Just Don’t Know What to Do.

Why does it seem things always have to become so damn hard?

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When the Russian wanted me back, he made all these huge gestures and made big statements about love and us. Then it seemed around February it changed. I’m not sure if he got too comfortable, we moved too fast too soon, he is unsure or if I’m overthinking everything. After the holidays and my birthday things were just amazing. He told me he loved me on a regular basis, complimented me, talked to me and was always reassuring if I ever had questions or worries.

He finally had surgery for his back, that recovery time was hard because he basically lived with me for a month. I am so use to having my space at some point so we would bicker every now and then. I will say some of that could be blamed on me. He was always around and I was always having to cater to him, which in turn got to be exhausting because in my mind he should still be catering to me. Especially since I never did anything wrong.

When his house was finally finished he moved in and I became a little sad. In a sick way, as much as I wanted my own space I still wanted to see him and talk to him very day. So I became paranoid he’d go back to how he was before, and I’d never really see him. Then he’d just forget about me.

It just seems like lately we have been arguing so much more. I’m trying to change certain things or fix things, but it sometimes seems like it is not enough. He hasn’t told me he loves me in a month. Which I had finally brought up to him in an argument. Part of me wonders if I’m trying to push him away, or maybe he is trying to push me away. He doesn’t include me in as much anymore. He will say things like, “We don’t have to be so formal anymore.” Or, if he’s doing work at his business or home, instead of asking me to help he basically implies I should be a better girlfriend and just offer. But I never know what he’s doing. And previously, even when we weren’t officially dating, he would ask me to help and I always did.

He’s also starting to become controlling again. And mean. Very, very mean. He nitpicks on me for almost any and everything. The way I ask questions, give my opinion, drive, take care of my contacts, or whatever else he can think of he will tell me how I’m doing it wrong. What bothers me the most about that is he will now tell me, if I ask if he’s sure he wants this or me, is he tells me I’m being either insecure, needy or need to much reassurance and by me being that way pushes him away.

I just don’t know what to do at this point. Do I leave him and this relationship? Do I take a break? Do I give up all hope? I can’t stay in this weird limbo anymore and I certainly cannot bring it up to again or else I’ll get “in trouble” like a child.

We had a decent weekend together. Spent more time together from Thursday to last night than we have in almost two weeks. I’ll have to talk about that more later. I’m just so frustrated and confused. I have no one else I can really talk to about this anymore. My mom wants me to just leave him as she can’t stand him or the way he’s been treating me anymore. I’m somewhat mad at my best friend since she won’t be supportive or anything anymore even though I was there for her relationship problems. And we all know I can’t talk to him.

 

So what now?

Things Change, But Do They Change Forever?

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I wish I had posted my draft post I had been working on the weekend after Thanksgiving. Mainly because some serious shit went down and it has turned into this funny but amazing moment that I can’t wait to share with you all! So let me take you back to the week of Thanksgiving, about three weeks ago I believe. The Russian and I had seen each other a few times. We cooked at my house then he asked me the next day to help with stuff at his new house. Everything was fine and dandy really. He had been acting a lot more like a “boyfriend” and wanting to be around me. So things had kind of been getting better.

The night before Thanksgiving I spent with some friends and we went out. The next day was Thanksgiving and we kind of chit-chatted back and forth. That night he went shopping and picked up a movie for me all on his own. I was a little surprised but happy. I had been telling my close friends I planned on talking to him about where this was going and what this even was. Well, come Friday he never asked to see me or really seem to want to talk to me. I had gone to talk to my therapist that afternoon, I just started to see her, and she really hit home with me about a few things.

She actually had me read the old English poem, “The Spider and the Fly” while I was in my session. It really hit home with me in so many ways. Talking to her kind of made it clear to me the Russian was playing with me for his own benefit and that I needed to honestly end things with him. Well, late that night he ended up calling me asking if I would come pick him up from the bar. I was going to but he ended up driving to my house. We watched a movie, he passed out drunk on my couch and then when we went to my bed at around 5 am we had sex.

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Here is when things get rough. That morning, we fooled around a little then were lying in bed together. He was looking through his phone and I just so happened to see a particular girl’s name on his phone. The one who had been seeing him before me, and the same one he had been texting a few months ago. I instantly rolled away to put my panties back on, while doing so I let out a weird laugh and started to shake my head. He instantly was like, “She’s just a friend and I can text who I want. You shouldn’t be looking at my phone anyways.” I just nodded my head. He instantly changes the subject and starts to talk to me about his house. The last thing I even cared to hear about at that point. He then says he wants to show me some new stuff he put up in the house and I agree to go. Stupid me. While I was getting ready he let me dog out, but told me I had some packages outside. He brought them in of course. I knew what they were but didn’t open them.

As we are driving to his house he asks me what came in the mail. I just shrugged and said, “Nothing, stuff I have to send back.” He looked at me and asked me again what it was. I said the same thing so he says back, “Is it something you got for Christmas but now don’t want to give it to someone?” I nodded my head and just said, “Yep.” We get to his house and he’s showing me around and all that. He mentions something and then that’s when I basically lost it. After a long conversation, and him telling me again that he told me he had already said he didn’t have those feelings for me and that he didn’t believe I actually loved him cause I allowed him to keep seeing me I just went into full on bitch mode. I told him that the only reason I allowed him in my life after the first break up was because I am in love with him and want to be with him. But since he has told me this I no longer wanted him in my life and that our relationship was no longer beneficial to me. He did not like that. He then tried to say he wanted us to still be friends and I told him that would not be happening as he is now my official ex and I never speak to my exes.

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I also told him I would no longer be his “support system” and he could have one of his other girls do that for him. I also said I didn’t care about updates on his life, business or anything else. A lot more was said from me but it’s a lot. I finally stopped allowing him to back-peddle and put blame on me. Well, the funny part is we rode together so he had to bring me back to my house. That was a fun car ride. He kept asking me about my thoughts on his house, I finally busted out laughing and said, “Seriously? I don’t give two shits what you do. Ask someone else who cares.” He instantly got all upset and said he was sorry and maybe he was just an asshole, “You are an asshole, be honest with yourself,” was my response. We get to my house and he asks if I can give him a hug or if I was just going to leave. I gave him a half-assed hug then told him I needed my key back.

