Just Don’t Know What to Do.

Why does it seem things always have to become so damn hard?

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When the Russian wanted me back, he made all these huge gestures and made big statements about love and us. Then it seemed around February it changed. I’m not sure if he got too comfortable, we moved too fast too soon, he is unsure or if I’m overthinking everything. After the holidays and my birthday things were just amazing. He told me he loved me on a regular basis, complimented me, talked to me and was always reassuring if I ever had questions or worries.

He finally had surgery for his back, that recovery time was hard because he basically lived with me for a month. I am so use to having my space at some point so we would bicker every now and then. I will say some of that could be blamed on me. He was always around and I was always having to cater to him, which in turn got to be exhausting because in my mind he should still be catering to me. Especially since I never did anything wrong.

When his house was finally finished he moved in and I became a little sad. In a sick way, as much as I wanted my own space I still wanted to see him and talk to him very day. So I became paranoid he’d go back to how he was before, and I’d never really see him. Then he’d just forget about me.

It just seems like lately we have been arguing so much more. I’m trying to change certain things or fix things, but it sometimes seems like it is not enough. He hasn’t told me he loves me in a month. Which I had finally brought up to him in an argument. Part of me wonders if I’m trying to push him away, or maybe he is trying to push me away. He doesn’t include me in as much anymore. He will say things like, “We don’t have to be so formal anymore.” Or, if he’s doing work at his business or home, instead of asking me to help he basically implies I should be a better girlfriend and just offer. But I never know what he’s doing. And previously, even when we weren’t officially dating, he would ask me to help and I always did.

He’s also starting to become controlling again. And mean. Very, very mean. He nitpicks on me for almost any and everything. The way I ask questions, give my opinion, drive, take care of my contacts, or whatever else he can think of he will tell me how I’m doing it wrong. What bothers me the most about that is he will now tell me, if I ask if he’s sure he wants this or me, is he tells me I’m being either insecure, needy or need to much reassurance and by me being that way pushes him away.

I just don’t know what to do at this point. Do I leave him and this relationship? Do I take a break? Do I give up all hope? I can’t stay in this weird limbo anymore and I certainly cannot bring it up to again or else I’ll get “in trouble” like a child.

We had a decent weekend together. Spent more time together from Thursday to last night than we have in almost two weeks. I’ll have to talk about that more later. I’m just so frustrated and confused. I have no one else I can really talk to about this anymore. My mom wants me to just leave him as she can’t stand him or the way he’s been treating me anymore. I’m somewhat mad at my best friend since she won’t be supportive or anything anymore even though I was there for her relationship problems. And we all know I can’t talk to him.

 

So what now?

Things Change, But Do They Change Forever?

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I wish I had posted my draft post I had been working on the weekend after Thanksgiving. Mainly because some serious shit went down and it has turned into this funny but amazing moment that I can’t wait to share with you all! So let me take you back to the week of Thanksgiving, about three weeks ago I believe. The Russian and I had seen each other a few times. We cooked at my house then he asked me the next day to help with stuff at his new house. Everything was fine and dandy really. He had been acting a lot more like a “boyfriend” and wanting to be around me. So things had kind of been getting better.

The night before Thanksgiving I spent with some friends and we went out. The next day was Thanksgiving and we kind of chit-chatted back and forth. That night he went shopping and picked up a movie for me all on his own. I was a little surprised but happy. I had been telling my close friends I planned on talking to him about where this was going and what this even was. Well, come Friday he never asked to see me or really seem to want to talk to me. I had gone to talk to my therapist that afternoon, I just started to see her, and she really hit home with me about a few things.

She actually had me read the old English poem, “The Spider and the Fly” while I was in my session. It really hit home with me in so many ways. Talking to her kind of made it clear to me the Russian was playing with me for his own benefit and that I needed to honestly end things with him. Well, late that night he ended up calling me asking if I would come pick him up from the bar. I was going to but he ended up driving to my house. We watched a movie, he passed out drunk on my couch and then when we went to my bed at around 5 am we had sex.

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Here is when things get rough. That morning, we fooled around a little then were lying in bed together. He was looking through his phone and I just so happened to see a particular girl’s name on his phone. The one who had been seeing him before me, and the same one he had been texting a few months ago. I instantly rolled away to put my panties back on, while doing so I let out a weird laugh and started to shake my head. He instantly was like, “She’s just a friend and I can text who I want. You shouldn’t be looking at my phone anyways.” I just nodded my head. He instantly changes the subject and starts to talk to me about his house. The last thing I even cared to hear about at that point. He then says he wants to show me some new stuff he put up in the house and I agree to go. Stupid me. While I was getting ready he let me dog out, but told me I had some packages outside. He brought them in of course. I knew what they were but didn’t open them.

As we are driving to his house he asks me what came in the mail. I just shrugged and said, “Nothing, stuff I have to send back.” He looked at me and asked me again what it was. I said the same thing so he says back, “Is it something you got for Christmas but now don’t want to give it to someone?” I nodded my head and just said, “Yep.” We get to his house and he’s showing me around and all that. He mentions something and then that’s when I basically lost it. After a long conversation, and him telling me again that he told me he had already said he didn’t have those feelings for me and that he didn’t believe I actually loved him cause I allowed him to keep seeing me I just went into full on bitch mode. I told him that the only reason I allowed him in my life after the first break up was because I am in love with him and want to be with him. But since he has told me this I no longer wanted him in my life and that our relationship was no longer beneficial to me. He did not like that. He then tried to say he wanted us to still be friends and I told him that would not be happening as he is now my official ex and I never speak to my exes.

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I also told him I would no longer be his “support system” and he could have one of his other girls do that for him. I also said I didn’t care about updates on his life, business or anything else. A lot more was said from me but it’s a lot. I finally stopped allowing him to back-peddle and put blame on me. Well, the funny part is we rode together so he had to bring me back to my house. That was a fun car ride. He kept asking me about my thoughts on his house, I finally busted out laughing and said, “Seriously? I don’t give two shits what you do. Ask someone else who cares.” He instantly got all upset and said he was sorry and maybe he was just an asshole, “You are an asshole, be honest with yourself,” was my response. We get to my house and he asks if I can give him a hug or if I was just going to leave. I gave him a half-assed hug then told him I needed my key back.

I jumped out of his car and never looked back. I immediately called my closest friends to let me know what happened and to get comfort from them. It was a rough few days. I had finals coming up and work was going to be hectic. Well, three days after that conversation he sends me a text, “Hey just wanted to say I’m still here if you need anything and good luck on your finals.” I never responded to that. And those that have followed this since the beginning know that I have never gone without responding to him. I held strong and continued doing schoolwork. After several days without real sleep I was exhausted and grumpy.

Come Saturday of that same week he sends me another text, “Thinkin about ya…hope you’re doing well :)” to which I never responded again. I had more school stuff to do and stayed focus. Well, come Monday he sends me another text while I was working out. “Miss my ace in the hole trim painter right now :/” I had never felt stronger before. Instead of thinking about missing him, I laughed and thought, I’m sure you do since I did so much shit for you willingly and without complaint.

The next night some friends of mine offered to take me out for dinner and drinks to celebrate finals being done. I hadn’t been out in a while like that so I got all dolled up. It was a great night, he didn’t cross my mind and I got roaring drunk. Which made work even more fun the next day. On Thursday I went to work and then worked out afterwards. I was doing stuff at my house when my FaceBook messenger went off. Well, after two weeks this is when I became weak:

Him: Not sure if you blocked my cell but I hope you’re doing okay :/

(I waited about 30 minutes)

Me: Didn’t block you. Been super busy with finals.

Him: How’d they go

Me: I’ll be finished tomorrow. Then I’ll know for sure.

Him: Well good luck! I’m sure it’ll turn out well. I feel so much better getting a response can’t even tell you

Me: Why do you feel better?

Him: I won’t get into it tonight before your final. I’ll let you study but I hope it goes well

Me: Okay

So the cynic in my mind is thinking he just wants to make sure I’ll answer so he can get the rest of his stuff from me or whatever. I don’t think much about it after that. The next day I’m at work starting my day when my phone goes off and who can it be? The Russian.

Him: Good luck! 🙂

Me: Thanks

Him: Will you let me know when you’re done with your final?

Me: It’s just a paper. I’ve already written it so I just have to edit it then submit.

Him: Oh cool

Him: I’m putting my last fixture together and the have to meet the inspector at 11. Can we talk after that?

Me: Um sure, what about?

