Thoughts: Break Ups, Bad Job and Dating?

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Every day sometimes feels like such a struggle for me. I’m three days away from exactly one month of not seeing the Russian, four days since I sent the letter. While I am focusing on bettering myself in different ways and trying to stay busy, I have moments that I let creep in and then I think of him. His voice, his touch, all the time spent with him and I get sad. How long until that goes away? I always have dreams that he pops into, almost every single night. I just want peace. And a part of me wants him to reach out to me. It’s been almost three weeks since we last spoke. I know I need to get over him and it, but it’s so hard. I do continue to workout five to six times a week, spend time with my pup and keep somewhat busy. But I have no fulfillment in anything.

I do not like my current job and am actively looking for a new one. Maybe if I actually liked my job it would be different and I’d be excited for each day. But when you get hired being told one thing and then everything is changed, you can’t stand your coworkers and even fake sick just so you don’t have to go in cannot be good signs. I want a job like I had when I was with the Russian, it had its moments but I loved that job. I was around so many people and made great friends. I miss the corporate world. This small business shit with less than 15 coworkers isn’t for me. Especially when I’m the youngest one here. And I also have no privacy or drive here, the work is way too slow and not challenging enough. But I needed to start having some money flowing in. Which is why I’m here but looking elsewhere.

I know I’m in a funk and I know I am also majorly sexually frustrated. I know I’m not ready to date but when I am, what are the best ways to date in a new city? Dating apps? Going for drinks? Do I go alone or with friends? I need some help.

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New Year, New City, Same Me.

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It has been such a long time since I’ve written anything. Mainly because my life was entirely too hectic and dysfunctional to even sit down and process everything. So much has happened since April of last year. As you can imagine, the Russian and I continued the toxic back and forth throughout the year. What can I say, I’m a romantic masochist. Bigger news? I sold my home earlier this year and moved to a whole new state. The process was long and stressful to say the least. The Russian knew the entire time I was moving, and in typical Russian style, would say things like, “Just because you move doesn’t mean things have to end.” Ha. I didn’t officially move until the summer time, and even though I had a new place I spent basically the summer with him. Me driving to him of course, staying with him and helping him with his business venture.

Fool that I am thought maybe things could work. Maybe distance makes the heart grow fonder and he’d genuinely see he wanted me in his life. I’d even move back to be with him when my lease was up if he wanted. HA. I helped him out a lot with his business, he needed to travel at one point and I was put in charge of overseeing things so he wouldn’t go without a profit. Things were great. Things were not that great in some areas. I had been thinking a lot about where things stood or would even be going. Especially once I started officially working again, how would this work? We had maybe two days out of this last month that weren’t great. I was on my period and he wasn’t being as sexual or affectionate with me so my overthinking kicks in and I get annoyed. Fast forward and we fight. Fighting is the quickest way for the Russian to want out of anything. He isn’t emotionally equipped to handle an argument and move past it.

I returned to my city and we barely spoke. Two days later and still in a weird limbo I sent him an email. Basically, describing to him what it was I wanted, from him or any relationship, and asking him what it was he wanted. I also told him if all he wanted was for me to be a fuck buddy I would not be continuing that any further. I gave him a week. I thought he’d be quick in his response, I thought he’d come back and want to try something with me. Nope. When I reached out to him he told me, once again, he isn’t sure if he is in love with me but doesn’t necessarily want to lose me in his. I told him that was it then, he needed to allow me to move on and get over him and this ridiculous roller coaster. In the email, I told him he needed to not contact me for at least six months since I think that will be enough time to get past this. That’s been a week since this conversation.

So here I am, officially in a new city and with a new job. But feeling a little lost. I don’t know anyone here and I haven’t been single in years. I am nowhere near ready to date again, much less sleep with someone new. I’ve started a new workout routine and have decided to follow a lifelong dream of mine, getting into law school. I take my LSATs in December and that is incredibly nerve racking.

Anyone have advice on how to completely get over a toxic, long term, on/off again relationship? I am sure I will hear from him at some point, I just need to stay distracted and focused. My friends jokingly tell me once I’ve had good sex with someone else the Russian will become a distant memory. The idea of sleeping with a new person is kinda scary to me. While I have an extremely high sex drive and love sex (the Russian was the best I’ve ever had), especially certain things, I’ve never slept with multiple partners or anything like that.

This is just a brief summary of my life the past year and three months. Maybe I’ll update further on what happened, or maybe I’ll just focus on the future and what exactly is happening to me as I try to start everything over again.

Wish me luck.