Will You Tell Me How’s It Going To Be?

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So much happened from the day after my last post, it’s pretty insane.

The boyfriend and I have officially broken up, as in, I’m in a separate bedroom in the house and we’re both searching for our own places. Even though I do already have mine and will be in it next month.

 

How did this break up happen you wonder? In order to save room for the rest of what’s been going on I’ll give you the abridged version. He asked to look at my cell phone, specifically my text conversations. I couldn’t let him do that so I resisted, three hours later after revealing true feelings and thoughts we decided to end things and find our own places.

It was a little rough on me, I hate ending things and I did once love him more than anything. We’ve been together getting close to six years now and lived together for probably five of those six. Now comes the daunting task of going through who gets what and moving into a new place. It is a weird situation though, because I still have to break my habits of wanting a kiss hello or goodbye, but I’m working on it.

 

Things with the Russian are going really well, after Tuesday night we opened up a whole new barrier between us. But I’m getting ahead of myself already.

 

Two days after the boyfriend and I ended things I went to see the Russian. Grabbed some food for us like usual and headed to his house, this was on a Friday so I didn’t have any time restrictions. We did our usual thing and I finally got caught up on the show we had been watching together. We also had sex, twice. The second time was not expected at all but worth it. I don’t have a lot of details because that happened about two weeks ago! After that we talked some over the weekend as usual.

 

The next week we didn’t see each other but we talked almost every day. He’s been having issues with work and we spend a lot of time talking about that. He always asks for my opinion about what’s going on and how I think he handled something. I was a little sad I didn’t get to see him last week, especially since he knew that the boyfriend and I had broken up but I kept myself busy and didn’t stay at the house too much over that weekend. We did however talk to each other over the entire weekend. I had gone out with some of my friends Saturday night and I was talking with him that night, and Sunday we spoke all day and late into the night. He had asked if I could see him Monday but I had plans and couldn’t, but we continued to talk to each other the rest of that night.

 

Tuesday came and we talked, I initiated a conversation that led to him asking if I wanted to have dinner and watch a movie.

I, of course, did so I finished getting ready and went to his house. Monday night we had been talking about him updating his resume and he sent it to me just to look over via email and give him my first thoughts on it. Well when I got there he asked if I would mind looking over it again with him. I was glad he had asked me to help him with something like that, we probably spent two hours between going through his resume and just talking. He told me he liked that we could just spend time with each other like that, since normally we usually get right into the show. Once we had gotten through his resume and felt good about it, we got on the topic of my looks. We had the usual discussion on how he doesn’t believe I don’t find myself attractive and all that jazz.

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Eventually we started a movie, or attempted to start one. We put the movie in put paused it as soon as it started. He had asked me why the boyfriend and I ended. I explained what all happened to him and this is when things got very real. We talked about what this could turn into, his explanation for our “extended quietnesses” and any reserves we have with each other.

 

He explained that he can see what we have now becoming more, but he doesn’t want me to jump from one relationship to another and at the same time he’s worried I might meet someone else once I moved out and that would cause me to just leave him. I told him I’m not looking for anyone else and I also don’t want to just jump into another relationship. He told me the reason we sometimes don’t speak, on his part, is because that is his way of not getting too attached to me given the situation we are in. He was worried he would and then I’d either just stay with my boyfriend or I had just been using him. I told him that’s the reason I never made a big deal out of it because it wouldn’t be fair of me to set expectations for him giving the situation and how complicated it is right now. He told me that he really liked that I was able to understand that and not get immediately mad at him, his exact words were, “I know you can lay the law down and I can see that in you, but I appreciate it that you understand why things have been this way.”

 

We didn’t sleep together that night, it was my time of the month, but other stuff did happen of course. He wanted me to set a goal for how many orgasms he could give me that night, just from touching me. I said eight, well he easily surpassed that goal. Things did get fairly dirty, he made a point to make me suck his finger and he’d put it down my throat to see if I’d gag…I didn’t of course. That drove him crazy. He also proceeded to rub his dick against me, without a condom on. I resisted at first but he said he just wanted to touch me and I couldn’t really resist him.

 

When I finally convinced him I needed to leave he started walking me to my car but stopped me against the door, and then my car. Teasing me. I had been bent over in some shorts and I told him I wanted him to fuck me while I wore these, he told me he planned on it.

 

The next day we started by talking about the night before and how things went. Then we joked with each and talked on and off during the day. That night we talked more about his work issues and what was currently going on with that. That night he mentioned he wanted to tell me specific stuff about work in person and that if I was in my own place he wouldn’t have minded coming by to talk to me. I told him it wouldn’t be much longer and he asked the date again. Then he offered to help me move, I wasn’t going to ask too many people to help me and I didn’t want to ask him. I told him that and he said I should have known he would offer and that he can lend me his trailer and help. That surprised me a lot but I told him thank you.

 

After talking that night I didn’t hear from him until Thursday afternoon, when he asked to see me again. I was a little surprised because we usually don’t see each other that quickly in one week but I agreed and went over there. Thursday night we ate and again had some more serious talks about things. He wanted me to be more honest with him about certain things so I finally asked him if he’s ever told anybody about us and me. He said besides the friend who we’ve hung out with? I told him yes. He mentioned he told two of his best friends that live further away. He said he didn’t want to tell too many people because 1. If things fell through he didn’t want to look like an idiot and 2. We both know the same people so word could get out fairly easy. He then wanted to know why I asked him that, at first I didn’t really want to tell him but I finally said I was just curious if he was embarrassed by me. He literally looked so shocked when I said that.

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He couldn’t believe I would think that about myself. He then went on another longish rant about my looks and how beautiful I am and that I should never think like that. He asked if I thought I was good looking enough for him and I kind of shrugged my shoulders at him and he was literally telling me that I was too pretty for him. And then we started talking about numbering each other and all that again. I told him I feel average about myself and he told me he would rank me a nine on looks alone. This went on for a little while and we finally started watching a movie again.

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We started fooling around with each other and while I was kissing him I said I wished he was inside of me, and he told me he wanted to be and that he didn’t mind it being that time of the month. So he got us a towel and I went to the bathroom. When I came back he had everything laid out and ready to go for us. He made a comment about the condoms and the fact he had to get the smaller ones because they were out of his normal size…magnum XL if anyone was wondering.

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So we started on the couch with me on top for a while, and then eventually we moved to standing and him behind me. He leaned me over this big chair of his and pretty much went to town on me. Slapping my ass and all that jazz. Then we got into his bed and he put another condom on, I was starting to feel somewhat bad because I knew they were too small for him but he never complained. We stayed in his bed with him on top of me with my legs on his shoulders until he came. We eventually went back to the couch and watched the movie again till it ended.

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We eventually picked another movie out but somehow we talked about singing so he turned on some music and we started singing with each other. He has a really good voice and he normally always refuses to sing to me. I can’t really sing but I went along with him. Two songs really stuck out to me that he picked to play and sing. The first was “All of Me” by John Legend and the other was “Let’s Get it On” by Marvin Gaye. I say these two because he really sang those and would squeeze me closer to him while he did it. He had me laying with my back against his chest this entire time. We probably laid there singing and talking for a good hour if not more.

