Keeping Score


Ten days. 240 hours. 14400 minutes.

That’s how long it has been since I last heard from the Russian. And I wouldn’t even consider that a conversation, just an “Ok” and that was it.

I spent the night with this “man” last Saturday. From about 9 pm to 10:30 am I was with him. Not only was I with him but he was sweet on me, touching me and all that stupid touchy feely shit. Gave him how many blowjobs? Oh that’s right, FOUR.


Do I sound pissed? Because I am.

I’m not hurt or sad, I’m pissed. Pissed I once again let a guy just use me for his own needs. Instead of being honest and telling me what he wanted he lied and made me believe there was something there.

This is why I fear being single. All these ridiculous games one plays for no other reason but to get what they want. What’s sad is I use to be able to play these games and I didn’t even like doing it.

I’m sick of men and their stupid fucking games, because we all know they continue to get away with it and probably always will. Why? I believe if a woman confronted a man about it he would turn it completely around on her and make her feel like shit. WHY? Because they know we tend to be emotional creatures and if we feel we have hurt someone or something stupid like that we will cave.


The funny part? Not all women are emotional creatures. I may have moments when I feel emotional or get sad. Those are few and far between. The majority of the time I get annoyed and aggravated when people try to play on me emotions.

Like when the Russian told me, “That’s my face” one night we were together. Was him playing my emotions, because I never knew he felt that way about me. Oh wait, he didn’t. I just believed he did which caused me to really think about things with him.


Fucking asshole.

I put my relationship and future at a serious risk for HIM. And for what?? Nothing. Another notch in his headboard and another number in his count. Not only did I do that but I have such serious thoughts and regrets that I honestly have to separate from my boyfriend. Because I have seen what real passion can be like, what it should be like to feel wanted and desired.

Even if the asshole that did it is obviously just playing me.

And what’s even worse? I miss him. I miss the way he could make me laugh, I miss joking with him and just spending time with him.


Even though it is apparent that was all a game.


Disillusioned Young One – 0

Let the games continue.



And It Continues




So last night the Russian contacted me and actually attempted to hold a conversation with me. My phone had died so I stuck it on the charger and went about doing laundry and various other nighttime chores. I check my phone and see his name.


Charles Manson history on LMN…Channel….”


I instantly stop what I’m doing. First off, in our months of talking to each other I confessed my secret fondness for learning about serial killers and documentaries about them. So not only did he see this and think of me, he wanted to share.


I responded:


He’s the perfect example of what too much LSD can do to you.”


He writes back:


It’s pretty interesting.”


The conversation continues with us discussing Manson’s women and how insane they are. Then he brings up a football team we both like and how they are doing. The conversation ends. It lasted for maybe an hour? At no point did he mention the fact he hasn’t spoken to me in a week or the fact he blew me off after having sex for the third time.


Insert this morning, I head to work and try to prepare myself for the inevitable run ins. I get a text message from him:


Brought your movies today.”


I should mention I left my favorite movies at his house several weeks ago, I had forgotten about them until recently. I was ready to accept the fact I’d never see them again. I respond to him with a simple, “Cool,” and I have yet to hear anything else from him. He hasn’t come by my office to drop them off or asked me to meet at one of our vehicles. I have a feeling he’s going to want to meet because he can’t openly hand me movies without questions being asked around the office.


Now the wait continues to see how this progresses. The sad part is, I just want to have an honest talk with him and maybe try and get back what was there but I know I won’t because I simply got played.


Ugh, this sucks.