Him: I’d rather tell you in person

Me: Is this something bad?

Him: I don’t think so. It could be bad for me but not you

Me: Bad for you? Is it gonna upset me or anything like that? If it’s something like that a call would be better to be honest.

Him: I really don’t think so

Me: Alright. Well where do you want to meet?

Him: I can drive over if that’s ok

Me: Okay, my lunch is 12 to 1.

Him: Oh you’re working today too?

Me: Yeah, I had to.

Him: Would you rather wait till you get off?

Me: I have an event to go to for work at 7 tonight.

Him: Ok well I’ll meet you at your house at 12?

So this all happens at around 10 that morning. My stomach was literally sick the rest of the morning. To be honest, I was expecting him to tell me he had met someone else and just wanted to be honest with me about it. Then get the rest of his stuff from my house. Well, he texts me a little before 12 to ask if he could pick me up food and I said yes.

I get to my house before him and that’s basically when everything changed.

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Really Need Some Help

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I know it’s been a long time since my last post and I’m sorry. Life has been hectic and a lot has been going on for me. But at this point in time I could really use some opinions and help. I’m still with the Russian and we’ve been doing the typical couple things, like taking trips together, spending basically every single day together and making decisions. I should probably start off by saying the past month has been hardest for the Russian and I. We’ve been arguing more with each other about little things and I know most of it is my fault. I made the biggest mistake and I shouldn’t have even thought about it. I went through his phone and I found something that I can’t let go of no matter what I try.

This happened after he got extremely drunk and had been pretty rude to me before he passed out. When he was completely out I decided to just look at his phone, not intending to even find anything but of course, I did. I happened to find this app called “Sbox” and it was password protected, it was the same password to get into his phone. When I put that in all my feelings changed. He still had a lot of the pictures I had sent him a while back, but he also had pictures of another girl he didn’t date but had pictures together on social media. She also has a boyfriend now. I know the pictures are old because some are before mine but the others are mixed with mine. I didn’t even know what to think or feel at that moment. I’m a pretty open person and porn doesn’t bother me, I would have much preferred him having looked at porn than keeping these photos.

It isn’t something I’ve brought up to him yet, mainly because I don’t know if I should or even how. Since seeing that it’s made it almost hard for me to have any trust in him anymore. I don’t know what to do because even he has noticed how I’ve been different. He picks up his phone to text or it goes off and my anxiety levels just go up. I now am just afraid maybe he’s cheating on me or doing something he shouldn’t. We got into a pretty big disagreement almost two weeks ago. I used the wrong word when describing our relationship and made him think I didn’t view this as a serious relationship. I had to apologize a million times to him and do all these things to make up for it. Which, I get I hurt his feelings and it wasn’t intentional at all but he never apologized for when he hurt me back at the beginning of the year. I even brought that up and it was like I should realize he was in a rough place and should just forget about it.

Now there’s like a wall between us. From his back pain and mood swings causing me to not feel wanted to now all this I don’t know what to do. I want to be with him and when we are our normal selves everything is perfect but I can’t help having these terrible feelings. I just need help with what to even do. So any opinions would be greatly appreciated. I can give more details if it’s necessary but I just had to get this little bit out first.

Going Forward in Many Ways Pt. 1

The past two weekends were actually a very good one if I do say so myself. Which was a surprise to me considering how my Russian was acting a few weeks back. Two Fridays ago during the day the Russian asked me what I wanted to do that night. I took it as maybe he wanted to do something different so I suggested a date night. Well he was accepting but then with certain time limitations we decided a date night would have to wait but we could just cook at my place and hang out. I had just finished getting myself put together when he got to my house. He then informed me we had been invited to Fred’s house to drink and just hang out. I had to change since my inside clothes would not have allowed me to survive in the coldness outside.

We picked up our own drinks and headed to Fred’s house. We were there for just a few hours, we had already agreed to just stay for a little while. Neither one of us wanted to run the risk of drinking too much and driving even though I had already been nominated for DD if we stayed late. When we left we picked up some food and went back to my house. That night we drank, watched movies and just had a pretty fun time together. He was talkative about different things and as it got later we both decided it was time for bed. He’s starting to cuddle with me more at night now which is really nice. That night he actually cuddled me and stayed more on my side than his. He was pretty playful with me before bed. Before I took my pants off he proceeded to smack my ass and then he took his belt off. He playfully spanked me with it and I responded with, “Don’t tease a girl with a good time.” Well he really started to spank me with it, then after I had taken my jeans off he actually spanked me with it. Uh, ouch but hot.

The next morning he woke up very early and then woke me up by placing my hand on his dick. Needless to say he got a BJ and then we went back to sleep. At some point he switched ends of the bed but was still lying next to me, I woke up and start scratching his legs and feet to fall back asleep. Well, he was still completely naked under the covers and he let me know it. I started giving him another BJ and then he asked me to get us a condom. We had sex, of course I was on top again, but he was more involved and attentive. I managed to actually have a few orgasms before he came. Afterwards we both showered and got dressed. I was expecting him to leave since he had his guys’ night later. Surprisingly he wanted to stay. So I made us lunch and he stayed till almost 7 p.m., we watched Hulu the entire time and cuddled on the couch. We didn’t even do anything sexual, just laid on the couch holding each other and talking.

The next day was the BBQ and so I got up Sunday morning to start making brownies. I was a little nervous I guess that the Russian would cancel on me, especially the last time he drank with this friend he had a very long hangover. But surprisingly he texted me to make sure I was up and then he came over. We got everything together and went to the BBQ. It actually was really fun, the man my Russian is friends with is actually a genuinely really nice guy. He made me feel really welcomed and was a great host. His family that was there were all nice and we had a pretty fun afternoon. We left after a few hours and went to the Russians. I helped him rearrange his furniture, clean and other things. I had offered earlier in the week to upload my Hulu account on his Xbox if he wanted me to (he already has my Netflix) so he asked if I would do that while I was there. I did and we started a new show he’s been addicted to that I really like too. He fixed us some ice cream and we just vegged out for a few hours. We fooled around for a little bit, I honestly wasn’t in the mood to give him a BJ because I was just tired from moving things. I ended up giving one but I wouldn’t fully deep throat him like he loves. Well, I actually wanted him to beg for it because I was just feeling sassy.

He ended up literally begging for it and he knew that’s what I wanted. Afterwards we laid on the couch for a while and then I headed home. I actually brought up the lack of foreplay on my part during one of our hangouts this week. It benefited me later on actually, which was really nice.

Tuesday he came over and we actually cooked together for the first time. We talked the entire time and it was funny watching him cook since he has openly admitted to never cooking before. It was a good meal and afterwards he did the dishes while I picked up the kitchen. I was so surprised he actually offered to hand wash the dishes. When my ex and I cooked he would never help with the dishes. He’d halfway help me cook and then dump everything in the sink for me. Another great reason I’m glad I left that man-child.

We started watching our show again after eating and I guess the Russian thought something was wrong with me. I was just being quiet and to myself which I’m sure threw him off. He kept asking what was wrong and why I was quiet and not fidgeting with him. I tend to fidget with my hand a lot so I’m always either scratching him or massaging him to not pick on my hair or hands. So he basically put himself all over me so I would fidget with him and he was doing some pretty cute things to get me to fidget. He’d lean back against me and rub his face against mine like and cat then say, “Are you gonna make me beg just for you to fidget?!” I gave in and he seemed relieved. We actually had a rare singing night. Somehow we just started listening to music and he began to sing for me. I don’t really think I have a good voice, I can harmonize really well but it’s just not my thing. Well he was really getting into it but also trying to teach me to sing higher and louder. Surprisingly, he liked me voice and thought it was really good. After a few hours of this we finally went to bed.

After joking around with each other in my bathroom, meaning he peed while I was in there and then wouldn’t leave until I went to the bathroom. Which was weird for me because I’m just an oddball. He slept on my side of the bed that night and we cuddled together the entire night. The next morning I tried to get up for work but he pulled me down to him and held me for a while longer. Then things got frisky, and in the end he got an extremely long blow job. That day was my weekly girls’ night so we did talk during the day and then that night we stopped. I figured it was because of that, he did send me a funny video on FaceBook later that night.

