Just Don’t Know What to Do.

Why does it seem things always have to become so damn hard?

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When the Russian wanted me back, he made all these huge gestures and made big statements about love and us. Then it seemed around February it changed. I’m not sure if he got too comfortable, we moved too fast too soon, he is unsure or if I’m overthinking everything. After the holidays and my birthday things were just amazing. He told me he loved me on a regular basis, complimented me, talked to me and was always reassuring if I ever had questions or worries.

He finally had surgery for his back, that recovery time was hard because he basically lived with me for a month. I am so use to having my space at some point so we would bicker every now and then. I will say some of that could be blamed on me. He was always around and I was always having to cater to him, which in turn got to be exhausting because in my mind he should still be catering to me. Especially since I never did anything wrong.

When his house was finally finished he moved in and I became a little sad. In a sick way, as much as I wanted my own space I still wanted to see him and talk to him very day. So I became paranoid he’d go back to how he was before, and I’d never really see him. Then he’d just forget about me.

It just seems like lately we have been arguing so much more. I’m trying to change certain things or fix things, but it sometimes seems like it is not enough. He hasn’t told me he loves me in a month. Which I had finally brought up to him in an argument. Part of me wonders if I’m trying to push him away, or maybe he is trying to push me away. He doesn’t include me in as much anymore. He will say things like, “We don’t have to be so formal anymore.” Or, if he’s doing work at his business or home, instead of asking me to help he basically implies I should be a better girlfriend and just offer. But I never know what he’s doing. And previously, even when we weren’t officially dating, he would ask me to help and I always did.

He’s also starting to become controlling again. And mean. Very, very mean. He nitpicks on me for almost any and everything. The way I ask questions, give my opinion, drive, take care of my contacts, or whatever else he can think of he will tell me how I’m doing it wrong. What bothers me the most about that is he will now tell me, if I ask if he’s sure he wants this or me, is he tells me I’m being either insecure, needy or need to much reassurance and by me being that way pushes him away.

I just don’t know what to do at this point. Do I leave him and this relationship? Do I take a break? Do I give up all hope? I can’t stay in this weird limbo anymore and I certainly cannot bring it up to again or else I’ll get “in trouble” like a child.

We had a decent weekend together. Spent more time together from Thursday to last night than we have in almost two weeks. I’ll have to talk about that more later. I’m just so frustrated and confused. I have no one else I can really talk to about this anymore. My mom wants me to just leave him as she can’t stand him or the way he’s been treating me anymore. I’m somewhat mad at my best friend since she won’t be supportive or anything anymore even though I was there for her relationship problems. And we all know I can’t talk to him.

 

So what now?

Things Change, But Do They Change Forever?

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I wish I had posted my draft post I had been working on the weekend after Thanksgiving. Mainly because some serious shit went down and it has turned into this funny but amazing moment that I can’t wait to share with you all! So let me take you back to the week of Thanksgiving, about three weeks ago I believe. The Russian and I had seen each other a few times. We cooked at my house then he asked me the next day to help with stuff at his new house. Everything was fine and dandy really. He had been acting a lot more like a “boyfriend” and wanting to be around me. So things had kind of been getting better.

The night before Thanksgiving I spent with some friends and we went out. The next day was Thanksgiving and we kind of chit-chatted back and forth. That night he went shopping and picked up a movie for me all on his own. I was a little surprised but happy. I had been telling my close friends I planned on talking to him about where this was going and what this even was. Well, come Friday he never asked to see me or really seem to want to talk to me. I had gone to talk to my therapist that afternoon, I just started to see her, and she really hit home with me about a few things.

She actually had me read the old English poem, “The Spider and the Fly” while I was in my session. It really hit home with me in so many ways. Talking to her kind of made it clear to me the Russian was playing with me for his own benefit and that I needed to honestly end things with him. Well, late that night he ended up calling me asking if I would come pick him up from the bar. I was going to but he ended up driving to my house. We watched a movie, he passed out drunk on my couch and then when we went to my bed at around 5 am we had sex.

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Here is when things get rough. That morning, we fooled around a little then were lying in bed together. He was looking through his phone and I just so happened to see a particular girl’s name on his phone. The one who had been seeing him before me, and the same one he had been texting a few months ago. I instantly rolled away to put my panties back on, while doing so I let out a weird laugh and started to shake my head. He instantly was like, “She’s just a friend and I can text who I want. You shouldn’t be looking at my phone anyways.” I just nodded my head. He instantly changes the subject and starts to talk to me about his house. The last thing I even cared to hear about at that point. He then says he wants to show me some new stuff he put up in the house and I agree to go. Stupid me. While I was getting ready he let me dog out, but told me I had some packages outside. He brought them in of course. I knew what they were but didn’t open them.

