So apparently either the Russian is an idiot or just trying to make himself feel better about the situation. So after not speaking to me for about two weeks I had the inevitable run in at the office. He was in his vehicle and I had just parked mine at the office. He was blocking the drive way so I had to walk past his truck with him in it. I summed up all my strength and just walked (well strutted) past his truck. I didn’t even look his way.
Unexpectedly I received a text from him:
“Not even a wave?”
“Did you honestly expect a wave, really?”
“Yea I did.”
“Well I don’t see how you could possibly have expected one but okay.”
And that was it. I never imagined a grown man could be so stupid or just pretend to be. Well after I regained my calmness and fought off the urge to go upstairs and slap him I was fine.
The boyfriend and I had been continuing our usual pretending things were fine. Over the weekend he pulled his old shit, consisting of him going out without me and not coming home till 4 or 5 in the morning. Not that I care he goes out but he doesn’t talk to me at all. He did this Wednesday night; he was out till 4 am claiming he lost his keys. I haven’t talked about this relationship yet but he always has forgotten about me in many ways. I’m always a second thought when it comes to my needs.
Well Thursday morning the Russian sends me a funny meme. I read it and don’t respond. He texts,
“Don’t pretend you didn’t laugh!”
My response was, “It is funny.”
And then he sends, “That’s what I thought!”
I breakdown and send him a funny meme in return which he responds with “Lmao!”
And that was that until I actually ran into him in the office. Thankfully we had our Ugly Christmas sweater party and I looked pretty cute I must say. I was mid walk when he came around the corner and I instantly had an eyebrow go up. This is an uncontrollable thing for me when I run into someone I don’t like. He was holding a plate full of food and he says Hi to me and I just nod. He then stops and smiles at me and says, “Don’t judge me!” I just said “Uh huh” and continued walking. I’m pretty proud that I never stopped walking during this exchange.
I feel like one of those idiot girls who gets hung up on a douche bag. Which use to be my MO when I was a young 18 year old and naïve but I learned my lesson. It probably would be easier if we didn’t work together. If I didn’t love my job and finally be in a field my degree is in I probably would consider just leaving. I won’t of course, I love my job.
I still feel emotions when it comes to the Russian and I wish I didn’t. I know what he did was fucked up and that if given the opportunity to sleep with me again he would probably try it. Of course, if I go another month without sex it could possibly happen. Shit.
That afternoon I had yet another talk with the boyfriend and it was the same stuff all over again. I feel like he’s starting to cling to me because he can sense I am distancing myself from him. Which sucks because my normal self is so affectionate and loving. I can’t bring myself to just leave him yet. I’m trying to wait till after the holidays have ended. I’ve slowly started the process of looking for my own place to live, but I want to find something I can commit to before I tell him I’m leaving. Because I know how awkward it is to live with someone while broken up since we did that earlier in the year.
It is so hard for me to believe that my feelings for this guy have changed so much over the past year. I literally was madly in love with him but I don’t if I finally realized what was going on in the relationship or that I woke up and saw that just because we are perfect on paper doesn’t mean that’s enough.
I know that no relationship is perfect and that we all have our moments but I still feel like there should be some sort of passion still there for the person. I’m extremely passionate and I love sex so the fact that we have pretty much stopped doing anything sexual or passionate really weighs heavily on me.
Plus I also now realize that if I cheated now it could happen again if I allowed it as I had allowed it with the Russian. Who I fucking either want to punch or kiss at this point and it is mainly because I haven’t been kissed in a few days and I miss it.