I Want To Be Yours

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So much has happened since Valentine’s Day. I may have to break this post into two separate parts! I’m trying to focus on where to begin….

After our Thursday rendezvous before Valentine’s Day things went as I had expected. I didn’t hear from the Russian on that particular day, I wasn’t expecting to because I think that would have been weird for both of us. The next day I spent packing for my trip I was preparing for and we were texting on and off during that day. As the day wore on he eventually asked me how my V-Day was…I told him that as usual I didn’t get anything from the boyfriend. He cooked some dinner but that was it, no flowers, no card and not anything sexual. The Russian then revealed to me he had wanted to ask me to come over but felt stupid because of the situation. I told him I would have tried but it may have been too hard. So Saturday night he was at one of his friends’ houses that I’ve been to and sent me a picture of the food there. I told him I was jealous and that he was being mean by showing me. He told me that he wasn’t sure if I would have time to see him before my trip and that’s why he didn’t ask me to come over.

He also told me he didn’t know what he was going to do Wednesday since he wouldn’t see me and that is our usual night to see each other.

We both told each other that we wanted to see each other before I left but it didn’t get to happen. While I was away for the next four days we spoke every day and usually all day. I would send him pictures of what I was doing and things like that. He would tell me to behave and things like that.

The boyfriend and I, on the other hand, barely even spoke to each other. The night before I left he went out and didn’t get back to the house till about 45 minutes before I had to leave. I was so aggravated that I did not even wake him up before I left. He did the EXACT same thing to me last year and I should have expected it. And when I returned from my trip he decided to work late and go to the gym before seeing me. So I saw him for maybe two hours before we went to sleep.

The next day the Russian and I decided to see each other, it made me feel a little nervous since I had just returned from a trip but I really wanted to see him. That night we watched our show again, and then things intensified quite a bit. We did our usual kissing each other and things like that, but I finally let him touch me again. And after a certain amount of time, the discussion of sex came up.

I told him I really wanted to and I wanted him inside me. He had asked me if I was sure and I said, “Yes, as long as you don’t pull a disappearing act on me again.” He grabbed my face and told me that wouldn’t happen and that I knew why it happened.

I ended up with some various…mark on me this time as well. From him slapping my ass one of my ass cheeks was and is still bruised up. It definitely didn’t hurt at the time. Then I had some finger marks on my legs but those went away fairly quickly. And then, now this is awkward to explain, but I had a small bruise on my cheek from when he playfully bit me. We had been playing with each other and he bit my cheek, I told him it hurt a little and he didn’t believe me so I bit his shoulder. That apparently gave him a mark as well!

So we did, quite a few times that night. And it was just as great as I remembered it to be. I didn’t leave there till much later than I had planned. He was texting me on my way back, asking me questions and things like that. I pretty much snuck into my house and the boyfriend thought I was home two hours earlier than I actually was.

The Russian had texted me that Friday, pretty much all day. When he is busy at work I don’t hear a lot from him but that’s okay. And then that night we were texting, I was jealous he was watching the show without me and he said I can come over whenever I want. I told him I maybe could Saturday but he told me he had plans with one of his buddies. I told him that was fine and probably a good idea we waited to see each other again. Well the next day we were talking again and he asked me what my plans were. I told him nothing special, just cleaning and things like that. He tells me his buddy cancelled on him and the he’d be going over to the friend’s house he was at last weekend. The one whose house I had hung out at a lot with him before he pulled his disappearing act. He then asked me if I wanted to go, and I told him I would try and see if I could get away.

I was able to with some convincing of my boyfriend. I have a feeling he may be starting to get a little suspicious. So I went over to…Ben’s house and stayed over there for a little while. It was fun, we drank and just chatted like we all use to. Eventually though, the Russian got a little too intoxicated and I ended up having to drive him home. The plan was to go back to his house anyway so that wasn’t terrible. The ride home was funny and he joked around with me. However, he did get somewhat sick once we got to his house. At one point I was a little worried about him but he came back into the room and said he felt better. He was telling me how sorry he was for how drunk he got and that I deserved better and that he was being a terrible date. I told him it was okay and I forgive him, we all get drunk and it happens/

Well, we went and laid down in his bed. I was laying behind him and had my legs tangled in his with my arms around him. He was laying there and told me, “This feels perfect.” Eventually I asked him if I took my pants off would he judge me and he said no. I took my pants off just to get comfortable plus it was hot. Well one thing led to another and he hand his hands on me. As he is playing with me I, of course, start getting extremely aroused and reach forward to touch him. And lucky me, he is extremely hard. He rolls over and I proceed to start sucking on his cock. He starts whispering how badly he wants to be inside me and I moan in agreement. He tells me to reach into his drawer and get a condom, which I do.