The next day he asked how the night went and all that. He did actually manage to ask me early in the day if I wanted dinner with him. We had a nice meal and then watched a movie at my house. We’re actually starting to watch some old gangster movies, since he hasn’t ever really watched them and bought this giant collection. During the movie he actually was extremely affectionate with me and we didn’t even drink that night. At some point he rearranged himself and pushed me to sit up so he could massage my back. After he did that for a while he leaned me back against him and just held me like that for a long time. Then eventually he was lying across my lap so I could rub his back for him. He’d keep asking for me to kiss on him or just to touch him. It was definitely odd for me to have him act this way. He also asked how we would be able to watch our favorite show when it comes back on, Game of Thrones, then suggested one of us get HBO again and we just split the cost. I was a little surprised just because this is somewhat of future planning but I agreed to it. He had decided to leave after the movie had ended but it was still fairly early. I was a little annoyed and disappointed with him, but it made sense and I got over it later. He did actually remember to let me know he was home but he knew I was annoyed so we didn’t talk any further.

Onto this past weekend….

Why Can’t I….You Know. Part One.

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I feel like discussing more on this feeling I have of being scared of being in love. Things haven’t taken a turn for the worst or anything dear readers, if anything, over this weekend things progressed and have gotten better. Well, except for my lack of reaching orgasms.

I started a new job yesterday and while I’m happy and excited for it, I’m still unsure of things. I have a house note I must pay so I need to work, just the work I’ll be doing is kind of stressful because if I don’t produce then I won’t be getting paid that well. Oh the joys of having the degree I have in this city.

Back to the Russian! He keeps on surprising me over these last few weeks. We had some very intense and serious talks last week in regards to his health and his worries with life. I really appreciate when he’s more open with my about these things, it helps me feel more stable with the relationship.

Last week we spent a fair amount of time together. His other Valentine’s gift came in on Tuesday and I happened to be off that day. So he came over to my house to watch it with me. He brought over a ton of food so we actually wouldn’t have to leave the house for dinner that night as well. It was a fun night together. We ate, talked, drank and cuddled together the entire afternoon and night. Also, apparently I had a little too much attitude that day because he literally spanked the hell out of me a few times. One of my ass cheeks is still a little bruised. I’m not complaining since I basically asked for it. He spent the night with me that night. We fell asleep on my couch but at around 2 am he woke me up and brought me to bed. We slept together and he got a morning surprise that was so good he was texting me on my way to work about it.

We talked a lot off and on that day. He had a family thing he tried to plan that night that completely fell through so we just talked that night. Thursday he asked me over for lunch and also for, well, a BJ. I took a long lunch that day and we spent some time together beforehand, then during I’d say it lasted at least 45 minutes. I’m definitely getting better at deep throating him and it’s driving him nuts. The only time my gag reflex even shows up is when I’ve gone all the way down, go back to the top and try to go back down again. Sometimes I can do it successfully with no issue and other times I have issues with it. After about the third time it causes me to gag. Of course, he enjoys when I do gag since it reminds him of his size.

The Russian actually got me my very own king size bed for my house. I have been really wanting one but haven’t gone through with it, well the opportunity came up and he gave me one. Thursday after work I met him and we loaded it up to bring over to my house. He was a little down on himself when I got there to help because his back was really bothering him. After we talked a little bit he seemed to be in a better, more playful mood. We got the bed unloaded and set up at my house. He helped me move my old bed into one of my spare rooms too which was nice. After all those chores he fixed us a drink and we finally sat on my couch to relax and watch the last of the Harry Potter movies. We actually didn’t do much that night out of the ordinary. At about midnight I asked him if we could go to bed and so he basically carried me to bed. Now that I have such a large bed he can’t complain about sleepovers anymore!

Over the weekend he actually had a “guy’s weekend” with some local friends since a few of his best friends would be coming from out of town. Since Friday was my last day of work and I was a little upset about a few things he asked if I’d come over after I left to help him do some things at his place. I left on my last day fairly early so I went over to his place, we went and had a late lunch then ran a few errands in order to get things he needed. We probably spent five or more hour just organizing, packing, cleaning and moving things at his place. A surprise BJ did happen at one point but that isn’t a shocker.

We weren’t really keeping track of time because then one of his guy friends showed up and it surprised us. I gathered my stuff to leave but the Russian told me I could stay and visit. Well a second guy showed up and I hung out with them for another hour or so. They already knew things about me which I take as a good thing. It shows the Russian has been talking about me. I went ahead and got food the Russian and I since we hadn’t eaten yet. I ate with them and then shortly after that I told him I needed to go. I hadn’t been home all day and my poor dog was lonely. Plus, I wanted to shower and get out of my work clothes. This was close to 10 p.m. and guy night was basically starting. He walked me to my vehicle, kissed and hugged me goodbye and thanked me for all my help that day.

That night he sent me a little text about something I forgot and we joked a little but then I passed out. The next day I woke up a little late but then I got surprised. He asked me what I was doing that afternoon:

Him: “We’re gonna eat at 1 at Dave’s then go to the exhibit show if you feel like going”

(My city had a weekend show/exhibit)

Me: “Sure, do you want me to meet you at Dave’s or at the exhibit?”

Him: “Whichever you feel like. I know Dave’s is short notice. But _____’s wife is going btw”

Me: “Okay, I can probably make Dave’s”

Him: “Okay cool, the one in _____.”

Me: “That’s what I thought.”

So I basically rushed myself into finishing getting ready and then driving over to that area for lunch. Plus, this was my moment to meet his actual best friend. Lunch was fun, Dave’s is a fairly laid back place. We took our time eating and just talking for at least an hour or so. After, the other guy’s wife left and we all rode in one vehicle to the exhibit. That was a lot of fun. We ran into some of his family there and chatted with them for a bit. Going in and out of different exhibits was when we had the most fun. His friends and I joked the whole time together and the Russian was loving it. He got a little “handsy” a few times but I didn’t mind.

Afterwards they brought me back to my vehicle and the Russian kissed me goodbye. His friends told me bye and that it was nice meeting me. That night I didn’t plan on hearing from him, it was a man weekend after all, but he did surprise me.

Him: “Had fun?”

Me: “I really did, thank you for inviting me 🙂 did you have fun?”

Him: “Yep it was a good time”

Him: “I wanted to throw you in a bathroom (sly emoji face)”

Me: “Oh really?”

Him: “One of those would be fun to have”

Me: “Oh they definitely would be. Everyone would know what was going on if you threw me in a bathroom btw…it did cross my mind a few times though”

Him: “Yeah it would be obvious”

Him: “Could get a few strokes in if you had on short shorts or a dress”

Me: “Very true, if I had those on we’d have really been in trouble”

The conversation went a little further but you get the gist. He texted me off and on much later that night. Quoting movies to me and wanting to know what I did that night.

To be continued….

Terrified of the Loving Feelings.

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Why is love such a scary feeling? I’m absolutely terrified of allowing myself to love the Russian. In fact, I’m so terrified just writing this down makes my chest get tight and my breathing speed up. Is it I’m afraid he won’t ever feel the same way? Or, is it because I’m scared that the love will run out like it did with my previous relationship and then what? I know the reasons why everything failed in my past relationship. We moved things way too fast, we didn’t take the time to really get to know each other, we weren’t compatible at all sexually and I was so young. Love when you’re 19 is different than love when you’re more of a grown up.

Valentine’s Day did show me the Russian definitely cares for me and I think to myself he is falling in love with me. He completely surprised me this weekend, which was a really great thing. We didn’t see each other Friday night, which was fine since I had seen him three days in a row and had a sleepover. Saturday he woke up early to tell me “Happy Valentine’s Day” and we chatted the rest of the day. I had spent some time with my family since they came to my city for a day. I did some shopping and got a few gifts from my mom for this “special” day. The Russian was very curious who I was spending time with but never really asked me what I wanted to do for that night. Well as I was heading to my house he asked where I was and when I’d be home. I told him I had finished shopping and was heading home.

My best friend had called me to talk about her date the night before and catch up on things. As I pulled into my drive way I looked under my carport and there was my Russian sitting in his truck. I immediately tell my best friend he’s there and I’ll call her back. He helped me unload my car but wouldn’t let me come near his truck. I had gotten him an additional gift but it was in my front seat. As he unloaded the trunk of my car I darted inside. The remains of me making his surprise laid on my coffee table so I scrambled to clean everything up and tuck this away.

After unloading everything he went back to his truck then came inside with flowers and gifts. I was completely shocked and couldn’t stop smiling. He gave me three, long-stemmed red roses that I put in the vase he had made for me. The gift was a new blu-ray player that streams Netflix and Hulu for my room. He knew I had been bringing the one he got me for Christmas back and forth from the living room. He instantly went and set it up for me in my room. He also got me a pint of my favorite ice cream and some candy he knows I love.

