It Was a Beautiful Weekend…And Then, Shit.

tumblr_ni71qiFiYj1rmdodwo1_500

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times. Any time I take any steps forward with the Russian something comes along and drags everything back…

This weekend is the perfect example and I just don’t know what to do at this point. The Russian finally asked me to come over and have dinner with his mom and him then watch a movie. This is something they do often but he’s never asked me to come over before. So when he did I was so excited. And that wasn’t even it, he also finally asked me if I wanted to come along with his family for a day trip to see a cousin in another city. This was something he had brought up before but didn’t invite me and I told him that it made me a little sad. But I had never brought it  up since then and just left it alone. Well those two days went great.

tumblr_ngynb6krVm1tzap87o1_500

I had a lot of fun just spending time with his family and him in a different environment than we normally are in. It made me actually feel like his girlfriend for once which was nice. Especially since I’ve just been feeling funny about this relationship for some reason. Equate it to my hormones being weird from a longer period or whatever but I can’t help those feelings.

Well, after we returned to town from the day trip we went back to the Russian’s house for drinks and some down time. It had been an exhausting day for the both of us. That night we had a small disagreement but got passed it and the night went on. I had been on my period all last week (literally from Saturday to Saturday) and hadn’t received any type of…satisfaction in a while. Well he must have felt bad about it so he thankfully gave me an orgasm (sadly, just one) with his hands. After he finished with me I leaned against him out of breath but still very much turned on. He then grabbed my hand and placed in on his hard cock. I slowly started to grasp it and slightly jerk him off. Basically I was just teasing him for a good amount of time. Eventually he pulled his shorts down more and tried to get me to start sucking on him. I teased him more by not letting him into my mouth, just licking him slowly or just putting the head of him into my mouth.

leonardo-dicaprio-wolf-of-wall-street

I did start giving him a full blow job. As I’ve said in another post I can finally deep throat him and he’s pretty much addicted to that which makes me feel really good about myself. He wants me to get to the point he can, well, I guess you’d say throat fuck me. Some moments he can do it a little before I feel the need to come back up and other times not at all. So that’s a continued work in progress. Also, it is hard to deep throat back to back for me, which is what he asks for sometimes but I can either do it two or three times or just once and need a break that I’ll focus on other things. After he came we just laid with each other for a little while and then turned the movie back on.

At some point in the night I developed a terrible migraine that I tried to make go away by laying in his lap with an ice pack. Eventually I just went and laid in bed to rest and wait for him. He came and laid down with me later and everything was fine. Or so I thought.

At around 4ish in the morning my dog gets up and he wakes up to check on her. He grabbed my phone for light, which is perfectly fine, then he sees her and come back to bed. I see him playing on his phone so I put my hand on his leg and say, “Can’t go back to sleep?” And he says, “Nope” so I take that as a sign to give him another BJ. I know it could help him sleep plus I was hoping we’d have sex for the first time in a while. Well he starts to get a little hard then I start to suck on him. And he isn’t getting hard at all, he would a little bit and then nothing. So I stopped and asked if he wanted me to keepgoing and he told me yes, I asked if he was sure and he again said yes. I started going at it again and as before, nothing was happening. So I stopped and sat up to look at him. He shines his phone in my face and asks, “Why are random guys calling you at 4 in the morning?” I literally had no idea what he was talking about. So I respond, “Uh I have no idea why anyone would call at 4 in the morning. Who called?” He tells me to check my phone. I do because at this point I’m beyond confused and I’m also curious as to who is calling me.

I look and it’s a guy I graduated high school with, who I dated back in middle school! Never even had a hook up with him or anything sexual. He is also in a very serious relationship and I didn’t even know he had my number. So I explain this to the Russian and it’s plainly obvious he just does not believe me, because, he claims this happened with his ex. Fuck me right? I tell him I have no idea why this guy called, obviously it was just a mistake and that if I had anything to hide I sure as shit wouldn’t leave my phone sitting face up without a lock on it for him to see. I even tell him he could easily go through my phone if he wanted to. It’s like a round and round thing we go, it’s pretty obvious he still doesn’t really believe so I just don’t know what to do. I tried to call the guy back but he didn’t answer.  I tell him that I haven’t seen, spoken to or shown any interest in any other guys since he came alone or since we became official. That I don’t want anyone else and I wouldn’t jeopardize something I worked hard for and risked a lot for to just end up leaving him. Well eventually he says we should just go to sleep because nothing will get accomplished this late at night.

I don’t really fall back asleep till 7:30 that morning, I stayed up reading on my phone until I got tired. I was just so upset at the thought he didn’t believe or trust me and that I might lose him over absolutely nothing. Well we didn’t get out of bed till almost 2 that afternoon. He got up to shower and all that so I got up, brushed my teeth and washed my face then waited for him to come back into the room. He comes back in and changes then sits on the couch with me. My dog goes to him and lays in his lap he instantly starts petting her and being playful with her. We pretty much sit there in this weird silence and I just don’t know what even to say. So eventually I ask him, “So are we going to talk about things or should I just leave?” He tells me he is completely exhausted because he couldn’t sleep good, apparently my dog was moving around a lot and kept waking him up.

tumblr_mmyzz1uBpO1s6gfh9o1_250

Well we discussed it somewhat but nothing really got accomplished because I could tell he was too tired to really process anything. He told me he was going to go to either his mom or dad’s house that night then try and go to bed early. He asked what our (my dog and I) plans were and I just said go home and catch up on house stuff. I hadn’t been there since 6 pm Friday night.