I jumped out of his car and never looked back. I immediately called my closest friends to let me know what happened and to get comfort from them. It was a rough few days. I had finals coming up and work was going to be hectic. Well, three days after that conversation he sends me a text, “Hey just wanted to say I’m still here if you need anything and good luck on your finals.” I never responded to that. And those that have followed this since the beginning know that I have never gone without responding to him. I held strong and continued doing schoolwork. After several days without real sleep I was exhausted and grumpy.

Come Saturday of that same week he sends me another text, “Thinkin about ya…hope you’re doing well :)” to which I never responded again. I had more school stuff to do and stayed focus. Well, come Monday he sends me another text while I was working out. “Miss my ace in the hole trim painter right now :/” I had never felt stronger before. Instead of thinking about missing him, I laughed and thought, I’m sure you do since I did so much shit for you willingly and without complaint.

The next night some friends of mine offered to take me out for dinner and drinks to celebrate finals being done. I hadn’t been out in a while like that so I got all dolled up. It was a great night, he didn’t cross my mind and I got roaring drunk. Which made work even more fun the next day. On Thursday I went to work and then worked out afterwards. I was doing stuff at my house when my FaceBook messenger went off. Well, after two weeks this is when I became weak:

Him: Not sure if you blocked my cell but I hope you’re doing okay :/

(I waited about 30 minutes)

Me: Didn’t block you. Been super busy with finals.

Him: How’d they go

Me: I’ll be finished tomorrow. Then I’ll know for sure.

Him: Well good luck! I’m sure it’ll turn out well. I feel so much better getting a response can’t even tell you

Me: Why do you feel better?

Him: I won’t get into it tonight before your final. I’ll let you study but I hope it goes well

Me: Okay

So the cynic in my mind is thinking he just wants to make sure I’ll answer so he can get the rest of his stuff from me or whatever. I don’t think much about it after that. The next day I’m at work starting my day when my phone goes off and who can it be? The Russian.

Him: Good luck! 🙂

Me: Thanks

Him: Will you let me know when you’re done with your final?

Me: It’s just a paper. I’ve already written it so I just have to edit it then submit.

Him: Oh cool

Him: I’m putting my last fixture together and the have to meet the inspector at 11. Can we talk after that?

Me: Um sure, what about?

Him: I’d rather tell you in person

Me: Is this something bad?

Him: I don’t think so. It could be bad for me but not you

Me: Bad for you? Is it gonna upset me or anything like that? If it’s something like that a call would be better to be honest.

Him: I really don’t think so

Me: Alright. Well where do you want to meet?

Him: I can drive over if that’s ok

Me: Okay, my lunch is 12 to 1.

Him: Oh you’re working today too?

Me: Yeah, I had to.

Him: Would you rather wait till you get off?

Me: I have an event to go to for work at 7 tonight.

Him: Ok well I’ll meet you at your house at 12?

So this all happens at around 10 that morning. My stomach was literally sick the rest of the morning. To be honest, I was expecting him to tell me he had met someone else and just wanted to be honest with me about it. Then get the rest of his stuff from my house. Well, he texts me a little before 12 to ask if he could pick me up food and I said yes.

I get to my house before him and that’s basically when everything changed.

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A New, and Sweeter Journey

I’m not sure if anyone wants to know recent updates with my life. But I need to get this out one way or another, so enjoy!

Are the Russian and I still broken up? Yes. Have we still been seeing each other fairly regularly and pretending things are okay? Yes. Will this be continuing anymore? Fuck no. Why, you may ask? Because it has been made abundantly clear to me that the Russian has just been using me and taking advantage of my feelings for him. Now, does he realize that we won’t be continuing things? Of course not. I’m done. Done with the endless feelings of heartbreak, embarrassment, worthlessness and just unwanted. He is so kind and caring when he needs me in his life, but gives me NOTHING. So, I’m done. Easier said than done of course, but I’m trying. Seriously trying.

I’m also, pursuing other avenues of relationships. Which kinds you may ask? Let’s just say, I won’t have to worry about things for a while. Yes. I’m talking somewhat older men, I have my limits. I cannot bear the idea of dating another guy/man child who can’t be honest with me on what he wants or whatever. And also expect me to spend more time, effort and money on them with nothing to show for it. So I’m trying things a little differently at this point. This is going to make my blog much more interesting from here on out I believe.

I do want to ask, how do you make that final step to remove someone from your life permanently? The issue with me doing that to the Russian is that I know he will show up to my house wanting serious answers as to why I won’t speak to him. I can’t necessarily give him an answer without revealing my sources. But let’s just say that when he tells me one thing, that is obviously not what he means and not what he’s telling other girls. I just can’t believe I was this stupid for the past almost three months after we ended things. I thought he genuinely wanted to work things out, and see if we could really be together. Now I just realize he is in fact just a player who doesn’t want commitment because he will never be able to commit. It completely broke my heart when these things were presented to me. Basically broke me as a person for a little while. I no longer truly believe in love, which may make my dating style much more enjoyable. I’m hoping to have him fully cut out of my life by next week. I’m making baby steps in my very own, disappearing act, to treat him to. It’s about time he experienced one after all the ones I dealt with. Do I sound bitter?

Amazing sex aside, it isn’t worth it anymore. Small moments of affection and false sense of hope can’t keep me content anymore. I’ve been back to my serious workout routine and I’m back in great shape. He has noticed and makes sure to mention it to me. But that is no longer for his benefit. I’ve never been really “single” before so I’m excited for this new journey and I hope you’re ready to read all about it!

One Year

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One year. One year since the giant debacle with the Russian came to a screeching halt. One year of so many ups, downs, confusions, feelings and many other descriptive words.

It’s been since September that I’ve done an actual post and I’m so sorry. Life gets to be so hectic sometimes but so much has actually happened. Some good and some bad, which is pretty much the usual way things go for this relationship with the Russian.

