A New, and Sweeter Journey

I’m not sure if anyone wants to know recent updates with my life. But I need to get this out one way or another, so enjoy!

Are the Russian and I still broken up? Yes. Have we still been seeing each other fairly regularly and pretending things are okay? Yes. Will this be continuing anymore? Fuck no. Why, you may ask? Because it has been made abundantly clear to me that the Russian has just been using me and taking advantage of my feelings for him. Now, does he realize that we won’t be continuing things? Of course not. I’m done. Done with the endless feelings of heartbreak, embarrassment, worthlessness and just unwanted. He is so kind and caring when he needs me in his life, but gives me NOTHING. So, I’m done. Easier said than done of course, but I’m trying. Seriously trying.

I cannot bear the idea of dating another guy/man child who can’t be honest with me on what he wants or whatever. And also expect me to spend more time, effort and money on them with nothing to show for it. So I’m trying things a little differently at this point. This is going to make my blog much more interesting from here on out I believe.

I do want to ask, how do you make that final step to remove someone from your life permanently? The issue with me doing that to the Russian is that I know he will show up to my house wanting serious answers as to why I won’t speak to him. I can’t necessarily give him an answer without revealing my sources. But let’s just say that when he tells me one thing, that is obviously not what he means and not what he’s telling other girls. I just can’t believe I was this stupid for the past almost three months after we ended things. I thought he genuinely wanted to work things out, and see if we could really be together. Now I just realize he is in fact just a player who doesn’t want commitment because he will never be able to commit. It completely broke my heart when these things were presented to me. Basically broke me as a person for a little while. I no longer truly believe in love, which may make my dating style much more enjoyable. I’m hoping to have him fully cut out of my life by next week. I’m making baby steps in my very own, disappearing act, to treat him to. It’s about time he experienced one after all the ones I dealt with. Do I sound bitter?

Amazing sex aside, it isn’t worth it anymore. Small moments of affection and false sense of hope can’t keep me content anymore. I’ve been back to my serious workout routine and I’m back in great shape. He has noticed and makes sure to mention it to me. But that is no longer for his benefit. I’ve never been really “single” before so I’m excited for this new journey and I hope you’re ready to read all about it!

The End is the Beginning is the End

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I think this may be the hardest post I’ve had to right so far. The Russian and I have officially broken up. The weirdest part? I basically sensed that it was going to happen. The last few weeks just have not been good for us. I was doing things that he wanted and getting nothing in return. He basically stopped giving me any kind of affection besides sex. When he asked to come over last Thursday my sixth sense kicked in.

To basically sum it all up, he told me “I love you” for the first time in our relationship. But he followed it with “But I don’t know if I’m in love with you” which really stabbed that knife in a little deeper. We both sat on my couch crying while this happened. He talked a lot more than I did. I knew there was no point in me saying much because I couldn’t change his mind. He told me maybe he was making the biggest mistake of his life and maybe he’s damaged. He said nothing was wrong with me, I’m a wonderful girlfriend and we get along great, plus our physical chemistry was off the charts. I treat him amazing but still…nothing. Just like it was back in February.

In normal guy fashion he asked me if I was going to be okay. I told him that I was and am in love with him so I won’t be okay for a while but I will be eventually. We talked more but it was a slight blur to me. When he left I called my mom and closest friends to tell them. Oh, and cry uncontrollably. The whole weekend we didn’t speak to each other. Mainly because he asked me if I wanted us to be friends or him just completely disappear. I told him I couldn’t really think at that moment about it.

Sunday  morning he sent me a text saying, “Just wanted to say hi and hope your weekend was ok.” Then that afternoon he sent me a text asking if I was home. I still have a lot of his stuff here so I figured he wanted to get it. But he just asked for some specific thing. I told him I was home and if he wanted to get whatever that was fine. He came over. We kind of talked, I’ll give an overview. He asked about my weekend again, I said it was okay and my family came in. I asked about his and he said it was okay just really weird (considering we were together basically every single day for a year). He got what he needed and told me he would get the rest of it later unless I wanted him to now.

I knew I couldn’t handle him being in my home for much longer without crying I just told him he could get it later, that was fine with me. He gave me a hug. Then told me that maybe if we are both still single we can maybe have dinner or see a movie, he even was nice enough to say, “Nothing physical, not like that.” Which we all know is complete shit.

We had more small talk before he left and then he did. I crashed on my couch and bawled my eyes out. Knowing I’ve been demoted to something like that hurt even more because I’m still in love with him. Deeply so and it just broke my heart all over again.