tumblr_nf07tlqtt31rsv47uo1_400

Well before I left I told him I just wanted to ask one question before I left. “Are you going to want to end things?” And his response was a simple, “No, I don’t think so.” Well a few minutes after that I gathered all my stuff up, loaded my vehicle and put my pup in there with everything. He walked me to my car, opened the door and then we just stood there kind of awkwardly not knowing what to say or do. So he pulled me in for a hug, kissed my cheek and forehead then we kissed each other bye. He told me, “Well I had a really good weekend…well except for earlier.” I nodded my head and said I did too. I then just stood there and said, “Well I guess I’ll see you some other time then?” And he smile and said yeah.

tumblr_n6p9ucxwZw1rkbqbko1_500

That drive home was just terrible. I cried my eyes out and called my mom to tell her everything that had happened.  She knew it was ridiculous because once I told her who the guy was she actually laughed and couldn’t believe it. Mainly because this guy is about to get engaged and obviously madly in love with his girlfriend (who I have always really liked) he’s been with for a few years. AND I HAVEN’T SEEN HIM IN YEARS AND ONLY SPEAK TO HIM RARELY. I didn’t even know he had my number. She thinks I should be madder at him than anything but I don’t have it in me. I’m frustrated he didn’t give me the benefit of the doubt and jumped to the worst possible thing. I told my best friend him being that way makes me almost worried he may be doing something wrong if he gets that upset.

I finally got in touch with the guy who called me and got the answer I knew was right, here is that conversation:

Friend: “Hey (real name), sorry about calling you last night.”

Me: “Hey, why did you call me at 4 am last night?”

Friend: “I’m sorry, I was drunk and don’t think I meant to”

Me: “Okay, I wasn’t sure why. I figured it was just a mistake but wanted to make sure. Thanks.”

(I then thought to myself, I planned to show this to the Russian and should just get all my thoughts out there.)

Me: “I know it was an accident but I’d appreciate it if it didn’t happen again though. My boyfriend saw that you called and got really upset with me. I didn’t even have an answer for why you’d call, because I didn’t even know why. He means a lot to me and so does our relationship that I don’t want to jeopardize it over nothing.”

Friend: “It won’t happen again. I’m very sorry. I have been with (real name) for four and a half year. I promise it was nothing like that. Please pass my apologies along to your boyfriend.”

Me: “I will and I appreciate the apology. I knew it was just a mistake. I’m glad you and (real name) are doing good. I love you two as a couple and hope the best for you both!”

Friend: “Thank you. I wish you two the best too.”

I easily could have taken an uglier approach to it because I was super pissed about this situation but I grew up with this guy and his parents are friends with mine. I didn’t want to burn a bridge or have word get around I was a mean and bitchy person. Not like I am an angel or anything. Plus, I genuinely like the guy. We grew up together with the same group and he was one of the nicer ones to me in high school when I hit a rough time and his girlfriend is honestly the cutest and sweetest thing.

The Russian did text me later Sunday night:

Him: “Ever seen the frozen ground?”

Me: “No, I’ve never even heard of it”

An hour or so later:

Him: “It was really good”

Me: “What was it about?”

Him: “An Alaskan serial killer”

Him: “Based on a true story”

Me: “Hm it does sound interesting”

Him: “I’d give it 7.5-8”

Me: “Coming from you that’s impressive!”

And that was it, I have yet to hear anything from him since then and I know that’s his MO when he’s upset. So once that got squashed with my friend I plan to share this with the Russian whenever I see him in person, if that ever happens again. It’ll hopefully put his mind at ease when he sees that it was honestly a mistake and meant nothing. Hell, I have drunk dialed the wrong people before and didn’t remember it till they said something about it.

tumblr_nf8t8shthh1u2gukmo1_500

So yeah, that’s my life in a nutshell right now. What do you think, reader?

Did I handle things correctly? What would you have done in this situation? How should I approach things with the Russian when this is discussed again? Have you ever had this situation happen to you? Share your thoughts!

tumblr_ni79u5DiyE1qfdwsio1_400

Keeping Score

Image

Ten days. 240 hours. 14400 minutes.

That’s how long it has been since I last heard from the Russian. And I wouldn’t even consider that a conversation, just an “Ok” and that was it.

I spent the night with this “man” last Saturday. From about 9 pm to 10:30 am I was with him. Not only was I with him but he was sweet on me, touching me and all that stupid touchy feely shit. Gave him how many blowjobs? Oh that’s right, FOUR.

really

Do I sound pissed? Because I am.

I’m not hurt or sad, I’m pissed. Pissed I once again let a guy just use me for his own needs. Instead of being honest and telling me what he wanted he lied and made me believe there was something there.

This is why I fear being single. All these ridiculous games one plays for no other reason but to get what they want. What’s sad is I use to be able to play these games and I didn’t even like doing it.

I’m sick of men and their stupid fucking games, because we all know they continue to get away with it and probably always will. Why? I believe if a woman confronted a man about it he would turn it completely around on her and make her feel like shit. WHY? Because they know we tend to be emotional creatures and if we feel we have hurt someone or something stupid like that we will cave.

shut-the-f-up

The funny part? Not all women are emotional creatures. I may have moments when I feel emotional or get sad. Those are few and far between. The majority of the time I get annoyed and aggravated when people try to play on me emotions.

Like when the Russian told me, “That’s my face” one night we were together. Was him playing my emotions, because I never knew he felt that way about me. Oh wait, he didn’t. I just believed he did which caused me to really think about things with him.

tumblr_n2jistvRi21sgrg63o1_500

Fucking asshole.

I put my relationship and future at a serious risk for HIM. And for what?? Nothing. Another notch in his headboard and another number in his count. Not only did I do that but I have such serious thoughts and regrets that I honestly have to separate from my boyfriend. Because I have seen what real passion can be like, what it should be like to feel wanted and desired.