As we are driving to his house he asks me what came in the mail. I just shrugged and said, “Nothing, stuff I have to send back.” He looked at me and asked me again what it was. I said the same thing so he says back, “Is it something you got for Christmas but now don’t want to give it to someone?” I nodded my head and just said, “Yep.” We get to his house and he’s showing me around and all that. He mentions something and then that’s when I basically lost it. After a long conversation, and him telling me again that he told me he had already said he didn’t have those feelings for me and that he didn’t believe I actually loved him cause I allowed him to keep seeing me I just went into full on bitch mode. I told him that the only reason I allowed him in my life after the first break up was because I am in love with him and want to be with him. But since he has told me this I no longer wanted him in my life and that our relationship was no longer beneficial to me. He did not like that. He then tried to say he wanted us to still be friends and I told him that would not be happening as he is now my official ex and I never speak to my exes.

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I also told him I would no longer be his “support system” and he could have one of his other girls do that for him. I also said I didn’t care about updates on his life, business or anything else. A lot more was said from me but it’s a lot. I finally stopped allowing him to back-peddle and put blame on me. Well, the funny part is we rode together so he had to bring me back to my house. That was a fun car ride. He kept asking me about my thoughts on his house, I finally busted out laughing and said, “Seriously? I don’t give two shits what you do. Ask someone else who cares.” He instantly got all upset and said he was sorry and maybe he was just an asshole, “You are an asshole, be honest with yourself,” was my response. We get to my house and he asks if I can give him a hug or if I was just going to leave. I gave him a half-assed hug then told him I needed my key back.

I jumped out of his car and never looked back. I immediately called my closest friends to let me know what happened and to get comfort from them. It was a rough few days. I had finals coming up and work was going to be hectic. Well, three days after that conversation he sends me a text, “Hey just wanted to say I’m still here if you need anything and good luck on your finals.” I never responded to that. And those that have followed this since the beginning know that I have never gone without responding to him. I held strong and continued doing schoolwork. After several days without real sleep I was exhausted and grumpy.

Come Saturday of that same week he sends me another text, “Thinkin about ya…hope you’re doing well :)” to which I never responded again. I had more school stuff to do and stayed focus. Well, come Monday he sends me another text while I was working out. “Miss my ace in the hole trim painter right now :/” I had never felt stronger before. Instead of thinking about missing him, I laughed and thought, I’m sure you do since I did so much shit for you willingly and without complaint.

The next night some friends of mine offered to take me out for dinner and drinks to celebrate finals being done. I hadn’t been out in a while like that so I got all dolled up. It was a great night, he didn’t cross my mind and I got roaring drunk. Which made work even more fun the next day. On Thursday I went to work and then worked out afterwards. I was doing stuff at my house when my FaceBook messenger went off. Well, after two weeks this is when I became weak:

Him: Not sure if you blocked my cell but I hope you’re doing okay :/

(I waited about 30 minutes)

Me: Didn’t block you. Been super busy with finals.

Him: How’d they go

Me: I’ll be finished tomorrow. Then I’ll know for sure.

Him: Well good luck! I’m sure it’ll turn out well. I feel so much better getting a response can’t even tell you

Me: Why do you feel better?

Him: I won’t get into it tonight before your final. I’ll let you study but I hope it goes well

Me: Okay

So the cynic in my mind is thinking he just wants to make sure I’ll answer so he can get the rest of his stuff from me or whatever. I don’t think much about it after that. The next day I’m at work starting my day when my phone goes off and who can it be? The Russian.

Him: Good luck! 🙂

Me: Thanks

Him: Will you let me know when you’re done with your final?

Me: It’s just a paper. I’ve already written it so I just have to edit it then submit.

Him: Oh cool

Him: I’m putting my last fixture together and the have to meet the inspector at 11. Can we talk after that?

Me: Um sure, what about?

Him: I’d rather tell you in person

Me: Is this something bad?

Him: I don’t think so. It could be bad for me but not you

Me: Bad for you? Is it gonna upset me or anything like that? If it’s something like that a call would be better to be honest.

Him: I really don’t think so

Me: Alright. Well where do you want to meet?

Him: I can drive over if that’s ok

Me: Okay, my lunch is 12 to 1.

Him: Oh you’re working today too?

Me: Yeah, I had to.

Him: Would you rather wait till you get off?

Me: I have an event to go to for work at 7 tonight.

Him: Ok well I’ll meet you at your house at 12?

So this all happens at around 10 that morning. My stomach was literally sick the rest of the morning. To be honest, I was expecting him to tell me he had met someone else and just wanted to be honest with me about it. Then get the rest of his stuff from my house. Well, he texts me a little before 12 to ask if he could pick me up food and I said yes.

I get to my house before him and that’s basically when everything changed.

