Things Change, But Do They Change Forever?

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I wish I had posted my draft post I had been working on the weekend after Thanksgiving. Mainly because some serious shit went down and it has turned into this funny but amazing moment that I can’t wait to share with you all! So let me take you back to the week of Thanksgiving, about three weeks ago I believe. The Russian and I had seen each other a few times. We cooked at my house then he asked me the next day to help with stuff at his new house. Everything was fine and dandy really. He had been acting a lot more like a “boyfriend” and wanting to be around me. So things had kind of been getting better.

The night before Thanksgiving I spent with some friends and we went out. The next day was Thanksgiving and we kind of chit-chatted back and forth. That night he went shopping and picked up a movie for me all on his own. I was a little surprised but happy. I had been telling my close friends I planned on talking to him about where this was going and what this even was. Well, come Friday he never asked to see me or really seem to want to talk to me. I had gone to talk to my therapist that afternoon, I just started to see her, and she really hit home with me about a few things.

She actually had me read the old English poem, “The Spider and the Fly” while I was in my session. It really hit home with me in so many ways. Talking to her kind of made it clear to me the Russian was playing with me for his own benefit and that I needed to honestly end things with him. Well, late that night he ended up calling me asking if I would come pick him up from the bar. I was going to but he ended up driving to my house. We watched a movie, he passed out drunk on my couch and then when we went to my bed at around 5 am we had sex.

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Here is when things get rough. That morning, we fooled around a little then were lying in bed together. He was looking through his phone and I just so happened to see a particular girl’s name on his phone. The one who had been seeing him before me, and the same one he had been texting a few months ago. I instantly rolled away to put my panties back on, while doing so I let out a weird laugh and started to shake my head. He instantly was like, “She’s just a friend and I can text who I want. You shouldn’t be looking at my phone anyways.” I just nodded my head. He instantly changes the subject and starts to talk to me about his house. The last thing I even cared to hear about at that point. He then says he wants to show me some new stuff he put up in the house and I agree to go. Stupid me. While I was getting ready he let me dog out, but told me I had some packages outside. He brought them in of course. I knew what they were but didn’t open them.

As we are driving to his house he asks me what came in the mail. I just shrugged and said, “Nothing, stuff I have to send back.” He looked at me and asked me again what it was. I said the same thing so he says back, “Is it something you got for Christmas but now don’t want to give it to someone?” I nodded my head and just said, “Yep.” We get to his house and he’s showing me around and all that. He mentions something and then that’s when I basically lost it. After a long conversation, and him telling me again that he told me he had already said he didn’t have those feelings for me and that he didn’t believe I actually loved him cause I allowed him to keep seeing me I just went into full on bitch mode. I told him that the only reason I allowed him in my life after the first break up was because I am in love with him and want to be with him. But since he has told me this I no longer wanted him in my life and that our relationship was no longer beneficial to me. He did not like that. He then tried to say he wanted us to still be friends and I told him that would not be happening as he is now my official ex and I never speak to my exes.

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I also told him I would no longer be his “support system” and he could have one of his other girls do that for him. I also said I didn’t care about updates on his life, business or anything else. A lot more was said from me but it’s a lot. I finally stopped allowing him to back-peddle and put blame on me. Well, the funny part is we rode together so he had to bring me back to my house. That was a fun car ride. He kept asking me about my thoughts on his house, I finally busted out laughing and said, “Seriously? I don’t give two shits what you do. Ask someone else who cares.” He instantly got all upset and said he was sorry and maybe he was just an asshole, “You are an asshole, be honest with yourself,” was my response. We get to my house and he asks if I can give him a hug or if I was just going to leave. I gave him a half-assed hug then told him I needed my key back.

I jumped out of his car and never looked back. I immediately called my closest friends to let me know what happened and to get comfort from them. It was a rough few days. I had finals coming up and work was going to be hectic. Well, three days after that conversation he sends me a text, “Hey just wanted to say I’m still here if you need anything and good luck on your finals.” I never responded to that. And those that have followed this since the beginning know that I have never gone without responding to him. I held strong and continued doing schoolwork. After several days without real sleep I was exhausted and grumpy.

