Keeping Score

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Ten days. 240 hours. 14400 minutes.

That’s how long it has been since I last heard from the Russian. And I wouldn’t even consider that a conversation, just an “Ok” and that was it.

I spent the night with this “man” last Saturday. From about 9 pm to 10:30 am I was with him. Not only was I with him but he was sweet on me, touching me and all that stupid touchy feely shit. Gave him how many blowjobs? Oh that’s right, FOUR.

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Do I sound pissed? Because I am.

I’m not hurt or sad, I’m pissed. Pissed I once again let a guy just use me for his own needs. Instead of being honest and telling me what he wanted he lied and made me believe there was something there.

This is why I fear being single. All these ridiculous games one plays for no other reason but to get what they want. What’s sad is I use to be able to play these games and I didn’t even like doing it.

I’m sick of men and their stupid fucking games, because we all know they continue to get away with it and probably always will. Why? I believe if a woman confronted a man about it he would turn it completely around on her and make her feel like shit. WHY? Because they know we tend to be emotional creatures and if we feel we have hurt someone or something stupid like that we will cave.

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The funny part? Not all women are emotional creatures. I may have moments when I feel emotional or get sad. Those are few and far between. The majority of the time I get annoyed and aggravated when people try to play on me emotions.

Like when the Russian told me, “That’s my face” one night we were together. Was him playing my emotions, because I never knew he felt that way about me. Oh wait, he didn’t. I just believed he did which caused me to really think about things with him.

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Fucking asshole.

I put my relationship and future at a serious risk for HIM. And for what?? Nothing. Another notch in his headboard and another number in his count. Not only did I do that but I have such serious thoughts and regrets that I honestly have to separate from my boyfriend. Because I have seen what real passion can be like, what it should be like to feel wanted and desired.

Even if the asshole that did it is obviously just playing me.

And what’s even worse? I miss him. I miss the way he could make me laugh, I miss joking with him and just spending time with him.

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Even though it is apparent that was all a game.

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Disillusioned Young One – 0

Let the games continue.

 

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No Set Expectation

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It’s been a week since my last post and what a week indeed.

I went out of town for about two days last week and was able to be out of the office for those two days.

On the second day I was out I heard from the Russian. Nothing extravagant but he was trying to joke and play with me, and I also heard from him on the next day as well. He wanted to know if I was going to an event in our city and I told him I wasn’t sure. I ended up going to the event but I didn’t mention it to him.

We didn’t speak on that Friday but the next day was his birthday and I sent him the usual “Happy Birthday!!” text. We ended up speaking pretty much the entire day. He had asked me what my plans were for the night and I stated I had dinner plans then was thinking of going to my hometown for the night. We joked with each other as we talked like we usually do.

He didn’t have anything planned for his birthday that night and inevitably he asked if I wanted to go hang out at his friend from work’s house. The friend pretty much knows the situation, since this whole thing pretty much started at his house. So when I get there the Russian is in the kitchen with his friend’s girlfriend’s little girl. We start joking together and making fun of the Russian. She is a sweet little girl and it was fun talking to her.

We all three eventually sit in the living room watching tv and continuing to make fun of the Russian. He tells me to be sweet and I roll my eyes and continue to act like a smart ass. I wasn’t going to be all sweet to him.

When she leaves with her mom it’s just the Russian, his friend and I in the kitchen talking and drinking. Eventually he decides it’s time to leave and he asks if I’m going to follow him back to his place. I kind of shrug and say sure. He walks me to my car, gives me a hug, kisses my cheek and tells me that I look really pretty tonight. I laughed and got into my car.

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As I’m following him he texts me every now and then while we drive. I know, no texting and driving but it happens and I eventually tell him to worry about his driving. We get to his house and I park in my usual spot and get out. He meets me in the garage and puts his arms around me then kisses my cheek and neck. He lingers by my neck for a little bit and then I follow him into his house.

He puts the DVD we left off on the last time and makes us a drink. I joke with him about something and he tells me I’m not being very nice. I remind him I’m only playing with him. He makes a comment that the nicer he is to me the more of a smart ass I become to him. I kind of shrug and smile. We start the show and he pulls me into him so I’m leaning on him more. He continues to play with my legs and arms. Every now and then he would play with my hair and kiss on me. Eventually he leans me forward and asks if it’s okay if he kisses me. I nod my head and we kiss for a little while. Eventually we resume watching the show and talk about what is going on and joking around. We finish that drink and he asks if I want another and I say sure. As we start another episode he again leans me forward but this time it’s to take my bra off, as usual, and then we lay down on the couch.

At some point I turn to face him and we start to kiss pretty heavily, one thing leads to another and I start touching his member. Then he whispers what I like to hear and I’m slowly making my way down to suck his dick. As this proceeds on he’s talking to me and touching me. He always keeps one hand in my hair so it stays out of my face. This continues on for a long time, I’d say at least 30 minutes. When he finishes he pulls me up to lay on top of him and we lay like that for a little while. I joke about something and he starts the show again. As usual, a woman’s breasts are shown on the show and he makes the comment that he really likes mine and that they are very nice. I say thanks and laugh, he asks me why I laughed and I just say, “Well what else am I supposed to say when you compliment my tits?” He grabs my hair and tells me to be nice.