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The End is the Beginning is the End

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I think this may be the hardest post I’ve had to right so far. The Russian and I have officially broken up. The weirdest part? I basically sensed that it was going to happen. The last few weeks just have not been good for us. I was doing things that he wanted and getting nothing in return. He basically stopped giving me any kind of affection besides sex. When he asked to come over last Thursday my sixth sense kicked in.

To basically sum it all up, he told me “I love you” for the first time in our relationship. But he followed it with “But I don’t know if I’m in love with you” which really stabbed that knife in a little deeper. We both sat on my couch crying while this happened. He talked a lot more than I did. I knew there was no point in me saying much because I couldn’t change his mind. He told me maybe he was making the biggest mistake of his life and maybe he’s damaged. He said nothing was wrong with me, I’m a wonderful girlfriend and we get along great, plus our physical chemistry was off the charts. I treat him amazing but still…nothing. Just like it was back in February.

In normal guy fashion he asked me if I was going to be okay. I told him that I was and am in love with him so I won’t be okay for a while but I will be eventually. We talked more but it was a slight blur to me. When he left I called my mom and closest friends to tell them. Oh, and cry uncontrollably. The whole weekend we didn’t speak to each other. Mainly because he asked me if I wanted us to be friends or him just completely disappear. I told him I couldn’t really think at that moment about it.

Sunday  morning he sent me a text saying, “Just wanted to say hi and hope your weekend was ok.” Then that afternoon he sent me a text asking if I was home. I still have a lot of his stuff here so I figured he wanted to get it. But he just asked for some specific thing. I told him I was home and if he wanted to get whatever that was fine. He came over. We kind of talked, I’ll give an overview. He asked about my weekend again, I said it was okay and my family came in. I asked about his and he said it was okay just really weird (considering we were together basically every single day for a year). He got what he needed and told me he would get the rest of it later unless I wanted him to now.

I knew I couldn’t handle him being in my home for much longer without crying I just told him he could get it later, that was fine with me. He gave me a hug. Then told me that maybe if we are both still single we can maybe have dinner or see a movie, he even was nice enough to say, “Nothing physical, not like that.” Which we all know is complete shit.

We had more small talk before he left and then he did. I crashed on my couch and bawled my eyes out. Knowing I’ve been demoted to something like that hurt even more because I’m still in love with him. Deeply so and it just broke my heart all over again.

Later that night he texted me after a show we use to watch together ended. We talked about it and then nothing.

Today, he told me he was going to be traveling out of state again for work. This is how that conversation went:

Him: “Back to ______ tomorrow”

Me: “That’s gonna be fun”

Him: “Wanna come?”

Me: “Lol I have to work”

Him: “lol”

Me: “I have to be at an event so I can’t work from home”

Him: “I wouldn’t have expected you to sacrifice a day for driving with me lol”

Me: “Lol uh huh”

Him: “Really didn’t think you would lol”

Me: “Lol I just cant, you picked a day I actually have to work”

I know what you all are going to say. I should have told him to just stop and leave me alone, that he was dragging me on and needed to leave it alone. I still have the old mind set that I want to do whatever he asks and drop everything for him. I know I shouldn’t, and I won’t anymore.

If someone could explain to me why, if you aren’t in love with someone but know they are, why keep doing this to them? If it was me, I wouldn’t be reaching out to him because I would realize how much it hurts him. It sucks not hearing from him but it reopens the wounds every time he reaches out to me. I haven’t thought about him since Sunday and then he texts me.

Now, I’m officially single and not quite sure what to even do with myself. I haven’t really “dated” or been single in over 5 years so what now? Also, I’m horrified that I may never have good sex again. Is that awful to think about? Ugh. I’m really sad and confused right now. Any advice would definitely be accepted right now.

Part of me wants him to just wake up and realize what he’s losing then do whatever it takes to win me back. But I know that more than likely won’t happen. And if it doesn’t, I just want him to leave me alone and let me move on. I already have had guys ask me on dates and all that, but I know I’m not ready for that because they would just be a rebound. Mainly because my heart isn’t ready for that again. I’m kind of in a “fuck love” type of mood now. I’m also aware that since my sex life is nothing now I’m going to be really aggravated which will make work even better.

Well, send me your positive thoughts as I go through a new journey now. Brightside?! I can blog as much as I want now! I have a brand new laptop and a whole lotta free time on my hands.

Really Need Some Help

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I know it’s been a long time since my last post and I’m sorry. Life has been hectic and a lot has been going on for me. But at this point in time I could really use some opinions and help. I’m still with the Russian and we’ve been doing the typical couple things, like taking trips together, spending basically every single day together and making decisions. I should probably start off by saying the past month has been hardest for the Russian and I. We’ve been arguing more with each other about little things and I know most of it is my fault. I made the biggest mistake and I shouldn’t have even thought about it. I went through his phone and I found something that I can’t let go of no matter what I try.