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As things normally do, we got frisky again for a round two. He made a comment about the “tiny” condoms and when I looked at them I realized how small they were compared to him. Well, needless to say we had sex without them for the second round. And he felt absolutely amazing to me. I know we shouldn’t have but it’s like I just couldn’t help myself. Of course, when he got closer to coming he asked where he should come, I asked where he wanted. Typical guy answer…on my face and in my mouth.

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I did say no at first, it’s more of a control thing for me to not let that happen but he eventually broke my barriers down and he stood me up to fuck me from behind, and then when he was about to come he spun me around, put me on my knees and came in my mouth and on my face. I was a little shocked it actually happened and he could tell by my facial expression. But he got me a wet towel and helped me clean my face off. This was around almost 4 am by this point when we finished, and as usual I had to leave. He didn’t want me to go but knew I had to. The next morning he started talking to me again, making fun of me for keeping him up all night. Of course, he brought up the fact I didn’t make him use a condom. He then asked what times are usually the ones you need to wear protection, I thought to myself well all the time but I told him when I’m ovulating you have to be more careful.

 

We talked some that afternoon but I was busy driving back from a business meeting and running off two hours of sleep so after I ate dinner I all but passed out. He sent me his usual text at about midnight that night:

 

Him: “Whaaaaaaaaaat”

Me: “Hello sir”

Him: “JJs, dance floor”

Me: “Lol getting your groove on?”

Him: “McMinnville, C’mon. Fucking word smith lmao”

(I know, that made no sense to me either but he was wasted)

Me: “Lol! Having fun?”

Him: “Bout to…wish we could be in public”

Me: “I know, me too…it won’t be much longer and we can”

Him: “What you doing?”

Me: “Just laying in bed all alone”

Him: “I’m talking to (my ex boyfriend’s name) right now. No shit.”

Me: “Lol that’s weird

Him: “Yes”

Him: “Can you come get me? I’ll walk down the road”

Me: “You need a ride home?”

Him: “Yes, the guy I’m with is palling around with your roommate”

 

Well I decided I would go get him and bring him home, he called me and stayed on the phone with me while I drove downtown to pick him up. He’s pretty adorable when he’s drunk so I didn’t mind. I was more worried the ex would see me picking him up since he was at the same bar, but the Russian walked about 3 blocks down from the bar. When he got in my car he noticed I needed gas so as we drove he told to find a gas station and he’d put gas in my car. He jokingly kept touching my face talking about the last time I brought his drunk self home. When I found a gas station I reached for my purse but he grabbed my hand and gave me his card…right before he tried to playfully hit me with his wallet but actually hurt my nose a little. He felt super bad so he kept kissing me and rubbing my nose. After I finally got my car filled up we continued driving to get him food since he was hungry. His drunk ass also kept honking my horn and driving me crazy with that.

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When we got to his house we went inside and he ate while we watched tv and talked. He actually wanted me to stay the night but I just didn’t think it was a good idea, mainly because I’m trying to avoid getting kicked out for any reason before I move. But I stayed with him for a little, he held me while he slept for about an hour. When he walked me to my car, I got frisky and gave him a blowjob in his garage. Mainly because I knew he wasn’t expecting it and I felt like doing it. Well once he finished he finally let me go and I returned home. The….roommate was asleep and didn’t wake up when I got back. He didn’t ask me anything the next day nor did he mention seeing the Russian.

 

That day I spent with my friends out by the pool and we talked some but not as much. It was later in the day so I asked him what he was up to and this was his response:

Him: “I’m at my buddy’s. We cooked and will probably go see a movie…man date lol

(I had typed a response back but forgot to send it)

Him: I’d offer for you to come if it was 4 months from now lol

Him: “Or 2”

Me: “Lol it’s okay, I just saw I had a text written out but didn’t even send it”

Him: “What’d it say?”

Me: “Something about a bromance lol”

We chatted off and on that night, while he was in the movie we didn’t obviously. The next day I was out with some friends and we talked for a while. He asked me what I was doing that night and of course I didn’t have plans. So he asked if I wanted to come over again. Now, that’s three planned times we saw each other and one unplanned in one week. I’ve never seen him that much in one week.

 

I was a little tired when I got over there at first but we ate and talked like normal. At some point he asked me to help him with his back since it was bothering him. So I massaged it for him and then put ice packs on it then laid on top to help. After I did that for a little while we resumed sitting on the couch like normal. The movie wasn’t too interesting to me or him because he started getting frisky with me. One thing led to another and we went to his bed and fooled around for a little bit. Then of course we had sex. He had his normal condoms so we used one that time. Once we finished we both took a shower just to rinse off afterward. I put my clothes back on and we started another movie.

 

He had me pause it so he could go get more vodka for us. He came back and fixed a drink since mine was still okay. When I was ready for a second he told me I needed to learn how to make the drinks too. So I got up and started to make one, that’s when I noticed he had his phone pointed at me. I asked him what he was doing and he told me just taking pictures and I shouldn’t worry about it. I started laughing and told him to quit it. Well he continued until I was done fixing my drink.

 

Some point later I started to get turned on again so I began to suck his dick again. Only this time I realized he was taking pictures of me doing this. I started to get a little annoyed with him because he didn’t ask if he could and I’m not comfortable with that. I told him to put his phone down or else I’d have to bite him. He showed me some of the pictures he took while I’m still sucking on him, and he tells me, “Look how beautiful you are when you do that. And look at how hot you are in front of my fridge.” I just shake my head and continue what I’m doing. I tell him I want him to fuck me and at first he says he wants to come in my mouth and then fuck me. I was good with that so I kept on, then he asked if he could do both. I said of course.

 

So he picked me up and brought me to his bed. Now I was in my jean shorts from the other night so I started off on my knees in front of him. Then he yanked me up, bent me over the bed, pulled my thong and shorts to the side and proceeded to rub his dick against me until I was wetter. He then asked me if he could be inside me without a condom. I told him that was up to him and he proceeded to enter me without one. I must say, it was super hot to be fucked with my shorts still on. At some point I asked if he liked the way I felt and he then grabbed my hair to fuck me harder and he asked me what I thought.

 

He then pulled out of me and pushed me on my knees to suck his dick again. I did for a little bit then he laid me on my back, threw my legs up, shorts are still on and then he was inside me again. I could not get enough of that at all. After that he spun me around on the bed and had my head hanging off the bed and suck him again. Then, he made me stand up and he tried to fuck me standing up with my shorts on but they are too tight for that so he took them off me and kept me standing while he fucked me. Then he laid me back on the bed with my legs on his shoulders. I kept begging for him to fuck me and each time he would put his dick all the way in it would cause me to scream and pull back a little. Well, he eventually held me down so I could feel him all the way inside of me. And my god, did that feel good.

 

When he was ready to come I did ask him not to but I’m pretty greedy and couldn’t get enough orgasms that night. When he came he came on my boobs and stomach.

 

When we got dressed we resumed watching the movie, I thought he seemed a little distant at first but I leaned against him and he seemed fine. When it ended he said we would have to rewatch it one night since he distracted me this time. We joked around for a little bit and then I left close to 4 am. The ex woke up when I got home and questioned me some but not that much. I sent the Russian a text letting him know I made it back as I normally do:

Me: “I made it to the house old man lol”

Him: “Alright sucka”

Me: “Yeah yeah”

I haven’t heard from him since then, and that was a day ago so who knows. I think he’s always going back and forth in his mind with his feelings for me. Even after our serious discussions and the others we’ve had inbetween you would think he would be more open with me. I thought maybe we’d gotten past that but apparently we won’t for a while.