For him I made him some “coupons” ranging from me making him dinner to sexual activities. I did include some blank ones he can use for whatever he likes. I also got the newest season of his favorite show, it comes out officially tomorrow so he has to wait but he knows about it. Then I got him a small cookie cake that said “Be Mine” on it. He seemed to really like everything and got a kick out of the coupons. He told me he was thinking of us doing something a little different than normal but wanted to see how I’d feel about it. He said we could eat dinner earlier than normal, start drinking a lot earlier than normal that would allow us to get really drunk (he said it would be his way of making up for disappointing me Thursday night) and watch some romantic movies. He brought over the only romantic movies he owns and we watched both of them.

It actually was a very fun afternoon and night. He got a surprise blow job early in the afternoon. We were sitting on my couch talking and joking with each other while waiting to get food. At some point he jokingly put my hand down his pants to mess with him. I did for a little bit then stopped. He dragged me to the hallway in my home where we stood together and made out quite heavily and passionately. At some point his pants were unzipped and his dick was out. He wasn’t expecting a full BJ but he was so responsive and I was pretty focused on doing a good job. He came pretty quickly and then we went to eat. We had a really nice meal and talked with each other for a long time. He told me about an incident that had happened with his mom that upset him. I like that he opens up to me about issues and we can talk through it.

I should mention the whole time he was with me in my house and at the restaurant he couldn’t keep his hands off me. I had been wearing these leggings that are a favorite of his and apparently make my ass irresistible. He took a lot of pleasure in slapping it or spanking me if I was “mouthing off” to him. I won’t lie, I basically was asking for it after the first few times he did it. Mainly by egging him on or saying he couldn’t make it hurt if he tried. FYI, a backhand to the ass is quite painful…but also quite the turn on too.

He was upset that his grandmother called his mom to ask if she wanted to do something for Valentine’s Day, his grandmother is a widow and his mother is single. His mom told her no apparently. He was a little upset because he thought she should do something with her since they both don’t have plans. He then told me he had thought about taking all of us to dinner but didn’t want to ruin the day for me. I did tell him I would have been perfectly okay with that but he said he knew it wouldn’t work well. She also had made some comments last week about the way he had treated me (she thought he was being mean and mistreating me) so he told her that’s why he doesn’t bring me around a lot because of this happening. It was a lot for him and I felt bad because he does have a kind heart, he just wants everyone to be happy but takes it hard when it doesn’t happen.

Once we got back to my house we put in the first movie and started drinking. It was such a fun night we literally spent the entire time talking, laughing, goofing off, kissing and just cuddling with each other. It was so nice because he’d just grab my face to kiss me and he’d hold me against him while rubbing me. He did unintentionally hurt my feelings with the way he said something but he instantly explained himself and pulled me back against him. We ate the entire cookie cake while sitting on the couch together. He told me what his actual favorite cookies are so I know what to do for his birthday. It was so nice for us to be completely relaxed with each other but keep things interesting and no weird or awkward moments. I was so shocked with the PDA he was giving me but I loved every moment of it.

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We both achieved the goal of getting extremely drunk. We passed out on my couch together. He was holding me just like he use to and wouldn’t let me move if I tried to or if I wiggled around. Eventually at about 6 am we went to my room to actually sleep, that didn’t happen of course. Once we were both in bed and holding each other we started to both get turned on. I made my way down to give him another blow job, this one lasted a long time. He was back to trying to touch me and feel me. I wouldn’t let him and that drove him crazy. Mainly I was just trying to stick by what he said but also because I knew I’d be starting soon and if we had sex he’d make me start early. He kept begging me to go get a condom for him and I kept just shaking my head no. This drives him insane, completely insane.

After what I’d say was an hour of me sucking him and deep throating him, something we’ve discovered I can finally do well, he is now interested in seeing if and for how long he can, as he says, fuck my throat. It depends on how much I’ve deep throated him if he will be able to thrust his hips up or me just lightly move my head up and down. He pulled me up at one point so fast, slid my panties to this side and looked me very fiercely in the eyes. He kept his eye contact while he slid himself into me. I instinctively started to ride him in the way that makes me have an orgasm. Of course, him being inside me bare like that made him feel too close to orgasming so he pulled me off and wanted me to continue the BJ. I almost started but I saw I had bled on him some and told him I did. He was surprised I had started but I reminded him that I warned him earlier and he just told me to go grab a condom. I stopped and asked if he was sure, he then proceeded to push me off the bed, slap my ass and told me to hurry.

He put the condom on and I proceeded to getting on top of him and riding him. If I can be honest readers, I’m having a hard time reaching and having an orgasm with the Russian. I had seen something a while back from before we were exclusive, I know I shouldn’t care, but that really rubbed me the wrong way. Add in the fact he told me previously he was confused with his feelings and spiritual aspects have me all in my head when we are having sex. I don’t know if he’s aware of his or not yet. Well, the combination of a long blow job and the way I was riding him caused him to cum quicker than he expected. He even told me it was my fault since he was trying his hardest not to. He did take care of me afterwards and with him rubbing my clit gave me three orgasms. It took a little time though but once I have the first one the others continue to come a lot easier.

After he showered and I cleaned up we laid back down and attempted to sleep again. I passed out and slept some but when he doesn’t sleep well it wakes me up, so I would scratch his head, arms or back to help him relax. During one of these moments he rolls over a little, takes underwear off and put my hand on his cock. It shouldn’t have surprised me that he was hard. I gave him another long blow job, but this time we spent more time with me practicing deep throating and allowing him to thrust into my throat. I will say it got easier the more he did it but I did have moments I had to pull back. I kind of experimented with him being a little rougher with me. You know, telling him if he wanted me take it all he should be more forceful about it and other things like that. He told me he wanted to but was afraid of scaring me, I told I would let him know if it was getting too far. Once he came again he held me in bed for another 30 minutes or so. It was after 12 when we finally crawled out of bed. He actually surprised me and ended up spending the afternoon with me.

We laid on my couch and watched Netflix for several hours. At around dinner time he used one of coupons for me to go pick up food for us. He paid of course but didn’t want to leave the house. He left later that night so we could both shower and get ready for the dreaded Monday coming up.

It was a great weekend and the moments we had together really made me fall for him more. Which just scares me. Is it crazy or dumb of me to love this man? I really think he may finally be falling for me and I really want him to because I could maybe relax about all of this. I won’t tell him my feelings until we talk about his again. Is it bad I wish I’d have talked to him about it while we were drinking heavily? I know I would have gotten an honest answer from him about it.

At least this year for Valentine’s I actually had a man that wanted to do something and surprised me. That was a first in almost three years. I think back to last year when he revealed to me that he wanted to do something with me but wasn’t sure it would be possible for me to get away for the night. What a difference a year makes, huh?

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Feelings and What? Pt. Two

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I didn’t text him or anything when I got home. I just did things around my house and tried to keep myself busy. Well, surprise surprise, he started to text me. He was asking about my interview the next day and if I planned on doing a half day for work. I definitely got the feeling he was digging for me to keep the conversation with him. I wasn’t putting a ton of effort in my responses back.

Him: “Ted (creep from work) asked me, ‘How did you convince (me) to go out with the lowly likes of you lol’”

Me: “Seriously? What a creep.”

Him: “I didn’t answer…he put lol but still”

Me: “That’s just rude, he’s probably jealous you didn’t ask him out lol”

Him: “Gross…disturbing”

Me: “I know lol it still is so rude he even said that”

Thinking back to that it makes me wonder if maybe this “Ted” guy and his comment made the Russian stop to think about things. Ted had asked me out a few times before, when I had just ended my relationship, but I was never interested. He is the definition of creepy. I had told the Russian about him so he knows about him; it was funny to us because he works for the company we worked for.

Well, we talked basically that entire night. He was flirty with me and kept the conversation going himself. Well, I had my interview the next day and it went really, really well. He made sure to text me an hour or so after it to ask me how it went. We talked for a little bit and the conversation ended.

That was until he asked me out for a date that night. I was pretty surprised he wanted to see me, but it was nice he wanted us to go on an actual date. He told me the plans were for dinner and a movie that night. When he came over it was still fairly early, we decided on a later movie so we could eat beforehand and not be rushed. When I opened the door for him he instantly went in for a hug, I returned one but kept my butt poked out. As usual he put his hand on my lower back and pushed me against him. We had one drink before we left and sat at my kitchen table to just talk. He told me I looked extremely hot, which was the point, then when we saw the time we both agreed it was time to go. He grabbed my jacket and helped me put it on, which was a first for him to do. Of course, after he put it on me he slapped my ass.

