The End is the Beginning is the End

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I think this may be the hardest post I’ve had to right so far. The Russian and I have officially broken up. The weirdest part? I basically sensed that it was going to happen. The last few weeks just have not been good for us. I was doing things that he wanted and getting nothing in return. He basically stopped giving me any kind of affection besides sex. When he asked to come over last Thursday my sixth sense kicked in.

To basically sum it all up, he told me “I love you” for the first time in our relationship. But he followed it with “But I don’t know if I’m in love with you” which really stabbed that knife in a little deeper. We both sat on my couch crying while this happened. He talked a lot more than I did. I knew there was no point in me saying much because I couldn’t change his mind. He told me maybe he was making the biggest mistake of his life and maybe he’s damaged. He said nothing was wrong with me, I’m a wonderful girlfriend and we get along great, plus our physical chemistry was off the charts. I treat him amazing but still…nothing. Just like it was back in February.

In normal guy fashion he asked me if I was going to be okay. I told him that I was and am in love with him so I won’t be okay for a while but I will be eventually. We talked more but it was a slight blur to me. When he left I called my mom and closest friends to tell them. Oh, and cry uncontrollably. The whole weekend we didn’t speak to each other. Mainly because he asked me if I wanted us to be friends or him just completely disappear. I told him I couldn’t really think at that moment about it.

Sunday  morning he sent me a text saying, “Just wanted to say hi and hope your weekend was ok.” Then that afternoon he sent me a text asking if I was home. I still have a lot of his stuff here so I figured he wanted to get it. But he just asked for some specific thing. I told him I was home and if he wanted to get whatever that was fine. He came over. We kind of talked, I’ll give an overview. He asked about my weekend again, I said it was okay and my family came in. I asked about his and he said it was okay just really weird (considering we were together basically every single day for a year). He got what he needed and told me he would get the rest of it later unless I wanted him to now.

I knew I couldn’t handle him being in my home for much longer without crying I just told him he could get it later, that was fine with me. He gave me a hug. Then told me that maybe if we are both still single we can maybe have dinner or see a movie, he even was nice enough to say, “Nothing physical, not like that.” Which we all know is complete shit.

We had more small talk before he left and then he did. I crashed on my couch and bawled my eyes out. Knowing I’ve been demoted to something like that hurt even more because I’m still in love with him. Deeply so and it just broke my heart all over again.

Later that night he texted me after a show we use to watch together ended. We talked about it and then nothing.

Today, he told me he was going to be traveling out of state again for work. This is how that conversation went:

Him: “Back to ______ tomorrow”

Me: “That’s gonna be fun”

Him: “Wanna come?”

Me: “Lol I have to work”

Him: “lol”

Me: “I have to be at an event so I can’t work from home”

Him: “I wouldn’t have expected you to sacrifice a day for driving with me lol”

Me: “Lol uh huh”

Him: “Really didn’t think you would lol”

Me: “Lol I just cant, you picked a day I actually have to work”

I know what you all are going to say. I should have told him to just stop and leave me alone, that he was dragging me on and needed to leave it alone. I still have the old mind set that I want to do whatever he asks and drop everything for him. I know I shouldn’t, and I won’t anymore.

If someone could explain to me why, if you aren’t in love with someone but know they are, why keep doing this to them? If it was me, I wouldn’t be reaching out to him because I would realize how much it hurts him. It sucks not hearing from him but it reopens the wounds every time he reaches out to me. I haven’t thought about him since Sunday and then he texts me.

Now, I’m officially single and not quite sure what to even do with myself. I haven’t really “dated” or been single in over 5 years so what now? Also, I’m horrified that I may never have good sex again. Is that awful to think about? Ugh. I’m really sad and confused right now. Any advice would definitely be accepted right now.

Part of me wants him to just wake up and realize what he’s losing then do whatever it takes to win me back. But I know that more than likely won’t happen. And if it doesn’t, I just want him to leave me alone and let me move on. I already have had guys ask me on dates and all that, but I know I’m not ready for that because they would just be a rebound. Mainly because my heart isn’t ready for that again. I’m kind of in a “fuck love” type of mood now. I’m also aware that since my sex life is nothing now I’m going to be really aggravated which will make work even better.

Well, send me your positive thoughts as I go through a new journey now. Brightside?! I can blog as much as I want now! I have a brand new laptop and a whole lotta free time on my hands.

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