So I will say that the Russian officially left the company that we both work for. He was having countless issues and a better job opportunity came up so he took it. I’m very happy for him and know he’s going to do great with the company. I had voiced a concern about it to him that starting this new job would be an easy way for him to get me out of his life. He actually said it before I could finish my sentence and he didn’t want me to feel that way. We’ve had the exclusive talk which we both agreed to be exclusive. Tried to have the “title/what are we” talk, didn’t go very well or as planned. But I can understand where he comes from, he’s been damaged so much emotionally and it doesn’t help he sometimes has to think about how this relationship began. Plus, it has only been since May that I ended my almost six year relationship. And I’ve only been living on my own for about five months.

But if I can, I’d like to just fully express how I’m feeling about this entire situation. It will probably help to get this out now so I can come back to it later. When I’m not about to be done with my period and full of extra emotions and I’m rambling already, sorry!

I’m starting to get that feeling in the pit of my stomach that maybe this won’t turn out like I had hoped. That maybe he will decide he doesn’t want this or just pull another disappearing act. I’ve had a few people tell me it’s obvious that cares for me and even has the big “L” word when it comes to me. But he has so many emotional and trust issues that I also have to go against at the same time. There are moments when he is affectionate like I need and I can honestly see the relationship beginning to actually take form. Other times, it’s so hard for me to read him that I don’t know where anything is even going.

He has called himself by “boyfriend” before but then when I asked about a title in the relationship he basically explained to me again his emotional issues and why he doesn’t want to rush anything with this. Only because we’ve been out and “dating” for just a few months.

We still do have amazing sex, at one point we were spending Friday to Sunday together. Going on dates, drinking and having sex multiple times a day like teenagers and it was amazing. It was probably the happiest months I’ve had in years. But of course, as my luck has it, he starts to either overthink things or get scared of the commitment that would follow. I think in his mind it isn’t a good way to start a relationship with so much sex. He’s even said that to me when we discussed something he had said previously. Now I let him initiate things and I don’t do it at all anymore. No more, “May I suck your dick sir?” because I’m not sure if I should or if he wouldn’t like that. Remember how open, affectionate and talkative he was over the summer? He’s changed from that.

He rarely kisses anymore which completely upsets me. I absolutely love to kiss, it’s how I show affection and how I like to receive it. So when we don’t kiss it makes me feel bad about myself. Mainly because it reminds me of how past relationships would go, the guy is always the one who stops with the affection and I’m left doubting myself. I’ve brought this up and he claims he is still “learning” on how to be affectionate that way. In his mind maybe affection is just reserved for sex and can’t be just a normal thing. Who knows? He is starting to try and figure out what some of his issues come from and he thinks they are more spiritual.

I can understand how he feels but I guess I just take the brunt of him going through all this. Because we go from spending almost every day together, with many sleepovers, to only seeing each other two to three times a week. Now, I know he started a new job and we do talk daily. I think I just miss how his schedule use to be, he has to get to work so early and it’s hard to have late nights with me.

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Am I being ridiculous? I really believe he wants to be with me but I think it’s so hard reading those emotions of his and just wondering what he wants. I’m also torn because I view him as my boyfriend, and I’m sure he views me as his girlfriend, so I tell him little things I’m doing if he asks and he tells me what he’s doing. I still never text him first, it’s something I don’t think I’ll ever really change.

Shit. I hate going through this right now. It doesn’t help we still haven’t done the introduction to our parents. I’ve met his father at different events but he’s never intentionally taken me to meet his family. I haven’t either but I told him I wanted to bring him after he introduced me to his. Again, he told me he had rushed that phase before and would be completely invested in the relationship then the girl would just leave him. I instantly wanted to roll my eyes because, hello, how long has this thing been going on? Obviously I’m not going to just leave him. Maybe strangle him, but not just leave.

Some weeks are better than others and maybe that’s just the cause of this relationship and how it all started. I’m not sure. I do know I want things to work with him and I want to help him the best I can. I thought dating men in their 30s would be less complicated; apparently this 20something wasn’t quite right.

Any thoughts on the situation? I know I haven’t posted in so long and I’m leaving out a lot of details. I’ll be able to talk about those a little later. I’m proud to say my company has finally released the block for WordPress. This does make my life even better! I’m so happy to be back, dear readers and I hope I don’t disappoint!

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Night Time Confessions

I just had to get this out because I have no one else to really tell it to without giving details.

I offered to wash the Russian’s sheets and comforter since I made a slight mess Sunday. Oops. Well, everything is nice and clean but his comforter
still smells like him…so I’ll be cuddling up with it tonight before I return it.

He may or may not find out. Depends on how open I’m feeling when I see him again.

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Just Fucking Rip Them!

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I’m not sure how to really even begin this post. As usual a lot has happened since my last post and even since last week.

I officially have found a house that I love, I made an official offer on it and it was accepted. Closing is expected to be early this summer so keep your fingers crossed for me! The only problem is I haven’t shared this information with the boyfriend yet. My family and I agree that I should wait till it’s closer to the date otherwise living together for another two months would be quite awkward. Also, he could get angry and just completely kick me out which wouldn’t be good either.

Well the Russian and I are in our usual weird limbo. Last week we saw each other on Thursday night and let me say, that was one to remember.

**Kind reminder, there will be sex discussed in this post so turn back now if you don’t want to read about it!**

We were both off that Friday so after a drawn out conversation that dealt with us playing cat and mouse we decided to see each other on Thursday. At some point in the conversation I will say he mentioned our “extended quietnesses” (his own words). I didn’t get a real answer on it as I had passed out after it was brought up in a playful way. The days before that we spoke a lot with each other. A lot about my new house, a major project he’s been working on and then a few other things too.

That Thursday we talked pretty much the entire day since he was off. So when it got closer to the time we decided to meet he asked if I wanted to pick up some food for us and I did.

When I got to his house we sat down to eat and start the show. We were just talking a lot with each other and joking around. After we ate and watched about half of an episode he asked if I wanted a drink and I said yes so he fixed us drinks. I think this was one of the times when we just talked a lot with each other. We joked around so much and had some random conversations. When it came time for a second drink I was surprised at how early it was so I asked for another. By that second drink I was definitely feeling it and I could tell he was too.

