douche. So he sent me a picture of the bathroom finished:

Me – “It looks really good finished.”

Him – “Thank you 🙂 I’m so glad to be done”

Him “That was a bitch of a project to do alone”

Me – “I would think so, seems like a pain in the ass.”

Him – “Very messy”

Me – “At least it is done now.”

Him – “Yep and saved about 1500-2000 doing it myself”

Me – “That’s good you saved that much”

Insert Gollum meme I sent him

Him – “LMAO”

Him – “I used a golem quote earlier”

Me – “That’s just nerdy.”

Him – “My buddy said ‘They is crazy’ and I said ‘yes precious, they is’ lol”

Me – “Lol nice”


And that was it for that conversation. Nothing about my movies, what he did or anything I’m not quite sure why he keeps this up. I recently told my best friend about this and said “You know, he hit it and quit it….so he needs to just quit it.” I still feel like this is true. He took time out of his life and mine pretending to care about getting to know me. I mean he literally told me all kinds of things about himself, his family, life, dreams and all this shit for nothing. That’s what bothers me the most because I really began to like him. And he would make a great friend to have but apparently I was wrong.

I try to keep the conversations kind of distant; I’m not going to through in my usual happy exclamation marks or emojis after all this. Even though I want to and I was so excited about his bathroom, I have to remind myself to keep my distance.

Well things with the boyfriend are on a seesaw it seems. One day things are good and then others I’m reminded of why I have the feelings I just want to leave. He can be so attentive at one moment and then another it is just like I’m in the background.

I feel so torn by what I’ve done and it is starting to eat away at me. My mom thinks I should wait till after the holidays to really tell him how I’ve been feeling and suggest moving out. She knows me well because she knows the main reason I didn’t really end things before is because I’m terrified of being alone. And the incident with the Russian doesn’t help me feel better about that. It’s not going to be a very happy holiday season for me with all this on my mind but I’m hoping it gets better.

I’m sure if I had my movies I’d be a little happier.

That’s It?


So apparently either the Russian is an idiot or just trying to make himself feel better about the situation. So after not speaking to me for about two weeks I had the inevitable run in at the office. He was in his vehicle and I had just parked mine at the office. He was blocking the drive way so I had to walk past his truck with him in it. I summed up all my strength and just walked (well strutted) past his truck. I didn’t even look his way.

Unexpectedly I received a text from him:

“Not even a wave?”

“Did you honestly expect a wave, really?”

“Yea I did.”

“Well I don’t see how you could possibly have expected one but okay.”

And that was it. I never imagined a grown man could be so stupid or just pretend to be. Well after I regained my calmness and fought off the urge to go upstairs and slap him I was fine.

The boyfriend and I had been continuing our usual pretending things were fine. Over the weekend he pulled his old shit, consisting of him going out without me and not coming home till 4 or 5 in the morning. Not that I care he goes out but he doesn’t talk to me at all. He did this Wednesday night; he was out till 4 am claiming he lost his keys. I haven’t talked about this relationship yet but he always has forgotten about me in many ways. I’m always a second thought when it comes to my needs.

Well Thursday morning the Russian sends me a funny meme. I read it and don’t respond. He texts,

Don’t pretend you didn’t laugh!”

My response was, “It is funny.”  

And then he sends, “That’s what I thought!”

I breakdown and send him a funny meme in return which he responds with “Lmao!”

And that was that until I actually ran into him in the office. Thankfully we had our Ugly Christmas sweater party and I looked pretty cute I must say. I was mid walk when he came around the corner and I instantly had an eyebrow go up. This is an uncontrollable thing for me when I run into someone I don’t like. He was holding a plate full of food and he says Hi to me and I just nod. He then stops and smiles at me and says, “Don’t judge me!” I just said “Uh huh” and continued walking. I’m pretty proud that I never stopped walking during this exchange.

I feel like one of those idiot girls who gets hung up on a douche bag. Which use to be my MO when I was a young 18 year old and naïve but I learned my lesson. It probably would be easier if we didn’t work together. If I didn’t love my job and finally be in a field my degree is in I probably would consider just leaving. I won’t of course, I love my job.

