New Year, New City, Same Me.

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It has been such a long time since I’ve written anything. Mainly because my life was entirely too hectic and dysfunctional to even sit down and process everything. So much has happened since April of last year. As you can imagine, the Russian and I continued the toxic back and forth throughout the year. What can I say, I’m a romantic masochist. Bigger news? I sold my home earlier this year and moved to a whole new state. The process was long and stressful to say the least. The Russian knew the entire time I was moving, and in typical Russian style, would say things like, “Just because you move doesn’t mean things have to end.” Ha. I didn’t officially move until the summer time, and even though I had a new place I spent basically the summer with him. Me driving to him of course, staying with him and helping him with his business venture.

Fool that I am thought maybe things could work. Maybe distance makes the heart grow fonder and he’d genuinely see he wanted me in his life. I’d even move back to be with him when my lease was up if he wanted. HA. I helped him out a lot with his business, he needed to travel at one point and I was put in charge of overseeing things so he wouldn’t go without a profit. Things were great. Things were not that great in some areas. I had been thinking a lot about where things stood or would even be going. Especially once I started officially working again, how would this work? We had maybe two days out of this last month that weren’t great. I was on my period and he wasn’t being as sexual or affectionate with me so my overthinking kicks in and I get annoyed. Fast forward and we fight. Fighting is the quickest way for the Russian to want out of anything. He isn’t emotionally equipped to handle an argument and move past it.

I returned to my city and we barely spoke. Two days later and still in a weird limbo I sent him an email. Basically, describing to him what it was I wanted, from him or any relationship, and asking him what it was he wanted. I also told him if all he wanted was for me to be a fuck buddy I would not be continuing that any further. I gave him a week. I thought he’d be quick in his response, I thought he’d come back and want to try something with me. Nope. When I reached out to him he told me, once again, he isn’t sure if he is in love with me but doesn’t necessarily want to lose me in his. I told him that was it then, he needed to allow me to move on and get over him and this ridiculous roller coaster. In the email, I told him he needed to not contact me for at least six months since I think that will be enough time to get past this. That’s been a week since this conversation.

So here I am, officially in a new city and with a new job. But feeling a little lost. I don’t know anyone here and I haven’t been single in years. I am nowhere near ready to date again, much less sleep with someone new. I’ve started a new workout routine and have decided to follow a lifelong dream of mine, getting into law school. I take my LSATs in December and that is incredibly nerve racking.

Anyone have advice on how to completely get over a toxic, long term, on/off again relationship? I am sure I will hear from him at some point, I just need to stay distracted and focused. My friends jokingly tell me once I’ve had good sex with someone else the Russian will become a distant memory. The idea of sleeping with a new person is kinda scary to me. While I have an extremely high sex drive and love sex (the Russian was the best I’ve ever had), especially certain things, I’ve never slept with multiple partners or anything like that.

This is just a brief summary of my life the past year and three months. Maybe I’ll update further on what happened, or maybe I’ll just focus on the future and what exactly is happening to me as I try to start everything over again.

Wish me luck.

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It Was a Beautiful Weekend…And Then, Shit.

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If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times. Any time I take any steps forward with the Russian something comes along and drags everything back…

This weekend is the perfect example and I just don’t know what to do at this point. The Russian finally asked me to come over and have dinner with his mom and him then watch a movie. This is something they do often but he’s never asked me to come over before. So when he did I was so excited. And that wasn’t even it, he also finally asked me if I wanted to come along with his family for a day trip to see a cousin in another city. This was something he had brought up before but didn’t invite me and I told him that it made me a little sad. But I had never brought it  up since then and just left it alone. Well those two days went great.

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I had a lot of fun just spending time with his family and him in a different environment than we normally are in. It made me actually feel like his girlfriend for once which was nice. Especially since I’ve just been feeling funny about this relationship for some reason. Equate it to my hormones being weird from a longer period or whatever but I can’t help those feelings.

Well, after we returned to town from the day trip we went back to the Russian’s house for drinks and some down time. It had been an exhausting day for the both of us. That night we had a small disagreement but got passed it and the night went on. I had been on my period all last week (literally from Saturday to Saturday) and hadn’t received any type of…satisfaction in a while. Well he must have felt bad about it so he thankfully gave me an orgasm (sadly, just one) with his hands. After he finished with me I leaned against him out of breath but still very much turned on. He then grabbed my hand and placed in on his hard cock. I slowly started to grasp it and slightly jerk him off. Basically I was just teasing him for a good amount of time. Eventually he pulled his shorts down more and tried to get me to start sucking on him. I teased him more by not letting him into my mouth, just licking him slowly or just putting the head of him into my mouth.

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I did start giving him a full blow job. As I’ve said in another post I can finally deep throat him and he’s pretty much addicted to that which makes me feel really good about myself. He wants me to get to the point he can, well, I guess you’d say throat fuck me. Some moments he can do it a little before I feel the need to come back up and other times not at all. So that’s a continued work in progress. Also, it is hard to deep throat back to back for me, which is what he asks for sometimes but I can either do it two or three times or just once and need a break that I’ll focus on other things. After he came we just laid with each other for a little while and then turned the movie back on.

At some point in the night I developed a terrible migraine that I tried to make go away by laying in his lap with an ice pack. Eventually I just went and laid in bed to rest and wait for him. He came and laid down with me later and everything was fine. Or so I thought.

At around 4ish in the morning my dog gets up and he wakes up to check on her. He grabbed my phone for light, which is perfectly fine, then he sees her and come back to bed. I see him playing on his phone so I put my hand on his leg and say, “Can’t go back to sleep?” And he says, “Nope” so I take that as a sign to give him another BJ. I know it could help him sleep plus I was hoping we’d have sex for the first time in a while. Well he starts to get a little hard then I start to suck on him. And he isn’t getting hard at all, he would a little bit and then nothing. So I stopped and asked if he wanted me to keepgoing and he told me yes, I asked if he was sure and he again said yes. I started going at it again and as before, nothing was happening. So I stopped and sat up to look at him. He shines his phone in my face and asks, “Why are random guys calling you at 4 in the morning?” I literally had no idea what he was talking about. So I respond, “Uh I have no idea why anyone would call at 4 in the morning. Who called?” He tells me to check my phone. I do because at this point I’m beyond confused and I’m also curious as to who is calling me.

