One Year

damaged

One year. One year since the giant debacle with the Russian came to a screeching halt. One year of so many ups, downs, confusions, feelings and many other descriptive words.

It’s been since September that I’ve done an actual post and I’m so sorry. Life gets to be so hectic sometimes but so much has actually happened. Some good and some bad, which is pretty much the usual way things go for this relationship with the Russian.

So I will say that the Russian officially left the company that we both work for. He was having countless issues and a better job opportunity came up so he took it. I’m very happy for him and know he’s going to do great with the company. I had voiced a concern about it to him that starting this new job would be an easy way for him to get me out of his life. He actually said it before I could finish my sentence and he didn’t want me to feel that way. We’ve had the exclusive talk which we both agreed to be exclusive. Tried to have the “title/what are we” talk, didn’t go very well or as planned. But I can understand where he comes from, he’s been damaged so much emotionally and it doesn’t help he sometimes has to think about how this relationship began. Plus, it has only been since May that I ended my almost six year relationship. And I’ve only been living on my own for about five months.

But if I can, I’d like to just fully express how I’m feeling about this entire situation. It will probably help to get this out now so I can come back to it later. When I’m not about to be done with my period and full of extra emotions and I’m rambling already, sorry!

I’m starting to get that feeling in the pit of my stomach that maybe this won’t turn out like I had hoped. That maybe he will decide he doesn’t want this or just pull another disappearing act. I’ve had a few people tell me it’s obvious that cares for me and even has the big “L” word when it comes to me. But he has so many emotional and trust issues that I also have to go against at the same time. There are moments when he is affectionate like I need and I can honestly see the relationship beginning to actually take form. Other times, it’s so hard for me to read him that I don’t know where anything is even going.

He has called himself by “boyfriend” before but then when I asked about a title in the relationship he basically explained to me again his emotional issues and why he doesn’t want to rush anything with this. Only because we’ve been out and “dating” for just a few months.

We still do have amazing sex, at one point we were spending Friday to Sunday together. Going on dates, drinking and having sex multiple times a day like teenagers and it was amazing. It was probably the happiest months I’ve had in years. But of course, as my luck has it, he starts to either overthink things or get scared of the commitment that would follow. I think in his mind it isn’t a good way to start a relationship with so much sex. He’s even said that to me when we discussed something he had said previously. Now I let him initiate things and I don’t do it at all anymore. No more, “May I suck your dick sir?” because I’m not sure if I should or if he wouldn’t like that. Remember how open, affectionate and talkative he was over the summer? He’s changed from that.

He rarely kisses anymore which completely upsets me. I absolutely love to kiss, it’s how I show affection and how I like to receive it. So when we don’t kiss it makes me feel bad about myself. Mainly because it reminds me of how past relationships would go, the guy is always the one who stops with the affection and I’m left doubting myself. I’ve brought this up and he claims he is still “learning” on how to be affectionate that way. In his mind maybe affection is just reserved for sex and can’t be just a normal thing. Who knows? He is starting to try and figure out what some of his issues come from and he thinks they are more spiritual.

I can understand how he feels but I guess I just take the brunt of him going through all this. Because we go from spending almost every day together, with many sleepovers, to only seeing each other two to three times a week. Now, I know he started a new job and we do talk daily. I think I just miss how his schedule use to be, he has to get to work so early and it’s hard to have late nights with me.

craving

Am I being ridiculous? I really believe he wants to be with me but I think it’s so hard reading those emotions of his and just wondering what he wants. I’m also torn because I view him as my boyfriend, and I’m sure he views me as his girlfriend, so I tell him little things I’m doing if he asks and he tells me what he’s doing. I still never text him first, it’s something I don’t think I’ll ever really change.

Shit. I hate going through this right now. It doesn’t help we still haven’t done the introduction to our parents. I’ve met his father at different events but he’s never intentionally taken me to meet his family. I haven’t either but I told him I wanted to bring him after he introduced me to his. Again, he told me he had rushed that phase before and would be completely invested in the relationship then the girl would just leave him. I instantly wanted to roll my eyes because, hello, how long has this thing been going on? Obviously I’m not going to just leave him. Maybe strangle him, but not just leave.

Some weeks are better than others and maybe that’s just the cause of this relationship and how it all started. I’m not sure. I do know I want things to work with him and I want to help him the best I can. I thought dating men in their 30s would be less complicated; apparently this 20something wasn’t quite right.

Any thoughts on the situation? I know I haven’t posted in so long and I’m leaving out a lot of details. I’ll be able to talk about those a little later. I’m proud to say my company has finally released the block for WordPress. This does make my life even better! I’m so happy to be back, dear readers and I hope I don’t disappoint!

house

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