Things Change, But Do They Change Forever?

tumblr_nyv5qpQku01rkbqbko1_500

I wish I had posted my draft post I had been working on the weekend after Thanksgiving. Mainly because some serious shit went down and it has turned into this funny but amazing moment that I can’t wait to share with you all! So let me take you back to the week of Thanksgiving, about three weeks ago I believe. The Russian and I had seen each other a few times. We cooked at my house then he asked me the next day to help with stuff at his new house. Everything was fine and dandy really. He had been acting a lot more like a “boyfriend” and wanting to be around me. So things had kind of been getting better.

The night before Thanksgiving I spent with some friends and we went out. The next day was Thanksgiving and we kind of chit-chatted back and forth. That night he went shopping and picked up a movie for me all on his own. I was a little surprised but happy. I had been telling my close friends I planned on talking to him about where this was going and what this even was. Well, come Friday he never asked to see me or really seem to want to talk to me. I had gone to talk to my therapist that afternoon, I just started to see her, and she really hit home with me about a few things.

She actually had me read the old English poem, “The Spider and the Fly” while I was in my session. It really hit home with me in so many ways. Talking to her kind of made it clear to me the Russian was playing with me for his own benefit and that I needed to honestly end things with him. Well, late that night he ended up calling me asking if I would come pick him up from the bar. I was going to but he ended up driving to my house. We watched a movie, he passed out drunk on my couch and then when we went to my bed at around 5 am we had sex.

tumblr_mciqycP8ab1re10dso1_500.jpg

Here is when things get rough. That morning, we fooled around a little then were lying in bed together. He was looking through his phone and I just so happened to see a particular girl’s name on his phone. The one who had been seeing him before me, and the same one he had been texting a few months ago. I instantly rolled away to put my panties back on, while doing so I let out a weird laugh and started to shake my head. He instantly was like, “She’s just a friend and I can text who I want. You shouldn’t be looking at my phone anyways.” I just nodded my head. He instantly changes the subject and starts to talk to me about his house. The last thing I even cared to hear about at that point. He then says he wants to show me some new stuff he put up in the house and I agree to go. Stupid me. While I was getting ready he let me dog out, but told me I had some packages outside. He brought them in of course. I knew what they were but didn’t open them.

As we are driving to his house he asks me what came in the mail. I just shrugged and said, “Nothing, stuff I have to send back.” He looked at me and asked me again what it was. I said the same thing so he says back, “Is it something you got for Christmas but now don’t want to give it to someone?” I nodded my head and just said, “Yep.” We get to his house and he’s showing me around and all that. He mentions something and then that’s when I basically lost it. After a long conversation, and him telling me again that he told me he had already said he didn’t have those feelings for me and that he didn’t believe I actually loved him cause I allowed him to keep seeing me I just went into full on bitch mode. I told him that the only reason I allowed him in my life after the first break up was because I am in love with him and want to be with him. But since he has told me this I no longer wanted him in my life and that our relationship was no longer beneficial to me. He did not like that. He then tried to say he wanted us to still be friends and I told him that would not be happening as he is now my official ex and I never speak to my exes.

tumblr_miymqz92f51qg9kfqo1_500.png

 

I also told him I would no longer be his “support system” and he could have one of his other girls do that for him. I also said I didn’t care about updates on his life, business or anything else. A lot more was said from me but it’s a lot. I finally stopped allowing him to back-peddle and put blame on me. Well, the funny part is we rode together so he had to bring me back to my house. That was a fun car ride. He kept asking me about my thoughts on his house, I finally busted out laughing and said, “Seriously? I don’t give two shits what you do. Ask someone else who cares.” He instantly got all upset and said he was sorry and maybe he was just an asshole, “You are an asshole, be honest with yourself,” was my response. We get to my house and he asks if I can give him a hug or if I was just going to leave. I gave him a half-assed hug then told him I needed my key back.

I jumped out of his car and never looked back. I immediately called my closest friends to let me know what happened and to get comfort from them. It was a rough few days. I had finals coming up and work was going to be hectic. Well, three days after that conversation he sends me a text, “Hey just wanted to say I’m still here if you need anything and good luck on your finals.” I never responded to that. And those that have followed this since the beginning know that I have never gone without responding to him. I held strong and continued doing schoolwork. After several days without real sleep I was exhausted and grumpy.

Come Saturday of that same week he sends me another text, “Thinkin about ya…hope you’re doing well :)” to which I never responded again. I had more school stuff to do and stayed focus. Well, come Monday he sends me another text while I was working out. “Miss my ace in the hole trim painter right now :/” I had never felt stronger before. Instead of thinking about missing him, I laughed and thought, I’m sure you do since I did so much shit for you willingly and without complaint.

The next night some friends of mine offered to take me out for dinner and drinks to celebrate finals being done. I hadn’t been out in a while like that so I got all dolled up. It was a great night, he didn’t cross my mind and I got roaring drunk. Which made work even more fun the next day. On Thursday I went to work and then worked out afterwards. I was doing stuff at my house when my FaceBook messenger went off. Well, after two weeks this is when I became weak:

Him: Not sure if you blocked my cell but I hope you’re doing okay :/

(I waited about 30 minutes)

Me: Didn’t block you. Been super busy with finals.

Him: How’d they go

Me: I’ll be finished tomorrow. Then I’ll know for sure.

Him: Well good luck! I’m sure it’ll turn out well. I feel so much better getting a response can’t even tell you

Me: Why do you feel better?

Him: I won’t get into it tonight before your final. I’ll let you study but I hope it goes well

Me: Okay

So the cynic in my mind is thinking he just wants to make sure I’ll answer so he can get the rest of his stuff from me or whatever. I don’t think much about it after that. The next day I’m at work starting my day when my phone goes off and who can it be? The Russian.

Him: Good luck! 🙂

Me: Thanks

Him: Will you let me know when you’re done with your final?

Me: It’s just a paper. I’ve already written it so I just have to edit it then submit.

Him: Oh cool

Him: I’m putting my last fixture together and the have to meet the inspector at 11. Can we talk after that?

Me: Um sure, what about?

Him: I’d rather tell you in person

Me: Is this something bad?

Him: I don’t think so. It could be bad for me but not you

Me: Bad for you? Is it gonna upset me or anything like that? If it’s something like that a call would be better to be honest.

Him: I really don’t think so

Me: Alright. Well where do you want to meet?

Him: I can drive over if that’s ok

Me: Okay, my lunch is 12 to 1.

Him: Oh you’re working today too?

Me: Yeah, I had to.

Him: Would you rather wait till you get off?

Me: I have an event to go to for work at 7 tonight.

Him: Ok well I’ll meet you at your house at 12?

So this all happens at around 10 that morning. My stomach was literally sick the rest of the morning. To be honest, I was expecting him to tell me he had met someone else and just wanted to be honest with me about it. Then get the rest of his stuff from my house. Well, he texts me a little before 12 to ask if he could pick me up food and I said yes.

I get to my house before him and that’s basically when everything changed.

tumblr_nyv3a8pVt21rkbqbko1_500.jpg

The End is the Beginning is the End

tumblr_ncvgq20sBu1tg3ywoo1_500

I think this may be the hardest post I’ve had to right so far. The Russian and I have officially broken up. The weirdest part? I basically sensed that it was going to happen. The last few weeks just have not been good for us. I was doing things that he wanted and getting nothing in return. He basically stopped giving me any kind of affection besides sex. When he asked to come over last Thursday my sixth sense kicked in.

To basically sum it all up, he told me “I love you” for the first time in our relationship. But he followed it with “But I don’t know if I’m in love with you” which really stabbed that knife in a little deeper. We both sat on my couch crying while this happened. He talked a lot more than I did. I knew there was no point in me saying much because I couldn’t change his mind. He told me maybe he was making the biggest mistake of his life and maybe he’s damaged. He said nothing was wrong with me, I’m a wonderful girlfriend and we get along great, plus our physical chemistry was off the charts. I treat him amazing but still…nothing. Just like it was back in February.

In normal guy fashion he asked me if I was going to be okay. I told him that I was and am in love with him so I won’t be okay for a while but I will be eventually. We talked more but it was a slight blur to me. When he left I called my mom and closest friends to tell them. Oh, and cry uncontrollably. The whole weekend we didn’t speak to each other. Mainly because he asked me if I wanted us to be friends or him just completely disappear. I told him I couldn’t really think at that moment about it.

Sunday  morning he sent me a text saying, “Just wanted to say hi and hope your weekend was ok.” Then that afternoon he sent me a text asking if I was home. I still have a lot of his stuff here so I figured he wanted to get it. But he just asked for some specific thing. I told him I was home and if he wanted to get whatever that was fine. He came over. We kind of talked, I’ll give an overview. He asked about my weekend again, I said it was okay and my family came in. I asked about his and he said it was okay just really weird (considering we were together basically every single day for a year). He got what he needed and told me he would get the rest of it later unless I wanted him to now.

I knew I couldn’t handle him being in my home for much longer without crying I just told him he could get it later, that was fine with me. He gave me a hug. Then told me that maybe if we are both still single we can maybe have dinner or see a movie, he even was nice enough to say, “Nothing physical, not like that.” Which we all know is complete shit.

We had more small talk before he left and then he did. I crashed on my couch and bawled my eyes out. Knowing I’ve been demoted to something like that hurt even more because I’m still in love with him. Deeply so and it just broke my heart all over again.