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He gets to be so silly around me once he’s comfortable, we kept making jokes about the show we were watching and he would crack me up about that all night. Or we would say the same thing at the same time and he would be sure to point it out to me when it happened. Sometimes I feel so comfortable around him I can’t help but wonder what will happen when I’m officially on my own. I guess that’s something we will see later.

Back to the story. So we had been sitting on the couch during this time and I was wearing shorts. So he was rubbing on my legs and holding my hand. I had been really picking on him, mainly calling him the usual nicknames I do and he was pretending to pout about it so I kissed on his face like I know he likes. I kissed his cheek and slowly made my way to his lips, I kissed the corner of his mouth and then he turned to face me and he starts to touch my cheeks. I make a face a pull back a little and he tells me to stop that and says, “You need to get over this face thing because I like to touch your face.” So I let him touch my cheeks and then we started to kiss very deep. He’s running his hands through my hair and touching my face and throat like he normally likes to do.

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When we finally came up for air we resumed watching the show but this time he had me pulled right up against him. My memory gets a little hazy here so just hang on.

We started to kiss again and he slipped his hand between my legs and started gripping my thighs. After more kissing he slid his hand up and started to touch me through my shorts. At some point he had his hand down the front of my shorts. He made a comment about my waxing and how long it usually lasts. He then starts to touch me until he slides a finger inside me. I keep my eyes open and on his facial reactions, he closes his eyes, arches his back a little and moans. He becomes aware I was staring at him so he starts moving his finger faster and deeper into me. Causing me to close my eyes and really enjoy myself.

After he does this for a little bit he turns so his back is against the arm rest and I turn to face him. He stands me up and I take my shorts off, he then asks me to stand over him while I’m just in my shirt and panties. These are those that are the “cheeky” ones that the portion that covers your ass is all lace. As I’m standing over him he touches my ass and starts talking to me. He gives me all these compliments on my ass and that he wishes he could photograph this moment. I laugh and tell him to keep wishing cause that won’t happen. (I was horny, not stupid at that moment) As it continues, I finally turn around and straddle him. He moves to try and take my panties off so I jump off the couch and take a few steps away. He sits up and gives me a look then tells me to come back over there. I tell him to come catch me and I walk to the bed. He grabs me real quick and carries me to his bed. As I sit on the bed he grabs a condom and a bottle of lube then he sets them on the bed.

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He lays down and I sit on top of him. After he takes my shirt off I’m only in my panties. This is when things got intense. He’s rubbing on my ass and makes a remark about ripping my panties off me. I tell him I’ve never had someone do that and I wish he would. He tells me it might hurt me and I said, “Just fucking rip them!” And that is exactly what he did, in literally two seconds he ripped my pretty lace panties right off of me.Image

At that point things progressed quickly. He puts some lube on my hand that I then rub on his dick while he reached for the condom. When he had that on he rolled me onto my back and asked if I wanted him, I said, “Yes Sir” and he pushed himself inside of me. He had to go slow at first like he normally does and then things really started going. We had sex with him on top with my legs in the air and wrapped around him, I was on top in about four different positions, then he was behind me as I laid on the bed and then before he came he had me leaning over the bed while he was behind me. This was well over an hour by the time he came.

It still is crazy to me that he can last that long. He got up so we could find our clothes and go back to the couch. I found my shirt and he threw me my shorts after finding my panties ripped. He made a comment about them and wanting to keep them. I laughed and told him no. For some reason we couldn’t find his shorts anywhere so he just put on the cutest pair of boxers. He said they were his favorite cause of how soft they were. I liked them because I could easily see the bulge of his member. That statement made him laugh a lot.

We resumed watching the show together and were talking about random stuff again. At some point he got frisky and started touching me again. He tried to get hard again but considering we just had sex and had been drinking it didn’t happen at that moment, so he asked if I’d take a nap with him. We both were laying on the couch in just our shirts. He held me to where he had me wrapped in his arms and my head was laying on his chest. Any time I moved just a little he would hold onto me tighter and wouldn’t let me move. So I let him sleep for a little bit. I wasn’t tired but it was nice just laying like that with him.

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Eventually he woke up and so did his member. We resumed where we left off before the nap. I was sitting on top of him and straddled him. One thing he does that I really like is when he can take control while he’s underneath me. He will hold my hips still and, well, just really fuck me. At some point he lifts me up and carries me to the large chair in his living room and bends me over it. He really starts to go when he’s behind me. It’s almost too much for me because I was still a little sore. Then he starts to get more into slapping my ass. Which he had done before but I think in that position he was able to really do it. He favors his right hand so he slaps my left ass cheek the most. For the first time I had to tell him to go easier because it was starting to border on actually hurting. He was surprised by that but he switched hands and ass cheeks. I lean myself up so my back is against his chest and he lifts me up while he continues to fuck me.

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I don’t know how but he then turns me around and lays me on the armrest. He asks if I want him to cum and I tell him “Yes Sir” and he keeps going, I had so many orgasms at this point I can’t even guess. Whenever he comes he pulls me against him and holds me. As I walk around to get dressed he’s standing there completely naked and I couldn’t help but just stare at him. Maybe it was the added alcohol or the fact I was like a horny teenager but I know my look was one of those hungry and greedy looks. He made a comment that if I didn’t stop staring like that we’d have a problem. I told him to either put some underwear on or another condom.

Once I’m dressed he just wraps a towel around himself and after a playful game of him trying to take my panties we walk to my car. We talk a little more and then he kisses me goodbye, tries to take my panties again and then I finally leave.

As usual, we didn’t talk the next day but I was busy with family stuff and he knew that. The day after that he sent me a text with his usual “Yo” and I responded but he never sent anything back. So we didn’t talk over the weekend. But Monday afternoon he was parking his truck behind my car while I was leaving to run an errand.

Him: “Did you even notice that was me speed demon?”

Me: “I had a feeling it was you lol and I wasn’t even driving that fast”

Well we didn’t talk yesterday but then today he’s been texting me more. As usual he was critiquing my driving and telling me I need to drive slower, I tell him I will drive slower and I can almost tell it’s the dominate personality in him trying to come out.

Ahhh this man drives me insane with these “extended quietnesses” as he liked to put it. I don’t know if it’s because he wants me to text him or if he’s just being weird because of this entire situation.