As expected, at some point things get intense again and I start to give him another blow job. I also had been drinking for a while at this point and I look at him more during this one. He makes a comment that if I don’t stop looking at him like I was he was going to fuck me. This continues on for I’d say about 20 minutes, he keeps saying how badly he wants to be inside me and all that. I don’t stop what I’m doing and he finishes. He again pulls me on top of him and I lay on top of him for a while. Eventually I guess we fall asleep like that. Something happens, he might have snored, but I kind of woke up to check my phone. It’s about 3 am and I definitely wasn’t thinking it was that late.

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He asks me if I want to just stay the night there. I believe I said something like, “If it’s okay with you” and he tells me he wouldn’t offer if it wasn’t. So we lay like that for a little bit more.

Then he says if I’m going to stay there we may as well go to bed. At some point, after he has pulled his pants up and I’ve put my shirt back on I make some smart ass comment and he pushes me down on the couch and he gets on top of me. He grinds against me, pretty much teasing me and then he pulls me up and walks me to his bed.

He takes his sleeping pills and lays down in front of me but pulls me towards him so I’m big spoon. Well I kind of wiggle around to get comfortable and sigh a lot. This is just something I do. He tells me, “If you don’t stop with those noises you’re going to get me in trouble.” I laugh and tell him I can’t help it I’m just getting comfy.

I have a hard time sleeping in places I’m not familiar with. You would think I’d be familiar as hell in his house but I’m not. So it took me a little while to fall asleep but eventually I do. At some point I wake up and he’s kind of wrapped around me sleeping. I adjust myself to get more comfortable and go back to asleep. He gets up at some point to go to the bathroom and he comes back. I had apparently taken my shirt off in my sleep as I normally do, just a heads up. My back was to him and he pulls me closer to him and he starts to rub on my back and then my legs. Then he starts to try to put his hands down my pants. At this point I’m definitely awake. I stop him and tell him no, mainly because I’m due for a wax but also I didn’t want to have sex because apparently he just gets weird after sex. I finally tell him that I’m waiting for my wax this week and I don’t want him touching me. He informs me he doesn’t care about that and I tell him that I do. He, being a man of course, starts a conversation about shaving and waxing trying to distract me from his hand. I inform him I do both but I prefer waxing and if I shave it’ll set my schedule off. Eventually he gets the hint and stays out of my underwear but he proceeds to play with me until I have a few orgasms. He starts to get himself worked up and I give him another (yes that’s three!) blow job. This was at, seven am maybe?

We fall asleep again for another hour or two, I wake up and he’s rubbing on my ass and my back. One thing leads to another and….you guessed it, number four happened. He at first asked if I was sure because I had done a lot already, I remind him that I really enjoy doing this. So that one happens and after he finishes we lay together for a while, he runs his hand up and down my back and plays with my hair. I make a comment about his bed and he says yeah it forces you to lie next to me. I then say “Yes, that was unfortunate.” And he rolls over and pins me down to tickle me. After we have been lying around and joking we both sit up to get dressed. He gives me some water and we talk for a little bit. Poor guy had to witness me with not only bed head and crazy sexed up hair, but also my makeup was pretty much gone, I had mascara under my eyes and my eyes and lips were both puffy. I definitely didn’t look cute.

He walks me to my car and tells me he’s glad I came and stayed. I tell him the same and we kiss goodbye, he tells me to be careful. I drive back to the house and get there while the boyfriend is gone. I quickly jumped in the shower just to rinse off. I realize my lips are indeed puffy and swollen, that’s an obvious sign something was up.

Thankfully I was home alone for a few hours so I was able to rest a little and relax. I had just texted the Russian I made it home and he had said “Ok”. We haven’t spoken but I feel after spending the night together it must be a little weird for him. Plus, I haven’t had a “sleep over” in over four years so I’m weird about it too.

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I’m not sure what to think about this though, I don’t know if he expects to hear from me first or if I should give it some time. I’m definitely okay with giving it time; I’d prefer not to talk to him first.

I didn’t get to ask him about why we hadn’t spoken but I also know that at this time, whatever this is, I can’t set any expectations for him. And he can’t set any for me either.

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I finally have found a house I love and we are slowly starting the paperwork process. I did tell the Russian this because he asked if I was still house hunting. I suspect he thinks I’ll just stop looking for houses when he’s out of the picture but at this point in time I think it is necessary I move out. With all that has gone on I need some space to think.

So we will see what happens next….

 

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Am I Really That Easy To Let Go Of?

ImageSo here we are one whole week later and still…nothing.

I’m not sure what to think or do at this point, besides wanting to slap the shit out of the Russian. As I should have known he has pulled his infamous disappearing act on me again. You would think I’d know better, at least I was expecting it this time around. One of these days I’ll learn my lesson when it comes to men like him.

I recently found a house that I absolutely adore and want. So we will see how that progresses. Things with the boyfriend are slowly getting worse; he had gone out Friday night and stayed out the entire night. Not getting back to the house till 9 am the next day. I decided to go to my parents’ house and this had been planned for a few days. I just had to get away from him and the house. It was nice just getting away and thinking. He did clean the house some on Sunday which was nice, but when I got home we immediately got into an argument and he went into one room to watch TV and I stayed in the living room.

Yesterday was St. Patty’s Day and since I’ll be going out of town today and not returning till late on Wednesday I had decided to just stay home and try to spend time with him. He wanted to go out to a bar I hate, even after I told him I wanted to spend time with him. He went out and didn’t get home till a little after midnight.