Once he’s ready I straddled him and inserted his dick inside me. Every time we start it always hurts me a little, he is so big and it blows my mind. Well I stay on top of him for a while and this causes me to have several orgasms. Eventually I turn myself sideways and we fuck like that until I have an orgasm, and then I turn full reverse cowgirl on him. He loved that; he would slap my ass or grab my arms and pull me back onto him. He still was able to maintain control even when he was on the bottom. When I turned back around I propped myself up and he fucked me so hard. I ended up having to stop him at one point because it became too much. After multiple orgasms that way I told him I wanted him on top of me and behind me. So he put on a new condom and got on top of me.

He usually likes to throw my legs up on his shoulders or hold them up high. Where as, I prefer when I can feel him on top of me and either wrap my legs around his waist or put them flat down and hold myself up a little. Up until this point he is telling me how amazing I feel, how beautiful/sexy/gorgeous I am and then he tells me that his dick is mine. Just mine. I kind of make a “Uh huh” noise and he grabs onto my face and tells me again and asks if I want it. I tell him yes.

He then flips me over and proceeds to fuck me from behind. This is one of my favorite positions. And he is amazing at it, he knows when to go faster and harder and then when to go slower. In between him slapping my ass and pulling my hair, I have even more orgasms. Eventually we stop, this had been going on for I’d say at least an hour now, if not longer.

He starts to play with my clit and I tell him to go easy, once I’ve had so many orgasms I get very tender there. As I’m sure other ladies can agree with me. He takes that condom off and I start to touch his dick again, it’s still hard. A little pre-ejaculate comes out and I get it on my thumb so I licked it off. He asked me what that was for and I told him. He groaned and asked me if I would suck his dick. I happily obliged. Up until then he hadn’t came yet and I was starting to feel bad. I told him I wanted him to cum for me and he directed me in what he wanted. So I proceed that way until I said I wanted to fuck him till he came, he asked if I was sure and I said yes. I grabbed another condom and I get on top of him again. I have this move I do when I’m on top and I had been using it on him. He asked me if I would do that again while he fucked me. So as I was doing it, I had another orgasm which led him to cum as well. It was such an intense feeling.

Well we fall asleep naked and in each others arms. I literally passed out cold. I woke up with a start and jumped to check the time. I had a feeling it had to of been daylight. Thankfully it wasn’t as late as I had expected but I needed to leave. I started getting dressed and I told him I needed to go but I wish I could stay. He told me he did too, he held me and then walked me out.

As I was leaving he was texting me asking if his snoring had woken me up and I said no, I just woke up. He told me he hoped I enjoyed myself because he enjoyed me. We texted a little and then I got home. The boyfriend was in the living room laying on the couch. I woke him up and we went to the bedroom to go to sleep. He asked me a few details about the night but that was it. The next day he acted like it was nothing and went on and did his usual things.

The Russian texted me fairly early the day after (yesterday) and talked to me pretty much the entire day which was a surprise. He wanted to know what happened because he couldn’t remember certain things at Ben’s house and I explained some details and we laughed about it. Eventually we got onto the topic of the sex and I told him I had passed out right after he finished and he asked why. I explained why and he wanted to know how many orgasms I had. I told him an estimate and he told me he’d probably die if he had that many…once again I told him that’s why I passed out.

Eventually the conversation got to me being bored and alone; he told me I need to tell him when I was so he could invite me over. I asked him if he was ready for another go around, he tells me he had woken up ready. I revealed to him that I wanted to have sex with him again before I had left that night too.

The sex with him was absolutely amazing; he was so attentive to me and what I wanted. And the way he will look at me is so sexy. I couldn’t believe how long he lasted and how willing he was to keep going with me.

I’m just not use to that at all and I’ve told him this.

Well today we’ve been talking on and off, we are both working. But the topic of me house hunting came up. He’s been looking at houses too, just because of his living situation he may not be staying there permanently. Well we were talking about duplexes, and I know he was joking but the conversation went like this:

Him: “How about I buy one and rent you a room”

Me: “Lol I can be a very demanding tenant”

Him: “Sexually or seriously?”

Me: “Both I would say lol”

He then asks a question using a phrase I guess we are using for sex and I say that would be enough to keep me happy.

Now, I hope he was joking but I couldn’t believe he said that to me. Then he was asking about rent and things like that.