Later that night he texted me after a show we use to watch together ended. We talked about it and then nothing.

Today, he told me he was going to be traveling out of state again for work. This is how that conversation went:

Him: “Back to ______ tomorrow”

Me: “That’s gonna be fun”

Him: “Wanna come?”

Me: “Lol I have to work”

Him: “lol”

Me: “I have to be at an event so I can’t work from home”

Him: “I wouldn’t have expected you to sacrifice a day for driving with me lol”

Me: “Lol uh huh”

Him: “Really didn’t think you would lol”

Me: “Lol I just cant, you picked a day I actually have to work”

I know what you all are going to say. I should have told him to just stop and leave me alone, that he was dragging me on and needed to leave it alone. I still have the old mind set that I want to do whatever he asks and drop everything for him. I know I shouldn’t, and I won’t anymore.

If someone could explain to me why, if you aren’t in love with someone but know they are, why keep doing this to them? If it was me, I wouldn’t be reaching out to him because I would realize how much it hurts him. It sucks not hearing from him but it reopens the wounds every time he reaches out to me. I haven’t thought about him since Sunday and then he texts me.

Now, I’m officially single and not quite sure what to even do with myself. I haven’t really “dated” or been single in over 5 years so what now? Also, I’m horrified that I may never have good sex again. Is that awful to think about? Ugh. I’m really sad and confused right now. Any advice would definitely be accepted right now.

Part of me wants him to just wake up and realize what he’s losing then do whatever it takes to win me back. But I know that more than likely won’t happen. And if it doesn’t, I just want him to leave me alone and let me move on. I already have had guys ask me on dates and all that, but I know I’m not ready for that because they would just be a rebound. Mainly because my heart isn’t ready for that again. I’m kind of in a “fuck love” type of mood now. I’m also aware that since my sex life is nothing now I’m going to be really aggravated which will make work even better.

Well, send me your positive thoughts as I go through a new journey now. Brightside?! I can blog as much as I want now! I have a brand new laptop and a whole lotta free time on my hands.

An Endless Cycle…Apparently.

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I’m sorry I have neglected writing the past few days! Adult life can get so busy sometimes. Add in the fact I can’t really write when I’m home since this is a “secret” blog. Where I left off last time was waiting on the Russian to return my movies. That was a week ago. And as of today I still have not gotten them back from him. He still randomly will text me. He sent me a message about cupcakes last week, asking if I had brought some because they looked like some I’ve brought in the past.

The most recent conversation was Sunday. He has been building his house and doing the finishing touches on his bathroom, which he included my opinions in designing it. Douche. So he sent me a picture of the bathroom finished:

Me – “It looks really good finished.”

Him – “Thank you 🙂 I’m so glad to be done”

Him “That was a bitch of a project to do alone”

Me – “I would think so, seems like a pain in the ass.”

Him – “Very messy”

Me – “At least it is done now.”

Him – “Yep and saved about 1500-2000 doing it myself”

Me – “That’s good you saved that much”

Insert Gollum meme I sent him

Him – “LMAO”

Him – “I used a golem quote earlier”

Me – “That’s just nerdy.”

Him – “My buddy said ‘They is crazy’ and I said ‘yes precious, they is’ lol”

Me – “Lol nice”

 

And that was it for that conversation. Nothing about my movies, what he did or anything I’m not quite sure why he keeps this up. I recently told my best friend about this and said “You know, he hit it and quit it….so he needs to just quit it.” I still feel like this is true. He took time out of his life and mine pretending to care about getting to know me. I mean he literally told me all kinds of things about himself, his family, life, dreams and all this shit for nothing. That’s what bothers me the most because I really began to like him. And he would make a great friend to have but apparently I was wrong.

I try to keep the conversations kind of distant; I’m not going to through in my usual happy exclamation marks or emojis after all this. Even though I want to and I was so excited about his bathroom, I have to remind myself to keep my distance.

Well things with the boyfriend are on a seesaw it seems. One day things are good and then others I’m reminded of why I have the feelings I just want to leave. He can be so attentive at one moment and then another it is just like I’m in the background.

I feel so torn by what I’ve done and it is starting to eat away at me. My mom thinks I should wait till after the holidays to really tell him how I’ve been feeling and suggest moving out. She knows me well because she knows the main reason I didn’t really end things before is because I’m terrified of being alone. And the incident with the Russian doesn’t help me feel better about that. It’s not going to be a very happy holiday season for me with all this on my mind but I’m hoping it gets better.

I’m sure if I had my movies I’d be a little happier.