Thoughts: Break Ups, Bad Job and Dating?

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Every day sometimes feels like such a struggle for me. I’m three days away from exactly one month of not seeing the Russian, four days since I sent the letter. While I am focusing on bettering myself in different ways and trying to stay busy, I have moments that I let creep in and then I think of him. His voice, his touch, all the time spent with him and I get sad. How long until that goes away? I always have dreams that he pops into, almost every single night. I just want peace. And a part of me wants him to reach out to me. It’s been almost three weeks since we last spoke. I know I need to get over him and it, but it’s so hard. I do continue to workout five to six times a week, spend time with my pup and keep somewhat busy. But I have no fulfillment in anything.

I do not like my current job and am actively looking for a new one. Maybe if I actually liked my job it would be different and I’d be excited for each day. But when you get hired being told one thing and then everything is changed, you can’t stand your coworkers and even fake sick just so you don’t have to go in cannot be good signs. I want a job like I had when I was with the Russian, it had its moments but I loved that job. I was around so many people and made great friends. I miss the corporate world. This small business shit with less than 15 coworkers isn’t for me. Especially when I’m the youngest one here. And I also have no privacy or drive here, the work is way too slow and not challenging enough. But I needed to start having some money flowing in. Which is why I’m here but looking elsewhere.

I know I’m in a funk and I know I am also majorly sexually frustrated. I know I’m not ready to date but when I am, what are the best ways to date in a new city? Dating apps? Going for drinks? Do I go alone or with friends? I need some help.

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Just Don’t Know What to Do.

Why does it seem things always have to become so damn hard?

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When the Russian wanted me back, he made all these huge gestures and made big statements about love and us. Then it seemed around February it changed. I’m not sure if he got too comfortable, we moved too fast too soon, he is unsure or if I’m overthinking everything. After the holidays and my birthday things were just amazing. He told me he loved me on a regular basis, complimented me, talked to me and was always reassuring if I ever had questions or worries.

He finally had surgery for his back, that recovery time was hard because he basically lived with me for a month. I am so use to having my space at some point so we would bicker every now and then. I will say some of that could be blamed on me. He was always around and I was always having to cater to him, which in turn got to be exhausting because in my mind he should still be catering to me. Especially since I never did anything wrong.

When his house was finally finished he moved in and I became a little sad. In a sick way, as much as I wanted my own space I still wanted to see him and talk to him very day. So I became paranoid he’d go back to how he was before, and I’d never really see him. Then he’d just forget about me.

It just seems like lately we have been arguing so much more. I’m trying to change certain things or fix things, but it sometimes seems like it is not enough. He hasn’t told me he loves me in a month. Which I had finally brought up to him in an argument. Part of me wonders if I’m trying to push him away, or maybe he is trying to push me away. He doesn’t include me in as much anymore. He will say things like, “We don’t have to be so formal anymore.” Or, if he’s doing work at his business or home, instead of asking me to help he basically implies I should be a better girlfriend and just offer. But I never know what he’s doing. And previously, even when we weren’t officially dating, he would ask me to help and I always did.

He’s also starting to become controlling again. And mean. Very, very mean. He nitpicks on me for almost any and everything. The way I ask questions, give my opinion, drive, take care of my contacts, or whatever else he can think of he will tell me how I’m doing it wrong. What bothers me the most about that is he will now tell me, if I ask if he’s sure he wants this or me, is he tells me I’m being either insecure, needy or need to much reassurance and by me being that way pushes him away.

I just don’t know what to do at this point. Do I leave him and this relationship? Do I take a break? Do I give up all hope? I can’t stay in this weird limbo anymore and I certainly cannot bring it up to again or else I’ll get “in trouble” like a child.

We had a decent weekend together. Spent more time together from Thursday to last night than we have in almost two weeks. I’ll have to talk about that more later. I’m just so frustrated and confused. I have no one else I can really talk to about this anymore. My mom wants me to just leave him as she can’t stand him or the way he’s been treating me anymore. I’m somewhat mad at my best friend since she won’t be supportive or anything anymore even though I was there for her relationship problems. And we all know I can’t talk to him.

 

So what now?

A New, and Sweeter Journey

I’m not sure if anyone wants to know recent updates with my life. But I need to get this out one way or another, so enjoy!