Sorry for the huge post! As you can tell so much has happened in the past few weeks, now that the company’s IT department will let me post again I will be able to keep up more.

Any thoughts or advice about this? Do you think the Russian is being more honest with me now? Or, could he just be continuing with his usual antics?

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Just Fucking Rip Them!

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I’m not sure how to really even begin this post. As usual a lot has happened since my last post and even since last week.

I officially have found a house that I love, I made an official offer on it and it was accepted. Closing is expected to be early this summer so keep your fingers crossed for me! The only problem is I haven’t shared this information with the boyfriend yet. My family and I agree that I should wait till it’s closer to the date otherwise living together for another two months would be quite awkward. Also, he could get angry and just completely kick me out which wouldn’t be good either.

Well the Russian and I are in our usual weird limbo. Last week we saw each other on Thursday night and let me say, that was one to remember.

**Kind reminder, there will be sex discussed in this post so turn back now if you don’t want to read about it!**

We were both off that Friday so after a drawn out conversation that dealt with us playing cat and mouse we decided to see each other on Thursday. At some point in the conversation I will say he mentioned our “extended quietnesses” (his own words). I didn’t get a real answer on it as I had passed out after it was brought up in a playful way. The days before that we spoke a lot with each other. A lot about my new house, a major project he’s been working on and then a few other things too.

That Thursday we talked pretty much the entire day since he was off. So when it got closer to the time we decided to meet he asked if I wanted to pick up some food for us and I did.

When I got to his house we sat down to eat and start the show. We were just talking a lot with each other and joking around. After we ate and watched about half of an episode he asked if I wanted a drink and I said yes so he fixed us drinks. I think this was one of the times when we just talked a lot with each other. We joked around so much and had some random conversations. When it came time for a second drink I was surprised at how early it was so I asked for another. By that second drink I was definitely feeling it and I could tell he was too.

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He gets to be so silly around me once he’s comfortable, we kept making jokes about the show we were watching and he would crack me up about that all night. Or we would say the same thing at the same time and he would be sure to point it out to me when it happened. Sometimes I feel so comfortable around him I can’t help but wonder what will happen when I’m officially on my own. I guess that’s something we will see later.

Back to the story. So we had been sitting on the couch during this time and I was wearing shorts. So he was rubbing on my legs and holding my hand. I had been really picking on him, mainly calling him the usual nicknames I do and he was pretending to pout about it so I kissed on his face like I know he likes. I kissed his cheek and slowly made my way to his lips, I kissed the corner of his mouth and then he turned to face me and he starts to touch my cheeks. I make a face a pull back a little and he tells me to stop that and says, “You need to get over this face thing because I like to touch your face.” So I let him touch my cheeks and then we started to kiss very deep. He’s running his hands through my hair and touching my face and throat like he normally likes to do.

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When we finally came up for air we resumed watching the show but this time he had me pulled right up against him. My memory gets a little hazy here so just hang on.

We started to kiss again and he slipped his hand between my legs and started gripping my thighs. After more kissing he slid his hand up and started to touch me through my shorts. At some point he had his hand down the front of my shorts. He made a comment about my waxing and how long it usually lasts. He then starts to touch me until he slides a finger inside me. I keep my eyes open and on his facial reactions, he closes his eyes, arches his back a little and moans. He becomes aware I was staring at him so he starts moving his finger faster and deeper into me. Causing me to close my eyes and really enjoy myself.

After he does this for a little bit he turns so his back is against the arm rest and I turn to face him. He stands me up and I take my shorts off, he then asks me to stand over him while I’m just in my shirt and panties. These are those that are the “cheeky” ones that the portion that covers your ass is all lace. As I’m standing over him he touches my ass and starts talking to me. He gives me all these compliments on my ass and that he wishes he could photograph this moment. I laugh and tell him to keep wishing cause that won’t happen. (I was horny, not stupid at that moment) As it continues, I finally turn around and straddle him. He moves to try and take my panties off so I jump off the couch and take a few steps away. He sits up and gives me a look then tells me to come back over there. I tell him to come catch me and I walk to the bed. He grabs me real quick and carries me to his bed. As I sit on the bed he grabs a condom and a bottle of lube then he sets them on the bed.

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He lays down and I sit on top of him. After he takes my shirt off I’m only in my panties. This is when things got intense. He’s rubbing on my ass and makes a remark about ripping my panties off me. I tell him I’ve never had someone do that and I wish he would. He tells me it might hurt me and I said, “Just fucking rip them!” And that is exactly what he did, in literally two seconds he ripped my pretty lace panties right off of me.Image

At that point things progressed quickly. He puts some lube on my hand that I then rub on his dick while he reached for the condom. When he had that on he rolled me onto my back and asked if I wanted him, I said, “Yes Sir” and he pushed himself inside of me. He had to go slow at first like he normally does and then things really started going. We had sex with him on top with my legs in the air and wrapped around him, I was on top in about four different positions, then he was behind me as I laid on the bed and then before he came he had me leaning over the bed while he was behind me. This was well over an hour by the time he came.

It still is crazy to me that he can last that long. He got up so we could find our clothes and go back to the couch. I found my shirt and he threw me my shorts after finding my panties ripped. He made a comment about them and wanting to keep them. I laughed and told him no. For some reason we couldn’t find his shorts anywhere so he just put on the cutest pair of boxers. He said they were his favorite cause of how soft they were. I liked them because I could easily see the bulge of his member. That statement made him laugh a lot.

We resumed watching the show together and were talking about random stuff again. At some point he got frisky and started touching me again. He tried to get hard again but considering we just had sex and had been drinking it didn’t happen at that moment, so he asked if I’d take a nap with him. We both were laying on the couch in just our shirts. He held me to where he had me wrapped in his arms and my head was laying on his chest. Any time I moved just a little he would hold onto me tighter and wouldn’t let me move. So I let him sleep for a little bit. I wasn’t tired but it was nice just laying like that with him.

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Eventually he woke up and so did his member. We resumed where we left off before the nap. I was sitting on top of him and straddled him. One thing he does that I really like is when he can take control while he’s underneath me. He will hold my hips still and, well, just really fuck me. At some point he lifts me up and carries me to the large chair in his living room and bends me over it. He really starts to go when he’s behind me. It’s almost too much for me because I was still a little sore. Then he starts to get more into slapping my ass. Which he had done before but I think in that position he was able to really do it. He favors his right hand so he slaps my left ass cheek the most. For the first time I had to tell him to go easier because it was starting to border on actually hurting. He was surprised by that but he switched hands and ass cheeks. I lean myself up so my back is against his chest and he lifts me up while he continues to fuck me.

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I don’t know how but he then turns me around and lays me on the armrest. He asks if I want him to cum and I tell him “Yes Sir” and he keeps going, I had so many orgasms at this point I can’t even guess. Whenever he comes he pulls me against him and holds me. As I walk around to get dressed he’s standing there completely naked and I couldn’t help but just stare at him. Maybe it was the added alcohol or the fact I was like a horny teenager but I know my look was one of those hungry and greedy looks. He made a comment that if I didn’t stop staring like that we’d have a problem. I told him to either put some underwear on or another condom.

