Love Triangle

Love Triangle

Something I always believed in was if you can find that one person who completed you, your life would be wonderful and no matter what you can make through anything.

Apparently, I believed incorrectly.

I have been in a committed relationship for the past five years. It’s fairly serious, I mean, we have furniture and animals together. It’s as close to a marriage as you can get without the paperwork. Unfortunately, we are both in our young to mid 20s and act like we are really in our 70s. By that, I mean barely any sex life, arguments over which brand of milk to get and an uncool acceptance of each others bodily functions and fluids. I have loved this man unconditionally for so long, however, I had also allowed myself to stop putting myself first. And so did he.

Slowly but surely we drifted apart at one point during this year. Things got of track and we lost sight of ourselves and each other. Insert a typical break (break up) scenario, all while still living together. Eventually, as expected, we got back together and things were okay. Just for a little while.

Insert the third side of the triangle. I’ll call the Russian. The Russian and I work together, thankfully not in the same departments or on the same floor. At some point in time the Russian and I started flirting. Pretty innocent at first, funny emails and the occasional poking fun at each other. That all changed when he gave me a compliment that should have made me set him straight. Instead, I let it continue.

It continued to the exchange of phone numbers. Then the exchange of text messages. It all started sooooooo innocent. Questions about work, life, dreams, goals and all that jazz. Several lunches filled with curiosity and laughter. Then it took a turn for the….inappropriate. Sex became a topic of discussion, not sex with each other, just in general. This lead of course, to questions about my relationship. I wasn’t satisfied with the lack of attention I was getting and the Russian seemed eager to discuss that with me. He cared to know about the relationship and how things had progressed to where they had gotten.

Insert the first hangout outside of work, insert alcohol and what do you get? Back rubs, ass grabs and an unexpected make out session. It had been so long since someone had kissed me like that I didn’t know what to do. I could blame it on the alcohol, but I wasn’t that drunk. I want to blame it on the way he smelled and the fact he had been grabbing my ass and pulling my hair playfully. But in all honesty, I just wanted to feel wanted again. I wanted the feeling of a man who knew what he wanted from me and showed me how he wanted it. After that moment, I knew I was fucked.

Things intensified, I was having more “girl nights” and “shopping trips” just to spend time with the Russian. We were only kissing and it was amazing. Two things about the Russian, he’s an older man and he is a fucking amazing kisser. I couldn’t get enough of it. That’s all I wanted was to kiss him, nothing else even mattered. We spent our time watching movies and getting to know each other. He was so kind and sweet on me. Always wanting to love on me and make sure I was feeling good and having fun. From playing with my hair, kissing my forehead and giving me massages.

As things always do they escalated further, one night after drinking things finally got more sexual. I finally was introduced to the….other Russian. Now, I have not had sexual relations with that many men. Not that I’m a prude but I value myself and what I’ve got. So, back to the other Russian. Oh. My. God. From the moment I just touched it with my hands I couldn’t stop.

Things progressed slowly from there. I still never let him touch my nether region. He could mess with the top and grab the ass all he wanted, but that I wasn’t going to let happen.

One of the first nights I spent at his home was just intense. He never actually touched me but he gave me so many orgasms I was shocked. Maybe it was the fact I hadn’t had that happen in a long time or just the fact it was inappropriate. Whatever the reason it happened. Still no sex at this point. I gave him a few things and that was amazing to the both of us.

This carried on for a few more weeks. This “affair” had been going on for, let’s say, two to three months at this point. My boyfriend had and has no idea about any of this.

One night things progressed further and faster than I would have liked. I had too much to drink and so had he. One thing led to another and we had sex. Twice. In one night. I was disappointed that I let it happen but it was still amazing. The next day, I barely heard from him.

I was so disappointed that I let this happen. The next day, I didn’t hear from him until later in the day. And let me say, we would talk all day, every day. Texting nonstop and sharing things with each other. He always was talking to me. Hell, we kept each other up at night with the texting. Well the topic of the sex we had came up and it was weird at first but then things went back to normal once we talked about it. A weekend rendezvous was being planned and I thought things were going along smoothly. Or so I fucking thought.

About halfway through the week, we decided to have a Wednesday movie night. And of course, we had sex and various other activities. Insert an after sex shower and movie. I thought things ended well. We cuddled afterwards, the Russian played with my hair as usual. Great. I leave to go home, feeling perfectly fine. Besides the fact I had committed to cheating and deceiving my boyfriend.