I look and it’s a guy I graduated high school with, who I dated back in middle school! Never even had a hook up with him or anything sexual. He is also in a very serious relationship and I didn’t even know he had my number. So I explain this to the Russian and it’s plainly obvious he just does not believe me, because, he claims this happened with his ex. Fuck me right? I tell him I have no idea why this guy called, obviously it was just a mistake and that if I had anything to hide I sure as shit wouldn’t leave my phone sitting face up without a lock on it for him to see. I even tell him he could easily go through my phone if he wanted to. It’s like a round and round thing we go, it’s pretty obvious he still doesn’t really believe so I just don’t know what to do. I tried to call the guy back but he didn’t answer.  I tell him that I haven’t seen, spoken to or shown any interest in any other guys since he came alone or since we became official. That I don’t want anyone else and I wouldn’t jeopardize something I worked hard for and risked a lot for to just end up leaving him. Well eventually he says we should just go to sleep because nothing will get accomplished this late at night.

I don’t really fall back asleep till 7:30 that morning, I stayed up reading on my phone until I got tired. I was just so upset at the thought he didn’t believe or trust me and that I might lose him over absolutely nothing. Well we didn’t get out of bed till almost 2 that afternoon. He got up to shower and all that so I got up, brushed my teeth and washed my face then waited for him to come back into the room. He comes back in and changes then sits on the couch with me. My dog goes to him and lays in his lap he instantly starts petting her and being playful with her. We pretty much sit there in this weird silence and I just don’t know what even to say. So eventually I ask him, “So are we going to talk about things or should I just leave?” He tells me he is completely exhausted because he couldn’t sleep good, apparently my dog was moving around a lot and kept waking him up.

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Well we discussed it somewhat but nothing really got accomplished because I could tell he was too tired to really process anything. He told me he was going to go to either his mom or dad’s house that night then try and go to bed early. He asked what our (my dog and I) plans were and I just said go home and catch up on house stuff. I hadn’t been there since 6 pm Friday night.

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Well before I left I told him I just wanted to ask one question before I left. “Are you going to want to end things?” And his response was a simple, “No, I don’t think so.” Well a few minutes after that I gathered all my stuff up, loaded my vehicle and put my pup in there with everything. He walked me to my car, opened the door and then we just stood there kind of awkwardly not knowing what to say or do. So he pulled me in for a hug, kissed my cheek and forehead then we kissed each other bye. He told me, “Well I had a really good weekend…well except for earlier.” I nodded my head and said I did too. I then just stood there and said, “Well I guess I’ll see you some other time then?” And he smile and said yeah.

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That drive home was just terrible. I cried my eyes out and called my mom to tell her everything that had happened.  She knew it was ridiculous because once I told her who the guy was she actually laughed and couldn’t believe it. Mainly because this guy is about to get engaged and obviously madly in love with his girlfriend (who I have always really liked) he’s been with for a few years. AND I HAVEN’T SEEN HIM IN YEARS AND ONLY SPEAK TO HIM RARELY. I didn’t even know he had my number. She thinks I should be madder at him than anything but I don’t have it in me. I’m frustrated he didn’t give me the benefit of the doubt and jumped to the worst possible thing. I told my best friend him being that way makes me almost worried he may be doing something wrong if he gets that upset.

I finally got in touch with the guy who called me and got the answer I knew was right, here is that conversation:

Friend: “Hey (real name), sorry about calling you last night.”

Me: “Hey, why did you call me at 4 am last night?”

Friend: “I’m sorry, I was drunk and don’t think I meant to”

Me: “Okay, I wasn’t sure why. I figured it was just a mistake but wanted to make sure. Thanks.”

(I then thought to myself, I planned to show this to the Russian and should just get all my thoughts out there.)

Me: “I know it was an accident but I’d appreciate it if it didn’t happen again though. My boyfriend saw that you called and got really upset with me. I didn’t even have an answer for why you’d call, because I didn’t even know why. He means a lot to me and so does our relationship that I don’t want to jeopardize it over nothing.”

Friend: “It won’t happen again. I’m very sorry. I have been with (real name) for four and a half year. I promise it was nothing like that. Please pass my apologies along to your boyfriend.”

Me: “I will and I appreciate the apology. I knew it was just a mistake. I’m glad you and (real name) are doing good. I love you two as a couple and hope the best for you both!”

Friend: “Thank you. I wish you two the best too.”

I easily could have taken an uglier approach to it because I was super pissed about this situation but I grew up with this guy and his parents are friends with mine. I didn’t want to burn a bridge or have word get around I was a mean and bitchy person. Not like I am an angel or anything. Plus, I genuinely like the guy. We grew up together with the same group and he was one of the nicer ones to me in high school when I hit a rough time and his girlfriend is honestly the cutest and sweetest thing.

The Russian did text me later Sunday night:

Him: “Ever seen the frozen ground?”

Me: “No, I’ve never even heard of it”

An hour or so later:

Him: “It was really good”

Me: “What was it about?”

Him: “An Alaskan serial killer”

Him: “Based on a true story”

Me: “Hm it does sound interesting”

Him: “I’d give it 7.5-8”

Me: “Coming from you that’s impressive!”

And that was it, I have yet to hear anything from him since then and I know that’s his MO when he’s upset. So once that got squashed with my friend I plan to share this with the Russian whenever I see him in person, if that ever happens again. It’ll hopefully put his mind at ease when he sees that it was honestly a mistake and meant nothing. Hell, I have drunk dialed the wrong people before and didn’t remember it till they said something about it.

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So yeah, that’s my life in a nutshell right now. What do you think, reader?

Did I handle things correctly? What would you have done in this situation? How should I approach things with the Russian when this is discussed again? Have you ever had this situation happen to you? Share your thoughts!

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Keeping Score

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Ten days. 240 hours. 14400 minutes.

That’s how long it has been since I last heard from the Russian. And I wouldn’t even consider that a conversation, just an “Ok” and that was it.

I spent the night with this “man” last Saturday. From about 9 pm to 10:30 am I was with him. Not only was I with him but he was sweet on me, touching me and all that stupid touchy feely shit. Gave him how many blowjobs? Oh that’s right, FOUR.