Even if the asshole that did it is obviously just playing me.

And what’s even worse? I miss him. I miss the way he could make me laugh, I miss joking with him and just spending time with him.

notworthit

Even though it is apparent that was all a game.

Russian-2

Disillusioned Young One – 0

Let the games continue.

 

tumblr_n1q1ygCLO51su9uo7o1_500

Why All the Unnecessary Confusion?

Image

I think moments of confusion happen for everyone. Especially when you’re a woman. How many times has something happened that forces us to not only overanalyze the situation but try to figure out what happened and what we may have done wrong?

This leads many people to become confused.

I am one of those people. I’m a very strong-willed and slightly opinionated young woman in my early 20s. I also, and this is not my personal opinion, have been told I am a gorgeous young woman. I’m never alone unless I want to be but I never want to be alone so I often have chosen men who aren’t good for me or don’t have good intentions. I’m that pretty, unattainable prize that they want to attract and then win for themselves. Until they get bored with me and toss me aside. Not because of my looks, but because they attained the prize and feel good about it.

Take my ex for example. In the beginning, it was just a physical thing. I hadn’t been with anyone for a year and I was getting lonely. We knew each other since we were from the same city, even though he is about five or six years older than me. Things were great like that, no emotions or feelings. Just intimacy and sex, lots and lots of sex. Then one night, he decides to tell me he’s falling for me. I had not developed feelings at this point so it shocked me completely.

tumblr_m7puoef5mB1ryphsvo1_500

Being a young, impressionable girl I slowly started feeling things for him. Things I told myself I’d never let happen because I KNEW he was not capable of commitment. How did I know? He had a pretty serious girlfriend I found out about after we started sleeping together. He never told me, I figured this out thanks to a friend of mine. They did end up breaking up, and he stated he wanted to be with me because in his words, “You are mine.” Wellllll wouldn’t you know, that didn’t last for too long.

tumblr_n33r2rlWOZ1twpupuo1_500

He would go hot and cold on me. Either he couldn’t get enough of me and had to be near me or else I couldn’t get a hold of him and not hear from him for days/weeks at a time. Though, I was not allowed to see other people. If he even sensed I had interest in other men he became infuriated and so jealous.

I dealt with this for a long time. Until I walked in on something that forever jaded me and has caused me an enormous amount of trust issues.

Eventually, as fate would have it, he got himself a real “girlfriend” and waited to tell me about her. Then, for the next few months I was single and had to deal with his late night calls of “I miss you” or “I wish she was you” all to which I told him to fuck off and leave me alone.

who-gives-a-shit

A few months later I had been on a few dates here and there. As I said, once I was burned by him I had no trust in men and I quite enjoyed leading them on and then pulling my own disappearing acts on them. What I deal with right now with the Russian I feel is pure karma. But that’s another story.

tumblr_n3225dzjBq1rkbqbko1_500

By the time I met my current boyfriend I had finally settled into being happy and single. I didn’t want another guy in my life to bullshit and lie to me. There were no games with him, it was all upfront and honesty with him. That changed eventually but it was nice not having to put myself in “game” mode and learn new tricks.

I always over analyze every detail. I do so until I work myself up into a state that I can only describe as completely pissed off. But I don’t vocalize it because I’m not the nagging type. And I know when I’m mad I can hit below the belt or just be straight up mean.

So with the Russian and me not speaking since Sunday it aggravates me. He should know by now I’m not going to blow his phone up. He should also know I would expect to hear from him at some point in time.

 

If this “grown man” would be fucking honest with me we wouldn’t have any problems. I would rather know this is just a sex thing or he’s unsure of his feelings because of the situation then sit here with my thumb up my arse waiting to hear something from him. Men need to realize most women would rather you be upfront in the beginning. Don’t bother with all the emotional “petting” and serious talks, if you want to just fool around or whatever just fucking say so.

Rant not really over but it’s getting there.

tumblr_n3227lbfXj1rkbqbko1_500

No Set Expectation

Image

It’s been a week since my last post and what a week indeed.

I went out of town for about two days last week and was able to be out of the office for those two days.

On the second day I was out I heard from the Russian. Nothing extravagant but he was trying to joke and play with me, and I also heard from him on the next day as well. He wanted to know if I was going to an event in our city and I told him I wasn’t sure. I ended up going to the event but I didn’t mention it to him.

We didn’t speak on that Friday but the next day was his birthday and I sent him the usual “Happy Birthday!!” text. We ended up speaking pretty much the entire day. He had asked me what my plans were for the night and I stated I had dinner plans then was thinking of going to my hometown for the night. We joked with each other as we talked like we usually do.

He didn’t have anything planned for his birthday that night and inevitably he asked if I wanted to go hang out at his friend from work’s house. The friend pretty much knows the situation, since this whole thing pretty much started at his house. So when I get there the Russian is in the kitchen with his friend’s girlfriend’s little girl. We start joking together and making fun of the Russian. She is a sweet little girl and it was fun talking to her.

We all three eventually sit in the living room watching tv and continuing to make fun of the Russian. He tells me to be sweet and I roll my eyes and continue to act like a smart ass. I wasn’t going to be all sweet to him.

When she leaves with her mom it’s just the Russian, his friend and I in the kitchen talking and drinking. Eventually he decides it’s time to leave and he asks if I’m going to follow him back to his place. I kind of shrug and say sure. He walks me to my car, gives me a hug, kisses my cheek and tells me that I look really pretty tonight. I laughed and got into my car.

tumblr_n2whtmX78r1rfduvxo1_500

As I’m following him he texts me every now and then while we drive. I know, no texting and driving but it happens and I eventually tell him to worry about his driving. We get to his house and I park in my usual spot and get out. He meets me in the garage and puts his arms around me then kisses my cheek and neck. He lingers by my neck for a little bit and then I follow him into his house.