Later that night he texted me after a show we use to watch together ended. We talked about it and then nothing.

Today, he told me he was going to be traveling out of state again for work. This is how that conversation went:

Him: “Back to ______ tomorrow”

Me: “That’s gonna be fun”

Him: “Wanna come?”

Me: “Lol I have to work”

Him: “lol”

Me: “I have to be at an event so I can’t work from home”

Him: “I wouldn’t have expected you to sacrifice a day for driving with me lol”

Me: “Lol uh huh”

Him: “Really didn’t think you would lol”

Me: “Lol I just cant, you picked a day I actually have to work”

I know what you all are going to say. I should have told him to just stop and leave me alone, that he was dragging me on and needed to leave it alone. I still have the old mind set that I want to do whatever he asks and drop everything for him. I know I shouldn’t, and I won’t anymore.

If someone could explain to me why, if you aren’t in love with someone but know they are, why keep doing this to them? If it was me, I wouldn’t be reaching out to him because I would realize how much it hurts him. It sucks not hearing from him but it reopens the wounds every time he reaches out to me. I haven’t thought about him since Sunday and then he texts me.

Now, I’m officially single and not quite sure what to even do with myself. I haven’t really “dated” or been single in over 5 years so what now? Also, I’m horrified that I may never have good sex again. Is that awful to think about? Ugh. I’m really sad and confused right now. Any advice would definitely be accepted right now.

Part of me wants him to just wake up and realize what he’s losing then do whatever it takes to win me back. But I know that more than likely won’t happen. And if it doesn’t, I just want him to leave me alone and let me move on. I already have had guys ask me on dates and all that, but I know I’m not ready for that because they would just be a rebound. Mainly because my heart isn’t ready for that again. I’m kind of in a “fuck love” type of mood now. I’m also aware that since my sex life is nothing now I’m going to be really aggravated which will make work even better.

Well, send me your positive thoughts as I go through a new journey now. Brightside?! I can blog as much as I want now! I have a brand new laptop and a whole lotta free time on my hands.

Why Can’t I…You Know. Part Two

tumblr_n32298nlyv1rkbqbko1_500The next day after everyone left he asked me to come over to help him move the rest of his things. After we finished we went to his mom’s house to visit and eat with her. I know they have had a hard relationship in the past and she isn’t perfect but I do like his mom. He also was affectionate to me in front of her. During dinner we joked around and he was winking at me during stuff. We all sat on couches to relax a little before leaving and he had been sitting on the arm rest of the couch I was on. He slid down next to me and put my legs over his lap for us to sit like that together.

We eventually left and went back to his place for the last night. He’s going to be moving in with his mom for a while (long story but it’s understandable) so this was his last night there. The rest of the night we drank and watched movies. I gave him one BJ after the first movie had ended and we were starting the second. I was still slightly on my period so he was aware. During the second movie his phone went off at around midnight. He thought at first it was mine ringing and he actually reached forward to grab and check it. It took me back a little bit but I didn’t say anything. His phone was on the other side of the room so he walked over, checked it and told me it was a guy friend of his. He told me why he thought he was calling but it wasn’t 100% believable to me but I didn’t say anything else about it.

Well he resumed laying down with me on his couch and tried to start touching me. I wasn’t able to reach an orgasm…again and so I told him this. He stopped after a little while and noticed I was a little off. He asked what was wrong and I told him I was just frustrated I couldn’t have an orgasm. He immediately asked if it was because I wasn’t attracted to him anymore. I told him that definitely wasn’t why I just was having an issue and it bothered me. Well, he stood up and I laid back down to close my eyes for a little bit. He came back with his phone and made me look to see the guy who called was who he said it was. I told him while I appreciated that it wasn’t the reason. He said, “Well you’re probably just worried about making a mess and can’t relax.” So he laid on his back and grabbed me to put my laying on my back while in top of him. He immediately started going to town on my clit and rubbing more all over. Whatever he did that time started to work because I was able to have a few orgasms and actually had to tell him to stop because the pressure and feeling I was experiencing was getting to be too much. So he stopped and then laid down again. He was very aroused at this point so I gave him another BJ while the movie was still going. I was able to do something he had requested a few times and that basically drove him insane. Meaning going all the way down and then back up again, multiple times in a row. Afterwards it was time to either leave or go to sleep. Considering I was slightly intoxicated he suggested I just sleep there and he’d be sure I got up for work.

I finally convinced him to cuddle with me a little before going to sleep. I told him just to hold me and when he was ready to try and sleep nudge me a little so I can roll away. HE FINALLY DID THAT. After a few minutes he said “Alright little girl, good night and sweet dreams” then actually kissed me goodnight.

He woke me up the next morning and off to work I went. That afternoon we talked after my first day and all that. He had dinner with an older guy he use to work with but actually called me on the phone afterwards. We talked for about 30 minutes about how his dinner was and all that. He actually mentioned that his friend wants to meet me and invited us over for a BBQ this Sunday. I was really surprised but told him I would be up for it. We got off the phone when he was at his mom’s but we talked for a few minutes before he went in. He texted me for a while after we got off the phone.

The next day we basically talked the entire day. I initiated the conversation, which was first, but it went good. He asked to see me when I got off work, to help him finish up some things at his old place. We did some stuff for a little while but then decided to just relax and watch some Netflix. We ended up just doing shots of vodka for some reason. We’ve been doing one or two when we drink, on the weekends, to kind of help the process. Well somehow things got frisky and fast. I mention I’m starting to get really drunk, like, can’t feel my face or other limbs drunk. He starts to undo my jeans and make his way down my pants. He tells me to take my bra off while he does that. Then he pulls me into his lap and completely removes my jeans and panties.

He leads me to his bed and throws me down on it. He walks away to get a condom then comes back to the bed. We immediately start to make out and I remove his pants. I start to give him a BJ and deep throat him as he asks me to. He then puts his condom on and while I’m on top he slides into me. I’m going to stop there and just be honest with my readers. During the first round of sex I was not able to have an orgasm, didn’t even get that close to it. After he came he held me for a while then made a comment about me dripping on him. I then rolled off of him and to my side, he was like I ruined it didn’t i? And I just shrugged and said I was sorry, I was still turned on and couldn’t help it. Then he reached for me and started to finger me. I told him I wanted to have my orgasm while he was inside me so he asked if I wanted him to go rinse of and get a new condom. I told him yes and that’s what he did. Now, again when he came back I gave him a BJ for him to get hard and then I got back on top. Notice a pattern?

This girl is tired of being on top every. single. time. Well, sadly I was so close to orgasming during the second time but I went down while he went up and hurt his member a little bit. So we had to stop sex. He started to finger me more and it got intense with some dirty talk. I also was basically playing a little game with him. Resisting him and then telling him I couldn’t come but wanting him to keep going. He got frustrated I guess because I was holding his arm and he was using his other to hold me down so he stopped.

So he showered again and then came back. I had already gotten dressed again and was beyond frustrated to be totally honest. We spent a little more time together and then I helped him load his truck up before we left. I told him I was sorry for messing up the night and his response was, “Don’t worry about it. Those things happen.” Well we kissed goodbye and I left. I immediately called my best friend to discuss what happened and if I was overreacting.

I had decided not to text him when I got home. He knew we had done those shots and I was driving home inebriated so if he wanted to check on me he could on his own. I wasn’t expecting him to text honestly but he did. We talked for about an hour then both went to sleep.

I have a confession to make. A main reason for my orgasms is an emotional connection with the man I’m seeing. I need to know I have feelings for him and he does too. I’ve just always been that way. So after the conversation he had with me a month ago about not having deep feelings for me and not knowing why I think is a main factor for me. I’m sure it gets to him because I’m going from him giving me a minimum of 5 orgasms to over 15 once to now struggling for just one.

Plus, I’m so tired of always being on top. I am giving him BJs that last a while and being on top. To me it’s like is he just comfortable and knows I’m great at being on top. But sometimes a girl just wants to lay there and be fucked. Plus I love feeling the weight of a man on top of me. Eh, I’m not sure what to do besides ask him to freshen up his moves in other positions.

I just miss the days of multiple orgasms is that terrible of me? Feel free to share your thoughts, opinions or even experience with something like this.

Why Can’t I….You Know. Part One.

tumblr_nk97iv6zP91rh1wv4o1_400

I feel like discussing more on this feeling I have of being scared of being in love. Things haven’t taken a turn for the worst or anything dear readers, if anything, over this weekend things progressed and have gotten better. Well, except for my lack of reaching orgasms.

I started a new job yesterday and while I’m happy and excited for it, I’m still unsure of things. I have a house note I must pay so I need to work, just the work I’ll be doing is kind of stressful because if I don’t produce then I won’t be getting paid that well. Oh the joys of having the degree I have in this city.

Back to the Russian! He keeps on surprising me over these last few weeks. We had some very intense and serious talks last week in regards to his health and his worries with life. I really appreciate when he’s more open with my about these things, it helps me feel more stable with the relationship.

Last week we spent a fair amount of time together. His other Valentine’s gift came in on Tuesday and I happened to be off that day. So he came over to my house to watch it with me. He brought over a ton of food so we actually wouldn’t have to leave the house for dinner that night as well. It was a fun night together. We ate, talked, drank and cuddled together the entire afternoon and night. Also, apparently I had a little too much attitude that day because he literally spanked the hell out of me a few times. One of my ass cheeks is still a little bruised. I’m not complaining since I basically asked for it. He spent the night with me that night. We fell asleep on my couch but at around 2 am he woke me up and brought me to bed. We slept together and he got a morning surprise that was so good he was texting me on my way to work about it.

