Thoughts: Break Ups, Bad Job and Dating?


Every day sometimes feels like such a struggle for me. I’m three days away from exactly one month of not seeing the Russian, four days since I sent the letter. While I am focusing on bettering myself in different ways and trying to stay busy, I have moments that I let creep in and then I think of him. His voice, his touch, all the time spent with him and I get sad. How long until that goes away? I always have dreams that he pops into, almost every single night. I just want peace. And a part of me wants him to reach out to me. It’s been almost three weeks since we last spoke. I know I need to get over him and it, but it’s so hard. I do continue to workout five to six times a week, spend time with my pup and keep somewhat busy. But I have no fulfillment in anything.

I do not like my current job and am actively looking for a new one. Maybe if I actually liked my job it would be different and I’d be excited for each day. But when you get hired being told one thing and then everything is changed, you can’t stand your coworkers and even fake sick just so you don’t have to go in cannot be good signs. I want a job like I had when I was with the Russian, it had its moments but I loved that job. I was around so many people and made great friends. I miss the corporate world. This small business shit with less than 15 coworkers isn’t for me. Especially when I’m the youngest one here. And I also have no privacy or drive here, the work is way too slow and not challenging enough. But I needed to start having some money flowing in. Which is why I’m here but looking elsewhere.

I know I’m in a funk and I know I am also majorly sexually frustrated. I know I’m not ready to date but when I am, what are the best ways to date in a new city? Dating apps? Going for drinks? Do I go alone or with friends? I need some help.


Things Change, But Do They Change Forever?


I wish I had posted my draft post I had been working on the weekend after Thanksgiving. Mainly because some serious shit went down and it has turned into this funny but amazing moment that I can’t wait to share with you all! So let me take you back to the week of Thanksgiving, about three weeks ago I believe. The Russian and I had seen each other a few times. We cooked at my house then he asked me the next day to help with stuff at his new house. Everything was fine and dandy really. He had been acting a lot more like a “boyfriend” and wanting to be around me. So things had kind of been getting better.

The night before Thanksgiving I spent with some friends and we went out. The next day was Thanksgiving and we kind of chit-chatted back and forth. That night he went shopping and picked up a movie for me all on his own. I was a little surprised but happy. I had been telling my close friends I planned on talking to him about where this was going and what this even was. Well, come Friday he never asked to see me or really seem to want to talk to me. I had gone to talk to my therapist that afternoon, I just started to see her, and she really hit home with me about a few things.

She actually had me read the old English poem, “The Spider and the Fly” while I was in my session. It really hit home with me in so many ways. Talking to her kind of made it clear to me the Russian was playing with me for his own benefit and that I needed to honestly end things with him. Well, late that night he ended up calling me asking if I would come pick him up from the bar. I was going to but he ended up driving to my house. We watched a movie, he passed out drunk on my couch and then when we went to my bed at around 5 am we had sex.


Here is when things get rough. That morning, we fooled around a little then were lying in bed together. He was looking through his phone and I just so happened to see a particular girl’s name on his phone. The one who had been seeing him before me, and the same one he had been texting a few months ago. I instantly rolled away to put my panties back on, while doing so I let out a weird laugh and started to shake my head. He instantly was like, “She’s just a friend and I can text who I want. You shouldn’t be looking at my phone anyways.” I just nodded my head. He instantly changes the subject and starts to talk to me about his house. The last thing I even cared to hear about at that point. He then says he wants to show me some new stuff he put up in the house and I agree to go. Stupid me. While I was getting ready he let me dog out, but told me I had some packages outside. He brought them in of course. I knew what they were but didn’t open them.

As we are driving to his house he asks me what came in the mail. I just shrugged and said, “Nothing, stuff I have to send back.” He looked at me and asked me again what it was. I said the same thing so he says back, “Is it something you got for Christmas but now don’t want to give it to someone?” I nodded my head and just said, “Yep.” We get to his house and he’s showing me around and all that. He mentions something and then that’s when I basically lost it. After a long conversation, and him telling me again that he told me he had already said he didn’t have those feelings for me and that he didn’t believe I actually loved him cause I allowed him to keep seeing me I just went into full on bitch mode. I told him that the only reason I allowed him in my life after the first break up was because I am in love with him and want to be with him. But since he has told me this I no longer wanted him in my life and that our relationship was no longer beneficial to me. He did not like that. He then tried to say he wanted us to still be friends and I told him that would not be happening as he is now my official ex and I never speak to my exes.



I also told him I would no longer be his “support system” and he could have one of his other girls do that for him. I also said I didn’t care about updates on his life, business or anything else. A lot more was said from me but it’s a lot. I finally stopped allowing him to back-peddle and put blame on me. Well, the funny part is we rode together so he had to bring me back to my house. That was a fun car ride. He kept asking me about my thoughts on his house, I finally busted out laughing and said, “Seriously? I don’t give two shits what you do. Ask someone else who cares.” He instantly got all upset and said he was sorry and maybe he was just an asshole, “You are an asshole, be honest with yourself,” was my response. We get to my house and he asks if I can give him a hug or if I was just going to leave. I gave him a half-assed hug then told him I needed my key back.

I jumped out of his car and never looked back. I immediately called my closest friends to let me know what happened and to get comfort from them. It was a rough few days. I had finals coming up and work was going to be hectic. Well, three days after that conversation he sends me a text, “Hey just wanted to say I’m still here if you need anything and good luck on your finals.” I never responded to that. And those that have followed this since the beginning know that I have never gone without responding to him. I held strong and continued doing schoolwork. After several days without real sleep I was exhausted and grumpy.

Come Saturday of that same week he sends me another text, “Thinkin about ya…hope you’re doing well :)” to which I never responded again. I had more school stuff to do and stayed focus. Well, come Monday he sends me another text while I was working out. “Miss my ace in the hole trim painter right now :/” I had never felt stronger before. Instead of thinking about missing him, I laughed and thought, I’m sure you do since I did so much shit for you willingly and without complaint.

The next night some friends of mine offered to take me out for dinner and drinks to celebrate finals being done. I hadn’t been out in a while like that so I got all dolled up. It was a great night, he didn’t cross my mind and I got roaring drunk. Which made work even more fun the next day. On Thursday I went to work and then worked out afterwards. I was doing stuff at my house when my FaceBook messenger went off. Well, after two weeks this is when I became weak:

Him: Not sure if you blocked my cell but I hope you’re doing okay :/

(I waited about 30 minutes)

Me: Didn’t block you. Been super busy with finals.

Him: How’d they go

Me: I’ll be finished tomorrow. Then I’ll know for sure.

Him: Well good luck! I’m sure it’ll turn out well. I feel so much better getting a response can’t even tell you

Me: Why do you feel better?

Him: I won’t get into it tonight before your final. I’ll let you study but I hope it goes well

Me: Okay

So the cynic in my mind is thinking he just wants to make sure I’ll answer so he can get the rest of his stuff from me or whatever. I don’t think much about it after that. The next day I’m at work starting my day when my phone goes off and who can it be? The Russian.