I will say, I’m so relieved that he didn’t pull another disappearing act on me. I really had a feeling that he would and I would be back to where I started. I’m worried about us getting more feelings for each other though, especially since I’m still living with my boyfriend. I really want to tell me boyfriend tonight that I want space and need to find my own place but I don’t know how to even begin that conversation.

I’m in so much deep shit right now I just don’t know what to do. We shall see though, I’m hoping soon that a house that fits my needs will make its way to me soon.

Until next time!

Just to Clear Things Up

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I just wanted to clear something up that was brought to my attention.

The Russian is NOT married, I know this for an absolute fact. He’s eight years older than me and we work for the same company. It is me that is a relationship with a BOYFRIEND I have been in a five year relationship with, so neither one of us is married.

I’m working on my next blog so until then, have a great weekend! 🙂

What’s Going On In That Beautiful Mind?

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I can’t wait to see him tonight. I literally have been looking forward to this all day today. It isn’t our usual day to see each other so I’m a little nervous. I’m not sure what to expect but I know I’ll be happy once I see him.

I have a lot to write about from the past few days but I’ll wait until after tonight’s rendezvous so I can include that as well. I just had to get it off my chest that I’m excited to see him again. How pathetic is that? I can gross myself out with my sappiness sometimes. I’m so tired of the once a week rendezvous’ but I know it has to stay this way until I get other things straightened out.

Until tomorrow…

Can’t resist this quote

So beautiful and true. I had to reblog!

Errant Satiety

This is how you lose her…

“You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her:

the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery,

the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five,

the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another,

the scent of new books in the store,

the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.

You must remember when she forgets.

You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is…

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That’s My Face

Image“When I saw him put his hands on your face I wanted to yell at him not to touch you, because that’s my face. But I couldn’t because that wouldn’t have ended well.”

That one sentence the Russian told me Wednesday night made me catch my breath. It was the first time in a while he voiced his feelings for me. The reason he said that was because he had been in the same place as the boyfriend and I had been Saturday night.

After the Thursday we had spent together last week I didn’t really hear from him until the Sunday after we saw each other. It was kind of awkward starting the conversation. We hadn’t actually seen each other out like that since we started this…whatever this is. But once we got past the awkward parts it got to how it always has been, just talking to each other and asking questions.

Seeing him Wednesday I feel made him reveal more of his feelings towards me. Once I picked up some food, he had been craving steak, I went to his house as usual. Us eating together is such a normal thing, we joke and laugh together. He has no problem giving me shit or taking my sarcasm and jokes. He paid me back for the food, I told him he didn’t have to but he insisted since it wasn’t like burgers or pasta.

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We continued where we left off on the show and cuddled on the couch with our drinks. (That’s how we usually look on the couch)

I really and truthfully don’t know how to think of him. I feel myself falling for him every time I think about that night. During our time together of course we kissed and did some of the usual things we do together. But at one point he pauses the show to ask me some questions. I’m sure I’ve said before that he has some dominant tendencies and one of the things he likes to do is touch and grab my throat.

I know there are some people who are thinking, “What the fuck?!” It isn’t something I’ve ever done before but the way he does it is such a turn on that it’s crazy to me. Well, he wanted to know why I liked it when he did that. I quietly explained that I wasn’t sure why but it just felt good. He says, “There’s no way you haven’t been grabbed like that before. I mean, who wouldn’t want to wrap you up like that and kiss you?” I just shrug and say well it has never been done before. He asked me why, I just tell him everyone has always acted like I was some delicate flower that would just break.the-notebook-face

He then mentions that he saw my boyfriend touch my face Saturday night and then said the above comment. He then added, “I shouldn’t feel that way but I can’t help it.” I honestly was shocked and didn’t know how to respond. I couldn’t tell him the thought of that broke my heart, because I want to be his. All of me.

I just laid my head against his chest and closed my eyes for a minute. He then just wrapped his arms around me and held me closer. He pressed play and the show continued on.

After we were watching it for a while, he did his usual thing where he touches my face and then squeezes my cheeks. I kind of fidget and tell him to stop because I don’t like that. He tells me I have no reason to do that, I need to stop worrying about what people think, especially him. He kind of whispers that into my ear. So I try and relax so he can touch on my face, then he starts to massage on my jaw and then my neck. I instinctively start to make little noises, not trying to sound sexy but just because it felt good.

He tells me, “If you don’t stop making those noises we’re going to have a problem.” I laugh and say, “I’m sorry but I can’t help it. It just feels nice.”