He puts the DVD we left off on the last time and makes us a drink. I joke with him about something and he tells me I’m not being very nice. I remind him I’m only playing with him. He makes a comment that the nicer he is to me the more of a smart ass I become to him. I kind of shrug and smile. We start the show and he pulls me into him so I’m leaning on him more. He continues to play with my legs and arms. Every now and then he would play with my hair and kiss on me. Eventually he leans me forward and asks if it’s okay if he kisses me. I nod my head and we kiss for a little while. Eventually we resume watching the show and talk about what is going on and joking around. We finish that drink and he asks if I want another and I say sure. As we start another episode he again leans me forward but this time it’s to take my bra off, as usual, and then we lay down on the couch.

At some point I turn to face him and we start to kiss pretty heavily, one thing leads to another and I start touching his member. Then he whispers what I like to hear and I’m slowly making my way down to suck his dick. As this proceeds on he’s talking to me and touching me. He always keeps one hand in my hair so it stays out of my face. This continues on for a long time, I’d say at least 30 minutes. When he finishes he pulls me up to lay on top of him and we lay like that for a little while. I joke about something and he starts the show again. As usual, a woman’s breasts are shown on the show and he makes the comment that he really likes mine and that they are very nice. I say thanks and laugh, he asks me why I laughed and I just say, “Well what else am I supposed to say when you compliment my tits?” He grabs my hair and tells me to be nice.

As expected, at some point things get intense again and I start to give him another blow job. I also had been drinking for a while at this point and I look at him more during this one. He makes a comment that if I don’t stop looking at him like I was he was going to fuck me. This continues on for I’d say about 20 minutes, he keeps saying how badly he wants to be inside me and all that. I don’t stop what I’m doing and he finishes. He again pulls me on top of him and I lay on top of him for a while. Eventually I guess we fall asleep like that. Something happens, he might have snored, but I kind of woke up to check my phone. It’s about 3 am and I definitely wasn’t thinking it was that late.

tumblr_m6oa1iSxG01qdkurio1_500

He asks me if I want to just stay the night there. I believe I said something like, “If it’s okay with you” and he tells me he wouldn’t offer if it wasn’t. So we lay like that for a little bit more.

Then he says if I’m going to stay there we may as well go to bed. At some point, after he has pulled his pants up and I’ve put my shirt back on I make some smart ass comment and he pushes me down on the couch and he gets on top of me. He grinds against me, pretty much teasing me and then he pulls me up and walks me to his bed.

He takes his sleeping pills and lays down in front of me but pulls me towards him so I’m big spoon. Well I kind of wiggle around to get comfortable and sigh a lot. This is just something I do. He tells me, “If you don’t stop with those noises you’re going to get me in trouble.” I laugh and tell him I can’t help it I’m just getting comfy.

I have a hard time sleeping in places I’m not familiar with. You would think I’d be familiar as hell in his house but I’m not. So it took me a little while to fall asleep but eventually I do. At some point I wake up and he’s kind of wrapped around me sleeping. I adjust myself to get more comfortable and go back to asleep. He gets up at some point to go to the bathroom and he comes back. I had apparently taken my shirt off in my sleep as I normally do, just a heads up. My back was to him and he pulls me closer to him and he starts to rub on my back and then my legs. Then he starts to try to put his hands down my pants. At this point I’m definitely awake. I stop him and tell him no, mainly because I’m due for a wax but also I didn’t want to have sex because apparently he just gets weird after sex. I finally tell him that I’m waiting for my wax this week and I don’t want him touching me. He informs me he doesn’t care about that and I tell him that I do. He, being a man of course, starts a conversation about shaving and waxing trying to distract me from his hand. I inform him I do both but I prefer waxing and if I shave it’ll set my schedule off. Eventually he gets the hint and stays out of my underwear but he proceeds to play with me until I have a few orgasms. He starts to get himself worked up and I give him another (yes that’s three!) blow job. This was at, seven am maybe?

We fall asleep again for another hour or two, I wake up and he’s rubbing on my ass and my back. One thing leads to another and….you guessed it, number four happened. He at first asked if I was sure because I had done a lot already, I remind him that I really enjoy doing this. So that one happens and after he finishes we lay together for a while, he runs his hand up and down my back and plays with my hair. I make a comment about his bed and he says yeah it forces you to lie next to me. I then say “Yes, that was unfortunate.” And he rolls over and pins me down to tickle me. After we have been lying around and joking we both sit up to get dressed. He gives me some water and we talk for a little bit. Poor guy had to witness me with not only bed head and crazy sexed up hair, but also my makeup was pretty much gone, I had mascara under my eyes and my eyes and lips were both puffy. I definitely didn’t look cute.

He walks me to my car and tells me he’s glad I came and stayed. I tell him the same and we kiss goodbye, he tells me to be careful. I drive back to the house and get there while the boyfriend is gone. I quickly jumped in the shower just to rinse off. I realize my lips are indeed puffy and swollen, that’s an obvious sign something was up.

Thankfully I was home alone for a few hours so I was able to rest a little and relax. I had just texted the Russian I made it home and he had said “Ok”. We haven’t spoken but I feel after spending the night together it must be a little weird for him. Plus, I haven’t had a “sleep over” in over four years so I’m weird about it too.

judge4

I’m not sure what to think about this though, I don’t know if he expects to hear from me first or if I should give it some time. I’m definitely okay with giving it time; I’d prefer not to talk to him first.