Come Saturday of that same week he sends me another text, “Thinkin about ya…hope you’re doing well :)” to which I never responded again. I had more school stuff to do and stayed focus. Well, come Monday he sends me another text while I was working out. “Miss my ace in the hole trim painter right now :/” I had never felt stronger before. Instead of thinking about missing him, I laughed and thought, I’m sure you do since I did so much shit for you willingly and without complaint.

The next night some friends of mine offered to take me out for dinner and drinks to celebrate finals being done. I hadn’t been out in a while like that so I got all dolled up. It was a great night, he didn’t cross my mind and I got roaring drunk. Which made work even more fun the next day. On Thursday I went to work and then worked out afterwards. I was doing stuff at my house when my FaceBook messenger went off. Well, after two weeks this is when I became weak:

Him: Not sure if you blocked my cell but I hope you’re doing okay :/

(I waited about 30 minutes)

Me: Didn’t block you. Been super busy with finals.

Him: How’d they go

Me: I’ll be finished tomorrow. Then I’ll know for sure.

Him: Well good luck! I’m sure it’ll turn out well. I feel so much better getting a response can’t even tell you

Me: Why do you feel better?

Him: I won’t get into it tonight before your final. I’ll let you study but I hope it goes well

Me: Okay

So the cynic in my mind is thinking he just wants to make sure I’ll answer so he can get the rest of his stuff from me or whatever. I don’t think much about it after that. The next day I’m at work starting my day when my phone goes off and who can it be? The Russian.

Him: Good luck! 🙂

Me: Thanks

Him: Will you let me know when you’re done with your final?

Me: It’s just a paper. I’ve already written it so I just have to edit it then submit.

Him: Oh cool

Him: I’m putting my last fixture together and the have to meet the inspector at 11. Can we talk after that?

Me: Um sure, what about?

Him: I’d rather tell you in person

Me: Is this something bad?

Him: I don’t think so. It could be bad for me but not you

Me: Bad for you? Is it gonna upset me or anything like that? If it’s something like that a call would be better to be honest.

Him: I really don’t think so

Me: Alright. Well where do you want to meet?

Him: I can drive over if that’s ok

Me: Okay, my lunch is 12 to 1.

Him: Oh you’re working today too?

Me: Yeah, I had to.

Him: Would you rather wait till you get off?

Me: I have an event to go to for work at 7 tonight.

Him: Ok well I’ll meet you at your house at 12?

So this all happens at around 10 that morning. My stomach was literally sick the rest of the morning. To be honest, I was expecting him to tell me he had met someone else and just wanted to be honest with me about it. Then get the rest of his stuff from my house. Well, he texts me a little before 12 to ask if he could pick me up food and I said yes.

I get to my house before him and that’s basically when everything changed.

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The End is the Beginning is the End

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I think this may be the hardest post I’ve had to right so far. The Russian and I have officially broken up. The weirdest part? I basically sensed that it was going to happen. The last few weeks just have not been good for us. I was doing things that he wanted and getting nothing in return. He basically stopped giving me any kind of affection besides sex. When he asked to come over last Thursday my sixth sense kicked in.

To basically sum it all up, he told me “I love you” for the first time in our relationship. But he followed it with “But I don’t know if I’m in love with you” which really stabbed that knife in a little deeper. We both sat on my couch crying while this happened. He talked a lot more than I did. I knew there was no point in me saying much because I couldn’t change his mind. He told me maybe he was making the biggest mistake of his life and maybe he’s damaged. He said nothing was wrong with me, I’m a wonderful girlfriend and we get along great, plus our physical chemistry was off the charts. I treat him amazing but still…nothing. Just like it was back in February.

In normal guy fashion he asked me if I was going to be okay. I told him that I was and am in love with him so I won’t be okay for a while but I will be eventually. We talked more but it was a slight blur to me. When he left I called my mom and closest friends to tell them. Oh, and cry uncontrollably. The whole weekend we didn’t speak to each other. Mainly because he asked me if I wanted us to be friends or him just completely disappear. I told him I couldn’t really think at that moment about it.

Sunday  morning he sent me a text saying, “Just wanted to say hi and hope your weekend was ok.” Then that afternoon he sent me a text asking if I was home. I still have a lot of his stuff here so I figured he wanted to get it. But he just asked for some specific thing. I told him I was home and if he wanted to get whatever that was fine. He came over. We kind of talked, I’ll give an overview. He asked about my weekend again, I said it was okay and my family came in. I asked about his and he said it was okay just really weird (considering we were together basically every single day for a year). He got what he needed and told me he would get the rest of it later unless I wanted him to now.