Oh well, we will see what happens. So that was my last week and a half, how was yours?

Keeping Score

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Ten days. 240 hours. 14400 minutes.

That’s how long it has been since I last heard from the Russian. And I wouldn’t even consider that a conversation, just an “Ok” and that was it.

I spent the night with this “man” last Saturday. From about 9 pm to 10:30 am I was with him. Not only was I with him but he was sweet on me, touching me and all that stupid touchy feely shit. Gave him how many blowjobs? Oh that’s right, FOUR.

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Do I sound pissed? Because I am.

I’m not hurt or sad, I’m pissed. Pissed I once again let a guy just use me for his own needs. Instead of being honest and telling me what he wanted he lied and made me believe there was something there.

This is why I fear being single. All these ridiculous games one plays for no other reason but to get what they want. What’s sad is I use to be able to play these games and I didn’t even like doing it.

I’m sick of men and their stupid fucking games, because we all know they continue to get away with it and probably always will. Why? I believe if a woman confronted a man about it he would turn it completely around on her and make her feel like shit. WHY? Because they know we tend to be emotional creatures and if we feel we have hurt someone or something stupid like that we will cave.

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The funny part? Not all women are emotional creatures. I may have moments when I feel emotional or get sad. Those are few and far between. The majority of the time I get annoyed and aggravated when people try to play on me emotions.

Like when the Russian told me, “That’s my face” one night we were together. Was him playing my emotions, because I never knew he felt that way about me. Oh wait, he didn’t. I just believed he did which caused me to really think about things with him.

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Fucking asshole.

I put my relationship and future at a serious risk for HIM. And for what?? Nothing. Another notch in his headboard and another number in his count. Not only did I do that but I have such serious thoughts and regrets that I honestly have to separate from my boyfriend. Because I have seen what real passion can be like, what it should be like to feel wanted and desired.

Even if the asshole that did it is obviously just playing me.

And what’s even worse? I miss him. I miss the way he could make me laugh, I miss joking with him and just spending time with him.

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Even though it is apparent that was all a game.

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Disillusioned Young One – 0

Let the games continue.

 

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You’re So Far Away

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What is it that person a person want something? That craving urge that you just have to have something. Where does this come from? And why can’t I make it stop?

I have been asking myself lately what it is that I want? Unfortunately, I have not been able to really answer that question. One thing I want to know is why do people claim to want something, but fall away when they are close to getting what they wanted?

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I feel this way right now in regards to the Russian. If you read my post from last week you’ll remember that he was (as I felt) going down the same path as before. But he spoke to me a little every day. However, over the weekend he spoke to me like before. Friday night he was texting me from 1:30 in the morning to a little after 4. He had his guy friends over gaming and he finally told me that was what he had to get things ready for. I had randomly told him I like to game too, even though I had revealed this to him when we were first getting to know each other.

He claimed I was just trying to say the right stuff and I told him I had been gaming since I was young. I did say that I’m not the best at it but I just like to play.

The next day I heard from him a little, then during the later part of the afternoon he was talking to me more. Then again he was texting me late at night while they were playing again.

Him: “You should have came and played with us”

Me: “Well I didn’t get an invitation! You’re playing again tonight?”

Him: “Yea”

Me: “Not my fault you didn’t ask me old man”

Him: “We’ll have to play one day”

Then the conversation carried on a little until I passed out. The next day he texted me during the afternoon asking what I was doing and as usual, I was cleaning on a Sunday. He said he was being lazy and that I should come take a break at his house. He then asked if I’d be able to watch a few episodes of the show we have been watching or just for a few minutes. I told him I could probably watch a few episodes before leaving.

I think this was the second Sunday we’ve ever hung out together. The last one was only because I was leaving my parents’ house and he was on my way to my house.

Now when I got there he was laying on his couch already, so I laid down in front of him and put my back against his chest. We started talking a little about what was on tv and were joking around. This was one of the times we spent together not drinking or anything. Eventually he starts the show and picks it up where we had left it off last time. When the credits were starting he made me turn to face him and made some comment about me putting my ass towards him and then he kissed me. It was fairly enough, to the point he paused the show and pulled me on top of him. He had then began to play with my breasts and eventually slowly made his way to take my bra off. Once he did that he really started fondling them at that point. Eventually we stopped kissing and he had me laying on top of him, with my head laying on his. I felt like I was hurting him so I moved down a little and put my head on his chest.

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We continued to watch the show at this point. Laughing and talking at certain points together. During this point I’d kiss on his cheek or neck because I know he likes that but also I like doing that as well. He would rub on my back and squeeze my hip from time to time. Eventually we started to kiss again and things eventually picked up some speed, he started to make me…I think the term would be “grind” against him. To the point I couldn’t take it anymore so I leaned up to his ear and whispered, “May I suck your dick sir?” And he groaned and just said, “Please.”

I made my way down and started doing that to him. As usual, it was great for him and me. I didn’t want to stop and he usually lasts for a long time, I’m talking anywhere between 15 to 30 minutes and I love that. At some point he asks if he can take my shirt off and I nod my head yes. I continue sucking his dick until he comes. When he’s finished I slide myself up and lay there in his arms. He jokingly says something like all that hard work wore him out. I laugh and say something smart back. He comments on how fast my heart is beating and I remind him what I just got done doing. We lay like that for a little while and then he starts the show back up and I roll over.

I’m still topless so he continues to play with my breasts throughout that episode finishing and then the next one started. Every now and then I’d turn my head to kiss him and he’d kiss me but then he’d turn my head back to the tv. I kept playing with him about that a few times, eventually I resumed watching the show. Since I was laying in front of him he would put his hand on my hip and rub on my side. He had the arm that was under my stretched out, so every now and then I’d play with his hand and fingers; he would do the same to me.

At some point I was facing him again and we started kissing again. I eventually reached my hand down to feel him and, not surprisingly, he was hard again. After more kissing and touching he asked if I wanted to taste him again, I said yes but kept kissing him. He put his mouth next to my ear and asked me, “Will you please suck my dick again?” I moaned a little because he knows how much that turns me on. I then whispered for him to say it again, which he did, and then I started to suck his dick again.