I didn’t get to ask him about why we hadn’t spoken but I also know that at this time, whatever this is, I can’t set any expectations for him. And he can’t set any for me either.

tumblr_n26yt3Esel1qg9kfqo1_500

I finally have found a house I love and we are slowly starting the paperwork process. I did tell the Russian this because he asked if I was still house hunting. I suspect he thinks I’ll just stop looking for houses when he’s out of the picture but at this point in time I think it is necessary I move out. With all that has gone on I need some space to think.

So we will see what happens next….

 

tumblr_n26yw8vicL1qg9kfqo1_500

Am I Really That Easy To Let Go Of?

ImageSo here we are one whole week later and still…nothing.

I’m not sure what to think or do at this point, besides wanting to slap the shit out of the Russian. As I should have known he has pulled his infamous disappearing act on me again. You would think I’d know better, at least I was expecting it this time around. One of these days I’ll learn my lesson when it comes to men like him.

I recently found a house that I absolutely adore and want. So we will see how that progresses. Things with the boyfriend are slowly getting worse; he had gone out Friday night and stayed out the entire night. Not getting back to the house till 9 am the next day. I decided to go to my parents’ house and this had been planned for a few days. I just had to get away from him and the house. It was nice just getting away and thinking. He did clean the house some on Sunday which was nice, but when I got home we immediately got into an argument and he went into one room to watch TV and I stayed in the living room.

Yesterday was St. Patty’s Day and since I’ll be going out of town today and not returning till late on Wednesday I had decided to just stay home and try to spend time with him. He wanted to go out to a bar I hate, even after I told him I wanted to spend time with him. He went out and didn’t get home till a little after midnight.

shut-the-f-up

I’m happy I’ll be leaving work soon and not coming in tomorrow. I can continue playing my avoid the Russian game and the boyfriend. I almost had a run in with him this morning and he did see me. But I just waited in my car for a few minutes before I walked into the office.

Very mature of me right? Ugh.

Lesson learned; don’t sleep with your coworker. Especially if they are going to continue playing with you, leading you and then acting like you don’t fucking exist.

I also have a feeling this will be the way I act when he tries and approaches me again, which I know we all can agree with, he will:

3-1

You’re So Far Away

Image

What is it that person a person want something? That craving urge that you just have to have something. Where does this come from? And why can’t I make it stop?

I have been asking myself lately what it is that I want? Unfortunately, I have not been able to really answer that question. One thing I want to know is why do people claim to want something, but fall away when they are close to getting what they wanted?

tumblr_mw0vt8nYCJ1qmbg8bo1_500

 

I feel this way right now in regards to the Russian. If you read my post from last week you’ll remember that he was (as I felt) going down the same path as before. But he spoke to me a little every day. However, over the weekend he spoke to me like before. Friday night he was texting me from 1:30 in the morning to a little after 4. He had his guy friends over gaming and he finally told me that was what he had to get things ready for. I had randomly told him I like to game too, even though I had revealed this to him when we were first getting to know each other.

He claimed I was just trying to say the right stuff and I told him I had been gaming since I was young. I did say that I’m not the best at it but I just like to play.

The next day I heard from him a little, then during the later part of the afternoon he was talking to me more. Then again he was texting me late at night while they were playing again.

Him: “You should have came and played with us”

Me: “Well I didn’t get an invitation! You’re playing again tonight?”

Him: “Yea”

Me: “Not my fault you didn’t ask me old man”

Him: “We’ll have to play one day”

Then the conversation carried on a little until I passed out. The next day he texted me during the afternoon asking what I was doing and as usual, I was cleaning on a Sunday. He said he was being lazy and that I should come take a break at his house. He then asked if I’d be able to watch a few episodes of the show we have been watching or just for a few minutes. I told him I could probably watch a few episodes before leaving.

I think this was the second Sunday we’ve ever hung out together. The last one was only because I was leaving my parents’ house and he was on my way to my house.

Now when I got there he was laying on his couch already, so I laid down in front of him and put my back against his chest. We started talking a little about what was on tv and were joking around. This was one of the times we spent together not drinking or anything. Eventually he starts the show and picks it up where we had left it off last time. When the credits were starting he made me turn to face him and made some comment about me putting my ass towards him and then he kissed me. It was fairly enough, to the point he paused the show and pulled me on top of him. He had then began to play with my breasts and eventually slowly made his way to take my bra off. Once he did that he really started fondling them at that point. Eventually we stopped kissing and he had me laying on top of him, with my head laying on his. I felt like I was hurting him so I moved down a little and put my head on his chest.

thCABLRN8I

 

We continued to watch the show at this point. Laughing and talking at certain points together. During this point I’d kiss on his cheek or neck because I know he likes that but also I like doing that as well. He would rub on my back and squeeze my hip from time to time. Eventually we started to kiss again and things eventually picked up some speed, he started to make me…I think the term would be “grind” against him. To the point I couldn’t take it anymore so I leaned up to his ear and whispered, “May I suck your dick sir?” And he groaned and just said, “Please.”

I made my way down and started doing that to him. As usual, it was great for him and me. I didn’t want to stop and he usually lasts for a long time, I’m talking anywhere between 15 to 30 minutes and I love that. At some point he asks if he can take my shirt off and I nod my head yes. I continue sucking his dick until he comes. When he’s finished I slide myself up and lay there in his arms. He jokingly says something like all that hard work wore him out. I laugh and say something smart back. He comments on how fast my heart is beating and I remind him what I just got done doing. We lay like that for a little while and then he starts the show back up and I roll over.