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I’m happy I’ll be leaving work soon and not coming in tomorrow. I can continue playing my avoid the Russian game and the boyfriend. I almost had a run in with him this morning and he did see me. But I just waited in my car for a few minutes before I walked into the office.

Very mature of me right? Ugh.

Lesson learned; don’t sleep with your coworker. Especially if they are going to continue playing with you, leading you and then acting like you don’t fucking exist.

I also have a feeling this will be the way I act when he tries and approaches me again, which I know we all can agree with, he will:

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You’re So Far Away

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What is it that person a person want something? That craving urge that you just have to have something. Where does this come from? And why can’t I make it stop?

I have been asking myself lately what it is that I want? Unfortunately, I have not been able to really answer that question. One thing I want to know is why do people claim to want something, but fall away when they are close to getting what they wanted?

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I feel this way right now in regards to the Russian. If you read my post from last week you’ll remember that he was (as I felt) going down the same path as before. But he spoke to me a little every day. However, over the weekend he spoke to me like before. Friday night he was texting me from 1:30 in the morning to a little after 4. He had his guy friends over gaming and he finally told me that was what he had to get things ready for. I had randomly told him I like to game too, even though I had revealed this to him when we were first getting to know each other.

He claimed I was just trying to say the right stuff and I told him I had been gaming since I was young. I did say that I’m not the best at it but I just like to play.

The next day I heard from him a little, then during the later part of the afternoon he was talking to me more. Then again he was texting me late at night while they were playing again.

Him: “You should have came and played with us”

Me: “Well I didn’t get an invitation! You’re playing again tonight?”

Him: “Yea”

Me: “Not my fault you didn’t ask me old man”

Him: “We’ll have to play one day”

Then the conversation carried on a little until I passed out. The next day he texted me during the afternoon asking what I was doing and as usual, I was cleaning on a Sunday. He said he was being lazy and that I should come take a break at his house. He then asked if I’d be able to watch a few episodes of the show we have been watching or just for a few minutes. I told him I could probably watch a few episodes before leaving.

I think this was the second Sunday we’ve ever hung out together. The last one was only because I was leaving my parents’ house and he was on my way to my house.

Now when I got there he was laying on his couch already, so I laid down in front of him and put my back against his chest. We started talking a little about what was on tv and were joking around. This was one of the times we spent together not drinking or anything. Eventually he starts the show and picks it up where we had left it off last time. When the credits were starting he made me turn to face him and made some comment about me putting my ass towards him and then he kissed me. It was fairly enough, to the point he paused the show and pulled me on top of him. He had then began to play with my breasts and eventually slowly made his way to take my bra off. Once he did that he really started fondling them at that point. Eventually we stopped kissing and he had me laying on top of him, with my head laying on his. I felt like I was hurting him so I moved down a little and put my head on his chest.

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We continued to watch the show at this point. Laughing and talking at certain points together. During this point I’d kiss on his cheek or neck because I know he likes that but also I like doing that as well. He would rub on my back and squeeze my hip from time to time. Eventually we started to kiss again and things eventually picked up some speed, he started to make me…I think the term would be “grind” against him. To the point I couldn’t take it anymore so I leaned up to his ear and whispered, “May I suck your dick sir?” And he groaned and just said, “Please.”

I made my way down and started doing that to him. As usual, it was great for him and me. I didn’t want to stop and he usually lasts for a long time, I’m talking anywhere between 15 to 30 minutes and I love that. At some point he asks if he can take my shirt off and I nod my head yes. I continue sucking his dick until he comes. When he’s finished I slide myself up and lay there in his arms. He jokingly says something like all that hard work wore him out. I laugh and say something smart back. He comments on how fast my heart is beating and I remind him what I just got done doing. We lay like that for a little while and then he starts the show back up and I roll over.

I’m still topless so he continues to play with my breasts throughout that episode finishing and then the next one started. Every now and then I’d turn my head to kiss him and he’d kiss me but then he’d turn my head back to the tv. I kept playing with him about that a few times, eventually I resumed watching the show. Since I was laying in front of him he would put his hand on my hip and rub on my side. He had the arm that was under my stretched out, so every now and then I’d play with his hand and fingers; he would do the same to me.

At some point I was facing him again and we started kissing again. I eventually reached my hand down to feel him and, not surprisingly, he was hard again. After more kissing and touching he asked if I wanted to taste him again, I said yes but kept kissing him. He put his mouth next to my ear and asked me, “Will you please suck my dick again?” I moaned a little because he knows how much that turns me on. I then whispered for him to say it again, which he did, and then I started to suck his dick again.

This whole time, like last, he’s whispering little things to me and calling me baby like usual. This time it takes him about the same amount of time, maybe closer to 15 minutes to come again. He pulls me up to him afterwards and I lay next to him on my stomach, with my arms stretched up a little. He starts to massage my neck and shoulders. I eventually put my head and his chest and we lay there like that for a little bit longer.

This had been well over two hours at this point. I tell him I should probably go soon, I grab for my bra and shirt and put them both back on. He walks me to my car then kisses me and hugs me bye. He then tells me to behave myself and I tell him to do the same.

I decided to stop by the local book store and while I was browsing I realized I never told him I made it home. When I get there I text him, he asks if I got lost and I explained where I was. He called me a nerd and joked with me.

The next day I texted him first, nothing serious just something funny about me having to deal with paint fumes, he seemed concerned a little until I explained it. But then yesterday I didn’t hear from him at all, and today is Wednesday. The day we usually hang out with each other and I still haven’t heard anything from him.

