Thoughts: Break Ups, Bad Job and Dating?

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Every day sometimes feels like such a struggle for me. I’m three days away from exactly one month of not seeing the Russian, four days since I sent the letter. While I am focusing on bettering myself in different ways and trying to stay busy, I have moments that I let creep in and then I think of him. His voice, his touch, all the time spent with him and I get sad. How long until that goes away? I always have dreams that he pops into, almost every single night. I just want peace. And a part of me wants him to reach out to me. It’s been almost three weeks since we last spoke. I know I need to get over him and it, but it’s so hard. I do continue to workout five to six times a week, spend time with my pup and keep somewhat busy. But I have no fulfillment in anything.

I do not like my current job and am actively looking for a new one. Maybe if I actually liked my job it would be different and I’d be excited for each day. But when you get hired being told one thing and then everything is changed, you can’t stand your coworkers and even fake sick just so you don’t have to go in cannot be good signs. I want a job like I had when I was with the Russian, it had its moments but I loved that job. I was around so many people and made great friends. I miss the corporate world. This small business shit with less than 15 coworkers isn’t for me. Especially when I’m the youngest one here. And I also have no privacy or drive here, the work is way too slow and not challenging enough. But I needed to start having some money flowing in. Which is why I’m here but looking elsewhere.

I know I’m in a funk and I know I am also majorly sexually frustrated. I know I’m not ready to date but when I am, what are the best ways to date in a new city? Dating apps? Going for drinks? Do I go alone or with friends? I need some help.

New Year, New City, Same Me.

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It has been such a long time since I’ve written anything. Mainly because my life was entirely too hectic and dysfunctional to even sit down and process everything. So much has happened since April of last year. As you can imagine, the Russian and I continued the toxic back and forth throughout the year. What can I say, I’m a romantic masochist. Bigger news? I sold my home earlier this year and moved to a whole new state. The process was long and stressful to say the least. The Russian knew the entire time I was moving, and in typical Russian style, would say things like, “Just because you move doesn’t mean things have to end.” Ha. I didn’t officially move until the summer time, and even though I had a new place I spent basically the summer with him. Me driving to him of course, staying with him and helping him with his business venture.

Fool that I am thought maybe things could work. Maybe distance makes the heart grow fonder and he’d genuinely see he wanted me in his life. I’d even move back to be with him when my lease was up if he wanted. HA. I helped him out a lot with his business, he needed to travel at one point and I was put in charge of overseeing things so he wouldn’t go without a profit. Things were great. Things were not that great in some areas. I had been thinking a lot about where things stood or would even be going. Especially once I started officially working again, how would this work? We had maybe two days out of this last month that weren’t great. I was on my period and he wasn’t being as sexual or affectionate with me so my overthinking kicks in and I get annoyed. Fast forward and we fight. Fighting is the quickest way for the Russian to want out of anything. He isn’t emotionally equipped to handle an argument and move past it.

I returned to my city and we barely spoke. Two days later and still in a weird limbo I sent him an email. Basically, describing to him what it was I wanted, from him or any relationship, and asking him what it was he wanted. I also told him if all he wanted was for me to be a fuck buddy I would not be continuing that any further. I gave him a week. I thought he’d be quick in his response, I thought he’d come back and want to try something with me. Nope. When I reached out to him he told me, once again, he isn’t sure if he is in love with me but doesn’t necessarily want to lose me in his. I told him that was it then, he needed to allow me to move on and get over him and this ridiculous roller coaster. In the email, I told him he needed to not contact me for at least six months since I think that will be enough time to get past this. That’s been a week since this conversation.

So here I am, officially in a new city and with a new job. But feeling a little lost. I don’t know anyone here and I haven’t been single in years. I am nowhere near ready to date again, much less sleep with someone new. I’ve started a new workout routine and have decided to follow a lifelong dream of mine, getting into law school. I take my LSATs in December and that is incredibly nerve racking.