I knew I couldn’t handle him being in my home for much longer without crying I just told him he could get it later, that was fine with me. He gave me a hug. Then told me that maybe if we are both still single we can maybe have dinner or see a movie, he even was nice enough to say, “Nothing physical, not like that.” Which we all know is complete shit.

We had more small talk before he left and then he did. I crashed on my couch and bawled my eyes out. Knowing I’ve been demoted to something like that hurt even more because I’m still in love with him. Deeply so and it just broke my heart all over again.

Later that night he texted me after a show we use to watch together ended. We talked about it and then nothing.

Today, he told me he was going to be traveling out of state again for work. This is how that conversation went:

Him: “Back to ______ tomorrow”

Me: “That’s gonna be fun”

Him: “Wanna come?”

Me: “Lol I have to work”

Him: “lol”

Me: “I have to be at an event so I can’t work from home”

Him: “I wouldn’t have expected you to sacrifice a day for driving with me lol”

Me: “Lol uh huh”

Him: “Really didn’t think you would lol”

Me: “Lol I just cant, you picked a day I actually have to work”

I know what you all are going to say. I should have told him to just stop and leave me alone, that he was dragging me on and needed to leave it alone. I still have the old mind set that I want to do whatever he asks and drop everything for him. I know I shouldn’t, and I won’t anymore.

If someone could explain to me why, if you aren’t in love with someone but know they are, why keep doing this to them? If it was me, I wouldn’t be reaching out to him because I would realize how much it hurts him. It sucks not hearing from him but it reopens the wounds every time he reaches out to me. I haven’t thought about him since Sunday and then he texts me.

Now, I’m officially single and not quite sure what to even do with myself. I haven’t really “dated” or been single in over 5 years so what now? Also, I’m horrified that I may never have good sex again. Is that awful to think about? Ugh. I’m really sad and confused right now. Any advice would definitely be accepted right now.

Part of me wants him to just wake up and realize what he’s losing then do whatever it takes to win me back. But I know that more than likely won’t happen. And if it doesn’t, I just want him to leave me alone and let me move on. I already have had guys ask me on dates and all that, but I know I’m not ready for that because they would just be a rebound. Mainly because my heart isn’t ready for that again. I’m kind of in a “fuck love” type of mood now. I’m also aware that since my sex life is nothing now I’m going to be really aggravated which will make work even better.

Well, send me your positive thoughts as I go through a new journey now. Brightside?! I can blog as much as I want now! I have a brand new laptop and a whole lotta free time on my hands.

Always Making Some Mistake

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Well apparently I really messed up Tuesday night and I didn’t even realize it. During the day Wednesday we chatted a little bit but it wasn’t our normal talk and he seemed a little shorter with me than normal. I knew not to expect to see him plus I had a girls night planned with a friend already. Well, while at dinner I was texting him and trying to play with him. This is when I realized I did something wrong.

Me: “But you’re being mean! I’m pouting over here (that was said in a Boston accent)”

Him: “Suck it up. You called me a pussy several times yesterday so I have zero remorse”

Me: “When did I call you that?!”

Him: “You know when”

Me: “That’s a slight blur but I don’t remember saying that…I’m sorry ;/ “

Him: “Yeah I didn’t like it at all ;/ “

Me: “I’m so sorry, I don’t even remember saying that and I won’t say it again I promise. Are you mad at me about that?”

Him: “I’m not actively mad about it. It was a huge turn off though”

Me: “I figured you were mad about it, I probably was thinking of a way to rile you up. Lesson learned.”

He then sent me one more text asking me a question that didn’t pertain to that conversation, I answered it and then he said nothing else to me. Okay. I do not recall calling him a pussy while we were rolling around on the bed. I feel bad that I did but I know myself well enough and probably was just trying to get to me a little rougher with me. So I must have told him to either stop being one or I called him one. Insert foot straight into my mouth. Great, so once again step forwards and more steps back.