This happened after he got extremely drunk and had been pretty rude to me before he passed out. When he was completely out I decided to just look at his phone, not intending to even find anything but of course, I did. I happened to find this app called “Sbox” and it was password protected, it was the same password to get into his phone. When I put that in all my feelings changed. He still had a lot of the pictures I had sent him a while back, but he also had pictures of another girl he didn’t date but had pictures together on social media. She also has a boyfriend now. I know the pictures are old because some are before mine but the others are mixed with mine. I didn’t even know what to think or feel at that moment. I’m a pretty open person and porn doesn’t bother me, I would have much preferred him having looked at porn than keeping these photos.

It isn’t something I’ve brought up to him yet, mainly because I don’t know if I should or even how. Since seeing that it’s made it almost hard for me to have any trust in him anymore. I don’t know what to do because even he has noticed how I’ve been different. He picks up his phone to text or it goes off and my anxiety levels just go up. I now am just afraid maybe he’s cheating on me or doing something he shouldn’t. We got into a pretty big disagreement almost two weeks ago. I used the wrong word when describing our relationship and made him think I didn’t view this as a serious relationship. I had to apologize a million times to him and do all these things to make up for it. Which, I get I hurt his feelings and it wasn’t intentional at all but he never apologized for when he hurt me back at the beginning of the year. I even brought that up and it was like I should realize he was in a rough place and should just forget about it.

Now there’s like a wall between us. From his back pain and mood swings causing me to not feel wanted to now all this I don’t know what to do. I want to be with him and when we are our normal selves everything is perfect but I can’t help having these terrible feelings. I just need help with what to even do. So any opinions would be greatly appreciated. I can give more details if it’s necessary but I just had to get this little bit out first.

Feelings and What? Pt. One

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I have a lot on my mind from things that have happened in the almost two weeks that have passed. I’ve had a few people in my immediate family pass away rather unexpectedly so that has really shaken me up. On top of me having to deal with those emotions and grieving the Russian dropped a major bomb on me two Sundays ago.

It’s hard to explain what all happened because at the same time I wasn’t fully focused but knew this conversation needed to happen. Basically, the Russian told me he thinks by now his feelings should be deeper for me than they are (love I guess) and he’s concerned that they aren’t. Well after a long back and forth conversation that day we decided that we both needed to take a big step back on the sexual aspect of things and focus on just dating and knowing each other. Because of the way this relationship started we never actually “courted” or went on a lot of dates before the sex aspect happened. Granted, I was living with and dating someone else at the time and he was kind of seeing someone so it was a weird start.

Well after that conversation, I basically told him I feel really stupid for falling for him if those feelings aren’t returned, I went to my house and sobbed my eyes out. Not only for my lost grandfather but for the relationship I felt I was losing as well. The next day I would be going back to my parents’ home so I took that night to try and sleep. I had told myself I would not be messaging the Russian anymore and if he wanted to speak to me he could reach out.

Well reach out he did. At one a.m. that night my phone started to ring. I had only gone to sleep about an hour before that, having been up late talking to my best friend and crying. I was completely shocked but answered the phone.

Me: “Hello?”

Him: “Hey, what are you doing?”

Me: “Um, just laying in bed. You?”

Him: “Trying to play (game) but it isn’t working tonight.”

Me: “Oh, that stinks”

Him: “How are you? You okay?”

Me: “Um, I’m not good. But it’ll get better.”

Him: “I know, I’m sorry. Did you find out the arrangements?”

We started talking about what I would have to do for the visitation and funeral, also, me having to pick up family members and drive them home with me. That went back and forth for a little while. Then I got brave and a little mad.

Me: “Why are you calling me, Russian?”

Him: “Because I really care for you and wanted to check on you.”

Me: “No you don’t, after this afternoon you made it very clear you DON’T care about me.”

Him: “That’s fucking bullshit and you know it, (name). I told you that I do care and have feelings for you. I’m just not sure if the reason my feelings aren’t deeper is because of the way things started or just me getting off these meds.”

Him: “That’s why I want us to try this a different way, I don’t want to just throw everything away.”

Me: “Honestly, Russian, if you’re just wanting to try these things as a way to pity me or let me down easier just don’t. End things now because that’ll  be easier on me.”

Him: “Oh, so you’d be completely okay if things ended?”

Me: “No I wouldn’t just be okay with it, Russian. I told you I have fallen for you but how do you think it feels when that isn’t reciprocated? When the person I want to be with more than likely doesn’t want to be with me? I don’t even know what to think or do.”

One of us lost service and the call got caught off. He called me back and we resumed talking.

Him: “I know I haven’t been the most cheerful person in the world and we haven’t really been doing dates or anything but I would really like to take you out and do things like that.”