We talked a lot off and on that day. He had a family thing he tried to plan that night that completely fell through so we just talked that night. Thursday he asked me over for lunch and also for, well, a BJ. I took a long lunch that day and we spent some time together beforehand, then during I’d say it lasted at least 45 minutes. I’m definitely getting better at deep throating him and it’s driving him nuts. The only time my gag reflex even shows up is when I’ve gone all the way down, go back to the top and try to go back down again. Sometimes I can do it successfully with no issue and other times I have issues with it. After about the third time it causes me to gag. Of course, he enjoys when I do gag since it reminds him of his size.

The Russian actually got me my very own king size bed for my house. I have been really wanting one but haven’t gone through with it, well the opportunity came up and he gave me one. Thursday after work I met him and we loaded it up to bring over to my house. He was a little down on himself when I got there to help because his back was really bothering him. After we talked a little bit he seemed to be in a better, more playful mood. We got the bed unloaded and set up at my house. He helped me move my old bed into one of my spare rooms too which was nice. After all those chores he fixed us a drink and we finally sat on my couch to relax and watch the last of the Harry Potter movies. We actually didn’t do much that night out of the ordinary. At about midnight I asked him if we could go to bed and so he basically carried me to bed. Now that I have such a large bed he can’t complain about sleepovers anymore!

Over the weekend he actually had a “guy’s weekend” with some local friends since a few of his best friends would be coming from out of town. Since Friday was my last day of work and I was a little upset about a few things he asked if I’d come over after I left to help him do some things at his place. I left on my last day fairly early so I went over to his place, we went and had a late lunch then ran a few errands in order to get things he needed. We probably spent five or more hour just organizing, packing, cleaning and moving things at his place. A surprise BJ did happen at one point but that isn’t a shocker.

We weren’t really keeping track of time because then one of his guy friends showed up and it surprised us. I gathered my stuff to leave but the Russian told me I could stay and visit. Well a second guy showed up and I hung out with them for another hour or so. They already knew things about me which I take as a good thing. It shows the Russian has been talking about me. I went ahead and got food the Russian and I since we hadn’t eaten yet. I ate with them and then shortly after that I told him I needed to go. I hadn’t been home all day and my poor dog was lonely. Plus, I wanted to shower and get out of my work clothes. This was close to 10 p.m. and guy night was basically starting. He walked me to my vehicle, kissed and hugged me goodbye and thanked me for all my help that day.

That night he sent me a little text about something I forgot and we joked a little but then I passed out. The next day I woke up a little late but then I got surprised. He asked me what I was doing that afternoon:

Him: “We’re gonna eat at 1 at Dave’s then go to the exhibit show if you feel like going”

(My city had a weekend show/exhibit)

Me: “Sure, do you want me to meet you at Dave’s or at the exhibit?”

Him: “Whichever you feel like. I know Dave’s is short notice. But _____’s wife is going btw”

Me: “Okay, I can probably make Dave’s”

Him: “Okay cool, the one in _____.”

Me: “That’s what I thought.”

So I basically rushed myself into finishing getting ready and then driving over to that area for lunch. Plus, this was my moment to meet his actual best friend. Lunch was fun, Dave’s is a fairly laid back place. We took our time eating and just talking for at least an hour or so. After, the other guy’s wife left and we all rode in one vehicle to the exhibit. That was a lot of fun. We ran into some of his family there and chatted with them for a bit. Going in and out of different exhibits was when we had the most fun. His friends and I joked the whole time together and the Russian was loving it. He got a little “handsy” a few times but I didn’t mind.

Afterwards they brought me back to my vehicle and the Russian kissed me goodbye. His friends told me bye and that it was nice meeting me. That night I didn’t plan on hearing from him, it was a man weekend after all, but he did surprise me.

Him: “Had fun?”

Me: “I really did, thank you for inviting me 🙂 did you have fun?”

Him: “Yep it was a good time”

Him: “I wanted to throw you in a bathroom (sly emoji face)”

Me: “Oh really?”

Him: “One of those would be fun to have”

Me: “Oh they definitely would be. Everyone would know what was going on if you threw me in a bathroom btw…it did cross my mind a few times though”

Him: “Yeah it would be obvious”

Him: “Could get a few strokes in if you had on short shorts or a dress”

Me: “Very true, if I had those on we’d have really been in trouble”

The conversation went a little further but you get the gist. He texted me off and on much later that night. Quoting movies to me and wanting to know what I did that night.

To be continued….

Feelings and What? Pt. Two

tumblr_n46fifBqs51rjl0nzo1_500

I didn’t text him or anything when I got home. I just did things around my house and tried to keep myself busy. Well, surprise surprise, he started to text me. He was asking about my interview the next day and if I planned on doing a half day for work. I definitely got the feeling he was digging for me to keep the conversation with him. I wasn’t putting a ton of effort in my responses back.

Him: “Ted (creep from work) asked me, ‘How did you convince (me) to go out with the lowly likes of you lol’”

Me: “Seriously? What a creep.”

Him: “I didn’t answer…he put lol but still”

Me: “That’s just rude, he’s probably jealous you didn’t ask him out lol”

Him: “Gross…disturbing”

Me: “I know lol it still is so rude he even said that”

Thinking back to that it makes me wonder if maybe this “Ted” guy and his comment made the Russian stop to think about things. Ted had asked me out a few times before, when I had just ended my relationship, but I was never interested. He is the definition of creepy. I had told the Russian about him so he knows about him; it was funny to us because he works for the company we worked for.

Well, we talked basically that entire night. He was flirty with me and kept the conversation going himself. Well, I had my interview the next day and it went really, really well. He made sure to text me an hour or so after it to ask me how it went. We talked for a little bit and the conversation ended.

That was until he asked me out for a date that night. I was pretty surprised he wanted to see me, but it was nice he wanted us to go on an actual date. He told me the plans were for dinner and a movie that night. When he came over it was still fairly early, we decided on a later movie so we could eat beforehand and not be rushed. When I opened the door for him he instantly went in for a hug, I returned one but kept my butt poked out. As usual he put his hand on my lower back and pushed me against him. We had one drink before we left and sat at my kitchen table to just talk. He told me I looked extremely hot, which was the point, then when we saw the time we both agreed it was time to go. He grabbed my jacket and helped me put it on, which was a first for him to do. Of course, after he put it on me he slapped my ass.

He opened my doors, car and buildings, for everywhere we went. On the way to the restaurant he told me he was glad I had wanted to see him, especially with him being weird right now but that he really wanted to see me. When we got to the restaurant we were seated pretty quickly. He knows what I like to eat so he ordered an appetizer for us and then ordered our meal. We both agreed we’d want popcorn at the theater so we shared an entrée, plus I don’t eat large portions and he knows this. Over dinner we talked about all kinds of topics, it felt a lot like a date. It was nice to have that moment and kind of refocused everything. When he walked us to the truck he of course opened my door and once again, slapped my ass. So much for backing off the physical things huh?

After dinner we still had about 40 minutes till the movie, the theater is across the city so we took a long way to the theater and just listened to music together while playing with each other. It was really nice to have him flirting with me again and make me feel just genuinely wanted. He made me promise him I wouldn’t let him eat all the popcorn once we got into the movie, because we both tend to start really snacking if we have to wait a while before it starts. Once we were seated for the movie I put the popcorn on the other side of me so it was out of his reach. The theater actually filled up pretty quickly to our surprise. The movie itself was a very good one, we both really enjoyed it. During the movie he would put his hand on my knee and stroke it, he’d also fidget some until I would touch his hand or his arm. Of course, I was wearing tights so he hand to move his hand every now and then because it got hot pretty quickly.

The movie ended fairly late but he wanted to come inside my house afterwards. I wasn’t sure what to say but I let him in and I proceeded to sit on one side of the couch with my legs tucked under me but turned away from him. He sat beside me, turned the tv and we just talked for a while. Eventually he laid his head in my lap like he use to do, this time however I did not instantly rub his head or touch him. This I’m pretty sure bothered him because he’d reach up to touch me. Eventually he made me lay across his chest but still was able to keep his head in my lap. I laid like that but didn’t touch him or anything. Even though he was extremely hard and made sure to…make it move because he knows I like that. He was pretty persistent with touching me and being a little frisky but I kept telling him no and pushing his hand away. Eventually I’m sitting on top of him as we continue this game of cat and mouse. He got my bra off but I remained fully clothed. Well, as I’m sitting there we actually just joke and play together. He makes me play the airplane game with him, where I balance my stomach on his feet, and then a bunch of other different ways. It was actually fun for me and really reminded me of the old Russian. Well as he brings me back to sitting on his lap he pulls me down to him and proceeds to really kiss me.

airplane

He hasn’t just kissed me or made out with me in a long time so this was a big weakness for me. We kissed for a rather long time which was just amazing. At some point I sit myself up and he then proceeds to touch my breasts under my shirt, then he proceeds to suck on them. Well after a few seconds I regain my strength and lean back. He grabs my legs and puts my feet on his chest. Somehow I accidently hit his member and I immediately touched it and told him I was sorry. It didn’t hurt him because he was harder than a rock. Well he then asks me if I’d kiss it better. I get quiet and kind of look away.

Me: “You told me you didn’t want to do this anymore, I’m trying to respect your wishes.”

