I’m sorry I have neglected writing the past few days! Adult life can get so busy sometimes. Add in the fact I can’t really write when I’m home since this is a “secret” blog. Where I left off last time was waiting on the Russian to return my movies. That was a week ago. And as of today I still have not gotten them back from him. He still randomly will text me. He sent me a message about cupcakes last week, asking if I had brought some because they looked like some I’ve brought in the past.
The most recent conversation was Sunday. He has been building his house and doing the finishing touches on his bathroom, which he included my opinions in designing it. Douche. So he sent me a picture of the bathroom finished:
Me – “It looks really good finished.”
Him – “Thank you 🙂 I’m so glad to be done”
Him “That was a bitch of a project to do alone”
Me – “I would think so, seems like a pain in the ass.”
Him – “Very messy”
Me – “At least it is done now.”
Him – “Yep and saved about 1500-2000 doing it myself”
Me – “That’s good you saved that much”
Insert Gollum meme I sent him
Him – “LMAO”
Him – “I used a golem quote earlier”
Me – “That’s just nerdy.”
Him – “My buddy said ‘They is crazy’ and I said ‘yes precious, they is’ lol”
Me – “Lol nice”
And that was it for that conversation. Nothing about my movies, what he did or anything I’m not quite sure why he keeps this up. I recently told my best friend about this and said “You know, he hit it and quit it….so he needs to just quit it.” I still feel like this is true. He took time out of his life and mine pretending to care about getting to know me. I mean he literally told me all kinds of things about himself, his family, life, dreams and all this shit for nothing. That’s what bothers me the most because I really began to like him. And he would make a great friend to have but apparently I was wrong.
I try to keep the conversations kind of distant; I’m not going to through in my usual happy exclamation marks or emojis after all this. Even though I want to and I was so excited about his bathroom, I have to remind myself to keep my distance.
Well things with the boyfriend are on a seesaw it seems. One day things are good and then others I’m reminded of why I have the feelings I just want to leave. He can be so attentive at one moment and then another it is just like I’m in the background. We had sex twice last week, the first time since my affair with the Russian. I won’t lie, it was great sex and we always have great sex together. He knows how I like things and I know how he likes things. But, as expected, the Russian popped into my head and made me get emotional for a split second. It’s hard to have one guy who just used you for what he wanted and then another tell you how sexy and amazing you are. Because in my head I’m thinking are you sure? The Russian has caused me to have doubts in myself.
I feel so torn by what I’ve done and it is starting to eat away at me. My mom thinks I should wait till after the holidays to really tell him how I’ve been feeling and suggest moving out. She knows me well because she knows the main reason I didn’t really end things before is because I’m terrified of being alone. And the incident with the Russian doesn’t help me feel better about that. It’s not going to be a very happy holiday season for me with all this on my mind but I’m hoping it gets better.
I’m sure if I had my movies I’d be a little happier.