Me: “That’s what I want. I don’t mind staying in and doing dinner and a movie at one of our homes but I want to go out and do things. The only reason I haven’t pushed for it more is because of how you’ve been feeling lately.”

Him: “I know and I really appreciate that. We just now need to focus on something different and see if things grow from that.”

I just was saying “okay” at this point.

Me: “It really sucks knowing you aren’t going to be in my life anymore.”

Him: “When the hell did I say that? I just told you what I want to do.”

Me: “Actions speak louder than words and I just don’t think you’re going to follow through. I feel like you’re pitying me or something.”

Him: “I am not pitying you. You don’t need pity from anyone. You are a total package. 9.9999 out of 10 in looks alone, you’re gorgeous. Incredibly smart, independent, amazing personality and everything anyone could want.”

Me: “Yeah, everyone but you. Lotta good that does me.”

Him: “Just stop it. We are going to get this figured out okay?”

I say okay and then get quiet.

Him: “And I want to help you with what you’re going through right now. Anything I can do. Will you please let me help you?”

Me: “Okay”

Him: “What are you going to do with the pup?”

He was going to originally keep my dog for me while I dealt with family stuff but after everything Sunday I told him I wouldn’t need him to do that and I’d figure it out. I honestly just didn’t want to rely on him for that.

Me: “Um, I haven’t thought about it yet.”

Him: “Can I please keep her for you?”

Me: “I don’t know, is that a good idea?”

Him: “Why wouldn’t it be? I care for you. I care for (my dog). I care for your mom. I want to help and if this is the only way I can, then let me.”

Me: “Okay. If you don’t mind keeping her you can keep her for a few days.”

Him: “Thank you. I really appreciate it.”

We discussed the time I’d bring her to him the next day. We kept talking for a while after that. A lot of back and forth stuff. After about an hour we decided it was time to go to sleep. After we got off the phone he texted me to say he’d set an alarm and then called me “pretty girl” which he’s used as a nickname for me before.

The next day I’m basically a hot mess. I get up to shower and fix myself up for the day. When I brought my dog to him I honestly wasn’t sure what to expect or do. He met me outside and picked her up. He looked sad but gave me a hug and basically told me good luck with the next few days. We didn’t speak again until the next day. He asked me how things were going and we spoke for a little bit. I asked him if he’d mind keeping my dog another night, which he said he didn’t mind at all. He ended up keeping her for three nights and then I went to get her after work that Thursday.

I fixed myself up a little before seeing him, because, well I needed to look good and remind him what he’s missing. He had her at his mom’s house so I met him over there. He was outside walking her when I drove up. We stood outside and talked for a little bit. He asked  how my interview had gone. (I will be starting a new job too) We talked for a little bit and since it was cold I decided it was time to go. Well he had hugged me when I got there and then when I left he hugged me again but this time is was a harder hug and he did this grasp/scratch thing to my ribs he normally does. I didn’t really respond or hug back very hard, which isn’t like me but it benefited me later on.

To be continued….

And the Clock Keeps Ticking….

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Wow, it has been a while since I last blogged! With the craziness of the holidays, work and my birthday I think time just slipped away. Well, when we last discussed what was going on the Russian was still very random with his conversations with me. Well, the week of Christmas he spoke to me the most he has in well over a month. I unfortunately lost a close family friend over the holidays and he found out about and told me he was here for me if I needed him, which of course, I didn’t go to him for any kind of comforting. Then on Christmas day he sent me a “Merry Christmas!” text, which in response I just sent the same thing to him.

Well the next day I was off from work that afternoon and our conversation went like his:

Him: “Anyone at work today?”

Me: “I left at 12. It was literally a ghost town.”

Him: “I’m almost there.”

Me: “I went this morning and was bored out of my mind.”

Him: “I had 1 vacation day left so I figured two halves would be more bearable. I was going crazy Monday.”

Him: “Have you seen the Hobbit yet?”

Me: “I had a half day today and then I took tomorrow off.”

Me: “No I haven’t seen it yet.”

Him: “That’s right, you haven’t seen the first one huh?”

Me: “No, I think this on will be more interesting though. The other one put me to sleep.”

Him: “I’m shocked!”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “I loved the first one…and I thought you shared good movie judgment!”

Me: “I have excellent movie judgment! I guess I didn’t give it a fair chance and just fell asleep lol.”

Him: “That I can live with”

Me: “Oh I’m so relieved.”

Him: (He sends this like grumpy face emoji)

Me: (I send the sly face emoji)

Him: “Don’t give me that sly look.”

Me: “I believe I already did.”