Him: Good luck! 🙂

Me: Thanks

Him: Will you let me know when you’re done with your final?

Me: It’s just a paper. I’ve already written it so I just have to edit it then submit.

Him: Oh cool

Him: I’m putting my last fixture together and the have to meet the inspector at 11. Can we talk after that?

Me: Um sure, what about?

Him: I’d rather tell you in person

Me: Is this something bad?

Him: I don’t think so. It could be bad for me but not you

Me: Bad for you? Is it gonna upset me or anything like that? If it’s something like that a call would be better to be honest.

Him: I really don’t think so

Me: Alright. Well where do you want to meet?

Him: I can drive over if that’s ok

Me: Okay, my lunch is 12 to 1.

Him: Oh you’re working today too?

Me: Yeah, I had to.

Him: Would you rather wait till you get off?

Me: I have an event to go to for work at 7 tonight.

Him: Ok well I’ll meet you at your house at 12?

So this all happens at around 10 that morning. My stomach was literally sick the rest of the morning. To be honest, I was expecting him to tell me he had met someone else and just wanted to be honest with me about it. Then get the rest of his stuff from my house. Well, he texts me a little before 12 to ask if he could pick me up food and I said yes.

I get to my house before him and that’s basically when everything changed.


A New, and Sweeter Journey

I’m not sure if anyone wants to know recent updates with my life. But I need to get this out one way or another, so enjoy!

Are the Russian and I still broken up? Yes. Have we still been seeing each other fairly regularly and pretending things are okay? Yes. Will this be continuing anymore? Fuck no. Why, you may ask? Because it has been made abundantly clear to me that the Russian has just been using me and taking advantage of my feelings for him. Now, does he realize that we won’t be continuing things? Of course not. I’m done. Done with the endless feelings of heartbreak, embarrassment, worthlessness and just unwanted. He is so kind and caring when he needs me in his life, but gives me NOTHING. So, I’m done. Easier said than done of course, but I’m trying. Seriously trying.

I cannot bear the idea of dating another guy/man child who can’t be honest with me on what he wants or whatever. And also expect me to spend more time, effort and money on them with nothing to show for it. So I’m trying things a little differently at this point. This is going to make my blog much more interesting from here on out I believe.

I do want to ask, how do you make that final step to remove someone from your life permanently? The issue with me doing that to the Russian is that I know he will show up to my house wanting serious answers as to why I won’t speak to him. I can’t necessarily give him an answer without revealing my sources. But let’s just say that when he tells me one thing, that is obviously not what he means and not what he’s telling other girls. I just can’t believe I was this stupid for the past almost three months after we ended things. I thought he genuinely wanted to work things out, and see if we could really be together. Now I just realize he is in fact just a player who doesn’t want commitment because he will never be able to commit. It completely broke my heart when these things were presented to me. Basically broke me as a person for a little while. I no longer truly believe in love, which may make my dating style much more enjoyable. I’m hoping to have him fully cut out of my life by next week. I’m making baby steps in my very own, disappearing act, to treat him to. It’s about time he experienced one after all the ones I dealt with. Do I sound bitter?

Amazing sex aside, it isn’t worth it anymore. Small moments of affection and false sense of hope can’t keep me content anymore. I’ve been back to my serious workout routine and I’m back in great shape. He has noticed and makes sure to mention it to me. But that is no longer for his benefit. I’ve never been really “single” before so I’m excited for this new journey and I hope you’re ready to read all about it!

Going Forward in Many Ways Pt. 1

The past two weekends were actually a very good one if I do say so myself. Which was a surprise to me considering how my Russian was acting a few weeks back. Two Fridays ago during the day the Russian asked me what I wanted to do that night. I took it as maybe he wanted to do something different so I suggested a date night. Well he was accepting but then with certain time limitations we decided a date night would have to wait but we could just cook at my place and hang out. I had just finished getting myself put together when he got to my house. He then informed me we had been invited to Fred’s house to drink and just hang out. I had to change since my inside clothes would not have allowed me to survive in the coldness outside.

We picked up our own drinks and headed to Fred’s house. We were there for just a few hours, we had already agreed to just stay for a little while. Neither one of us wanted to run the risk of drinking too much and driving even though I had already been nominated for DD if we stayed late. When we left we picked up some food and went back to my house. That night we drank, watched movies and just had a pretty fun time together. He was talkative about different things and as it got later we both decided it was time for bed. He’s starting to cuddle with me more at night now which is really nice. That night he actually cuddled me and stayed more on my side than his. He was pretty playful with me before bed. Before I took my pants off he proceeded to smack my ass and then he took his belt off. He playfully spanked me with it and I responded with, “Don’t tease a girl with a good time.” Well he really started to spank me with it, then after I had taken my jeans off he actually spanked me with it. Uh, ouch but hot.

The next morning he woke up very early and then woke me up by placing my hand on his dick. Needless to say he got a BJ and then we went back to sleep. At some point he switched ends of the bed but was still lying next to me, I woke up and start scratching his legs and feet to fall back asleep. Well, he was still completely naked under the covers and he let me know it. I started giving him another BJ and then he asked me to get us a condom. We had sex, of course I was on top again, but he was more involved and attentive. I managed to actually have a few orgasms before he came. Afterwards we both showered and got dressed. I was expecting him to leave since he had his guys’ night later. Surprisingly he wanted to stay. So I made us lunch and he stayed till almost 7 p.m., we watched Hulu the entire time and cuddled on the couch. We didn’t even do anything sexual, just laid on the couch holding each other and talking.

The next day was the BBQ and so I got up Sunday morning to start making brownies. I was a little nervous I guess that the Russian would cancel on me, especially the last time he drank with this friend he had a very long hangover. But surprisingly he texted me to make sure I was up and then he came over. We got everything together and went to the BBQ. It actually was really fun, the man my Russian is friends with is actually a genuinely really nice guy. He made me feel really welcomed and was a great host. His family that was there were all nice and we had a pretty fun afternoon. We left after a few hours and went to the Russians. I helped him rearrange his furniture, clean and other things. I had offered earlier in the week to upload my Hulu account on his Xbox if he wanted me to (he already has my Netflix) so he asked if I would do that while I was there. I did and we started a new show he’s been addicted to that I really like too. He fixed us some ice cream and we just vegged out for a few hours. We fooled around for a little bit, I honestly wasn’t in the mood to give him a BJ because I was just tired from moving things. I ended up giving one but I wouldn’t fully deep throat him like he loves. Well, I actually wanted him to beg for it because I was just feeling sassy.

He ended up literally begging for it and he knew that’s what I wanted. Afterwards we laid on the couch for a while and then I headed home. I actually brought up the lack of foreplay on my part during one of our hangouts this week. It benefited me later on actually, which was really nice.