I still feel emotions when it comes to the Russian and I wish I didn’t. I know what he did was fucked up and that if given the opportunity to sleep with me again he would probably try it. Of course, if I go another month without sex it could possibly happen. Shit.

That afternoon I had yet another talk with the boyfriend and it was the same stuff all over again. I feel like he’s starting to cling to me because he can sense I am distancing myself from him. Which sucks because my normal self is so affectionate and loving. I can’t bring myself to just leave him yet. I’m trying to wait till after the holidays have ended. I’ve slowly started the process of looking for my own place to live, but I want to find something I can commit to before I tell him I’m leaving. Because I know how awkward it is to live with someone while broken up since we did that earlier in the year.

It is so hard for me to believe that my feelings for this guy have changed so much over the past year. I literally was madly in love with him but I don’t if I finally realized what was going on in the relationship or that I woke up and saw that just because we are perfect on paper doesn’t mean that’s enough.

I know that no relationship is perfect and that we all have our moments but I still feel like there should be some sort of passion still there for the person. I’m extremely passionate and I love sex so the fact that we have pretty much stopped doing anything sexual or passionate really weighs heavily on me.

Plus I also now realize that if I cheated now it could happen again if I allowed it as I had allowed it with the Russian. Who I fucking either want to punch or kiss at this point and it is mainly because I haven’t been kissed in a few days and I miss it.

Love Triangle

Love Triangle

Something I always believed in was if you can find that one person who completed you, your life would be wonderful and no matter what you can make through anything.

Apparently, I believed incorrectly.

I have been in a committed relationship for the past five years. It’s fairly serious, I mean, we have furniture and animals together. It’s as close to a marriage as you can get without the paperwork. Unfortunately, we are both in our young to mid 20s and act like we are really in our 70s. By that, I mean barely any sex life, arguments over which brand of milk to get and an uncool acceptance of each others bodily functions and fluids. I have loved this man unconditionally for so long, however, I had also allowed myself to stop putting myself first. And so did he.

Slowly but surely we drifted apart at one point during this year. Things got of track and we lost sight of ourselves and each other. Insert a typical break (break up) scenario, all while still living together. Eventually, as expected, we got back together and things were okay. Just for a little while.

Insert the third side of the triangle. I’ll call the Russian. The Russian and I work together, thankfully not in the same departments or on the same floor. At some point in time the Russian and I started flirting. Pretty innocent at first, funny emails and the occasional poking fun at each other. That all changed when he gave me a compliment that should have made me set him straight. Instead, I let it continue.

It continued to the exchange of phone numbers. Then the exchange of text messages. It all started sooooooo innocent. Questions about work, life, dreams, goals and all that jazz. Several lunches filled with curiosity and laughter. Then it took a turn for the….inappropriate. Sex became a topic of discussion, not sex with each other, just in general. This lead of course, to questions about my relationship. I wasn’t satisfied with the lack of attention I was getting and the Russian seemed eager to discuss that with me. He cared to know about the relationship and how things had progressed to where they had gotten.

Insert the first hangout outside of work, insert alcohol and what do you get? Back rubs, ass grabs and an unexpected make out session. It had been so long since someone had kissed me like that I didn’t know what to do. I could blame it on the alcohol, but I wasn’t that drunk. I want to blame it on the way he smelled and the fact he had been grabbing my ass and pulling my hair playfully. But in all honesty, I just wanted to feel wanted again. I wanted the feeling of a man who knew what he wanted from me and showed me how he wanted it. After that moment, I knew I was fucked.

Things intensified, I was having more “girl nights” and “shopping trips” just to spend time with the Russian. We were only kissing and it was amazing. Two things about the Russian, he’s an older man and he is a fucking amazing kisser. I couldn’t get enough of it. That’s all I wanted was to kiss him, nothing else even mattered. We spent our time watching movies and getting to know each other. He was so kind and sweet on me. Always wanting to love on me and make sure I was feeling good and having fun. From playing with my hair, kissing my forehead and giving me massages.