Yesterday we talked off and on during the day. He told me the time we would be going to this BBQ on Sunday. I once again tried to joke with him about things and he joked back a little but not that much. After we talked then I didn’t hear from him for a while, I was a little upset when he didn’t even ask to see me or if I had plans. Well he randomly told me he had dinner with his brother. I have been all for him to have these dinners with him and be a present big brother for his younger brother. We talked about the dinner and how it went. He didn’t honestly seem to be trying too hard to keep the conversation going. We hadn’t talked about the weekend yet but I was assuming I would see him before Sunday. Then he sent me this an hour later.

Him: “Just an FYI, I’m gonna watch the UFC fights Saturday night with Clay”

Me: “Oh okay”

I’m not against him doing that at all, I’m glad he’s seeing his friend and all that. But is it selfish of me to think well when are you going to see me? I was slightly frustrated so I decided to try and get to the bottom of things.

Me: “Can I ask you something?”

Him: “Ok”

Me: “I kinda feel like you’re upset with me, am I somewhat right?”

Him: “No why”

Me: “I guess just the way you’ve been, usually that signals to me something’s wrong. So I wanted to ask and find out if it had something to do with me, and if so, what exactly it is”

Him: “The other day was weird but I didn’t know I was acting funny…and if I am, how?”

Me: “You’re just being a little distant with me compared to how you normally are. I thought you were mad or upset with me.”

Him: “I moved”

Me: “I know you did I helped you.”

Him: “Yea…so I’m not home alone”

Him: “Watching a movie with my grandmother right now”

Me: “I know you’re not and that’s not what I meant. I’m sorry for bringing it up.”

And that was just the end of it. He didn’t text me after that movie and has yet to say anything to me. It isn’t like I knew he was watching a movie with her, he easily could have said something earlier and I wouldn’t have brought that up then. It’s like he threw my worry under the rug and maybe I’m worrying for no reason but if you could see his texts and our conversations compared to last week/weekend/early this week to the past few days even you’d notice something was different. And it isn’t like I’m initiating any conversations but at the same time I know better. Just like today I don’t really know if I’ll even see him and I know I won’t Saturday. If Sunday still happens I’ll be really surprised. The last time he watched the fights with Clay he got so drunk his hangover lasted the entire next two days. I had to bring him food that morning and baby him the entire day.

I feel like I’m constantly walking this thin line between him really caring for me and being happy with me and me being this big disappointment. I want to know when I do things like that because they don’t typically happen. I make mistakes, everyone does, but to throw a mistake in my face and calling it a huge turn off makes me wonder. He has done things to turn me off but I don’t hold it against him, I don’t think I’ve told him of those moments. I just make sure they don’t happen again and maybe that’s what he is just doing. I also now feel even more uncomfortable about any sexual moments. I’ve been so on edge with the “slow down” on sex with him and not initiating anything that now I’m not sure how to be.

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Eh, I just don’t know what to do. I’ll see if he says anything to me or even asks to see me. I just am confused I guess. I will just let him decide if he wants to see me any time this weekend. I already have people that want to make plans with me but he knows he usually has first priority of my time. Maybe time apart this weekend wouldn’t be a bad thing when I think of it.

Oh well. Thoughts, opinions and advice are always welcome as usual!

Am I Really That Easy To Let Go Of?

ImageSo here we are one whole week later and still…nothing.

I’m not sure what to think or do at this point, besides wanting to slap the shit out of the Russian. As I should have known he has pulled his infamous disappearing act on me again. You would think I’d know better, at least I was expecting it this time around. One of these days I’ll learn my lesson when it comes to men like him.

I recently found a house that I absolutely adore and want. So we will see how that progresses. Things with the boyfriend are slowly getting worse; he had gone out Friday night and stayed out the entire night. Not getting back to the house till 9 am the next day. I decided to go to my parents’ house and this had been planned for a few days. I just had to get away from him and the house. It was nice just getting away and thinking. He did clean the house some on Sunday which was nice, but when I got home we immediately got into an argument and he went into one room to watch TV and I stayed in the living room.

Yesterday was St. Patty’s Day and since I’ll be going out of town today and not returning till late on Wednesday I had decided to just stay home and try to spend time with him. He wanted to go out to a bar I hate, even after I told him I wanted to spend time with him. He went out and didn’t get home till a little after midnight.