Tuesday he came over and we actually cooked together for the first time. We talked the entire time and it was funny watching him cook since he has openly admitted to never cooking before. It was a good meal and afterwards he did the dishes while I picked up the kitchen. I was so surprised he actually offered to hand wash the dishes. When my ex and I cooked he would never help with the dishes. He’d halfway help me cook and then dump everything in the sink for me. Another great reason I’m glad I left that man-child.

We started watching our show again after eating and I guess the Russian thought something was wrong with me. I was just being quiet and to myself which I’m sure threw him off. He kept asking what was wrong and why I was quiet and not fidgeting with him. I tend to fidget with my hand a lot so I’m always either scratching him or massaging him to not pick on my hair or hands. So he basically put himself all over me so I would fidget with him and he was doing some pretty cute things to get me to fidget. He’d lean back against me and rub his face against mine like and cat then say, “Are you gonna make me beg just for you to fidget?!” I gave in and he seemed relieved. We actually had a rare singing night. Somehow we just started listening to music and he began to sing for me. I don’t really think I have a good voice, I can harmonize really well but it’s just not my thing. Well he was really getting into it but also trying to teach me to sing higher and louder. Surprisingly, he liked me voice and thought it was really good. After a few hours of this we finally went to bed.

After joking around with each other in my bathroom, meaning he peed while I was in there and then wouldn’t leave until I went to the bathroom. Which was weird for me because I’m just an oddball. He slept on my side of the bed that night and we cuddled together the entire night. The next morning I tried to get up for work but he pulled me down to him and held me for a while longer. Then things got frisky, and in the end he got an extremely long blow job. That day was my weekly girls’ night so we did talk during the day and then that night we stopped. I figured it was because of that, he did send me a funny video on FaceBook later that night.

The next day he asked how the night went and all that. He did actually manage to ask me early in the day if I wanted dinner with him. We had a nice meal and then watched a movie at my house. We’re actually starting to watch some old gangster movies, since he hasn’t ever really watched them and bought this giant collection. During the movie he actually was extremely affectionate with me and we didn’t even drink that night. At some point he rearranged himself and pushed me to sit up so he could massage my back. After he did that for a while he leaned me back against him and just held me like that for a long time. Then eventually he was lying across my lap so I could rub his back for him. He’d keep asking for me to kiss on him or just to touch him. It was definitely odd for me to have him act this way. He also asked how we would be able to watch our favorite show when it comes back on, Game of Thrones, then suggested one of us get HBO again and we just split the cost. I was a little surprised just because this is somewhat of future planning but I agreed to it. He had decided to leave after the movie had ended but it was still fairly early. I was a little annoyed and disappointed with him, but it made sense and I got over it later. He did actually remember to let me know he was home but he knew I was annoyed so we didn’t talk any further.

Onto this past weekend….

Feelings and What? Pt. One


I have a lot on my mind from things that have happened in the almost two weeks that have passed. I’ve had a few people in my immediate family pass away rather unexpectedly so that has really shaken me up. On top of me having to deal with those emotions and grieving the Russian dropped a major bomb on me two Sundays ago.

It’s hard to explain what all happened because at the same time I wasn’t fully focused but knew this conversation needed to happen. Basically, the Russian told me he thinks by now his feelings should be deeper for me than they are (love I guess) and he’s concerned that they aren’t. Well after a long back and forth conversation that day we decided that we both needed to take a big step back on the sexual aspect of things and focus on just dating and knowing each other. Because of the way this relationship started we never actually “courted” or went on a lot of dates before the sex aspect happened. Granted, I was living with and dating someone else at the time and he was kind of seeing someone so it was a weird start.

Well after that conversation, I basically told him I feel really stupid for falling for him if those feelings aren’t returned, I went to my house and sobbed my eyes out. Not only for my lost grandfather but for the relationship I felt I was losing as well. The next day I would be going back to my parents’ home so I took that night to try and sleep. I had told myself I would not be messaging the Russian anymore and if he wanted to speak to me he could reach out.

Well reach out he did. At one a.m. that night my phone started to ring. I had only gone to sleep about an hour before that, having been up late talking to my best friend and crying. I was completely shocked but answered the phone.

Me: “Hello?”

Him: “Hey, what are you doing?”

Me: “Um, just laying in bed. You?”

Him: “Trying to play (game) but it isn’t working tonight.”

Me: “Oh, that stinks”

Him: “How are you? You okay?”

Me: “Um, I’m not good. But it’ll get better.”

Him: “I know, I’m sorry. Did you find out the arrangements?”

We started talking about what I would have to do for the visitation and funeral, also, me having to pick up family members and drive them home with me. That went back and forth for a little while. Then I got brave and a little mad.

Me: “Why are you calling me, Russian?”

Him: “Because I really care for you and wanted to check on you.”

Me: “No you don’t, after this afternoon you made it very clear you DON’T care about me.”

Him: “That’s fucking bullshit and you know it, (name). I told you that I do care and have feelings for you. I’m just not sure if the reason my feelings aren’t deeper is because of the way things started or just me getting off these meds.”

Him: “That’s why I want us to try this a different way, I don’t want to just throw everything away.”

Me: “Honestly, Russian, if you’re just wanting to try these things as a way to pity me or let me down easier just don’t. End things now because that’ll  be easier on me.”

Him: “Oh, so you’d be completely okay if things ended?”

Me: “No I wouldn’t just be okay with it, Russian. I told you I have fallen for you but how do you think it feels when that isn’t reciprocated? When the person I want to be with more than likely doesn’t want to be with me? I don’t even know what to think or do.”

One of us lost service and the call got caught off. He called me back and we resumed talking.

Him: “I know I haven’t been the most cheerful person in the world and we haven’t really been doing dates or anything but I would really like to take you out and do things like that.”

Me: “That’s what I want. I don’t mind staying in and doing dinner and a movie at one of our homes but I want to go out and do things. The only reason I haven’t pushed for it more is because of how you’ve been feeling lately.”

Him: “I know and I really appreciate that. We just now need to focus on something different and see if things grow from that.”

I just was saying “okay” at this point.

Me: “It really sucks knowing you aren’t going to be in my life anymore.”

Him: “When the hell did I say that? I just told you what I want to do.”

Me: “Actions speak louder than words and I just don’t think you’re going to follow through. I feel like you’re pitying me or something.”

Him: “I am not pitying you. You don’t need pity from anyone. You are a total package. 9.9999 out of 10 in looks alone, you’re gorgeous. Incredibly smart, independent, amazing personality and everything anyone could want.”

Me: “Yeah, everyone but you. Lotta good that does me.”

Him: “Just stop it. We are going to get this figured out okay?”

I say okay and then get quiet.

Him: “And I want to help you with what you’re going through right now. Anything I can do. Will you please let me help you?”

Me: “Okay”

Him: “What are you going to do with the pup?”