Him: “I know what I said and I probably shouldn’t have said all that. It isn’t that I don’t want you, I can’t help myself when you’re near me.”

Him: “I’ve had a really great time tonight so far, it’s been so much fun.”

Me: “I completely agree. Tonight really reminded me of the old you and I really liked it.”

I probably forgot to mention that he’s been getting deeper into his religion and has been reading about pre-marital sex and that’s a big reason why he wanted to take a big step back from the sexual things. Which I agreed with and said okay to doing because I felt it was important to further this relationship.

I told him that by him being this was really confused me because I want to do the date nights and then have nights together like this too. But I was trying to respect his wishes and not be all about the physical things. I asked him if the only reason he wanted me around was for this (hooking up). He got pretty upset and said no, that it isn’t even remotely true. I do believe him because we have many moments when we don’t do sexual things but it just throws me off when he’s like that.

Well we stop but then something happens and I basically tease him by sucking on his finger in a pretty provocative way. Well I do this for a few minutes, watching his mouth open slightly as his eyes closed and rolled up. Finally he yanked his hand away from me, stood up to go to my kitchen for gum, then came back and stood in front of me. He pulled me up and wrapped my arms around his shoulders as he walked us into my room. He shut the door a little then pulled me against him and started to kiss me again. He took my shirt off and I started to touch him. That’s the hardest he’s been in a long time, almost painfully hard. Just me touching him through his jeans made his body start to almost convulse instinctively. I slowly made my way to just touching him through his jeans and he continued to kiss me and grab my chest. He did try to touch me but I kept resisting him and telling him no. He was extremely persistent and didn’t like me telling him no. Finally I had him standing by my bed naked and me still partially clothed. He asked me if I’d suck his cock and well, we all know I can’t resist when he asks me like that. Plus, I adore this man and adore his cock. I kneeled down in front of him and slowly wrapped my lips around his head, just to tease him. I felt his whole body just relax as he moaned.

He grabbed my hair in his hands and let me stay kneeling for a little while. Then he pulled us up to the bed so we would be more comfortable. He took my high waist shorts off so I was just in my tights while sucking him. After a while he pulled me up to face him and he grinded himself against me while I was in the tights. He loved the fabric, it was something he hadn’t experience before and I’d say he liked the way it felt. Somehow he slid himself into my tights and proceeded to grind himself against the outside of my entrance, no penetration at this point. It feels great and he moans as he says, “God, you’re so wet and I haven’t touched you yet.”

After we do that for a little while I move back down to continue giving him a BJ. As I said before I can now deep throat him and he’s starting to be able to thrust a few times while I’m doing that. It’s still taking some practice but I’m getting there, as I told him we would. He moves on the bed and pulls me back up to do what we had been doing. While doing that he slowly slides into me. I had to remove the tights after a while, sadly. We didn’t use a condom this time, of course we said we’d get one after just a second but everyone knows that doesn’t happen. We proceed to have pretty passionate sex. He’s touching me and being very responsive and vocal. He also directs me in a way he wants me to be on top of him, because of the amount of foreplay we had and the fact he had an erection for at least two hours he couldn’t hold back any longer. He told me before he came so I was able to move down and finish him with my mouth.

I wasn’t able to have an orgasm during the sex, I came close but it just didn’t happen. As I rolled off of him I distanced myself a little since I know how he is but he instantly grabbed me and pulled me close to him. He continued to play with me until I had three orgasms. When he finished he brought his fingers to my mouth and I proceeded to suck myself off of him. He did surprise me because he held me for a while afterwards. Rubbing my arm, side and playing with my hair while just holding me. He kissed my forehead and then went to rinse off. Neither one of us realized it was basically 4 am at this point so after he rinsed off and got dressed I put on some sweat pants and a tank top, we went to the living room for a little bit to talk and then I walked him out. We kissed and hugged good bye.

I had this feeling of worry and regret because after the week I had I promised myself no more sexual things with him. Especially since that is what he wanted. The next day I didn’t hear from him till later that night asking what I was up to.

Him: “Do you feel like hanging out with an old man?”

Me: “I don’t think I’d mind that, you want some company?”

Him: “Love some”

Him: “I’m planning to go to church in the morning if you wanna come too”

Me: “I’d like that a lot…should I bring stuff with me or will I be coming back to my house tonight?”

Him: “Just bring stuff”

So I went over there and we actually had a fun night together. We watched a movie and had a few drinks before going to bed. I wasn’t sexual with him and kept things from getting there. Well he had set an alarm for us and told me to make sure he was up at a certain time. He’s been having a major issue sleeping so when the alarm went off he woke me up and I sat up to start getting ready. That’s when he told me in the saddest voice that he got no sleep at all. So I sat back in the bed and then he just made me lay down. Well he was on his phone typing then handed it over to me:

Him: “I’ve been up since 5:30 and can’t fall back asleep…will you help me go to sleep?”

Me: “How can I help you fall asleep?”

Him: “BJ”

I let out a little groan and laugh then set his phone down, he grabbed it from me.

Him: “Please 😦 “

Me: “I guess I could help a little”

I did help him fall back asleep. He got a pretty hot BJ that lasted about 30 minutes. He also was very interested in touching my hair, face and breasts. After he came he held me for a little while and then we both passed out. Once we got up we spent a little more time together. Watching tv, talking and him showing some designs he had down for his business. After a few hours I left and went home.

He did text me later that night. This week he’s talked to me every day, and actually kept a conversation with me. Two days ago he asked if I wanted to go walking in his neighborhood and I of course did. We did several miles until it started to get colder and darker. We talked the entire time and he was very protective over me while walking. He kept moving me away from traffic and making sure I was safe from vehicles. After he asked if I wanted to go to his mom’s house and see what they were doing. So we went in there and I ate dinner with him and his mom. His sister had left after a little while but it was nice to feel included. After we ate, we all visited for a little while longer and then I got up to leave. His mom walked us out, hugged us both, and the Russian walked me to my car. We were playful and kissed goodbye a few times. Nothing physical happened, we just spent some time together. Once I got home he started texting me and asking me about my work schedule so he would know if we could go walking again this week.

Of course we talked basically all night. Yesterday we talked during the day and then he asked me to go walk with him again. We did and were probably even more playful. At one point, because it was chilly, he kept putting his cold hands on my neck and under my shirt so I tried to retaliate and we ended up chasing each other a few blocks. It was probably the most fun I’ve had in a long time with him, just being in that moment and honestly not caring who was watching or what we looked like. Well, after that we went back to his place to shower, change and then get some food. After I showered he was playing his video game so when he went to shower I continued playing. After his we talked about dinner, ordered food and waited to go pick it up he turned on a show he had been watching. I set up my Netflix account at his house and since he’s had trouble sleeping he’s been watching it late at night.

On the way to get dinner he told me that if for some reason he isn’t really playful or cheery with me later it’s because he’s just tired. I told him I appreciated him telling me that and if he didn’t really feel like having company I’d understand and it wouldn’t be a big deal. He said that wasn’t the case at all he just didn’t want me to get my feelings hurt if he wasn’t playful. Well, it turned out he was still pretty playful and in a good mood. After we ate we kept watching this show of his and talking. After a few episodes he asked me to make a drink and I was about to until he made me lay on the pillow in his lap. He started to really slap my ass, to prove a point after I gave him a hard time about not doing that very hard. Once he gave me three or four extremely hard slaps he then started to just play with my hair. It was fun because we basically goof off with each other and it isn’t weird. As usual, he did take my bra off. I jokingly tried to block one of my boobs from him and in the cutest voice he said, “Stop it, I just want to play.” So I let him continue with that. He did at one point try to get his hand down my pants but I wouldn’t let him touch me. He was very persistent and didn’t like me telling him no. He kept changing the name for it as a joke we do, but he wanted to just touch my clit. Well I kept my strength and didn’t let him. He once again had a massive erection and made sure I was aware of it in ways only he can do. He eventually laid down with his head by my feet and my head in his lap. He just rubbed and massaged my legs for a while and I proceeded to playfully poke him in his belly button. It’s weird but something I enjoy doing when he lets me.

In typical Russian fashion he put my hand directly onto him and said if I was going to fidget and play with something than it needed to be something useful. I didn’t really respond to the comment and didn’t move to instantly grab him. That got to him and he made another comment then unbuttoned his pants to free his member. I proceeded to lightly touch it but nothing more. He asked me if I saw something that happened on the show and I reminded him at the angle I was at I couldn’t see it. So he sat me up and tried to position me so he was basically lying between my thighs. I knew where that would lead so I moved and had him just lay in my lap. He laid me forward so I was lying across his stomach/chest. I continued to play with him using just my hands until he brought the head of his cock to my lips.

I don’t know if it was the angle, the fact all the lights were still on or because we were 100% sober but that particular BJ really rocked his world. At one point while I was sucking he asked if I still wanted a drink, I told him I did and he said he’d make one but he may have to take me with him. I figured that would probably a fun thing to try and do. So I nodded and kept doing what I was doing waiting for him to wiggle around and us move. Well, I must have changed pressure or a movement on him because not even 30 seconds later he was telling me he was coming, not the “I’m going to” he normally gives me, he literally just couldn’t stop it. After as he laid in my lap he told me he wasn’t sure what happened but I did something and it just couldn’t be helped. That was probably one of the quickest ones I had given him, long foreplay helps make him reach his orgasm easier. Which I don’t mind giving him long BJs but my jaw appreciated the break for once.