This whole time, like last, he’s whispering little things to me and calling me baby like usual. This time it takes him about the same amount of time, maybe closer to 15 minutes to come again. He pulls me up to him afterwards and I lay next to him on my stomach, with my arms stretched up a little. He starts to massage my neck and shoulders. I eventually put my head and his chest and we lay there like that for a little bit longer.

This had been well over two hours at this point. I tell him I should probably go soon, I grab for my bra and shirt and put them both back on. He walks me to my car then kisses me and hugs me bye. He then tells me to behave myself and I tell him to do the same.

I decided to stop by the local book store and while I was browsing I realized I never told him I made it home. When I get there I text him, he asks if I got lost and I explained where I was. He called me a nerd and joked with me.

The next day I texted him first, nothing serious just something funny about me having to deal with paint fumes, he seemed concerned a little until I explained it. But then yesterday I didn’t hear from him at all, and today is Wednesday. The day we usually hang out with each other and I still haven’t heard anything from him.

This is what I’m talking about when it comes to him. Why does he do this to me? It’s so confusing sometimes. I’m not the one to go chasing after him because I felt like last week it was weird but then over the weekend things were getting back to normal. I don’t know if he’s doing his weird, awkward post get together thing. Which I wish would just stop because that is so annoying.

I just don’t know how to take him at all, and I don’t want to burden my friends with this because I feel the two who know this get tired of me talking about him.

So I’ll just vent here in the hopes someone can answer my questions for me.

Until then…

 

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Love Triangle All Over Again

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I hadn’t realized how much time had gone by since my last post! And quite a bit has happened since then it’s kind of crazy.

After I last spoke to the Russian on my birthday we didn’t speak for about a week or so I think. Well he slowly started texting me again and on the first day he brought up the fact he still had my movies. But it was a small conversation. The next day or so we talked pretty much the whole day, at some point in the conversation he asked if I was still house hunting. Which I still am but I have to do it secretly so that makes it harder. And we continued having a conversation about various topics after that. The next day he saw me walking and sent a text basically saying “Jean day huh :)” We had a short conversation that day and then he ran into me in the mailroom, which was kind of awkward. He sent me a text saying I seemed snappy to him and I told him I wasn’t being snappy. I honestly didn’t think I was but hey, I can’t always help the tone in my voice. So that was a Friday, I didn’t talk to him over the weekend but come Monday he texted me and this is how that conversation went:

Him: “When you gonna drop by to pick up your movies and see the new crib?”

Me: “Well it’s just wenever it will be convienant for you”

Him: “Is this a brief visit or would you like to watch a flick and have a drink?”

Me: “Lol once again it is whatever is convienant for you”

Him: “I’m not the one with specific windows for escape lol”

Him: “But plan on drinks and a flick though”

Me: “Haha! Alright well this week or next?”

Him: “This”

Me: “Wednesday should work”

Him: “Alright”

Well a little later I was talking about me driving in a particular city and how I was kind of good at it.

Him: “You’re in ____? I’m going tomorrow for a check up appt.”

Me: “Yeah I came over last night. I had a meeting for work I had to be at.”

Him: “Too bad it’s not tomorrow”

Me: “And why is that?”

Him: “Oh no reason”

Me: “Oh okay lol”

Him: “Tease”

Me: “Uh how am I a tease?”

Him: “Just are”

 

So as you can imagine my surprise by all that went on in this conversation, it was not what I had been expecting. Well the next day I didn’t really hear from him. He did send me a picture of a movie he was watching, which is my favorite movie (and he knows this). So come Wednesday afternoon I hadn’t heard anything so I figured I needed to see if he was still planning on having me come over.

Me: “Should I still plan on coming by tonight?”

Him: “If you’d still like to”

Me: “Lol alright, what’s a good time?”

Him: “What you laughing at woman lol? I don’t have plans so whenever…the earlier you come, the longer we can watch the movie before you go.”

Me: “I’m laughing at you, I can probably come at like 6ish or so.”

Him: “Cool, that early…works for me. Might even get two in depending on what time you have to leave.”

Me: “I’d probably have to leave at 10:30ish.”

Well after that discussion I ran into him in a fellow employee’s office which was awkward to the extreme. My face turned red and he called me out on it when he texted me, I just played it off. So he asked me if I still planned on coming at 6 and I told him I did.

Him: “Eating before?”

Me: “Um probably not”

Him: “K I’m gonna shower and we can go get something.”

So as I’m driving to his house I have no idea what to expect or say because until this point I have not had a one on one conversation with him since we last had spent time together in November. When I get there are park my car in the garage, get out and walk to the door. He opens it and I walk into his house, he instantly leans in to give me a hug and I give one of those weird “I don’t want to really hug you hugs” where I keep my arms kind of tensed up. So he shows me around the house and all that jazz. Then he asks me about dinner, I tell him to just order me what he usually does from this restaurant and he tells me he really likes that too but doesn’t want to order two things of it. I just say well it’s whatever you want to do. So he places the order and we are sitting on the couch flipping through channels on the tv kind of wasting time. We get up to pick out the movie for the night and we have some usual banter between us, I make fun of his movie collection and he makes fun of my taste.

So when it comes time to get the food I get in his truck with him to go get. This is where the conversation gets interesting.

Him: “So do you want an explanation for what happened?”

Me: “It is really whatever at this point. I don’t really need to hear your explanation.” (When in reality of course I did).

Him: “Well it will make me feel better if I can just tell you and get that straight.”

Me: “Okay then, explain.”

Well he goes on to tell me that we were spending so much time together and that it was becoming not a matter of if we would get caught but just when and he didn’t want me to get in trouble and have drama and that he didn’t want drama. So when I asked him about us staying the night together back in November he claims he legitimately had to work on his house and that when I responded okay to him saying that he thought I was mad so he wanted me to cool off. Then he said once the weekend had gone by and he spent the entire time working he had realized we hadn’t spoken and knew I was probably mad. He then says that when I cold shouldered him in the office he realized just how pissed I was and didn’t want to make things worse by trying to explain and then I shut him down. So after he explains and says all this:

Me: “I’m not going to lie I was kind of angry with you, and while I’m glad you gave me time to get over it you should have handled it better. I’m the type of person if I feel you don’t want to speak to me then I won’t waste my time speaking to you. And I felt that way with you so I just didn’t say anything either. But I will say if you would have tried to talk to me like this earlier I probably would have been mean to you.”