He was going to originally keep my dog for me while I dealt with family stuff but after everything Sunday I told him I wouldn’t need him to do that and I’d figure it out. I honestly just didn’t want to rely on him for that.

Me: “Um, I haven’t thought about it yet.”

Him: “Can I please keep her for you?”

Me: “I don’t know, is that a good idea?”

Him: “Why wouldn’t it be? I care for you. I care for (my dog). I care for your mom. I want to help and if this is the only way I can, then let me.”

Me: “Okay. If you don’t mind keeping her you can keep her for a few days.”

Him: “Thank you. I really appreciate it.”

We discussed the time I’d bring her to him the next day. We kept talking for a while after that. A lot of back and forth stuff. After about an hour we decided it was time to go to sleep. After we got off the phone he texted me to say he’d set an alarm and then called me “pretty girl” which he’s used as a nickname for me before.

The next day I’m basically a hot mess. I get up to shower and fix myself up for the day. When I brought my dog to him I honestly wasn’t sure what to expect or do. He met me outside and picked her up. He looked sad but gave me a hug and basically told me good luck with the next few days. We didn’t speak again until the next day. He asked me how things were going and we spoke for a little bit. I asked him if he’d mind keeping my dog another night, which he said he didn’t mind at all. He ended up keeping her for three nights and then I went to get her after work that Thursday.

I fixed myself up a little before seeing him, because, well I needed to look good and remind him what he’s missing. He had her at his mom’s house so I met him over there. He was outside walking her when I drove up. We stood outside and talked for a little bit. He asked  how my interview had gone. (I will be starting a new job too) We talked for a little bit and since it was cold I decided it was time to go. Well he had hugged me when I got there and then when I left he hugged me again but this time is was a harder hug and he did this grasp/scratch thing to my ribs he normally does. I didn’t really respond or hug back very hard, which isn’t like me but it benefited me later on.

To be continued….

I’m Here For You

I meant to post this before my previous “You are mine” posts. This may help in explaining a few things if anyone found themselves confused!


Things have taken some unexpected turns since my last post. I should resist the urge to write when I’m on my period because those emotions tend to be all over the place.

Well, the last time I posted the Russian and I had decided to slow things down sexually. Which I can agree with (some) because as we try to form a relationship we need to focus on other things besides amazing sex. That week we didn’t have sex at all. He was going out of town from Friday to Sunday so I really only saw him two days. I did spend the night with him each night and every morning we fooled around. I pretty much have his “move” figured out in the mornings. Alarms go off, he rolls me over and we cuddle for a while, then he proceeds to roll me on top of him to hold me and then fun finally begins. Like clockwork people. So Wednesday and Friday morning this same routine happened, he got a BJ and I got, well, revved up and then nothing. Bummer to say the least.

While he was out of town we spoke pretty much the entire weekend, which was really nice considering he was with guys all weekend playing video games. When he got back that Sunday of course he asked to see me, so I went over and we just talked about a bunch of random stuff. That next week was very intense and kind of thought provoking.

We didn’t really talk much Monday with him working long hours and then on Mondays he has his “guy night” to play Halo or other games.  Tuesday we talked here and there, then of course had our usual night together. We attempted to watch a movie but we ended up having one of our typical deep talks. I have been dealing with issues at my job with a coworker basically bullying me. So I vented to him about it and we discussed ways I can work on looking on the more positive side of things.

I mentioned to him that my best friend was dealing with a situation with her ex boyfriend. He was going through his own type of depression and dealing with a lot. He’s the same age as my Russian. I told him that he told my friend he didn’t see himself with her in 10 years and wasn’t sure because he knew he should be falling in love with her but didn’t feel that way. She of course left him because she does love him but didn’t want to stay like that. I told him now her ex is trying to slowly make his way back into her life in usual fashion: nice gestures, reminding her of old memories, offering support, etc.

He told me that maybe the depression he was going through was clouding his feelings and when she wasn’t super understanding of him during this time caused him to want to pull away. He then mentioned how I have been handling his emotional issues/depression very well. Which I told him of course I was, I knew what he was going through since he told me and I can appreciate it more in order to be there for him but not be overbearing or take things too personal.

It was really nice that night because he was so affectionate for the first time in a long time. We actually made out like a couple of teenagers. Just kissing and touching each other. He would make me lay on top of him and just cuddle. When we got in bed we continued fooling around and this led to me giving a pretty good BJ. I stayed the night with him and just cuddled with him the rest of the night. That next morning he woke me up (since he has to be up earlier than me) and we proceeded to fool around a little. He pulled me on top of him (like always) and we proceeded to basically grind against each other. We were just in our undies so he proceeded to tease me and lightly spank my pussy. At one point I’m grinding against him getting close to an orgasm but I stop. We hadn’t had sex still in two weeks at this point but I wasn’t going to ask for it. Well, after I stopped myself from finishing he whispers in my ear, “Go ahead and get one.” Well, I took that as get me an orgasm so I continued what I was doing until I did. Turns out, he meant get a condom. Duh. Well, he didn’t mind what I did and actually called it hot. After mine of course he asked if I could help him with his and I then proceeded to give him another BJ. This one was a little bit rougher which was extremely sexy. I like knowing how much he wants me and how much of an affect I can have on him. Afterwards we did cuddle for a few minutes and then he got up to get ready for work.

We both went onto work as normal. Well the next day he basically had some major revelation about where his life was going and what he wanted with his life. He basically had a breakdown I think.

He sent me an urgent text about it and then called me when I got off work. He told me he was going to talk to someone he views as a mentor and wanted to know if he could come by after he left that man’s house. I told him I would be home and he could come over if he wanted.

Well I clean up around the house some, take a shower and think maybe he calmed down so he won’t be coming by. Well, of course he calls me and asks if I’ve eaten yet. I tell him no and wherever he wants to stop is fine with me. I can tell in his voice he’s really upset and probably on the verge of crying. He tells me he can’t really think clearly so I tell him where to go, what to get and tell him to just get to my house. When he pulls up and walks to my door I go to let him in and his face just broke my heart.

He looked completely exhausted, broken and sad all at one time. When he walked in the door he set the food on my kitchen table and then turned to me for a hug. I wrapped my arms around him and let him just lean into me. We just stood there and held each other for a long time, I knew that’s what he really needed and didn’t break the hug until he did. So we just sat at my kitchen table and talked about everything he was going through about his career choice. I won’t go into heavy detail but we spent a good five hours just talking.

He recently had started just laying his head in my lap so he could fully relax and let me comfort him basically. The first time he did it was that night on my kitchen floor. Long story short but after we ate for some reason he just sat on my kitchen floor and I sat in front of him. After a while he ended up just putting his head in my lap and laying there. When we moved to my couch we just continued talking and intermittently he would lay down with his head in my lap.