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Do I sound pissed? Because I am.

I’m not hurt or sad, I’m pissed. Pissed I once again let a guy just use me for his own needs. Instead of being honest and telling me what he wanted he lied and made me believe there was something there.

This is why I fear being single. All these ridiculous games one plays for no other reason but to get what they want. What’s sad is I use to be able to play these games and I didn’t even like doing it.

I’m sick of men and their stupid fucking games, because we all know they continue to get away with it and probably always will. Why? I believe if a woman confronted a man about it he would turn it completely around on her and make her feel like shit. WHY? Because they know we tend to be emotional creatures and if we feel we have hurt someone or something stupid like that we will cave.

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The funny part? Not all women are emotional creatures. I may have moments when I feel emotional or get sad. Those are few and far between. The majority of the time I get annoyed and aggravated when people try to play on me emotions.

Like when the Russian told me, “That’s my face” one night we were together. Was him playing my emotions, because I never knew he felt that way about me. Oh wait, he didn’t. I just believed he did which caused me to really think about things with him.

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Fucking asshole.

I put my relationship and future at a serious risk for HIM. And for what?? Nothing. Another notch in his headboard and another number in his count. Not only did I do that but I have such serious thoughts and regrets that I honestly have to separate from my boyfriend. Because I have seen what real passion can be like, what it should be like to feel wanted and desired.

Even if the asshole that did it is obviously just playing me.

And what’s even worse? I miss him. I miss the way he could make me laugh, I miss joking with him and just spending time with him.

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Even though it is apparent that was all a game.

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Disillusioned Young One – 0

Let the games continue.

 

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Why All the Unnecessary Confusion?

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I think moments of confusion happen for everyone. Especially when you’re a woman. How many times has something happened that forces us to not only overanalyze the situation but try to figure out what happened and what we may have done wrong?

This leads many people to become confused.

I am one of those people. I’m a very strong-willed and slightly opinionated young woman in my early 20s. I also, and this is not my personal opinion, have been told I am a gorgeous young woman. I’m never alone unless I want to be but I never want to be alone so I often have chosen men who aren’t good for me or don’t have good intentions. I’m that pretty, unattainable prize that they want to attract and then win for themselves. Until they get bored with me and toss me aside. Not because of my looks, but because they attained the prize and feel good about it.

Take my ex for example. In the beginning, it was just a physical thing. I hadn’t been with anyone for a year and I was getting lonely. We knew each other since we were from the same city, even though he is about five or six years older than me. Things were great like that, no emotions or feelings. Just intimacy and sex, lots and lots of sex. Then one night, he decides to tell me he’s falling for me. I had not developed feelings at this point so it shocked me completely.

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Being a young, impressionable girl I slowly started feeling things for him. Things I told myself I’d never let happen because I KNEW he was not capable of commitment. How did I know? He had a pretty serious girlfriend I found out about after we started sleeping together. He never told me, I figured this out thanks to a friend of mine. They did end up breaking up, and he stated he wanted to be with me because in his words, “You are mine.” Wellllll wouldn’t you know, that didn’t last for too long.

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He would go hot and cold on me. Either he couldn’t get enough of me and had to be near me or else I couldn’t get a hold of him and not hear from him for days/weeks at a time. Though, I was not allowed to see other people. If he even sensed I had interest in other men he became infuriated and so jealous.

I dealt with this for a long time. Until I walked in on something that forever jaded me and has caused me an enormous amount of trust issues.

Eventually, as fate would have it, he got himself a real “girlfriend” and waited to tell me about her. Then, for the next few months I was single and had to deal with his late night calls of “I miss you” or “I wish she was you” all to which I told him to fuck off and leave me alone.

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A few months later I had been on a few dates here and there. As I said, once I was burned by him I had no trust in men and I quite enjoyed leading them on and then pulling my own disappearing acts on them. What I deal with right now with the Russian I feel is pure karma. But that’s another story.

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By the time I met my current boyfriend I had finally settled into being happy and single. I didn’t want another guy in my life to bullshit and lie to me. There were no games with him, it was all upfront and honesty with him. That changed eventually but it was nice not having to put myself in “game” mode and learn new tricks.

I always over analyze every detail. I do so until I work myself up into a state that I can only describe as completely pissed off. But I don’t vocalize it because I’m not the nagging type. And I know when I’m mad I can hit below the belt or just be straight up mean.

So with the Russian and me not speaking since Sunday it aggravates me. He should know by now I’m not going to blow his phone up. He should also know I would expect to hear from him at some point in time.

 

If this “grown man” would be fucking honest with me we wouldn’t have any problems. I would rather know this is just a sex thing or he’s unsure of his feelings because of the situation then sit here with my thumb up my arse waiting to hear something from him. Men need to realize most women would rather you be upfront in the beginning. Don’t bother with all the emotional “petting” and serious talks, if you want to just fool around or whatever just fucking say so.

Rant not really over but it’s getting there.

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No Set Expectation

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It’s been a week since my last post and what a week indeed.

I went out of town for about two days last week and was able to be out of the office for those two days.

On the second day I was out I heard from the Russian. Nothing extravagant but he was trying to joke and play with me, and I also heard from him on the next day as well. He wanted to know if I was going to an event in our city and I told him I wasn’t sure. I ended up going to the event but I didn’t mention it to him.

We didn’t speak on that Friday but the next day was his birthday and I sent him the usual “Happy Birthday!!” text. We ended up speaking pretty much the entire day. He had asked me what my plans were for the night and I stated I had dinner plans then was thinking of going to my hometown for the night. We joked with each other as we talked like we usually do.

He didn’t have anything planned for his birthday that night and inevitably he asked if I wanted to go hang out at his friend from work’s house. The friend pretty much knows the situation, since this whole thing pretty much started at his house. So when I get there the Russian is in the kitchen with his friend’s girlfriend’s little girl. We start joking together and making fun of the Russian. She is a sweet little girl and it was fun talking to her.

We all three eventually sit in the living room watching tv and continuing to make fun of the Russian. He tells me to be sweet and I roll my eyes and continue to act like a smart ass. I wasn’t going to be all sweet to him.