I hear nothing from the Russian, he tells me he dropped something off in my office and checks to make sure I got it. I ask about the weekend….he might be busy. Sign number one shit is up.

I just say okay and move on.

Four days later I hear from him. One thing and that is it. And now we are at a week later and still nothing.

I am a combination of pissed, disappointed and just upset. Here I am in this relationship with another guy and had actually been thinking of maybe being with this guy. This Russian who did nothing but apparently play me.

What makes it worse is the fact I called it from the beginning. I even admitted to him I thought of him as a player. My gut feeling has always been right. I haven’t had the time to really grieve and get over this because of the fact I live with my boyfriend.

So I’ve been dealing with mixed emotions. My boyfriend has been trying harder lately to win my affection back. (I will write about our relationship in my next blog.) But with the Russian I actually thought I could see something with us. I thought this “man” could actually be more to me than just an office flirt.

Now, not only to I have to deal with getting played. I have to deal with getting played by a coworker. Thankfully in the past week I have not seen him. I’ve had to drive past him a few times. Once he did a quick turn around and followed me back to the office. He didn’t attempt to speak to me, but I didn’t let him have that opportunity so I’m not sure of his reasoning. I dread the moment I actually have to see him face to face. I am a pretty strong person, but at this point I would be tempted to either slap him or just glare.

I’m just confused. And fucked. Literally. I know what I did was bad and I know it is relationship ending thing. At the same time, it is as if I will soon be dealing with two relationships ending. I can’t see myself continuing my relationship with my current boyfriend without him knowing. Everyday it weighs more and more on me.

I have very few people I’ve talked about this. Two. Neither of them understand what happened. If I could copy some of the texts on here I would. A player wouldn’t invest that much time in someone like the Russian did. A player wouldn’t talk about future things and tell me personal things. Or would they? I just don’t know.

And I am not the one to cheat. I never have before. Not even during any of my high school relationships. Hell, I was the one cheated on most of the time. I know how it feels but for some reason I let this happen.

I’m just looking for advice on what to do. Do I bring it up with him or do I just keep it all to myself and ignore him when I see him? Eventually I am going to have to see the Russian. I’m going to have to look into his eyes and keep my calmness about me.

I’m just hoping that day isn’t tomorrow.

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5 responses to “Love Triangle

  1. What an absolute asshole. But one thing I do believe is that everything happens for a reason. At the minimum, you’ve been forced to realise that your current relationship isn’t working… There’s no passion or desire anymore.

    Look – the fact that he’s an amazingly nice guy just isn’t enough. I told this to my friend the other day who was contemplating leaving her boyfriend – which she did! I explained that it doesn’t matter if he’s super amazing and kind and everything you’d ever want, because let’s face it, he’s not.

    He doesn’t satisfy you in bed like you know another man can. You’ve had a taste for what things can be like and it will happen again… If not now, sooner or later.

    Because you know you got away with it once – so you’ll bet that you can do it again. And you probably can. But you will eventually get caught honey.

    I’m not saying quit it all, submit yourself to him and tell him everything bla bla bla. That’s a stupid idea. What I’m saying is, weigh things up.

    Sure – if you can move on with the relationship and feel completely content then do so. But remember, you cheated for a reason. Ultimately, you’re not happy. And why should you settle for that?

    You have ONE LIFE. One shot at this thing. The best bit of advice I ever got was to put yourself first. Make yourself happy. Number one! Because at the end of the day, when you’re old in years and years to come, do you want to look back at life and regret making the boring, safe choices you did? Or do you wanna look back and smile, thinking: FUCK! I actually did that? Man. I must have had some balls. It was bloody worth it though and I’d do it all again!

    Good luck! xxx

  2. Thank you so much for your advice and kind words!! You’re absolutely right, I just haven’t put myself first in so long that it’s almost weird to do so. I know it has to be done and I have to figure out how to do that.

    I definitely realized that what happened did so for a reason and it has caused me to really think of that reason. I’m hopeful as things progress I can get back to putting myself first and enjoying life to fullest.

    Thanks again bewildhavefunx !!

  3. I would really love to hear more about it all! Make sure you keep updating! Feel free to email me! bewildhavefun@hotmail.co.uk

    I’ve seen your post on my entry! I shall reply but I’ve just wrote a super lengthy post and I’m literally falling asleep! We shall talk tomorrow!

    I hope you’re well my love! Take care xx

  4. Pingback: Wake Up | disillusionedyoungone

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