As it got later he went back to his house, we didn’t make a lot of progress but it did him good just to be able to talk and think out loud to me, then listen to my thoughts on what he should do. He ended up taking that next day off to speak with his family and close friends about what he was thinking, as well as keeping me informed of things. That night he asked me to come over again to just really look at the details of what he wanted to do and just be there for support. Which is what I’m best at and exactly what I did for him during the time I was there. That night we drank rather heavily once we finished looking over things and just enjoyed being near each other. Of course, he did lay in my lap a few times which basically makes me melt every time he does it. I stayed the night with him and helped him prepare for his day ahead.

As the day progressed he kept me updated on how things were going and what he was doing. That night of course he asked if I wanted to see him and it was one of the sweeter ways he’s done that.

Him: “We hanging out tonight?”

Me: “I would like to if you’re cool with it”

Him: “I would love to”

That right there instantly made me smile. So that night he came over to my house and we talked for a little bit on how his day went and then we left to get some food. After we got back and ate dinner he offered to help me rearrange my furniture. After spending an hour doing so we finally got it the way I wanted it so we settled in to watch a movie and drink even more. We talk during the movie, as usual, and don’t even finish it before we fall asleep on the couch together. I wake up before him and drag him to my bed so we can actually sleep comfortably.

That morning we wake up and get pretty frisky with each other. I stopped expecting sex and hadn’t brought it up since the conversation we had a few weeks ago. Well that morning while I was giving him head and practicing a new technique I read about he pulled me  up to him and asked if I wanted him inside me. I instantly closed my eyes and had to control a moan that crept up into my throat. I shook my head slightly letting him know that yes I did. He asked me to go get one of the condoms from my bathroom, which I happily obliged doing.

It had been over two weeks since we last had sex and I was slightly nervous about how this was going to happen. It was pretty amazing, even though I was slightly out of practice and my stamina was down a little. I was on top the majority of the time of course, but we did change positions several times. That man drives me crazy in bed. After many orgasms he finally asked me if he could have his turn to orgasm and I told him he could. He did and afterward we just laid in bed together. Normally, as you all know, he would jump up to shower and all that. This time he just put my head on his chest and held me.


After a short nap, not even 15 minutes, he asked if I would give him a BJ. I was so shocked but happy to do it. I gave him one and it wasn’t as long as the normal ones of course, but it was still fun. He laid in my bed for a while since I was showering to get ready for the day. When I finished he asked if I had any food and I said “We have the leftovers from last night and I have a few things I can do for breakfast.” He playfully told me, “Then make me some damn breakfast woman!” So while he showered I scrambled a few eggs, seared some of the leftover steak and fixed up the rest of everything. We ate breakfast together and then he did some exercises for his back while I watched.

We actually spent the entire weekend together, just like old times. That Saturday we just played around at my house and had lunch together. Then we just watched Christmas movies while cuddling on my couch for a few hours until we got hungry again. He took me to go get some lunch at one of our favorite places. On the drive back to my house he asks me if I’d like to go to church with him tomorrow. I was a little surprised, because he has mentioned taking me before but never actually upfront asked me. I told him I would really like that and would go with him. He tells me I should just pack up what I want to wear for tomorrow and I can just stay with him that night. Well we do just that. I pack an overnight bag, he picks up my dog and we head to his house. We run inside a local grocery store to pick up a few snacks, a new movie and of course some alcohol. That night we just spent together watching the movie and drinking. He was so tired from everything that had been happening he literally passed out while I played with his hair. He eventually laid down and put his head in my lap. I finished the movie and then we went to sleep.

We woke up and got ready to go to church together for the first time. Once we were both ready we took his vehicle and headed that way. I met a few of his family members there and it was a nice service that Sunday. Afterwards we get lunch together and go back to his house. After changing we lay down to take a nap and I actually do try to sleep since I am tired. He does too but he cuddles me more and we get playful eventually with each other and that led to some pretty great sex. Afterwards a little later he drove me home and helped me unload everything and my dog into my house. We said our goodbyes and it was really sweet. We hadn’t spent a weekend together like that in a while. And since it was before the holidays I was sure it wouldn’t happen quite like that for a little while. But he did still manage to surprise me later on in this month.


You Are Mine Part Two


Later that weekend he took me to a Christmas party that his dad was hosting. I have met his dad a few times previously so that made things easier in breaking the ice with the family. It was actually a fun night and I was really happy he finally brought me around some of his family.

That next week was of course the week of Christmas. I spent Sunday and Monday at his house. He spent Tuesday with me and then I stayed with him Christmas night and then Saturday night. Tuesday was a very interesting one to say the least. He came over after eating dinner with his mom and sister so we basically just sat on the couch drinking and talking.

At one point he went to the guest bathroom instead of mine, which he does every now and then, he comes back out and looks funny. He tells me he noticed there was a drop on the toilet seat lid. I looked at him and said, “Well that’s your bathroom basically and you’re the only guy ever in there.” I could tell he was letting bad memories come back and he was just saying he’s usually good at cleaning up after himself and seeing that made his heart drop. I touched his face and told him, “I can tell you the only other men in that bathroom were my dad, little brothers and my gay best friend. But he last came over the weekend I moved it.”

He shook his head and said I know it just was me letting myself think bad things. I reminded him that the last time he used that bathroom we got really drunk and he took his sleeping pill before using it. That was like a light bulb that went off and he remembered. I even told him I hadn’t been home that much and was with him every night last week. He has such strong insecurities and I know the way we started doesn’t help but progress gets made every day.

Now, I had been meaning to talk to him about Christmas and explain to him that I wasn’t expecting anything and he shouldn’t feel obligated to get me anything. Well he very convincingly said he wanted to get some chapstick out of his vehicle. I told him to not be ridiculous because it was cold out and I had some in my purse. He insists and goes outside.

He returns with two packages wrapped with bows on them. I look at him with a complete shocked facial expression. I immediately tell him, “Oh you did not have to get me anything!! I was just about to say something about it!” I had already gotten him a few things but wasn’t ready to give them to him.

He just smiles and tells me to come get them. I walk over to grab the packages and sit back on my couch. He sits next to me and before I open them I lean over and kiss him on the cheek. There were two boxes. A larger one and a smaller one, I start to open the smaller one since it was on top and looked like a DVD. He stops me and asks that I open that last. I open the first one and it was something he had made for me for my home. I love it and immediately set it up in my kitchen. I open the second one and notice it was a DVD about an activity he does that I’ve wanted to do but since buying the house I couldn’t really afford it at the moment.

Well, I thought he had just given me a DVD on scuba diving and what it all entails so I tell him thank you and kiss him. He looks confused and asks me if I really understand what it means. I tell him, “Yeah it’s a video on scuba diving duh.” He starts to laugh and says, “No pretty girl, that is just a part of your gift. I’m paying for your lessons to get certified. And I also have a gift card for all the necessities you need to start off with.”

