In Case You Ever Foolishly Forget, I’m Never Not Thinking of You

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Well the Russian and I had yet another rendezvous last night. It wasn’t a well planned one as we decided to hang out a few hours in advance. When I got there I guess I was a little awkward…but then I should back up and explain why.

During the earlier part in the week we were talking about whatever, I think about an injury he is dealing with, and I was showing sympathy towards him about it. He then made a comment implying he’s got a girl a day that can baby him if he needs it. I thinking he was joking so I said “Oh congratulations” and he said “You were the last one to come” and to this I glared at him (emoji) which led to this conversation:

Him: “What?”

Me: “Oh don’t what me”

Him: “One…I’m being truthful. Two…you live with a guy…Three so don’t squint at me!”

I think I said “What the fuck?!” out loud at that point. I mean, I’m not an idiot; he is a single guy and can do whatever the hell he wants but just to so blatantly say that shocked me. I just played it off as whatever and didn’t really respond to him. So he goes on to try and joke with me that I’m late for my appointment to “tata” him since he’s hurt. We joke about this and move on.

As the night wears on he starts to actually ask me questions about myself that are kind of in depth. The first one being if I felt bad about seeing him. Now, I should explain that at first I felt like shit. Literal shit. I had problems sleeping, eating and just relaxing. I’m still a gigantic ball of anxiety because of what is happening. Add in the fact I have never cheated before and don’t even know how to keep a secret like this to myself. Well I explained to the Russian that it weighs a lot on my conscience and that I don’t feel bad anymore which is weird for me since I didn’t think it would ever go away.

He then asked me if I was being completely honest about never cheating before, to which I told him yes. I tell him that I’m not good at hiding stuff, which is very true. I’m the one who (before this) had no problem letting anyone go through my phone, social media sites or anything. I don’t hide stuff. He then brought up the fact I seem calm when he has called while we were together. I told him that after years of practice with my mom I can control my tone of voice over the phone, but in face to face situations I just can’t lie. I physically make it obvious. But, back to the phone, I told him if I didn’t watch my tone my voice would get shaky and weird.

I was curious about these questions because I’ve often wondered how a relationship with him would progress (if it even did) considering the circumstances. I would be afraid he’d have trust issues with me, which would be expected I mean, look at this situation. I feel I’d have to reassure him for a long time I wasn’t “messing around” with anyone. My nature is to only have eyes for the person I’m with, I literally don’t see other men when I’m with someone else. But somehow, I saw him.

Well the discussion continues with him asking me questions about my past and things like that. Somehow the conversation got to yelling in arguments and I told him I don’t do yelling. If you yell at me I literally just shut down and leave. I explained this to him and he agreed with me that he doesn’t like yelling or tolerate it. That’s all cool and fine. So now I can fast forward to last night.

I guess I was giving off a weird body language to him. I did have a wall up when I first got there, after how the conversation went Monday I just felt the need to be that way. Not in a mean way, just not be super sweet. He apparently caught on to this quickly. He asked if I was mad at him or something, I laughed and said “No, if I was mad you would know” and he said he thought I didn’t yell, to which I replied there are more ways to show you’re mad than yelling.

Well we put the movie in and cuddle on his couch. The movie was okay, I wasn’t super impressed with it. Well we were drinking and talking during it which was really nice. Then he starts playing with my hands and hair. We get slightly frisky and have a fairly steamy kissing session. At that point he gets up to fix us more drinks and we adjust our seating arrangements. This time, I am like I was the last time, my back laying against his chest and he’s kind of seated up. Well he then sits me up to remove my bra, because, “It’s getting in the way.” So I lay back and he continues to play with my hair and hands. I instinctively reach up with my left arm and wrap my arm around his head. I play with his hair, massage his neck and touch on his face. I didn’t realize what I was doing till I could feel him hugging me tighter at certain times and then I slowed down with that. But he would kiss my head and just rub me. Well the movie started getting a little slow and we got friskier.