I’m still topless so he continues to play with my breasts throughout that episode finishing and then the next one started. Every now and then I’d turn my head to kiss him and he’d kiss me but then he’d turn my head back to the tv. I kept playing with him about that a few times, eventually I resumed watching the show. Since I was laying in front of him he would put his hand on my hip and rub on my side. He had the arm that was under my stretched out, so every now and then I’d play with his hand and fingers; he would do the same to me.

At some point I was facing him again and we started kissing again. I eventually reached my hand down to feel him and, not surprisingly, he was hard again. After more kissing and touching he asked if I wanted to taste him again, I said yes but kept kissing him. He put his mouth next to my ear and asked me, “Will you please suck my dick again?” I moaned a little because he knows how much that turns me on. I then whispered for him to say it again, which he did, and then I started to suck his dick again.

This whole time, like last, he’s whispering little things to me and calling me baby like usual. This time it takes him about the same amount of time, maybe closer to 15 minutes to come again. He pulls me up to him afterwards and I lay next to him on my stomach, with my arms stretched up a little. He starts to massage my neck and shoulders. I eventually put my head and his chest and we lay there like that for a little bit longer.

This had been well over two hours at this point. I tell him I should probably go soon, I grab for my bra and shirt and put them both back on. He walks me to my car then kisses me and hugs me bye. He then tells me to behave myself and I tell him to do the same.

I decided to stop by the local book store and while I was browsing I realized I never told him I made it home. When I get there I text him, he asks if I got lost and I explained where I was. He called me a nerd and joked with me.

The next day I texted him first, nothing serious just something funny about me having to deal with paint fumes, he seemed concerned a little until I explained it. But then yesterday I didn’t hear from him at all, and today is Wednesday. The day we usually hang out with each other and I still haven’t heard anything from him.

This is what I’m talking about when it comes to him. Why does he do this to me? It’s so confusing sometimes. I’m not the one to go chasing after him because I felt like last week it was weird but then over the weekend things were getting back to normal. I don’t know if he’s doing his weird, awkward post get together thing. Which I wish would just stop because that is so annoying.

I just don’t know how to take him at all, and I don’t want to burden my friends with this because I feel the two who know this get tired of me talking about him.

So I’ll just vent here in the hopes someone can answer my questions for me.

Until then…

 

tumblr_n1bpa9Kmfh1rxq5upo1_500

You Still Mark My Skin

ImageThe marks he left on my skin are still there and it is so hard to not look at them. I remember the night perfectly and all the fun we had. Telling me you were mine and that I was yours.

But apparently those marks will be all I have until they too disappear.

Today would be one of our usual days to see each other. I hadn’t expected to hear from him about it but he did surprise me. The Russian texted me about it yesterday morning:

Him: “Hey I’m not gonna make it this week”

(He means seeing me like we usual do)

Me: “Okay lol that’s fine”

Him: “My buddy is coming in Thursday or Friday and I have stuff I need to get done before”

Me: “Alrighty lol that’s fine old man”

 37

 

I try to keep things normal and not sound harsh or upset. Because he said the last time he cancelled plans and I just said “Lol okay” he took it that I was mad.

How can a person who not even a week ago was talking to me every day and wanting me to move out to spend more time with me just do this? Was it just the sex? Is he afraid of his feelings? Or, worst case scenario, he’s seeing other people and someone else has his attention for now.

Foolishly I hope he’s just afraid of his feelings but I should be smarter about it.

So, I carry on with life. Keep looking for my own place and act like I’m not mad at my…the Russian. I don’t think mad is the right word, disappointed is better.

I have to remind myself some days, even when the Russian was present still, that I am an attractive, young woman who has a lot to offer and doesn’t need to settle. I don’t have to settle for a complacent boyfriend who is only attentive when I beg for it. I don’t have to settle for mediocrity. I don’t have to settle for bullshit answers and excuses.

laughs

I need to get out of this funk. Put a smile on my face and focus on myself and my future.

All the while thinking of the marks and secretly not wanting them to go away.  

 

miss

Here We Go Again It Seems

hotmessWell it seems like the same thing that happened back in November is about to happen again. And this time I have no idea why and it hurts a lot more.

Last week we saw each other twice. One day it was for lunch, we ate together, talked and then laid down with each other. Of course, we fooled around some, no sex though. And everything was normal with us. He had a planned dinner with his family that night so we talked to each other while he was participating in that. And we were having a genuine conversation that night, discussing his family and mine. And literally every day we spoke to each other and had good conversations. It was completely normal and it was really nice.

Well Thursday we planned to see each other and we did. He asked if I would pick up some alcohol for us since he was out. I did of course and headed to his house.

At this point, my boyfriend was starting to act suspicious of what I was doing. Before he would never ask what was going on when I would be “hanging out” with my girl friends. He did that night. I explained to him what the plan was and he seemed okay with it. Well as I got to the Russians house I was a little nervous about the boyfriend.

The Russian fixed us drinks and we sat on the couch to watch the show. Now, a heads up to something, I had been on my period so I probably was letting things get to me that shouldn’t have. It seemed he wasn’t quite as affectionate as normal, I made a joke about it and we laughed it off. We ended up constantly playing with each other and tickling each other a lot. He kept telling me to watch the show when I’d kiss on him, he said because I would always say he’s distracting me from it. (I joke about it, as does he) So eventually things turn sexual, we start kissing heavily and I make my way down to suck his dick.