This is what I’m talking about when it comes to him. Why does he do this to me? It’s so confusing sometimes. I’m not the one to go chasing after him because I felt like last week it was weird but then over the weekend things were getting back to normal. I don’t know if he’s doing his weird, awkward post get together thing. Which I wish would just stop because that is so annoying.

I just don’t know how to take him at all, and I don’t want to burden my friends with this because I feel the two who know this get tired of me talking about him.

So I’ll just vent here in the hopes someone can answer my questions for me.

Until then…

 

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You Still Mark My Skin

ImageThe marks he left on my skin are still there and it is so hard to not look at them. I remember the night perfectly and all the fun we had. Telling me you were mine and that I was yours.

But apparently those marks will be all I have until they too disappear.

Today would be one of our usual days to see each other. I hadn’t expected to hear from him about it but he did surprise me. The Russian texted me about it yesterday morning:

Him: “Hey I’m not gonna make it this week”

(He means seeing me like we usual do)

Me: “Okay lol that’s fine”

Him: “My buddy is coming in Thursday or Friday and I have stuff I need to get done before”

Me: “Alrighty lol that’s fine old man”

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I try to keep things normal and not sound harsh or upset. Because he said the last time he cancelled plans and I just said “Lol okay” he took it that I was mad.

How can a person who not even a week ago was talking to me every day and wanting me to move out to spend more time with me just do this? Was it just the sex? Is he afraid of his feelings? Or, worst case scenario, he’s seeing other people and someone else has his attention for now.

Foolishly I hope he’s just afraid of his feelings but I should be smarter about it.

So, I carry on with life. Keep looking for my own place and act like I’m not mad at my…the Russian. I don’t think mad is the right word, disappointed is better.

I have to remind myself some days, even when the Russian was present still, that I am an attractive, young woman who has a lot to offer and doesn’t need to settle. I don’t have to settle for a complacent boyfriend who is only attentive when I beg for it. I don’t have to settle for mediocrity. I don’t have to settle for bullshit answers and excuses.

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I need to get out of this funk. Put a smile on my face and focus on myself and my future.

All the while thinking of the marks and secretly not wanting them to go away.  

 

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Here We Go Again It Seems

hotmessWell it seems like the same thing that happened back in November is about to happen again. And this time I have no idea why and it hurts a lot more.

Last week we saw each other twice. One day it was for lunch, we ate together, talked and then laid down with each other. Of course, we fooled around some, no sex though. And everything was normal with us. He had a planned dinner with his family that night so we talked to each other while he was participating in that. And we were having a genuine conversation that night, discussing his family and mine. And literally every day we spoke to each other and had good conversations. It was completely normal and it was really nice.

Well Thursday we planned to see each other and we did. He asked if I would pick up some alcohol for us since he was out. I did of course and headed to his house.

At this point, my boyfriend was starting to act suspicious of what I was doing. Before he would never ask what was going on when I would be “hanging out” with my girl friends. He did that night. I explained to him what the plan was and he seemed okay with it. Well as I got to the Russians house I was a little nervous about the boyfriend.

The Russian fixed us drinks and we sat on the couch to watch the show. Now, a heads up to something, I had been on my period so I probably was letting things get to me that shouldn’t have. It seemed he wasn’t quite as affectionate as normal, I made a joke about it and we laughed it off. We ended up constantly playing with each other and tickling each other a lot. He kept telling me to watch the show when I’d kiss on him, he said because I would always say he’s distracting me from it. (I joke about it, as does he) So eventually things turn sexual, we start kissing heavily and I make my way down to suck his dick.

As I’m doing so, he is telling me that he wants to fuck me and be inside me. I had a hard time resisting that and I said something along the lines of “Not tonight” and he reaches down to reach inside my pants and I kind of squirm away. He pulls me up and asks why, I just tell him “Because” and he questions me about my need for control and if there is a reason for it. I tell him that’s not it and I want to but just…can’t right now. He looks at me and asks, “Is it that week?” I nod my head and resume my way back down to his dick. He then says, “I don’t care about that. I just want to be inside you.” I tell him I’ve never had sex during my period, which I haven’t it’s not something I care to do with the mess I assume it makes. He tells me he doesn’t care and if it makes a mess we can take a shower. I kind of shrug it off and he then says something that made me stop and confused me, “We don’t have to use one you, that’s the main reason of them. It wouldn’t bother me.” I assumed he was talking condoms and I just said, “I know you don’t care but I’ve never done that before and I don’t want to have a mess on our hands.” He tells me to go check myself and see if it’s okay. I kind of look at him and he asks if that day was the first day, I say no and he tells me it will be fine.

I go to the bathroom and…check myself; it doesn’t appear to be too bad so I go back out. He goes into the bathroom after me and I resume sitting on the couch, topless. He comes back in and says, “So is everything good?” I give a little nod and he tells me to take my pants off. I do so and he pulls a condom out, much to my relief. I like the Russian but I’m not an idiot. I climb on top of him in the reverse cowgirl position and we fuck like that, then with me on top sideways, and then normal girl on top. Eventually we move to a different area and he starts to fuck me from behind. I had been having a hard time relaxing till this point because I’m just paranoid I would leave a huge red stain on his furniture or something. Well he pulls out and I turn around, look down and thankfully there is no mess on him or me. Whew. Well he proceeds to remove the condom, stating, “See, no mess.” He asks me to suck his cock until he came. So I kneel down and proceed to do so, after he came I stand up and he grabs me and squeezes me against him.