I seductively started sucking on his finger and slowly I started doing it more. This lead to him groping my breasts more, which caused him to realize how sensitive they are and he kept on with that. He did a few times try to sneak his hand down my pants. And he knows I usually resist that, only because that to me is personal and since I had finally let him not only touch me there before but also fuck me, I’m much more cautious now.

So he, for lack of a better word, rubbed my clit through my pants. Which ended with me coming and having an extremely hard time keeping my resistance up. Well we calm down a little after that to watch the movie some more. It was getting closer to the end and we were mainly cracking jokes about it and not paying much attention. Well we started kissing again, I know I’ve said it before but the Russian is an amazing kisser.

Well things progressed further to the point I’m on top on him and unbuttoning his pants. He knows how much I like to be asked to suck his dick and he proceeds to ask. And that begins. I’ve always enjoyed performing this activity with my previous boyfriends and I find myself enjoying it even more with him. He plays with my hair and tells me how he’s feeling and is very responsive to what I’m doing. Well this continues on till he finishes, after which he pulls me up to him and kisses me. Then he lays me beside him while he rubs my back. Well he end up just laying there talking to each other, me topless and him with no bottoms. I then go back and forth between playing with his member and touching his face with my other hand. We get friskier and I teased him with another blow job but stopped. We talk dirty to each other and he tells me how much of a turn on I am. Well once we finally come to terms that I need to leave I stand to get dressed and he bends me over the couch to play with my ass and pretty much tease himself and me. Once we finally get dressed and I’m walking to leave he’s hugging me harder and kissing me more, saying he wished I didn’t have to go. And I agreed with him. I then drive home much later than I should have been. I get to my house and let the boyfriend know I’m home. I text the Russian and tell him I’m home. I passed out but this morning I saw he sent, “Thanks for letting me know, sweet dreams :)”

So that was my night, and all I can think of is I can’t wait to see him again. I had tried Sunday to talk with the boyfriend about how I had been feeling and what I wanted. It did not go as expected. I’m pretty terrible at expressing my real feelings and what I want. The discussion gets to the living situation and he states that if we lived separately than he wouldn’t want us to continue seeing each other. And I can understand that but at the same time, I’m afraid to let the relationship go because of my fear of being alone. So now I’m just torn on what to do. The Russian I know isn’t going to wait forever, even if he is actually wanting to be with me. But what happens if I leave my boyfriend and just feel immediate regret? I’m on the verge of calling a medium or psychic who will charge me for advice.

Oh well. Until next time dear readers!

What a Tangled Web We Weave

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Much to my surprise after our midweek rendezvous I heard from the Russian a lot over the weekend. Friday we didn’t really talk that much, he sent me a text about a picture I posted and we had a little conversation. The boyfriend had decided to go out Friday night and I wanted to stay in. Well I was up and at 1:30 I got a text from the Russian.

 

Him: “Yo”

Me: “Yo”

Him: “Sip”

Him: “Sup lol”

Me: “Just watching tv lol you?”

Him: “Hoping you were out”

Me: “Not tonight why?”

Him: “Maybe I like ya”

Me: “Lol just a maybe?”

Him: “I shouldn’t but I do”

At this point I’m in a stage of shock. Because this is the Russian I remember, he would tell me he missed me, liked me or cared for me but he hasn’t in so long. So the conversation continues.

Him: “The bar sucked….was hoping you were somewhere”

Me: “Did it? I thought about going tonight”

Him: “Wish you woulda”

Me: “Maybe I do too”

Him:”??”

Me: “Wish I would have gone”

Him: “No I understood, Maybe though? I was there…lol”

Me: “Lol I know you were there and maybe a little more than maybe ;)”

 

He then sent me a random quote and were talking about that for a little bit. I then asked him where he was.

Him: “_______ lol”

Me: “Haha having it your way huh?”