Once I’m dressed he just wraps a towel around himself and after a playful game of him trying to take my panties we walk to my car. We talk a little more and then he kisses me goodbye, tries to take my panties again and then I finally leave.

As usual, we didn’t talk the next day but I was busy with family stuff and he knew that. The day after that he sent me a text with his usual “Yo” and I responded but he never sent anything back. So we didn’t talk over the weekend. But Monday afternoon he was parking his truck behind my car while I was leaving to run an errand.

Him: “Did you even notice that was me speed demon?”

Me: “I had a feeling it was you lol and I wasn’t even driving that fast”

Well we didn’t talk yesterday but then today he’s been texting me more. As usual he was critiquing my driving and telling me I need to drive slower, I tell him I will drive slower and I can almost tell it’s the dominate personality in him trying to come out.

Ahhh this man drives me insane with these “extended quietnesses” as he liked to put it. I don’t know if it’s because he wants me to text him or if he’s just being weird because of this entire situation.

Oh well, we will see what happens. So that was my last week and a half, how was yours?

Keeping Score

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Ten days. 240 hours. 14400 minutes.

That’s how long it has been since I last heard from the Russian. And I wouldn’t even consider that a conversation, just an “Ok” and that was it.

I spent the night with this “man” last Saturday. From about 9 pm to 10:30 am I was with him. Not only was I with him but he was sweet on me, touching me and all that stupid touchy feely shit. Gave him how many blowjobs? Oh that’s right, FOUR.

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Do I sound pissed? Because I am.

I’m not hurt or sad, I’m pissed. Pissed I once again let a guy just use me for his own needs. Instead of being honest and telling me what he wanted he lied and made me believe there was something there.

This is why I fear being single. All these ridiculous games one plays for no other reason but to get what they want. What’s sad is I use to be able to play these games and I didn’t even like doing it.

I’m sick of men and their stupid fucking games, because we all know they continue to get away with it and probably always will. Why? I believe if a woman confronted a man about it he would turn it completely around on her and make her feel like shit. WHY? Because they know we tend to be emotional creatures and if we feel we have hurt someone or something stupid like that we will cave.

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The funny part? Not all women are emotional creatures. I may have moments when I feel emotional or get sad. Those are few and far between. The majority of the time I get annoyed and aggravated when people try to play on me emotions.

Like when the Russian told me, “That’s my face” one night we were together. Was him playing my emotions, because I never knew he felt that way about me. Oh wait, he didn’t. I just believed he did which caused me to really think about things with him.

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Fucking asshole.

I put my relationship and future at a serious risk for HIM. And for what?? Nothing. Another notch in his headboard and another number in his count. Not only did I do that but I have such serious thoughts and regrets that I honestly have to separate from my boyfriend. Because I have seen what real passion can be like, what it should be like to feel wanted and desired.

Even if the asshole that did it is obviously just playing me.

And what’s even worse? I miss him. I miss the way he could make me laugh, I miss joking with him and just spending time with him.

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Even though it is apparent that was all a game.

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Disillusioned Young One – 0

Let the games continue.

 

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No Set Expectation

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It’s been a week since my last post and what a week indeed.

I went out of town for about two days last week and was able to be out of the office for those two days.

On the second day I was out I heard from the Russian. Nothing extravagant but he was trying to joke and play with me, and I also heard from him on the next day as well. He wanted to know if I was going to an event in our city and I told him I wasn’t sure. I ended up going to the event but I didn’t mention it to him.

We didn’t speak on that Friday but the next day was his birthday and I sent him the usual “Happy Birthday!!” text. We ended up speaking pretty much the entire day. He had asked me what my plans were for the night and I stated I had dinner plans then was thinking of going to my hometown for the night. We joked with each other as we talked like we usually do.

He didn’t have anything planned for his birthday that night and inevitably he asked if I wanted to go hang out at his friend from work’s house. The friend pretty much knows the situation, since this whole thing pretty much started at his house. So when I get there the Russian is in the kitchen with his friend’s girlfriend’s little girl. We start joking together and making fun of the Russian. She is a sweet little girl and it was fun talking to her.

We all three eventually sit in the living room watching tv and continuing to make fun of the Russian. He tells me to be sweet and I roll my eyes and continue to act like a smart ass. I wasn’t going to be all sweet to him.

When she leaves with her mom it’s just the Russian, his friend and I in the kitchen talking and drinking. Eventually he decides it’s time to leave and he asks if I’m going to follow him back to his place. I kind of shrug and say sure. He walks me to my car, gives me a hug, kisses my cheek and tells me that I look really pretty tonight. I laughed and got into my car.

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As I’m following him he texts me every now and then while we drive. I know, no texting and driving but it happens and I eventually tell him to worry about his driving. We get to his house and I park in my usual spot and get out. He meets me in the garage and puts his arms around me then kisses my cheek and neck. He lingers by my neck for a little bit and then I follow him into his house.

He puts the DVD we left off on the last time and makes us a drink. I joke with him about something and he tells me I’m not being very nice. I remind him I’m only playing with him. He makes a comment that the nicer he is to me the more of a smart ass I become to him. I kind of shrug and smile. We start the show and he pulls me into him so I’m leaning on him more. He continues to play with my legs and arms. Every now and then he would play with my hair and kiss on me. Eventually he leans me forward and asks if it’s okay if he kisses me. I nod my head and we kiss for a little while. Eventually we resume watching the show and talk about what is going on and joking around. We finish that drink and he asks if I want another and I say sure. As we start another episode he again leans me forward but this time it’s to take my bra off, as usual, and then we lay down on the couch.

At some point I turn to face him and we start to kiss pretty heavily, one thing leads to another and I start touching his member. Then he whispers what I like to hear and I’m slowly making my way down to suck his dick. As this proceeds on he’s talking to me and touching me. He always keeps one hand in my hair so it stays out of my face. This continues on for a long time, I’d say at least 30 minutes. When he finishes he pulls me up to lay on top of him and we lay like that for a little while. I joke about something and he starts the show again. As usual, a woman’s breasts are shown on the show and he makes the comment that he really likes mine and that they are very nice. I say thanks and laugh, he asks me why I laughed and I just say, “Well what else am I supposed to say when you compliment my tits?” He grabs my hair and tells me to be nice.

As expected, at some point things get intense again and I start to give him another blow job. I also had been drinking for a while at this point and I look at him more during this one. He makes a comment that if I don’t stop looking at him like I was he was going to fuck me. This continues on for I’d say about 20 minutes, he keeps saying how badly he wants to be inside me and all that. I don’t stop what I’m doing and he finishes. He again pulls me on top of him and I lay on top of him for a while. Eventually I guess we fall asleep like that. Something happens, he might have snored, but I kind of woke up to check my phone. It’s about 3 am and I definitely wasn’t thinking it was that late.

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He asks me if I want to just stay the night there. I believe I said something like, “If it’s okay with you” and he tells me he wouldn’t offer if it wasn’t. So we lay like that for a little bit more.

Then he says if I’m going to stay there we may as well go to bed. At some point, after he has pulled his pants up and I’ve put my shirt back on I make some smart ass comment and he pushes me down on the couch and he gets on top of me. He grinds against me, pretty much teasing me and then he pulls me up and walks me to his bed.

He takes his sleeping pills and lays down in front of me but pulls me towards him so I’m big spoon. Well I kind of wiggle around to get comfortable and sigh a lot. This is just something I do. He tells me, “If you don’t stop with those noises you’re going to get me in trouble.” I laugh and tell him I can’t help it I’m just getting comfy.