I start to put my clothes back on and he throws his shorts back on. He comments that there was no mess and I didn’t need to be worried. Well after I pretty much just leave, it wasn’t as warm a good bye as usual but I could just be over analyzing it. I text him when I get home and he just says, “Good job ___” a nickname he calls me and then that’s it.

The next day he sends me a meme picture, I laugh at it and later send him one. He laughs at it and then I ask how his day was, since he was off.

Him: “Not bad. Worked out and since then I’ve been putting up the trim around the door and grouting the threshold. My back is not happy at all.”

Him: “Yours?”

Me: “I told you to go easy on your back old man lol and mine was okay, just the usual running around.”

And that was it for the entire day Friday, he didn’t ask about the sex like he usually would or try to hold any other conversation. So I write it off and go on with my night.

The next day went like this:

Me: “I looked at four houses today”

Him: “Any winners?”

Me: (Longish explanation of what I say, saying I loved two and was hopeful about them)

Him: “Not a bad day”

Me: “Nope”

Him: (Sends me a picture of the work he did on part of his house)

Me: “That looks really good, the color goes with the floor nicely”

Him: “Thank ya”

Me: “You did that by yourself?”

Him: “Yep”

Me: “Impressive old man, impressive”

Him: “I like the cedar look”

Me: “Yeah I do too, it’s nice”

And that’s it for Saturday. He just seemed so stand offish with me and I didn’t want to continue the conversation with him if he seems that way. The next day…nothing. I didn’t hear from him nor did I text him. Today I sent him another funny meme and he just responded with an “Lol” and nothing else.4680702886_56a6f2f5c9_z

I just don’t know how to take that at all. One minute he’s telling me his feelings and that he can’t wait till I move out and have my won place. And then now he’s acting cold with me. I’m trying not to jump to any conclusions but after being burned by him before I’m super cautious.

So what do I do? Give him a few days and just see what happens or prepare for the worst? In that case, he disappears on me again and I have to just deal with it.

Fuck. I am going to be so angry if this happens all over again and feel like a complete idiot.

Things with the boyfriend are absolutely no better. We got into a HUGE argument last night that involved me stating I had been thinking we shouldn’t live together anymore, that I just wasn’t happy and I didn’t know what would make me happy. I remind him that he pays no attention to me and only does when he wants something or if he notices I’m not all over him. Which I haven’t been since January. I told him I was tired of the fact if I wasn’t initiating everything then nothing would happen. He got upset and angry when I mentioned moving out. He said he wasn’t sure how that would work since we barely see each other and we live together. I told him exactly, we are like best friends that live together. He became really quiet at that point and I just walked away.

We slept in the same bed last night and he told me he wanted to try harder to prove that I’m a priority to him and I just broke down crying. I said, “You’ve said that before and it will last maybe two weeks and then nothing. It goes back to me feeling like I mean nothing to you. I don’t want to get my hopes up again but if you want to try then try. I can’t promise anything to you though.”

He woke up this morning like nothing was even wrong or discussed the night before.

So here I am, upset about the Russian and what he may or may not be doing. Upset with the boyfriend for finally wanting to prove himself but more than likely failing and showing me I don’t mean anything. Is it bad that I want the Russian to prove HIMSELF for once? But I have that intuition that I’ll end up disappointed by both of them.

Please, share your thoughts on all this because I have no idea on what to do next or expect.

 

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I Want To Be Yours

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So much has happened since Valentine’s Day. I may have to break this post into two separate parts! I’m trying to focus on where to begin….

After our Thursday rendezvous before Valentine’s Day things went as I had expected. I didn’t hear from the Russian on that particular day, I wasn’t expecting to because I think that would have been weird for both of us. The next day I spent packing for my trip I was preparing for and we were texting on and off during that day. As the day wore on he eventually asked me how my V-Day was…I told him that as usual I didn’t get anything from the boyfriend. He cooked some dinner but that was it, no flowers, no card and not anything sexual. The Russian then revealed to me he had wanted to ask me to come over but felt stupid because of the situation. I told him I would have tried but it may have been too hard. So Saturday night he was at one of his friends’ houses that I’ve been to and sent me a picture of the food there. I told him I was jealous and that he was being mean by showing me. He told me that he wasn’t sure if I would have time to see him before my trip and that’s why he didn’t ask me to come over.

He also told me he didn’t know what he was going to do Wednesday since he wouldn’t see me and that is our usual night to see each other.

We both told each other that we wanted to see each other before I left but it didn’t get to happen. While I was away for the next four days we spoke every day and usually all day. I would send him pictures of what I was doing and things like that. He would tell me to behave and things like that.

The boyfriend and I, on the other hand, barely even spoke to each other. The night before I left he went out and didn’t get back to the house till about 45 minutes before I had to leave. I was so aggravated that I did not even wake him up before I left. He did the EXACT same thing to me last year and I should have expected it. And when I returned from my trip he decided to work late and go to the gym before seeing me. So I saw him for maybe two hours before we went to sleep.

The next day the Russian and I decided to see each other, it made me feel a little nervous since I had just returned from a trip but I really wanted to see him. That night we watched our show again, and then things intensified quite a bit. We did our usual kissing each other and things like that, but I finally let him touch me again. And after a certain amount of time, the discussion of sex came up.