When she leaves with her mom it’s just the Russian, his friend and I in the kitchen talking and drinking. Eventually he decides it’s time to leave and he asks if I’m going to follow him back to his place. I kind of shrug and say sure. He walks me to my car, gives me a hug, kisses my cheek and tells me that I look really pretty tonight. I laughed and got into my car.

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As I’m following him he texts me every now and then while we drive. I know, no texting and driving but it happens and I eventually tell him to worry about his driving. We get to his house and I park in my usual spot and get out. He meets me in the garage and puts his arms around me then kisses my cheek and neck. He lingers by my neck for a little bit and then I follow him into his house.

He puts the DVD we left off on the last time and makes us a drink. I joke with him about something and he tells me I’m not being very nice. I remind him I’m only playing with him. He makes a comment that the nicer he is to me the more of a smart ass I become to him. I kind of shrug and smile. We start the show and he pulls me into him so I’m leaning on him more. He continues to play with my legs and arms. Every now and then he would play with my hair and kiss on me. Eventually he leans me forward and asks if it’s okay if he kisses me. I nod my head and we kiss for a little while. Eventually we resume watching the show and talk about what is going on and joking around. We finish that drink and he asks if I want another and I say sure. As we start another episode he again leans me forward but this time it’s to take my bra off, as usual, and then we lay down on the couch.

At some point I turn to face him and we start to kiss pretty heavily, one thing leads to another and I start touching his member. Then he whispers what I like to hear and I’m slowly making my way down to suck his dick. As this proceeds on he’s talking to me and touching me. He always keeps one hand in my hair so it stays out of my face. This continues on for a long time, I’d say at least 30 minutes. When he finishes he pulls me up to lay on top of him and we lay like that for a little while. I joke about something and he starts the show again. As usual, a woman’s breasts are shown on the show and he makes the comment that he really likes mine and that they are very nice. I say thanks and laugh, he asks me why I laughed and I just say, “Well what else am I supposed to say when you compliment my tits?” He grabs my hair and tells me to be nice.

As expected, at some point things get intense again and I start to give him another blow job. I also had been drinking for a while at this point and I look at him more during this one. He makes a comment that if I don’t stop looking at him like I was he was going to fuck me. This continues on for I’d say about 20 minutes, he keeps saying how badly he wants to be inside me and all that. I don’t stop what I’m doing and he finishes. He again pulls me on top of him and I lay on top of him for a while. Eventually I guess we fall asleep like that. Something happens, he might have snored, but I kind of woke up to check my phone. It’s about 3 am and I definitely wasn’t thinking it was that late.

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He asks me if I want to just stay the night there. I believe I said something like, “If it’s okay with you” and he tells me he wouldn’t offer if it wasn’t. So we lay like that for a little bit more.

Then he says if I’m going to stay there we may as well go to bed. At some point, after he has pulled his pants up and I’ve put my shirt back on I make some smart ass comment and he pushes me down on the couch and he gets on top of me. He grinds against me, pretty much teasing me and then he pulls me up and walks me to his bed.

He takes his sleeping pills and lays down in front of me but pulls me towards him so I’m big spoon. Well I kind of wiggle around to get comfortable and sigh a lot. This is just something I do. He tells me, “If you don’t stop with those noises you’re going to get me in trouble.” I laugh and tell him I can’t help it I’m just getting comfy.

I have a hard time sleeping in places I’m not familiar with. You would think I’d be familiar as hell in his house but I’m not. So it took me a little while to fall asleep but eventually I do. At some point I wake up and he’s kind of wrapped around me sleeping. I adjust myself to get more comfortable and go back to asleep. He gets up at some point to go to the bathroom and he comes back. I had apparently taken my shirt off in my sleep as I normally do, just a heads up. My back was to him and he pulls me closer to him and he starts to rub on my back and then my legs. Then he starts to try to put his hands down my pants. At this point I’m definitely awake. I stop him and tell him no, mainly because I’m due for a wax but also I didn’t want to have sex because apparently he just gets weird after sex. I finally tell him that I’m waiting for my wax this week and I don’t want him touching me. He informs me he doesn’t care about that and I tell him that I do. He, being a man of course, starts a conversation about shaving and waxing trying to distract me from his hand. I inform him I do both but I prefer waxing and if I shave it’ll set my schedule off. Eventually he gets the hint and stays out of my underwear but he proceeds to play with me until I have a few orgasms. He starts to get himself worked up and I give him another (yes that’s three!) blow job. This was at, seven am maybe?

We fall asleep again for another hour or two, I wake up and he’s rubbing on my ass and my back. One thing leads to another and….you guessed it, number four happened. He at first asked if I was sure because I had done a lot already, I remind him that I really enjoy doing this. So that one happens and after he finishes we lay together for a while, he runs his hand up and down my back and plays with my hair. I make a comment about his bed and he says yeah it forces you to lie next to me. I then say “Yes, that was unfortunate.” And he rolls over and pins me down to tickle me. After we have been lying around and joking we both sit up to get dressed. He gives me some water and we talk for a little bit. Poor guy had to witness me with not only bed head and crazy sexed up hair, but also my makeup was pretty much gone, I had mascara under my eyes and my eyes and lips were both puffy. I definitely didn’t look cute.

He walks me to my car and tells me he’s glad I came and stayed. I tell him the same and we kiss goodbye, he tells me to be careful. I drive back to the house and get there while the boyfriend is gone. I quickly jumped in the shower just to rinse off. I realize my lips are indeed puffy and swollen, that’s an obvious sign something was up.

Thankfully I was home alone for a few hours so I was able to rest a little and relax. I had just texted the Russian I made it home and he had said “Ok”. We haven’t spoken but I feel after spending the night together it must be a little weird for him. Plus, I haven’t had a “sleep over” in over four years so I’m weird about it too.

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I’m not sure what to think about this though, I don’t know if he expects to hear from me first or if I should give it some time. I’m definitely okay with giving it time; I’d prefer not to talk to him first.

I didn’t get to ask him about why we hadn’t spoken but I also know that at this time, whatever this is, I can’t set any expectations for him. And he can’t set any for me either.

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I finally have found a house I love and we are slowly starting the paperwork process. I did tell the Russian this because he asked if I was still house hunting. I suspect he thinks I’ll just stop looking for houses when he’s out of the picture but at this point in time I think it is necessary I move out. With all that has gone on I need some space to think.

