Feelings and What? Pt. One

tumblr_md2z2tIe1e1qmi5uao1_500

I have a lot on my mind from things that have happened in the almost two weeks that have passed. I’ve had a few people in my immediate family pass away rather unexpectedly so that has really shaken me up. On top of me having to deal with those emotions and grieving the Russian dropped a major bomb on me two Sundays ago.

It’s hard to explain what all happened because at the same time I wasn’t fully focused but knew this conversation needed to happen. Basically, the Russian told me he thinks by now his feelings should be deeper for me than they are (love I guess) and he’s concerned that they aren’t. Well after a long back and forth conversation that day we decided that we both needed to take a big step back on the sexual aspect of things and focus on just dating and knowing each other. Because of the way this relationship started we never actually “courted” or went on a lot of dates before the sex aspect happened. Granted, I was living with and dating someone else at the time and he was kind of seeing someone so it was a weird start.

Well after that conversation, I basically told him I feel really stupid for falling for him if those feelings aren’t returned, I went to my house and sobbed my eyes out. Not only for my lost grandfather but for the relationship I felt I was losing as well. The next day I would be going back to my parents’ home so I took that night to try and sleep. I had told myself I would not be messaging the Russian anymore and if he wanted to speak to me he could reach out.

Well reach out he did. At one a.m. that night my phone started to ring. I had only gone to sleep about an hour before that, having been up late talking to my best friend and crying. I was completely shocked but answered the phone.

Me: “Hello?”

Him: “Hey, what are you doing?”

Me: “Um, just laying in bed. You?”

Him: “Trying to play (game) but it isn’t working tonight.”

Me: “Oh, that stinks”

Him: “How are you? You okay?”

Me: “Um, I’m not good. But it’ll get better.”

Him: “I know, I’m sorry. Did you find out the arrangements?”

We started talking about what I would have to do for the visitation and funeral, also, me having to pick up family members and drive them home with me. That went back and forth for a little while. Then I got brave and a little mad.

Me: “Why are you calling me, Russian?”

Him: “Because I really care for you and wanted to check on you.”

Me: “No you don’t, after this afternoon you made it very clear you DON’T care about me.”

Him: “That’s fucking bullshit and you know it, (name). I told you that I do care and have feelings for you. I’m just not sure if the reason my feelings aren’t deeper is because of the way things started or just me getting off these meds.”

Him: “That’s why I want us to try this a different way, I don’t want to just throw everything away.”

Me: “Honestly, Russian, if you’re just wanting to try these things as a way to pity me or let me down easier just don’t. End things now because that’ll  be easier on me.”

Him: “Oh, so you’d be completely okay if things ended?”

Me: “No I wouldn’t just be okay with it, Russian. I told you I have fallen for you but how do you think it feels when that isn’t reciprocated? When the person I want to be with more than likely doesn’t want to be with me? I don’t even know what to think or do.”

One of us lost service and the call got caught off. He called me back and we resumed talking.

Him: “I know I haven’t been the most cheerful person in the world and we haven’t really been doing dates or anything but I would really like to take you out and do things like that.”

Me: “That’s what I want. I don’t mind staying in and doing dinner and a movie at one of our homes but I want to go out and do things. The only reason I haven’t pushed for it more is because of how you’ve been feeling lately.”

Him: “I know and I really appreciate that. We just now need to focus on something different and see if things grow from that.”

I just was saying “okay” at this point.

Me: “It really sucks knowing you aren’t going to be in my life anymore.”

Him: “When the hell did I say that? I just told you what I want to do.”

Me: “Actions speak louder than words and I just don’t think you’re going to follow through. I feel like you’re pitying me or something.”

Him: “I am not pitying you. You don’t need pity from anyone. You are a total package. 9.9999 out of 10 in looks alone, you’re gorgeous. Incredibly smart, independent, amazing personality and everything anyone could want.”

Me: “Yeah, everyone but you. Lotta good that does me.”

Him: “Just stop it. We are going to get this figured out okay?”

I say okay and then get quiet.

Him: “And I want to help you with what you’re going through right now. Anything I can do. Will you please let me help you?”

Me: “Okay”

Him: “What are you going to do with the pup?”

He was going to originally keep my dog for me while I dealt with family stuff but after everything Sunday I told him I wouldn’t need him to do that and I’d figure it out. I honestly just didn’t want to rely on him for that.

Me: “Um, I haven’t thought about it yet.”

Him: “Can I please keep her for you?”

Me: “I don’t know, is that a good idea?”

Him: “Why wouldn’t it be? I care for you. I care for (my dog). I care for your mom. I want to help and if this is the only way I can, then let me.”

Me: “Okay. If you don’t mind keeping her you can keep her for a few days.”

Him: “Thank you. I really appreciate it.”