I told him I really wanted to and I wanted him inside me. He had asked me if I was sure and I said, “Yes, as long as you don’t pull a disappearing act on me again.” He grabbed my face and told me that wouldn’t happen and that I knew why it happened.

I ended up with some various…mark on me this time as well. From him slapping my ass one of my ass cheeks was and is still bruised up. It definitely didn’t hurt at the time. Then I had some finger marks on my legs but those went away fairly quickly. And then, now this is awkward to explain, but I had a small bruise on my cheek from when he playfully bit me. We had been playing with each other and he bit my cheek, I told him it hurt a little and he didn’t believe me so I bit his shoulder. That apparently gave him a mark as well!

So we did, quite a few times that night. And it was just as great as I remembered it to be. I didn’t leave there till much later than I had planned. He was texting me on my way back, asking me questions and things like that. I pretty much snuck into my house and the boyfriend thought I was home two hours earlier than I actually was.

The Russian had texted me that Friday, pretty much all day. When he is busy at work I don’t hear a lot from him but that’s okay. And then that night we were texting, I was jealous he was watching the show without me and he said I can come over whenever I want. I told him I maybe could Saturday but he told me he had plans with one of his buddies. I told him that was fine and probably a good idea we waited to see each other again. Well the next day we were talking again and he asked me what my plans were. I told him nothing special, just cleaning and things like that. He tells me his buddy cancelled on him and the he’d be going over to the friend’s house he was at last weekend. The one whose house I had hung out at a lot with him before he pulled his disappearing act. He then asked me if I wanted to go, and I told him I would try and see if I could get away.

I was able to with some convincing of my boyfriend. I have a feeling he may be starting to get a little suspicious. So I went over to…Ben’s house and stayed over there for a little while. It was fun, we drank and just chatted like we all use to. Eventually though, the Russian got a little too intoxicated and I ended up having to drive him home. The plan was to go back to his house anyway so that wasn’t terrible. The ride home was funny and he joked around with me. However, he did get somewhat sick once we got to his house. At one point I was a little worried about him but he came back into the room and said he felt better. He was telling me how sorry he was for how drunk he got and that I deserved better and that he was being a terrible date. I told him it was okay and I forgive him, we all get drunk and it happens/

Well, we went and laid down in his bed. I was laying behind him and had my legs tangled in his with my arms around him. He was laying there and told me, “This feels perfect.” Eventually I asked him if I took my pants off would he judge me and he said no. I took my pants off just to get comfortable plus it was hot. Well one thing led to another and he hand his hands on me. As he is playing with me I, of course, start getting extremely aroused and reach forward to touch him. And lucky me, he is extremely hard. He rolls over and I proceed to start sucking on his cock. He starts whispering how badly he wants to be inside me and I moan in agreement. He tells me to reach into his drawer and get a condom, which I do.

Once he’s ready I straddled him and inserted his dick inside me. Every time we start it always hurts me a little, he is so big and it blows my mind. Well I stay on top of him for a while and this causes me to have several orgasms. Eventually I turn myself sideways and we fuck like that until I have an orgasm, and then I turn full reverse cowgirl on him. He loved that; he would slap my ass or grab my arms and pull me back onto him. He still was able to maintain control even when he was on the bottom. When I turned back around I propped myself up and he fucked me so hard. I ended up having to stop him at one point because it became too much. After multiple orgasms that way I told him I wanted him on top of me and behind me. So he put on a new condom and got on top of me.

He usually likes to throw my legs up on his shoulders or hold them up high. Where as, I prefer when I can feel him on top of me and either wrap my legs around his waist or put them flat down and hold myself up a little. Up until this point he is telling me how amazing I feel, how beautiful/sexy/gorgeous I am and then he tells me that his dick is mine. Just mine. I kind of make a “Uh huh” noise and he grabs onto my face and tells me again and asks if I want it. I tell him yes.

He then flips me over and proceeds to fuck me from behind. This is one of my favorite positions. And he is amazing at it, he knows when to go faster and harder and then when to go slower. In between him slapping my ass and pulling my hair, I have even more orgasms. Eventually we stop, this had been going on for I’d say at least an hour now, if not longer.

He starts to play with my clit and I tell him to go easy, once I’ve had so many orgasms I get very tender there. As I’m sure other ladies can agree with me. He takes that condom off and I start to touch his dick again, it’s still hard. A little pre-ejaculate comes out and I get it on my thumb so I licked it off. He asked me what that was for and I told him. He groaned and asked me if I would suck his dick. I happily obliged. Up until then he hadn’t came yet and I was starting to feel bad. I told him I wanted him to cum for me and he directed me in what he wanted. So I proceed that way until I said I wanted to fuck him till he came, he asked if I was sure and I said yes. I grabbed another condom and I get on top of him again. I have this move I do when I’m on top and I had been using it on him. He asked me if I would do that again while he fucked me. So as I was doing it, I had another orgasm which led him to cum as well. It was such an intense feeling.

Well we fall asleep naked and in each others arms. I literally passed out cold. I woke up with a start and jumped to check the time. I had a feeling it had to of been daylight. Thankfully it wasn’t as late as I had expected but I needed to leave. I started getting dressed and I told him I needed to go but I wish I could stay. He told me he did too, he held me and then walked me out.