I was completely shocked. This was such a wonderful and unexpected gift, especially since we hadn’t even discussed doing gifts at all. I know he spent a good deal of money on this so I was just speechless. I pretty much jumped in his lap and started cuddling him and kissing him all over. I told him thank you a million times that night and pretty much the entire week. He gave them to me early because he said he can’t hold onto gifts and he wasn’t sure when I’d want to do gifts. Needless to say it was a wonderful evening together. We talked a lot, drank more, cuddled on the couch and eventually went to bed.

That morning we woke up and in typical fashion we started slowly fooling around with each other. Unfortunately, I started my period that night so he made sure to take care of me but there was no sex. Lots of orgasms though, for the both of us. I gave him four or five BJs, I can’t exactly remember the number but it was amazing. Each one was more intense than the other and I couldn’t get enough of it. We basically circled the bed multiple times in different positions so he could touch me and so I was still able to suck him. I also successfully deep throated him multiple times, finally! It did cause my throat to hurt a little but it was so incredibly sexy. The moans he would make when I did it and the way he’d ask me to do it again and if I was okay. He was definitely caring during the entire process.


Afterwards we both just laid in my bed completely satisfied but happy. He left later that afternoon and I went to stay at my parent’s house for the night.

I came back home the night of Christmas and he asked to see me again. This time he brought me to meet more of his family and spend time with them. It was really great to meet his family and spend time with them and of course with him as well. I gave him his Christmas presents that night and he couldn’t resist giving me my birthday presents early. Mine is right after Christmas so he gave me my gifts that night. I was completely shocked he even did anything and I told him again he didn’t have to at all. He did very well and I was quite happy. I stayed the night and the next day he had some family stuff planned so I went home to relax and enjoy some of my gifts.

For my birthday he took me out for a really nice dinner and to see a new movie we both wanted to see. Because of my period I really just wasn’t in one of the best moods, I was feeling a little slighted by my family and he had made a joke about something I said that I took the wrong way. So I was a little tense when I first arrived at his house (we agreed I would meet him at his house since that’s where I wanted to stay for the night) and eventually I told him what was wrong and he apologized and I was fine. After dinner and the movie we went back to his house, had a drink, watched a little television and then went to sleep.

That morning though, man he definitely woke me up with a surprise. He had been having trouble sleeping so to help he switched ends of the bed. Meaning I was sleeping the normal way in a bed and he was opposite. His head down by my feet, I wasn’t exactly pleased with the arrangement but I knew he just needed sleep and did want me there. Well he rolled over at some point and started to just cuddle my legs. He’d rub them or just hug them closer to him. At some point he eventually got me turned over and lying on top of him with my legs spread in front of him. Since I was on the last day of my period he couldn’t do much but oh, what he did.

He started slowly, massaging my legs and then my ass. He would slowly rub the inside of my thighs and then work back on my ass. I would moan a little while he massaged me because it did feel really great. Eventually he started to slowly rub my clit through my panties, he’d put a little pressure on it and then stop and move his hands. After teasing me like that for a while he then moved my panties to the side and continued to rub my clit more aggressively. I came I don’t how many times from that, I miss the sex believe me, but he can still do things to me that drive me insane. He then somehow grabs one of my hands and puts it on his dick with is rock hard. I grasp it and play with him until I sit up on my knees and hands so I can suck his dick. He continues to play with me but I tell him that it’s hard for me to concentrate when he’s doing that so good. I’m in a different angle this time so I’m doing a few new things to him and I can tell he really enjoys it.

He’s got his hands firmly wrapped in my hair and every now and then he would put one on my throat or face just to touch me. At one point he seductively asks me:

“Which way do you prefer it?” He then pulls my mouth off of him so I can respond, “I really like both, it’s a little harder to deep throat this way though.”

I continue at that angle for a little longer than he spins himself around and we are in what I call the typical BJ position. He continues to have his hands in my hair and he talks to me a little in the way he knows I like. After he came I lay on his chest for a little bit before we decide to actually get out of bed. I felt like things were a little weird between the two of us when I was leaving. More than likely those wonderful additional emotions my periods make me feel. He’s been going through a lot lately too so that probably doesn’t help either.

When I got home he asked if I made it safely and all that jazz.

But today has been awkward. He was texting me and things went like this during the conversation:

Him: “Aren’t you going somewhere this week?”

Me: “Me? No I didn’t plan on it. I’m taking off after Tuesday but I’m not going anywhere. Are you?”

Him: “I knew you were off but I thought you were going somewhere for some reason. Nope I’m not going anywhere”

Him: “Wednesday night we always go to my uncle’s and Friday I’m going to a boat show with him”

Me: “Oh okay that sounds fun”

Him: “What do you normally do?”

Me: “I don’t really have any traditional plans. It was always either go out or go out of town. My parents don’t really do anything special besides like a lunch/dinner on New Year’s Day lol”

Him: “The dermatologist antibiotic isn’t eligible until 1/1 lol”

Me: “How awesome lol how much will that be?”

Him: “Not sure but might not need it”

Me: “You don’t think?”

Me: “Are you inviting me for Wednesday?”


And that was the last text I sent, asking about Wednesday since he brought it up. I wasn’t going to but I just wanted to know since isn’t it typical for couples to be together on NYE? I sent it two hours ago and haven’t gotten a response back. I’m not sure what to think or expect at this point. I won’t text him again since I asked a direct question and he hasn’t answered yet. Any thoughts? I’m just confused since he mentioned all those details but hasn’t responded yet. I know he’s probably doing other things but it bothers me a little he has yet to respond.


You Are Mine Part One


Well it’s all official now. The Russian is officially mine now. What is he you may ask, because there are many things he has been and could be. Well, in his own words I’m his “girlfriend” and no longer available. While he, being a grown man in his 30s I don’t feel like boyfriend is the right term for him. My man? Significant other? Or is boyfriend acceptable? I just like calling him mine.

I’m sure you’re interested in how that conversation happened and the events leading up to it. Well last week was a rough one for him. The reality of him quitting his career to start up something new really hit him and he started to let his moods get to him more. So I just offered my support to him and let him express any emotions or doubts he had about this decision. I think over the course of the week it brought us closer because he realized he didn’t have to worry about me judging him or not wanting to be around him.

Towards the end of the week (we had our usual sleepovers earlier in the week) I asked him what his plans were for that Thursday night. He casually mentioned seeing some family of his but didn’t invite me. Which did upset me a little but he had brought me to his family’s church the previous Sunday so I knew he was making progress. Well when he told me there were doing something I just said okay and continued with our conversation. At some point we hit a little sweet part and then he asked if I’d like for him to come by after his family stuff, I said sure and he came by around 7 p.m. that night.

The family event didn’t really go that well since several members didn’t show up and he was a little stressed about the holidays. So we just turned on the tv, fixed some drinks and started talking. The talking is mainly what we did all night. Not about anything specific for a while, which is what I like, we just talked about anything that came to us. Well as it got a little later and the conversations got a little deeper. As we were sitting on my couch he pulls me on his lap and just holds me close to him and leans me back so my right ear is next to his mouth as he talks.