We discussed the time I’d bring her to him the next day. We kept talking for a while after that. A lot of back and forth stuff. After about an hour we decided it was time to go to sleep. After we got off the phone he texted me to say he’d set an alarm and then called me “pretty girl” which he’s used as a nickname for me before.

The next day I’m basically a hot mess. I get up to shower and fix myself up for the day. When I brought my dog to him I honestly wasn’t sure what to expect or do. He met me outside and picked her up. He looked sad but gave me a hug and basically told me good luck with the next few days. We didn’t speak again until the next day. He asked me how things were going and we spoke for a little bit. I asked him if he’d mind keeping my dog another night, which he said he didn’t mind at all. He ended up keeping her for three nights and then I went to get her after work that Thursday.

I fixed myself up a little before seeing him, because, well I needed to look good and remind him what he’s missing. He had her at his mom’s house so I met him over there. He was outside walking her when I drove up. We stood outside and talked for a little bit. He asked  how my interview had gone. (I will be starting a new job too) We talked for a little bit and since it was cold I decided it was time to go. Well he had hugged me when I got there and then when I left he hugged me again but this time is was a harder hug and he did this grasp/scratch thing to my ribs he normally does. I didn’t really respond or hug back very hard, which isn’t like me but it benefited me later on.

To be continued….

Advertisements

Just Fucking Rip Them!

tumblr_n4g6o2TRR81qfdwsio1_500

I’m not sure how to really even begin this post. As usual a lot has happened since my last post and even since last week.

I officially have found a house that I love, I made an official offer on it and it was accepted. Closing is expected to be early this summer so keep your fingers crossed for me! The only problem is I haven’t shared this information with the boyfriend yet. My family and I agree that I should wait till it’s closer to the date otherwise living together for another two months would be quite awkward. Also, he could get angry and just completely kick me out which wouldn’t be good either.

Well the Russian and I are in our usual weird limbo. Last week we saw each other on Thursday night and let me say, that was one to remember.

**Kind reminder, there will be sex discussed in this post so turn back now if you don’t want to read about it!**

We were both off that Friday so after a drawn out conversation that dealt with us playing cat and mouse we decided to see each other on Thursday. At some point in the conversation I will say he mentioned our “extended quietnesses” (his own words). I didn’t get a real answer on it as I had passed out after it was brought up in a playful way. The days before that we spoke a lot with each other. A lot about my new house, a major project he’s been working on and then a few other things too.

That Thursday we talked pretty much the entire day since he was off. So when it got closer to the time we decided to meet he asked if I wanted to pick up some food for us and I did.

When I got to his house we sat down to eat and start the show. We were just talking a lot with each other and joking around. After we ate and watched about half of an episode he asked if I wanted a drink and I said yes so he fixed us drinks. I think this was one of the times when we just talked a lot with each other. We joked around so much and had some random conversations. When it came time for a second drink I was surprised at how early it was so I asked for another. By that second drink I was definitely feeling it and I could tell he was too.

tumblr_n4hnsyt9C11qzpo8yo1_500

He gets to be so silly around me once he’s comfortable, we kept making jokes about the show we were watching and he would crack me up about that all night. Or we would say the same thing at the same time and he would be sure to point it out to me when it happened. Sometimes I feel so comfortable around him I can’t help but wonder what will happen when I’m officially on my own. I guess that’s something we will see later.

Back to the story. So we had been sitting on the couch during this time and I was wearing shorts. So he was rubbing on my legs and holding my hand. I had been really picking on him, mainly calling him the usual nicknames I do and he was pretending to pout about it so I kissed on his face like I know he likes. I kissed his cheek and slowly made my way to his lips, I kissed the corner of his mouth and then he turned to face me and he starts to touch my cheeks. I make a face a pull back a little and he tells me to stop that and says, “You need to get over this face thing because I like to touch your face.” So I let him touch my cheeks and then we started to kiss very deep. He’s running his hands through my hair and touching my face and throat like he normally likes to do.

tumblr_n3tqilFKfK1s2n1uvo1_500

When we finally came up for air we resumed watching the show but this time he had me pulled right up against him. My memory gets a little hazy here so just hang on.

We started to kiss again and he slipped his hand between my legs and started gripping my thighs. After more kissing he slid his hand up and started to touch me through my shorts. At some point he had his hand down the front of my shorts. He made a comment about my waxing and how long it usually lasts. He then starts to touch me until he slides a finger inside me. I keep my eyes open and on his facial reactions, he closes his eyes, arches his back a little and moans. He becomes aware I was staring at him so he starts moving his finger faster and deeper into me. Causing me to close my eyes and really enjoy myself.