Anyone have advice on how to completely get over a toxic, long term, on/off again relationship? I am sure I will hear from him at some point, I just need to stay distracted and focused. My friends jokingly tell me once I’ve had good sex with someone else the Russian will become a distant memory. The idea of sleeping with a new person is kinda scary to me. While I have an extremely high sex drive and love sex (the Russian was the best I’ve ever had), especially certain things, I’ve never slept with multiple partners or anything like that.

This is just a brief summary of my life the past year and three months. Maybe I’ll update further on what happened, or maybe I’ll just focus on the future and what exactly is happening to me as I try to start everything over again.

Wish me luck.

Will You Tell Me How’s It Going To Be?

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So much happened from the day after my last post, it’s pretty insane.

The boyfriend and I have officially broken up, as in, I’m in a separate bedroom in the house and we’re both searching for our own places. Even though I do already have mine and will be in it next month.

 

How did this break up happen you wonder? In order to save room for the rest of what’s been going on I’ll give you the abridged version. He asked to look at my cell phone, specifically my text conversations. I couldn’t let him do that so I resisted, three hours later after revealing true feelings and thoughts we decided to end things and find our own places.

It was a little rough on me, I hate ending things and I did once love him more than anything. We’ve been together getting close to six years now and lived together for probably five of those six. Now comes the daunting task of going through who gets what and moving into a new place. It is a weird situation though, because I still have to break my habits of wanting a kiss hello or goodbye, but I’m working on it.

 

Things with the Russian are going really well, after Tuesday night we opened up a whole new barrier between us. But I’m getting ahead of myself already.

 

Two days after the boyfriend and I ended things I went to see the Russian. Grabbed some food for us like usual and headed to his house, this was on a Friday so I didn’t have any time restrictions. We did our usual thing and I finally got caught up on the show we had been watching together. We also had sex, twice. The second time was not expected at all but worth it. I don’t have a lot of details because that happened about two weeks ago! After that we talked some over the weekend as usual.

 

The next week we didn’t see each other but we talked almost every day. He’s been having issues with work and we spend a lot of time talking about that. He always asks for my opinion about what’s going on and how I think he handled something. I was a little sad I didn’t get to see him last week, especially since he knew that the boyfriend and I had broken up but I kept myself busy and didn’t stay at the house too much over that weekend. We did however talk to each other over the entire weekend. I had gone out with some of my friends Saturday night and I was talking with him that night, and Sunday we spoke all day and late into the night. He had asked if I could see him Monday but I had plans and couldn’t, but we continued to talk to each other the rest of that night.

 

Tuesday came and we talked, I initiated a conversation that led to him asking if I wanted to have dinner and watch a movie.

I, of course, did so I finished getting ready and went to his house. Monday night we had been talking about him updating his resume and he sent it to me just to look over via email and give him my first thoughts on it. Well when I got there he asked if I would mind looking over it again with him. I was glad he had asked me to help him with something like that, we probably spent two hours between going through his resume and just talking. He told me he liked that we could just spend time with each other like that, since normally we usually get right into the show. Once we had gotten through his resume and felt good about it, we got on the topic of my looks. We had the usual discussion on how he doesn’t believe I don’t find myself attractive and all that jazz.

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Eventually we started a movie, or attempted to start one. We put the movie in put paused it as soon as it started. He had asked me why the boyfriend and I ended. I explained what all happened to him and this is when things got very real. We talked about what this could turn into, his explanation for our “extended quietnesses” and any reserves we have with each other.

 

He explained that he can see what we have now becoming more, but he doesn’t want me to jump from one relationship to another and at the same time he’s worried I might meet someone else once I moved out and that would cause me to just leave him. I told him I’m not looking for anyone else and I also don’t want to just jump into another relationship. He told me the reason we sometimes don’t speak, on his part, is because that is his way of not getting too attached to me given the situation we are in. He was worried he would and then I’d either just stay with my boyfriend or I had just been using him. I told him that’s the reason I never made a big deal out of it because it wouldn’t be fair of me to set expectations for him giving the situation and how complicated it is right now. He told me that he really liked that I was able to understand that and not get immediately mad at him, his exact words were, “I know you can lay the law down and I can see that in you, but I appreciate it that you understand why things have been this way.”