As I’m doing so, he is telling me that he wants to fuck me and be inside me. I had a hard time resisting that and I said something along the lines of “Not tonight” and he reaches down to reach inside my pants and I kind of squirm away. He pulls me up and asks why, I just tell him “Because” and he questions me about my need for control and if there is a reason for it. I tell him that’s not it and I want to but just…can’t right now. He looks at me and asks, “Is it that week?” I nod my head and resume my way back down to his dick. He then says, “I don’t care about that. I just want to be inside you.” I tell him I’ve never had sex during my period, which I haven’t it’s not something I care to do with the mess I assume it makes. He tells me he doesn’t care and if it makes a mess we can take a shower. I kind of shrug it off and he then says something that made me stop and confused me, “We don’t have to use one you, that’s the main reason of them. It wouldn’t bother me.” I assumed he was talking condoms and I just said, “I know you don’t care but I’ve never done that before and I don’t want to have a mess on our hands.” He tells me to go check myself and see if it’s okay. I kind of look at him and he asks if that day was the first day, I say no and he tells me it will be fine.

I go to the bathroom and…check myself; it doesn’t appear to be too bad so I go back out. He goes into the bathroom after me and I resume sitting on the couch, topless. He comes back in and says, “So is everything good?” I give a little nod and he tells me to take my pants off. I do so and he pulls a condom out, much to my relief. I like the Russian but I’m not an idiot. I climb on top of him in the reverse cowgirl position and we fuck like that, then with me on top sideways, and then normal girl on top. Eventually we move to a different area and he starts to fuck me from behind. I had been having a hard time relaxing till this point because I’m just paranoid I would leave a huge red stain on his furniture or something. Well he pulls out and I turn around, look down and thankfully there is no mess on him or me. Whew. Well he proceeds to remove the condom, stating, “See, no mess.” He asks me to suck his cock until he came. So I kneel down and proceed to do so, after he came I stand up and he grabs me and squeezes me against him.

I start to put my clothes back on and he throws his shorts back on. He comments that there was no mess and I didn’t need to be worried. Well after I pretty much just leave, it wasn’t as warm a good bye as usual but I could just be over analyzing it. I text him when I get home and he just says, “Good job ___” a nickname he calls me and then that’s it.

The next day he sends me a meme picture, I laugh at it and later send him one. He laughs at it and then I ask how his day was, since he was off.

Him: “Not bad. Worked out and since then I’ve been putting up the trim around the door and grouting the threshold. My back is not happy at all.”

Him: “Yours?”

Me: “I told you to go easy on your back old man lol and mine was okay, just the usual running around.”

And that was it for the entire day Friday, he didn’t ask about the sex like he usually would or try to hold any other conversation. So I write it off and go on with my night.

The next day went like this:

Me: “I looked at four houses today”

Him: “Any winners?”

Me: (Longish explanation of what I say, saying I loved two and was hopeful about them)

Him: “Not a bad day”

Me: “Nope”

Him: (Sends me a picture of the work he did on part of his house)

Me: “That looks really good, the color goes with the floor nicely”

Him: “Thank ya”

Me: “You did that by yourself?”

Him: “Yep”

Me: “Impressive old man, impressive”

Him: “I like the cedar look”

Me: “Yeah I do too, it’s nice”

And that’s it for Saturday. He just seemed so stand offish with me and I didn’t want to continue the conversation with him if he seems that way. The next day…nothing. I didn’t hear from him nor did I text him. Today I sent him another funny meme and he just responded with an “Lol” and nothing else.4680702886_56a6f2f5c9_z

I just don’t know how to take that at all. One minute he’s telling me his feelings and that he can’t wait till I move out and have my won place. And then now he’s acting cold with me. I’m trying not to jump to any conclusions but after being burned by him before I’m super cautious.

So what do I do? Give him a few days and just see what happens or prepare for the worst? In that case, he disappears on me again and I have to just deal with it.

Fuck. I am going to be so angry if this happens all over again and feel like a complete idiot.

Things with the boyfriend are absolutely no better. We got into a HUGE argument last night that involved me stating I had been thinking we shouldn’t live together anymore, that I just wasn’t happy and I didn’t know what would make me happy. I remind him that he pays no attention to me and only does when he wants something or if he notices I’m not all over him. Which I haven’t been since January. I told him I was tired of the fact if I wasn’t initiating everything then nothing would happen. He got upset and angry when I mentioned moving out. He said he wasn’t sure how that would work since we barely see each other and we live together. I told him exactly, we are like best friends that live together. He became really quiet at that point and I just walked away.

We slept in the same bed last night and he told me he wanted to try harder to prove that I’m a priority to him and I just broke down crying. I said, “You’ve said that before and it will last maybe two weeks and then nothing. It goes back to me feeling like I mean nothing to you. I don’t want to get my hopes up again but if you want to try then try. I can’t promise anything to you though.”

He woke up this morning like nothing was even wrong or discussed the night before.

So here I am, upset about the Russian and what he may or may not be doing. Upset with the boyfriend for finally wanting to prove himself but more than likely failing and showing me I don’t mean anything. Is it bad that I want the Russian to prove HIMSELF for once? But I have that intuition that I’ll end up disappointed by both of them.

Please, share your thoughts on all this because I have no idea on what to do next or expect.

 

quote-10

An Endless Cycle…Apparently.

Image

I’m sorry I have neglected writing the past few days! Adult life can get so busy sometimes. Add in the fact I can’t really write when I’m home since this is a “secret” blog. Where I left off last time was waiting on the Russian to return my movies. That was a week ago. And as of today I still have not gotten them back from him. He still randomly will text me. He sent me a message about cupcakes last week, asking if I had brought some because they looked like some I’ve brought in the past.

 

The most recent conversation was Sunday. He has been building his house and doing the finishing touches on his bathroom, which he included my opinions in designing it. Douche. So he sent me a picture of the bathroom finished:

 

Me – “It looks really good finished.”

Him – “Thank you 🙂 I’m so glad to be done”

Him “That was a bitch of a project to do alone”

Me – “I would think so, seems like a pain in the ass.”