He opened my doors, car and buildings, for everywhere we went. On the way to the restaurant he told me he was glad I had wanted to see him, especially with him being weird right now but that he really wanted to see me. When we got to the restaurant we were seated pretty quickly. He knows what I like to eat so he ordered an appetizer for us and then ordered our meal. We both agreed we’d want popcorn at the theater so we shared an entrée, plus I don’t eat large portions and he knows this. Over dinner we talked about all kinds of topics, it felt a lot like a date. It was nice to have that moment and kind of refocused everything. When he walked us to the truck he of course opened my door and once again, slapped my ass. So much for backing off the physical things huh?

After dinner we still had about 40 minutes till the movie, the theater is across the city so we took a long way to the theater and just listened to music together while playing with each other. It was really nice to have him flirting with me again and make me feel just genuinely wanted. He made me promise him I wouldn’t let him eat all the popcorn once we got into the movie, because we both tend to start really snacking if we have to wait a while before it starts. Once we were seated for the movie I put the popcorn on the other side of me so it was out of his reach. The theater actually filled up pretty quickly to our surprise. The movie itself was a very good one, we both really enjoyed it. During the movie he would put his hand on my knee and stroke it, he’d also fidget some until I would touch his hand or his arm. Of course, I was wearing tights so he hand to move his hand every now and then because it got hot pretty quickly.

The movie ended fairly late but he wanted to come inside my house afterwards. I wasn’t sure what to say but I let him in and I proceeded to sit on one side of the couch with my legs tucked under me but turned away from him. He sat beside me, turned the tv and we just talked for a while. Eventually he laid his head in my lap like he use to do, this time however I did not instantly rub his head or touch him. This I’m pretty sure bothered him because he’d reach up to touch me. Eventually he made me lay across his chest but still was able to keep his head in my lap. I laid like that but didn’t touch him or anything. Even though he was extremely hard and made sure to…make it move because he knows I like that. He was pretty persistent with touching me and being a little frisky but I kept telling him no and pushing his hand away. Eventually I’m sitting on top of him as we continue this game of cat and mouse. He got my bra off but I remained fully clothed. Well, as I’m sitting there we actually just joke and play together. He makes me play the airplane game with him, where I balance my stomach on his feet, and then a bunch of other different ways. It was actually fun for me and really reminded me of the old Russian. Well as he brings me back to sitting on his lap he pulls me down to him and proceeds to really kiss me.

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He hasn’t just kissed me or made out with me in a long time so this was a big weakness for me. We kissed for a rather long time which was just amazing. At some point I sit myself up and he then proceeds to touch my breasts under my shirt, then he proceeds to suck on them. Well after a few seconds I regain my strength and lean back. He grabs my legs and puts my feet on his chest. Somehow I accidently hit his member and I immediately touched it and told him I was sorry. It didn’t hurt him because he was harder than a rock. Well he then asks me if I’d kiss it better. I get quiet and kind of look away.

Me: “You told me you didn’t want to do this anymore, I’m trying to respect your wishes.”

Him: “I know what I said and I probably shouldn’t have said all that. It isn’t that I don’t want you, I can’t help myself when you’re near me.”

Him: “I’ve had a really great time tonight so far, it’s been so much fun.”

Me: “I completely agree. Tonight really reminded me of the old you and I really liked it.”

I probably forgot to mention that he’s been getting deeper into his religion and has been reading about pre-marital sex and that’s a big reason why he wanted to take a big step back from the sexual things. Which I agreed with and said okay to doing because I felt it was important to further this relationship.

I told him that by him being this was really confused me because I want to do the date nights and then have nights together like this too. But I was trying to respect his wishes and not be all about the physical things. I asked him if the only reason he wanted me around was for this (hooking up). He got pretty upset and said no, that it isn’t even remotely true. I do believe him because we have many moments when we don’t do sexual things but it just throws me off when he’s like that.

Well we stop but then something happens and I basically tease him by sucking on his finger in a pretty provocative way. Well I do this for a few minutes, watching his mouth open slightly as his eyes closed and rolled up. Finally he yanked his hand away from me, stood up to go to my kitchen for gum, then came back and stood in front of me. He pulled me up and wrapped my arms around his shoulders as he walked us into my room. He shut the door a little then pulled me against him and started to kiss me again. He took my shirt off and I started to touch him. That’s the hardest he’s been in a long time, almost painfully hard. Just me touching him through his jeans made his body start to almost convulse instinctively. I slowly made my way to just touching him through his jeans and he continued to kiss me and grab my chest. He did try to touch me but I kept resisting him and telling him no. He was extremely persistent and didn’t like me telling him no. Finally I had him standing by my bed naked and me still partially clothed. He asked me if I’d suck his cock and well, we all know I can’t resist when he asks me like that. Plus, I adore this man and adore his cock. I kneeled down in front of him and slowly wrapped my lips around his head, just to tease him. I felt his whole body just relax as he moaned.

He grabbed my hair in his hands and let me stay kneeling for a little while. Then he pulled us up to the bed so we would be more comfortable. He took my high waist shorts off so I was just in my tights while sucking him. After a while he pulled me up to face him and he grinded himself against me while I was in the tights. He loved the fabric, it was something he hadn’t experience before and I’d say he liked the way it felt. Somehow he slid himself into my tights and proceeded to grind himself against the outside of my entrance, no penetration at this point. It feels great and he moans as he says, “God, you’re so wet and I haven’t touched you yet.”

After we do that for a little while I move back down to continue giving him a BJ. As I said before I can now deep throat him and he’s starting to be able to thrust a few times while I’m doing that. It’s still taking some practice but I’m getting there, as I told him we would. He moves on the bed and pulls me back up to do what we had been doing. While doing that he slowly slides into me. I had to remove the tights after a while, sadly. We didn’t use a condom this time, of course we said we’d get one after just a second but everyone knows that doesn’t happen. We proceed to have pretty passionate sex. He’s touching me and being very responsive and vocal. He also directs me in a way he wants me to be on top of him, because of the amount of foreplay we had and the fact he had an erection for at least two hours he couldn’t hold back any longer. He told me before he came so I was able to move down and finish him with my mouth.

I wasn’t able to have an orgasm during the sex, I came close but it just didn’t happen. As I rolled off of him I distanced myself a little since I know how he is but he instantly grabbed me and pulled me close to him. He continued to play with me until I had three orgasms. When he finished he brought his fingers to my mouth and I proceeded to suck myself off of him. He did surprise me because he held me for a while afterwards. Rubbing my arm, side and playing with my hair while just holding me. He kissed my forehead and then went to rinse off. Neither one of us realized it was basically 4 am at this point so after he rinsed off and got dressed I put on some sweat pants and a tank top, we went to the living room for a little bit to talk and then I walked him out. We kissed and hugged good bye.

I had this feeling of worry and regret because after the week I had I promised myself no more sexual things with him. Especially since that is what he wanted. The next day I didn’t hear from him till later that night asking what I was up to.

Him: “Do you feel like hanging out with an old man?”

Me: “I don’t think I’d mind that, you want some company?”

Him: “Love some”

Him: “I’m planning to go to church in the morning if you wanna come too”

Me: “I’d like that a lot…should I bring stuff with me or will I be coming back to my house tonight?”

Him: “Just bring stuff”

So I went over there and we actually had a fun night together. We watched a movie and had a few drinks before going to bed. I wasn’t sexual with him and kept things from getting there. Well he had set an alarm for us and told me to make sure he was up at a certain time. He’s been having a major issue sleeping so when the alarm went off he woke me up and I sat up to start getting ready. That’s when he told me in the saddest voice that he got no sleep at all. So I sat back in the bed and then he just made me lay down. Well he was on his phone typing then handed it over to me:

Him: “I’ve been up since 5:30 and can’t fall back asleep…will you help me go to sleep?”

Me: “How can I help you fall asleep?”

Him: “BJ”

I let out a little groan and laugh then set his phone down, he grabbed it from me.

Him: “Please 😦 “

Me: “I guess I could help a little”

I did help him fall back asleep. He got a pretty hot BJ that lasted about 30 minutes. He also was very interested in touching my hair, face and breasts. After he came he held me for a little while and then we both passed out. Once we got up we spent a little more time together. Watching tv, talking and him showing some designs he had down for his business. After a few hours I left and went home.