After he does this for a little bit he turns so his back is against the arm rest and I turn to face him. He stands me up and I take my shorts off, he then asks me to stand over him while I’m just in my shirt and panties. These are those that are the “cheeky” ones that the portion that covers your ass is all lace. As I’m standing over him he touches my ass and starts talking to me. He gives me all these compliments on my ass and that he wishes he could photograph this moment. I laugh and tell him to keep wishing cause that won’t happen. (I was horny, not stupid at that moment) As it continues, I finally turn around and straddle him. He moves to try and take my panties off so I jump off the couch and take a few steps away. He sits up and gives me a look then tells me to come back over there. I tell him to come catch me and I walk to the bed. He grabs me real quick and carries me to his bed. As I sit on the bed he grabs a condom and a bottle of lube then he sets them on the bed.

tumblr_myreqfNNfI1soljxao1_250

He lays down and I sit on top of him. After he takes my shirt off I’m only in my panties. This is when things got intense. He’s rubbing on my ass and makes a remark about ripping my panties off me. I tell him I’ve never had someone do that and I wish he would. He tells me it might hurt me and I said, “Just fucking rip them!” And that is exactly what he did, in literally two seconds he ripped my pretty lace panties right off of me.Image

At that point things progressed quickly. He puts some lube on my hand that I then rub on his dick while he reached for the condom. When he had that on he rolled me onto my back and asked if I wanted him, I said, “Yes Sir” and he pushed himself inside of me. He had to go slow at first like he normally does and then things really started going. We had sex with him on top with my legs in the air and wrapped around him, I was on top in about four different positions, then he was behind me as I laid on the bed and then before he came he had me leaning over the bed while he was behind me. This was well over an hour by the time he came.

It still is crazy to me that he can last that long. He got up so we could find our clothes and go back to the couch. I found my shirt and he threw me my shorts after finding my panties ripped. He made a comment about them and wanting to keep them. I laughed and told him no. For some reason we couldn’t find his shorts anywhere so he just put on the cutest pair of boxers. He said they were his favorite cause of how soft they were. I liked them because I could easily see the bulge of his member. That statement made him laugh a lot.

We resumed watching the show together and were talking about random stuff again. At some point he got frisky and started touching me again. He tried to get hard again but considering we just had sex and had been drinking it didn’t happen at that moment, so he asked if I’d take a nap with him. We both were laying on the couch in just our shirts. He held me to where he had me wrapped in his arms and my head was laying on his chest. Any time I moved just a little he would hold onto me tighter and wouldn’t let me move. So I let him sleep for a little bit. I wasn’t tired but it was nice just laying like that with him.

tumblr_n46fifBqs51rjl0nzo1_500

Eventually he woke up and so did his member. We resumed where we left off before the nap. I was sitting on top of him and straddled him. One thing he does that I really like is when he can take control while he’s underneath me. He will hold my hips still and, well, just really fuck me. At some point he lifts me up and carries me to the large chair in his living room and bends me over it. He really starts to go when he’s behind me. It’s almost too much for me because I was still a little sore. Then he starts to get more into slapping my ass. Which he had done before but I think in that position he was able to really do it. He favors his right hand so he slaps my left ass cheek the most. For the first time I had to tell him to go easier because it was starting to border on actually hurting. He was surprised by that but he switched hands and ass cheeks. I lean myself up so my back is against his chest and he lifts me up while he continues to fuck me.

tumblr_n3d494xozp1rllm3zo1_500

I don’t know how but he then turns me around and lays me on the armrest. He asks if I want him to cum and I tell him “Yes Sir” and he keeps going, I had so many orgasms at this point I can’t even guess. Whenever he comes he pulls me against him and holds me. As I walk around to get dressed he’s standing there completely naked and I couldn’t help but just stare at him. Maybe it was the added alcohol or the fact I was like a horny teenager but I know my look was one of those hungry and greedy looks. He made a comment that if I didn’t stop staring like that we’d have a problem. I told him to either put some underwear on or another condom.

Once I’m dressed he just wraps a towel around himself and after a playful game of him trying to take my panties we walk to my car. We talk a little more and then he kisses me goodbye, tries to take my panties again and then I finally leave.

As usual, we didn’t talk the next day but I was busy with family stuff and he knew that. The day after that he sent me a text with his usual “Yo” and I responded but he never sent anything back. So we didn’t talk over the weekend. But Monday afternoon he was parking his truck behind my car while I was leaving to run an errand.

Him: “Did you even notice that was me speed demon?”

Me: “I had a feeling it was you lol and I wasn’t even driving that fast”

Well we didn’t talk yesterday but then today he’s been texting me more. As usual he was critiquing my driving and telling me I need to drive slower, I tell him I will drive slower and I can almost tell it’s the dominate personality in him trying to come out.

Ahhh this man drives me insane with these “extended quietnesses” as he liked to put it. I don’t know if it’s because he wants me to text him or if he’s just being weird because of this entire situation.

Oh well, we will see what happens. So that was my last week and a half, how was yours?