Sick, Twisted and Toxic.

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I’m not even sure what to say at this point. I’m in such a sick, twisted and toxic situation but I know what I need to do. It’s doing it that I’m so afraid of and I don’t know why.

The Russian, as far as I know, didn’t go through with cheating on me but he heavily considered it. He doesn’t know that I’m fully aware of those details but I know. That Friday/early Saturday when I made that post was the downfall of the relationship. That Saturday he came over so we could talk like adults. Since our texting conversation the night before was not a good one at all.

He apologized for the things he said and how things escalated. We sat in my kitchen to talk. How it ended? Him saying that maybe at this time being boyfriend/girlfriend isn’t working right now. That he loves me and cares for me but doesn’t know if he is in love with me. Great, we are right back here again. Obviously. So I asked him what it was he wanted, and in typical fashion, he said friends or even friends with benefits. This literally feels like August of last year when we broke up. And then for three months he dragged me along in this limbo until I couldn’t take it anymore.

I can tell things are starting to be how they were, because in my moments of weakness I allow him to see me. And of course, we sleep together. Over the weekend he spent the night and we got extremely drunk together. He said some things that really confused me but I know I can’t do this all over again. I just don’t have it in me anymore.

Hell, he will only text me when he wants to see me. Which is exactly what he did before when we first broke up. He slowly worked his way in. And every time after I see him I take like 12 steps back and get sad again. I love him and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him, but this I cannot keep doing.

I have a feeling he will want to see me tonight. As it is the finale of a show we had been watching together. And if he does, I’ll let him come over. We can watch the show but afterwards we won’t have sex. I’m going to tell him I can’t be his “FWB” and I can’t keep doing this. I’ll tell him that even though I love him more than anyone or anything, I have to love myself and allowing myself to be in this situation is not loving myself. I deserve more than that and if he isn’t willing to give me that then we have to stop.

I can’t get over him if he still comes around and gets into my head that things will get better or change. Because that’s what happened last year and those months were so hard for me. I really think he has some serious commitment and emotional issues he either isn’t aware of or wants to deal with. In one month, barely, he went from being so loving and caring, telling me how much he loved me and missed me, how happy he was we got back together. To being the Russian I did not like, with his unavailability emotionally, picking fights, pointing out anything I do wrong, etc.

Once we have this discussion and he’s aware of it, I will be doing what is called the “No Contact Rule” from here on out. I don’t know what will happen: will things change with him, will I finally get peace and be able to just move on, will he realize he’s made a huge mistake and try to win me back, or will he just move onto the next one?

A sick part of me want’s him to realize he made this huge mistake and want me back. How awful is that? After everything he’s put me through, since the very beginning I would still want him. Why? I’m so confused at this point. Ugh.

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Things Change, But Do They Change Forever?

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I wish I had posted my draft post I had been working on the weekend after Thanksgiving. Mainly because some serious shit went down and it has turned into this funny but amazing moment that I can’t wait to share with you all! So let me take you back to the week of Thanksgiving, about three weeks ago I believe. The Russian and I had seen each other a few times. We cooked at my house then he asked me the next day to help with stuff at his new house. Everything was fine and dandy really. He had been acting a lot more like a “boyfriend” and wanting to be around me. So things had kind of been getting better.

The night before Thanksgiving I spent with some friends and we went out. The next day was Thanksgiving and we kind of chit-chatted back and forth. That night he went shopping and picked up a movie for me all on his own. I was a little surprised but happy. I had been telling my close friends I planned on talking to him about where this was going and what this even was. Well, come Friday he never asked to see me or really seem to want to talk to me. I had gone to talk to my therapist that afternoon, I just started to see her, and she really hit home with me about a few things.

She actually had me read the old English poem, “The Spider and the Fly” while I was in my session. It really hit home with me in so many ways. Talking to her kind of made it clear to me the Russian was playing with me for his own benefit and that I needed to honestly end things with him. Well, late that night he ended up calling me asking if I would come pick him up from the bar. I was going to but he ended up driving to my house. We watched a movie, he passed out drunk on my couch and then when we went to my bed at around 5 am we had sex.

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Here is when things get rough. That morning, we fooled around a little then were lying in bed together. He was looking through his phone and I just so happened to see a particular girl’s name on his phone. The one who had been seeing him before me, and the same one he had been texting a few months ago. I instantly rolled away to put my panties back on, while doing so I let out a weird laugh and started to shake my head. He instantly was like, “She’s just a friend and I can text who I want. You shouldn’t be looking at my phone anyways.” I just nodded my head. He instantly changes the subject and starts to talk to me about his house. The last thing I even cared to hear about at that point. He then says he wants to show me some new stuff he put up in the house and I agree to go. Stupid me. While I was getting ready he let me dog out, but told me I had some packages outside. He brought them in of course. I knew what they were but didn’t open them.

