It Doesn’t Even Matter How Hard You Try

It has been such a long time and I’m so sorry for it! I can’t post at work and since I only have an iPad at home for now posting can be really time consuming or nearly impossible. If only IT would just allow WordPress life would be great! Well, what can I say about the past few months? Crazy, amazing, time consuming, full of emotions, happiness and really just a little bit of everything.

Up until I officially moved out the Russian and I carried on seeing each other about two to three times a week. Doing the usual things we had been doing. You know, eating, drinking, entertaining each other and having magnificent sex. Well once I officially moved out things started to shift and change, in a positive way. Unless one of us was going out of town we see each other almost every day. We also have more recently started going on “official” dates. Dinner and a movie, then maybe pick up something from Redbox and go back to one of our houses to spend the night with each other.

More recently we had what I call a “weekend date” with each other. Saturday morning he asked me what I was doing for the day and when I said nothing he asked me this:

Him: “Gonna shower, go work out, pick up some paint and finish everything up. You’re invited to join if you would like :)”
Me: “That might be fun lol what time?”
Him: “Later, I’d like to shop a little bit, eat and go see a movie. Meet here in an hour?”
Me: “I think I can handle that”
Him: “Ok cool, want to bring your stuff for tonight and get ready here or go back home?”

I had told him I’d get ready there but I would need to let my dog out before dinner for the night and he brought me to take her out like I asked. We worked out together for the first time which was interesting because this was one of the first things we’ve done in broad daylight together. Afterwards we bought some paint stuff for his place and I helped him with a few of those things. I had to meet my mom and drop some things to here during my time there but I came back to his house after.

He was taking a break and lying on the couch when I got back.
He laid me on top of him to watch TV with him, but of course he had some ulterior motives.

He slid his hands down my shorts to play with my clit until I orgasmed. Then, he proceeded to undress me and undress himself. We were on the couch so of course I got on top (more on that later) and we proceeded to have some amazing sex. I recently discovered how much he loves when he slides out of me and I slowly put his dick back inside me without either of us using our hands. It feels great to me but I love watching his facial expressions when it happens. His mouth opens slightly and his eyes roll back while he lets out the sexiest moans. While we don’t use condoms as often we still will every now and then but at that moment we just didn’t.

After we recovered from the sex we continued finishing up the project we had been working on until we decided what to do for the night. This was the first time I had ever really showered and got ready at his house (or any other guy’s house for that matter!) so I was a little uncomfortable at first. I had my little overnight bag and was pretty conscious of leaving things on his counter top in the bathroom.

After I showered and started drying my hair, he jumped in the shower while I was getting ready and we just joked around with each other the whole time. I had brought a pretty dress and heels to wear (since our first movie date I wore jeans and a t shirt) so when I finished I felt pretty confident in how I looked.

But boy, when I saw him all dressed up I had to control myself from jumping him right then and there. He is so handsome it kills me sometimes. He complimented me and then we went to dinner and a movie. The movie wasn’t that impressive at all, sadly. Neither one of us was crazy about it and we both laughed it off. When we got back to his place we decided to fix drinks and watch another movie. It was much better even though we got heavily intoxicated.

I haven’t had the opportunity to mention this is a blog yet but there is something he does sometimes when I spend the night that bothers me some. I’ll stay over there a few nights a week since I can now and he doesn’t want me drinking and driving. Well, some nights he will sleep the entire night with me but there have been other times when he will sleep on the futon couch that is next to the bed.

I’d have to explain the layout of that room but he can see me in the bed and I can see him. Well, he does this because he claims he gets hot and doesn’t want to keep me up all night. Well, I’ve expressed this before to him and it still doesn’t always sink in but we will get to that later. That night he did sleep with me the entire night which was really nice and unexpected as well.

We had sex that morning, which was good sex but I think if he doesn’t initiate it in the mornings he isn’t fully awake or into by the time I’m ready when I initiate it. I had planned on leaving at about 11 that morning after we had gotten up but he asked me if I would stay and help him with some other errands he wanted to do. Which I did and it actually was a lot of fun. We ate lunch together afterwards while watching one of the many football games that were on that afternoon.

We started working on some of the projects he wanted to get done and got it all finished at a decent time. At some point, we had sex again and I will say this one was actually a little painful. Still completely enjoyable but I had to make him take it easier with me. The rest of our time together we spend just being lazy together and playing with his dog around the house. I ended up staying there until later that night but he didn’t seem to mind it at all.