Are the Russian and I still broken up? Yes. Have we still been seeing each other fairly regularly and pretending things are okay? Yes. Will this be continuing anymore? Fuck no. Why, you may ask? Because it has been made abundantly clear to me that the Russian has just been using me and taking advantage of my feelings for him. Now, does he realize that we won’t be continuing things? Of course not. I’m done. Done with the endless feelings of heartbreak, embarrassment, worthlessness and just unwanted. He is so kind and caring when he needs me in his life, but gives me NOTHING. So, I’m done. Easier said than done of course, but I’m trying. Seriously trying.

I cannot bear the idea of dating another guy/man child who can’t be honest with me on what he wants or whatever. And also expect me to spend more time, effort and money on them with nothing to show for it. So I’m trying things a little differently at this point. This is going to make my blog much more interesting from here on out I believe.

I do want to ask, how do you make that final step to remove someone from your life permanently? The issue with me doing that to the Russian is that I know he will show up to my house wanting serious answers as to why I won’t speak to him. I can’t necessarily give him an answer without revealing my sources. But let’s just say that when he tells me one thing, that is obviously not what he means and not what he’s telling other girls. I just can’t believe I was this stupid for the past almost three months after we ended things. I thought he genuinely wanted to work things out, and see if we could really be together. Now I just realize he is in fact just a player who doesn’t want commitment because he will never be able to commit. It completely broke my heart when these things were presented to me. Basically broke me as a person for a little while. I no longer truly believe in love, which may make my dating style much more enjoyable. I’m hoping to have him fully cut out of my life by next week. I’m making baby steps in my very own, disappearing act, to treat him to. It’s about time he experienced one after all the ones I dealt with. Do I sound bitter?

Amazing sex aside, it isn’t worth it anymore. Small moments of affection and false sense of hope can’t keep me content anymore. I’ve been back to my serious workout routine and I’m back in great shape. He has noticed and makes sure to mention it to me. But that is no longer for his benefit. I’ve never been really “single” before so I’m excited for this new journey and I hope you’re ready to read all about it!

Feelings and What? Pt. Two

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I didn’t text him or anything when I got home. I just did things around my house and tried to keep myself busy. Well, surprise surprise, he started to text me. He was asking about my interview the next day and if I planned on doing a half day for work. I definitely got the feeling he was digging for me to keep the conversation with him. I wasn’t putting a ton of effort in my responses back.

Him: “Ted (creep from work) asked me, ‘How did you convince (me) to go out with the lowly likes of you lol’”

Me: “Seriously? What a creep.”

Him: “I didn’t answer…he put lol but still”

Me: “That’s just rude, he’s probably jealous you didn’t ask him out lol”

Him: “Gross…disturbing”

Me: “I know lol it still is so rude he even said that”

Thinking back to that it makes me wonder if maybe this “Ted” guy and his comment made the Russian stop to think about things. Ted had asked me out a few times before, when I had just ended my relationship, but I was never interested. He is the definition of creepy. I had told the Russian about him so he knows about him; it was funny to us because he works for the company we worked for.

Well, we talked basically that entire night. He was flirty with me and kept the conversation going himself. Well, I had my interview the next day and it went really, really well. He made sure to text me an hour or so after it to ask me how it went. We talked for a little bit and the conversation ended.

That was until he asked me out for a date that night. I was pretty surprised he wanted to see me, but it was nice he wanted us to go on an actual date. He told me the plans were for dinner and a movie that night. When he came over it was still fairly early, we decided on a later movie so we could eat beforehand and not be rushed. When I opened the door for him he instantly went in for a hug, I returned one but kept my butt poked out. As usual he put his hand on my lower back and pushed me against him. We had one drink before we left and sat at my kitchen table to just talk. He told me I looked extremely hot, which was the point, then when we saw the time we both agreed it was time to go. He grabbed my jacket and helped me put it on, which was a first for him to do. Of course, after he put it on me he slapped my ass.

He opened my doors, car and buildings, for everywhere we went. On the way to the restaurant he told me he was glad I had wanted to see him, especially with him being weird right now but that he really wanted to see me. When we got to the restaurant we were seated pretty quickly. He knows what I like to eat so he ordered an appetizer for us and then ordered our meal. We both agreed we’d want popcorn at the theater so we shared an entrée, plus I don’t eat large portions and he knows this. Over dinner we talked about all kinds of topics, it felt a lot like a date. It was nice to have that moment and kind of refocused everything. When he walked us to the truck he of course opened my door and once again, slapped my ass. So much for backing off the physical things huh?