As we are driving to his house he asks me what came in the mail. I just shrugged and said, “Nothing, stuff I have to send back.” He looked at me and asked me again what it was. I said the same thing so he says back, “Is it something you got for Christmas but now don’t want to give it to someone?” I nodded my head and just said, “Yep.” We get to his house and he’s showing me around and all that. He mentions something and then that’s when I basically lost it. After a long conversation, and him telling me again that he told me he had already said he didn’t have those feelings for me and that he didn’t believe I actually loved him cause I allowed him to keep seeing me I just went into full on bitch mode. I told him that the only reason I allowed him in my life after the first break up was because I am in love with him and want to be with him. But since he has told me this I no longer wanted him in my life and that our relationship was no longer beneficial to me. He did not like that. He then tried to say he wanted us to still be friends and I told him that would not be happening as he is now my official ex and I never speak to my exes.

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I also told him I would no longer be his “support system” and he could have one of his other girls do that for him. I also said I didn’t care about updates on his life, business or anything else. A lot more was said from me but it’s a lot. I finally stopped allowing him to back-peddle and put blame on me. Well, the funny part is we rode together so he had to bring me back to my house. That was a fun car ride. He kept asking me about my thoughts on his house, I finally busted out laughing and said, “Seriously? I don’t give two shits what you do. Ask someone else who cares.” He instantly got all upset and said he was sorry and maybe he was just an asshole, “You are an asshole, be honest with yourself,” was my response. We get to my house and he asks if I can give him a hug or if I was just going to leave. I gave him a half-assed hug then told him I needed my key back.

I jumped out of his car and never looked back. I immediately called my closest friends to let me know what happened and to get comfort from them. It was a rough few days. I had finals coming up and work was going to be hectic. Well, three days after that conversation he sends me a text, “Hey just wanted to say I’m still here if you need anything and good luck on your finals.” I never responded to that. And those that have followed this since the beginning know that I have never gone without responding to him. I held strong and continued doing schoolwork. After several days without real sleep I was exhausted and grumpy.

Come Saturday of that same week he sends me another text, “Thinkin about ya…hope you’re doing well :)” to which I never responded again. I had more school stuff to do and stayed focus. Well, come Monday he sends me another text while I was working out. “Miss my ace in the hole trim painter right now :/” I had never felt stronger before. Instead of thinking about missing him, I laughed and thought, I’m sure you do since I did so much shit for you willingly and without complaint.

The next night some friends of mine offered to take me out for dinner and drinks to celebrate finals being done. I hadn’t been out in a while like that so I got all dolled up. It was a great night, he didn’t cross my mind and I got roaring drunk. Which made work even more fun the next day. On Thursday I went to work and then worked out afterwards. I was doing stuff at my house when my FaceBook messenger went off. Well, after two weeks this is when I became weak:

Him: Not sure if you blocked my cell but I hope you’re doing okay :/

(I waited about 30 minutes)

Me: Didn’t block you. Been super busy with finals.

Him: How’d they go

Me: I’ll be finished tomorrow. Then I’ll know for sure.

Him: Well good luck! I’m sure it’ll turn out well. I feel so much better getting a response can’t even tell you

Me: Why do you feel better?

Him: I won’t get into it tonight before your final. I’ll let you study but I hope it goes well

Me: Okay

So the cynic in my mind is thinking he just wants to make sure I’ll answer so he can get the rest of his stuff from me or whatever. I don’t think much about it after that. The next day I’m at work starting my day when my phone goes off and who can it be? The Russian.

Him: Good luck! 🙂

Me: Thanks

Him: Will you let me know when you’re done with your final?

Me: It’s just a paper. I’ve already written it so I just have to edit it then submit.

Him: Oh cool

Him: I’m putting my last fixture together and the have to meet the inspector at 11. Can we talk after that?

Me: Um sure, what about?

Him: I’d rather tell you in person

Me: Is this something bad?

Him: I don’t think so. It could be bad for me but not you

Me: Bad for you? Is it gonna upset me or anything like that? If it’s something like that a call would be better to be honest.

Him: I really don’t think so

Me: Alright. Well where do you want to meet?

Him: I can drive over if that’s ok

Me: Okay, my lunch is 12 to 1.

Him: Oh you’re working today too?

Me: Yeah, I had to.

Him: Would you rather wait till you get off?

Me: I have an event to go to for work at 7 tonight.

Him: Ok well I’ll meet you at your house at 12?

So this all happens at around 10 that morning. My stomach was literally sick the rest of the morning. To be honest, I was expecting him to tell me he had met someone else and just wanted to be honest with me about it. Then get the rest of his stuff from my house. Well, he texts me a little before 12 to ask if he could pick me up food and I said yes.

I get to my house before him and that’s basically when everything changed.

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