 

We didn’t sleep together that night, it was my time of the month, but other stuff did happen of course. He wanted me to set a goal for how many orgasms he could give me that night, just from touching me. I said eight, well he easily surpassed that goal. Things did get fairly dirty, he made a point to make me suck his finger and he’d put it down my throat to see if I’d gag…I didn’t of course. That drove him crazy. He also proceeded to rub his dick against me, without a condom on. I resisted at first but he said he just wanted to touch me and I couldn’t really resist him.

 

When I finally convinced him I needed to leave he started walking me to my car but stopped me against the door, and then my car. Teasing me. I had been bent over in some shorts and I told him I wanted him to fuck me while I wore these, he told me he planned on it.

 

The next day we started by talking about the night before and how things went. Then we joked with each and talked on and off during the day. That night we talked more about his work issues and what was currently going on with that. That night he mentioned he wanted to tell me specific stuff about work in person and that if I was in my own place he wouldn’t have minded coming by to talk to me. I told him it wouldn’t be much longer and he asked the date again. Then he offered to help me move, I wasn’t going to ask too many people to help me and I didn’t want to ask him. I told him that and he said I should have known he would offer and that he can lend me his trailer and help. That surprised me a lot but I told him thank you.

 

After talking that night I didn’t hear from him until Thursday afternoon, when he asked to see me again. I was a little surprised because we usually don’t see each other that quickly in one week but I agreed and went over there. Thursday night we ate and again had some more serious talks about things. He wanted me to be more honest with him about certain things so I finally asked him if he’s ever told anybody about us and me. He said besides the friend who we’ve hung out with? I told him yes. He mentioned he told two of his best friends that live further away. He said he didn’t want to tell too many people because 1. If things fell through he didn’t want to look like an idiot and 2. We both know the same people so word could get out fairly easy. He then wanted to know why I asked him that, at first I didn’t really want to tell him but I finally said I was just curious if he was embarrassed by me. He literally looked so shocked when I said that.

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He couldn’t believe I would think that about myself. He then went on another longish rant about my looks and how beautiful I am and that I should never think like that. He asked if I thought I was good looking enough for him and I kind of shrugged my shoulders at him and he was literally telling me that I was too pretty for him. And then we started talking about numbering each other and all that again. I told him I feel average about myself and he told me he would rank me a nine on looks alone. This went on for a little while and we finally started watching a movie again.

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We started fooling around with each other and while I was kissing him I said I wished he was inside of me, and he told me he wanted to be and that he didn’t mind it being that time of the month. So he got us a towel and I went to the bathroom. When I came back he had everything laid out and ready to go for us. He made a comment about the condoms and the fact he had to get the smaller ones because they were out of his normal size…magnum XL if anyone was wondering.

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So we started on the couch with me on top for a while, and then eventually we moved to standing and him behind me. He leaned me over this big chair of his and pretty much went to town on me. Slapping my ass and all that jazz. Then we got into his bed and he put another condom on, I was starting to feel somewhat bad because I knew they were too small for him but he never complained. We stayed in his bed with him on top of me with my legs on his shoulders until he came. We eventually went back to the couch and watched the movie again till it ended.

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We eventually picked another movie out but somehow we talked about singing so he turned on some music and we started singing with each other. He has a really good voice and he normally always refuses to sing to me. I can’t really sing but I went along with him. Two songs really stuck out to me that he picked to play and sing. The first was “All of Me” by John Legend and the other was “Let’s Get it On” by Marvin Gaye. I say these two because he really sang those and would squeeze me closer to him while he did it. He had me laying with my back against his chest this entire time. We probably laid there singing and talking for a good hour if not more.