Him: “You heard me”

Me: (I then sent my glare emoji)

Alright so that was our conversation Thursday. Now let me say in my own defense, I have an amazing taste in movies. My personal movie collection is vast and absolutely amazing. I had attempted to watch the Hobbit late one night and just all the brightness and cheerfulness of it kind of bored me a little bit. So I fell asleep. I know it probably gets better and that I’ll love it. I just wanted to clear that up!!

Well the next day he told me “Happy Birthday!!” and I just sent back a thank you text. I figured that would be that for the day. Well to my surprise it wasn’t.

Him: (He sends me this funny picture)

Me: “Hahaha that’s awesome”

Him: “Funny enough for a rare fb post lol”

Me: “Lol that’s true. Is that in town?”

Him: “Yeah ____”

Me: “Figures lol”

Him: “Reallllly funny!”

Me: “It’s pretty hilarious!”

Him: “Birthday plans?”

Me: “I haven’t really thought of anything big besides going somewhere to drink.”

Him: “We may try Sully’s and Stand.”

Me: “I haven’t been to Stand yet. Is it any good?”

Him: “Heard it was but I haven’t been inside”

Me: “I never go uptown anymore so I forget about those places.”

Him: “I’m tired of the usual places and smoke.”

Him: “_____ smoke blows”

Me: “Oh I refuse to go anywhere smoky, it’s just gross.”

Him: “Same for me”

Him: “Where do you go?”

Now at this point in the conversation I’m starting to get curious. Because we have discussed bars and hangout places early on when we were getting to know each other.

Me: “It’s been usually JJs but I got tired of it. And I cant be in smoky bars cause I’ve been sick.”

Me: “Otherwise I can kind of stand smoky places if they aren’t packed.”

Him: “Shitty choices we have”

Me: “Yep, the joys of a boring city.”

Him: “I haven’t been to that new Indian place yet.”

Me: “It’s pretty cool, the food kind of sucks.”

And that was the end of that conversation for the day. Well that night I went out for dinner and drinks with several of my friends. I had a pretty good time, lots of laughs and inappropriate jokes. The next day goes by and I go out to one of the places he mentioned he was going to the night before. I was a little weary of running into him. Especially since the boyfriend does kind of know him, not on a friend basis but just through other people. Thankfully, no run ins and the night goes on without any problems.

The next morning the boyfriend and I get up to go get breakfast. As soon as I sit down my phone goes off.

Him: “How was your bday? Where’d ya go?”

Me: “It was a good one. I just wanted to do dinner and drinks Friday, my best friend had to work the next do. And then last night I went to Sully’s.”

Him: “Sounds like a good weekend. My buddy and I went to _____ Friday night til about 10 then Stand, Sully’s and another bar. Last night I just watched the game.”

(Also, we apparently were at the same resturant Friday night. I’m not sure if he saw me or not but I didn’t see him there so he probably didn’t. Which is a shame because, not to be full of myself, but I looked smoking hot that night.)

Him: (He sends me a picture)

Me: I heard about that, didn’t a guy break something?”

Him: You didn’t see the pic I sent?”

Me: “I just did haha that looks pretty fucking painful.”

Him: “His foot is 90 degrees out of place”

Him: “Snap!”

Me: “I’m sure he immediately regretted that decision lol”

Him: “Uh yeah lol”

Me: “Lol I would like to have seen his face as that shit was happening”

Him: “He was screaming and it was flopping around”

Me: “Oh gross lol so apparently the do kick fairly hard”

Him: “We were all screaming lol it was pretty gnarly”

Me: “I would imagine so lol the idea of that makes me cringe”

And there you go people. That was about a day and a half ago, since then I haven’t heard from him. I’m not sure if he is just talking to me to be nice or if he is attempting to get back into my good graces again. In all honesty it is nice speaking to him because we had good conversations together and got on really well.

Oh and for those who have been following this saga and are wondering about my movies I still have not gotten those back, I mentioned this to my mum and she told me just to go buy some more. If you didn’t guess she is not his biggest fan at the moment.

Things with the boyfriend are exactly the same. He really upset me when I told him my family friend passed away I got pretty sad and almost started crying in public. He told me to just stop and have fun because he wasn’t ready to leave the bar yet. I finally put my foot down and said I wanted to go home that I couldn’t stay in public like this. Granted, he was kinder when we got home but just the fact he didn’t understand to just bring me home then really bothers me.

Truthfully, I know the reason I haven’t just left him is because I’m simply terrified of being alone. It is such a petty fear but it is very true. Who wants to be alone? Plus, I obviously have terrible judgment when it comes to men.

Since the holidays are finally over I can keep everything more up to date than I have been! Until then, take care and have a Happy New Year!!

An Endless Cycle…Apparently.

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I’m sorry I have neglected writing the past few days! Adult life can get so busy sometimes. Add in the fact I can’t really write when I’m home since this is a “secret” blog. Where I left off last time was waiting on the Russian to return my movies. That was a week ago. And as of today I still have not gotten them back from him. He still randomly will text me. He sent me a message about cupcakes last week, asking if I had brought some because they looked like some I’ve brought in the past.