Him: “Almost”

Him: “You’d be in the passenger seat if I had it my way”

Me: “Mmm is that right?”

Him: “Yep”

Me: “Lol good to know, since you kinda like me”

Him: “Maybe but I know I shouldn’t”

Me: “Why do you say you shouldn’t?”

Him: “It’s pretty obvious lol”

Him: “Right?”

Me: “Kind of I guess lol”

Him: “You tell me”

Me: “You’re the one saying you shouldn’t not me lol”

Him: “Well no matter how dumb I may feel…you see who I’m texting”

Me: “If it makes you feel less dumb…I like that it’s me you’re texting”

Him: “Maybe slightly”

Me: “Just a little bit?”

Him: “Some”

Me: “Good :)”

 

The conversation continued with us talking about what I was reading and stuff with his family that was going on. Then it got interesting again.

Him: “Why did I wanna hang out with you again woman? Lol”

Me: “Uh I have no idea lol”

Him: “Oh lol”

Me: “Why did you want to hang out with me again? Lol”

Him: “That was my question”

Me: “Yeah well I’m asking now lol”

Him: “I enjoy hanging out with you. Had a really good time the other day even before the end of the night”

Me: “Well good I’m glad 🙂 And I had a good time too, you’re not too bad to hang out with ;)”

 

Then he was joking about me being awake this late at night which then led to a discussion about my relationship. Those are always harder for me to talk about with him because I don’t want to give him every detail. At the same time, I wonder if he’s taking notes on what not to do with me.

He then passes out, we had been talking for about three hours and it was now past 4 am. I heard from him the next day but just a little. He then asked me what I was doing that night which I said I hadn’t made any plans yet. He tells me he’s hanging out with a guy friend and drinking. He then tells me he was getting phone calls from a blocked number and asked if it could be my boyfriend. Which I knew it wasn’t because he was sitting next to me at the time. I made a joke about someone stalking him and his response was that he hopes she’s cute. I said something along the lines of “Haha good luck with that” and he sent back “Lol kiiiiidding” I just told him I know with a smiley face.

I went on to tell him that where I was at was incredibly boring and he was surprised I was bored. When he told me what he was doing it sounded more fun to me. I love when I can just hang out and drink, watch movies or relax. I don’t mind bars but they get old after a while. Well I told him this and he said:

Him: “I thought you were unhappy cause you were bored…..wouldn’t being out at bars be more thrilling than movies and drinks!”

Me: “Not necessarily lol. Movies and drinks can be much more fun than a bar sometimes!”

Him: “What do you mean like Wednesday?”

Me: “Lol yeah like Wednesday”

Him: “:)))”

Me: (I sent a smiling/blushing emoji)

Him: “What are you doin talking to me”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Him: “Out with people and the boyfriend talking to the boring old man”

Me: “Well maybe I kinda like ya”

Him: “Oh yeah?”

Me: “Maybe”

Him: (He sends me our glare face emoji)

Me: “;) Don’t you glare!”

Him: “Why should I?”

Me: “Number one, because I said so. And number two, there no reason to glare.”

Him: “So which one matters?”

Me: “Well they both matter lol but you have no reason to glare”

Him: “Maybe”

Me: “Oh don’t maybe me!”

Him: “You did first”

Me: “You know I’m playing!!

Him: “I wish you were playing with something else”

Me: “You and me both”

Him: “Oh yea?”

Me: “Definitely”

Him: “What would that be?”

Me: “You know what I’m talking about”

Him: “??”

Me: “Don’t play dumb old man!”

We then get into a banter of exchanging movie quotes with each other, but it seems so natural and just flows easily. The next day we didn’t really talk. I was busy around my house and I’m not sure what he was doing. But we ended up talking later that night. Some how it got brought up that I could have texted him earlier and we wouldn’t be talking so late at night. I explained to him that it goes both ways and that I’m a little old fashioned in that sense. He explained to me that he doesn’t want to try and text me at a bad time. I told him if it wasn’t a good time I’d just not text back right away or tell him.