Him: “I know I’m not good at showing you the appreciation and affection you deserve but I hope you can tell I’m trying to get better at it.”

Me: “I can tell that you are and I really like it. You are an affectionate person whether you realize it or not.”

Him: “I hope you also know just how much I care for you. I really do and want it to be something you know.”

Me: “I had hoped you cared for me, it’s something we’ve never really discussed so I’m just not sure of what you’re feeling sometimes. Especially since you mentioned you weren’t sure what you were feeling for me.”

(Keep in mind that during this conversation we are basically whispering back and forth to each other while he caresses my back and plays with my hair)

Him: “I like you. Obviously.”

Me: (laughing) “Well, I like you too.”

Him: “No, I mean I really, really like you. A lot. You’re so sweet and amazing. And I like you a lot.”

Me: “I like you a lot too of course.”

Him: “You know what I mean though by saying that.”

Me: “Uh, that you like me?”

Him: “No, not just like you. But I don’t want to scare you away by saying it so fast.”

(I finally realized what exactly he meant)

Me: “That’s something you say when you really want to. Don’t say it if you aren’t ready because that’s something that carries a lot of meaning and responsibility.”

He then leans me back and smiles, “You’re so mature for your age it blows my mind.” He then leans into me so I’m holding him against me.

Him: “I want to say it but I just don’t want to scare you.”

Me: “You wouldn’t scare me but you’ll say it when you’re ready.”

He then again leans back and looks at me while pushing my hair back behind my ear.

Him: “So when are we going to make this thing official?”

Me: “Make what official?”

Him: “Oh don’t play dumb! You know what. This. Us. Are you ready for this to be the real thing?”

I stare back at him, contemplating between kissing him and slapping him. Really Russian?

Me: “I would really like that. I’d like it more if it was something you wanted as well.”

Him: “I wouldn’t be asking if it wasn’t. So, are you going to be my girlfriend? Officially and everything?”

Me: “I would really like to be. Yes.”

Him: “Good, that’s exactly what I wanted to hear. Now, how do you want to tell people? Just tell our friends or would you like to make it “FaceBook official?” Because I’m okay with either one.”

Me: “To be honest, I’d like both. That way people will know and we won’t have to do a huge announcement.”

He then proceeds to take his mobile phone out and post it on Facebook. When it asks for your anniversary date he jokingly says, “Well should we put 2013? Because technically that’s when we started seeing each other.”

I glare at him and remind him that he’d have to put a break up one around December till February for when he disappeared. He laughed and asked if I’d ever let that go. I’m sure you can guess that answer dear reader.

Well after we cuddled more and talked he asked if I was tired and ready for bed. I did have work the next morning and was a little tired. So he took me to my room and we laid in bed together with him holding me. He then asks me if I’m really sure it’s what I want to be with him, I tell him yes of course it is. We then do that gross thing couples do when they go back and forth saying why they want the other person. We do this and just kiss until we both pass out.

The next morning we talked about it some because I wanted to make sure he still felt the same way and wasn’t making a mistake. And in typical Russian fashion he said no but he was a little worried about my job and if they would say anything. I reminded him they knew about him and it was okay. Well we leave my house, I’m in my car and he’s in his truck. This was our conversation that morning:

Him: “I’m worried for you that it says it’s me”

Me: “Well then take it off.”

Him: “I want it to say you’re taken though :)”

Him: “Check yours”

Him: “Were you not worried about work?”

That’s when I saw he took the names off the relationship status. It said we were both taken but no names.

Me: “Not really since they know about you.”

Him: “Want me to put it back then?”

Me: “That’s up to you.”

Him: “Be careful!” (I had passed him on the road)

Him: “Let’s leave it for people like your nosy friend lol”

Me: “Leave it like it is?”

Him: “It’s up to you”

Him: “I was kidding as in leave it so she still can’t see who you’re dating just to rub it in.”

Me: “She can’t see anything, I blocked her remember?”

Him: “Is that a real question?”

Me: “It’s rhetorical, I know you don’t remember anything lol”

Me: “Let’s just leave it, that’s obvious you feel better doing it that way.”

Him: “Only if it doesn’t bug you in the slightest”

Me: “It doesn’t. You don’t work for the company, you left. So it’s not an issue they can even bring up. Plus, like I said they know about you.”

Him: “So add it?”

At this point my level of aggravation was so high my coworkers were concerned something was really wrong.

Me: “Lol is it what you want to do? I don’t want you to add it if it bugs you. It doesn’t bother me at all but I don’t want you to add it if it isn’t what you want.”

Him: “It’s just less for the nosey people to talk about…it’s blowing up btw lol”

Me: “Okay.”

I had decided at that point when I saw him again in person I would suggest he rethink this relationship if he was already worried about my work seeing it. Then he texted me.

Him: “Check your Facebook”

I look to see he had added me to his relationship status.

Me: “I appreciate that.”

Him: “It obviously didn’t shut anyone up so what’s the point lol”

So there you go. This whole thing is now completely official and the Russian is now…mine I guess you could say. And in turn I’m his, which is what I have been wanting for a while now.

This is the part where I break the post into two parts. I’ll be posting the second part shortly dear readers!


Night Time Confessions

I just had to get this out because I have no one else to really tell it to without giving details.

I offered to wash the Russian’s sheets and comforter since I made a slight mess Sunday. Oops. Well, everything is nice and clean but his comforter
still smells like him…so I’ll be cuddling up with it tonight before I return it.

He may or may not find out. Depends on how open I’m feeling when I see him again.


It Doesn’t Even Matter How Hard You Try

It has been such a long time and I’m so sorry for it! I can’t post at work and since I only have an iPad at home for now posting can be really time consuming or nearly impossible. If only IT would just allow WordPress life would be great! Well, what can I say about the past few months? Crazy, amazing, time consuming, full of emotions, happiness and really just a little bit of everything.

Up until I officially moved out the Russian and I carried on seeing each other about two to three times a week. Doing the usual things we had been doing. You know, eating, drinking, entertaining each other and having magnificent sex. Well once I officially moved out things started to shift and change, in a positive way. Unless one of us was going out of town we see each other almost every day. We also have more recently started going on “official” dates. Dinner and a movie, then maybe pick up something from Redbox and go back to one of our houses to spend the night with each other.

More recently we had what I call a “weekend date” with each other. Saturday morning he asked me what I was doing for the day and when I said nothing he asked me this:

Him: “Gonna shower, go work out, pick up some paint and finish everything up. You’re invited to join if you would like :)”
Me: “That might be fun lol what time?”
Him: “Later, I’d like to shop a little bit, eat and go see a movie. Meet here in an hour?”
Me: “I think I can handle that”
Him: “Ok cool, want to bring your stuff for tonight and get ready here or go back home?”