As I was leaving he was texting me asking if his snoring had woken me up and I said no, I just woke up. He told me he hoped I enjoyed myself because he enjoyed me. We texted a little and then I got home. The boyfriend was in the living room laying on the couch. I woke him up and we went to the bedroom to go to sleep. He asked me a few details about the night but that was it. The next day he acted like it was nothing and went on and did his usual things.

The Russian texted me fairly early the day after (yesterday) and talked to me pretty much the entire day which was a surprise. He wanted to know what happened because he couldn’t remember certain things at Ben’s house and I explained some details and we laughed about it. Eventually we got onto the topic of the sex and I told him I had passed out right after he finished and he asked why. I explained why and he wanted to know how many orgasms I had. I told him an estimate and he told me he’d probably die if he had that many…once again I told him that’s why I passed out.

Eventually the conversation got to me being bored and alone; he told me I need to tell him when I was so he could invite me over. I asked him if he was ready for another go around, he tells me he had woken up ready. I revealed to him that I wanted to have sex with him again before I had left that night too.

The sex with him was absolutely amazing; he was so attentive to me and what I wanted. And the way he will look at me is so sexy. I couldn’t believe how long he lasted and how willing he was to keep going with me.

I’m just not use to that at all and I’ve told him this.

Well today we’ve been talking on and off, we are both working. But the topic of me house hunting came up. He’s been looking at houses too, just because of his living situation he may not be staying there permanently. Well we were talking about duplexes, and I know he was joking but the conversation went like this:

Him: “How about I buy one and rent you a room”

Me: “Lol I can be a very demanding tenant”

Him: “Sexually or seriously?”

Me: “Both I would say lol”

He then asks a question using a phrase I guess we are using for sex and I say that would be enough to keep me happy.

Now, I hope he was joking but I couldn’t believe he said that to me. Then he was asking about rent and things like that.

I will say, I’m so relieved that he didn’t pull another disappearing act on me. I really had a feeling that he would and I would be back to where I started. I’m worried about us getting more feelings for each other though, especially since I’m still living with my boyfriend. I really want to tell me boyfriend tonight that I want space and need to find my own place but I don’t know how to even begin that conversation.

I’m in so much deep shit right now I just don’t know what to do. We shall see though, I’m hoping soon that a house that fits my needs will make its way to me soon.

Until next time!

Just to Clear Things Up

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I just wanted to clear something up that was brought to my attention.

The Russian is NOT married, I know this for an absolute fact. He’s eight years older than me and we work for the same company. It is me that is a relationship with a BOYFRIEND I have been in a five year relationship with, so neither one of us is married.

I’m working on my next blog so until then, have a great weekend! 🙂

What’s Going On In That Beautiful Mind?

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I can’t wait to see him tonight. I literally have been looking forward to this all day today. It isn’t our usual day to see each other so I’m a little nervous. I’m not sure what to expect but I know I’ll be happy once I see him.

I have a lot to write about from the past few days but I’ll wait until after tonight’s rendezvous so I can include that as well. I just had to get it off my chest that I’m excited to see him again. How pathetic is that? I can gross myself out with my sappiness sometimes. I’m so tired of the once a week rendezvous’ but I know it has to stay this way until I get other things straightened out.

Until tomorrow…

That’s My Face

Image“When I saw him put his hands on your face I wanted to yell at him not to touch you, because that’s my face. But I couldn’t because that wouldn’t have ended well.”

That one sentence the Russian told me Wednesday night made me catch my breath. It was the first time in a while he voiced his feelings for me. The reason he said that was because he had been in the same place as the boyfriend and I had been Saturday night.

After the Thursday we had spent together last week I didn’t really hear from him until the Sunday after we saw each other. It was kind of awkward starting the conversation. We hadn’t actually seen each other out like that since we started this…whatever this is. But once we got past the awkward parts it got to how it always has been, just talking to each other and asking questions.

Seeing him Wednesday I feel made him reveal more of his feelings towards me. Once I picked up some food, he had been craving steak, I went to his house as usual. Us eating together is such a normal thing, we joke and laugh together. He has no problem giving me shit or taking my sarcasm and jokes. He paid me back for the food, I told him he didn’t have to but he insisted since it wasn’t like burgers or pasta.

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We continued where we left off on the show and cuddled on the couch with our drinks. (That’s how we usually look on the couch)

I really and truthfully don’t know how to think of him. I feel myself falling for him every time I think about that night. During our time together of course we kissed and did some of the usual things we do together. But at one point he pauses the show to ask me some questions. I’m sure I’ve said before that he has some dominant tendencies and one of the things he likes to do is touch and grab my throat.

I know there are some people who are thinking, “What the fuck?!” It isn’t something I’ve ever done before but the way he does it is such a turn on that it’s crazy to me. Well, he wanted to know why I liked it when he did that. I quietly explained that I wasn’t sure why but it just felt good. He says, “There’s no way you haven’t been grabbed like that before. I mean, who wouldn’t want to wrap you up like that and kiss you?” I just shrug and say well it has never been done before. He asked me why, I just tell him everyone has always acted like I was some delicate flower that would just break.the-notebook-face

He then mentions that he saw my boyfriend touch my face Saturday night and then said the above comment. He then added, “I shouldn’t feel that way but I can’t help it.” I honestly was shocked and didn’t know how to respond. I couldn’t tell him the thought of that broke my heart, because I want to be his. All of me.

