In Case You Ever Foolishly Forget, I’m Never Not Thinking of You

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Well the Russian and I had yet another rendezvous last night. It wasn’t a well planned one as we decided to hang out a few hours in advance. When I got there I guess I was a little awkward…but then I should back up and explain why.

During the earlier part in the week we were talking about whatever, I think about an injury he is dealing with, and I was showing sympathy towards him about it. He then made a comment implying he’s got a girl a day that can baby him if he needs it. I thinking he was joking so I said “Oh congratulations” and he said “You were the last one to come” and to this I glared at him (emoji) which led to this conversation:

Him: “What?”

Me: “Oh don’t what me”

Him: “One…I’m being truthful. Two…you live with a guy…Three so don’t squint at me!”

I think I said “What the fuck?!” out loud at that point. I mean, I’m not an idiot; he is a single guy and can do whatever the hell he wants but just to so blatantly say that shocked me. I just played it off as whatever and didn’t really respond to him. So he goes on to try and joke with me that I’m late for my appointment to “tata” him since he’s hurt. We joke about this and move on.

As the night wears on he starts to actually ask me questions about myself that are kind of in depth. The first one being if I felt bad about seeing him. Now, I should explain that at first I felt like shit. Literal shit. I had problems sleeping, eating and just relaxing. I’m still a gigantic ball of anxiety because of what is happening. Add in the fact I have never cheated before and don’t even know how to keep a secret like this to myself. Well I explained to the Russian that it weighs a lot on my conscience and that I don’t feel bad anymore which is weird for me since I didn’t think it would ever go away.

He then asked me if I was being completely honest about never cheating before, to which I told him yes. I tell him that I’m not good at hiding stuff, which is very true. I’m the one who (before this) had no problem letting anyone go through my phone, social media sites or anything. I don’t hide stuff. He then brought up the fact I seem calm when he has called while we were together. I told him that after years of practice with my mom I can control my tone of voice over the phone, but in face to face situations I just can’t lie. I physically make it obvious. But, back to the phone, I told him if I didn’t watch my tone my voice would get shaky and weird.

I was curious about these questions because I’ve often wondered how a relationship with him would progress (if it even did) considering the circumstances. I would be afraid he’d have trust issues with me, which would be expected I mean, look at this situation. I feel I’d have to reassure him for a long time I wasn’t “messing around” with anyone. My nature is to only have eyes for the person I’m with, I literally don’t see other men when I’m with someone else. But somehow, I saw him.

Well the discussion continues with him asking me questions about my past and things like that. Somehow the conversation got to yelling in arguments and I told him I don’t do yelling. If you yell at me I literally just shut down and leave. I explained this to him and he agreed with me that he doesn’t like yelling or tolerate it. That’s all cool and fine. So now I can fast forward to last night.

I guess I was giving off a weird body language to him. I did have a wall up when I first got there, after how the conversation went Monday I just felt the need to be that way. Not in a mean way, just not be super sweet. He apparently caught on to this quickly. He asked if I was mad at him or something, I laughed and said “No, if I was mad you would know” and he said he thought I didn’t yell, to which I replied there are more ways to show you’re mad than yelling.

Well we put the movie in and cuddle on his couch. The movie was okay, I wasn’t super impressed with it. Well we were drinking and talking during it which was really nice. Then he starts playing with my hands and hair. We get slightly frisky and have a fairly steamy kissing session. At that point he gets up to fix us more drinks and we adjust our seating arrangements. This time, I am like I was the last time, my back laying against his chest and he’s kind of seated up. Well he then sits me up to remove my bra, because, “It’s getting in the way.” So I lay back and he continues to play with my hair and hands. I instinctively reach up with my left arm and wrap my arm around his head. I play with his hair, massage his neck and touch on his face. I didn’t realize what I was doing till I could feel him hugging me tighter at certain times and then I slowed down with that. But he would kiss my head and just rub me. Well the movie started getting a little slow and we got friskier.

I seductively started sucking on his finger and slowly I started doing it more. This lead to him groping my breasts more, which caused him to realize how sensitive they are and he kept on with that. He did a few times try to sneak his hand down my pants. And he knows I usually resist that, only because that to me is personal and since I had finally let him not only touch me there before but also fuck me, I’m much more cautious now.

So he, for lack of a better word, rubbed my clit through my pants. Which ended with me coming and having an extremely hard time keeping my resistance up. Well we calm down a little after that to watch the movie some more. It was getting closer to the end and we were mainly cracking jokes about it and not paying much attention. Well we started kissing again, I know I’ve said it before but the Russian is an amazing kisser.

Well things progressed further to the point I’m on top on him and unbuttoning his pants. He knows how much I like to be asked to suck his dick and he proceeds to ask. And that begins. I’ve always enjoyed performing this activity with my previous boyfriends and I find myself enjoying it even more with him. He plays with my hair and tells me how he’s feeling and is very responsive to what I’m doing. Well this continues on till he finishes, after which he pulls me up to him and kisses me. Then he lays me beside him while he rubs my back. Well he end up just laying there talking to each other, me topless and him with no bottoms. I then go back and forth between playing with his member and touching his face with my other hand. We get friskier and I teased him with another blow job but stopped. We talk dirty to each other and he tells me how much of a turn on I am. Well once we finally come to terms that I need to leave I stand to get dressed and he bends me over the couch to play with my ass and pretty much tease himself and me. Once we finally get dressed and I’m walking to leave he’s hugging me harder and kissing me more, saying he wished I didn’t have to go. And I agreed with him. I then drive home much later than I should have been. I get to my house and let the boyfriend know I’m home. I text the Russian and tell him I’m home. I passed out but this morning I saw he sent, “Thanks for letting me know, sweet dreams :)”

So that was my night, and all I can think of is I can’t wait to see him again. I had tried Sunday to talk with the boyfriend about how I had been feeling and what I wanted. It did not go as expected. I’m pretty terrible at expressing my real feelings and what I want. The discussion gets to the living situation and he states that if we lived separately than he wouldn’t want us to continue seeing each other. And I can understand that but at the same time, I’m afraid to let the relationship go because of my fear of being alone. So now I’m just torn on what to do. The Russian I know isn’t going to wait forever, even if he is actually wanting to be with me. But what happens if I leave my boyfriend and just feel immediate regret? I’m on the verge of calling a medium or psychic who will charge me for advice.

Oh well. Until next time dear readers!

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