So we will see what happens next….

 

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Am I Really That Easy To Let Go Of?

ImageSo here we are one whole week later and still…nothing.

I’m not sure what to think or do at this point, besides wanting to slap the shit out of the Russian. As I should have known he has pulled his infamous disappearing act on me again. You would think I’d know better, at least I was expecting it this time around. One of these days I’ll learn my lesson when it comes to men like him.

I recently found a house that I absolutely adore and want. So we will see how that progresses. Things with the boyfriend are slowly getting worse; he had gone out Friday night and stayed out the entire night. Not getting back to the house till 9 am the next day. I decided to go to my parents’ house and this had been planned for a few days. I just had to get away from him and the house. It was nice just getting away and thinking. He did clean the house some on Sunday which was nice, but when I got home we immediately got into an argument and he went into one room to watch TV and I stayed in the living room.

Yesterday was St. Patty’s Day and since I’ll be going out of town today and not returning till late on Wednesday I had decided to just stay home and try to spend time with him. He wanted to go out to a bar I hate, even after I told him I wanted to spend time with him. He went out and didn’t get home till a little after midnight.

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I’m happy I’ll be leaving work soon and not coming in tomorrow. I can continue playing my avoid the Russian game and the boyfriend. I almost had a run in with him this morning and he did see me. But I just waited in my car for a few minutes before I walked into the office.

Very mature of me right? Ugh.

Lesson learned; don’t sleep with your coworker. Especially if they are going to continue playing with you, leading you and then acting like you don’t fucking exist.

I also have a feeling this will be the way I act when he tries and approaches me again, which I know we all can agree with, he will:

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You’re So Far Away

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What is it that person a person want something? That craving urge that you just have to have something. Where does this come from? And why can’t I make it stop?

I have been asking myself lately what it is that I want? Unfortunately, I have not been able to really answer that question. One thing I want to know is why do people claim to want something, but fall away when they are close to getting what they wanted?

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I feel this way right now in regards to the Russian. If you read my post from last week you’ll remember that he was (as I felt) going down the same path as before. But he spoke to me a little every day. However, over the weekend he spoke to me like before. Friday night he was texting me from 1:30 in the morning to a little after 4. He had his guy friends over gaming and he finally told me that was what he had to get things ready for. I had randomly told him I like to game too, even though I had revealed this to him when we were first getting to know each other.

He claimed I was just trying to say the right stuff and I told him I had been gaming since I was young. I did say that I’m not the best at it but I just like to play.

The next day I heard from him a little, then during the later part of the afternoon he was talking to me more. Then again he was texting me late at night while they were playing again.

Him: “You should have came and played with us”

Me: “Well I didn’t get an invitation! You’re playing again tonight?”

Him: “Yea”

Me: “Not my fault you didn’t ask me old man”

Him: “We’ll have to play one day”

Then the conversation carried on a little until I passed out. The next day he texted me during the afternoon asking what I was doing and as usual, I was cleaning on a Sunday. He said he was being lazy and that I should come take a break at his house. He then asked if I’d be able to watch a few episodes of the show we have been watching or just for a few minutes. I told him I could probably watch a few episodes before leaving.

I think this was the second Sunday we’ve ever hung out together. The last one was only because I was leaving my parents’ house and he was on my way to my house.

Now when I got there he was laying on his couch already, so I laid down in front of him and put my back against his chest. We started talking a little about what was on tv and were joking around. This was one of the times we spent together not drinking or anything. Eventually he starts the show and picks it up where we had left it off last time. When the credits were starting he made me turn to face him and made some comment about me putting my ass towards him and then he kissed me. It was fairly enough, to the point he paused the show and pulled me on top of him. He had then began to play with my breasts and eventually slowly made his way to take my bra off. Once he did that he really started fondling them at that point. Eventually we stopped kissing and he had me laying on top of him, with my head laying on his. I felt like I was hurting him so I moved down a little and put my head on his chest.

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We continued to watch the show at this point. Laughing and talking at certain points together. During this point I’d kiss on his cheek or neck because I know he likes that but also I like doing that as well. He would rub on my back and squeeze my hip from time to time. Eventually we started to kiss again and things eventually picked up some speed, he started to make me…I think the term would be “grind” against him. To the point I couldn’t take it anymore so I leaned up to his ear and whispered, “May I suck your dick sir?” And he groaned and just said, “Please.”

I made my way down and started doing that to him. As usual, it was great for him and me. I didn’t want to stop and he usually lasts for a long time, I’m talking anywhere between 15 to 30 minutes and I love that. At some point he asks if he can take my shirt off and I nod my head yes. I continue sucking his dick until he comes. When he’s finished I slide myself up and lay there in his arms. He jokingly says something like all that hard work wore him out. I laugh and say something smart back. He comments on how fast my heart is beating and I remind him what I just got done doing. We lay like that for a little while and then he starts the show back up and I roll over.

I’m still topless so he continues to play with my breasts throughout that episode finishing and then the next one started. Every now and then I’d turn my head to kiss him and he’d kiss me but then he’d turn my head back to the tv. I kept playing with him about that a few times, eventually I resumed watching the show. Since I was laying in front of him he would put his hand on my hip and rub on my side. He had the arm that was under my stretched out, so every now and then I’d play with his hand and fingers; he would do the same to me.

At some point I was facing him again and we started kissing again. I eventually reached my hand down to feel him and, not surprisingly, he was hard again. After more kissing and touching he asked if I wanted to taste him again, I said yes but kept kissing him. He put his mouth next to my ear and asked me, “Will you please suck my dick again?” I moaned a little because he knows how much that turns me on. I then whispered for him to say it again, which he did, and then I started to suck his dick again.

This whole time, like last, he’s whispering little things to me and calling me baby like usual. This time it takes him about the same amount of time, maybe closer to 15 minutes to come again. He pulls me up to him afterwards and I lay next to him on my stomach, with my arms stretched up a little. He starts to massage my neck and shoulders. I eventually put my head and his chest and we lay there like that for a little bit longer.

This had been well over two hours at this point. I tell him I should probably go soon, I grab for my bra and shirt and put them both back on. He walks me to my car then kisses me and hugs me bye. He then tells me to behave myself and I tell him to do the same.