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As things normally do, we got frisky again for a round two. He made a comment about the “tiny” condoms and when I looked at them I realized how small they were compared to him. Well, needless to say we had sex without them for the second round. And he felt absolutely amazing to me. I know we shouldn’t have but it’s like I just couldn’t help myself. Of course, when he got closer to coming he asked where he should come, I asked where he wanted. Typical guy answer…on my face and in my mouth.

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I did say no at first, it’s more of a control thing for me to not let that happen but he eventually broke my barriers down and he stood me up to fuck me from behind, and then when he was about to come he spun me around, put me on my knees and came in my mouth and on my face. I was a little shocked it actually happened and he could tell by my facial expression. But he got me a wet towel and helped me clean my face off. This was around almost 4 am by this point when we finished, and as usual I had to leave. He didn’t want me to go but knew I had to. The next morning he started talking to me again, making fun of me for keeping him up all night. Of course, he brought up the fact I didn’t make him use a condom. He then asked what times are usually the ones you need to wear protection, I thought to myself well all the time but I told him when I’m ovulating you have to be more careful.

 

We talked some that afternoon but I was busy driving back from a business meeting and running off two hours of sleep so after I ate dinner I all but passed out. He sent me his usual text at about midnight that night:

 

Him: “Whaaaaaaaaaat”

Me: “Hello sir”

Him: “JJs, dance floor”

Me: “Lol getting your groove on?”

Him: “McMinnville, C’mon. Fucking word smith lmao”

(I know, that made no sense to me either but he was wasted)

Me: “Lol! Having fun?”

Him: “Bout to…wish we could be in public”

Me: “I know, me too…it won’t be much longer and we can”

Him: “What you doing?”

Me: “Just laying in bed all alone”

Him: “I’m talking to (my ex boyfriend’s name) right now. No shit.”

Me: “Lol that’s weird

Him: “Yes”

Him: “Can you come get me? I’ll walk down the road”

Me: “You need a ride home?”

Him: “Yes, the guy I’m with is palling around with your roommate”

 

Well I decided I would go get him and bring him home, he called me and stayed on the phone with me while I drove downtown to pick him up. He’s pretty adorable when he’s drunk so I didn’t mind. I was more worried the ex would see me picking him up since he was at the same bar, but the Russian walked about 3 blocks down from the bar. When he got in my car he noticed I needed gas so as we drove he told to find a gas station and he’d put gas in my car. He jokingly kept touching my face talking about the last time I brought his drunk self home. When I found a gas station I reached for my purse but he grabbed my hand and gave me his card…right before he tried to playfully hit me with his wallet but actually hurt my nose a little. He felt super bad so he kept kissing me and rubbing my nose. After I finally got my car filled up we continued driving to get him food since he was hungry. His drunk ass also kept honking my horn and driving me crazy with that.

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When we got to his house we went inside and he ate while we watched tv and talked. He actually wanted me to stay the night but I just didn’t think it was a good idea, mainly because I’m trying to avoid getting kicked out for any reason before I move. But I stayed with him for a little, he held me while he slept for about an hour. When he walked me to my car, I got frisky and gave him a blowjob in his garage. Mainly because I knew he wasn’t expecting it and I felt like doing it. Well once he finished he finally let me go and I returned home. The….roommate was asleep and didn’t wake up when I got back. He didn’t ask me anything the next day nor did he mention seeing the Russian.

 

That day I spent with my friends out by the pool and we talked some but not as much. It was later in the day so I asked him what he was up to and this was his response:

Him: “I’m at my buddy’s. We cooked and will probably go see a movie…man date lol

(I had typed a response back but forgot to send it)

Him: I’d offer for you to come if it was 4 months from now lol

Him: “Or 2”

Me: “Lol it’s okay, I just saw I had a text written out but didn’t even send it”

Him: “What’d it say?”