The rest of that night we had one drink, a rather strong one, and then continued watching this show and talking. When it was time for bed he actually slept in a normal position with me that he hasn’t done in a while. Typically for him to get comfy he’d lay the opposite direction of me. By that I mean his head are by my feet and his feet are by my head.  Well he actually slept next to me and I got to rub his head and scratch his back till it put us both to sleep. When I woke up this morning I was just excited he slept next to me like that all night that well, I rewarded him with another BJ. However, this one lasted an hour and a half. It was pretty intense and he could have come a lot sooner but when he asked if I was “ready for some cum” I shook my head no and slowed my pace. He groaned loudly and told me that I was the boss and for me to tell him when he could. I didn’t deep throat him as much because that makes him go pretty quickly.

After “torturing” him for a while longer I asked if he was ready to cum and he showed me that he was ready. After he held me for a little while and then I got up to start getting ready for work. He rolled over to my side of the bed, buried himself under the covers and said, “I’m so comfortable…going back to sleep now.” I got ready for work in his bathroom and when I finished I hated waking him up to tell him bye but he woke a little and told me he was dreaming. He hasn’t slept good in a while so I left quietly.

I will say I’m glad I resisted his advances for more than what we did, I should probably decline doing those as well but I enjoy it just as much. He’s more than likely still asleep so I’ll wait to hear from him.

And that’s my life up to today…literally. I was a little over an hour late to work but I’m leaving this job after next week and well, no one cared. Plus, it was so worth it.

If anyone has any thoughts they’d like to share or any suggestions/opinions on what’s been going on with the Russian feel free to share! I’ll say things are going in a good direction, but we will see what good ole V-Day holds for us. Wish me luck!

Feelings and What? Pt. One

tumblr_md2z2tIe1e1qmi5uao1_500

I have a lot on my mind from things that have happened in the almost two weeks that have passed. I’ve had a few people in my immediate family pass away rather unexpectedly so that has really shaken me up. On top of me having to deal with those emotions and grieving the Russian dropped a major bomb on me two Sundays ago.

It’s hard to explain what all happened because at the same time I wasn’t fully focused but knew this conversation needed to happen. Basically, the Russian told me he thinks by now his feelings should be deeper for me than they are (love I guess) and he’s concerned that they aren’t. Well after a long back and forth conversation that day we decided that we both needed to take a big step back on the sexual aspect of things and focus on just dating and knowing each other. Because of the way this relationship started we never actually “courted” or went on a lot of dates before the sex aspect happened. Granted, I was living with and dating someone else at the time and he was kind of seeing someone so it was a weird start.

Well after that conversation, I basically told him I feel really stupid for falling for him if those feelings aren’t returned, I went to my house and sobbed my eyes out. Not only for my lost grandfather but for the relationship I felt I was losing as well. The next day I would be going back to my parents’ home so I took that night to try and sleep. I had told myself I would not be messaging the Russian anymore and if he wanted to speak to me he could reach out.

Well reach out he did. At one a.m. that night my phone started to ring. I had only gone to sleep about an hour before that, having been up late talking to my best friend and crying. I was completely shocked but answered the phone.

Me: “Hello?”

Him: “Hey, what are you doing?”

Me: “Um, just laying in bed. You?”

Him: “Trying to play (game) but it isn’t working tonight.”

Me: “Oh, that stinks”

Him: “How are you? You okay?”

Me: “Um, I’m not good. But it’ll get better.”

Him: “I know, I’m sorry. Did you find out the arrangements?”

We started talking about what I would have to do for the visitation and funeral, also, me having to pick up family members and drive them home with me. That went back and forth for a little while. Then I got brave and a little mad.

Me: “Why are you calling me, Russian?”

Him: “Because I really care for you and wanted to check on you.”

Me: “No you don’t, after this afternoon you made it very clear you DON’T care about me.”

Him: “That’s fucking bullshit and you know it, (name). I told you that I do care and have feelings for you. I’m just not sure if the reason my feelings aren’t deeper is because of the way things started or just me getting off these meds.”

Him: “That’s why I want us to try this a different way, I don’t want to just throw everything away.”

Me: “Honestly, Russian, if you’re just wanting to try these things as a way to pity me or let me down easier just don’t. End things now because that’ll  be easier on me.”

Him: “Oh, so you’d be completely okay if things ended?”

Me: “No I wouldn’t just be okay with it, Russian. I told you I have fallen for you but how do you think it feels when that isn’t reciprocated? When the person I want to be with more than likely doesn’t want to be with me? I don’t even know what to think or do.”

One of us lost service and the call got caught off. He called me back and we resumed talking.

Him: “I know I haven’t been the most cheerful person in the world and we haven’t really been doing dates or anything but I would really like to take you out and do things like that.”

Me: “That’s what I want. I don’t mind staying in and doing dinner and a movie at one of our homes but I want to go out and do things. The only reason I haven’t pushed for it more is because of how you’ve been feeling lately.”

Him: “I know and I really appreciate that. We just now need to focus on something different and see if things grow from that.”

I just was saying “okay” at this point.

Me: “It really sucks knowing you aren’t going to be in my life anymore.”

Him: “When the hell did I say that? I just told you what I want to do.”

Me: “Actions speak louder than words and I just don’t think you’re going to follow through. I feel like you’re pitying me or something.”

Him: “I am not pitying you. You don’t need pity from anyone. You are a total package. 9.9999 out of 10 in looks alone, you’re gorgeous. Incredibly smart, independent, amazing personality and everything anyone could want.”

Me: “Yeah, everyone but you. Lotta good that does me.”

Him: “Just stop it. We are going to get this figured out okay?”

I say okay and then get quiet.

Him: “And I want to help you with what you’re going through right now. Anything I can do. Will you please let me help you?”

Me: “Okay”

Him: “What are you going to do with the pup?”

He was going to originally keep my dog for me while I dealt with family stuff but after everything Sunday I told him I wouldn’t need him to do that and I’d figure it out. I honestly just didn’t want to rely on him for that.

Me: “Um, I haven’t thought about it yet.”

Him: “Can I please keep her for you?”

Me: “I don’t know, is that a good idea?”

Him: “Why wouldn’t it be? I care for you. I care for (my dog). I care for your mom. I want to help and if this is the only way I can, then let me.”

Me: “Okay. If you don’t mind keeping her you can keep her for a few days.”

Him: “Thank you. I really appreciate it.”

We discussed the time I’d bring her to him the next day. We kept talking for a while after that. A lot of back and forth stuff. After about an hour we decided it was time to go to sleep. After we got off the phone he texted me to say he’d set an alarm and then called me “pretty girl” which he’s used as a nickname for me before.

The next day I’m basically a hot mess. I get up to shower and fix myself up for the day. When I brought my dog to him I honestly wasn’t sure what to expect or do. He met me outside and picked her up. He looked sad but gave me a hug and basically told me good luck with the next few days. We didn’t speak again until the next day. He asked me how things were going and we spoke for a little bit. I asked him if he’d mind keeping my dog another night, which he said he didn’t mind at all. He ended up keeping her for three nights and then I went to get her after work that Thursday.

I fixed myself up a little before seeing him, because, well I needed to look good and remind him what he’s missing. He had her at his mom’s house so I met him over there. He was outside walking her when I drove up. We stood outside and talked for a little bit. He asked  how my interview had gone. (I will be starting a new job too) We talked for a little bit and since it was cold I decided it was time to go. Well he had hugged me when I got there and then when I left he hugged me again but this time is was a harder hug and he did this grasp/scratch thing to my ribs he normally does. I didn’t really respond or hug back very hard, which isn’t like me but it benefited me later on.

To be continued….

It Was a Beautiful Weekend…And Then, Shit.

tumblr_ni71qiFiYj1rmdodwo1_500

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times. Any time I take any steps forward with the Russian something comes along and drags everything back…

This weekend is the perfect example and I just don’t know what to do at this point. The Russian finally asked me to come over and have dinner with his mom and him then watch a movie. This is something they do often but he’s never asked me to come over before. So when he did I was so excited. And that wasn’t even it, he also finally asked me if I wanted to come along with his family for a day trip to see a cousin in another city. This was something he had brought up before but didn’t invite me and I told him that it made me a little sad. But I had never brought it  up since then and just left it alone. Well those two days went great.

tumblr_ngynb6krVm1tzap87o1_500

I had a lot of fun just spending time with his family and him in a different environment than we normally are in. It made me actually feel like his girlfriend for once which was nice. Especially since I’ve just been feeling funny about this relationship for some reason. Equate it to my hormones being weird from a longer period or whatever but I can’t help those feelings.

Well, after we returned to town from the day trip we went back to the Russian’s house for drinks and some down time. It had been an exhausting day for the both of us. That night we had a small disagreement but got passed it and the night went on. I had been on my period all last week (literally from Saturday to Saturday) and hadn’t received any type of…satisfaction in a while. Well he must have felt bad about it so he thankfully gave me an orgasm (sadly, just one) with his hands. After he finished with me I leaned against him out of breath but still very much turned on. He then grabbed my hand and placed in on his hard cock. I slowly started to grasp it and slightly jerk him off. Basically I was just teasing him for a good amount of time. Eventually he pulled his shorts down more and tried to get me to start sucking on him. I teased him more by not letting him into my mouth, just licking him slowly or just putting the head of him into my mouth.

leonardo-dicaprio-wolf-of-wall-street

I did start giving him a full blow job. As I’ve said in another post I can finally deep throat him and he’s pretty much addicted to that which makes me feel really good about myself. He wants me to get to the point he can, well, I guess you’d say throat fuck me. Some moments he can do it a little before I feel the need to come back up and other times not at all. So that’s a continued work in progress. Also, it is hard to deep throat back to back for me, which is what he asks for sometimes but I can either do it two or three times or just once and need a break that I’ll focus on other things. After he came we just laid with each other for a little while and then turned the movie back on.