I have a hard time sleeping in places I’m not familiar with. You would think I’d be familiar as hell in his house but I’m not. So it took me a little while to fall asleep but eventually I do. At some point I wake up and he’s kind of wrapped around me sleeping. I adjust myself to get more comfortable and go back to asleep. He gets up at some point to go to the bathroom and he comes back. I had apparently taken my shirt off in my sleep as I normally do, just a heads up. My back was to him and he pulls me closer to him and he starts to rub on my back and then my legs. Then he starts to try to put his hands down my pants. At this point I’m definitely awake. I stop him and tell him no, mainly because I’m due for a wax but also I didn’t want to have sex because apparently he just gets weird after sex. I finally tell him that I’m waiting for my wax this week and I don’t want him touching me. He informs me he doesn’t care about that and I tell him that I do. He, being a man of course, starts a conversation about shaving and waxing trying to distract me from his hand. I inform him I do both but I prefer waxing and if I shave it’ll set my schedule off. Eventually he gets the hint and stays out of my underwear but he proceeds to play with me until I have a few orgasms. He starts to get himself worked up and I give him another (yes that’s three!) blow job. This was at, seven am maybe?

We fall asleep again for another hour or two, I wake up and he’s rubbing on my ass and my back. One thing leads to another and….you guessed it, number four happened. He at first asked if I was sure because I had done a lot already, I remind him that I really enjoy doing this. So that one happens and after he finishes we lay together for a while, he runs his hand up and down my back and plays with my hair. I make a comment about his bed and he says yeah it forces you to lie next to me. I then say “Yes, that was unfortunate.” And he rolls over and pins me down to tickle me. After we have been lying around and joking we both sit up to get dressed. He gives me some water and we talk for a little bit. Poor guy had to witness me with not only bed head and crazy sexed up hair, but also my makeup was pretty much gone, I had mascara under my eyes and my eyes and lips were both puffy. I definitely didn’t look cute.

He walks me to my car and tells me he’s glad I came and stayed. I tell him the same and we kiss goodbye, he tells me to be careful. I drive back to the house and get there while the boyfriend is gone. I quickly jumped in the shower just to rinse off. I realize my lips are indeed puffy and swollen, that’s an obvious sign something was up.

Thankfully I was home alone for a few hours so I was able to rest a little and relax. I had just texted the Russian I made it home and he had said “Ok”. We haven’t spoken but I feel after spending the night together it must be a little weird for him. Plus, I haven’t had a “sleep over” in over four years so I’m weird about it too.

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I’m not sure what to think about this though, I don’t know if he expects to hear from me first or if I should give it some time. I’m definitely okay with giving it time; I’d prefer not to talk to him first.

I didn’t get to ask him about why we hadn’t spoken but I also know that at this time, whatever this is, I can’t set any expectations for him. And he can’t set any for me either.

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I finally have found a house I love and we are slowly starting the paperwork process. I did tell the Russian this because he asked if I was still house hunting. I suspect he thinks I’ll just stop looking for houses when he’s out of the picture but at this point in time I think it is necessary I move out. With all that has gone on I need some space to think.

So we will see what happens next….

 

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Am I Really That Easy To Let Go Of?

ImageSo here we are one whole week later and still…nothing.

I’m not sure what to think or do at this point, besides wanting to slap the shit out of the Russian. As I should have known he has pulled his infamous disappearing act on me again. You would think I’d know better, at least I was expecting it this time around. One of these days I’ll learn my lesson when it comes to men like him.

I recently found a house that I absolutely adore and want. So we will see how that progresses. Things with the boyfriend are slowly getting worse; he had gone out Friday night and stayed out the entire night. Not getting back to the house till 9 am the next day. I decided to go to my parents’ house and this had been planned for a few days. I just had to get away from him and the house. It was nice just getting away and thinking. He did clean the house some on Sunday which was nice, but when I got home we immediately got into an argument and he went into one room to watch TV and I stayed in the living room.

Yesterday was St. Patty’s Day and since I’ll be going out of town today and not returning till late on Wednesday I had decided to just stay home and try to spend time with him. He wanted to go out to a bar I hate, even after I told him I wanted to spend time with him. He went out and didn’t get home till a little after midnight.

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I’m happy I’ll be leaving work soon and not coming in tomorrow. I can continue playing my avoid the Russian game and the boyfriend. I almost had a run in with him this morning and he did see me. But I just waited in my car for a few minutes before I walked into the office.

Very mature of me right? Ugh.

Lesson learned; don’t sleep with your coworker. Especially if they are going to continue playing with you, leading you and then acting like you don’t fucking exist.

I also have a feeling this will be the way I act when he tries and approaches me again, which I know we all can agree with, he will:

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Here We Go Again It Seems

hotmessWell it seems like the same thing that happened back in November is about to happen again. And this time I have no idea why and it hurts a lot more.

Last week we saw each other twice. One day it was for lunch, we ate together, talked and then laid down with each other. Of course, we fooled around some, no sex though. And everything was normal with us. He had a planned dinner with his family that night so we talked to each other while he was participating in that. And we were having a genuine conversation that night, discussing his family and mine. And literally every day we spoke to each other and had good conversations. It was completely normal and it was really nice.

Well Thursday we planned to see each other and we did. He asked if I would pick up some alcohol for us since he was out. I did of course and headed to his house.

At this point, my boyfriend was starting to act suspicious of what I was doing. Before he would never ask what was going on when I would be “hanging out” with my girl friends. He did that night. I explained to him what the plan was and he seemed okay with it. Well as I got to the Russians house I was a little nervous about the boyfriend.

The Russian fixed us drinks and we sat on the couch to watch the show. Now, a heads up to something, I had been on my period so I probably was letting things get to me that shouldn’t have. It seemed he wasn’t quite as affectionate as normal, I made a joke about it and we laughed it off. We ended up constantly playing with each other and tickling each other a lot. He kept telling me to watch the show when I’d kiss on him, he said because I would always say he’s distracting me from it. (I joke about it, as does he) So eventually things turn sexual, we start kissing heavily and I make my way down to suck his dick.

As I’m doing so, he is telling me that he wants to fuck me and be inside me. I had a hard time resisting that and I said something along the lines of “Not tonight” and he reaches down to reach inside my pants and I kind of squirm away. He pulls me up and asks why, I just tell him “Because” and he questions me about my need for control and if there is a reason for it. I tell him that’s not it and I want to but just…can’t right now. He looks at me and asks, “Is it that week?” I nod my head and resume my way back down to his dick. He then says, “I don’t care about that. I just want to be inside you.” I tell him I’ve never had sex during my period, which I haven’t it’s not something I care to do with the mess I assume it makes. He tells me he doesn’t care and if it makes a mess we can take a shower. I kind of shrug it off and he then says something that made me stop and confused me, “We don’t have to use one you, that’s the main reason of them. It wouldn’t bother me.” I assumed he was talking condoms and I just said, “I know you don’t care but I’ve never done that before and I don’t want to have a mess on our hands.” He tells me to go check myself and see if it’s okay. I kind of look at him and he asks if that day was the first day, I say no and he tells me it will be fine.