Me: “Something about a bromance lol”

We chatted off and on that night, while he was in the movie we didn’t obviously. The next day I was out with some friends and we talked for a while. He asked me what I was doing that night and of course I didn’t have plans. So he asked if I wanted to come over again. Now, that’s three planned times we saw each other and one unplanned in one week. I’ve never seen him that much in one week.

 

I was a little tired when I got over there at first but we ate and talked like normal. At some point he asked me to help him with his back since it was bothering him. So I massaged it for him and then put ice packs on it then laid on top to help. After I did that for a little while we resumed sitting on the couch like normal. The movie wasn’t too interesting to me or him because he started getting frisky with me. One thing led to another and we went to his bed and fooled around for a little bit. Then of course we had sex. He had his normal condoms so we used one that time. Once we finished we both took a shower just to rinse off afterward. I put my clothes back on and we started another movie.

 

He had me pause it so he could go get more vodka for us. He came back and fixed a drink since mine was still okay. When I was ready for a second he told me I needed to learn how to make the drinks too. So I got up and started to make one, that’s when I noticed he had his phone pointed at me. I asked him what he was doing and he told me just taking pictures and I shouldn’t worry about it. I started laughing and told him to quit it. Well he continued until I was done fixing my drink.

 

Some point later I started to get turned on again so I began to suck his dick again. Only this time I realized he was taking pictures of me doing this. I started to get a little annoyed with him because he didn’t ask if he could and I’m not comfortable with that. I told him to put his phone down or else I’d have to bite him. He showed me some of the pictures he took while I’m still sucking on him, and he tells me, “Look how beautiful you are when you do that. And look at how hot you are in front of my fridge.” I just shake my head and continue what I’m doing. I tell him I want him to fuck me and at first he says he wants to come in my mouth and then fuck me. I was good with that so I kept on, then he asked if he could do both. I said of course.

 

So he picked me up and brought me to his bed. Now I was in my jean shorts from the other night so I started off on my knees in front of him. Then he yanked me up, bent me over the bed, pulled my thong and shorts to the side and proceeded to rub his dick against me until I was wetter. He then asked me if he could be inside me without a condom. I told him that was up to him and he proceeded to enter me without one. I must say, it was super hot to be fucked with my shorts still on. At some point I asked if he liked the way I felt and he then grabbed my hair to fuck me harder and he asked me what I thought.

 

He then pulled out of me and pushed me on my knees to suck his dick again. I did for a little bit then he laid me on my back, threw my legs up, shorts are still on and then he was inside me again. I could not get enough of that at all. After that he spun me around on the bed and had my head hanging off the bed and suck him again. Then, he made me stand up and he tried to fuck me standing up with my shorts on but they are too tight for that so he took them off me and kept me standing while he fucked me. Then he laid me back on the bed with my legs on his shoulders. I kept begging for him to fuck me and each time he would put his dick all the way in it would cause me to scream and pull back a little. Well, he eventually held me down so I could feel him all the way inside of me. And my god, did that feel good.

 

When he was ready to come I did ask him not to but I’m pretty greedy and couldn’t get enough orgasms that night. When he came he came on my boobs and stomach.

 

When we got dressed we resumed watching the movie, I thought he seemed a little distant at first but I leaned against him and he seemed fine. When it ended he said we would have to rewatch it one night since he distracted me this time. We joked around for a little bit and then I left close to 4 am. The ex woke up when I got home and questioned me some but not that much. I sent the Russian a text letting him know I made it back as I normally do:

Me: “I made it to the house old man lol”

Him: “Alright sucka”

Me: “Yeah yeah”

I haven’t heard from him since then, and that was a day ago so who knows. I think he’s always going back and forth in his mind with his feelings for me. Even after our serious discussions and the others we’ve had inbetween you would think he would be more open with me. I thought maybe we’d gotten past that but apparently we won’t for a while.

Sorry for the huge post! As you can tell so much has happened in the past few weeks, now that the company’s IT department will let me post again I will be able to keep up more.

Any thoughts or advice about this? Do you think the Russian is being more honest with me now? Or, could he just be continuing with his usual antics?

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