After dinner we still had about 40 minutes till the movie, the theater is across the city so we took a long way to the theater and just listened to music together while playing with each other. It was really nice to have him flirting with me again and make me feel just genuinely wanted. He made me promise him I wouldn’t let him eat all the popcorn once we got into the movie, because we both tend to start really snacking if we have to wait a while before it starts. Once we were seated for the movie I put the popcorn on the other side of me so it was out of his reach. The theater actually filled up pretty quickly to our surprise. The movie itself was a very good one, we both really enjoyed it. During the movie he would put his hand on my knee and stroke it, he’d also fidget some until I would touch his hand or his arm. Of course, I was wearing tights so he hand to move his hand every now and then because it got hot pretty quickly.

The movie ended fairly late but he wanted to come inside my house afterwards. I wasn’t sure what to say but I let him in and I proceeded to sit on one side of the couch with my legs tucked under me but turned away from him. He sat beside me, turned the tv and we just talked for a while. Eventually he laid his head in my lap like he use to do, this time however I did not instantly rub his head or touch him. This I’m pretty sure bothered him because he’d reach up to touch me. Eventually he made me lay across his chest but still was able to keep his head in my lap. I laid like that but didn’t touch him or anything. Even though he was extremely hard and made sure to…make it move because he knows I like that. He was pretty persistent with touching me and being a little frisky but I kept telling him no and pushing his hand away. Eventually I’m sitting on top of him as we continue this game of cat and mouse. He got my bra off but I remained fully clothed. Well, as I’m sitting there we actually just joke and play together. He makes me play the airplane game with him, where I balance my stomach on his feet, and then a bunch of other different ways. It was actually fun for me and really reminded me of the old Russian. Well as he brings me back to sitting on his lap he pulls me down to him and proceeds to really kiss me.

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He hasn’t just kissed me or made out with me in a long time so this was a big weakness for me. We kissed for a rather long time which was just amazing. At some point I sit myself up and he then proceeds to touch my breasts under my shirt, then he proceeds to suck on them. Well after a few seconds I regain my strength and lean back. He grabs my legs and puts my feet on his chest. Somehow I accidently hit his member and I immediately touched it and told him I was sorry. It didn’t hurt him because he was harder than a rock. Well he then asks me if I’d kiss it better. I get quiet and kind of look away.

Me: “You told me you didn’t want to do this anymore, I’m trying to respect your wishes.”

Him: “I know what I said and I probably shouldn’t have said all that. It isn’t that I don’t want you, I can’t help myself when you’re near me.”

Him: “I’ve had a really great time tonight so far, it’s been so much fun.”

Me: “I completely agree. Tonight really reminded me of the old you and I really liked it.”

I probably forgot to mention that he’s been getting deeper into his religion and has been reading about pre-marital sex and that’s a big reason why he wanted to take a big step back from the sexual things. Which I agreed with and said okay to doing because I felt it was important to further this relationship.

I told him that by him being this was really confused me because I want to do the date nights and then have nights together like this too. But I was trying to respect his wishes and not be all about the physical things. I asked him if the only reason he wanted me around was for this (hooking up). He got pretty upset and said no, that it isn’t even remotely true. I do believe him because we have many moments when we don’t do sexual things but it just throws me off when he’s like that.

Well we stop but then something happens and I basically tease him by sucking on his finger in a pretty provocative way. Well I do this for a few minutes, watching his mouth open slightly as his eyes closed and rolled up. Finally he yanked his hand away from me, stood up to go to my kitchen for gum, then came back and stood in front of me. He pulled me up and wrapped my arms around his shoulders as he walked us into my room. He shut the door a little then pulled me against him and started to kiss me again. He took my shirt off and I started to touch him. That’s the hardest he’s been in a long time, almost painfully hard. Just me touching him through his jeans made his body start to almost convulse instinctively. I slowly made my way to just touching him through his jeans and he continued to kiss me and grab my chest. He did try to touch me but I kept resisting him and telling him no. He was extremely persistent and didn’t like me telling him no. Finally I had him standing by my bed naked and me still partially clothed. He asked me if I’d suck his cock and well, we all know I can’t resist when he asks me like that. Plus, I adore this man and adore his cock. I kneeled down in front of him and slowly wrapped my lips around his head, just to tease him. I felt his whole body just relax as he moaned.

He grabbed my hair in his hands and let me stay kneeling for a little while. Then he pulled us up to the bed so we would be more comfortable. He took my high waist shorts off so I was just in my tights while sucking him. After a while he pulled me up to face him and he grinded himself against me while I was in the tights. He loved the fabric, it was something he hadn’t experience before and I’d say he liked the way it felt. Somehow he slid himself into my tights and proceeded to grind himself against the outside of my entrance, no penetration at this point. It feels great and he moans as he says, “God, you’re so wet and I haven’t touched you yet.”