He did text me later that night. This week he’s talked to me every day, and actually kept a conversation with me. Two days ago he asked if I wanted to go walking in his neighborhood and I of course did. We did several miles until it started to get colder and darker. We talked the entire time and he was very protective over me while walking. He kept moving me away from traffic and making sure I was safe from vehicles. After he asked if I wanted to go to his mom’s house and see what they were doing. So we went in there and I ate dinner with him and his mom. His sister had left after a little while but it was nice to feel included. After we ate, we all visited for a little while longer and then I got up to leave. His mom walked us out, hugged us both, and the Russian walked me to my car. We were playful and kissed goodbye a few times. Nothing physical happened, we just spent some time together. Once I got home he started texting me and asking me about my work schedule so he would know if we could go walking again this week.

Of course we talked basically all night. Yesterday we talked during the day and then he asked me to go walk with him again. We did and were probably even more playful. At one point, because it was chilly, he kept putting his cold hands on my neck and under my shirt so I tried to retaliate and we ended up chasing each other a few blocks. It was probably the most fun I’ve had in a long time with him, just being in that moment and honestly not caring who was watching or what we looked like. Well, after that we went back to his place to shower, change and then get some food. After I showered he was playing his video game so when he went to shower I continued playing. After his we talked about dinner, ordered food and waited to go pick it up he turned on a show he had been watching. I set up my Netflix account at his house and since he’s had trouble sleeping he’s been watching it late at night.

On the way to get dinner he told me that if for some reason he isn’t really playful or cheery with me later it’s because he’s just tired. I told him I appreciated him telling me that and if he didn’t really feel like having company I’d understand and it wouldn’t be a big deal. He said that wasn’t the case at all he just didn’t want me to get my feelings hurt if he wasn’t playful. Well, it turned out he was still pretty playful and in a good mood. After we ate we kept watching this show of his and talking. After a few episodes he asked me to make a drink and I was about to until he made me lay on the pillow in his lap. He started to really slap my ass, to prove a point after I gave him a hard time about not doing that very hard. Once he gave me three or four extremely hard slaps he then started to just play with my hair. It was fun because we basically goof off with each other and it isn’t weird. As usual, he did take my bra off. I jokingly tried to block one of my boobs from him and in the cutest voice he said, “Stop it, I just want to play.” So I let him continue with that. He did at one point try to get his hand down my pants but I wouldn’t let him touch me. He was very persistent and didn’t like me telling him no. He kept changing the name for it as a joke we do, but he wanted to just touch my clit. Well I kept my strength and didn’t let him. He once again had a massive erection and made sure I was aware of it in ways only he can do. He eventually laid down with his head by my feet and my head in his lap. He just rubbed and massaged my legs for a while and I proceeded to playfully poke him in his belly button. It’s weird but something I enjoy doing when he lets me.

In typical Russian fashion he put my hand directly onto him and said if I was going to fidget and play with something than it needed to be something useful. I didn’t really respond to the comment and didn’t move to instantly grab him. That got to him and he made another comment then unbuttoned his pants to free his member. I proceeded to lightly touch it but nothing more. He asked me if I saw something that happened on the show and I reminded him at the angle I was at I couldn’t see it. So he sat me up and tried to position me so he was basically lying between my thighs. I knew where that would lead so I moved and had him just lay in my lap. He laid me forward so I was lying across his stomach/chest. I continued to play with him using just my hands until he brought the head of his cock to my lips.

I don’t know if it was the angle, the fact all the lights were still on or because we were 100% sober but that particular BJ really rocked his world. At one point while I was sucking he asked if I still wanted a drink, I told him I did and he said he’d make one but he may have to take me with him. I figured that would probably a fun thing to try and do. So I nodded and kept doing what I was doing waiting for him to wiggle around and us move. Well, I must have changed pressure or a movement on him because not even 30 seconds later he was telling me he was coming, not the “I’m going to” he normally gives me, he literally just couldn’t stop it. After as he laid in my lap he told me he wasn’t sure what happened but I did something and it just couldn’t be helped. That was probably one of the quickest ones I had given him, long foreplay helps make him reach his orgasm easier. Which I don’t mind giving him long BJs but my jaw appreciated the break for once.

The rest of that night we had one drink, a rather strong one, and then continued watching this show and talking. When it was time for bed he actually slept in a normal position with me that he hasn’t done in a while. Typically for him to get comfy he’d lay the opposite direction of me. By that I mean his head are by my feet and his feet are by my head.  Well he actually slept next to me and I got to rub his head and scratch his back till it put us both to sleep. When I woke up this morning I was just excited he slept next to me like that all night that well, I rewarded him with another BJ. However, this one lasted an hour and a half. It was pretty intense and he could have come a lot sooner but when he asked if I was “ready for some cum” I shook my head no and slowed my pace. He groaned loudly and told me that I was the boss and for me to tell him when he could. I didn’t deep throat him as much because that makes him go pretty quickly.

After “torturing” him for a while longer I asked if he was ready to cum and he showed me that he was ready. After he held me for a little while and then I got up to start getting ready for work. He rolled over to my side of the bed, buried himself under the covers and said, “I’m so comfortable…going back to sleep now.” I got ready for work in his bathroom and when I finished I hated waking him up to tell him bye but he woke a little and told me he was dreaming. He hasn’t slept good in a while so I left quietly.

I will say I’m glad I resisted his advances for more than what we did, I should probably decline doing those as well but I enjoy it just as much. He’s more than likely still asleep so I’ll wait to hear from him.

And that’s my life up to today…literally. I was a little over an hour late to work but I’m leaving this job after next week and well, no one cared. Plus, it was so worth it.

If anyone has any thoughts they’d like to share or any suggestions/opinions on what’s been going on with the Russian feel free to share! I’ll say things are going in a good direction, but we will see what good ole V-Day holds for us. Wish me luck!

Feelings and What? Pt. One

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I have a lot on my mind from things that have happened in the almost two weeks that have passed. I’ve had a few people in my immediate family pass away rather unexpectedly so that has really shaken me up. On top of me having to deal with those emotions and grieving the Russian dropped a major bomb on me two Sundays ago.

It’s hard to explain what all happened because at the same time I wasn’t fully focused but knew this conversation needed to happen. Basically, the Russian told me he thinks by now his feelings should be deeper for me than they are (love I guess) and he’s concerned that they aren’t. Well after a long back and forth conversation that day we decided that we both needed to take a big step back on the sexual aspect of things and focus on just dating and knowing each other. Because of the way this relationship started we never actually “courted” or went on a lot of dates before the sex aspect happened. Granted, I was living with and dating someone else at the time and he was kind of seeing someone so it was a weird start.

Well after that conversation, I basically told him I feel really stupid for falling for him if those feelings aren’t returned, I went to my house and sobbed my eyes out. Not only for my lost grandfather but for the relationship I felt I was losing as well. The next day I would be going back to my parents’ home so I took that night to try and sleep. I had told myself I would not be messaging the Russian anymore and if he wanted to speak to me he could reach out.

Well reach out he did. At one a.m. that night my phone started to ring. I had only gone to sleep about an hour before that, having been up late talking to my best friend and crying. I was completely shocked but answered the phone.

Me: “Hello?”

Him: “Hey, what are you doing?”

Me: “Um, just laying in bed. You?”

Him: “Trying to play (game) but it isn’t working tonight.”

Me: “Oh, that stinks”

Him: “How are you? You okay?”

Me: “Um, I’m not good. But it’ll get better.”

Him: “I know, I’m sorry. Did you find out the arrangements?”

We started talking about what I would have to do for the visitation and funeral, also, me having to pick up family members and drive them home with me. That went back and forth for a little while. Then I got brave and a little mad.

Me: “Why are you calling me, Russian?”

Him: “Because I really care for you and wanted to check on you.”

Me: “No you don’t, after this afternoon you made it very clear you DON’T care about me.”

Him: “That’s fucking bullshit and you know it, (name). I told you that I do care and have feelings for you. I’m just not sure if the reason my feelings aren’t deeper is because of the way things started or just me getting off these meds.”

Him: “That’s why I want us to try this a different way, I don’t want to just throw everything away.”

Me: “Honestly, Russian, if you’re just wanting to try these things as a way to pity me or let me down easier just don’t. End things now because that’ll  be easier on me.”

Him: “Oh, so you’d be completely okay if things ended?”

