Wake Up

 

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I think the saddest thing about wanting to hear from someone is when you do…and then you don’t.

The Russian has appeared in my message box again it seems, like I knew he would. Late Friday morning I was leaving the office to go run errands and take lunch when my phone vibrated. I had been texting back and forth with one of my friends so I assumed it was them so I opened my messages. To my surprise it was him. Telling me to slow down in the parking lot….again. We exchanged a few texts back and forth about my driving and that was it.tumblr_n3d605ksNB1s019tvo1_500

I had that feeling he was going to text me later so I left my phone’s ringer on and what do you know. He texted me.

Him: “Wake uuuuuup!”

Me: “What you hollering for?!”

Him: “To wake you up son”

Me: “I am up son”

Him: “Why? Out?”

Him: “Grinding on some other old man?”

Me: “Negative, I was up doing nerd activities lol”

Him: “Reeeeeading?”

Me: “Yep lol reeeeeading”

Me: “Why are you up?”

(This is when I realize he was drinking)

Him: “Ooooo no”

Him: “Absolutely nuuuuhhhhthing”

Him: “What is it good for”

Him: “Hm hm hm hm hmmm hm”

Me: “Hahahaha is someone slightly intoxicated?”

Him: “I knew you’d reply with that question”

Me: “What are ya, psychic or something?”

Him: “Duh”

Him: “Feed your lawn…feed it”

Me: “Lol where did that come from?”

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This all happened after 2 am, I tend to be a night owl and have problems sleeping. He is aware of this and has some of the same problems. I’m not sure what to think about his “grinding on some other old man” comment. To me, he shouldn’t even care if he is just playing games with me. Well he apparently passed out and I didn’t hear anything from him Saturday at all. Which I expected, I feel like I’m starting to understand him and his moves.

Come Sunday he texted me about a show and we talked a little back and forth. I sent him a funny meme and he responded with a “Lol” and I didn’t send anything back. I messaged him after the show and asked how it was. We talked a little back and forth. He asked if I watched it and I replied I hadn’t because I was watching some other shows. We spoke a little more and then that was it.

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I don’t understand this man at all. I literally want to shake the shit out of him until he tells me the truth. I have no doubt he will text me more and then want to see me. That will be my one opportunity to ask him about what is going and what exactly this is between us. I should be able to see his reaction and know if he’s being honest or just bullshitting me. I can’t ask over the phone because it is too easy to deceive someone that way.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

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The pathetic part? I was so happy he was texting me again. Why??? I should be pissed and tell him off, but I can’t find the urge to be mean to him. Why? He’s treated me so wrong and I have a right to be pissed. I mean, since he pulled this shit the first time I’ve had that right. And hell, he knows it too. I look forward to being able to have an honest talk with him one day, as I’ve said, I’m sure he will want to see me again.

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What do you think? Is this all just a player’s game that he’s starting all over again or is there something lying underneath the surface? 

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Keeping Score

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Ten days. 240 hours. 14400 minutes.

That’s how long it has been since I last heard from the Russian. And I wouldn’t even consider that a conversation, just an “Ok” and that was it.

I spent the night with this “man” last Saturday. From about 9 pm to 10:30 am I was with him. Not only was I with him but he was sweet on me, touching me and all that stupid touchy feely shit. Gave him how many blowjobs? Oh that’s right, FOUR.

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Do I sound pissed? Because I am.

I’m not hurt or sad, I’m pissed. Pissed I once again let a guy just use me for his own needs. Instead of being honest and telling me what he wanted he lied and made me believe there was something there.

This is why I fear being single. All these ridiculous games one plays for no other reason but to get what they want. What’s sad is I use to be able to play these games and I didn’t even like doing it.

I’m sick of men and their stupid fucking games, because we all know they continue to get away with it and probably always will. Why? I believe if a woman confronted a man about it he would turn it completely around on her and make her feel like shit. WHY? Because they know we tend to be emotional creatures and if we feel we have hurt someone or something stupid like that we will cave.

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The funny part? Not all women are emotional creatures. I may have moments when I feel emotional or get sad. Those are few and far between. The majority of the time I get annoyed and aggravated when people try to play on me emotions.

Like when the Russian told me, “That’s my face” one night we were together. Was him playing my emotions, because I never knew he felt that way about me. Oh wait, he didn’t. I just believed he did which caused me to really think about things with him.

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Fucking asshole.

I put my relationship and future at a serious risk for HIM. And for what?? Nothing. Another notch in his headboard and another number in his count. Not only did I do that but I have such serious thoughts and regrets that I honestly have to separate from my boyfriend. Because I have seen what real passion can be like, what it should be like to feel wanted and desired.

Even if the asshole that did it is obviously just playing me.

And what’s even worse? I miss him. I miss the way he could make me laugh, I miss joking with him and just spending time with him.

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Even though it is apparent that was all a game.

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Disillusioned Young One – 0

Let the games continue.

 

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What a Tangled Web We Weave

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Much to my surprise after our midweek rendezvous I heard from the Russian a lot over the weekend. Friday we didn’t really talk that much, he sent me a text about a picture I posted and we had a little conversation. The boyfriend had decided to go out Friday night and I wanted to stay in. Well I was up and at 1:30 I got a text from the Russian.

 

Him: “Yo”

Me: “Yo”

Him: “Sip”

Him: “Sup lol”

Me: “Just watching tv lol you?”

Him: “Hoping you were out”

Me: “Not tonight why?”

Him: “Maybe I like ya”

Me: “Lol just a maybe?”