I go to the bathroom and…check myself; it doesn’t appear to be too bad so I go back out. He goes into the bathroom after me and I resume sitting on the couch, topless. He comes back in and says, “So is everything good?” I give a little nod and he tells me to take my pants off. I do so and he pulls a condom out, much to my relief. I like the Russian but I’m not an idiot. I climb on top of him in the reverse cowgirl position and we fuck like that, then with me on top sideways, and then normal girl on top. Eventually we move to a different area and he starts to fuck me from behind. I had been having a hard time relaxing till this point because I’m just paranoid I would leave a huge red stain on his furniture or something. Well he pulls out and I turn around, look down and thankfully there is no mess on him or me. Whew. Well he proceeds to remove the condom, stating, “See, no mess.” He asks me to suck his cock until he came. So I kneel down and proceed to do so, after he came I stand up and he grabs me and squeezes me against him.

I start to put my clothes back on and he throws his shorts back on. He comments that there was no mess and I didn’t need to be worried. Well after I pretty much just leave, it wasn’t as warm a good bye as usual but I could just be over analyzing it. I text him when I get home and he just says, “Good job ___” a nickname he calls me and then that’s it.

The next day he sends me a meme picture, I laugh at it and later send him one. He laughs at it and then I ask how his day was, since he was off.

Him: “Not bad. Worked out and since then I’ve been putting up the trim around the door and grouting the threshold. My back is not happy at all.”

Him: “Yours?”

Me: “I told you to go easy on your back old man lol and mine was okay, just the usual running around.”

And that was it for the entire day Friday, he didn’t ask about the sex like he usually would or try to hold any other conversation. So I write it off and go on with my night.

The next day went like this:

Me: “I looked at four houses today”

Him: “Any winners?”

Me: (Longish explanation of what I say, saying I loved two and was hopeful about them)

Him: “Not a bad day”

Me: “Nope”

Him: (Sends me a picture of the work he did on part of his house)

Me: “That looks really good, the color goes with the floor nicely”

Him: “Thank ya”

Me: “You did that by yourself?”

Him: “Yep”

Me: “Impressive old man, impressive”

Him: “I like the cedar look”

Me: “Yeah I do too, it’s nice”

And that’s it for Saturday. He just seemed so stand offish with me and I didn’t want to continue the conversation with him if he seems that way. The next day…nothing. I didn’t hear from him nor did I text him. Today I sent him another funny meme and he just responded with an “Lol” and nothing else.4680702886_56a6f2f5c9_z

I just don’t know how to take that at all. One minute he’s telling me his feelings and that he can’t wait till I move out and have my won place. And then now he’s acting cold with me. I’m trying not to jump to any conclusions but after being burned by him before I’m super cautious.

So what do I do? Give him a few days and just see what happens or prepare for the worst? In that case, he disappears on me again and I have to just deal with it.

Fuck. I am going to be so angry if this happens all over again and feel like a complete idiot.

Things with the boyfriend are absolutely no better. We got into a HUGE argument last night that involved me stating I had been thinking we shouldn’t live together anymore, that I just wasn’t happy and I didn’t know what would make me happy. I remind him that he pays no attention to me and only does when he wants something or if he notices I’m not all over him. Which I haven’t been since January. I told him I was tired of the fact if I wasn’t initiating everything then nothing would happen. He got upset and angry when I mentioned moving out. He said he wasn’t sure how that would work since we barely see each other and we live together. I told him exactly, we are like best friends that live together. He became really quiet at that point and I just walked away.

We slept in the same bed last night and he told me he wanted to try harder to prove that I’m a priority to him and I just broke down crying. I said, “You’ve said that before and it will last maybe two weeks and then nothing. It goes back to me feeling like I mean nothing to you. I don’t want to get my hopes up again but if you want to try then try. I can’t promise anything to you though.”

He woke up this morning like nothing was even wrong or discussed the night before.

So here I am, upset about the Russian and what he may or may not be doing. Upset with the boyfriend for finally wanting to prove himself but more than likely failing and showing me I don’t mean anything. Is it bad that I want the Russian to prove HIMSELF for once? But I have that intuition that I’ll end up disappointed by both of them.

Please, share your thoughts on all this because I have no idea on what to do next or expect.

 

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I Want To Be Yours

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So much has happened since Valentine’s Day. I may have to break this post into two separate parts! I’m trying to focus on where to begin….

After our Thursday rendezvous before Valentine’s Day things went as I had expected. I didn’t hear from the Russian on that particular day, I wasn’t expecting to because I think that would have been weird for both of us. The next day I spent packing for my trip I was preparing for and we were texting on and off during that day. As the day wore on he eventually asked me how my V-Day was…I told him that as usual I didn’t get anything from the boyfriend. He cooked some dinner but that was it, no flowers, no card and not anything sexual. The Russian then revealed to me he had wanted to ask me to come over but felt stupid because of the situation. I told him I would have tried but it may have been too hard. So Saturday night he was at one of his friends’ houses that I’ve been to and sent me a picture of the food there. I told him I was jealous and that he was being mean by showing me. He told me that he wasn’t sure if I would have time to see him before my trip and that’s why he didn’t ask me to come over.

He also told me he didn’t know what he was going to do Wednesday since he wouldn’t see me and that is our usual night to see each other.

We both told each other that we wanted to see each other before I left but it didn’t get to happen. While I was away for the next four days we spoke every day and usually all day. I would send him pictures of what I was doing and things like that. He would tell me to behave and things like that.

The boyfriend and I, on the other hand, barely even spoke to each other. The night before I left he went out and didn’t get back to the house till about 45 minutes before I had to leave. I was so aggravated that I did not even wake him up before I left. He did the EXACT same thing to me last year and I should have expected it. And when I returned from my trip he decided to work late and go to the gym before seeing me. So I saw him for maybe two hours before we went to sleep.

The next day the Russian and I decided to see each other, it made me feel a little nervous since I had just returned from a trip but I really wanted to see him. That night we watched our show again, and then things intensified quite a bit. We did our usual kissing each other and things like that, but I finally let him touch me again. And after a certain amount of time, the discussion of sex came up.

I told him I really wanted to and I wanted him inside me. He had asked me if I was sure and I said, “Yes, as long as you don’t pull a disappearing act on me again.” He grabbed my face and told me that wouldn’t happen and that I knew why it happened.

I ended up with some various…mark on me this time as well. From him slapping my ass one of my ass cheeks was and is still bruised up. It definitely didn’t hurt at the time. Then I had some finger marks on my legs but those went away fairly quickly. And then, now this is awkward to explain, but I had a small bruise on my cheek from when he playfully bit me. We had been playing with each other and he bit my cheek, I told him it hurt a little and he didn’t believe me so I bit his shoulder. That apparently gave him a mark as well!

So we did, quite a few times that night. And it was just as great as I remembered it to be. I didn’t leave there till much later than I had planned. He was texting me on my way back, asking me questions and things like that. I pretty much snuck into my house and the boyfriend thought I was home two hours earlier than I actually was.

The Russian had texted me that Friday, pretty much all day. When he is busy at work I don’t hear a lot from him but that’s okay. And then that night we were texting, I was jealous he was watching the show without me and he said I can come over whenever I want. I told him I maybe could Saturday but he told me he had plans with one of his buddies. I told him that was fine and probably a good idea we waited to see each other again. Well the next day we were talking again and he asked me what my plans were. I told him nothing special, just cleaning and things like that. He tells me his buddy cancelled on him and the he’d be going over to the friend’s house he was at last weekend. The one whose house I had hung out at a lot with him before he pulled his disappearing act. He then asked me if I wanted to go, and I told him I would try and see if I could get away.