Me: “No I wouldn’t just be okay with it, Russian. I told you I have fallen for you but how do you think it feels when that isn’t reciprocated? When the person I want to be with more than likely doesn’t want to be with me? I don’t even know what to think or do.”

One of us lost service and the call got caught off. He called me back and we resumed talking.

Him: “I know I haven’t been the most cheerful person in the world and we haven’t really been doing dates or anything but I would really like to take you out and do things like that.”

Me: “That’s what I want. I don’t mind staying in and doing dinner and a movie at one of our homes but I want to go out and do things. The only reason I haven’t pushed for it more is because of how you’ve been feeling lately.”

Him: “I know and I really appreciate that. We just now need to focus on something different and see if things grow from that.”

I just was saying “okay” at this point.

Me: “It really sucks knowing you aren’t going to be in my life anymore.”

Him: “When the hell did I say that? I just told you what I want to do.”

Me: “Actions speak louder than words and I just don’t think you’re going to follow through. I feel like you’re pitying me or something.”

Him: “I am not pitying you. You don’t need pity from anyone. You are a total package. 9.9999 out of 10 in looks alone, you’re gorgeous. Incredibly smart, independent, amazing personality and everything anyone could want.”

Me: “Yeah, everyone but you. Lotta good that does me.”

Him: “Just stop it. We are going to get this figured out okay?”

I say okay and then get quiet.

Him: “And I want to help you with what you’re going through right now. Anything I can do. Will you please let me help you?”

Me: “Okay”

Him: “What are you going to do with the pup?”

He was going to originally keep my dog for me while I dealt with family stuff but after everything Sunday I told him I wouldn’t need him to do that and I’d figure it out. I honestly just didn’t want to rely on him for that.

Me: “Um, I haven’t thought about it yet.”

Him: “Can I please keep her for you?”

Me: “I don’t know, is that a good idea?”

Him: “Why wouldn’t it be? I care for you. I care for (my dog). I care for your mom. I want to help and if this is the only way I can, then let me.”

Me: “Okay. If you don’t mind keeping her you can keep her for a few days.”

Him: “Thank you. I really appreciate it.”

We discussed the time I’d bring her to him the next day. We kept talking for a while after that. A lot of back and forth stuff. After about an hour we decided it was time to go to sleep. After we got off the phone he texted me to say he’d set an alarm and then called me “pretty girl” which he’s used as a nickname for me before.

The next day I’m basically a hot mess. I get up to shower and fix myself up for the day. When I brought my dog to him I honestly wasn’t sure what to expect or do. He met me outside and picked her up. He looked sad but gave me a hug and basically told me good luck with the next few days. We didn’t speak again until the next day. He asked me how things were going and we spoke for a little bit. I asked him if he’d mind keeping my dog another night, which he said he didn’t mind at all. He ended up keeping her for three nights and then I went to get her after work that Thursday.

I fixed myself up a little before seeing him, because, well I needed to look good and remind him what he’s missing. He had her at his mom’s house so I met him over there. He was outside walking her when I drove up. We stood outside and talked for a little bit. He asked  how my interview had gone. (I will be starting a new job too) We talked for a little bit and since it was cold I decided it was time to go. Well he had hugged me when I got there and then when I left he hugged me again but this time is was a harder hug and he did this grasp/scratch thing to my ribs he normally does. I didn’t really respond or hug back very hard, which isn’t like me but it benefited me later on.

To be continued….

It Was a Beautiful Weekend…And Then, Shit.

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If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times. Any time I take any steps forward with the Russian something comes along and drags everything back…

This weekend is the perfect example and I just don’t know what to do at this point. The Russian finally asked me to come over and have dinner with his mom and him then watch a movie. This is something they do often but he’s never asked me to come over before. So when he did I was so excited. And that wasn’t even it, he also finally asked me if I wanted to come along with his family for a day trip to see a cousin in another city. This was something he had brought up before but didn’t invite me and I told him that it made me a little sad. But I had never brought it  up since then and just left it alone. Well those two days went great.

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I had a lot of fun just spending time with his family and him in a different environment than we normally are in. It made me actually feel like his girlfriend for once which was nice. Especially since I’ve just been feeling funny about this relationship for some reason. Equate it to my hormones being weird from a longer period or whatever but I can’t help those feelings.

Well, after we returned to town from the day trip we went back to the Russian’s house for drinks and some down time. It had been an exhausting day for the both of us. That night we had a small disagreement but got passed it and the night went on. I had been on my period all last week (literally from Saturday to Saturday) and hadn’t received any type of…satisfaction in a while. Well he must have felt bad about it so he thankfully gave me an orgasm (sadly, just one) with his hands. After he finished with me I leaned against him out of breath but still very much turned on. He then grabbed my hand and placed in on his hard cock. I slowly started to grasp it and slightly jerk him off. Basically I was just teasing him for a good amount of time. Eventually he pulled his shorts down more and tried to get me to start sucking on him. I teased him more by not letting him into my mouth, just licking him slowly or just putting the head of him into my mouth.

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I did start giving him a full blow job. As I’ve said in another post I can finally deep throat him and he’s pretty much addicted to that which makes me feel really good about myself. He wants me to get to the point he can, well, I guess you’d say throat fuck me. Some moments he can do it a little before I feel the need to come back up and other times not at all. So that’s a continued work in progress. Also, it is hard to deep throat back to back for me, which is what he asks for sometimes but I can either do it two or three times or just once and need a break that I’ll focus on other things. After he came we just laid with each other for a little while and then turned the movie back on.

At some point in the night I developed a terrible migraine that I tried to make go away by laying in his lap with an ice pack. Eventually I just went and laid in bed to rest and wait for him. He came and laid down with me later and everything was fine. Or so I thought.

At around 4ish in the morning my dog gets up and he wakes up to check on her. He grabbed my phone for light, which is perfectly fine, then he sees her and come back to bed. I see him playing on his phone so I put my hand on his leg and say, “Can’t go back to sleep?” And he says, “Nope” so I take that as a sign to give him another BJ. I know it could help him sleep plus I was hoping we’d have sex for the first time in a while. Well he starts to get a little hard then I start to suck on him. And he isn’t getting hard at all, he would a little bit and then nothing. So I stopped and asked if he wanted me to keepgoing and he told me yes, I asked if he was sure and he again said yes. I started going at it again and as before, nothing was happening. So I stopped and sat up to look at him. He shines his phone in my face and asks, “Why are random guys calling you at 4 in the morning?” I literally had no idea what he was talking about. So I respond, “Uh I have no idea why anyone would call at 4 in the morning. Who called?” He tells me to check my phone. I do because at this point I’m beyond confused and I’m also curious as to who is calling me.

I look and it’s a guy I graduated high school with, who I dated back in middle school! Never even had a hook up with him or anything sexual. He is also in a very serious relationship and I didn’t even know he had my number. So I explain this to the Russian and it’s plainly obvious he just does not believe me, because, he claims this happened with his ex. Fuck me right? I tell him I have no idea why this guy called, obviously it was just a mistake and that if I had anything to hide I sure as shit wouldn’t leave my phone sitting face up without a lock on it for him to see. I even tell him he could easily go through my phone if he wanted to. It’s like a round and round thing we go, it’s pretty obvious he still doesn’t really believe so I just don’t know what to do. I tried to call the guy back but he didn’t answer.  I tell him that I haven’t seen, spoken to or shown any interest in any other guys since he came alone or since we became official. That I don’t want anyone else and I wouldn’t jeopardize something I worked hard for and risked a lot for to just end up leaving him. Well eventually he says we should just go to sleep because nothing will get accomplished this late at night.

I don’t really fall back asleep till 7:30 that morning, I stayed up reading on my phone until I got tired. I was just so upset at the thought he didn’t believe or trust me and that I might lose him over absolutely nothing. Well we didn’t get out of bed till almost 2 that afternoon. He got up to shower and all that so I got up, brushed my teeth and washed my face then waited for him to come back into the room. He comes back in and changes then sits on the couch with me. My dog goes to him and lays in his lap he instantly starts petting her and being playful with her. We pretty much sit there in this weird silence and I just don’t know what even to say. So eventually I ask him, “So are we going to talk about things or should I just leave?” He tells me he is completely exhausted because he couldn’t sleep good, apparently my dog was moving around a lot and kept waking him up.

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Well we discussed it somewhat but nothing really got accomplished because I could tell he was too tired to really process anything. He told me he was going to go to either his mom or dad’s house that night then try and go to bed early. He asked what our (my dog and I) plans were and I just said go home and catch up on house stuff. I hadn’t been there since 6 pm Friday night.