So we get that out there and go get the food. We spent the ride talking about house hunting and things like that. He tells me more about his house and those plans. We get back to the house and we eat while watching tv together. He puts the channel on one of the shows he knows I really like. After we get done eating he goes to make us drinks and realizes he was out of something, so he goes and gets it real quick and comes back. He makes us drinks and we put a movie on.

Okay so we are sitting on the couch he is on one side kind of laid back with his feet up and I’m sitting in the middle of the couch with my legs tucked underneath me. As the movie starts he kind of explains a few details to me and we watch in silence. He then reaches over, grabs my hand and kisses it saying, “I have to be sweet to you.” I roll my eyes and he puts our hands down on the couch while holding my hand. Eventually we get into what I would say is our usual smart ass repertoire with each other. He then, very smoothly, playfully puts me in a headlock and then positions me to where I’m leaning against him. So I stay like that and he proceeds to play with my hair, arms and face. Well we finish our first drinks so he gets up to make more. When he comes back he repositions himself to where I’ll be laying completely back on him while he’s seated up. He then takes my hand and arm to play with it.

Him: “I didn’t think I would miss you this much.”

Me: “Oh well thanks, I guess.”

Him: “You know I don’t mean it like that. I knew I would miss you but I didn’t think hanging out like this would make me realize just how much.”

Me: “Well I’m glad then.”

He makes some joke and we laugh and continue watching the movie. Throughout the movie we would either say the same thing at certain scenes or do a hand gesture, to which he says that’s weird I don’t remember us every doing that together. I remind myself he is a charmer and to just play it off. He eventually turns my head around and brings his cheek to my lips so I kiss his cheek, which sadly I do. He then talks about the next time we will hang out and what we will have to watch.

He starts playing with my cheeks and kind of squishes them together and I tell him to stop I’ve got big cheeks and I don’t like that. He then proceeds to tell me to stop and just let him do it, I keep resisting him and then he tells me how beautiful I am and I shouldn’t be weird like this. Well he turns my head towards him and grabs my face, while squeezing my cheeks and kisses me. This is when we started slowly kissing each other more. Now then he says his usual stuff, I don’t understand why you are even attracted to me because you’re so much better looking. I just glare at him and roll my eyes to which he kisses me again. He then turns me around to rub my back and then removes my bra, he did ask if that was okay and sadly I said yes. So he proceeds to fondle me and then goes back to playing with my hair.

The movie gets closer to ending and we start to really make out again, he attempts to touch me over my pants and I don’t let him. I remind him that he has to earn that privilege all over again. He was kind of shocked by that, but I’m not going to just give that up again. So after some more kissing we watch the end of the movie. After it ends we pretty much just make out pretty heavily. Eventually we come up for air and he turns the television back on. We start talking about a particular sport that is on and some players. Some how we get on the topic of a particular celebrity and I tell him how beautiful I think she is and he gives me a crazy look and says:

“Are you serious? She is not pretty at all. You are so much prettier than her.”

Me: “Oh no don’t even, she’s gorgeous and I wish I was that pretty.”

Him: (touching my face) “Your face is so well proportioned. Beautiful cheekbones, cute nose, pretty eyes. You’re the beautiful one.”

I kind of get taken aback by this and just laugh at him.

Then one thing leads to another and I’m touching his not so little, little Russian. Then I start to perform a certain sexual act on him. I know, I couldn’t believe it was happening either. As it is progressing he is telling me the usual sweet things then at one point he’s standing and I’m kneeling in front of him and he says, “You have the most beautiful eyes.” Then I’m like oh great here we go. Well as we are continuing on the phone rings. The boyfriend is calling to see if I’m okay. I quickly answer it saying I’m still out with friends. I apologize to the Russian and I realize I probably need to go soon but he kisses me so intensely and then things resume until the finale. We kiss a lot more and then I say I’ve got to leave before I get in trouble. So we kiss bye and he tells me to text him when I make it home if I can.

I get home, tell him I made and he just tells me alright and good night.

I still can’t get over how this happened again. I honestly feel like it is either going to go two ways. One, things will go forward like before and we will eventually get back to where we were and maybe progress from there. Or two, things will go forward like before and he will pull the same stuff.

Well the day after this happened (yesterday) he sent me a screenshot of something we had talked about that night and we joked about it for a while.

He asked if I liked the movie and I said I actually did and was surprised.

Him: “Not sure you were paying attention at the end”

Me: “Well someone kept distracting me”

Him: “What?!?!”

Me: “You heard me!”

Him: “Don’t yell at me!!”

Me: “I do what I want! And you know you were distracting me”

Him: “Maybe a little”

Me: “Lol oh just a little bit?”

Him: “No idea what you’re talking about”

Me: “Is that right?!”

Him: “Yep!”

 

Then I didn’t really talk to him that night, but as it turns out he had taken his grandmother to the movies. Well before I knew that I asked him if he had liked last night:

Him: “Obviously!”

Me: “Good, just checking”

Him: “Did you?”

Me: “For lack of a better word, obviously!”

Him: “Thief”

Me: “Oh don’t hate”

After this conversation he tells me about the movie and we discuss it and all that jazz. But nothing since then not that I’m being weird about it. I’ll give him his time and see what happens but as I said earlier I can’t believe what happened did happen. I had expected to maybe kiss a little if we got to that point. What sucks is that I hadn’t realized how much I had missed him too, not just the sexual stuff but just talking about whatever and joking around. Now I’m pretty much back at square one all over again.

Now I really have to figure out not only what to do about the boyfriend situation but also what to do about myself. Thankfully I’ll be going out of town for a few days soon and can have some time to figure this stuff out, maybe. I did get my movies back though which is a plus of sorts.

Until next time! I promise not to wait so long next time!

And the Clock Keeps Ticking….