The most recent conversation was Sunday. He has been building his house and doing the finishing touches on his bathroom, which he included my opinions in designing it. Douche. So he sent me a picture of the bathroom finished:

Me – “It looks really good finished.”

Him – “Thank you 🙂 I’m so glad to be done”

Him “That was a bitch of a project to do alone”

Me – “I would think so, seems like a pain in the ass.”

Him – “Very messy”

Me – “At least it is done now.”

Him – “Yep and saved about 1500-2000 doing it myself”

Me – “That’s good you saved that much”

Insert Gollum meme I sent him

Him – “LMAO”

Him – “I used a golem quote earlier”

Me – “That’s just nerdy.”

Him – “My buddy said ‘They is crazy’ and I said ‘yes precious, they is’ lol”

Me – “Lol nice”

 

And that was it for that conversation. Nothing about my movies, what he did or anything I’m not quite sure why he keeps this up. I recently told my best friend about this and said “You know, he hit it and quit it….so he needs to just quit it.” I still feel like this is true. He took time out of his life and mine pretending to care about getting to know me. I mean he literally told me all kinds of things about himself, his family, life, dreams and all this shit for nothing. That’s what bothers me the most because I really began to like him. And he would make a great friend to have but apparently I was wrong.

I try to keep the conversations kind of distant; I’m not going to through in my usual happy exclamation marks or emojis after all this. Even though I want to and I was so excited about his bathroom, I have to remind myself to keep my distance.

Well things with the boyfriend are on a seesaw it seems. One day things are good and then others I’m reminded of why I have the feelings I just want to leave. He can be so attentive at one moment and then another it is just like I’m in the background.

I feel so torn by what I’ve done and it is starting to eat away at me. My mom thinks I should wait till after the holidays to really tell him how I’ve been feeling and suggest moving out. She knows me well because she knows the main reason I didn’t really end things before is because I’m terrified of being alone. And the incident with the Russian doesn’t help me feel better about that. It’s not going to be a very happy holiday season for me with all this on my mind but I’m hoping it gets better.

I’m sure if I had my movies I’d be a little happier.

Where Has the Time Gone?

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Five years. Five long, sometimes happy, years is how long I’ve been with the boyfriend. We are your American dream couple. Young, college-educated, good looking (except in the mornings), we both have good jobs with steady incomes. We are both children of divorce and the only children as a result of our parents’ marriages. I have twin brothers from my mom and stepdad, he is a legitimate only child.

We met the usual college way, in a local bar through friends. My friends knew some of his and vice-versa. Insert your usual bar talk, likes and dislikes of the music, college plans, relationship status and all the fun stuff. I do remember asking if he was a psychopath because my last ex was one and I couldn’t deal with two in a row. Thankfully, he isn’t crazy.

Our relationship blossomed fairly nicely. We both had exes constantly trying to interfere with the new relationship which did cause us to have some fights. We moved in with each other fairly quickly. Actually, he moved in with me to be correct. We got a dog together about four months into the relationship. I know, I know we moved really fast with each other. I see that now.

As the relationship grew we started to not only love each other more but we learned things about each other. I am not a clean freak like my mom, if something needs to be done I’d do it but it wasn’t first on my list. He realized he does not like this about me. The main argument in our relationship is that factor. I will admit I have gotten much better at it and he knows but it will probably always be that way with me. I noticed fairly early that for a young man his age he isn’t very…sexual. It is usually me that initiates anything with him. Except lately. Since the Russian I just don’t feel right and I’ve pretty much used any and every excuse in the book to get out of it. Which is very odd for me because I LOOOOVEEE sex. Any way, any where and almost any how I enjoy it.

So let’s forward to year two, maybe three, in the relationship. New apartment, new jobs, he has just graduated from college and I’m still in school. I noticed he was getting much more protective over his phone. Now I’m not one to dig and go through people’s stuff without a reason to. And this pretty much screamed, “Do it!” I go through his phone and unfortunately, I strike gold. A girl he graduated with had been texting him some slightly inappropriate things. “I miss getting to hang out” things like that. I don’t mention it because I’m trying to think of a reasonable way to bring it up. The next day after we go out I check it again. Low and behold he sent a “I wish you could have been there last night” and I kind of lost it.

He found out I looked through his phone and attempted to say I was overreacting. So I said the usual, if I did it you would be pissed statement and he didn’t disagree. Well that really put a damper on the relationship at that point. I no longer trusted him and I was pretty pissed too. He is world renowned for shoving shit under the rug and pretending everything is fine. We have huge arguments and the next day he acts like it’s nothing and everything is all good.