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Well before I left I told him I just wanted to ask one question before I left. “Are you going to want to end things?” And his response was a simple, “No, I don’t think so.” Well a few minutes after that I gathered all my stuff up, loaded my vehicle and put my pup in there with everything. He walked me to my car, opened the door and then we just stood there kind of awkwardly not knowing what to say or do. So he pulled me in for a hug, kissed my cheek and forehead then we kissed each other bye. He told me, “Well I had a really good weekend…well except for earlier.” I nodded my head and said I did too. I then just stood there and said, “Well I guess I’ll see you some other time then?” And he smile and said yeah.

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That drive home was just terrible. I cried my eyes out and called my mom to tell her everything that had happened.  She knew it was ridiculous because once I told her who the guy was she actually laughed and couldn’t believe it. Mainly because this guy is about to get engaged and obviously madly in love with his girlfriend (who I have always really liked) he’s been with for a few years. AND I HAVEN’T SEEN HIM IN YEARS AND ONLY SPEAK TO HIM RARELY. I didn’t even know he had my number. She thinks I should be madder at him than anything but I don’t have it in me. I’m frustrated he didn’t give me the benefit of the doubt and jumped to the worst possible thing. I told my best friend him being that way makes me almost worried he may be doing something wrong if he gets that upset.

I finally got in touch with the guy who called me and got the answer I knew was right, here is that conversation:

Friend: “Hey (real name), sorry about calling you last night.”

Me: “Hey, why did you call me at 4 am last night?”

Friend: “I’m sorry, I was drunk and don’t think I meant to”

Me: “Okay, I wasn’t sure why. I figured it was just a mistake but wanted to make sure. Thanks.”

(I then thought to myself, I planned to show this to the Russian and should just get all my thoughts out there.)

Me: “I know it was an accident but I’d appreciate it if it didn’t happen again though. My boyfriend saw that you called and got really upset with me. I didn’t even have an answer for why you’d call, because I didn’t even know why. He means a lot to me and so does our relationship that I don’t want to jeopardize it over nothing.”

Friend: “It won’t happen again. I’m very sorry. I have been with (real name) for four and a half year. I promise it was nothing like that. Please pass my apologies along to your boyfriend.”

Me: “I will and I appreciate the apology. I knew it was just a mistake. I’m glad you and (real name) are doing good. I love you two as a couple and hope the best for you both!”

Friend: “Thank you. I wish you two the best too.”

I easily could have taken an uglier approach to it because I was super pissed about this situation but I grew up with this guy and his parents are friends with mine. I didn’t want to burn a bridge or have word get around I was a mean and bitchy person. Not like I am an angel or anything. Plus, I genuinely like the guy. We grew up together with the same group and he was one of the nicer ones to me in high school when I hit a rough time and his girlfriend is honestly the cutest and sweetest thing.

The Russian did text me later Sunday night:

Him: “Ever seen the frozen ground?”

Me: “No, I’ve never even heard of it”

An hour or so later:

Him: “It was really good”

Me: “What was it about?”

Him: “An Alaskan serial killer”

Him: “Based on a true story”

Me: “Hm it does sound interesting”

Him: “I’d give it 7.5-8”

Me: “Coming from you that’s impressive!”

And that was it, I have yet to hear anything from him since then and I know that’s his MO when he’s upset. So once that got squashed with my friend I plan to share this with the Russian whenever I see him in person, if that ever happens again. It’ll hopefully put his mind at ease when he sees that it was honestly a mistake and meant nothing. Hell, I have drunk dialed the wrong people before and didn’t remember it till they said something about it.

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So yeah, that’s my life in a nutshell right now. What do you think, reader?

Did I handle things correctly? What would you have done in this situation? How should I approach things with the Russian when this is discussed again? Have you ever had this situation happen to you? Share your thoughts!

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One Year

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One year. One year since the giant debacle with the Russian came to a screeching halt. One year of so many ups, downs, confusions, feelings and many other descriptive words.

It’s been since September that I’ve done an actual post and I’m so sorry. Life gets to be so hectic sometimes but so much has actually happened. Some good and some bad, which is pretty much the usual way things go for this relationship with the Russian.

So I will say that the Russian officially left the company that we both work for. He was having countless issues and a better job opportunity came up so he took it. I’m very happy for him and know he’s going to do great with the company. I had voiced a concern about it to him that starting this new job would be an easy way for him to get me out of his life. He actually said it before I could finish my sentence and he didn’t want me to feel that way. We’ve had the exclusive talk which we both agreed to be exclusive. Tried to have the “title/what are we” talk, didn’t go very well or as planned. But I can understand where he comes from, he’s been damaged so much emotionally and it doesn’t help he sometimes has to think about how this relationship began. Plus, it has only been since May that I ended my almost six year relationship. And I’ve only been living on my own for about five months.

But if I can, I’d like to just fully express how I’m feeling about this entire situation. It will probably help to get this out now so I can come back to it later. When I’m not about to be done with my period and full of extra emotions and I’m rambling already, sorry!

I’m starting to get that feeling in the pit of my stomach that maybe this won’t turn out like I had hoped. That maybe he will decide he doesn’t want this or just pull another disappearing act. I’ve had a few people tell me it’s obvious that cares for me and even has the big “L” word when it comes to me. But he has so many emotional and trust issues that I also have to go against at the same time. There are moments when he is affectionate like I need and I can honestly see the relationship beginning to actually take form. Other times, it’s so hard for me to read him that I don’t know where anything is even going.

He has called himself by “boyfriend” before but then when I asked about a title in the relationship he basically explained to me again his emotional issues and why he doesn’t want to rush anything with this. Only because we’ve been out and “dating” for just a few months.

We still do have amazing sex, at one point we were spending Friday to Sunday together. Going on dates, drinking and having sex multiple times a day like teenagers and it was amazing. It was probably the happiest months I’ve had in years. But of course, as my luck has it, he starts to either overthink things or get scared of the commitment that would follow. I think in his mind it isn’t a good way to start a relationship with so much sex. He’s even said that to me when we discussed something he had said previously. Now I let him initiate things and I don’t do it at all anymore. No more, “May I suck your dick sir?” because I’m not sure if I should or if he wouldn’t like that. Remember how open, affectionate and talkative he was over the summer? He’s changed from that.

He rarely kisses anymore which completely upsets me. I absolutely love to kiss, it’s how I show affection and how I like to receive it. So when we don’t kiss it makes me feel bad about myself. Mainly because it reminds me of how past relationships would go, the guy is always the one who stops with the affection and I’m left doubting myself. I’ve brought this up and he claims he is still “learning” on how to be affectionate that way. In his mind maybe affection is just reserved for sex and can’t be just a normal thing. Who knows? He is starting to try and figure out what some of his issues come from and he thinks they are more spiritual.

I can understand how he feels but I guess I just take the brunt of him going through all this. Because we go from spending almost every day together, with many sleepovers, to only seeing each other two to three times a week. Now, I know he started a new job and we do talk daily. I think I just miss how his schedule use to be, he has to get to work so early and it’s hard to have late nights with me.

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Am I being ridiculous? I really believe he wants to be with me but I think it’s so hard reading those emotions of his and just wondering what he wants. I’m also torn because I view him as my boyfriend, and I’m sure he views me as his girlfriend, so I tell him little things I’m doing if he asks and he tells me what he’s doing. I still never text him first, it’s something I don’t think I’ll ever really change.

Shit. I hate going through this right now. It doesn’t help we still haven’t done the introduction to our parents. I’ve met his father at different events but he’s never intentionally taken me to meet his family. I haven’t either but I told him I wanted to bring him after he introduced me to his. Again, he told me he had rushed that phase before and would be completely invested in the relationship then the girl would just leave him. I instantly wanted to roll my eyes because, hello, how long has this thing been going on? Obviously I’m not going to just leave him. Maybe strangle him, but not just leave.

Some weeks are better than others and maybe that’s just the cause of this relationship and how it all started. I’m not sure. I do know I want things to work with him and I want to help him the best I can. I thought dating men in their 30s would be less complicated; apparently this 20something wasn’t quite right.

Any thoughts on the situation? I know I haven’t posted in so long and I’m leaving out a lot of details. I’ll be able to talk about those a little later. I’m proud to say my company has finally released the block for WordPress. This does make my life even better! I’m so happy to be back, dear readers and I hope I don’t disappoint!

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