He pauses the show again, “Do you have any idea how pretty you are?” He always asks me this question, mainly because I don’t think I’m that pretty. He starts brushing my hair back and tells me to keep my eyes closed and not to move unless he moves me. He then proceeds to touch my face, running his fingers down my face to my jaw line. He then touches my neck and tilts my head to the right. He proceeds to do the same thing on the other side of my face. It’s so intense and personal for me, I’ve never just let a man stare and touch me like that.

When he’s done he says quietly, “You’re face is so symmetrical, you’re so beautiful.” I whisper thanks to him and open my eyes. “Come on, you have to know you are so far above average looking. Why else would you take those model pictures?” He’s always asked about my portfolio pictures. I just say that lots of girls take those kinds of pictures it isn’t a rare thing. He says, “But they don’t look like you.”

I tell him thank you again and just look at him. I go to lay back down on him and my phone goes off. I pick it up and see it’s from the boyfriend asking what I was doing. I said watching TV with the girls. The Russian takes my phone and looks at it. I set it back down and he says I kind of feel bad. I nod my head and get quiet. He looks at me and says “The only reason I don’t want either of us to get in trouble is so he doesn’t find out what is going on and gets hurt. Because I’ve been there before and I don’t want to make someone hurt like I did.” I kind of blatantly say if you want me to leave I will. He grabs me and says, “Don’t say that shit. I just don’t want him finding out and everything getting out of hand.” I nod my head and say I agree. He pulls me close to him and tells me I need to get my own place. I tell him I’m trying and he smiles.

The Russian has told me his last serious girlfriend cheated on him once, but it wasn’t like what we are doing he says. The rest of the night continues on. We play with each other and kiss more. When it gets later I tell him I probably should leave once the episode we are watching ends. I say I don’t want to but I should.

He asks me if we should just pause the show for a little bit. I look at him and say if you want to we can. He pauses it and sits me on top of him. We start to kiss and it’s so passionate. We kiss in the way he showed me earlier and I can tell that’s what he really likes. He grabs a handful of my hair and pulls me back from him. I look at him and he pulls my ear to his mouth. He whispers those words he knows I love hearing. I slowly make my way down and start giving him a blow job.

Not to blow my own horn but I know I rock his world every time I do this for him. He gets so into it that it makes it more fun for me. He will play with my hair and talk to me during. When we finally reached the climax and I sat up to look at him he had his eyes closed and was smiling. When he looked at me he groaned and said, “You’re going to drive me crazy with that.” I laugh and lay down next to him. When I finally stand up to get dressed he does the same. I’m not sure what or how it happened but next thing I know he picks me up and I wrap my legs around him. We kiss like that for a while and he slowly put his hand down my pants. I whisper how badly I want him and he quietly says, “You aren’t ready yet.” He sets me down and I walk to my car.

This is probably one of my favorite parts. He kept pulling me back against him and kisses my lips, neck, face and just laughs with me. I tell him he needs to quit teasing me. He then pins me against my car and kisses me hard. “Don’t call me a tease.” He tells me as he quickly puts his hand down my pants and quickly slides a finger inside me. I was in such a shock he did that I didn’t even stop him. He eventually brings his hand out and wraps his arms around me.

I’m getting ready to go out of town on a little vacation for four days and tells me I better behave myself. I say yes sir and laugh. He opens my car door and puts me in my car. He continues to kiss me so deeply. Then he wants to make sure I’m okay to drive home, I tell him I’m fine. Then, “Do you have your phone?” I nod, and smile. “Show me you have it.” I pull it out of my pocket, “See sir, I have my phone!” He does this adorable little drunk dance and tells me to text him that I made it home okay. I tell him I will. He does this dance again and says, “I’ll beat that ass if you don’t let me know you’re home safe!!” I laugh out loud and say I will and not to worry. He then leans into my car again and gives me such a deep kiss. He holds me like that for a little while and then says, “Alright little girl hit the road.”

I get home safely (obviously) I texted him and told him I was home. I thanked him for inviting me over (a little inside joke between us) the next morning he said he was glad I came and that he was more drunk than he thought. I laughed and asked if he remembered the dance he did. He didn’t and was surprised at himself.

We talked some that next day, just back and forth kind of stuff. That night I thought he seemed a little grumpy and he told me he was tired. Then he joked with me about something and that was it.

Considering today is Valentine’s Day I didn’t really expect to hear from him. It is a “love” holiday. Is it bad that I wish it would be him sending me flowers or taking me to eat somewhere? Considering the boyfriend hasn’t and probably isn’t doing anything for me it makes me sad.

I’m going to use the time I’ll be away to really figure out what it is I really want. I won’t be around either of them for a few days. But I already know what I want don’t I? I want my Russian and I want to be his.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone, I hope it started and will end better than mine.

nothing expected nothing given

How I’m feeling today.