I’m so torn on what to do. Because lately the boyfriend has been talking more about “us” doing updates to our current house and things in our future. I don’t really respond to those statements, I literally feel myself pulling away from him and I don’t know what to do. I look at him and just think how is it that just a year ago I couldn’t imagine life without him. I would have done anything for him to act towards me then as he does now, but for some reason I don’t feel the same way anymore and that hurts. I want to talk to my mum about it but she will be so upset I met with the Russian again. She’s protective of me and doesn’t like that he hurt me a month and a half ago.

I just think to myself, if and when, (because it has to happen) the boyfriend and I end things will the Russian still be there? And if so, what then? I can’t ask him these kinds of things at all. We haven’t even talked about seeing each other again. And I won’t bring that up unless he does. And I want to see him again, badly. His company is so great and he makes me laugh every time I’m around him.

In other words, I’m royally fucked. Until next time!

 

Love Triangle All Over Again

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I hadn’t realized how much time had gone by since my last post! And quite a bit has happened since then it’s kind of crazy.

After I last spoke to the Russian on my birthday we didn’t speak for about a week or so I think. Well he slowly started texting me again and on the first day he brought up the fact he still had my movies. But it was a small conversation. The next day or so we talked pretty much the whole day, at some point in the conversation he asked if I was still house hunting. Which I still am but I have to do it secretly so that makes it harder. And we continued having a conversation about various topics after that. The next day he saw me walking and sent a text basically saying “Jean day huh :)” We had a short conversation that day and then he ran into me in the mailroom, which was kind of awkward. He sent me a text saying I seemed snappy to him and I told him I wasn’t being snappy. I honestly didn’t think I was but hey, I can’t always help the tone in my voice. So that was a Friday, I didn’t talk to him over the weekend but come Monday he texted me and this is how that conversation went:

Him: “When you gonna drop by to pick up your movies and see the new crib?”

Me: “Well it’s just wenever it will be convienant for you”

Him: “Is this a brief visit or would you like to watch a flick and have a drink?”

Me: “Lol once again it is whatever is convienant for you”

Him: “I’m not the one with specific windows for escape lol”

Him: “But plan on drinks and a flick though”

Me: “Haha! Alright well this week or next?”

Him: “This”

Me: “Wednesday should work”

Him: “Alright”

Well a little later I was talking about me driving in a particular city and how I was kind of good at it.

Him: “You’re in ____? I’m going tomorrow for a check up appt.”

Me: “Yeah I came over last night. I had a meeting for work I had to be at.”

Him: “Too bad it’s not tomorrow”

Me: “And why is that?”

Him: “Oh no reason”

Me: “Oh okay lol”

Him: “Tease”

Me: “Uh how am I a tease?”

Him: “Just are”

 

So as you can imagine my surprise by all that went on in this conversation, it was not what I had been expecting. Well the next day I didn’t really hear from him. He did send me a picture of a movie he was watching, which is my favorite movie (and he knows this). So come Wednesday afternoon I hadn’t heard anything so I figured I needed to see if he was still planning on having me come over.

Me: “Should I still plan on coming by tonight?”

Him: “If you’d still like to”

Me: “Lol alright, what’s a good time?”

Him: “What you laughing at woman lol? I don’t have plans so whenever…the earlier you come, the longer we can watch the movie before you go.”

Me: “I’m laughing at you, I can probably come at like 6ish or so.”

Him: “Cool, that early…works for me. Might even get two in depending on what time you have to leave.”

Me: “I’d probably have to leave at 10:30ish.”

Well after that discussion I ran into him in a fellow employee’s office which was awkward to the extreme. My face turned red and he called me out on it when he texted me, I just played it off. So he asked me if I still planned on coming at 6 and I told him I did.

Him: “Eating before?”

Me: “Um probably not”

Him: “K I’m gonna shower and we can go get something.”