I decided to stop by the local book store and while I was browsing I realized I never told him I made it home. When I get there I text him, he asks if I got lost and I explained where I was. He called me a nerd and joked with me.

The next day I texted him first, nothing serious just something funny about me having to deal with paint fumes, he seemed concerned a little until I explained it. But then yesterday I didn’t hear from him at all, and today is Wednesday. The day we usually hang out with each other and I still haven’t heard anything from him.

This is what I’m talking about when it comes to him. Why does he do this to me? It’s so confusing sometimes. I’m not the one to go chasing after him because I felt like last week it was weird but then over the weekend things were getting back to normal. I don’t know if he’s doing his weird, awkward post get together thing. Which I wish would just stop because that is so annoying.

I just don’t know how to take him at all, and I don’t want to burden my friends with this because I feel the two who know this get tired of me talking about him.

So I’ll just vent here in the hopes someone can answer my questions for me.

Until then…

 

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You Still Mark My Skin

ImageThe marks he left on my skin are still there and it is so hard to not look at them. I remember the night perfectly and all the fun we had. Telling me you were mine and that I was yours.

But apparently those marks will be all I have until they too disappear.

Today would be one of our usual days to see each other. I hadn’t expected to hear from him about it but he did surprise me. The Russian texted me about it yesterday morning:

Him: “Hey I’m not gonna make it this week”

(He means seeing me like we usual do)

Me: “Okay lol that’s fine”

Him: “My buddy is coming in Thursday or Friday and I have stuff I need to get done before”

Me: “Alrighty lol that’s fine old man”

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I try to keep things normal and not sound harsh or upset. Because he said the last time he cancelled plans and I just said “Lol okay” he took it that I was mad.

How can a person who not even a week ago was talking to me every day and wanting me to move out to spend more time with me just do this? Was it just the sex? Is he afraid of his feelings? Or, worst case scenario, he’s seeing other people and someone else has his attention for now.

Foolishly I hope he’s just afraid of his feelings but I should be smarter about it.

So, I carry on with life. Keep looking for my own place and act like I’m not mad at my…the Russian. I don’t think mad is the right word, disappointed is better.

I have to remind myself some days, even when the Russian was present still, that I am an attractive, young woman who has a lot to offer and doesn’t need to settle. I don’t have to settle for a complacent boyfriend who is only attentive when I beg for it. I don’t have to settle for mediocrity. I don’t have to settle for bullshit answers and excuses.

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I need to get out of this funk. Put a smile on my face and focus on myself and my future.

All the while thinking of the marks and secretly not wanting them to go away.  

 

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Here We Go Again It Seems

hotmessWell it seems like the same thing that happened back in November is about to happen again. And this time I have no idea why and it hurts a lot more.

Last week we saw each other twice. One day it was for lunch, we ate together, talked and then laid down with each other. Of course, we fooled around some, no sex though. And everything was normal with us. He had a planned dinner with his family that night so we talked to each other while he was participating in that. And we were having a genuine conversation that night, discussing his family and mine. And literally every day we spoke to each other and had good conversations. It was completely normal and it was really nice.

Well Thursday we planned to see each other and we did. He asked if I would pick up some alcohol for us since he was out. I did of course and headed to his house.

At this point, my boyfriend was starting to act suspicious of what I was doing. Before he would never ask what was going on when I would be “hanging out” with my girl friends. He did that night. I explained to him what the plan was and he seemed okay with it. Well as I got to the Russians house I was a little nervous about the boyfriend.

The Russian fixed us drinks and we sat on the couch to watch the show. Now, a heads up to something, I had been on my period so I probably was letting things get to me that shouldn’t have. It seemed he wasn’t quite as affectionate as normal, I made a joke about it and we laughed it off. We ended up constantly playing with each other and tickling each other a lot. He kept telling me to watch the show when I’d kiss on him, he said because I would always say he’s distracting me from it. (I joke about it, as does he) So eventually things turn sexual, we start kissing heavily and I make my way down to suck his dick.

As I’m doing so, he is telling me that he wants to fuck me and be inside me. I had a hard time resisting that and I said something along the lines of “Not tonight” and he reaches down to reach inside my pants and I kind of squirm away. He pulls me up and asks why, I just tell him “Because” and he questions me about my need for control and if there is a reason for it. I tell him that’s not it and I want to but just…can’t right now. He looks at me and asks, “Is it that week?” I nod my head and resume my way back down to his dick. He then says, “I don’t care about that. I just want to be inside you.” I tell him I’ve never had sex during my period, which I haven’t it’s not something I care to do with the mess I assume it makes. He tells me he doesn’t care and if it makes a mess we can take a shower. I kind of shrug it off and he then says something that made me stop and confused me, “We don’t have to use one you, that’s the main reason of them. It wouldn’t bother me.” I assumed he was talking condoms and I just said, “I know you don’t care but I’ve never done that before and I don’t want to have a mess on our hands.” He tells me to go check myself and see if it’s okay. I kind of look at him and he asks if that day was the first day, I say no and he tells me it will be fine.

I go to the bathroom and…check myself; it doesn’t appear to be too bad so I go back out. He goes into the bathroom after me and I resume sitting on the couch, topless. He comes back in and says, “So is everything good?” I give a little nod and he tells me to take my pants off. I do so and he pulls a condom out, much to my relief. I like the Russian but I’m not an idiot. I climb on top of him in the reverse cowgirl position and we fuck like that, then with me on top sideways, and then normal girl on top. Eventually we move to a different area and he starts to fuck me from behind. I had been having a hard time relaxing till this point because I’m just paranoid I would leave a huge red stain on his furniture or something. Well he pulls out and I turn around, look down and thankfully there is no mess on him or me. Whew. Well he proceeds to remove the condom, stating, “See, no mess.” He asks me to suck his cock until he came. So I kneel down and proceed to do so, after he came I stand up and he grabs me and squeezes me against him.

I start to put my clothes back on and he throws his shorts back on. He comments that there was no mess and I didn’t need to be worried. Well after I pretty much just leave, it wasn’t as warm a good bye as usual but I could just be over analyzing it. I text him when I get home and he just says, “Good job ___” a nickname he calls me and then that’s it.