Well, last night we spent time together at his friend’s house which was nice. We ate and drank for a little while until we both were ready to leave. We had discussed it earlier so I went with him back to his house to just hang out together. He upset me a little last night and I’m still trying to get over that.

At some point I mentioned to him I wanted to ask him something but was a little embarrassed to do so. I have an event coming up and asked if he wasn’t busy this weekend I’d like him to go with me. I knew from the moment it came out he wasn’t going to say yes. After I initially asked he asked a few questions about it and then said he had a wedding out of town and if his guy friend wasn’t going to go he wanted me to go with him. I kind of said okay to that and didn’t bring it up. We both kind of fell asleep (we had been drinking for a while at this point) and I was laying on top of him.

When we both woke up everything was good and we were playful like normal. We even had sex and it was amazing, I prefer when he is really into it and more vocal with me which he was that time. Afterwards, I laid beside him while we caught our breath and he complimented me for the first time on the sex itself and I jokingly said that. He played back with me and then got up to shower.

I got dressed and resumed lying on the couch waiting for him to come back. Well, he brings up me asking him to this event and I told him I figured it was a “No” considering he didn’t answer or seem enthused I had asked. He told me he was happy I asked and wants to go but with our current work situation and the fact we are coworkers (for the time being, as he may be leaving the company rather soon) makes him hesitant.

But that isn’t what bothered me. I can accept that even though this company doesn’t care if coworkers date or are married, especially if you are in different departments as we are. What bothered me is he brought up the other girl he had been seeing previously. He mentioned that since their history and the fact his office is next to hers he didn’t want to cause any problems. That I have an issue with, because to me he is being too considerate to another person’s feelings than my own. And he told me he wants to bring me to an event their career field hosts every year but if he is still with the company at the time and she is there it might be weird.

My thought process is who fucking cares? Eventually this other girl will see him and I together either in public or on Facebook and if there is nothing there it shouldn’t be that big of a deal. In my mind, it comes off as he doesn’t want her to know he’s seeing me because he is still seeing her. Even though he has told me he isn’t I’m still concerned about that. Ask me if I said this to him? Nope. I was on a completely different level of mad at that point so I was aware it would be better for me to just hold off.

It didn’t help that he said, “I will come get you after it is over and bring you home when you’re drunk.” I looked at him and said no thanks, I’ll be fine. He then proceeded to tell me not to be that way and that he wants to pick me up. He then starts to become all lovey dovey on me telling me he doesn’t want me to be upset with him, that he really wants to go and is happy I asked him. He also says he doesn’t like the idea other men may try to dance with me.

I completely shut myself off from him at that point. I just couldn’t allow myself to get comfortable around him anymore that night. He made me lay down beside him so he could, I guess comfort me? I’ll try and bring it up the next time I see him just so I can get it off my chest. Considering I know I’m going to be distant with him for the time being. Once it was time to leave I just didn’t have it in me to be playful or sweet at that point but he proceeded to me. Kissing me a few times and hugging me while telling me to be careful and to text him when I got home.

As soon as I left and got on the road home I just started to cry a little. It’s like every time I think things are going good and we make progress something comes up. I just couldn’t hold it in at that point and had to let it out. He then sends me a text that is a screenshot of a movie he wants to see with me and I tell him that one looks good. When I got home I considered not telling him but didn’t want him to worry so I just said I was home. He then responded telling me to have sweet dreams and a cute nickname. Then today he’s been texting me.

I can see some of his reasoning but my god, I got out of an almost five and a half year relationship and my ex has already moved on to the point he doesn’t hide it from anyone, including me. I guess I don’t see the need to be considerate to someone he didn’t even officially date and even claims he saw no future with at all. Ugh. Thoughts?

I know this is a lot to take in and written in two parts pretty much, but when I ended it yesterday afternoon everything was going well and I was a little excited to ask him about this weekend.

I guess it’s just another reminder that he isn’t really mine yet, and it must mean I’m not his either.

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One response to “It Doesn’t Even Matter How Hard You Try

  1. It was good to read your update! Can’t really respond too much right now, but wanted to let you know that there are keyboards you can buy that connect to your iPad. You can buy them pretty much at any place they sell electronics or buy one online. That would make posting from your iPad easy.

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