At some point in the night I developed a terrible migraine that I tried to make go away by laying in his lap with an ice pack. Eventually I just went and laid in bed to rest and wait for him. He came and laid down with me later and everything was fine. Or so I thought.

At around 4ish in the morning my dog gets up and he wakes up to check on her. He grabbed my phone for light, which is perfectly fine, then he sees her and come back to bed. I see him playing on his phone so I put my hand on his leg and say, “Can’t go back to sleep?” And he says, “Nope” so I take that as a sign to give him another BJ. I know it could help him sleep plus I was hoping we’d have sex for the first time in a while. Well he starts to get a little hard then I start to suck on him. And he isn’t getting hard at all, he would a little bit and then nothing. So I stopped and asked if he wanted me to keepgoing and he told me yes, I asked if he was sure and he again said yes. I started going at it again and as before, nothing was happening. So I stopped and sat up to look at him. He shines his phone in my face and asks, “Why are random guys calling you at 4 in the morning?” I literally had no idea what he was talking about. So I respond, “Uh I have no idea why anyone would call at 4 in the morning. Who called?” He tells me to check my phone. I do because at this point I’m beyond confused and I’m also curious as to who is calling me.

I look and it’s a guy I graduated high school with, who I dated back in middle school! Never even had a hook up with him or anything sexual. He is also in a very serious relationship and I didn’t even know he had my number. So I explain this to the Russian and it’s plainly obvious he just does not believe me, because, he claims this happened with his ex. Fuck me right? I tell him I have no idea why this guy called, obviously it was just a mistake and that if I had anything to hide I sure as shit wouldn’t leave my phone sitting face up without a lock on it for him to see. I even tell him he could easily go through my phone if he wanted to. It’s like a round and round thing we go, it’s pretty obvious he still doesn’t really believe so I just don’t know what to do. I tried to call the guy back but he didn’t answer.  I tell him that I haven’t seen, spoken to or shown any interest in any other guys since he came alone or since we became official. That I don’t want anyone else and I wouldn’t jeopardize something I worked hard for and risked a lot for to just end up leaving him. Well eventually he says we should just go to sleep because nothing will get accomplished this late at night.

I don’t really fall back asleep till 7:30 that morning, I stayed up reading on my phone until I got tired. I was just so upset at the thought he didn’t believe or trust me and that I might lose him over absolutely nothing. Well we didn’t get out of bed till almost 2 that afternoon. He got up to shower and all that so I got up, brushed my teeth and washed my face then waited for him to come back into the room. He comes back in and changes then sits on the couch with me. My dog goes to him and lays in his lap he instantly starts petting her and being playful with her. We pretty much sit there in this weird silence and I just don’t know what even to say. So eventually I ask him, “So are we going to talk about things or should I just leave?” He tells me he is completely exhausted because he couldn’t sleep good, apparently my dog was moving around a lot and kept waking him up.

tumblr_mmyzz1uBpO1s6gfh9o1_250

Well we discussed it somewhat but nothing really got accomplished because I could tell he was too tired to really process anything. He told me he was going to go to either his mom or dad’s house that night then try and go to bed early. He asked what our (my dog and I) plans were and I just said go home and catch up on house stuff. I hadn’t been there since 6 pm Friday night.

tumblr_nf07tlqtt31rsv47uo1_400

Well before I left I told him I just wanted to ask one question before I left. “Are you going to want to end things?” And his response was a simple, “No, I don’t think so.” Well a few minutes after that I gathered all my stuff up, loaded my vehicle and put my pup in there with everything. He walked me to my car, opened the door and then we just stood there kind of awkwardly not knowing what to say or do. So he pulled me in for a hug, kissed my cheek and forehead then we kissed each other bye. He told me, “Well I had a really good weekend…well except for earlier.” I nodded my head and said I did too. I then just stood there and said, “Well I guess I’ll see you some other time then?” And he smile and said yeah.

tumblr_n6p9ucxwZw1rkbqbko1_500

That drive home was just terrible. I cried my eyes out and called my mom to tell her everything that had happened.  She knew it was ridiculous because once I told her who the guy was she actually laughed and couldn’t believe it. Mainly because this guy is about to get engaged and obviously madly in love with his girlfriend (who I have always really liked) he’s been with for a few years. AND I HAVEN’T SEEN HIM IN YEARS AND ONLY SPEAK TO HIM RARELY. I didn’t even know he had my number. She thinks I should be madder at him than anything but I don’t have it in me. I’m frustrated he didn’t give me the benefit of the doubt and jumped to the worst possible thing. I told my best friend him being that way makes me almost worried he may be doing something wrong if he gets that upset.

I finally got in touch with the guy who called me and got the answer I knew was right, here is that conversation:

Friend: “Hey (real name), sorry about calling you last night.”

Me: “Hey, why did you call me at 4 am last night?”

Friend: “I’m sorry, I was drunk and don’t think I meant to”

Me: “Okay, I wasn’t sure why. I figured it was just a mistake but wanted to make sure. Thanks.”

(I then thought to myself, I planned to show this to the Russian and should just get all my thoughts out there.)

Me: “I know it was an accident but I’d appreciate it if it didn’t happen again though. My boyfriend saw that you called and got really upset with me. I didn’t even have an answer for why you’d call, because I didn’t even know why. He means a lot to me and so does our relationship that I don’t want to jeopardize it over nothing.”

Friend: “It won’t happen again. I’m very sorry. I have been with (real name) for four and a half year. I promise it was nothing like that. Please pass my apologies along to your boyfriend.”

Me: “I will and I appreciate the apology. I knew it was just a mistake. I’m glad you and (real name) are doing good. I love you two as a couple and hope the best for you both!”

Friend: “Thank you. I wish you two the best too.”

I easily could have taken an uglier approach to it because I was super pissed about this situation but I grew up with this guy and his parents are friends with mine. I didn’t want to burn a bridge or have word get around I was a mean and bitchy person. Not like I am an angel or anything. Plus, I genuinely like the guy. We grew up together with the same group and he was one of the nicer ones to me in high school when I hit a rough time and his girlfriend is honestly the cutest and sweetest thing.

The Russian did text me later Sunday night:

Him: “Ever seen the frozen ground?”

Me: “No, I’ve never even heard of it”

An hour or so later:

Him: “It was really good”

Me: “What was it about?”

Him: “An Alaskan serial killer”

Him: “Based on a true story”

Me: “Hm it does sound interesting”

Him: “I’d give it 7.5-8”

Me: “Coming from you that’s impressive!”

And that was it, I have yet to hear anything from him since then and I know that’s his MO when he’s upset. So once that got squashed with my friend I plan to share this with the Russian whenever I see him in person, if that ever happens again. It’ll hopefully put his mind at ease when he sees that it was honestly a mistake and meant nothing. Hell, I have drunk dialed the wrong people before and didn’t remember it till they said something about it.

tumblr_nf8t8shthh1u2gukmo1_500

So yeah, that’s my life in a nutshell right now. What do you think, reader?

Did I handle things correctly? What would you have done in this situation? How should I approach things with the Russian when this is discussed again? Have you ever had this situation happen to you? Share your thoughts!

tumblr_ni79u5DiyE1qfdwsio1_400

Starving For Truth

who did that

Is it typical for men to be such complicated creatures?  I sit and type this while at work on my last day for the week. Yay holidays! I don’t have anything to do as some of our servers are down and I can’t really do anything without one so I’ll just write.

leonardo-dicaprio-wolf-of-wall-street

And I’m not sure if anyone is really wondering or not but the Russian did finally text me back. Here’s a recap of the conversation: Russian had asked me about NYE and if I had any plans or what I typically did for that night. Considering I was dating someone for several years we always went out and drank the night away or took out of town trips. I mentioned the basics of this “just go out or go out of town” to him. He on the other hand mentioned family stuff he typically does. I then sent the following text:

Me: “Are you inviting me for Wednesday?”

THREE HOURS LATER.

Him: “I hadn’t yet but I was planning on it :)”

Me: “Well that’s good to know lol :)”

And that was all that was said last night. Nothing else.

tumblr_m4umehHMXb1qfa135

Granted, we do spend a lot of time together but that’s more his doing than mine. He’s usually the one asking to see me or do something. Which is exactly what I prefer, every now and then I’ll ask him if he’d like to see me. But as mentioned before Mondays are usually a gaming night for him and I know this.

Is this what it’s like to truly miss someone? I just want to see him and lean my head on his shoulder then feel him put his head against mine. I’m so bad at admitting my feelings to people because in my past as soon as I do they either run away or just take advantage of that. So I’ve been testing the waters with him by sending cute texts or telling him something in person. But he still confuses me sometimes.
leaning

Is it because he finally caught the pretty, shiny toy and now that interest has faded? Am I still too intimidating for him sometimes? Or am I just making dramatic scenarios up in my head as an excuse to pull back emotionally? Ugh. The man did spend quite a lot of money on me for Christmas and my birthday so it isn’t like he would just jump back right after that, right?


tumblr_nh4bqrs63u1qfdwsio1_500

I would feel so much better if he would just ask to see me and then hold me for a little while. Also, some sex would be really great too. My last relationship was basically sexless and I’m quite a sex fiend, my friends basically call me a man because of my sex drive and constant thoughts of it. You would think after years of being deprived of it and told no, even if it was just typically five minutes, I would be use to not getting it. But man, once you’ve had really good sex you just can’t stop it like that. And I’ve had the best sex of my life with the Russian so it’s hard when you don’t have it for a while.

