Sick, Twisted and Toxic.

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I’m not even sure what to say at this point. I’m in such a sick, twisted and toxic situation but I know what I need to do. It’s doing it that I’m so afraid of and I don’t know why.

The Russian, as far as I know, didn’t go through with cheating on me but he heavily considered it. He doesn’t know that I’m fully aware of those details but I know. That Friday/early Saturday when I made that post was the downfall of the relationship. That Saturday he came over so we could talk like adults. Since our texting conversation the night before was not a good one at all.

He apologized for the things he said and how things escalated. We sat in my kitchen to talk. How it ended? Him saying that maybe at this time being boyfriend/girlfriend isn’t working right now. That he loves me and cares for me but doesn’t know if he is in love with me. Great, we are right back here again. Obviously. So I asked him what it was he wanted, and in typical fashion, he said friends or even friends with benefits. This literally feels like August of last year when we broke up. And then for three months he dragged me along in this limbo until I couldn’t take it anymore.

I can tell things are starting to be how they were, because in my moments of weakness I allow him to see me. And of course, we sleep together. Over the weekend he spent the night and we got extremely drunk together. He said some things that really confused me but I know I can’t do this all over again. I just don’t have it in me anymore.

Hell, he will only text me when he wants to see me. Which is exactly what he did before when we first broke up. He slowly worked his way in. And every time after I see him I take like 12 steps back and get sad again. I love him and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him, but this I cannot keep doing.

I have a feeling he will want to see me tonight. As it is the finale of a show we had been watching together. And if he does, I’ll let him come over. We can watch the show but afterwards we won’t have sex. I’m going to tell him I can’t be his “FWB” and I can’t keep doing this. I’ll tell him that even though I love him more than anyone or anything, I have to love myself and allowing myself to be in this situation is not loving myself. I deserve more than that and if he isn’t willing to give me that then we have to stop.

I can’t get over him if he still comes around and gets into my head that things will get better or change. Because that’s what happened last year and those months were so hard for me. I really think he has some serious commitment and emotional issues he either isn’t aware of or wants to deal with. In one month, barely, he went from being so loving and caring, telling me how much he loved me and missed me, how happy he was we got back together. To being the Russian I did not like, with his unavailability emotionally, picking fights, pointing out anything I do wrong, etc.

Once we have this discussion and he’s aware of it, I will be doing what is called the “No Contact Rule” from here on out. I don’t know what will happen: will things change with him, will I finally get peace and be able to just move on, will he realize he’s made a huge mistake and try to win me back, or will he just move onto the next one?

A sick part of me want’s him to realize he made this huge mistake and want me back. How awful is that? After everything he’s put me through, since the very beginning I would still want him. Why? I’m so confused at this point. Ugh.

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Why All the Unnecessary Confusion?

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I think moments of confusion happen for everyone. Especially when you’re a woman. How many times has something happened that forces us to not only overanalyze the situation but try to figure out what happened and what we may have done wrong?

This leads many people to become confused.

I am one of those people. I’m a very strong-willed and slightly opinionated young woman in my early 20s. I also, and this is not my personal opinion, have been told I am a gorgeous young woman. I’m never alone unless I want to be but I never want to be alone so I often have chosen men who aren’t good for me or don’t have good intentions. I’m that pretty, unattainable prize that they want to attract and then win for themselves. Until they get bored with me and toss me aside. Not because of my looks, but because they attained the prize and feel good about it.

Take my ex for example. In the beginning, it was just a physical thing. I hadn’t been with anyone for a year and I was getting lonely. We knew each other since we were from the same city, even though he is about five or six years older than me. Things were great like that, no emotions or feelings. Just intimacy and sex, lots and lots of sex. Then one night, he decides to tell me he’s falling for me. I had not developed feelings at this point so it shocked me completely.

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Being a young, impressionable girl I slowly started feeling things for him. Things I told myself I’d never let happen because I KNEW he was not capable of commitment. How did I know? He had a pretty serious girlfriend I found out about after we started sleeping together. He never told me, I figured this out thanks to a friend of mine. They did end up breaking up, and he stated he wanted to be with me because in his words, “You are mine.” Wellllll wouldn’t you know, that didn’t last for too long.

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He would go hot and cold on me. Either he couldn’t get enough of me and had to be near me or else I couldn’t get a hold of him and not hear from him for days/weeks at a time. Though, I was not allowed to see other people. If he even sensed I had interest in other men he became infuriated and so jealous.

I dealt with this for a long time. Until I walked in on something that forever jaded me and has caused me an enormous amount of trust issues.

Eventually, as fate would have it, he got himself a real “girlfriend” and waited to tell me about her. Then, for the next few months I was single and had to deal with his late night calls of “I miss you” or “I wish she was you” all to which I told him to fuck off and leave me alone.

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A few months later I had been on a few dates here and there. As I said, once I was burned by him I had no trust in men and I quite enjoyed leading them on and then pulling my own disappearing acts on them. What I deal with right now with the Russian I feel is pure karma. But that’s another story.

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By the time I met my current boyfriend I had finally settled into being happy and single. I didn’t want another guy in my life to bullshit and lie to me. There were no games with him, it was all upfront and honesty with him. That changed eventually but it was nice not having to put myself in “game” mode and learn new tricks.

I always over analyze every detail. I do so until I work myself up into a state that I can only describe as completely pissed off. But I don’t vocalize it because I’m not the nagging type. And I know when I’m mad I can hit below the belt or just be straight up mean.

So with the Russian and me not speaking since Sunday it aggravates me. He should know by now I’m not going to blow his phone up. He should also know I would expect to hear from him at some point in time.

 

If this “grown man” would be fucking honest with me we wouldn’t have any problems. I would rather know this is just a sex thing or he’s unsure of his feelings because of the situation then sit here with my thumb up my arse waiting to hear something from him. Men need to realize most women would rather you be upfront in the beginning. Don’t bother with all the emotional “petting” and serious talks, if you want to just fool around or whatever just fucking say so.

Rant not really over but it’s getting there.

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