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Wow, it has been a while since I last blogged! With the craziness of the holidays, work and my birthday I think time just slipped away. Well, when we last discussed what was going on the Russian was still very random with his conversations with me. Well, the week of Christmas he spoke to me the most he has in well over a month. I unfortunately lost a close family friend over the holidays and he found out about and told me he was here for me if I needed him, which of course, I didn’t go to him for any kind of comforting. Then on Christmas day he sent me a “Merry Christmas!” text, which in response I just sent the same thing to him.

Well the next day I was off from work that afternoon and our conversation went like his:

Him: “Anyone at work today?”

Me: “I left at 12. It was literally a ghost town.”

Him: “I’m almost there.”

Me: “I went this morning and was bored out of my mind.”

Him: “I had 1 vacation day left so I figured two halves would be more bearable. I was going crazy Monday.”

Him: “Have you seen the Hobbit yet?”

Me: “I had a half day today and then I took tomorrow off.”

Me: “No I haven’t seen it yet.”

Him: “That’s right, you haven’t seen the first one huh?”

Me: “No, I think this on will be more interesting though. The other one put me to sleep.”

Him: “I’m shocked!”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “I loved the first one…and I thought you shared good movie judgment!”

Me: “I have excellent movie judgment! I guess I didn’t give it a fair chance and just fell asleep lol.”

Him: “That I can live with”

Me: “Oh I’m so relieved.”

Him: (He sends this like grumpy face emoji)

Me: (I send the sly face emoji)

Him: “Don’t give me that sly look.”

Me: “I believe I already did.”

Him: “You heard me”

Me: (I then sent my glare emoji)

Alright so that was our conversation Thursday. Now let me say in my own defense, I have an amazing taste in movies. My personal movie collection is vast and absolutely amazing. I had attempted to watch the Hobbit late one night and just all the brightness and cheerfulness of it kind of bored me a little bit. So I fell asleep. I know it probably gets better and that I’ll love it. I just wanted to clear that up!!

Well the next day he told me “Happy Birthday!!” and I just sent back a thank you text. I figured that would be that for the day. Well to my surprise it wasn’t.

Him: (He sends me this funny picture)

Me: “Hahaha that’s awesome”

Him: “Funny enough for a rare fb post lol”

Me: “Lol that’s true. Is that in town?”

Him: “Yeah ____”

Me: “Figures lol”

Him: “Reallllly funny!”

Me: “It’s pretty hilarious!”

Him: “Birthday plans?”

Me: “I haven’t really thought of anything big besides going somewhere to drink.”

Him: “We may try Sully’s and Stand.”

Me: “I haven’t been to Stand yet. Is it any good?”

Him: “Heard it was but I haven’t been inside”

Me: “I never go uptown anymore so I forget about those places.”

Him: “I’m tired of the usual places and smoke.”

Him: “_____ smoke blows”

Me: “Oh I refuse to go anywhere smoky, it’s just gross.”

Him: “Same for me”

Him: “Where do you go?”

Now at this point in the conversation I’m starting to get curious. Because we have discussed bars and hangout places early on when we were getting to know each other.

Me: “It’s been usually JJs but I got tired of it. And I cant be in smoky bars cause I’ve been sick.”

Me: “Otherwise I can kind of stand smoky places if they aren’t packed.”

Him: “Shitty choices we have”

Me: “Yep, the joys of a boring city.”

Him: “I haven’t been to that new Indian place yet.”

Me: “It’s pretty cool, the food kind of sucks.”

And that was the end of that conversation for the day. Well that night I went out for dinner and drinks with several of my friends. I had a pretty good time, lots of laughs and inappropriate jokes. The next day goes by and I go out to one of the places he mentioned he was going to the night before. I was a little weary of running into him. Especially since the boyfriend does kind of know him, not on a friend basis but just through other people. Thankfully, no run ins and the night goes on without any problems.

The next morning the boyfriend and I get up to go get breakfast. As soon as I sit down my phone goes off.

Him: “How was your bday? Where’d ya go?”

Me: “It was a good one. I just wanted to do dinner and drinks Friday, my best friend had to work the next do. And then last night I went to Sully’s.”

Him: “Sounds like a good weekend. My buddy and I went to _____ Friday night til about 10 then Stand, Sully’s and another bar. Last night I just watched the game.”

(Also, we apparently were at the same resturant Friday night. I’m not sure if he saw me or not but I didn’t see him there so he probably didn’t. Which is a shame because, not to be full of myself, but I looked smoking hot that night.)

Him: (He sends me a picture)

Me: I heard about that, didn’t a guy break something?”

Him: You didn’t see the pic I sent?”

Me: “I just did haha that looks pretty fucking painful.”

Him: “His foot is 90 degrees out of place”

Him: “Snap!”

Me: “I’m sure he immediately regretted that decision lol”

Him: “Uh yeah lol”

Me: “Lol I would like to have seen his face as that shit was happening”

Him: “He was screaming and it was flopping around”

Me: “Oh gross lol so apparently the do kick fairly hard”

Him: “We were all screaming lol it was pretty gnarly”

Me: “I would imagine so lol the idea of that makes me cringe”

And there you go people. That was about a day and a half ago, since then I haven’t heard from him. I’m not sure if he is just talking to me to be nice or if he is attempting to get back into my good graces again. In all honesty it is nice speaking to him because we had good conversations together and got on really well.

Oh and for those who have been following this saga and are wondering about my movies I still have not gotten those back, I mentioned this to my mum and she told me just to go buy some more. If you didn’t guess she is not his biggest fan at the moment.

Things with the boyfriend are exactly the same. He really upset me when I told him my family friend passed away I got pretty sad and almost started crying in public. He told me to just stop and have fun because he wasn’t ready to leave the bar yet. I finally put my foot down and said I wanted to go home that I couldn’t stay in public like this. Granted, he was kinder when we got home but just the fact he didn’t understand to just bring me home then really bothers me.

Truthfully, I know the reason I haven’t just left him is because I’m simply terrified of being alone. It is such a petty fear but it is very true. Who wants to be alone? Plus, I obviously have terrible judgment when it comes to men.

Since the holidays are finally over I can keep everything more up to date than I have been! Until then, take care and have a Happy New Year!!