I know I agreed that we needed to focus on the relationship itself and not just the sexual side; we both know that chemistry isn’t going anywhere. Hell, he’s told me when I touch him, in a nonsexual way, he basically tingles all over. I know it was my choice not to have sex on my period though because I just really hate the messiness of it. I’ve got to get on that birth control that you only have your period once every three months.


tumblr_nh4bqrs63u1qfdwsio1_500

Basically this is just me ranting and getting emotions out with no holding back. I apologize for this, I’m just in a cluster fuck of emotions and thoughts right now. See, this is what happens when you aren’t cuddled or fucked in a while. Weird thoughts happen and you just need to be held, cared for and then fucked.

Any thoughts? Or has anyone felt this way before? Share your thoughts! I’m here all day….literally.


universe

I’m Here For You

I meant to post this before my previous “You are mine” posts. This may help in explaining a few things if anyone found themselves confused!

tumblr_mzzk0fAYdF1tpnieuo1_500

Things have taken some unexpected turns since my last post. I should resist the urge to write when I’m on my period because those emotions tend to be all over the place.

Well, the last time I posted the Russian and I had decided to slow things down sexually. Which I can agree with (some) because as we try to form a relationship we need to focus on other things besides amazing sex. That week we didn’t have sex at all. He was going out of town from Friday to Sunday so I really only saw him two days. I did spend the night with him each night and every morning we fooled around. I pretty much have his “move” figured out in the mornings. Alarms go off, he rolls me over and we cuddle for a while, then he proceeds to roll me on top of him to hold me and then fun finally begins. Like clockwork people. So Wednesday and Friday morning this same routine happened, he got a BJ and I got, well, revved up and then nothing. Bummer to say the least.

While he was out of town we spoke pretty much the entire weekend, which was really nice considering he was with guys all weekend playing video games. When he got back that Sunday of course he asked to see me, so I went over and we just talked about a bunch of random stuff. That next week was very intense and kind of thought provoking.

We didn’t really talk much Monday with him working long hours and then on Mondays he has his “guy night” to play Halo or other games.  Tuesday we talked here and there, then of course had our usual night together. We attempted to watch a movie but we ended up having one of our typical deep talks. I have been dealing with issues at my job with a coworker basically bullying me. So I vented to him about it and we discussed ways I can work on looking on the more positive side of things.

I mentioned to him that my best friend was dealing with a situation with her ex boyfriend. He was going through his own type of depression and dealing with a lot. He’s the same age as my Russian. I told him that he told my friend he didn’t see himself with her in 10 years and wasn’t sure because he knew he should be falling in love with her but didn’t feel that way. She of course left him because she does love him but didn’t want to stay like that. I told him now her ex is trying to slowly make his way back into her life in usual fashion: nice gestures, reminding her of old memories, offering support, etc.

He told me that maybe the depression he was going through was clouding his feelings and when she wasn’t super understanding of him during this time caused him to want to pull away. He then mentioned how I have been handling his emotional issues/depression very well. Which I told him of course I was, I knew what he was going through since he told me and I can appreciate it more in order to be there for him but not be overbearing or take things too personal.

It was really nice that night because he was so affectionate for the first time in a long time. We actually made out like a couple of teenagers. Just kissing and touching each other. He would make me lay on top of him and just cuddle. When we got in bed we continued fooling around and this led to me giving a pretty good BJ. I stayed the night with him and just cuddled with him the rest of the night. That next morning he woke me up (since he has to be up earlier than me) and we proceeded to fool around a little. He pulled me on top of him (like always) and we proceeded to basically grind against each other. We were just in our undies so he proceeded to tease me and lightly spank my pussy. At one point I’m grinding against him getting close to an orgasm but I stop. We hadn’t had sex still in two weeks at this point but I wasn’t going to ask for it. Well, after I stopped myself from finishing he whispers in my ear, “Go ahead and get one.” Well, I took that as get me an orgasm so I continued what I was doing until I did. Turns out, he meant get a condom. Duh. Well, he didn’t mind what I did and actually called it hot. After mine of course he asked if I could help him with his and I then proceeded to give him another BJ. This one was a little bit rougher which was extremely sexy. I like knowing how much he wants me and how much of an affect I can have on him. Afterwards we did cuddle for a few minutes and then he got up to get ready for work.

We both went onto work as normal. Well the next day he basically had some major revelation about where his life was going and what he wanted with his life. He basically had a breakdown I think.

He sent me an urgent text about it and then called me when I got off work. He told me he was going to talk to someone he views as a mentor and wanted to know if he could come by after he left that man’s house. I told him I would be home and he could come over if he wanted.

Well I clean up around the house some, take a shower and think maybe he calmed down so he won’t be coming by. Well, of course he calls me and asks if I’ve eaten yet. I tell him no and wherever he wants to stop is fine with me. I can tell in his voice he’s really upset and probably on the verge of crying. He tells me he can’t really think clearly so I tell him where to go, what to get and tell him to just get to my house. When he pulls up and walks to my door I go to let him in and his face just broke my heart.

He looked completely exhausted, broken and sad all at one time. When he walked in the door he set the food on my kitchen table and then turned to me for a hug. I wrapped my arms around him and let him just lean into me. We just stood there and held each other for a long time, I knew that’s what he really needed and didn’t break the hug until he did. So we just sat at my kitchen table and talked about everything he was going through about his career choice. I won’t go into heavy detail but we spent a good five hours just talking.

He recently had started just laying his head in my lap so he could fully relax and let me comfort him basically. The first time he did it was that night on my kitchen floor. Long story short but after we ate for some reason he just sat on my kitchen floor and I sat in front of him. After a while he ended up just putting his head in my lap and laying there. When we moved to my couch we just continued talking and intermittently he would lay down with his head in my lap.

cuddle

As it got later he went back to his house, we didn’t make a lot of progress but it did him good just to be able to talk and think out loud to me, then listen to my thoughts on what he should do. He ended up taking that next day off to speak with his family and close friends about what he was thinking, as well as keeping me informed of things. That night he asked me to come over again to just really look at the details of what he wanted to do and just be there for support. Which is what I’m best at and exactly what I did for him during the time I was there. That night we drank rather heavily once we finished looking over things and just enjoyed being near each other. Of course, he did lay in my lap a few times which basically makes me melt every time he does it. I stayed the night with him and helped him prepare for his day ahead.

As the day progressed he kept me updated on how things were going and what he was doing. That night of course he asked if I wanted to see him and it was one of the sweeter ways he’s done that.

Him: “We hanging out tonight?”

Me: “I would like to if you’re cool with it”

Him: “I would love to”

That right there instantly made me smile. So that night he came over to my house and we talked for a little bit on how his day went and then we left to get some food. After we got back and ate dinner he offered to help me rearrange my furniture. After spending an hour doing so we finally got it the way I wanted it so we settled in to watch a movie and drink even more. We talk during the movie, as usual, and don’t even finish it before we fall asleep on the couch together. I wake up before him and drag him to my bed so we can actually sleep comfortably.

That morning we wake up and get pretty frisky with each other. I stopped expecting sex and hadn’t brought it up since the conversation we had a few weeks ago. Well that morning while I was giving him head and practicing a new technique I read about he pulled me  up to him and asked if I wanted him inside me. I instantly closed my eyes and had to control a moan that crept up into my throat. I shook my head slightly letting him know that yes I did. He asked me to go get one of the condoms from my bathroom, which I happily obliged doing.

It had been over two weeks since we last had sex and I was slightly nervous about how this was going to happen. It was pretty amazing, even though I was slightly out of practice and my stamina was down a little. I was on top the majority of the time of course, but we did change positions several times. That man drives me crazy in bed. After many orgasms he finally asked me if he could have his turn to orgasm and I told him he could. He did and afterward we just laid in bed together. Normally, as you all know, he would jump up to shower and all that. This time he just put my head on his chest and held me.

tumblr_ngw3tzfDu31rizz8go1_500

After a short nap, not even 15 minutes, he asked if I would give him a BJ. I was so shocked but happy to do it. I gave him one and it wasn’t as long as the normal ones of course, but it was still fun. He laid in my bed for a while since I was showering to get ready for the day. When I finished he asked if I had any food and I said “We have the leftovers from last night and I have a few things I can do for breakfast.” He playfully told me, “Then make me some damn breakfast woman!” So while he showered I scrambled a few eggs, seared some of the leftover steak and fixed up the rest of everything. We ate breakfast together and then he did some exercises for his back while I watched.

We actually spent the entire weekend together, just like old times. That Saturday we just played around at my house and had lunch together. Then we just watched Christmas movies while cuddling on my couch for a few hours until we got hungry again. He took me to go get some lunch at one of our favorite places. On the drive back to my house he asks me if I’d like to go to church with him tomorrow. I was a little surprised, because he has mentioned taking me before but never actually upfront asked me. I told him I would really like that and would go with him. He tells me I should just pack up what I want to wear for tomorrow and I can just stay with him that night. Well we do just that. I pack an overnight bag, he picks up my dog and we head to his house. We run inside a local grocery store to pick up a few snacks, a new movie and of course some alcohol. That night we just spent together watching the movie and drinking. He was so tired from everything that had been happening he literally passed out while I played with his hair. He eventually laid down and put his head in my lap. I finished the movie and then we went to sleep.