I had told him I’d get ready there but I would need to let my dog out before dinner for the night and he brought me to take her out like I asked. We worked out together for the first time which was interesting because this was one of the first things we’ve done in broad daylight together. Afterwards we bought some paint stuff for his place and I helped him with a few of those things. I had to meet my mom and drop some things to here during my time there but I came back to his house after.

He was taking a break and lying on the couch when I got back.
He laid me on top of him to watch TV with him, but of course he had some ulterior motives.

He slid his hands down my shorts to play with my clit until I orgasmed. Then, he proceeded to undress me and undress himself. We were on the couch so of course I got on top (more on that later) and we proceeded to have some amazing sex. I recently discovered how much he loves when he slides out of me and I slowly put his dick back inside me without either of us using our hands. It feels great to me but I love watching his facial expressions when it happens. His mouth opens slightly and his eyes roll back while he lets out the sexiest moans. While we don’t use condoms as often we still will every now and then but at that moment we just didn’t.

After we recovered from the sex we continued finishing up the project we had been working on until we decided what to do for the night. This was the first time I had ever really showered and got ready at his house (or any other guy’s house for that matter!) so I was a little uncomfortable at first. I had my little overnight bag and was pretty conscious of leaving things on his counter top in the bathroom.

After I showered and started drying my hair, he jumped in the shower while I was getting ready and we just joked around with each other the whole time. I had brought a pretty dress and heels to wear (since our first movie date I wore jeans and a t shirt) so when I finished I felt pretty confident in how I looked.

But boy, when I saw him all dressed up I had to control myself from jumping him right then and there. He is so handsome it kills me sometimes. He complimented me and then we went to dinner and a movie. The movie wasn’t that impressive at all, sadly. Neither one of us was crazy about it and we both laughed it off. When we got back to his place we decided to fix drinks and watch another movie. It was much better even though we got heavily intoxicated.

I haven’t had the opportunity to mention this is a blog yet but there is something he does sometimes when I spend the night that bothers me some. I’ll stay over there a few nights a week since I can now and he doesn’t want me drinking and driving. Well, some nights he will sleep the entire night with me but there have been other times when he will sleep on the futon couch that is next to the bed.

I’d have to explain the layout of that room but he can see me in the bed and I can see him. Well, he does this because he claims he gets hot and doesn’t want to keep me up all night. Well, I’ve expressed this before to him and it still doesn’t always sink in but we will get to that later. That night he did sleep with me the entire night which was really nice and unexpected as well.

We had sex that morning, which was good sex but I think if he doesn’t initiate it in the mornings he isn’t fully awake or into by the time I’m ready when I initiate it. I had planned on leaving at about 11 that morning after we had gotten up but he asked me if I would stay and help him with some other errands he wanted to do. Which I did and it actually was a lot of fun. We ate lunch together afterwards while watching one of the many football games that were on that afternoon.

We started working on some of the projects he wanted to get done and got it all finished at a decent time. At some point, we had sex again and I will say this one was actually a little painful. Still completely enjoyable but I had to make him take it easier with me. The rest of our time together we spend just being lazy together and playing with his dog around the house. I ended up staying there until later that night but he didn’t seem to mind it at all.

Well, last night we spent time together at his friend’s house which was nice. We ate and drank for a little while until we both were ready to leave. We had discussed it earlier so I went with him back to his house to just hang out together. He upset me a little last night and I’m still trying to get over that.

At some point I mentioned to him I wanted to ask him something but was a little embarrassed to do so. I have an event coming up and asked if he wasn’t busy this weekend I’d like him to go with me. I knew from the moment it came out he wasn’t going to say yes. After I initially asked he asked a few questions about it and then said he had a wedding out of town and if his guy friend wasn’t going to go he wanted me to go with him. I kind of said okay to that and didn’t bring it up. We both kind of fell asleep (we had been drinking for a while at this point) and I was laying on top of him.

When we both woke up everything was good and we were playful like normal. We even had sex and it was amazing, I prefer when he is really into it and more vocal with me which he was that time. Afterwards, I laid beside him while we caught our breath and he complimented me for the first time on the sex itself and I jokingly said that. He played back with me and then got up to shower.

I got dressed and resumed lying on the couch waiting for him to come back. Well, he brings up me asking him to this event and I told him I figured it was a “No” considering he didn’t answer or seem enthused I had asked. He told me he was happy I asked and wants to go but with our current work situation and the fact we are coworkers (for the time being, as he may be leaving the company rather soon) makes him hesitant.

But that isn’t what bothered me. I can accept that even though this company doesn’t care if coworkers date or are married, especially if you are in different departments as we are. What bothered me is he brought up the other girl he had been seeing previously. He mentioned that since their history and the fact his office is next to hers he didn’t want to cause any problems. That I have an issue with, because to me he is being too considerate to another person’s feelings than my own. And he told me he wants to bring me to an event their career field hosts every year but if he is still with the company at the time and she is there it might be weird.

My thought process is who fucking cares? Eventually this other girl will see him and I together either in public or on Facebook and if there is nothing there it shouldn’t be that big of a deal. In my mind, it comes off as he doesn’t want her to know he’s seeing me because he is still seeing her. Even though he has told me he isn’t I’m still concerned about that. Ask me if I said this to him? Nope. I was on a completely different level of mad at that point so I was aware it would be better for me to just hold off.

It didn’t help that he said, “I will come get you after it is over and bring you home when you’re drunk.” I looked at him and said no thanks, I’ll be fine. He then proceeded to tell me not to be that way and that he wants to pick me up. He then starts to become all lovey dovey on me telling me he doesn’t want me to be upset with him, that he really wants to go and is happy I asked him. He also says he doesn’t like the idea other men may try to dance with me.

I completely shut myself off from him at that point. I just couldn’t allow myself to get comfortable around him anymore that night. He made me lay down beside him so he could, I guess comfort me? I’ll try and bring it up the next time I see him just so I can get it off my chest. Considering I know I’m going to be distant with him for the time being. Once it was time to leave I just didn’t have it in me to be playful or sweet at that point but he proceeded to me. Kissing me a few times and hugging me while telling me to be careful and to text him when I got home.

As soon as I left and got on the road home I just started to cry a little. It’s like every time I think things are going good and we make progress something comes up. I just couldn’t hold it in at that point and had to let it out. He then sends me a text that is a screenshot of a movie he wants to see with me and I tell him that one looks good. When I got home I considered not telling him but didn’t want him to worry so I just said I was home. He then responded telling me to have sweet dreams and a cute nickname. Then today he’s been texting me.

I can see some of his reasoning but my god, I got out of an almost five and a half year relationship and my ex has already moved on to the point he doesn’t hide it from anyone, including me. I guess I don’t see the need to be considerate to someone he didn’t even officially date and even claims he saw no future with at all. Ugh. Thoughts?

I know this is a lot to take in and written in two parts pretty much, but when I ended it yesterday afternoon everything was going well and I was a little excited to ask him about this weekend.

I guess it’s just another reminder that he isn’t really mine yet, and it must mean I’m not his either.