As things always do they escalated further, one night after drinking things finally got more sexual. I finally was introduced to the….other Russian. Now, I have not had sexual relations with that many men. Not that I’m a prude but I value myself and what I’ve got. So, back to the other Russian. Oh. My. God. From the moment I just touched it with my hands I couldn’t stop.

Things progressed slowly from there. I still never let him touch my nether region. He could mess with the top and grab the ass all he wanted, but that I wasn’t going to let happen.

One of the first nights I spent at his home was just intense. He never actually touched me but he gave me so many orgasms I was shocked. Maybe it was the fact I hadn’t had that happen in a long time or just the fact it was inappropriate. Whatever the reason it happened. Still no sex at this point. I gave him a few things and that was amazing to the both of us.

This carried on for a few more weeks. This “affair” had been going on for, let’s say, two to three months at this point. My boyfriend had and has no idea about any of this.

One night things progressed further and faster than I would have liked. I had too much to drink and so had he. One thing led to another and we had sex. Twice. In one night. I was disappointed that I let it happen but it was still amazing. The next day, I barely heard from him.

I was so disappointed that I let this happen. The next day, I didn’t hear from him until later in the day. And let me say, we would talk all day, every day. Texting nonstop and sharing things with each other. He always was talking to me. Hell, we kept each other up at night with the texting. Well the topic of the sex we had came up and it was weird at first but then things went back to normal once we talked about it. A weekend rendezvous was being planned and I thought things were going along smoothly. Or so I fucking thought.

About halfway through the week, we decided to have a Wednesday movie night. And of course, we had sex and various other activities. Insert an after sex shower and movie. I thought things ended well. We cuddled afterwards, the Russian played with my hair as usual. Great. I leave to go home, feeling perfectly fine. Besides the fact I had committed to cheating and deceiving my boyfriend.

I hear nothing from the Russian, he tells me he dropped something off in my office and checks to make sure I got it. I ask about the weekend….he might be busy. Sign number one shit is up.

I just say okay and move on.

Four days later I hear from him. One thing and that is it. And now we are at a week later and still nothing.

I am a combination of pissed, disappointed and just upset. Here I am in this relationship with another guy and had actually been thinking of maybe being with this guy. This Russian who did nothing but apparently play me.

What makes it worse is the fact I called it from the beginning. I even admitted to him I thought of him as a player. My gut feeling has always been right. I haven’t had the time to really grieve and get over this because of the fact I live with my boyfriend.

So I’ve been dealing with mixed emotions. My boyfriend has been trying harder lately to win my affection back. (I will write about our relationship in my next blog.) But with the Russian I actually thought I could see something with us. I thought this “man” could actually be more to me than just an office flirt.

Now, not only to I have to deal with getting played. I have to deal with getting played by a coworker. Thankfully in the past week I have not seen him. I’ve had to drive past him a few times. Once he did a quick turn around and followed me back to the office. He didn’t attempt to speak to me, but I didn’t let him have that opportunity so I’m not sure of his reasoning. I dread the moment I actually have to see him face to face. I am a pretty strong person, but at this point I would be tempted to either slap him or just glare.

I’m just confused. And fucked. Literally. I know what I did was bad and I know it is relationship ending thing. At the same time, it is as if I will soon be dealing with two relationships ending. I can’t see myself continuing my relationship with my current boyfriend without him knowing. Everyday it weighs more and more on me.

I have very few people I’ve talked about this. Two. Neither of them understand what happened. If I could copy some of the texts on here I would. A player wouldn’t invest that much time in someone like the Russian did. A player wouldn’t talk about future things and tell me personal things. Or would they? I just don’t know.

And I am not the one to cheat. I never have before. Not even during any of my high school relationships. Hell, I was the one cheated on most of the time. I know how it feels but for some reason I let this happen.

I’m just looking for advice on what to do. Do I bring it up with him or do I just keep it all to myself and ignore him when I see him? Eventually I am going to have to see the Russian. I’m going to have to look into his eyes and keep my calmness about me.

I’m just hoping that day isn’t tomorrow.