I was able to with some convincing of my boyfriend. I have a feeling he may be starting to get a little suspicious. So I went over to…Ben’s house and stayed over there for a little while. It was fun, we drank and just chatted like we all use to. Eventually though, the Russian got a little too intoxicated and I ended up having to drive him home. The plan was to go back to his house anyway so that wasn’t terrible. The ride home was funny and he joked around with me. However, he did get somewhat sick once we got to his house. At one point I was a little worried about him but he came back into the room and said he felt better. He was telling me how sorry he was for how drunk he got and that I deserved better and that he was being a terrible date. I told him it was okay and I forgive him, we all get drunk and it happens/

Well, we went and laid down in his bed. I was laying behind him and had my legs tangled in his with my arms around him. He was laying there and told me, “This feels perfect.” Eventually I asked him if I took my pants off would he judge me and he said no. I took my pants off just to get comfortable plus it was hot. Well one thing led to another and he hand his hands on me. As he is playing with me I, of course, start getting extremely aroused and reach forward to touch him. And lucky me, he is extremely hard. He rolls over and I proceed to start sucking on his cock. He starts whispering how badly he wants to be inside me and I moan in agreement. He tells me to reach into his drawer and get a condom, which I do.

Once he’s ready I straddled him and inserted his dick inside me. Every time we start it always hurts me a little, he is so big and it blows my mind. Well I stay on top of him for a while and this causes me to have several orgasms. Eventually I turn myself sideways and we fuck like that until I have an orgasm, and then I turn full reverse cowgirl on him. He loved that; he would slap my ass or grab my arms and pull me back onto him. He still was able to maintain control even when he was on the bottom. When I turned back around I propped myself up and he fucked me so hard. I ended up having to stop him at one point because it became too much. After multiple orgasms that way I told him I wanted him on top of me and behind me. So he put on a new condom and got on top of me.

He usually likes to throw my legs up on his shoulders or hold them up high. Where as, I prefer when I can feel him on top of me and either wrap my legs around his waist or put them flat down and hold myself up a little. Up until this point he is telling me how amazing I feel, how beautiful/sexy/gorgeous I am and then he tells me that his dick is mine. Just mine. I kind of make a “Uh huh” noise and he grabs onto my face and tells me again and asks if I want it. I tell him yes.

He then flips me over and proceeds to fuck me from behind. This is one of my favorite positions. And he is amazing at it, he knows when to go faster and harder and then when to go slower. In between him slapping my ass and pulling my hair, I have even more orgasms. Eventually we stop, this had been going on for I’d say at least an hour now, if not longer.

He starts to play with my clit and I tell him to go easy, once I’ve had so many orgasms I get very tender there. As I’m sure other ladies can agree with me. He takes that condom off and I start to touch his dick again, it’s still hard. A little pre-ejaculate comes out and I get it on my thumb so I licked it off. He asked me what that was for and I told him. He groaned and asked me if I would suck his dick. I happily obliged. Up until then he hadn’t came yet and I was starting to feel bad. I told him I wanted him to cum for me and he directed me in what he wanted. So I proceed that way until I said I wanted to fuck him till he came, he asked if I was sure and I said yes. I grabbed another condom and I get on top of him again. I have this move I do when I’m on top and I had been using it on him. He asked me if I would do that again while he fucked me. So as I was doing it, I had another orgasm which led him to cum as well. It was such an intense feeling.

Well we fall asleep naked and in each others arms. I literally passed out cold. I woke up with a start and jumped to check the time. I had a feeling it had to of been daylight. Thankfully it wasn’t as late as I had expected but I needed to leave. I started getting dressed and I told him I needed to go but I wish I could stay. He told me he did too, he held me and then walked me out.

As I was leaving he was texting me asking if his snoring had woken me up and I said no, I just woke up. He told me he hoped I enjoyed myself because he enjoyed me. We texted a little and then I got home. The boyfriend was in the living room laying on the couch. I woke him up and we went to the bedroom to go to sleep. He asked me a few details about the night but that was it. The next day he acted like it was nothing and went on and did his usual things.

The Russian texted me fairly early the day after (yesterday) and talked to me pretty much the entire day which was a surprise. He wanted to know what happened because he couldn’t remember certain things at Ben’s house and I explained some details and we laughed about it. Eventually we got onto the topic of the sex and I told him I had passed out right after he finished and he asked why. I explained why and he wanted to know how many orgasms I had. I told him an estimate and he told me he’d probably die if he had that many…once again I told him that’s why I passed out.

Eventually the conversation got to me being bored and alone; he told me I need to tell him when I was so he could invite me over. I asked him if he was ready for another go around, he tells me he had woken up ready. I revealed to him that I wanted to have sex with him again before I had left that night too.

The sex with him was absolutely amazing; he was so attentive to me and what I wanted. And the way he will look at me is so sexy. I couldn’t believe how long he lasted and how willing he was to keep going with me.

I’m just not use to that at all and I’ve told him this.

Well today we’ve been talking on and off, we are both working. But the topic of me house hunting came up. He’s been looking at houses too, just because of his living situation he may not be staying there permanently. Well we were talking about duplexes, and I know he was joking but the conversation went like this:

Him: “How about I buy one and rent you a room”

Me: “Lol I can be a very demanding tenant”

Him: “Sexually or seriously?”

Me: “Both I would say lol”

He then asks a question using a phrase I guess we are using for sex and I say that would be enough to keep me happy.

Now, I hope he was joking but I couldn’t believe he said that to me. Then he was asking about rent and things like that.

I will say, I’m so relieved that he didn’t pull another disappearing act on me. I really had a feeling that he would and I would be back to where I started. I’m worried about us getting more feelings for each other though, especially since I’m still living with my boyfriend. I really want to tell me boyfriend tonight that I want space and need to find my own place but I don’t know how to even begin that conversation.

I’m in so much deep shit right now I just don’t know what to do. We shall see though, I’m hoping soon that a house that fits my needs will make its way to me soon.

Until next time!

Just to Clear Things Up

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I just wanted to clear something up that was brought to my attention.

The Russian is NOT married, I know this for an absolute fact. He’s eight years older than me and we work for the same company. It is me that is a relationship with a BOYFRIEND I have been in a five year relationship with, so neither one of us is married.

I’m working on my next blog so until then, have a great weekend! 🙂

What’s Going On In That Beautiful Mind?

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I can’t wait to see him tonight. I literally have been looking forward to this all day today. It isn’t our usual day to see each other so I’m a little nervous. I’m not sure what to expect but I know I’ll be happy once I see him.

I have a lot to write about from the past few days but I’ll wait until after tonight’s rendezvous so I can include that as well. I just had to get it off my chest that I’m excited to see him again. How pathetic is that? I can gross myself out with my sappiness sometimes. I’m so tired of the once a week rendezvous’ but I know it has to stay this way until I get other things straightened out.

Until tomorrow…

That’s My Face

Image“When I saw him put his hands on your face I wanted to yell at him not to touch you, because that’s my face. But I couldn’t because that wouldn’t have ended well.”