I just laid my head against his chest and closed my eyes for a minute. He then just wrapped his arms around me and held me closer. He pressed play and the show continued on.

After we were watching it for a while, he did his usual thing where he touches my face and then squeezes my cheeks. I kind of fidget and tell him to stop because I don’t like that. He tells me I have no reason to do that, I need to stop worrying about what people think, especially him. He kind of whispers that into my ear. So I try and relax so he can touch on my face, then he starts to massage on my jaw and then my neck. I instinctively start to make little noises, not trying to sound sexy but just because it felt good.

He tells me, “If you don’t stop making those noises we’re going to have a problem.” I laugh and say, “I’m sorry but I can’t help it. It just feels nice.”

He pauses the show again, “Do you have any idea how pretty you are?” He always asks me this question, mainly because I don’t think I’m that pretty. He starts brushing my hair back and tells me to keep my eyes closed and not to move unless he moves me. He then proceeds to touch my face, running his fingers down my face to my jaw line. He then touches my neck and tilts my head to the right. He proceeds to do the same thing on the other side of my face. It’s so intense and personal for me, I’ve never just let a man stare and touch me like that.

When he’s done he says quietly, “You’re face is so symmetrical, you’re so beautiful.” I whisper thanks to him and open my eyes. “Come on, you have to know you are so far above average looking. Why else would you take those model pictures?” He’s always asked about my portfolio pictures. I just say that lots of girls take those kinds of pictures it isn’t a rare thing. He says, “But they don’t look like you.”

I tell him thank you again and just look at him. I go to lay back down on him and my phone goes off. I pick it up and see it’s from the boyfriend asking what I was doing. I said watching TV with the girls. The Russian takes my phone and looks at it. I set it back down and he says I kind of feel bad. I nod my head and get quiet. He looks at me and says “The only reason I don’t want either of us to get in trouble is so he doesn’t find out what is going on and gets hurt. Because I’ve been there before and I don’t want to make someone hurt like I did.” I kind of blatantly say if you want me to leave I will. He grabs me and says, “Don’t say that shit. I just don’t want him finding out and everything getting out of hand.” I nod my head and say I agree. He pulls me close to him and tells me I need to get my own place. I tell him I’m trying and he smiles.

The Russian has told me his last serious girlfriend cheated on him once, but it wasn’t like what we are doing he says. The rest of the night continues on. We play with each other and kiss more. When it gets later I tell him I probably should leave once the episode we are watching ends. I say I don’t want to but I should.

He asks me if we should just pause the show for a little bit. I look at him and say if you want to we can. He pauses it and sits me on top of him. We start to kiss and it’s so passionate. We kiss in the way he showed me earlier and I can tell that’s what he really likes. He grabs a handful of my hair and pulls me back from him. I look at him and he pulls my ear to his mouth. He whispers those words he knows I love hearing. I slowly make my way down and start giving him a blow job.

Not to blow my own horn but I know I rock his world every time I do this for him. He gets so into it that it makes it more fun for me. He will play with my hair and talk to me during. When we finally reached the climax and I sat up to look at him he had his eyes closed and was smiling. When he looked at me he groaned and said, “You’re going to drive me crazy with that.” I laugh and lay down next to him. When I finally stand up to get dressed he does the same. I’m not sure what or how it happened but next thing I know he picks me up and I wrap my legs around him. We kiss like that for a while and he slowly put his hand down my pants. I whisper how badly I want him and he quietly says, “You aren’t ready yet.” He sets me down and I walk to my car.

This is probably one of my favorite parts. He kept pulling me back against him and kisses my lips, neck, face and just laughs with me. I tell him he needs to quit teasing me. He then pins me against my car and kisses me hard. “Don’t call me a tease.” He tells me as he quickly puts his hand down my pants and quickly slides a finger inside me. I was in such a shock he did that I didn’t even stop him. He eventually brings his hand out and wraps his arms around me.

I’m getting ready to go out of town on a little vacation for four days and tells me I better behave myself. I say yes sir and laugh. He opens my car door and puts me in my car. He continues to kiss me so deeply. Then he wants to make sure I’m okay to drive home, I tell him I’m fine. Then, “Do you have your phone?” I nod, and smile. “Show me you have it.” I pull it out of my pocket, “See sir, I have my phone!” He does this adorable little drunk dance and tells me to text him that I made it home okay. I tell him I will. He does this dance again and says, “I’ll beat that ass if you don’t let me know you’re home safe!!” I laugh out loud and say I will and not to worry. He then leans into my car again and gives me such a deep kiss. He holds me like that for a little while and then says, “Alright little girl hit the road.”

I get home safely (obviously) I texted him and told him I was home. I thanked him for inviting me over (a little inside joke between us) the next morning he said he was glad I came and that he was more drunk than he thought. I laughed and asked if he remembered the dance he did. He didn’t and was surprised at himself.

We talked some that next day, just back and forth kind of stuff. That night I thought he seemed a little grumpy and he told me he was tired. Then he joked with me about something and that was it.

Considering today is Valentine’s Day I didn’t really expect to hear from him. It is a “love” holiday. Is it bad that I wish it would be him sending me flowers or taking me to eat somewhere? Considering the boyfriend hasn’t and probably isn’t doing anything for me it makes me sad.

I’m going to use the time I’ll be away to really figure out what it is I really want. I won’t be around either of them for a few days. But I already know what I want don’t I? I want my Russian and I want to be his.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone, I hope it started and will end better than mine.