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No card in my loot bag

No candy on my desk

No flowers being given

No dinner plans or guests

No wonderful surprises

No cinnamon covered hearts

No mention of romance

No marriage from the start

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Why Can’t I

I’m fairly certain this song explains the predicament I find myself in. I’ve always loved this song and it has so much more meaning to me now.

You Are Special Too

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This is a quote that sums up my relationship with the boyfriend. I haven’t felt special in over five years, all because I cared more about how he felt than how I did. Don’t allow this to happen to you. And I’ll try to prevent it from happening again.

Just Be Sweet

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Spending time with him just makes me happy. The way we play and joke with each other is so natural, it just doesn’t seem real to me. It’s so strange for these feelings to happen to me. I literally look forward to just spending time with him, even if it is just eating at his house and watching movies.

Last night was so much fun for me and it is starting to get harder and harder to stay away from him. I’ve learned ways he likes to be touched and kissed. It’s odd for me knowing I can do small things to him that causes him to catch his breath. We ate, watched a some episodes of his favorite show and cuddled during the time we were together. He played with my hair and hands like he always does. A few times he kissed the top of my head and would hold me closer to him.

It’s strange to me when he compliments me too. I just don’t know how to take them sometimes, I guess I just don’t feel that way about myself. But he can be so affectionate and funny with me I almost want to believe him.

Of course at one point he mentioned that my bra must be really uncomfortable and that he was implementing a “no bra” policy for me at his house. I laughed it off and said whatever. Eventually we were kissing and one thing led to another and he pulled me into his lap. He starts to massage my back, shoulders and neck until he slowly makes his way to my breasts and he starts massaging them. He then, very seductively I will say, slowly removed my bra and then said, “That’s much better.” Then he of course starting rubbing on me and made his way down to my clit. He continues to maneuver his hands until I have my first of several orgasms that night.

I’ve learned over the past few months with him that he has some dominate tendencies in him that are extreme turn-ons for me. I’m always the one men choose to treat like a delicate flower and I get tired of that. But with him he has no problem taking a handful of my hair and pulling it if I smart off to him or grabbing my face and putting it on his shoulder or make me kiss on his face. He asked me last night if I was okay with him doing that and I told him I liked it. Oh and the skills he has for smacking my ass are amazing, he does it in such a way that while it stings for a second it still feels good.

Of course I did ensure he came a few times too. Twice actually. There is something about him and his dick that I can’t get enough of, and even though I have always enjoyed BJs, with him it’s like I just want to do that all night. I was tempted to do it a third time but there wasn’t enough time. I have to actually work on my gag reflex though because I have never actually had one but he has such a large member that I actually gagged for the first time.

I will say, I told him a while back that I love when he will ask me to suck his dick. The way he says it makes it even sexier to me and I like knowing he wants it that much. Well, last night he told me he wanted me to ask him. And it was the sexiest thing, when I asked him, “Please, may I suck your cock sir?” his eyes rolled back and I felt his dick pulse. It was amazing. During the second round for him I positioned myself in a few different ways as to try and better deep throat him. Which it drives him crazy when I do that and it leads him to getting more forceful with me. He’s always pulling my hair back and holding it for me while I’m…servicing him.

After the second time I was laying next to him and I said something along the lines of I’m glad you enjoyed yourself. He then tells me that me doing that is his favorite thing…ever. I tell him he doesn’t have to lie to me, but he grabs my face and tells me I need to just believe him. Then he kisses me. I swear, I could easily have an orgasm just from kissing him.

I always feel like I talk about the sexual side of things with us and I’m sure that’s true, but the conversations we have are always amazing. And then when we are lying together and he just touches me with these sweet caresses and will kiss my hair or squeeze me a little tighter. These moments really make me think he actually cares for me. But I really think he’s afraid to admit that to both himself and me, because once feelings are legitimately involved I think that’s when things get more confusing.

He already shows some signs of jealousy in certain aspects, and I do the same thing. I never admit or reveal mine but I know they are there. We haven’t talked today but I expected that, I’m sure I will hear from him soon. I don’t know why he doesn’t seem to grasp that I don’t like to just message him first but oh well.

Is it bad that I already am longing to kiss him? Or even just be next to him? It’s like an ache I feel sometimes, maybe it’s just because we had just seen each other and that emotion is still there.

God, I have to get things figured out and fast.

 

Regret.

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I really can relate to this quote at this point in my life. And I thought I would just share it with my followers and throw it out there into the universe.