So as I’m driving to his house I have no idea what to expect or say because until this point I have not had a one on one conversation with him since we last had spent time together in November. When I get there are park my car in the garage, get out and walk to the door. He opens it and I walk into his house, he instantly leans in to give me a hug and I give one of those weird “I don’t want to really hug you hugs” where I keep my arms kind of tensed up. So he shows me around the house and all that jazz. Then he asks me about dinner, I tell him to just order me what he usually does from this restaurant and he tells me he really likes that too but doesn’t want to order two things of it. I just say well it’s whatever you want to do. So he places the order and we are sitting on the couch flipping through channels on the tv kind of wasting time. We get up to pick out the movie for the night and we have some usual banter between us, I make fun of his movie collection and he makes fun of my taste.

So when it comes time to get the food I get in his truck with him to go get. This is where the conversation gets interesting.

Him: “So do you want an explanation for what happened?”

Me: “It is really whatever at this point. I don’t really need to hear your explanation.” (When in reality of course I did).

Him: “Well it will make me feel better if I can just tell you and get that straight.”

Me: “Okay then, explain.”

Well he goes on to tell me that we were spending so much time together and that it was becoming not a matter of if we would get caught but just when and he didn’t want me to get in trouble and have drama and that he didn’t want drama. So when I asked him about us staying the night together back in November he claims he legitimately had to work on his house and that when I responded okay to him saying that he thought I was mad so he wanted me to cool off. Then he said once the weekend had gone by and he spent the entire time working he had realized we hadn’t spoken and knew I was probably mad. He then says that when I cold shouldered him in the office he realized just how pissed I was and didn’t want to make things worse by trying to explain and then I shut him down. So after he explains and says all this:

Me: “I’m not going to lie I was kind of angry with you, and while I’m glad you gave me time to get over it you should have handled it better. I’m the type of person if I feel you don’t want to speak to me then I won’t waste my time speaking to you. And I felt that way with you so I just didn’t say anything either. But I will say if you would have tried to talk to me like this earlier I probably would have been mean to you.”

So we get that out there and go get the food. We spent the ride talking about house hunting and things like that. He tells me more about his house and those plans. We get back to the house and we eat while watching tv together. He puts the channel on one of the shows he knows I really like. After we get done eating he goes to make us drinks and realizes he was out of something, so he goes and gets it real quick and comes back. He makes us drinks and we put a movie on.

Okay so we are sitting on the couch he is on one side kind of laid back with his feet up and I’m sitting in the middle of the couch with my legs tucked underneath me. As the movie starts he kind of explains a few details to me and we watch in silence. He then reaches over, grabs my hand and kisses it saying, “I have to be sweet to you.” I roll my eyes and he puts our hands down on the couch while holding my hand. Eventually we get into what I would say is our usual smart ass repertoire with each other. He then, very smoothly, playfully puts me in a headlock and then positions me to where I’m leaning against him. So I stay like that and he proceeds to play with my hair, arms and face. Well we finish our first drinks so he gets up to make more. When he comes back he repositions himself to where I’ll be laying completely back on him while he’s seated up. He then takes my hand and arm to play with it.

Him: “I didn’t think I would miss you this much.”

Me: “Oh well thanks, I guess.”

Him: “You know I don’t mean it like that. I knew I would miss you but I didn’t think hanging out like this would make me realize just how much.”

Me: “Well I’m glad then.”

He makes some joke and we laugh and continue watching the movie. Throughout the movie we would either say the same thing at certain scenes or do a hand gesture, to which he says that’s weird I don’t remember us every doing that together. I remind myself he is a charmer and to just play it off. He eventually turns my head around and brings his cheek to my lips so I kiss his cheek, which sadly I do. He then talks about the next time we will hang out and what we will have to watch.