After we do that for a little while I move back down to continue giving him a BJ. As I said before I can now deep throat him and he’s starting to be able to thrust a few times while I’m doing that. It’s still taking some practice but I’m getting there, as I told him we would. He moves on the bed and pulls me back up to do what we had been doing. While doing that he slowly slides into me. I had to remove the tights after a while, sadly. We didn’t use a condom this time, of course we said we’d get one after just a second but everyone knows that doesn’t happen. We proceed to have pretty passionate sex. He’s touching me and being very responsive and vocal. He also directs me in a way he wants me to be on top of him, because of the amount of foreplay we had and the fact he had an erection for at least two hours he couldn’t hold back any longer. He told me before he came so I was able to move down and finish him with my mouth.

I wasn’t able to have an orgasm during the sex, I came close but it just didn’t happen. As I rolled off of him I distanced myself a little since I know how he is but he instantly grabbed me and pulled me close to him. He continued to play with me until I had three orgasms. When he finished he brought his fingers to my mouth and I proceeded to suck myself off of him. He did surprise me because he held me for a while afterwards. Rubbing my arm, side and playing with my hair while just holding me. He kissed my forehead and then went to rinse off. Neither one of us realized it was basically 4 am at this point so after he rinsed off and got dressed I put on some sweat pants and a tank top, we went to the living room for a little bit to talk and then I walked him out. We kissed and hugged good bye.

I had this feeling of worry and regret because after the week I had I promised myself no more sexual things with him. Especially since that is what he wanted. The next day I didn’t hear from him till later that night asking what I was up to.

Him: “Do you feel like hanging out with an old man?”

Me: “I don’t think I’d mind that, you want some company?”

Him: “Love some”

Him: “I’m planning to go to church in the morning if you wanna come too”

Me: “I’d like that a lot…should I bring stuff with me or will I be coming back to my house tonight?”

Him: “Just bring stuff”

So I went over there and we actually had a fun night together. We watched a movie and had a few drinks before going to bed. I wasn’t sexual with him and kept things from getting there. Well he had set an alarm for us and told me to make sure he was up at a certain time. He’s been having a major issue sleeping so when the alarm went off he woke me up and I sat up to start getting ready. That’s when he told me in the saddest voice that he got no sleep at all. So I sat back in the bed and then he just made me lay down. Well he was on his phone typing then handed it over to me:

Him: “I’ve been up since 5:30 and can’t fall back asleep…will you help me go to sleep?”

Me: “How can I help you fall asleep?”

Him: “BJ”

I let out a little groan and laugh then set his phone down, he grabbed it from me.

Him: “Please 😦 “

Me: “I guess I could help a little”

I did help him fall back asleep. He got a pretty hot BJ that lasted about 30 minutes. He also was very interested in touching my hair, face and breasts. After he came he held me for a little while and then we both passed out. Once we got up we spent a little more time together. Watching tv, talking and him showing some designs he had down for his business. After a few hours I left and went home.

He did text me later that night. This week he’s talked to me every day, and actually kept a conversation with me. Two days ago he asked if I wanted to go walking in his neighborhood and I of course did. We did several miles until it started to get colder and darker. We talked the entire time and he was very protective over me while walking. He kept moving me away from traffic and making sure I was safe from vehicles. After he asked if I wanted to go to his mom’s house and see what they were doing. So we went in there and I ate dinner with him and his mom. His sister had left after a little while but it was nice to feel included. After we ate, we all visited for a little while longer and then I got up to leave. His mom walked us out, hugged us both, and the Russian walked me to my car. We were playful and kissed goodbye a few times. Nothing physical happened, we just spent some time together. Once I got home he started texting me and asking me about my work schedule so he would know if we could go walking again this week.

Of course we talked basically all night. Yesterday we talked during the day and then he asked me to go walk with him again. We did and were probably even more playful. At one point, because it was chilly, he kept putting his cold hands on my neck and under my shirt so I tried to retaliate and we ended up chasing each other a few blocks. It was probably the most fun I’ve had in a long time with him, just being in that moment and honestly not caring who was watching or what we looked like. Well, after that we went back to his place to shower, change and then get some food. After I showered he was playing his video game so when he went to shower I continued playing. After his we talked about dinner, ordered food and waited to go pick it up he turned on a show he had been watching. I set up my Netflix account at his house and since he’s had trouble sleeping he’s been watching it late at night.