Him: “I shouldn’t but I do”

At this point I’m in a stage of shock. Because this is the Russian I remember, he would tell me he missed me, liked me or cared for me but he hasn’t in so long. So the conversation continues.

Him: “The bar sucked….was hoping you were somewhere”

Me: “Did it? I thought about going tonight”

Him: “Wish you woulda”

Me: “Maybe I do too”

Him:”??”

Me: “Wish I would have gone”

Him: “No I understood, Maybe though? I was there…lol”

Me: “Lol I know you were there and maybe a little more than maybe ;)”

 

He then sent me a random quote and were talking about that for a little bit. I then asked him where he was.

Him: “_______ lol”

Me: “Haha having it your way huh?”

Him: “Almost”

Him: “You’d be in the passenger seat if I had it my way”

Me: “Mmm is that right?”

Him: “Yep”

Me: “Lol good to know, since you kinda like me”

Him: “Maybe but I know I shouldn’t”

Me: “Why do you say you shouldn’t?”

Him: “It’s pretty obvious lol”

Him: “Right?”

Me: “Kind of I guess lol”

Him: “You tell me”

Me: “You’re the one saying you shouldn’t not me lol”

Him: “Well no matter how dumb I may feel…you see who I’m texting”

Me: “If it makes you feel less dumb…I like that it’s me you’re texting”

Him: “Maybe slightly”

Me: “Just a little bit?”

Him: “Some”

Me: “Good :)”

 

The conversation continued with us talking about what I was reading and stuff with his family that was going on. Then it got interesting again.

Him: “Why did I wanna hang out with you again woman? Lol”

Me: “Uh I have no idea lol”

Him: “Oh lol”

Me: “Why did you want to hang out with me again? Lol”

Him: “That was my question”

Me: “Yeah well I’m asking now lol”

Him: “I enjoy hanging out with you. Had a really good time the other day even before the end of the night”

Me: “Well good I’m glad 🙂 And I had a good time too, you’re not too bad to hang out with ;)”

 

Then he was joking about me being awake this late at night which then led to a discussion about my relationship. Those are always harder for me to talk about with him because I don’t want to give him every detail. At the same time, I wonder if he’s taking notes on what not to do with me.

He then passes out, we had been talking for about three hours and it was now past 4 am. I heard from him the next day but just a little. He then asked me what I was doing that night which I said I hadn’t made any plans yet. He tells me he’s hanging out with a guy friend and drinking. He then tells me he was getting phone calls from a blocked number and asked if it could be my boyfriend. Which I knew it wasn’t because he was sitting next to me at the time. I made a joke about someone stalking him and his response was that he hopes she’s cute. I said something along the lines of “Haha good luck with that” and he sent back “Lol kiiiiidding” I just told him I know with a smiley face.

I went on to tell him that where I was at was incredibly boring and he was surprised I was bored. When he told me what he was doing it sounded more fun to me. I love when I can just hang out and drink, watch movies or relax. I don’t mind bars but they get old after a while. Well I told him this and he said:

Him: “I thought you were unhappy cause you were bored…..wouldn’t being out at bars be more thrilling than movies and drinks!”

Me: “Not necessarily lol. Movies and drinks can be much more fun than a bar sometimes!”

Him: “What do you mean like Wednesday?”

Me: “Lol yeah like Wednesday”

Him: “:)))”

Me: (I sent a smiling/blushing emoji)

Him: “What are you doin talking to me”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Him: “Out with people and the boyfriend talking to the boring old man”

Me: “Well maybe I kinda like ya”

Him: “Oh yeah?”

Me: “Maybe”

Him: (He sends me our glare face emoji)

Me: “;) Don’t you glare!”

Him: “Why should I?”

Me: “Number one, because I said so. And number two, there no reason to glare.”

Him: “So which one matters?”

Me: “Well they both matter lol but you have no reason to glare”

Him: “Maybe”

Me: “Oh don’t maybe me!”

Him: “You did first”

Me: “You know I’m playing!!

Him: “I wish you were playing with something else”

Me: “You and me both”

Him: “Oh yea?”

Me: “Definitely”

Him: “What would that be?”

Me: “You know what I’m talking about”

Him: “??”

Me: “Don’t play dumb old man!”

We then get into a banter of exchanging movie quotes with each other, but it seems so natural and just flows easily. The next day we didn’t really talk. I was busy around my house and I’m not sure what he was doing. But we ended up talking later that night. Some how it got brought up that I could have texted him earlier and we wouldn’t be talking so late at night. I explained to him that it goes both ways and that I’m a little old fashioned in that sense. He explained to me that he doesn’t want to try and text me at a bad time. I told him if it wasn’t a good time I’d just not text back right away or tell him.

I’m so torn on what to do. Because lately the boyfriend has been talking more about “us” doing updates to our current house and things in our future. I don’t really respond to those statements, I literally feel myself pulling away from him and I don’t know what to do. I look at him and just think how is it that just a year ago I couldn’t imagine life without him. I would have done anything for him to act towards me then as he does now, but for some reason I don’t feel the same way anymore and that hurts. I want to talk to my mum about it but she will be so upset I met with the Russian again. She’s protective of me and doesn’t like that he hurt me a month and a half ago.

I just think to myself, if and when, (because it has to happen) the boyfriend and I end things will the Russian still be there? And if so, what then? I can’t ask him these kinds of things at all. We haven’t even talked about seeing each other again. And I won’t bring that up unless he does. And I want to see him again, badly. His company is so great and he makes me laugh every time I’m around him.

In other words, I’m royally fucked. Until next time!