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I’m happy I’ll be leaving work soon and not coming in tomorrow. I can continue playing my avoid the Russian game and the boyfriend. I almost had a run in with him this morning and he did see me. But I just waited in my car for a few minutes before I walked into the office.

Very mature of me right? Ugh.

Lesson learned; don’t sleep with your coworker. Especially if they are going to continue playing with you, leading you and then acting like you don’t fucking exist.

I also have a feeling this will be the way I act when he tries and approaches me again, which I know we all can agree with, he will:

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In Case You Ever Foolishly Forget, I’m Never Not Thinking of You

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Well the Russian and I had yet another rendezvous last night. It wasn’t a well planned one as we decided to hang out a few hours in advance. When I got there I guess I was a little awkward…but then I should back up and explain why.

During the earlier part in the week we were talking about whatever, I think about an injury he is dealing with, and I was showing sympathy towards him about it. He then made a comment implying he’s got a girl a day that can baby him if he needs it. I thinking he was joking so I said “Oh congratulations” and he said “You were the last one to come” and to this I glared at him (emoji) which led to this conversation:

Him: “What?”

Me: “Oh don’t what me”

Him: “One…I’m being truthful. Two…you live with a guy…Three so don’t squint at me!”

I think I said “What the fuck?!” out loud at that point. I mean, I’m not an idiot; he is a single guy and can do whatever the hell he wants but just to so blatantly say that shocked me. I just played it off as whatever and didn’t really respond to him. So he goes on to try and joke with me that I’m late for my appointment to “tata” him since he’s hurt. We joke about this and move on.

As the night wears on he starts to actually ask me questions about myself that are kind of in depth. The first one being if I felt bad about seeing him. Now, I should explain that at first I felt like shit. Literal shit. I had problems sleeping, eating and just relaxing. I’m still a gigantic ball of anxiety because of what is happening. Add in the fact I have never cheated before and don’t even know how to keep a secret like this to myself. Well I explained to the Russian that it weighs a lot on my conscience and that I don’t feel bad anymore which is weird for me since I didn’t think it would ever go away.

He then asked me if I was being completely honest about never cheating before, to which I told him yes. I tell him that I’m not good at hiding stuff, which is very true. I’m the one who (before this) had no problem letting anyone go through my phone, social media sites or anything. I don’t hide stuff. He then brought up the fact I seem calm when he has called while we were together. I told him that after years of practice with my mom I can control my tone of voice over the phone, but in face to face situations I just can’t lie. I physically make it obvious. But, back to the phone, I told him if I didn’t watch my tone my voice would get shaky and weird.

I was curious about these questions because I’ve often wondered how a relationship with him would progress (if it even did) considering the circumstances. I would be afraid he’d have trust issues with me, which would be expected I mean, look at this situation. I feel I’d have to reassure him for a long time I wasn’t “messing around” with anyone. My nature is to only have eyes for the person I’m with, I literally don’t see other men when I’m with someone else. But somehow, I saw him.

Well the discussion continues with him asking me questions about my past and things like that. Somehow the conversation got to yelling in arguments and I told him I don’t do yelling. If you yell at me I literally just shut down and leave. I explained this to him and he agreed with me that he doesn’t like yelling or tolerate it. That’s all cool and fine. So now I can fast forward to last night.

I guess I was giving off a weird body language to him. I did have a wall up when I first got there, after how the conversation went Monday I just felt the need to be that way. Not in a mean way, just not be super sweet. He apparently caught on to this quickly. He asked if I was mad at him or something, I laughed and said “No, if I was mad you would know” and he said he thought I didn’t yell, to which I replied there are more ways to show you’re mad than yelling.

Well we put the movie in and cuddle on his couch. The movie was okay, I wasn’t super impressed with it. Well we were drinking and talking during it which was really nice. Then he starts playing with my hands and hair. We get slightly frisky and have a fairly steamy kissing session. At that point he gets up to fix us more drinks and we adjust our seating arrangements. This time, I am like I was the last time, my back laying against his chest and he’s kind of seated up. Well he then sits me up to remove my bra, because, “It’s getting in the way.” So I lay back and he continues to play with my hair and hands. I instinctively reach up with my left arm and wrap my arm around his head. I play with his hair, massage his neck and touch on his face. I didn’t realize what I was doing till I could feel him hugging me tighter at certain times and then I slowed down with that. But he would kiss my head and just rub me. Well the movie started getting a little slow and we got friskier.