On the way to get dinner he told me that if for some reason he isn’t really playful or cheery with me later it’s because he’s just tired. I told him I appreciated him telling me that and if he didn’t really feel like having company I’d understand and it wouldn’t be a big deal. He said that wasn’t the case at all he just didn’t want me to get my feelings hurt if he wasn’t playful. Well, it turned out he was still pretty playful and in a good mood. After we ate we kept watching this show of his and talking. After a few episodes he asked me to make a drink and I was about to until he made me lay on the pillow in his lap. He started to really slap my ass, to prove a point after I gave him a hard time about not doing that very hard. Once he gave me three or four extremely hard slaps he then started to just play with my hair. It was fun because we basically goof off with each other and it isn’t weird. As usual, he did take my bra off. I jokingly tried to block one of my boobs from him and in the cutest voice he said, “Stop it, I just want to play.” So I let him continue with that. He did at one point try to get his hand down my pants but I wouldn’t let him touch me. He was very persistent and didn’t like me telling him no. He kept changing the name for it as a joke we do, but he wanted to just touch my clit. Well I kept my strength and didn’t let him. He once again had a massive erection and made sure I was aware of it in ways only he can do. He eventually laid down with his head by my feet and my head in his lap. He just rubbed and massaged my legs for a while and I proceeded to playfully poke him in his belly button. It’s weird but something I enjoy doing when he lets me.

In typical Russian fashion he put my hand directly onto him and said if I was going to fidget and play with something than it needed to be something useful. I didn’t really respond to the comment and didn’t move to instantly grab him. That got to him and he made another comment then unbuttoned his pants to free his member. I proceeded to lightly touch it but nothing more. He asked me if I saw something that happened on the show and I reminded him at the angle I was at I couldn’t see it. So he sat me up and tried to position me so he was basically lying between my thighs. I knew where that would lead so I moved and had him just lay in my lap. He laid me forward so I was lying across his stomach/chest. I continued to play with him using just my hands until he brought the head of his cock to my lips.

I don’t know if it was the angle, the fact all the lights were still on or because we were 100% sober but that particular BJ really rocked his world. At one point while I was sucking he asked if I still wanted a drink, I told him I did and he said he’d make one but he may have to take me with him. I figured that would probably a fun thing to try and do. So I nodded and kept doing what I was doing waiting for him to wiggle around and us move. Well, I must have changed pressure or a movement on him because not even 30 seconds later he was telling me he was coming, not the “I’m going to” he normally gives me, he literally just couldn’t stop it. After as he laid in my lap he told me he wasn’t sure what happened but I did something and it just couldn’t be helped. That was probably one of the quickest ones I had given him, long foreplay helps make him reach his orgasm easier. Which I don’t mind giving him long BJs but my jaw appreciated the break for once.

The rest of that night we had one drink, a rather strong one, and then continued watching this show and talking. When it was time for bed he actually slept in a normal position with me that he hasn’t done in a while. Typically for him to get comfy he’d lay the opposite direction of me. By that I mean his head are by my feet and his feet are by my head.  Well he actually slept next to me and I got to rub his head and scratch his back till it put us both to sleep. When I woke up this morning I was just excited he slept next to me like that all night that well, I rewarded him with another BJ. However, this one lasted an hour and a half. It was pretty intense and he could have come a lot sooner but when he asked if I was “ready for some cum” I shook my head no and slowed my pace. He groaned loudly and told me that I was the boss and for me to tell him when he could. I didn’t deep throat him as much because that makes him go pretty quickly.

After “torturing” him for a while longer I asked if he was ready to cum and he showed me that he was ready. After he held me for a little while and then I got up to start getting ready for work. He rolled over to my side of the bed, buried himself under the covers and said, “I’m so comfortable…going back to sleep now.” I got ready for work in his bathroom and when I finished I hated waking him up to tell him bye but he woke a little and told me he was dreaming. He hasn’t slept good in a while so I left quietly.

I will say I’m glad I resisted his advances for more than what we did, I should probably decline doing those as well but I enjoy it just as much. He’s more than likely still asleep so I’ll wait to hear from him.

And that’s my life up to today…literally. I was a little over an hour late to work but I’m leaving this job after next week and well, no one cared. Plus, it was so worth it.

If anyone has any thoughts they’d like to share or any suggestions/opinions on what’s been going on with the Russian feel free to share! I’ll say things are going in a good direction, but we will see what good ole V-Day holds for us. Wish me luck!