We woke up and got ready to go to church together for the first time. Once we were both ready we took his vehicle and headed that way. I met a few of his family members there and it was a nice service that Sunday. Afterwards we get lunch together and go back to his house. After changing we lay down to take a nap and I actually do try to sleep since I am tired. He does too but he cuddles me more and we get playful eventually with each other and that led to some pretty great sex. Afterwards a little later he drove me home and helped me unload everything and my dog into my house. We said our goodbyes and it was really sweet. We hadn’t spent a weekend together like that in a while. And since it was before the holidays I was sure it wouldn’t happen quite like that for a little while. But he did still manage to surprise me later on in this month.

tumblr_ngynb6krVm1tzap87o1_500

You Are Mine Part Two

tumblr_nh1zc1Hzc81s0y9xlo1_500

Later that weekend he took me to a Christmas party that his dad was hosting. I have met his dad a few times previously so that made things easier in breaking the ice with the family. It was actually a fun night and I was really happy he finally brought me around some of his family.

That next week was of course the week of Christmas. I spent Sunday and Monday at his house. He spent Tuesday with me and then I stayed with him Christmas night and then Saturday night. Tuesday was a very interesting one to say the least. He came over after eating dinner with his mom and sister so we basically just sat on the couch drinking and talking.

At one point he went to the guest bathroom instead of mine, which he does every now and then, he comes back out and looks funny. He tells me he noticed there was a drop on the toilet seat lid. I looked at him and said, “Well that’s your bathroom basically and you’re the only guy ever in there.” I could tell he was letting bad memories come back and he was just saying he’s usually good at cleaning up after himself and seeing that made his heart drop. I touched his face and told him, “I can tell you the only other men in that bathroom were my dad, little brothers and my gay best friend. But he last came over the weekend I moved it.”

He shook his head and said I know it just was me letting myself think bad things. I reminded him that the last time he used that bathroom we got really drunk and he took his sleeping pill before using it. That was like a light bulb that went off and he remembered. I even told him I hadn’t been home that much and was with him every night last week. He has such strong insecurities and I know the way we started doesn’t help but progress gets made every day.

Now, I had been meaning to talk to him about Christmas and explain to him that I wasn’t expecting anything and he shouldn’t feel obligated to get me anything. Well he very convincingly said he wanted to get some chapstick out of his vehicle. I told him to not be ridiculous because it was cold out and I had some in my purse. He insists and goes outside.

He returns with two packages wrapped with bows on them. I look at him with a complete shocked facial expression. I immediately tell him, “Oh you did not have to get me anything!! I was just about to say something about it!” I had already gotten him a few things but wasn’t ready to give them to him.

He just smiles and tells me to come get them. I walk over to grab the packages and sit back on my couch. He sits next to me and before I open them I lean over and kiss him on the cheek. There were two boxes. A larger one and a smaller one, I start to open the smaller one since it was on top and looked like a DVD. He stops me and asks that I open that last. I open the first one and it was something he had made for me for my home. I love it and immediately set it up in my kitchen. I open the second one and notice it was a DVD about an activity he does that I’ve wanted to do but since buying the house I couldn’t really afford it at the moment.

Well, I thought he had just given me a DVD on scuba diving and what it all entails so I tell him thank you and kiss him. He looks confused and asks me if I really understand what it means. I tell him, “Yeah it’s a video on scuba diving duh.” He starts to laugh and says, “No pretty girl, that is just a part of your gift. I’m paying for your lessons to get certified. And I also have a gift card for all the necessities you need to start off with.”

I was completely shocked. This was such a wonderful and unexpected gift, especially since we hadn’t even discussed doing gifts at all. I know he spent a good deal of money on this so I was just speechless. I pretty much jumped in his lap and started cuddling him and kissing him all over. I told him thank you a million times that night and pretty much the entire week. He gave them to me early because he said he can’t hold onto gifts and he wasn’t sure when I’d want to do gifts. Needless to say it was a wonderful evening together. We talked a lot, drank more, cuddled on the couch and eventually went to bed.

That morning we woke up and in typical fashion we started slowly fooling around with each other. Unfortunately, I started my period that night so he made sure to take care of me but there was no sex. Lots of orgasms though, for the both of us. I gave him four or five BJs, I can’t exactly remember the number but it was amazing. Each one was more intense than the other and I couldn’t get enough of it. We basically circled the bed multiple times in different positions so he could touch me and so I was still able to suck him. I also successfully deep throated him multiple times, finally! It did cause my throat to hurt a little but it was so incredibly sexy. The moans he would make when I did it and the way he’d ask me to do it again and if I was okay. He was definitely caring during the entire process.

tumblr_n46fifBqs51rjl0nzo1_500

Afterwards we both just laid in my bed completely satisfied but happy. He left later that afternoon and I went to stay at my parent’s house for the night.

I came back home the night of Christmas and he asked to see me again. This time he brought me to meet more of his family and spend time with them. It was really great to meet his family and spend time with them and of course with him as well. I gave him his Christmas presents that night and he couldn’t resist giving me my birthday presents early. Mine is right after Christmas so he gave me my gifts that night. I was completely shocked he even did anything and I told him again he didn’t have to at all. He did very well and I was quite happy. I stayed the night and the next day he had some family stuff planned so I went home to relax and enjoy some of my gifts.

For my birthday he took me out for a really nice dinner and to see a new movie we both wanted to see. Because of my period I really just wasn’t in one of the best moods, I was feeling a little slighted by my family and he had made a joke about something I said that I took the wrong way. So I was a little tense when I first arrived at his house (we agreed I would meet him at his house since that’s where I wanted to stay for the night) and eventually I told him what was wrong and he apologized and I was fine. After dinner and the movie we went back to his house, had a drink, watched a little television and then went to sleep.

That morning though, man he definitely woke me up with a surprise. He had been having trouble sleeping so to help he switched ends of the bed. Meaning I was sleeping the normal way in a bed and he was opposite. His head down by my feet, I wasn’t exactly pleased with the arrangement but I knew he just needed sleep and did want me there. Well he rolled over at some point and started to just cuddle my legs. He’d rub them or just hug them closer to him. At some point he eventually got me turned over and lying on top of him with my legs spread in front of him. Since I was on the last day of my period he couldn’t do much but oh, what he did.

He started slowly, massaging my legs and then my ass. He would slowly rub the inside of my thighs and then work back on my ass. I would moan a little while he massaged me because it did feel really great. Eventually he started to slowly rub my clit through my panties, he’d put a little pressure on it and then stop and move his hands. After teasing me like that for a while he then moved my panties to the side and continued to rub my clit more aggressively. I came I don’t how many times from that, I miss the sex believe me, but he can still do things to me that drive me insane. He then somehow grabs one of my hands and puts it on his dick with is rock hard. I grasp it and play with him until I sit up on my knees and hands so I can suck his dick. He continues to play with me but I tell him that it’s hard for me to concentrate when he’s doing that so good. I’m in a different angle this time so I’m doing a few new things to him and I can tell he really enjoys it.

He’s got his hands firmly wrapped in my hair and every now and then he would put one on my throat or face just to touch me. At one point he seductively asks me:

“Which way do you prefer it?” He then pulls my mouth off of him so I can respond, “I really like both, it’s a little harder to deep throat this way though.”

I continue at that angle for a little longer than he spins himself around and we are in what I call the typical BJ position. He continues to have his hands in my hair and he talks to me a little in the way he knows I like. After he came I lay on his chest for a little bit before we decide to actually get out of bed. I felt like things were a little weird between the two of us when I was leaving. More than likely those wonderful additional emotions my periods make me feel. He’s been going through a lot lately too so that probably doesn’t help either.

When I got home he asked if I made it safely and all that jazz.

But today has been awkward. He was texting me and things went like this during the conversation:

Him: “Aren’t you going somewhere this week?”

Me: “Me? No I didn’t plan on it. I’m taking off after Tuesday but I’m not going anywhere. Are you?”

Him: “I knew you were off but I thought you were going somewhere for some reason. Nope I’m not going anywhere”

Him: “Wednesday night we always go to my uncle’s and Friday I’m going to a boat show with him”

Me: “Oh okay that sounds fun”

Him: “What do you normally do?”

Me: “I don’t really have any traditional plans. It was always either go out or go out of town. My parents don’t really do anything special besides like a lunch/dinner on New Year’s Day lol”

Him: “The dermatologist antibiotic isn’t eligible until 1/1 lol”

Me: “How awesome lol how much will that be?”

Him: “Not sure but might not need it”

Me: “You don’t think?”

Me: “Are you inviting me for Wednesday?”

tumblr_m4umehHMXb1qfa135

And that was the last text I sent, asking about Wednesday since he brought it up. I wasn’t going to but I just wanted to know since isn’t it typical for couples to be together on NYE? I sent it two hours ago and haven’t gotten a response back. I’m not sure what to think or expect at this point. I won’t text him again since I asked a direct question and he hasn’t answered yet. Any thoughts? I’m just confused since he mentioned all those details but hasn’t responded yet. I know he’s probably doing other things but it bothers me a little he has yet to respond.

817d3-pswhatididntsay4copy