Him – “Very messy”

Me – “At least it is done now.”

Him – “Yep and saved about 1500-2000 doing it myself”

Me – “That’s good you saved that much”

Insert Gollum meme I sent him

Him – “LMAO”

Him – “I used a golem quote earlier”

Me – “That’s just nerdy.”

Him – “My buddy said ‘They is crazy’ and I said ‘yes precious, they is’ lol”

Me – “Lol nice”

 

And that was it for that conversation. Nothing about my movies, what he did or anything I’m not quite sure why he keeps this up. I recently told my best friend about this and said “You know, he hit it and quit it….so he needs to just quit it.” I still feel like this is true. He took time out of his life and mine pretending to care about getting to know me. I mean he literally told me all kinds of things about himself, his family, life, dreams and all this shit for nothing. That’s what bothers me the most because I really began to like him. And he would make a great friend to have but apparently I was wrong.

 

I try to keep the conversations kind of distant; I’m not going to through in my usual happy exclamation marks or emojis after all this. Even though I want to and I was so excited about his bathroom, I have to remind myself to keep my distance.

 

Well things with the boyfriend are on a seesaw it seems. One day things are good and then others I’m reminded of why I have the feelings I just want to leave. He can be so attentive at one moment and then another it is just like I’m in the background. We had sex twice last week, the first time since my affair with the Russian. I won’t lie, it was great sex and we always have great sex together. He knows how I like things and I know how he likes things. But, as expected, the Russian popped into my head and made me get emotional for a split second. It’s hard to have one guy who just used you for what he wanted and then another tell you how sexy and amazing you are. Because in my head I’m thinking are you sure? The Russian has caused me to have doubts in myself.

 

I feel so torn by what I’ve done and it is starting to eat away at me. My mom thinks I should wait till after the holidays to really tell him how I’ve been feeling and suggest moving out. She knows me well because she knows the main reason I didn’t really end things before is because I’m terrified of being alone. And the incident with the Russian doesn’t help me feel better about that. It’s not going to be a very happy holiday season for me with all this on my mind but I’m hoping it gets better.

 

I’m sure if I had my movies I’d be a little happier.

That’s It?

Image

So apparently either the Russian is an idiot or just trying to make himself feel better about the situation. So after not speaking to me for about two weeks I had the inevitable run in at the office. He was in his vehicle and I had just parked mine at the office. He was blocking the drive way so I had to walk past his truck with him in it. I summed up all my strength and just walked (well strutted) past his truck. I didn’t even look his way.

Unexpectedly I received a text from him:

“Not even a wave?”

“Did you honestly expect a wave, really?”

“Yea I did.”

“Well I don’t see how you could possibly have expected one but okay.”

And that was it. I never imagined a grown man could be so stupid or just pretend to be. Well after I regained my calmness and fought off the urge to go upstairs and slap him I was fine.

The boyfriend and I had been continuing our usual pretending things were fine. Over the weekend he pulled his old shit, consisting of him going out without me and not coming home till 4 or 5 in the morning. Not that I care he goes out but he doesn’t talk to me at all. He did this Wednesday night; he was out till 4 am claiming he lost his keys. I haven’t talked about this relationship yet but he always has forgotten about me in many ways. I’m always a second thought when it comes to my needs.

Well Thursday morning the Russian sends me a funny meme. I read it and don’t respond. He texts,

Don’t pretend you didn’t laugh!”

My response was, “It is funny.”  

And then he sends, “That’s what I thought!”

I breakdown and send him a funny meme in return which he responds with “Lmao!”

And that was that until I actually ran into him in the office. Thankfully we had our Ugly Christmas sweater party and I looked pretty cute I must say. I was mid walk when he came around the corner and I instantly had an eyebrow go up. This is an uncontrollable thing for me when I run into someone I don’t like. He was holding a plate full of food and he says Hi to me and I just nod. He then stops and smiles at me and says, “Don’t judge me!” I just said “Uh huh” and continued walking. I’m pretty proud that I never stopped walking during this exchange.

I feel like one of those idiot girls who gets hung up on a douche bag. Which use to be my MO when I was a young 18 year old and naïve but I learned my lesson. It probably would be easier if we didn’t work together. If I didn’t love my job and finally be in a field my degree is in I probably would consider just leaving. I won’t of course, I love my job.

I still feel emotions when it comes to the Russian and I wish I didn’t. I know what he did was fucked up and that if given the opportunity to sleep with me again he would probably try it. Of course, if I go another month without sex it could possibly happen. Shit.

That afternoon I had yet another talk with the boyfriend and it was the same stuff all over again. I feel like he’s starting to cling to me because he can sense I am distancing myself from him. Which sucks because my normal self is so affectionate and loving. I can’t bring myself to just leave him yet. I’m trying to wait till after the holidays have ended. I’ve slowly started the process of looking for my own place to live, but I want to find something I can commit to before I tell him I’m leaving. Because I know how awkward it is to live with someone while broken up since we did that earlier in the year.

It is so hard for me to believe that my feelings for this guy have changed so much over the past year. I literally was madly in love with him but I don’t if I finally realized what was going on in the relationship or that I woke up and saw that just because we are perfect on paper doesn’t mean that’s enough.

I know that no relationship is perfect and that we all have our moments but I still feel like there should be some sort of passion still there for the person. I’m extremely passionate and I love sex so the fact that we have pretty much stopped doing anything sexual or passionate really weighs heavily on me.

Plus I also now realize that if I cheated now it could happen again if I allowed it as I had allowed it with the Russian. Who I fucking either want to punch or kiss at this point and it is mainly because I haven’t been kissed in a few days and I miss it.