But apparently those marks will be all I have until they too disappear.
Today would be one of our usual days to see each other. I hadn’t expected to hear from him about it but he did surprise me. The Russian texted me about it yesterday morning:
Him: “Hey I’m not gonna make it this week”
(He means seeing me like we usual do)
Me: “Okay lol that’s fine”
Him: “My buddy is coming in Thursday or Friday and I have stuff I need to get done before”
Me: “Alrighty lol that’s fine old man”
I try to keep things normal and not sound harsh or upset. Because he said the last time he cancelled plans and I just said “Lol okay” he took it that I was mad.
How can a person who not even a week ago was talking to me every day and wanting me to move out to spend more time with me just do this? Was it just the sex? Is he afraid of his feelings? Or, worst case scenario, he’s seeing other people and someone else has his attention for now.
Foolishly I hope he’s just afraid of his feelings but I should be smarter about it.
So, I carry on with life. Keep looking for my own place and act like I’m not mad at my…the Russian. I don’t think mad is the right word, disappointed is better.
I have to remind myself some days, even when the Russian was present still, that I am an attractive, young woman who has a lot to offer and doesn’t need to settle. I don’t have to settle for a complacent boyfriend who is only attentive when I beg for it. I don’t have to settle for mediocrity. I don’t have to settle for bullshit answers and excuses.
I need to get out of this funk. Put a smile on my face and focus on myself and my future.
All the while thinking of the marks and secretly not wanting them to go away.