He starts playing with my cheeks and kind of squishes them together and I tell him to stop I’ve got big cheeks and I don’t like that. He then proceeds to tell me to stop and just let him do it, I keep resisting him and then he tells me how beautiful I am and I shouldn’t be weird like this. Well he turns my head towards him and grabs my face, while squeezing my cheeks and kisses me. This is when we started slowly kissing each other more. Now then he says his usual stuff, I don’t understand why you are even attracted to me because you’re so much better looking. I just glare at him and roll my eyes to which he kisses me again. He then turns me around to rub my back and then removes my bra, he did ask if that was okay and sadly I said yes. So he proceeds to fondle me and then goes back to playing with my hair.

The movie gets closer to ending and we start to really make out again, he attempts to touch me over my pants and I don’t let him. I remind him that he has to earn that privilege all over again. He was kind of shocked by that, but I’m not going to just give that up again. So after some more kissing we watch the end of the movie. After it ends we pretty much just make out pretty heavily. Eventually we come up for air and he turns the television back on. We start talking about a particular sport that is on and some players. Some how we get on the topic of a particular celebrity and I tell him how beautiful I think she is and he gives me a crazy look and says:

“Are you serious? She is not pretty at all. You are so much prettier than her.”

Me: “Oh no don’t even, she’s gorgeous and I wish I was that pretty.”

Him: (touching my face) “Your face is so well proportioned. Beautiful cheekbones, cute nose, pretty eyes. You’re the beautiful one.”

I kind of get taken aback by this and just laugh at him.

Then one thing leads to another and I’m touching his not so little, little Russian. Then I start to perform a certain sexual act on him. I know, I couldn’t believe it was happening either. As it is progressing he is telling me the usual sweet things then at one point he’s standing and I’m kneeling in front of him and he says, “You have the most beautiful eyes.” Then I’m like oh great here we go. Well as we are continuing on the phone rings. The boyfriend is calling to see if I’m okay. I quickly answer it saying I’m still out with friends. I apologize to the Russian and I realize I probably need to go soon but he kisses me so intensely and then things resume until the finale. We kiss a lot more and then I say I’ve got to leave before I get in trouble. So we kiss bye and he tells me to text him when I make it home if I can.

I get home, tell him I made and he just tells me alright and good night.

I still can’t get over how this happened again. I honestly feel like it is either going to go two ways. One, things will go forward like before and we will eventually get back to where we were and maybe progress from there. Or two, things will go forward like before and he will pull the same stuff.

Well the day after this happened (yesterday) he sent me a screenshot of something we had talked about that night and we joked about it for a while.

He asked if I liked the movie and I said I actually did and was surprised.

Him: “Not sure you were paying attention at the end”

Me: “Well someone kept distracting me”

Him: “What?!?!”

Me: “You heard me!”

Him: “Don’t yell at me!!”

Me: “I do what I want! And you know you were distracting me”

Him: “Maybe a little”

Me: “Lol oh just a little bit?”

Him: “No idea what you’re talking about”

Me: “Is that right?!”

Him: “Yep!”

 

Then I didn’t really talk to him that night, but as it turns out he had taken his grandmother to the movies. Well before I knew that I asked him if he had liked last night:

Him: “Obviously!”

Me: “Good, just checking”

Him: “Did you?”

Me: “For lack of a better word, obviously!”

Him: “Thief”

Me: “Oh don’t hate”

After this conversation he tells me about the movie and we discuss it and all that jazz. But nothing since then not that I’m being weird about it. I’ll give him his time and see what happens but as I said earlier I can’t believe what happened did happen. I had expected to maybe kiss a little if we got to that point. What sucks is that I hadn’t realized how much I had missed him too, not just the sexual stuff but just talking about whatever and joking around. Now I’m pretty much back at square one all over again.

Now I really have to figure out not only what to do about the boyfriend situation but also what to do about myself. Thankfully I’ll be going out of town for a few days soon and can have some time to figure this stuff out, maybe. I did get my movies back though which is a plus of sorts.

Until next time! I promise not to wait so long next time!