The next day he sends me a meme picture, I laugh at it and later send him one. He laughs at it and then I ask how his day was, since he was off.

Him: “Not bad. Worked out and since then I’ve been putting up the trim around the door and grouting the threshold. My back is not happy at all.”

Him: “Yours?”

Me: “I told you to go easy on your back old man lol and mine was okay, just the usual running around.”

And that was it for the entire day Friday, he didn’t ask about the sex like he usually would or try to hold any other conversation. So I write it off and go on with my night.

The next day went like this:

Me: “I looked at four houses today”

Him: “Any winners?”

Me: (Longish explanation of what I say, saying I loved two and was hopeful about them)

Him: “Not a bad day”

Me: “Nope”

Him: (Sends me a picture of the work he did on part of his house)

Me: “That looks really good, the color goes with the floor nicely”

Him: “Thank ya”

Me: “You did that by yourself?”

Him: “Yep”

Me: “Impressive old man, impressive”

Him: “I like the cedar look”

Me: “Yeah I do too, it’s nice”

And that’s it for Saturday. He just seemed so stand offish with me and I didn’t want to continue the conversation with him if he seems that way. The next day…nothing. I didn’t hear from him nor did I text him. Today I sent him another funny meme and he just responded with an “Lol” and nothing else.4680702886_56a6f2f5c9_z

I just don’t know how to take that at all. One minute he’s telling me his feelings and that he can’t wait till I move out and have my won place. And then now he’s acting cold with me. I’m trying not to jump to any conclusions but after being burned by him before I’m super cautious.

So what do I do? Give him a few days and just see what happens or prepare for the worst? In that case, he disappears on me again and I have to just deal with it.

Fuck. I am going to be so angry if this happens all over again and feel like a complete idiot.

Things with the boyfriend are absolutely no better. We got into a HUGE argument last night that involved me stating I had been thinking we shouldn’t live together anymore, that I just wasn’t happy and I didn’t know what would make me happy. I remind him that he pays no attention to me and only does when he wants something or if he notices I’m not all over him. Which I haven’t been since January. I told him I was tired of the fact if I wasn’t initiating everything then nothing would happen. He got upset and angry when I mentioned moving out. He said he wasn’t sure how that would work since we barely see each other and we live together. I told him exactly, we are like best friends that live together. He became really quiet at that point and I just walked away.

We slept in the same bed last night and he told me he wanted to try harder to prove that I’m a priority to him and I just broke down crying. I said, “You’ve said that before and it will last maybe two weeks and then nothing. It goes back to me feeling like I mean nothing to you. I don’t want to get my hopes up again but if you want to try then try. I can’t promise anything to you though.”

He woke up this morning like nothing was even wrong or discussed the night before.

So here I am, upset about the Russian and what he may or may not be doing. Upset with the boyfriend for finally wanting to prove himself but more than likely failing and showing me I don’t mean anything. Is it bad that I want the Russian to prove HIMSELF for once? But I have that intuition that I’ll end up disappointed by both of them.

Please, share your thoughts on all this because I have no idea on what to do next or expect.

 

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I Want To Be Yours

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So much has happened since Valentine’s Day. I may have to break this post into two separate parts! I’m trying to focus on where to begin….

After our Thursday rendezvous before Valentine’s Day things went as I had expected. I didn’t hear from the Russian on that particular day, I wasn’t expecting to because I think that would have been weird for both of us. The next day I spent packing for my trip I was preparing for and we were texting on and off during that day. As the day wore on he eventually asked me how my V-Day was…I told him that as usual I didn’t get anything from the boyfriend. He cooked some dinner but that was it, no flowers, no card and not anything sexual. The Russian then revealed to me he had wanted to ask me to come over but felt stupid because of the situation. I told him I would have tried but it may have been too hard. So Saturday night he was at one of his friends’ houses that I’ve been to and sent me a picture of the food there. I told him I was jealous and that he was being mean by showing me. He told me that he wasn’t sure if I would have time to see him before my trip and that’s why he didn’t ask me to come over.

He also told me he didn’t know what he was going to do Wednesday since he wouldn’t see me and that is our usual night to see each other.

We both told each other that we wanted to see each other before I left but it didn’t get to happen. While I was away for the next four days we spoke every day and usually all day. I would send him pictures of what I was doing and things like that. He would tell me to behave and things like that.

The boyfriend and I, on the other hand, barely even spoke to each other. The night before I left he went out and didn’t get back to the house till about 45 minutes before I had to leave. I was so aggravated that I did not even wake him up before I left. He did the EXACT same thing to me last year and I should have expected it. And when I returned from my trip he decided to work late and go to the gym before seeing me. So I saw him for maybe two hours before we went to sleep.

The next day the Russian and I decided to see each other, it made me feel a little nervous since I had just returned from a trip but I really wanted to see him. That night we watched our show again, and then things intensified quite a bit. We did our usual kissing each other and things like that, but I finally let him touch me again. And after a certain amount of time, the discussion of sex came up.

I told him I really wanted to and I wanted him inside me. He had asked me if I was sure and I said, “Yes, as long as you don’t pull a disappearing act on me again.” He grabbed my face and told me that wouldn’t happen and that I knew why it happened.

I ended up with some various…mark on me this time as well. From him slapping my ass one of my ass cheeks was and is still bruised up. It definitely didn’t hurt at the time. Then I had some finger marks on my legs but those went away fairly quickly. And then, now this is awkward to explain, but I had a small bruise on my cheek from when he playfully bit me. We had been playing with each other and he bit my cheek, I told him it hurt a little and he didn’t believe me so I bit his shoulder. That apparently gave him a mark as well!

So we did, quite a few times that night. And it was just as great as I remembered it to be. I didn’t leave there till much later than I had planned. He was texting me on my way back, asking me questions and things like that. I pretty much snuck into my house and the boyfriend thought I was home two hours earlier than I actually was.

The Russian had texted me that Friday, pretty much all day. When he is busy at work I don’t hear a lot from him but that’s okay. And then that night we were texting, I was jealous he was watching the show without me and he said I can come over whenever I want. I told him I maybe could Saturday but he told me he had plans with one of his buddies. I told him that was fine and probably a good idea we waited to see each other again. Well the next day we were talking again and he asked me what my plans were. I told him nothing special, just cleaning and things like that. He tells me his buddy cancelled on him and the he’d be going over to the friend’s house he was at last weekend. The one whose house I had hung out at a lot with him before he pulled his disappearing act. He then asked me if I wanted to go, and I told him I would try and see if I could get away.