That one sentence the Russian told me Wednesday night made me catch my breath. It was the first time in a while he voiced his feelings for me. The reason he said that was because he had been in the same place as the boyfriend and I had been Saturday night.

After the Thursday we had spent together last week I didn’t really hear from him until the Sunday after we saw each other. It was kind of awkward starting the conversation. We hadn’t actually seen each other out like that since we started this…whatever this is. But once we got past the awkward parts it got to how it always has been, just talking to each other and asking questions.

Seeing him Wednesday I feel made him reveal more of his feelings towards me. Once I picked up some food, he had been craving steak, I went to his house as usual. Us eating together is such a normal thing, we joke and laugh together. He has no problem giving me shit or taking my sarcasm and jokes. He paid me back for the food, I told him he didn’t have to but he insisted since it wasn’t like burgers or pasta.

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We continued where we left off on the show and cuddled on the couch with our drinks. (That’s how we usually look on the couch)

I really and truthfully don’t know how to think of him. I feel myself falling for him every time I think about that night. During our time together of course we kissed and did some of the usual things we do together. But at one point he pauses the show to ask me some questions. I’m sure I’ve said before that he has some dominant tendencies and one of the things he likes to do is touch and grab my throat.

I know there are some people who are thinking, “What the fuck?!” It isn’t something I’ve ever done before but the way he does it is such a turn on that it’s crazy to me. Well, he wanted to know why I liked it when he did that. I quietly explained that I wasn’t sure why but it just felt good. He says, “There’s no way you haven’t been grabbed like that before. I mean, who wouldn’t want to wrap you up like that and kiss you?” I just shrug and say well it has never been done before. He asked me why, I just tell him everyone has always acted like I was some delicate flower that would just break.the-notebook-face

He then mentions that he saw my boyfriend touch my face Saturday night and then said the above comment. He then added, “I shouldn’t feel that way but I can’t help it.” I honestly was shocked and didn’t know how to respond. I couldn’t tell him the thought of that broke my heart, because I want to be his. All of me.

I just laid my head against his chest and closed my eyes for a minute. He then just wrapped his arms around me and held me closer. He pressed play and the show continued on.

After we were watching it for a while, he did his usual thing where he touches my face and then squeezes my cheeks. I kind of fidget and tell him to stop because I don’t like that. He tells me I have no reason to do that, I need to stop worrying about what people think, especially him. He kind of whispers that into my ear. So I try and relax so he can touch on my face, then he starts to massage on my jaw and then my neck. I instinctively start to make little noises, not trying to sound sexy but just because it felt good.

He tells me, “If you don’t stop making those noises we’re going to have a problem.” I laugh and say, “I’m sorry but I can’t help it. It just feels nice.”

He pauses the show again, “Do you have any idea how pretty you are?” He always asks me this question, mainly because I don’t think I’m that pretty. He starts brushing my hair back and tells me to keep my eyes closed and not to move unless he moves me. He then proceeds to touch my face, running his fingers down my face to my jaw line. He then touches my neck and tilts my head to the right. He proceeds to do the same thing on the other side of my face. It’s so intense and personal for me, I’ve never just let a man stare and touch me like that.

When he’s done he says quietly, “You’re face is so symmetrical, you’re so beautiful.” I whisper thanks to him and open my eyes. “Come on, you have to know you are so far above average looking. Why else would you take those model pictures?” He’s always asked about my portfolio pictures. I just say that lots of girls take those kinds of pictures it isn’t a rare thing. He says, “But they don’t look like you.”

I tell him thank you again and just look at him. I go to lay back down on him and my phone goes off. I pick it up and see it’s from the boyfriend asking what I was doing. I said watching TV with the girls. The Russian takes my phone and looks at it. I set it back down and he says I kind of feel bad. I nod my head and get quiet. He looks at me and says “The only reason I don’t want either of us to get in trouble is so he doesn’t find out what is going on and gets hurt. Because I’ve been there before and I don’t want to make someone hurt like I did.” I kind of blatantly say if you want me to leave I will. He grabs me and says, “Don’t say that shit. I just don’t want him finding out and everything getting out of hand.” I nod my head and say I agree. He pulls me close to him and tells me I need to get my own place. I tell him I’m trying and he smiles.

The Russian has told me his last serious girlfriend cheated on him once, but it wasn’t like what we are doing he says. The rest of the night continues on. We play with each other and kiss more. When it gets later I tell him I probably should leave once the episode we are watching ends. I say I don’t want to but I should.

He asks me if we should just pause the show for a little bit. I look at him and say if you want to we can. He pauses it and sits me on top of him. We start to kiss and it’s so passionate. We kiss in the way he showed me earlier and I can tell that’s what he really likes. He grabs a handful of my hair and pulls me back from him. I look at him and he pulls my ear to his mouth. He whispers those words he knows I love hearing. I slowly make my way down and start giving him a blow job.

Not to blow my own horn but I know I rock his world every time I do this for him. He gets so into it that it makes it more fun for me. He will play with my hair and talk to me during. When we finally reached the climax and I sat up to look at him he had his eyes closed and was smiling. When he looked at me he groaned and said, “You’re going to drive me crazy with that.” I laugh and lay down next to him. When I finally stand up to get dressed he does the same. I’m not sure what or how it happened but next thing I know he picks me up and I wrap my legs around him. We kiss like that for a while and he slowly put his hand down my pants. I whisper how badly I want him and he quietly says, “You aren’t ready yet.” He sets me down and I walk to my car.

This is probably one of my favorite parts. He kept pulling me back against him and kisses my lips, neck, face and just laughs with me. I tell him he needs to quit teasing me. He then pins me against my car and kisses me hard. “Don’t call me a tease.” He tells me as he quickly puts his hand down my pants and quickly slides a finger inside me. I was in such a shock he did that I didn’t even stop him. He eventually brings his hand out and wraps his arms around me.

I’m getting ready to go out of town on a little vacation for four days and tells me I better behave myself. I say yes sir and laugh. He opens my car door and puts me in my car. He continues to kiss me so deeply. Then he wants to make sure I’m okay to drive home, I tell him I’m fine. Then, “Do you have your phone?” I nod, and smile. “Show me you have it.” I pull it out of my pocket, “See sir, I have my phone!” He does this adorable little drunk dance and tells me to text him that I made it home okay. I tell him I will. He does this dance again and says, “I’ll beat that ass if you don’t let me know you’re home safe!!” I laugh out loud and say I will and not to worry. He then leans into my car again and gives me such a deep kiss. He holds me like that for a little while and then says, “Alright little girl hit the road.”

I get home safely (obviously) I texted him and told him I was home. I thanked him for inviting me over (a little inside joke between us) the next morning he said he was glad I came and that he was more drunk than he thought. I laughed and asked if he remembered the dance he did. He didn’t and was surprised at himself.

We talked some that next day, just back and forth kind of stuff. That night I thought he seemed a little grumpy and he told me he was tired. Then he joked with me about something and that was it.

Considering today is Valentine’s Day I didn’t really expect to hear from him. It is a “love” holiday. Is it bad that I wish it would be him sending me flowers or taking me to eat somewhere? Considering the boyfriend hasn’t and probably isn’t doing anything for me it makes me sad.

I’m going to use the time I’ll be away to really figure out what it is I really want. I won’t be around either of them for a few days. But I already know what I want don’t I? I want my Russian and I want to be his.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone, I hope it started and will end better than mine.