I seductively started sucking on his finger and slowly I started doing it more. This lead to him groping my breasts more, which caused him to realize how sensitive they are and he kept on with that. He did a few times try to sneak his hand down my pants. And he knows I usually resist that, only because that to me is personal and since I had finally let him not only touch me there before but also fuck me, I’m much more cautious now.

So he, for lack of a better word, rubbed my clit through my pants. Which ended with me coming and having an extremely hard time keeping my resistance up. Well we calm down a little after that to watch the movie some more. It was getting closer to the end and we were mainly cracking jokes about it and not paying much attention. Well we started kissing again, I know I’ve said it before but the Russian is an amazing kisser.

Well things progressed further to the point I’m on top on him and unbuttoning his pants. He knows how much I like to be asked to suck his dick and he proceeds to ask. And that begins. I’ve always enjoyed performing this activity with my previous boyfriends and I find myself enjoying it even more with him. He plays with my hair and tells me how he’s feeling and is very responsive to what I’m doing. Well this continues on till he finishes, after which he pulls me up to him and kisses me. Then he lays me beside him while he rubs my back. Well he end up just laying there talking to each other, me topless and him with no bottoms. I then go back and forth between playing with his member and touching his face with my other hand. We get friskier and I teased him with another blow job but stopped. We talk dirty to each other and he tells me how much of a turn on I am. Well once we finally come to terms that I need to leave I stand to get dressed and he bends me over the couch to play with my ass and pretty much tease himself and me. Once we finally get dressed and I’m walking to leave he’s hugging me harder and kissing me more, saying he wished I didn’t have to go. And I agreed with him. I then drive home much later than I should have been. I get to my house and let the boyfriend know I’m home. I text the Russian and tell him I’m home. I passed out but this morning I saw he sent, “Thanks for letting me know, sweet dreams :)”

So that was my night, and all I can think of is I can’t wait to see him again. I had tried Sunday to talk with the boyfriend about how I had been feeling and what I wanted. It did not go as expected. I’m pretty terrible at expressing my real feelings and what I want. The discussion gets to the living situation and he states that if we lived separately than he wouldn’t want us to continue seeing each other. And I can understand that but at the same time, I’m afraid to let the relationship go because of my fear of being alone. So now I’m just torn on what to do. The Russian I know isn’t going to wait forever, even if he is actually wanting to be with me. But what happens if I leave my boyfriend and just feel immediate regret? I’m on the verge of calling a medium or psychic who will charge me for advice.

Oh well. Until next time dear readers!

And It Continues

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So last night the Russian contacted me and actually attempted to hold a conversation with me. My phone had died so I stuck it on the charger and went about doing laundry and various other nighttime chores. I check my phone and see his name.

 

Charles Manson history on LMN…Channel….”

 

I instantly stop what I’m doing. First off, in our months of talking to each other I confessed my secret fondness for learning about serial killers and documentaries about them. So not only did he see this and think of me, he wanted to share.

 

I responded:

 

He’s the perfect example of what too much LSD can do to you.”

 

He writes back:

 

It’s pretty interesting.”

 

The conversation continues with us discussing Manson’s women and how insane they are. Then he brings up a football team we both like and how they are doing. The conversation ends. It lasted for maybe an hour? At no point did he mention the fact he hasn’t spoken to me in a week or the fact he blew me off after having sex for the third time.

 

Insert this morning, I head to work and try to prepare myself for the inevitable run ins. I get a text message from him:

 

Brought your movies today.”

 

I should mention I left my favorite movies at his house several weeks ago, I had forgotten about them until recently. I was ready to accept the fact I’d never see them again. I respond to him with a simple, “Cool,” and I have yet to hear anything else from him. He hasn’t come by my office to drop them off or asked me to meet at one of our vehicles. I have a feeling he’s going to want to meet because he can’t openly hand me movies without questions being asked around the office.

 

Now the wait continues to see how this progresses. The sad part is, I just want to have an honest talk with him and maybe try and get back what was there but I know I won’t because I simply got played.

 

Ugh, this sucks.