I was able to with some convincing of my boyfriend. I have a feeling he may be starting to get a little suspicious. So I went over to…Ben’s house and stayed over there for a little while. It was fun, we drank and just chatted like we all use to. Eventually though, the Russian got a little too intoxicated and I ended up having to drive him home. The plan was to go back to his house anyway so that wasn’t terrible. The ride home was funny and he joked around with me. However, he did get somewhat sick once we got to his house. At one point I was a little worried about him but he came back into the room and said he felt better. He was telling me how sorry he was for how drunk he got and that I deserved better and that he was being a terrible date. I told him it was okay and I forgive him, we all get drunk and it happens/

Well, we went and laid down in his bed. I was laying behind him and had my legs tangled in his with my arms around him. He was laying there and told me, “This feels perfect.” Eventually I asked him if I took my pants off would he judge me and he said no. I took my pants off just to get comfortable plus it was hot. Well one thing led to another and he hand his hands on me. As he is playing with me I, of course, start getting extremely aroused and reach forward to touch him. And lucky me, he is extremely hard. He rolls over and I proceed to start sucking on his cock. He starts whispering how badly he wants to be inside me and I moan in agreement. He tells me to reach into his drawer and get a condom, which I do.

Once he’s ready I straddled him and inserted his dick inside me. Every time we start it always hurts me a little, he is so big and it blows my mind. Well I stay on top of him for a while and this causes me to have several orgasms. Eventually I turn myself sideways and we fuck like that until I have an orgasm, and then I turn full reverse cowgirl on him. He loved that; he would slap my ass or grab my arms and pull me back onto him. He still was able to maintain control even when he was on the bottom. When I turned back around I propped myself up and he fucked me so hard. I ended up having to stop him at one point because it became too much. After multiple orgasms that way I told him I wanted him on top of me and behind me. So he put on a new condom and got on top of me.

He usually likes to throw my legs up on his shoulders or hold them up high. Where as, I prefer when I can feel him on top of me and either wrap my legs around his waist or put them flat down and hold myself up a little. Up until this point he is telling me how amazing I feel, how beautiful/sexy/gorgeous I am and then he tells me that his dick is mine. Just mine. I kind of make a “Uh huh” noise and he grabs onto my face and tells me again and asks if I want it. I tell him yes.

He then flips me over and proceeds to fuck me from behind. This is one of my favorite positions. And he is amazing at it, he knows when to go faster and harder and then when to go slower. In between him slapping my ass and pulling my hair, I have even more orgasms. Eventually we stop, this had been going on for I’d say at least an hour now, if not longer.

He starts to play with my clit and I tell him to go easy, once I’ve had so many orgasms I get very tender there. As I’m sure other ladies can agree with me. He takes that condom off and I start to touch his dick again, it’s still hard. A little pre-ejaculate comes out and I get it on my thumb so I licked it off. He asked me what that was for and I told him. He groaned and asked me if I would suck his dick. I happily obliged. Up until then he hadn’t came yet and I was starting to feel bad. I told him I wanted him to cum for me and he directed me in what he wanted. So I proceed that way until I said I wanted to fuck him till he came, he asked if I was sure and I said yes. I grabbed another condom and I get on top of him again. I have this move I do when I’m on top and I had been using it on him. He asked me if I would do that again while he fucked me. So as I was doing it, I had another orgasm which led him to cum as well. It was such an intense feeling.

Well we fall asleep naked and in each others arms. I literally passed out cold. I woke up with a start and jumped to check the time. I had a feeling it had to of been daylight. Thankfully it wasn’t as late as I had expected but I needed to leave. I started getting dressed and I told him I needed to go but I wish I could stay. He told me he did too, he held me and then walked me out.

As I was leaving he was texting me asking if his snoring had woken me up and I said no, I just woke up. He told me he hoped I enjoyed myself because he enjoyed me. We texted a little and then I got home. The boyfriend was in the living room laying on the couch. I woke him up and we went to the bedroom to go to sleep. He asked me a few details about the night but that was it. The next day he acted like it was nothing and went on and did his usual things.

The Russian texted me fairly early the day after (yesterday) and talked to me pretty much the entire day which was a surprise. He wanted to know what happened because he couldn’t remember certain things at Ben’s house and I explained some details and we laughed about it. Eventually we got onto the topic of the sex and I told him I had passed out right after he finished and he asked why. I explained why and he wanted to know how many orgasms I had. I told him an estimate and he told me he’d probably die if he had that many…once again I told him that’s why I passed out.

Eventually the conversation got to me being bored and alone; he told me I need to tell him when I was so he could invite me over. I asked him if he was ready for another go around, he tells me he had woken up ready. I revealed to him that I wanted to have sex with him again before I had left that night too.

The sex with him was absolutely amazing; he was so attentive to me and what I wanted. And the way he will look at me is so sexy. I couldn’t believe how long he lasted and how willing he was to keep going with me.

I’m just not use to that at all and I’ve told him this.

Well today we’ve been talking on and off, we are both working. But the topic of me house hunting came up. He’s been looking at houses too, just because of his living situation he may not be staying there permanently. Well we were talking about duplexes, and I know he was joking but the conversation went like this:

Him: “How about I buy one and rent you a room”

Me: “Lol I can be a very demanding tenant”

Him: “Sexually or seriously?”

Me: “Both I would say lol”

He then asks a question using a phrase I guess we are using for sex and I say that would be enough to keep me happy.

Now, I hope he was joking but I couldn’t believe he said that to me. Then he was asking about rent and things like that.

I will say, I’m so relieved that he didn’t pull another disappearing act on me. I really had a feeling that he would and I would be back to where I started. I’m worried about us getting more feelings for each other though, especially since I’m still living with my boyfriend. I really want to tell me boyfriend tonight that I want space and need to find my own place but I don’t know how to even begin that conversation.

I’m in so much deep shit right now I just don’t know what to do. We shall see though, I’m hoping soon that a house that fits my needs will make its way to me soon.

Until next time!