So I say fast-forward six months. And we are at year four, maybe close to that. It had been a rough summer for year three. He was always going out, either bringing me with him or dropping me off at the house. I did and still do blame this on his particular single friend, Frank. Once Frank became single things really changed. All the boyfriend wanted to do was go out, drink and repeat all weekend long. I finally told him how miserable I was with this schedule and how I didn’t think I could anymore. I even told him, “If you want to be single that’s fine, I’m sick of this and I just need to know.” He did his usual I’m sorry dance, taking me out to dinner and paying attention to me. This usually lasts about two weeks. I did this dance for the rest of the year. Anytime I didn’t feel like staying out later or staying in he would tell me I wasn’t fun or I was acting like his mom. I slowly starting just doing whatever he wanted and not asking questions or complaining. Because if I complained, I would never hear the end of it. I think I had lost my will to fight at this point.

I graduated during year four and it didn’t seem like a big event for him. The night before my graduation he went out till about 3 am, got pretty drunk and came home. He was my ride to graduation that morning so he got up, took to graduation then went back home. He managed to change and get to graduation in time. No flowers or card for me after. He didn’t get a card till right before and wrote in it while I watched. He didn’t get me even a little gift because he didn’t think it could be better than my parents’ gift. I just accepted it and moved on. I didn’t make a big deal out of it.
I got to go on a trip out of town with my mom as a birthday gift and the night before he had people over till 2 am. Knowing I had to be up at 4:45 am to get ready to catch my flight. We didn’t even have goodbye sex. At this point I think we were at a month or so with no sex. I just left and he was fine with it. We barely spoke while I was gone, if I tried to call he wouldn’t answer or whatever. I return for my trip and have an interview for my current job. I get the job and am so excited over it. Did we have any celebration? Nope because Frank already had plans and that was what we were doing.

Go two months later, he goes on a weekend trip out of town with Frank and other guys. He barely talks to me during this trip. Which is fine I was busy and had shit to do. He comes back home later than night and of course we do nothing together just Hello and Good night. The next weekend we were supposed to go to my parents’ house and the night before we got in a fight while out. He brings me to the house and I thought we would both be going in. To my surprise, he is just dropping me off at 2 am so he can continue staying out because “I’m being horrible to be around and ruining his night.” I just say I’m sorry and okay and go into the house. He stays out till 6 am, comes home and goes to sleep on the couch without telling me he is even home. I get up and see he isn’t there so I go into the living room and just say, “You come home and don’t even tell me? I’ve been worried sick all night.”

He gets up to go help Frank with some stupid fucking thing and tells me he may or may not be going with me today. I get immediately upset by this, I call my best friend and tell her I really feel like this is the end of our relationship. I go by and see him at Frank’s before I leave and just tell him bye. I get to my parents’ house and just sink into a depression. He calls me and tells me he’s going out and he misses me and our dogs. I take an ambien and pass out.

The next day I stay with my mom till probably 6 or 7 pm that night. When I get to the house he is getting there at the same time. We eat and then I start the inevitable conversation about us. One thing leads to another and we say we probably should take a break and probably not live together anymore. Now you may wonder how a couple goes on a break all while living together. Let me tell you, it isn’t easy or fun. Plus, having to go to work the next day unable to control my crying and swollen, red eyes is just not professional. Thankfully, I was working with just women so they all understood and left me to just work in my office with little interruption except to check if I was still okay. The days went on terribly slow, me in one bedroom and him in the other. He had slowly started moving his clothes and bathroom stuff into the other room and bathroom. We barely talked and I became a clean freak. I spent the afternoon of the second day cleaning the walls and baseboards. Mainly to keep my mind occupied while he proceeded to hang out with Frank every, single night.

That weekend was the worst weekend for me. He went out every night, I had to deal with my first tire blowout and he left me on the side of the highway waiting for a tow truck and then he went out without coming home till the next afternoon.

Now, I have never been one to freak out and chase someone. If a person doesn’t want to speak to me I just deal with it and I won’t speak to that person. So the night he didn’t return home I barely got any sleep. I texted twice and called once. His phone was dead and I knew that. I had called my mom and was just a hot mess of emotions. I was in the process of packing a bag to go stay with them for a few days when he showed up. I just looked at him and said, “So you’re alive and okay?” and he of course was being all apologetic and I, once again, just took it no questions asked. Even though now I know better and should have been in a rage.

So we slowly get back together and things get better for a while. Then it just slowly regressed to how it has always been: barely any affection, no date nights, very little sex, etc. Insert the Russian a little later and then we are here. After our last fight about him doing the same thing that happened last summer he’s been more affectionate and trying more but I know it will have the same end result.
By the way, still no sex. I haven’t had any since the Russian last month. I’m an incredibly cranky young lady but I’m tired of initiating and either being turned down or not getting what I want.